After LIFF

The New Dictionary of Things There Should Be Words For

JOHN LLOYD

JON CANTER

To DNA, our friend

CONTENTS

Title Page

Dedication

Foreword

LIFFS

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

X

Y

Z

Acknowledgements

Index

About the Authors

By the Same Authors

Copyright

FOREWORD by John Lloyd

It’s thirty years since Douglas Adams and I wrote The Meaning of Liff and, four years later, The Deeper Meaning of Liff.

That they’re both still in print is a testament to the simplicity and universal appeal of the idea: that all sorts of perfectly common things around us have somehow escaped having names, and that this can be easily remedied by recycling the ones on signposts.

It’s a game anyone can play, and many do. Since Douglas’s tragic death at the absurdly young age of forty-nine, his friends and admirers have gone on adding to his legacy by inventing new liffs – on his website h2g2.com, on my website qi.com, on Twitter’s @ThatsLiff, and in various competitions over the years run by his indefatigable brother James to raise money for Douglas’s favourite charity, Save the Rhino.

Early in 2013, as a celebration of the original work, Radio 4 broadcast The Meaning of Liff at 30. Listeners’ own submissions were invited and this again produced a rich new crop of liffs. Just as it seemed a waste to have words cluttering up signposts when they could be usefully attached to something namelessly familiar, so it seemed an equal waste not to make use of all this public creativity. This book is the result. Many, many people have had a hand in it, and you can find their names (under my grateful thanks) in the acknowledgements at the back.

But there is one name, above all, to whom Afterliff owes its existence, that of my co-author, Jon Canter. Of course, nothing and no one can ever replace Douglas – his brilliance, his originality, his joyous genius – but when it comes to penning liffs at least, Jon comes awfully close.

The three of us were at university together and remained lifelong friends until that terrible day in 2001 when Douglas had his heart attack. Back in the 1970s, Jon and I had both, at different times, shared flats with Douglas and, in the eighties, Jon became the third (shamefully uncredited) author of The Deeper Meaning of Liff. He proved at once to be a master of the genre, coming up with many of the best lines – including three of the six chosen for the Deeper back cover. His contribution to that book was incalculable, as it is to this.

We both hope you have as much fun reading Afterliff as we had writing it and, to Douglas, in whichever universe he may be, we say, ‘So Long, and Thanks for All the Liffs’.

JOHN LLOYD

Hammersmith, May 2013

LIFFS

A

Aachen n.

The fake name you add to the front of your mobile phone’s address book to stop annoying the aast (q.v.).

Aast n.

The first person in a mobile phone’s address book, who gets all the calls from handbags and pockets.

Ab Lench adj.phr.

Not up for anything much, really: the opposite of ‘gung ho’.

Abbots Ripton n.

Man in a dog collar at a party who tells you he ‘doesn’t really believe in all that God stuff’.

Abcott n.

The tiny remnant of a bar of soap.

Aberdovey n.

A tribute band composed mostly of pigeons.

Aberglasney n.

The particular kind of self-pity induced by alcohol.

Aberlemno n.

The little shelf on a tennis umpire’s stepladder where the soft drinks are kept.

Abernethy n.

Unit of fluffiness. In five-star hotels, the white towels and dressing gowns must be a minimum of 90 abernethy.

Acaster Malbis n.

One who stands at a pelican crossing, watches you press the wait button, and then presses it again.

Adbolton n.

Short, fast, baffling burst of sponsorship repeated either side of the commercial breaks in a TV show till it drives viewers mad.

Addison n.

The extra time you need to allow when taking a shortcut.

Adjungbilly n.

The ring of discarded leaflets on the pavement a few feet from the person handing them out.

Ae n.

Useful two-letter Scrabble word: a player who has drawn nothing but vowels.

Agharoo n.

A larger-than-life sneeze in a Bollywood comedy, used as the basis for a dance routine.

Aismunderby n.

The dent on either side of the nose of a person who wears glasses.

Alawoona n.

A sacred chant for the wellbeing of the Dow Jones Index.

Albox n.

A mail-order package that arrives but appears not to weigh anything.

Alkipi n.

Japanese thank-you-letter-writing torture.

Almurta n.

Code of silence among pets that stops your parrot from telling you what your cat just did on your bed.

Alvechurch n.

A place of worship in which the clergy outnumber the congregation.

Amazonia pl.n.

Small last-minute gifts ordered online to top up a main present that the giver suspects won’t be good enough on its own.

Amby adj.

Reluctant to be the first to slag someone off but happy to join in as things hot up.

Amcotts pl.n.

Orange-tipped cotton buds found behind things in the bathroom.

Amesbury n.

The legal process by which a judge in a divorce case decides who gets custody of the couple’s friends.

Ancaster n.

A name on a building with one of its letters missing.

Ando n.

The art of mastering Japanese toilets.

Anembo adv.

The way creative directors and commissioning editors sit: leaning back with their hands behind their head and their feet on the desk.

Anglesey n.

Hypothetical object at which a lazy eye is looking.

Annagry adj.

Infuriated by the last crossword clue.

Annecy n.

A half-sucked Tic Tac or jellybean found sticking to a pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment.

Anthorn n.

(MEDICAL) A penis so embarrassingly small that the doctor secretly takes a picture of it on his phone.

Antist n.

A vet who specialises in insects.

Antrim n.

Barber’s term for the unmentionable hair discreetly snipped from eyebrows, nostrils and earholes.

Arbroath n.

Throat-clearing designed to alert passers-by to your presence in the lavatory.

Arbuckle Junction n.

That point in the task where you realise it’s going to be a lot harder than you thought.

Ardateggle v.

To poke burning pornography into the tiniest possible fragments.

Arkansas n.

Any name not pronounced the way it’s spelt.

Aruba n.

Small bottle of scented liquid in a hotel bathroom that could be shampoo, moisturiser, disinfectant or liqueur.

Ashby Puerorum n.

One who prefaces every utterance with ‘In my day …’

Askamore n.

An Italian waiter who keeps coming back to find out if everything’s all right.

Askham Bryan n.

The junior journalist despatched to the scene of a disaster to gather answers to the question ‘How do you feel?’

Asquith n.

Person in a doctor’s waiting room who appears to have absolutely nothing wrong with them.

Aston Clinton n.

Clean-cut American student destined to become a partner in a corrupt legal firm.

Attunga n.

The ding that tells you the lift has arrived.

Attymon n.

A West Indian cricket enthusiast.

Audley End n.

The sentence you read in bed and read in bed again and read in bed again and then your eyes close.

Aughnaloopy n.

A tangle of tights and bras.

Avening ptcpl.v.

Putting on your coat to say goodbye, then spending fifteen minutes saying it.

Avonmouth n.

A woman who has overdone her lipstick.

B

Babcary n.

A front papoose ostentatiously worn by first-time fathers.

Badgers Mount n.

The sexual position you knew wouldn’t work despite your partner’s eagerness to try it.

Badlesmere n.

One who dishonestly ticks the ‘I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions’ box.

Baffie n.

Hearty squeeze of an acquaintance’s testicles, otherwise known as a ‘South African handshake’.

Baghetti n.

Modish variety of Milanese pasta shaped like little man-satchels.

Balerno n.

The spooky sensation that someone is about to explain déjà vu to you.

Ballywatticock n.

Someone who brings his own clubs to seaside Crazy Golf.

Balmaha adv.

With hands on hips and feet wide apart; the stance of city dwellers appreciating the view at weekends.

Balranald n.

One who phones up in a rage to complain about a show they didn’t watch.

Baltyfarrell n.

A table with one leg shorter than the others.

Bambill n.

The ‘Back in 5 Mins’ sign on a shop door that’s been there over an hour.

Banada n.

A Canadian banana.

Bangkok n.

A dud firework found in a flowerbed.

Bankhead n.

One who quits a highly paid job in the City to become a gardener, potter, baker or hypnotherapist.

Bannerbank n.

The void above the human shoulder that anthropologists believe evolved to leave room for TV graphics or video clips.

Barbaggio n.

The tourist place you go to for the first meal of your holiday because you don’t yet know any better.

Barbican n.

The reflection of a street lamp on a car roof on a rainy night, which looks like a taxi sign until you try to flag it down.

Barcillonnette n.

The beep of a supermarket till as it scans an item.

Barjarg n.

The uncomfortable seating in fast-food restaurants, designed to make you eat the food faster.

Barlin n.

The hand gesture, with thumb to ear and little finger to mouth, which signals you’d like someone to call you.

Barnave n.

A man who addresses groups of women as ‘guys’.

Barnawartha n.

State of grace achieved by finally freeing your cafetière of all grounds.

Barooga n.

Nervous twitch of a dCected recoiling of a metal tape measure.

Barwick-in-Elmet n.

Lusty knight undergoing voluntary chastity to work up a keen sense of rage before battle.

Basket Swamp n.

A beach café dripping with wet swimmers.

Bawtry adj.

Uneasy from standing in a tepid pool of someone else’s shower water.

Beagle Gulf n.

The time in years, months, days, hours and minutes since a lapsed smoker last had a cigarette.

Beattock n.

The part of someone’s body you stroke seductively in bed, only to discover it’s not the part you thought it was.

Beaucroissant n.

Male flatmate who spends all his time in the bathroom.

Beausemblant n.

One who expects to be understood in France if he speaks English with a French accent.

Bebeah n.

The delicious aroma of a baby’s head.

Beelsby n.

A leg or antenna of an insect suspended in a jar of clear honey.

Beeston n.

A low-pitched drone, as from an unseen motorway or history teacher.

Bejoording ptcpl.v.

Exaggerating a footballer’s sexual prowess to increase the value of a kiss-and-tell story.

Belltrees pl.n.

The numbered options you’re offered by an automated answering service, none of which you want.

Belmont n.

An alarm clock cast in a starring role in a dream.

Belmunging ptcpl.v.

Passing on gossip divulged to you on condition it went no further, on the strict understanding that it goes no further.

Beltana n.

A canapé you consume in one go without having any idea what it is.

Bempton n.

A complete stranger who inexplicably singles you out for a buffeting on the dodgems.

Bermuda n.

The last remaining, least popular chocolate in the box.

Big Neeston n.

A Scotsman everyone agrees with on account of his size.

Biggleswade n.

What leather flying jackets are lined with.

Binegar n.

Any liquid left in a jar in the fridge for so long that it’s separated into two or more components.

Bingley n.

One who announces his presence in a room by making jaunty noises.

Birtle v.

To make something worse by trying to improve it.

Biscathorpe n.

Collection of old patterned tins on top of your grandmother’s fridge.

Bishop’s Nympton n.

The curly bit on the end of a bishop’s staff, which he uses to gather cobwebs or tickle the congregation.

Blaby n.

A balloon that refuses to inflate, no matter how hard you blow into it.

Blargies pl.n.

The smatterings of food that fly onto the mirror when you floss.

Blindcrake v.

To fumble under the dashboard for the bonnet release.

Boasley Cross n.

An encounter between two enemies in the street, in which they nod to each other as they pass, count to five, and then mutter ‘Arsehole’.

Bodelwyddan adj.

Unable to walk straight after getting off a playground roundabout.

Bodnant n.

The perky little fellow at a distant relative’s funeral who seems to know who you are.

Boffles n.

High-waisted trousers worn by old men.

Bogue n.

Something not, and never likely to be, in vogue. ‘The bogue for dip-dyed culottes will continue this season. Be seen with them and die.’ Tatler

Boloquoy n.

Rambling monologue cursing yourself the morning after behaving badly.

Boufflers pl.n.

Strangers who say ‘Oo, he’s gorgeous!’ as they smile at your baby daughter.

Bowlish adj.

Impatient to get to the dessert course.

Bowshank n.

A lavatory set so close to the cistern that the seat won’t stand up on its own.

Boxworth n.

A person who can’t enter a room without turning on a TV or radio.

Boyanup n.

The perverse rush of pleasure you get the first time your son beats you fair and square at tennis.

Bracknell v.

To explain patiently to an older person how to use a computer.

Brampton Bierlow n.

The chuntering noise made by an old photocopier to let you know it’s thinking about doing something.

Bricy adj.

Worryingly inexpensive.

Briffons pl.n.

Bare-bottomed garden gnomes; men’s aprons with breasts on; chocolate penises; tinned panties.

Brightlingsea n.

The blinding rush of light when someone opens the curtains in the morning before you’re ready.

Brighton n.

The little light that tells you a piece of electrical equipment is working.

Bringolo interj.

Cry of admiration in an Italian restaurant, when a waiter carrying four plates bursts through the kitchen door.

Briscous adj.

Bewilderingly resilient, as with Jeffrey Archer or the Ebola virus.

Brixham n.

A builder who tidies up after himself at the end of the day.

Brixworth n.

The extra time you allow yourself in bed when you wake up thinking it’s a weekday and then remember it isn’t.

Broadwoodwidger n.

An eighteenth-century craftsman, maker of strange fanciful implements designed to be hung on the walls of taverns as conversation pieces. In her History of Broadwoodwidgery (2009), Hilary Mann writes: ‘It is a tribute to the enduring craft of the broadwoodwidger that people still go into pubs in Britain, look at the objects hanging on the wall and ask, “What the hell is that?”’

Brombos interj.

Traditional cry of a real Mexican as he bites into a chilli pepper.

Brompton Ralph n.

A tramp with an upper-class accent.

Broons pl.n.

The rubbery beige things in cellophane envelopes they sell on trains instead of croissants.

Brouchy adj.

Looking at the world through dung-coloured spectacles.

Brulange n.

The black dust scraped from burnt toast.

Brund n.

The mood you’re in when you don’t know what mood you’re in.

Buding ptcpl.v.

Making friends with someone by finding things in common you both dislike.

Bugle Gate n.

A sign with attitude, such as ‘Don’t Even Think of Parking Here’ or ‘Trespassers Will Be Shot’.

Bulwell v.

To successfully argue a point without believing a word of it.

Bunratty adj.

Annoyed with yourself for eating too many Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Burlats pl.n.

Noises from the waking world – footsteps, car horns, doors, belmonts (q.v.) – incorporated into a dream.

Burzy n.

A kiss goodnight from your father.

Bussnang n.

(ARCHAIC) The bell the conductor rings twice to tell the driver to move off.

Butt of Lewis n.

Spin-off television series not featuring the actor who was the reason you watched the original.

Bweeng n.

One who cries on cue in soppy movies.

C

Cagnoncles pl.n.

Unsettling aquatic nocturnal clankings.

Campo Grande adv.

In the style of Quentin Crisp.

Canaples pl.n.

What ducks are looking for under the water.

Cappananty adj.

Quizzical, belligerent, sideways: the way a chicken looks at you.

Caputh adj.

Harmlessly broken, because never used anyway – e.g. the F11 key on a PC keyboard or top D sharp on a piano.

Caramany adj.

Not seeming tanned till you get back from holiday and see yourself in a mirror.

Carlops n.

A light approaching on a dark road that appears to be a motorcycle but turns out to be a lorry with a missing headlamp.

Carlton Scroop n.

The credit card you only use to scrape ice off the windscreen.

Carnalbanagh Sheddings pl.n.

The snippets of paper and scrunched-up Sellotape left behind after a present-wrapping session.

Carnforth interj.

Insolent yell of weedy ruffians from a safe distance.

Carnoustie n.

A baby woodlouse.

Carrogs pl.n.

Archaeological remains that are highly significant but look like a bunch of stones.

Carse of Lecropt n.

Rectangular Anglo-Saxon receptacle made of bark and baked mud that scholars believe is the first box anyone thought outside of.

Cashel n.

The bowl in which small useless foreign coins are kept.

Castleruddery n.

Psychological warfare at international-level chess.

Caterham n.

An overwhelming desire to use the Pope’s hat as an oven glove.

Chadbury n.

Any jar of preserves, chutney or organic suppository ointment apparently handmade by Prince Charles.

Chambilly n.

Something in the zoo that looks like a goat but isn’t.

Chanlockfoot n.

Filmgoer who stays seated through the end credits to show they know what a Best Boy is.

Cherry Burton n.

The rosy pallor of a butcher’s face.

Cherry Hinton n.

Remark by a girl in a bar that suggests she might be up for it.

Chertsey v. To greet someone by half-rising from your seat.

Chetnole n.

The knob on a stopwatch.

Chettle v. To pat one’s pockets while hurrying past beggars.

Chevening ptcpl.v.

Rifling through your post in a desperate search for anything unconnected to charity or solar panelling.

Chichery adj.

Set on edge by the fiddliness of something.

Chinley adj.

Gifted with the ability to use the lower jaw as a third hand when folding sheets.

Chudleigh n.

An overweight person in a hurry.

Chuffily-Roche adv.

The way a banker walks after receiving his bonus.

Clathy adj.

Squeaky clean after a bath.

Clavering ptcpl.v.

Pretending to text when alone and feeling vulnerable in public.

Clayton n.

Small trowel-like implement used by cabin crew to apply foundation.

Cleethorpes pl.n.

People who wear slogans that run across more than one T-shirt, sit next to each other at public events and cheer if pointed out.

Clent adj.

Squeamish about using the C-word.

Cleobury Mortimer n.

A person who marries a royal then gets divorced but is probably still worth sucking up to.

Cliasmol n.

Short-lived drug, briefly popular in the 1990s, which claimed to cure addiction to Pringles.

Clignancourt n.

Group of chattering teenage French tourists who stand on the pavement blocking your way.

Climping ptcpl.v.

The accidental and possibly disastrous locking together of two or more genital piercings.

Clippesby n.

The errant fingernail you spy amongst the coins from your pocket when offering change in your upturned palm to the sub-postmistress.

Cloghogle v.

To stare aghast at a bit of food stuck in someone’s teeth as they talk.

Clonbunny n.

One who ‘doesn’t smoke’ but is still pinching everybody else’s.

Clontumpher n.

The pad on the forefinger used for tapping in the last jigsaw piece.

Clovelly adj.

Quite nice, but not quite nice enough.

Clovulin n.

Protein extracted from four-leafed clovers and sold in health food shops as ‘concentrated luck’.

Clun adj.

Feeling down in the dumps when you get home from a club.

Clunbury n.

The US Secret Service codename for the First Lady’s private parts.

Clyst Honiton n.

Weird guy you wouldn’t look at twice if he weren’t a software billionaire.

Cobnash n.

Anything that falls out of your sandwich and into your drink.

Cockadilly adj.

Momentarily taken aback by your own reflection.

Cockermouth n.

A particularly offensive foul inside a rugby scrum.

Cocking Causeway n.

A line of male spectators drinking on the edge of a dance floor.

Cocumont n.

Any word invented by Shakespeare.

Colston Bassett n.

The widget concealed by manufacturers inside washing machines and dryers to make a quiet clinking sound.

Compton Pauncefoot n.

One who really knows his Flemish miniaturists.

Coptiviney n.

Large body of traffic cautiously trailing behind what looks like a police car but is actually a Highways Agency van.

Corippo n.

Badass pistachio nut that will tear your nail off if you try to open it.

Corlattylannan n.

The bizarre name found on a personalised mug in a souvenir shop in the course of a fruitless search for Colin, Carol, Alan, Anthony or Ann.

Corpusty n.

The mesmerising frond of dried matter that goes in and out of a person’s nose as they breathe.

Corregidor n.

One who idly opens a fridge, stares gloomily at the contents for a few seconds and then shuts it again.

Cottered adj.

Whacked over the head without warning by a rattle-wielding baby.

Cowhythe n.

Ancient item of farming equipment now only used as a weapon in low-budget horror movies.

Cradley n.

A hat with ears on.

Creevins pl.n.

The imaginary substances that cling to your palm after shaking hands with an undertaker.

Cricklade n.

The ‘secret question’ that fails to help you remember a password.

Cricklewood n.

What ice-lolly sticks are made of.

Crigglestone n.

The invisible piece of grit on the sole of your shoe designed to scratch other people’s new wooden floors.

Crimby n.

The transparently fake saunter of one who is about to be stopped going through ‘Nothing to Declare’.

Crimcrest n.

The edge of a pie crust; the corrugation on a shin from a sock; the indentation on an arm gripped by a companion on a roller coaster.

Crindle v.

To fiddle unconsciously with one’s hair.

Croome v.

To lock eyes with someone inside a parked car in the process of checking out your appearance in their window.

Croth n.

A shop that’s had a ‘Closing Down All Stock Must Go’ sign for as long as you can remember.

Crotone n.

The small dry area on the corner of a damp towel.

Crowle n.

The fold in a double chin.

Cruft n.

Building originally intended for animals that now houses people.

Cruggion n.

The accumulation of crumbs, broken bits and shreds of plastic wrapper in the bottom of a biscuit tin.

Cruntully adj.

Deflated by watching a film on TV that’s nowhere near as good as you remember it.

Crunwear n.

Clothes you have for when no one is looking.

Cumberland n.

The part of a wet ploughed field that clings to your wellingtons and makes them look like clown shoes.

Cumberworth n.

One who complains before even being asked to do anything.

Cumledge n.

The place in the mind of a bigot where the second-hand and poisonous opinions are stored.

Curbans pl.n.

Towels wrapped round women’s heads after washing their hair.

Curry Rivel n.

Something on the menu thoughtfully provided for those who’ve come to the wrong place: an omelette in an Indian restaurant; a pizza in a Greek restaurant; a vegetable in an Argentine restaurant.

Cutsyke v. To pull every knife out of the block in search of the bread knife.

D

Daggons pl.n.

The thick-rimmed glasses worn by management gurus.

Danby Wiske n.

The piece of kitchen equipment you never use which makes the drawer impossible to shut.

Dar es Salaam n.

The discarded end of a cured sausage with the string still on.

Dargies pl.n.

People who reply at length and in detail to the question ‘How are you?’

Datchet n.

A small jacket worn by dachshunds in the rain.

Davidson’s Mains pl.n.

Terrible jokes that get big laughs when the boss makes them.

Debach v.

To disengage gracefully from a cello.

Derrynacaheragh n.

Angry note left on a car windscreen informing the driver they’ll be killed if they park there again.

Derryrush n.

The panic brought on by encountering a police officer buying lunch in your local corner shop.

Devizes pl.n.

The low-value coins dropped in a public place you’re too lazy or embarrassed to pick up.

Dibden Purlieu n.

A walk meant to last ‘about four hours’ that takes so long you end up eating human flesh.

Didcot Parkway n.

An extended period of struggle in which one fails to grasp something: the opposite of a flash or revelation. ‘Einstein stared at the problem for ten years. Then he saw it in a didcot parkway, rapidly swivelling his head from side to side as if trying to catch the name of a station from a passing train’. Steven Pinker, How The Brain Turns To Porridge Sometimes

Diggle n.

The little dance you do to make your underpants fit properly.

Dingle n.

A premonition that your phone is about to ring, just before it does.

Dinkelhausen pl.n.

The sort of dwellings depicted on Christmas cards.

Dolving ptcpl.v.

Circling a bonfire in a vain attempt to keep the smoke out of your eyes.

Doncaster n.

One who carries on the conversation long after you’ve left the room.

Dongolocking ptcpl.v.

Going in on the wrong side for a kiss and bumping noses.

Donibristle n.

The bit you missed when shaving: a mauritius (q.v.), for example.

Dorking ptcpl.v.

Doing work in an office that you know is of absolutely no benefit to anyone but which they’re willing to pay you for anyway.

Dorney adj.

Unsure if you’re awake enough to get up.

Dover n.

An ex-diver.

Drewton n.

The child in the school photograph with its eyes closed.

Drimmo n.

One who looks like an off-duty superhero if he puts glasses on.

Drongan n.

An encrustation on the wall of a cheap hotel room that looks suspiciously like dried snot.

Dropmore n.

The illusion of rapid weight gain when sitting in a bath as it empties.

Drumnadrochit n.

The muffled snort of exasperation of one whose membership has recently expired.

Dublin n.

An unnecessary repetition of an already unnecessary phrase, as in ‘at all, at all’.

Duckend Green n.

Lone vegetarian at a table of carnivores.

Dundry adj.

Described as ‘phallic’ but not resembling a penis – e.g. a tower block, a sports car or a rifle.

Dungiven adj.

Gone but not forgiven.

Dunning ptcpl.v.

Happily reading a book in the loo.

Dunoon v.

To inveigle someone into a game you know they cannot play.

Dunrossness n.

The feeling you’ve watched too many episodes of Friends in a row.

Dunstable n.

A retired police officer.

Dunwear n.

Beige clothing worn by old people because they’ve seen it on other old people.

Dutson n.

The hat worn in the Old West by the idiot riding a donkey.

E

Eakring n.

A token of undying thrift.

East Anglia n.

When visiting a second-hand car auction and looking at two old Fords, this is the one on the right.

Ebberston n.

The latter part of the holiday, when time seems to speed up.

Ebford n.

Long-handled wooden rake used to push model tanks around in a war room.

Eccup n.

The mug that nobody uses because Grandad once kept his false teeth in it.

Egremont n.

Naff business that has tried to transform its image by adding an ‘e’ to the front – as in eplasticgnomes.co.uk.

Enderby n.

A parent absorbed in the stools of its offspring.

Erquery n.

Collection of instruction manuals for electrical equipment you’ve forgotten you ever owned.

Espelette n.

A paragraph you can’t seem to take in no matter how many times you read it.

Esquerchin n.

One who enters a deserted gift shop, says hello to the hopeful owner, realises there is nothing of interest for sale and leaves immediately.

Etting ptcpl.v.

Struggling to remember in the middle of an anecdote why you started telling it.

Evercreech n.

The sensation of toenails on nylon sheets.

Ewloe n.

The satisfying trickle of warm water out of your ear and onto the pillow the night after swimming.

Eworthy adj.

Of a person: worth emailing but not worth phoning or meeting.

Exmoor n.

A moor you’ve gone right off.

Eyeworth n.

An attractive fellow passenger reflected in the window.

F

Faccombe v.

To decide against helping those less fortunate than yourself.

Farleaze v.

To sneeze so violently that the papers on a colleague’s desk are disarranged.

Farthinghoe n.

A carefree little laugh after breaking wind in Pilates.

Fentral adj.

A long way from anywhere: in estate agents’ parlance, Peterborough and King’s Lynn are both in ‘fentral London’.

Ferring ptcpl.v.

Performing a task in silence to show you don’t agree with it.

Ffridd Faldwyn n.

A follower of the immemorial faith that you cannot get drunk if you only drink spritzers.

Fifield Bavant n.

A person whose only claim to fame is they know lots of famous people.

Fimber v. To make yourself look good at crosswords by not admitting you did this one earlier today.

Fingal’s Cave n.

The inevitable result of cheap lavatory paper.

Fiskerton n.

One who would wear a tie even if confined to bed.

Flappit Spring n.

A fancy-dress costume no one can identify.

Flashader n.

Small reflective object that lies on the ground trying to look like a contact lens.

Fletching ptcpl.v.

Storing up an erotic image for masturbatory purposes.

Flothers pl.n.

The frock-coated servants who agitate Sir Elton John’s bubble bath with golden egg whisks.

Flyford Flavell n.

The jet of scalding coffee that surges from a cafetière when zealously over-plunged.

Folkestone n.

A hand-painted pebble from a seaside souvenir shop.

Fomperron n.

The red bobble on top of a French sailor’s hat.

Foscot n.

A sleeveless puffa jacket worn at country fairs by loud people from Fulham.

Fowey adj.

Filled with self-loathing and despair after six hours surfing the internet.

Framingham Pigot n.

A tap on the outside wall of a house that has never worked.

Frampton-on-Severn n.

The group of late-night diners the staff wish would bloody well finish their singing and go home.

Frasseto n.

The tiny little hole in the perspex of an aeroplane window.

Freuchies pl.n.

People who stand on the wrong side of the escalator.

Frinkle Green n.

Something frilly left on the side of the plate at Christmas lunch, because you’re not sure if it’s parsley or a bit of decoration from the ceiling.

Frisby on the Wreake interj.

Warning cry in a nudist colony.

Friskney n.

A saucy email exchange with a total stranger.

Fritton n.

In a bag of chips, the one with the eye.

Frobost n.

University official responsible for selecting the students on the front of the prospectus.

Frognal n.

A phone that stops ringing just as you get to it.

Frome v. To peer through the slats of a Venetian blind.

Froncles pl.n.

The bumps on a Lincoln biscuit.

Fruence n.

The unique aroma of a foreign country.

Fryerning ptcpl.v.

Making brown marks on your clothes with an iron.

Fugglestone St Peter n.

The little pointy tool set into the cap of a tube of paste or ointment to enable you to break the seal.

Furneux Pelham n.

A suavely charming man who never fails to apologise for coming out without his wallet.

Furzey Lodge n.

A café that looks like someone’s front room.

Fylingdales pl.n.

An adolescent male’s first attempt at sideburns.

G

Gailey Wharf v.

To begin running lightly up a flight of steps to mask the fact that you’ve just tripped over one.

Galapian n.

Famous chess opening where White irritates Black into making a mistake by continually referring to the knights as ‘horsies’.

Garmelow n.

The longed-for silence that follows a car alarm.

Garstang n. The smell of fish from an unexpected source.

Gawcott n.

A baby so ugly you can’t even tell which way up it is.

Gdansk interj.

What they say in Poland when you sneeze.

Geddington n.

A piece of A4 on which three or four words have been written and then crossed out.

Gelligroes pl.n.

The strenuous facial contortions of a man who is shaving or watching the football.

Gerrots n.

The discarded ends of chopped root vegetables.

Gerzat n.

A taxi driver’s growled opinion that demands your feeble assent.

Geurie n.

Admiring noise made by first-time parents peering at an ultrasound scan in which there’s nothing discernibly human.

Gillygooly adj.

Anxious, nostalgic and relieved all at once as you walk past your old school.

Glims Holm n.

The light left on by the occupant of a glounthaune (q.v.) to lure people to their doom.

Gloucester n.

The deflated skin bag of a popped blister.

Glounthaune n.

A lonely farmhouse at night.

Glutton Bridge n.

One of the few sexual positions attainable by the morbidly obese.

Godalming ptcpl.v.

Spinning the batteries in the remote to magically bring them back to life.

Goltho n.

The deformed but fanatically loyal servant of a mad scientist.

Gomersal n.

A botched attempt to say goodbye to someone in the street before awkwardly heading off in the same direction.

Goodrich n.

One who gives to charity for tax reasons.

Goodworth Clatford n.

A neighbour or colleague you violently dislike in spite of the fact that they’re clearly very nice.

Gorbals n.

The unheeded repetitive advice given by talkative self-service checkouts.

Gradgery n.

The insistence by elderly ladies who have fallen asleep in their armchairs that they were never asleep in the first place.

Grampound v.

To underestimate the weight differential between cooked and fresh spinach and make three people go hungry.

Grangebellew n.

The collective noun for parents at a public school rugby match.

Grantham n.

One who sniffs fruit in a supermarket.

Grassy Cletts pl.n.

The green streaks on a pair of cricketing trousers.

Grayshott n.

The litter of leaflets aimed at the over-sixties that falls out of the Sunday papers.

Greinton n.

An unexpected piece of sticking plaster found in your sock.

Gribbio n.

In Italian commedia dell’arte, the clown who becomes prime minister.

Grishipoll n.

What Sean Connery had to climb to achieve his success.

Gruting ptcpl.v.

Surreptitiously trying to remove a pubic hair from your teeth.

Guilden Sutton n.

The sort of person who goes ‘Aaahhh’ when sinking into an armchair.

Guith adj.

Magnetically evil and cunning, in the manner of Guy of Gisborne.

Gurnard n.

Any small boy whose main skill seems to be pulling faces.

Gussage All Saints n.

The curses and contortions of a woman peeing in the woods as she tries to avoid her shoes or a huish (q.v.).

Gussage St Michael n.

System used by Marks & Spencer’s store planners to ensure that the way to Men’s Socks always passes through Ladies’ Lingerie.

Gwennap n.

The disembodied voice in the lift.

H

Hackenthorpe n.

The clutch of smokers huddling outside a public building in winter.

Hackforth n.

The disapproving pretend cough a non-smoker produces in the vicinity of smokers.

Haigh n.

Informal greeting between horses.

Halamanning ptcpl.v.

Trembling violently, in the manner of a washing machine at the end of its cycle.

Hallon n.

One who sometimes says hi and other times ignores you.

Hampole n.

A fence post used to display a child’s dropped glove.

Hampstead n.

The large ornamental knob at the bottom of the banisters that stopped Edwardian children sliding off the end to their deaths.

Hanbury n.

A family board game that’s never been played because the rules are too complicated.

Hanging Grimston n.

The undercarriage of a toddler’s nappy after ten hours’ sleep plus breakfast.

Hanging Langford n.

Television term for the epoch that elapses between the words ‘And the winner is …’ and the actual announcement of the winner’s name.

Hankerton n.

One who feels it is necessary to draw others’ attention to the contents of their hanky.

Harburn n.

The intense, pained expression on a singer-songwriter’s face before they start to sing.

Harpenden n.

The awkward silence after one person finishes making a complaint to another.

Hartley Mauditt n.

A tombstone in a Victorian cemetery, spattered with very old birdshit.

Haselbury Plucknett n.

The guff on the packaging of upmarket foods in which the makers declare how ‘passionate’ they are about cheese twirls.

Hassocks interj.

A mild expletive for ladies, when ‘Botheration!’ won’t quite do.

Hastings pl.n.

Things left behind after leaving in a rush.

Hatfield n.

The sensation that one is still wearing a baseball cap long after it has been removed.

Hay-on-Wye n.

The classic New York vegetarian sandwich.

Hebden Bridge n.

The noise of a speaker fumbling for an acceptable alternative to the politically incorrect term they were on the point of uttering.

Heckmondwike v.

To frighten the life out of someone by accident.

Heddle v.

To ease off one gumboot with the heel of the other.

Heddon n.

One who continually assures you on a country walk that the car is just over the next hill.

Heglibister n.

A TV commercial so shouty it seems to be targeted at the people next door.

Hemel Hempstead n.

The unsynchronised mumble of a congregation at prayer.

Henglers pl.n.

Fishermen who only do it to get away from their wives.

Henlow n.

The crow of a cock that really isn’t in the mood.

Henty adj. Irritatingly chirpy in the face of a really serious situation.

Herning ptcpl.v.

Shifting anxiously from one leg to the other while waiting for a credit-card transaction to be processed.

Herserange v.

To scan the obituaries page for people you know.

High Ireby n.

The state of being so angry about something that you don’t want what’s making you angry to stop.

Himbleton n.

The modicum of praise due to a man for performing a domestic task.

Hinton Ampner n.

One who could have helped overhearing who says ‘I couldn’t help overhearing’.

Hinton Waldrist n.

One who persistently returns to a subject no one else is interested in.

Hobbister n.

The manky rug next to the cash machine with a dog on it.

Hoff v.

Of actors, to indicate deep emotion by looking up and to the right.

Honeybugle v.

To blow one’s nose like a trumpet.

Hong n.

The slimiest of any given collection of dim sum.

Hoo Hole n.

The uncomfortable pause that follows phoning somebody and completely forgetting who it is you’ve called.

Horning ptcpl.v.

Trying to establish, without asking directly, if a person you fancy is attached.

Horse of Copinsay n.

Giant squiggle scratched on a chalk hillside that doesn’t look remotely like a horse.

Hosta n.

Dried pasta in the bottom of the pan, removable only by chisel.

Hreppholar adj.

Americans suffering from hreppholar disorder are unable to pronounce the ‘h’ on the front of ‘herb’.

Hüffelsheim n.

The joy of discovering your ex’s new partner is fatter than you.

Hüffenhardt n.

The little stab you get when you hear your ex has a new partner, even though it was you that did the dumping.

Hugus n.

One who, by the power of his atheistic writings, achieves the status of a god.

Huish n.

The light brushing of wind, plant or insect against the bare bottom of a woman crouching for a Gussage All Saints (q.v.) in the woods.

Huish Champflower n.

A magnificently ornate American name, along the lines of Lightbrush P. Bottomcrouch III.

Humbug Scrub n.

A cursory shower taken after an act of adultery.

Humptulips pl.n.

Scented gloves worn by drug mules to search their own faeces.

Huney n.

A lifer’s boyfriend.

Hungladder adj.

In a better mood as a result of discovering there are lots of Germans around (usually only experienced by another German).

Hurlet n.

A tiny child throwing stones into the sea and missing.

Husbands Bosworth n.

Deliberately shoddy performance of a simple domestic task by a man, so that he will never be asked to do it again.

I

Illies pl.n.

People who scour the internet for new diseases they might be suffering from.

Inchmahome n.

The long-drawn-out business of trying to get a drunk onto a bus.

Ingleby Greenhow n.

An apprentice white plastic garden chair designer.

Ings pl.n.

Things that don’t start, won’t start or haven’t started yet.

Inverarish adj.

Immune to being tickled.

Inverlune v.

To glare at the morons who applaud any silence in a symphony.

Inverness n.

The loneliness of garden chairs in winter.

Inworth n.

One who puts their face too close to you when they talk.

Isbister n.

One who nods sagely while you’re talking, to indicate they already know what you’re about to say.

J

Jackadgery n.

The irritating hiss from the headphones of the person next to you.

Jamberoo n.

Festival wristband worn as a souvenir.

Jeffcott n.

The imaginary tool left behind by workmen that enables them to get back in their van and go away again almost as soon as they arrive.

Jilakin n.

The warm smile from the girl behind the counter that suggests you’re special.

Jimboomba n.

A cushion placed inside a bass drum.

Johnby n.

A person who uses your name too much when they’re talking to you, John.

K

Kadnook n.

The drawer where your mother keeps all the presents you gave her that she never liked.

Kangarilla n.

The interestingly complicated stalk left after eating a bunch of grapes.

Kangy Angy adj.

Distressed and disoriented by the supermarket having inexplicably moved things around.

Kanumbra n.

The sense that someone is standing behind you.

Keetmanshoop n.

A loop on a pair of trousers that was missed when the belt was put on.

Keith Inch n.

(MEASURE) The amount of In Our Time the average person understands.

Kenmare n.

The guy in a nightclub who seemed like a good idea until he opened his mouth.

Kennythorpe n.

Cheeky-chappy street dance used in musicals to portray Cockneys.

Kettletoft n.

The bits of hair and blood on a riot policeman’s truncheon.

Kewstoke v.

To interrupt a yawn or stretch by poking someone in the ribs.

Kiel Crofts pl.n.

Lunatic tufts of hair that denote genius in the possessor.

Kilkeary adj.

Convinced by a scary article that you have a tropical disease, even though you’ve never left Buckinghamshire.

Killiecrankie n.

A look warning someone to shut up before they’ve said anything.

Killinardrish n.

The sound of a cutlery basket falling to the floor.

Killybegs pl.n.

The cries by which a baby signifies that it no longer wishes to be tickled.

Kilwinning ptcpl.v.

Savagely piercing the film on an oven-ready carton in the manner of a slasher-movie villain.

Kingledoors pl.n.

The monogrammed flaps on cardboard boxes owned by the Royal Family.

King’s Newton n.

The greatest book you’ve ever bought but never actually read.

King’s Pyon n.

A chess move where all the pieces are swept from the board prior to running up to one’s bedroom in tears.

Kirby-le-Soken n.

Someone who hasn’t used the dryer in the lavatory properly and emerges to find themselves obliged to shake hands.

Kirk Smeaton n.

A teenager proud of having acquired his sexually transmitted disease.

Kirkbuddo n.

Expendable minor character destined to die in the first fifteen minutes of the film.

Kirkwhelpington n.

The noise and associated one-legged dance produced by standing on a Lego brick in bare feet.

Kirtling ptcpl.v.

Benign kettling, such as that required to keep a small child moving in the right direction.

Kittitoe v.

To step delicately around a small blob of gunk ejected by a cat which you have no intention of helping to mop up.

Klemzig n.

One who is sexually aroused by the thought of a rabbi.

The Knab n.

Nickname by which an irritating male colleague refers to himself: ‘What a night! The Knab is seriously tired today, guys!’

Knill n.

The white curd that oozes out of budget bacon.

Knockandhu n.

Fear brought on by the words ‘Don’t take this personally but …’

Koolyanobbing ptcpl.v.

Feeling a pregnant woman’s bump without asking first.

Krumlin n.

The centre of power of any crap organisation.

Kuala Lumpur n.

A cuddly toy hideously disfigured by the sexual attentions of a dog.

Kyle Lodge n.

Any objection to a planning application based purely on spite.

L

Lancaster n.

One who enacts spells over long distances.

Largs pl.n.

The improbable number of crumbs that fall out of a toaster when you move it.

Lechlade v.

To coat one’s beloved in cottage cheese.

Leoh n.

A little gasp from being hugged too tightly.

Letchworth n.

The door charge at a lap-dancing club.

Letheringsett n.

Elderly German couple commencing their fifteenth week on a Lanzarote nudist beach.

Levitt Hagg interj.

What Ray Winstone says when he’s not in the mood.

Lewisham n.

The brief moment of panic between realising your car keys aren’t in your pocket and remembering that’s because you’re driving.

Licola n.

The girl in the sixth form who has an entourage.

Lispopple n.

A completed item added to a To Do list, purely for the satisfaction of instantly crossing it off again.

Little Kelk n.

The infant in the photo on your desk who’s now twenty-nine.

Little Stukeley n.

A small boy running round a park pretending to be an aeroplane.

Lizard Siding ptcpl.v.

Taking a circuitous route to avoid charity muggers and Big Issue vendors.

Ljubljana interj.

What people say to the dentist on the way out.

Llandrillo n.

One who swaggers about in a toolbelt.

Longhedge n.

The sort of person who spells ’phone or ’plane with an apostrophe.

Lostock Junction n.

The point after which you will drink absolutely anything.

Lostwithiel n.

The feeling that you have no idea where you are, but nor does anyone else.

Loudwater n.

A child’s strongly held opinion, copied word for word from its parents.

Loughborough n.

The false gusto with which children eat vegetables in adverts.

Love Clough n.

Any orifice unexpectedly explored during sex.

Low Etherley n.

The melancholy feeling of immense sorrow and wisdom caused by looking at the night sky after too much wine.

Low Snaygill n.

One who combs the internet looking for spelling mistakes.

Low Whinnow n.

Opening section of ‘Thought for the Day’, intended to lull the audience into the false belief that the subject of religion isn’t about to come up.

Lower Sheering ptcpl.v.

Publicly disengaging a wedgie.

Lulworth Cove n.

The man in the cinema who goes ‘shush’.

Lunning ptcpl.v.

Hovering on the edge of a circle of people you don’t know.

Lydiard Millicent n.

In the novels of Jane Austen, any character who is mentioned but has no dialogue.

M

Macerata pl.n.

Miraculous red marks on the knuckles, caused by an encounter with a) the Virgin Mary or b) a nutmeg grater.

McGregor’s Corner n.

The part of a Scottish pub from which the locals glare at strangers.

Macroom v.

Of an electric kettle, to go on enthusiastically boiling long after it should have switched itself off.

Maesog n.

The feeling of having stepped in something wet while wearing socks.

Maesycrugiau n.

The unaccountable slight increase in weight experienced by dieters.

Malahide v.

To conceal oneself so successfully during a game of hide-and-seek that everyone gives up and goes home.

Malmö adj.

Happily tired.

Manaus adj.

Slightly flat and confused, as when finishing what you thought was a really good book, only to discover that no one on Amazon has given it more than one star.

Manjimup n.

A prisoner who tries to start a Mexican wave in solitary confinement.

Manningtree n.

Family member obsessed with genealogy who regularly emails with news of third cousins twice removed in New Zealand.

Marganure v.

To emboss the manufacturer’s name on a manhole cover.

Martin Hussingtree n.

The kid in your year who used a briefcase.

Mastrils pl.n.

Alarming or unconventional pets such as ferrets or anacondas.

Mauritius n.

The clump of pubic hair that always gets missed when one is shaving one’s scrotum.

Meathop n.

Close encounter with a rock star in a flight departure lounge, which you will remember all your life and they don’t even register.

Meckering ptcpl.v.

Quietly carrying on with your emails while pretending to listen to your mother on the phone.

Meigle v.

To endlessly bring the conversation back to oneself.

Melby n.

The thing you forgot to buy that was the reason you went shopping in the first place.

Melcombe Horsey n.

The collective noun for Sloane Rangers skiing with no trousers on and bras over their sweaters.

Memel v.

To continue vaguely agreeing with someone you stopped listening to ages ago.

Menadarva n.

A higher plane that can only be reached by wearing the right training shoes.

Menangle v.

To shift position in your seat to get a better view of an eyeworth (q.v.).

Meon n.

A book you buy for your partner and end up reading yourself.

Metricup n.

The amount of mucus in a giant’s handkerchief.

Mevagissey adj.

Stupefied by a display of Christmas lights on a suburban house that makes it look like a state-owned fairground in Hong Kong.

Micheldever n.

The tool they use on golf courses to make the holes.

Michigan n.

A problem that manifests itself only when nobody else is present.

Middlezoy n.

That part of a zoy which is at neither end.

Midsomer Norton n.

A village cricket match disturbed by a vintage motorcycle.

Mill Craig n.

Picturesque derelict shack on the seashore entirely surrounded by watercolour artists.

Millom n.

The dénouement of a movie after the audience has guessed the end.

Milverton n.

Any notebook that’s completely blank – apart from the first page which reads: ‘Thoughts and Ideas: 2007’.

Minsk n.

Something that looks like ground beef but isn’t.

Minskip n.

The smallest of the imperial units of volume, now only used for the fruit juice glasses on hotel breakfast buffets.

Minterburn n.

Agonising rise in the temperature of your shower, because someone has turned on a cold tap elsewhere in the house.

Mirkady Point n.

The precise time in the middle of the night when oligarchs and actors have to get up to shave, so their stubble looks just right in the morning.

Miskin n.

Expensively dressed thin woman who goes on about how fat she is.

Mittagong n.

The glove worn by percussionists to mute cymbals.

Mockerkin n.

Rain dance performed by people trying to put waterproof trousers on.

Molepolole n.

One who calls out catchphrases to comedians in the street.

Monzambano n.

A hotel bathroom so small you can’t get through the door without climbing over the lavatory.

Morfa n.

New texting acronym you can’t work out, though you’re pretty sure what the ‘f’ stands for.

Morpeth n.

Vague feeling of regret you get when you hear of the death of someone you had no idea was still alive.

Mountnessing ptcpl.v.

Sitting on your boyfriend’s shoulders at a festival and waving your arms from side to side.

Moy n.

A small wart absent-mindedly toyed with by its owner.

Much Wenlock n.

The point in a relationship when she continually brings up the subject of marriage.

Muchlarrick n.

The implausible joy caused by the acquisition of a new sofa in a television commercial.

Muckle Skerry n.

The mess you’ve stopped noticing because it’s become so familiar.

Muker n.

One who retches slightly when using a spoon to clean the back of their tongue.

Mungo Brush n.

A kiss between two bearded men.

Munising ptcpl.v.

Sizing up what the shopper ahead of you in the supermarket queue has bought.

Murist n.

A creator of felt-tip pen cock-and-balls art.

Murroes pl.n.

The tramlines made by dragging a fork across mashed potato.

N

Naddle v.

To juggle, entangle or bestrew recalcitrant coat hangers.

Nantwich n.

A snack where the filling drops out, leaving an empty husk.

Narridy adj.

Nervous of triggering the airport metal detector.

Nedging ptcpl.v.

Shuffling your suitcase along to close the gap in an airport queue.

Neen Savage n.

An angry glare at an inanimate object you have just bumped into.

Nelling ptcpl.v.

Incessantly trying on clothes.

Nelsherry n.

One who rummages furiously in her handbag.

Ness of Tenston n.

The winding handle on a tennis net.

Nether Button n.

That which, if touched, is guaranteed to make someone really angry.

Nether Stowey n.

Illegal drug, transported anally and extracted with humptulips (q.v.).

Netheravon n.

Any nook, cranny or cavity with enough room for either a small object or your fingertips – but not both – to get into.

Newton Mearns n.

An awareness that apples are falling nearby.

Newton Poppleford n.

Person at a Q & A who asks a question which turns out not to be a question at all, merely a long, convoluted and pompous statement of their own very important opinion.

Newtonmore n.

One who stands on the shoulders of giants in order to pee further.

Nibun n.

Half a tennis ball, painted green and pink to look like a pudding, put on the conveyor belt by the staff in a Japanese restaurant as a joke.

Niederbipp n.

A small child who hits you when you turn your back.

Noards pl.n.

The bits of wall behind radiators that never get painted.

Norristhorpe n.

The first person in a motorway traffic jam to get out of their car and walk about sighing.

North Piddle n.

Stream of outdoor urine redirected by the wind.

Nouster n.

One who is so clever you can’t understand a word they’re saying.

Nudgee n.

Beneficiary in a will who inherits the deceased’s Tesco Bag for Life.

Nunkeeling ptcpl.v.

Bending to determine the eyeline between one’s body parts and the windowsill, to see what might have been on view to the neighbours after getting changed with the curtains open.

Nunney n.

Comforting wad of folded paper in the pocket that turns out to be old receipts and napkins when offered as money.

Nurney adj.

The way a person’s face looks when they’ve just said ‘I told you so’.

Nutgrove n.

The place provided by a newspaper for readers to comment online.

Nymet Tracey n.

A beard that follows the jawline and looks like it’s been glued on.

O

Oakhanger n.

(ARCHAIC) One who spent his or her childhood climbing trees.

Obergurgl n.

A dinner-party guest who finds it amusing to spill red wine on his chinos and spend the rest of the evening claiming he’s been shot.

Ogdens pl.n.

Privacy-protecting designer dark glasses worn indoors at night, which make celebrities immediately identifiable.

Old Edlington n.

Someone who greets you with discomfiting warmth, having apparently forgotten how much you hated each other at school.

Omdurman n.

One who mumbles incoherently while dozing in a chair.

Oodnadatta n.

Pattern of small holes in a teenager’s bedroom wall, visible only when the drawing pins are removed and the posters are taken down.

Ormskirk n.

A person you’re not sure whether to tip.

Osmotherley adj.

Reeking of perfume after a bosomy hug from a middle-aged lady.

Oulton n.

A person you get on with perfectly well but wouldn’t want to socialise with.

Ouyen n.

Affirmative response to a dentist’s question mid-procedure.

Oving ptcpl.v.

Timidly tapping an egg against the rim of a bowl so as not to crack it too much.

Oyster Skerries pl.n.

Those wire contraptions that look like part of a lampshade, used in smart restaurants to serve shellfish.

Ozleworth n.

The blissful aftermath of a sneeze.

P

Painswick n.

Forgettable art in hotel rooms; the visual equivalent of muzak.

Peakirk n.

One who regularly points out that there are no lavatories on the USS Enterprise.

Peatling Parva n.

A piece of cheese carefully put back in the fridge even though it’s too small and dried up to be of any further use.

Peening Quarter n.

The final fifteen minutes spent in dreaded anticipation of a family gathering.

Pendomer n.

One who takes a pen from the pot, discovers it doesn’t work and puts it back again.

Pennyvennie n.

A yummy mummy’s yummy mummy.

Penton Mewsey n.

An innocuous-sounding question your partner asks you to which there is only one acceptable answer.

Penzance n.

(ARCHAIC) Permanent ink-stained dent on a fountain pen user’s finger.

Pepper Arden Bottoms pl.n.

Shakespearean jokes where you feel obliged to join in the laughter, even though you’ve no idea what they mean.

Philadelphia n.

The sound of several magazines falling off the arm of a sofa.

Philippines pl.n.

Ladyboys formerly known as Philip.

Pinvin n.

Something you order online when drunk and forget about till it arrives in a van to be signed for.

Pipe and Lyde n.

A couple who are respectively 6’4” and 4’11”.

Plaistow n.

A grudging agreement between two parties that suits neither.

Plean v.

To half-heartedly wipe a café table.

Plenisette n.

A wisp of cellophane that sticks to your hand no matter how hard you try to shake it off.

Plocrapool n.

The bin in a Greek hotel designed exclusively for used lavatory paper.

Pluckanes pl.n.

The tiny little I-shaped plastic tags that snap off when you pull the labels from new clothes, then live in your carpet with the toenail clippings.

Pluckley n.

The feather stalk residue that remains on a frozen chicken.

Pockley adj.

Unsure, when describing a person, if you should mention the colour of their skin.

Pocklington n.

The pointy indentation in a jacket that has been left on a coat hook for too long.

The Pole of Itlaw n.

Remote and inaccessible part of a woman’s body, now officially declared an erogenous zone. The Pole was not reached until 1974, after more than a century of unsuccessful expeditions. The 1911 Redvers-Harkin attempt ended in tragedy, when all four men died of exhaustion after several hours’ fruitless searching in the dark.

Polegate v.

To delay giving an opinion until you know what will go down well.

Polyphant n.

One who knows many ways to ingratiate himself.

Pont-y-Pant n.

Alpha male brought down by fraud or inappropriate sex.

Pontypool v.

To put your pants on inside out, then take them off again and put them on the right way round.

Pootilla n.

A collection of toddlers on a floor, all ignoring each other.

Pootings pl.n.

Little snorts of derision that aren’t meant to be heard but somehow always are.

Poplars pl.n.

Fun girls who turn their names into rhymes, as when Isabel Wilson becomes Izz Wizz.

Poringland n.

That part of an Argos store where the catalogues are located.

Portsoy n.

The mysterious ingredient in Marmite and Simon Cowell that makes people love them or hate them.

Potto adj.

Confused by the dish put in front of you, because it doesn’t look anything like the description in the menu.

Poughkeepsie n.

One who supervises, curates or commentates on another’s colonic irrigation.

Powfoot v.

To come straight to the point with no regard for tact or sensitivity; the opposite of ‘pussyfoot’.

Poynings pl.n.

Festive items placed on a gate to let revellers know you’re ready for them.

Prayle Grove n.

The fear in the eyes of a groom as the best man stands up to speak.

Praze-an-Beeble n.

The pair of witty signs or symbols on adjacent doors in a restaurant, which leaves you unsure if you’re entering the Ladies or the Gents.

Prestatyn n.

The little button on the lid of a jar that goes pop if it hasn’t been opened before.

Primrose Valley n.

A freshly washed lady garden.

Prisk v.

To size up a man by asking where his ski chalet is and what kind of wife he drives.

Prospidnick n.

A pillow that appears to have doubled in size since it was last put into a pillowcase.

Prowse v.

To act cool after scoring a brilliant goal, as if you do it all the time.

Putton n.

A pointless button, such as the two or three on each cuff of a man’s suit jacket.

Pyongyang n.

The noises made by little boys playing cops and robbers.

Q

Quadring Eaudike n.

A question such as ‘Don’t you like me?’ to which the answers ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ both sound wrong.

Quambone n.

The part of an adolescent that makes them feel they stick out.

Quarff n.

The tiny useless pocket above the real pocket in a pair of jeans.

Quarles pl.n.

The voices women put on when they want something.

Quarmby n.

Gruesome animal product considered a delicacy in just one region.

Quatremare n.

Four women crying in unison.

Quatsino n.

Theoretical subatomic particle accounting for the fact that articles about gay people proliferate while their number remains constant.

Quatt n.

An exotic new supermarket fruit, possibly related to the zumpango (q.v.).

Queets pl.n.

The maddening bits of price label that can’t be scratched off; hence, those who stick around when they’re obviously not wanted.

Quernmore n.

An innocent-looking advertisement for making money at home, which leads to you faking orgasms down the phone.

Quetico n.

The tiny speech bubble that pops up when an empty text is sent.

Quidnish adj.

Gifted with the power to recall the plot details of each and every Harry Potter book and movie.

Quilquox n.

Budget-conscious ‘invisible ink’ used by MI5: messages are pressed into the paper with biros that have run out.

Quinton n.

A man whose entire adult life was determined by his first term at Eton.

R

Rackwallace n.

The awful realisation that the person you’ve been talking to all this time is not who you thought they were.

Ramna Stacks pl.n.

The little piles of children’s books and shoes left at the bottom of the stairs for taking up later.

Ratagan n.

Ecologically sound floor covering made from recycled espadrilles.

Rathcrogue n.

A small girl who is all sweetness and light when adults are around, but a nasty little beast when they’re not looking.

Remenham n.

The residue left on the wrapper of a peeled muffin.

Rhughasinish n.

Ancient gestural language used by Mongolian elk wranglers and bookies on a racecourse.

Rhydding ptcpl.v.

Nodding and smiling when you can’t hear what someone’s saying because of the music.

Rhyl n.

A used roll of film sitting in a drawer that’s never been developed and is now never going to be.

Ribble v.

To manufacture, manoeuvre or steal corrugated iron.

Rickmansworth n.

The percentage of a nation’s GDP wasted on gym membership.

Ringaskiddy adj.

So excited by good news that you bound up the stairs two at a time.

Rishangles pl.n.

The blackened parts in the corners of an otherwise gleaming silver roasting tin.

Rissington n.

A bar suspended from a kitchen ceiling from which pans are hung. Hence Little Rissington, Upper Rissington, Great Rissington.

Rockness n.

The leathery exterior common to lizards and members of the Rolling Stones.

Rooking ptcpl.v.

Going round the room after a party, consuming all the leftover wine and crisps.

Ruddle v.

To mime quotation marks with your fingers.

Ruswarp v.

To deliberately write a word unclearly when you don’t know how to spell it.

S

St Serf’s Inch n.

The amount by which coffin lids in the Middle Ages were left ajar so that those mistakenly buried alive could shout for help.

St Veep n.

The patron saint of mobiles that are lost while switched to silent.

Salmon Gums n.

Unwanted mouth-to-mouth contact with an elderly relative when an attempted kiss on the cheek goes awry.

Salterhebble v.

To step in and out of the tyres on an obstacle course.

Sand Hutton n.

A small jellyfish brought on a spade by a child to a parent that turns out to be a discarded condom.

Sargasso n.

One who thinks it’s amusing to walk into a second-hand bookshop and ask if they have Fly Fishing by J. R. Hartley.

Scarasta n.

Constellation that will never be famous because no one can agree on what it looks like.

Scatness n.

A child’s feigned interest in the front of a birthday card before opening it up to see how much cash falls out.

Scatsta n.

The mark made by the striking of the first match against a new box.

Schwentinental adj.

The all-purpose accent used by amateur actors to play Germans, Turks, Czechs, Scandinavians, Belgians and Greeks.

Scopus n.

Charity with an important-sounding name that doesn’t actually tell you who it helps.

Scratby n.

A dried-up felt-tip pen kept in the pot by the phone.

Scremby n.

A pencil with a broken point kept in the pot by the phone.

Scrivelsby n.

A chopstick, child’s paintbrush, knitting needle, screwdriver, drinking straw, Allen key or pencil torch removed one after the other from the pot by the phone in a frantic search for a biro.

Scrooby n.

A biro that runs out halfway through taking down a vital message.

Scudellate adj.

Shaped like the bit on the windscreen the wipers never reach.

Sculms pl.n.

The clean-shaven areas of Hitler’s top lip on either side of his moustache.

Scunthorpe v.

To insert an expletive into a word for the sake of emphasis, as in ‘Fan-bloody-tastic!’

Scurdie Ness n.

Other people’s rubbish on a café table you have to clear away before you can sit down.

Seave Green n.

A person who’d quite like to save the planet but is not all that bothered; an acquaintance of the earth, rather than a friend.

Sentosa n.

The horror and alarm that strike when you realise you have just hit ‘Reply All’ by mistake.

Sepon n.

Something you buy for yourself after not getting it for Christmas.

Sezincote n.

The little label with the dry-cleaning instructions on.

Shackerstone n.

One who looks about them after walking into a plate-glass window to see if anyone noticed.

Shap n.

Folded paper or card wedged in a window to stop it rattling in the wind.

Shimpling ptcpl.v.

Vigorously pretending to be doing the thing you should have been doing as soon as you hear your partner’s key in the front door.

Shooter’s Hill n.

Legendary South London drama school, where geezers teach the sons of geezers how to play geezers.

Shunnies pl.n.

Footwear belonging to someone else, temporarily borrowed for the purpose of carrying the kitchen rubbish to the bin outside.

Silsden n.

The sediment found at the bottom of a mug after biscuit dunking.

Simister n.

A building that looks like something else, such as a gherkin or cheesegrater.

Simoda n.

The kind of car they haven’t made for forty years but which is still seen in the West Country.

Sinton n.

Circular mark caused by placing a hot mug on a table.

Sittingbourne n.

The indentation in a well used armchair.

Skallary n.

Factory producing Scandinavian TV crime series.

Skares pl.n.

Individual eyebrow hairs.

Skeeby n.

One who leaves a tip and then hangs around to see what kind of reaction it gets.

Skeete n.

The sound made by players’ shoes in an indoor sports arena.

Skeffling ptcpl.v.

The jiggling of potatoes in the roasting pan or the letter cubes in a Boggle grid.

Skelton n.

A door not attached to anything.

Skirling ptcpl.v.

Lulling someone into a false sense of security with small talk before you chuck, sack or behead them.

Slaithwaite v.

To keep one eye shut when having a pee in the middle of the night.

Slattocks pl.n.

All the numbers in a lottery that didn’t come up.

Smailholm n.

A holiday postcard that arrives back home after you do.

Smeeth v.

To smile meekly at passport control.

Smoke Hole n.

The part of a CEO or VIP that is advantageous to blow into.

Snaith n.

Envy of another person’s Twitter following.

Snaresbrook n.

An incriminating protestation of innocence before being accused of anything, as when a five-year-old appears downstairs to inform you they didn’t bite Nicola.

Solent Breezes pl.n.

Smooth assurances by architects that your building will be completed on time; by lawyers that you’ll win your case; and by doctors that there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

Soppog n.

Lacklustre anal intercourse.

Soroba n.

An African tribe so far-flung they haven’t heard of Stephen Fry.

Sorrento n.

The thing that goes round and round as a YouTube video loads.

South Harting ptcpl.v.

Strategically concealing your private parts as you change into your swimming costume on the beach.

Southerndown n.

The first inkling that all is not well with the socks in your wellington boots.

Spalding ptcpl.v.

The futile waving of the hand in front of the mouth when eating something much hotter than expected.

Spath n.

Trail of takeaway debris on the street from rubbish sacks attacked in the night by creatures.

Spaxton n.

The lead commuter who is always first off the train.

Spen n.

Pronged price marker stuck in delicatessen cheese.

Spittal of Glenmuick n.

An extreme case of salmon gums (q.v.).

Springboig n.

The mass sprint at the start of a school cross-country race, which none of the runners can sustain.

Sproatley n.

Perky centenarian who attributes his or her longevity to smoking sixty cigarettes a day.

Sproxton n.

One who feels no guilt about marching into a pub just to use the toilet.

Standish adj.

Approachable, warm, friendly; not standoffish.

Stanway n.

The path of a stairlift.

Stathe n.

The long boring bit of the Budget that’s got nothing to do with booze.

Steg n.

The stain on the crotch of a man’s trousers that he insists is food.

Sticklepath n.

A track in the woods that starts off promisingly but almost immediately ends in an impenetrable thicket.

Stirling n.

A very small teaspoon.

Stockleigh Pomeroy n.

The manhunt that takes place after a murder, to find a neighbour willing to say the line: ‘He kept himself to himself.’

Stocklinch Magdalen n.

(RARE) The astonishment experienced on seeing the Virgin Mary twice in the same day.

Stocklinch Ottersey n.

The astonishment experienced on seeing a word you’ve never come across before twice in the same day. ‘Stonganess’, for example.

Stonganess n.

The feeling partway through a DVD box set when it starts to be more like work than pleasure.

Straidbilly n.

Someone behind you in a long queue.

Straidkilly n.

Someone ahead of you in a long queue.

Stranagalwilly n.

Attack of murderous rage when the last straidkilly (q.v.) finally gets served and turns out to be the slowest blithering idiot in the universe.

Stranagappoge n.

The tangle of knotted wires anchoring plastic toys to the packaging that’s impossible to undo.

Stranocum n.

The green pimple in the dimple of an orange.

Stratford Tony n.

The windbag in the pub who claims to know ‘some pretty heavy-duty people down the East End’.

Strawberry Bank n.

Unmanned café counter where they keep the sugar, spoons and napkins.

Stroat n.

Any unidentified species of roadkill.

Strogue v.

To walk like a shoplifter.

Stromness n.

The euphoria that follows emerging from a very cold sea.

Strood n.

Human droppings in a laptop keyboard, such as dandruff, flakes of skin, skares (q.v.), utrillas (q.v.) and clippesbys (q.v.).

Strubby with Woodthorpe n.

Comedy double act where you can’t tell who’s meant to be the funny one.

Stubbington n.

One who refuses all invitations unless their dog’s conditions are met.

Studley Roger n.

A partner’s alarming ex-boyfriend who seems to possess every quality a girl could wish for in a man.

Suishnish adj.

In a mood to pull back the curtains with a flourish.

Sulham n.

The reproachful glare of the landline phone you don’t use any more.

Surrey n.

A mumbled and manifestly insincere apology forced out of a six-year-old.

Sutton n.

A futon folded fat enough to be sat on.

Swaffham Bulbeck n.

The ballooning of swimwear caused by stepping into slightly deeper water than anticipated.

Swanbister n.

A character, such as Bridget Jones or Columbo, whose lovable incompetent flapping conceals a cool intelligence beneath.

Swaythling ptcpl.v.

Standing in the shop wondering whether to buy the Fairtrade one or the one you actually want.

Sweening ptcpl.v

Pouring liquid as slowly as possible into an obviously too small container.

Swona n.

The collective glow of Apple logos from a group of laptops.

Sychtyn n.

Anti-synchronous body language, such as deliberately walking out of step with someone you don’t like.

Sydling St Nicholas n.

The last old rector in England to actually live in an Old Rectory.

Symbister n.

A pair of lovers who look like brother and sister.

T

Tahila n.

An all-purpose Spanish word used when attempting to remember the lyrics of ‘Guantanamera’.

Tansley adj.

How one feels on the first day of autumn.

Tapnage n.

The hand-waving and peering under the washbasin required to get the water flowing in an overly stylish bathroom.

Tatlows Folly n.

A recipe containing two or more ingredients you’ve never heard of.

Teddington Lock adj.

A gaze from a stranger held a delicious mite too long.

Te’ekiu n.

A traditional tea ceremony. Having made two identical cups of tea, and sensing one is marginally better than the other, the teamaker must decide which to keep.

Teesside n.

System of carrying two teacups into another room with one in the right hand to remember which was yours.

Teetz n.

The sheepish expression worn when presenting a left-hand cup of tea, while hoping that no one else uses this method of tea delivery.

Teevurcher n.

One who glares suspiciously, under the distinct impression they have just been offered a substandard cup of tea.

Templeshambo n.

The act of ruining the day of all the financiers in the room, last achieved by Jesus Christ about two thousand years ago.

Termonfeckin ptcpl.v.

Unhelpfully pre-empting what a stutterer is trying to say; hence the Google algorithm that tells you what you aren’t searching for.

Terryglass n.

The member of a band who leaves just before it gets famous.

Theddlethorpe n.

Genital discomfort of a pantomime dame after a vigorous ride on a pantomime horse.

Thil n.

The sprig of plastic tubing left behind after using a wire stripper.

Thirroul n.

The bond that divides, the gulf that unites; as with a couple sitting next to each other separately absorbed in their laptops.

Thornton Heath n.

An alluring patch of grass that turns prickly and stony as soon as a picnic rug is laid over it.

Thornton Steward n.

One who answers his telephone by clearly stating the number.

Thorpe Thewles pl.n.

The almost inaudible noises soap makes as it slips out of your hand and you try and fail to catch it again.

Thrashbush n.

(MEDICAL) The principal cause of absenteeism amongst UK sex workers between 1931 and 1967.

Throsk n.

A pubic hair that gets stuck in your throat.

Thurning ptcpl.v.

Camply running round a dog show alongside a dog.

Thurrock v.

To hunt frantically through the contents of a drawer while the taxi is waiting outside.

Thursby n.

One who remarks how quickly the week has gone.

Tidworth n.

The amount of drink in your glass when you ask for ‘a very small one’ and then are disappointed by how little you get.

Tildonk n.

The wedge-shaped plastic thing placed on a supermarket conveyor belt between one person’s shopping and another’s.

Timbo n.

An unexpired Pay and Display car-park ticket thoughtfully stuck on the Pay Here machine.

Timbold adj.

Very slightly and pointlessly brave, as in one who says ‘boo’ to a distant goose.

Tinkerbush n.

One who is addicted to bikini waxes.

Tipton n.

An imaginary doffing of the hat in silent acknowledgement of high-class work.

Tittybong n.

One who complains about women who breastfeed in public, but buys the Sun every day for Page 3.

Toames n.

The first furtive touching of toes in bed after a severe row with your partner.

Tobermory n.

The sound of a dog dreaming.

Todwick n.

A small frond of lavatory paper found sticking to the end of a penis.

Toft n.

A sign that appears to point in more than one direction.

Toller Whelme n.

The road sign in front of you that you learned for your driving test, but whose meaning you’ve long since forgotten.

Tootgarook n.

One who retweets praise about themself.

Torremolinos pl.n.

Obstacles in a chase scene that hinder the hero: mothers with prams, crowded fruit markets, an entire Mardi Gras parade mysteriously absent from the rest of the scene.

Tralee n.

The expression on the face of your cat as it enters the kitchen with a bird in its mouth.

Trambly adj.

Chronically anxious due to next door having a superior trampoline.

Trantlebeg n.

One who doggedly sticks to the speed they intend to drive at, no matter how long the line of cars behind them.

Traquair v.

To march purposefully off in entirely the wrong direction.

Treborth adj.

Pregnant with an eco-warrior’s child.

Treffort n.

A tremendous effort to make something shorter.

Treflach n.

The gold embossing on airport novels.

Tresco v.

To dance with the upper body while seated.

Tritteling-Redlach n.

The noise made in the throat of a lawyer to indicate a) the difficulty and b) the expense of what you require.

Troon adj.

Not quite bored enough to switch off the television.

Tubbrid adj.

(Of Method actors) In the manner of a potato or Jerusalem artichoke.

Tuckton n.

A pair of socks that has been folded into a ball.

Turcifal n.

The fat lady who comes on for the opera finale and sings ‘The End’.

Turnaspidogy n.

The black art of making a TV commercial appear more caring, authentic and honest by adding a regional accent.

Turtmann n.

Annoying passenger on a train who doesn’t realise how loudly he’s slurping his coffee because he has earphones on.

Tutbury n.

An ancient git who glares with barely contained rage at a perfectly well-behaved child in a cinema or on a bus.

Tweed Heads pl.n.

People who think about fishing all day.

Tweefontein n.

An idea that can only be expressed in 140 characters by abbreviating it in some inelegant way.

Twinhoe n.

Person who likes to hang out with twins.

Twitchen n.

Someone who can’t wait to leave and get back on Twitter.

Ty Croes n.

Celebrity whose fame is destined to stay local. (Literally, ‘the Welsh Tom Cruise’.)

Tyringe n.

The pin on a security badge found in your pocket that stabs your finger as a punishment for not returning it to Reception.

Tyttenhanger n.

The matronly lady at the back of an underwear shop who knows what bra size her customers are just by looking at them.

U

Ubby n.

A rotting cricket ball found in the garden under a bush.

Uckerby n.

A workmate who will only drink tea out of his own special mug.

Uffcott n.

The least popular exit from a roundabout.

Uffington n.

Outrageous opinion in a column intended purely to provoke.

Ulbster n.

A spot that’s ripe to be squeezed.

Ulceby Skitter n.

The improbable plot twist in a thriller that leaves you feeling cheated.

Ullatti pl.n.

The tiny wooden spades that come with individual tubs of ice cream.

Ullinish adj.

Still struggling to finish Ulysses.

Ummeracly adv.

In the manner of one who remains uncertain how to spell a word that’s just been spelled out to them.

Underriver Ho n.

Prostitute whose drowned body kick-starts the murder mystery.

Unsworth n.

Someone who can’t wait to hear your ideas so they can pooh-pooh them.

Upper Froyle n.

Raised eyebrow that says ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing exactly?’

Upper Godney n.

The more persistent of two Jehovah’s Witnesses at your door.

Upper Swainswick n.

The level of management that doesn’t do any work because they spend all day in meetings.

Upton Snodsbury n.

An owner who looks like their pet.

Uralla n.

A towel used as a bathmat.

Uruguay interj.

Angry protest by small boy made to get off the Xbox before he’s finished his level.

Ustibar n.

A snack that claims to be healthy, made of honey, twigs and gravel.

Utrillas pl.n.

Luxuriant nostril hairs.

V

Vange adj.

The female equivalent of ‘phallic’.

Velator n.

A ten-year-old boy who can’t wait to grow up to be a banker.

Velving ptcpl.v.

Amusing oneself during a massage by trying to guess which part of their body the person giving the massage is using.

Venables pl.n.

The fingerprints in a sandwich caused by pressing down on it while cutting it in half.

Ventnor n.

One who contacts you with the sole purpose of clearing the air and getting things out in the open.

Ventry n.

The hole in a belt slightly enlarged by regular use.

Vereeniging ptcpl.v.

Making a noise like screeching tyres as you drive round a corner.

Vibble v.

To dither around inside a shop after closing time, wondering how long you have left.

Viker n.

(ARCHAIC) A motorcycling vicar.

Villagrains pl.n.

The crumbs that stop a DVD machine from working, caused by small children carefully inserting toast into the slot.

Virming ptcpl.v.

In a car park, entering your vehicle sideways with your stomach held in, because some bastard has parked too close to you.

Vobster n.

The rubbery glue left on glass jars after the labels have been pulled off.

Void-Vacon n.

The important signature on a new driving licence or credit card that you realise, halfway through writing, is not going to turn out right.

Volimes pl.n.

People who turn the television up when eating.

Volmunster n.

Norse giant slain by Turcifal (q.v.), Goddess of Plenty, to prevent him revealing to the birds of the air that scarecrows aren’t actually people.

Voorst v.

To make V-signs at people on television.

Vron Gate n.

Opening scene of a sci-fi film, establishing that the world is not as we know it.

Vuku n.

The Balinese art of making rooms appear bigger and more numerous, as practised by all the great masters of estate agency.

W

Walberswick n.

The piece of string attached to a tampon.

Walkerburn n.

Speedwalker’s equivalent of jogger’s nipple.

Wallness n.

The feeling that you might have been a spider in a previous life.

Waltham Cross n.

A brief unsatisfactory conversation between two people on adjacent escalators, one going down and the other going up.

Wapping ptcpl.v.

Walking purposefully around the workplace holding an important-looking piece of paper, to disguise the fact you have absolutely nothing to do.

Warlus n.

A word you’re always uncertain how to spell, no matter how many times you have to write it.

Weesp n.

One who phones in to a radio DJ and then is too shy to say anything.

Welwick n.

The sound of a tent zip that induces nostalgia for camping.

Wembury n.

Momentary curiosity as to what a warning light on your dashboard is meant to convey.

Wendling ptcpl.v.

Ostentatiously sniffing and swirling wine in a glass.

Wendover n.

The point on a family walk when the youngest bursts into tears and won’t go any further.

Westby-with-Plumptons n.

The style of speaking pioneered by Brian Sewell.

Wharfe n.

Loud conversation overheard between successful businessmen who want you to know you are overhearing successful businessmen.

Whimble v.

To feebly respond to a wave from an unknown driver of a passing car.

Whitehaven n.

An architect’s immaculate living space, which you’re frightened to enter in case your breath leaves a mark.

Wickham Market n.

A mental shopping list drafted during sexual intercourse.

Wickmere n.

The wan smile of one given a scented candle by a visiting aunt.

Wilberfoss n.

Mental pressure exerted in an attempt to make traffic lights go green.

Winfarthing n.

The shifty-looking bloke at the fair who glues down the coconuts.

Winnersh Triangle n.

An unfashionable pubic hairstyle.

Winnington n.

The sound of cheers carried on the breeze from a distant sports field.

Witton Gilbert n.

An author whose only published book is An Author’s Guide to Publishing.

Wiveliscombe n.

One who enters a revolving door so absorbed in texting they end up back out on the street.

Woll v.

To tap the walls and make doubtful murmuring noises as an estate agent shows you round a property.

Wonersh n.

One who insists they don’t watch television, only box sets.

Wookey Hole n.

The gap in a slightly too small piece of wrapping paper, through which part of the gift can be seen.

Woolloomooloo n.

The small, pinkish ball of lint found in the tumble dryer after washing one’s underthings.

Woomera n.

A sudden and inexplicable storming out of a room by a teenager.

Worb n.

A familiar word, such as ‘weird’, that just doesn’t look right the more you stare at it; in fact it looks weird.

Wotton-under-Edge n.

The Marmite below the shoulder of the jar that can’t be reached by a knife and has to be scooped out with a finger.

Woumen pl.n.

Mythical race of women who don’t enjoy leafing through magazines.

Wroxeter n.

A text sent to the wrong person.

Wychbold n.

The outline of your watch etched into your wrist.

Wychling ptcpl.v.

Adopting the voice of an old crone for the purposes of panto, children’s bedtime story, imitating partner’s mother, etc.

Wyre Piddle n.

A small child with its shoes on the wrong feet.

X

Xining ptcpl.v.

Including something beginning with X in an A–Z list, even if it isn’t very interesting.

Y

Yafford n.

A dog that walks its owner.

Yàmbol adj.

A phone in yàmbol mode repeatedly offers a symbol instead of the letter or number you need at a crucial mom±§§*

Yanting ptcpl.v.

Exultantly punching the air on waking up in the morning, gloriously and magnificently conscious that, once again, you are Bono.

Yarborough n.

Repetitive yawn injury caused by overexposure to pensions advisers.

Yardley Gobion n.

The sticky trail of detritus running between back door and dustbin.

Yarpole n.

The distance from their nose that a person too vain to wear reading glasses holds a menu or newspaper.

Yasnomorsky n.

One who gives sensible answers all the way through the census form and then spoils it at the end by putting his religion down as ‘Jedi’.

Yaxham n.

A bib covered in milky vomit.

Yealand Conyers pl.n.

People haltingly trying to communicate with each other in a foreign language before realising they’re all English.

Yeo v.

To swerve without warning from one lane to another in a hired van.

Yepes interj.

The last statement of a squashed hedgehog.

Youlgreave n.

A word disconcertingly misread for another, as in ‘The Prime Minister was breastfeeding at Chequers’ instead of ‘breakfasting’.

Yoxford n.

The special beam in a country cottage you always hit your head on.

Ypsilanti n.

Group of recently discharged mental patients at a bus stop.

Yspytty Cynfyn n.

A conversation between two people brushing their teeth.

Z

Zaltbommel n.

Expensive wooden toy sold in Geneva airport designed to be attractive to parents but which the children are going to hate.

Zanzibar v.

To temporarily forget alphabetical order when looking something up in an index.

Zennor n.

A decision requiring immense thought and complex calculations; the opposite of a ‘no brainer’.

Zezikon n.

The sound and smell of freshly sawn timber.

Zigler n.

One who sidles up to your table with roses for sale.

Zinasco n.

Road accident caused by watching a row of zeros coming up on the milometer.

Zolling ptcpl.v.

Of shop assistants, averting the eyes in a theatrical manner as the customer enters their PIN.

Zouch n.

A panicky nocturnal thought that makes you suddenly sit up in bed.

Zububa n.

The enormous amount of unnecessary stuff men bring back from the supermarket.

Zugdidi n.

The last dirty cup that materialises just after you start the dishwasher.

Zumpango n.

No idea. Could be a vegetable?

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The authors extend their grateful thanks to the many people whose brilliant definitions helped to make Afterliff such fun to compile. From Australia, Finland, Germany, India, Ireland, the Netherlands, New Zealand, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Turkey and the USA (as well as the UK) they are the inspiration for one-fifth of the book.

AUTHOR CREDITS

With one liff each: Tanya Almor; Robin Armstrong; Craig E. E. Barber; Simon Beasor; Simon Bennett; Robin Bonass; Dave Boulting; P. J. Bristow; Holly Brockwell; Lee Brown; Bob Bury; Granny Buttons; Michael John Byrne; Oz Cable; Jo Capon; Neil Carruthers; James Cary; Mark Case; Gordon Chapman-Fox; Ian Cocks; The Reverend Richard Coles; Robyn Colquhoun; Catherine ‘Beehive’ Crick; Alan Crow; Mark Cummings, BBC Radio Gloucestershire; A. J. Dehany; Robin Denham; Meha Desai; Roger Downing; David Dowson; Ron Edmonds; Ann Edwards; Graham Edwards; Rita Elliott; Dominic Ely; Dr Liam Farrell; Lisa Featherstone; Mick Freed; Kevin J. Frost; Janet Georgiou; Jamie Gladden; Helen Goddard; Lee Gosling; Christopher Gray; David Haddock; Hannah Hart; @neiljhenry; Simon Holland-Roberts; Chris Hook; Cathy Hurren; Matthew Imrie; Robert Jack; @nickkemptown; Andrew Icon Kerr; Nick Land; Chris Limb; Simon Linnell; Paul R. Livesey; Booty Lloyd; Harry Lloyd; Mark Loftus; Andrew Lowes; Felicity Luxmoore; Susie Lydon; Hazel Lyth; Andrew MacCormack; Stephen Marsland; Cian Masterson; Chris McCrohan; Jo McGowan; Stephen McIlvenna; Joe McLachlan; Elf Mc-Neil; Stewart McSporran; David Metzger; Gordon Miller; Kate Molins; Ben Moore; Sam Moorwood; Jim Mortleman; Clive Murray; Keith W. Myerscough; Gawain Nash; Kerry Chriss Nicholls; Kirsty O’ Callaghan; Andy O’Neil; Dave Parkinson; Gary J. Payne; Jeremy ‘JPoems’ Peacock; Oliver Percivall; Melanie Powell; Catherine Prescott; Falko Rademacher; John Ranson; Rick Rayson; Pete Rieden; Dr Mike Robinson; Tuula Ruskeeniemi; Richard Sandling; Sarah Shotts; Erin Slack; Steve Smith; Daran Stebbing; Jacqueline Steel; Wesley Stinson; David Stokes; Chris Stone; Neil James Tarrant; Janette Keene Taylor; Sue Teddern; Sarah Thomasin; Ian Tilly; Hanneke du Toit; Ian Tollett; Shadric Toop; Karen Siân Wall; Terry Washburn; Cleve West; Thom White; Simon Williams (Bard of Exeter 2013); Keith A. Wilson (@keith_wilson); Maggie Woodward. With two liffs each: Marion Beet; Steven Brooker; Alan Byrne; Philip Calvert; Jon Culshaw; Anthony Denny; Richard ‘Reg’ Gray; Jules Heynes; Peter Hildebrand; Mikey Jackson; Andra Jenkin; Dylan Kesler; Hannah O’Byrne; Seylan Öztürk; Lev Parikian; Emma Summers; Kerry Tucker; Richard Vidal; Lindsay Warner. With three liffs each: Garrick Alder; Alexander Burrows; Ian Cattell; Jenny Doughty; Doug Forrest; Maria de Haas (‘yorz); Dave Higgins; Aidan Maccormick; David Martyn; Nick (tetsabb) McD; Karissa McLaverty; Celebaelin (Alun Roberts); Craig Warhurst. With four liffs each: Dylan Beattie; Jon Brierley; Dave Dexter; Ashley L. V. Smith; Katherine Vick; Andrew Wyld. With five liffs each: James Harkin and Guy Rundle. And with six liffs each: Sanjeev Bhaskar and Astrid Malachewitz (AlmondFacialBar).

Having worked solidly on this book together for over six months, the authors know just how difficult it is to come up with one liff, let alone more than six of them. An admiring and respectful tipton (q.v.) then to the true lifferati below:

Jules Bailey (nine liffs); Helen Fielding, Piers Fletcher and Andrew Sunnucks (ten liffs each); @babydrums (thirteen liffs); Chris Blackwell (fourteen liffs); Stewart Harrison and Phil Lawrence (seventeen liffs each); Stephen Yately (eighteen liffs); and last, but over-emphatically very far from least indeed, Felicity ‘Swot’ Lewis and Joseph Moorwood, each with an astounding twenty-nine liffs.

We would particularly like to thank Joe Moorwood for his kind permission to use excerpts from his charming but as yet unpublished work The Book of Yorkshire Liffs. We will be delighted to pass on his details to any interested parties.

DISCLAIMER

Strenuous efforts have been made to contact all the authors of the definitions in this book. If we have failed to reach you, please contact us as soon as possible at www.afterliff.com. Pleasant surprises await.

ILLUSTRATIONS

Thanks to all those budding Cartier-Bressons who kindly responded to our appeal for signposts from round the world that appear within.

Their work has been selected and collated by Chris Gray (QI’s IT and Photography Elf) who not only snapped twelve of the signposts himself, but is also, as it happens, the author of the very first entry in Afterliff.

PHOTO CREDITS

With one picture each: James Brewer; Phil Brown; Sara Cannon; Chris Clipson; Mick Freed; Susan Green; Pete Houston; Duncan Jennings; Peter Lamb; David Lines; Paul Livesey; Andy Martin; Heather and Ronan McNamee; Alasdair Miller; Alan Murray; Mary Odurny; Lucy Parry; Meghan Robertson; Peter Rogers; Paul Slootman; Matt Sutton; Simon Wilcock; Cameron Young. With two pictures each: James Harkin; Simon Harriyott; Emma Jeddere-Fisher; Linda Jenkins; Rosemary Lynch; Christian Nicholas; Anna-Maria Oléhn; Stuart Pearcey. With three pictures each: Heather Briggs; Belinda Taylor. And with four pictures each: Dave Ackrill and Phil Lawrence.

Space prevented more photos being included, but we hope to feature them all on www. afterliff.com in due course.

SPECIAL THANKS

These acknowledgements would be hopelessly inadequate without a fulsome mention of Beth O’Dea, the wonderfully gifted producer of BBC Radio 4’s The Meaning Of Liff At 30; Nigel Bayley, the calmly indefatigable curator of Twitter’s @ThatsLiff; and our friends Robbie Stamp and Steve Dunkley of Douglas Adams’ amazing website h2g2.com. Without their unstinting generosity and inventiveness, this would have been an unrecognisably different and vastly less liffish book.

WITHOUT WHOM

Finally, thanks of a particularly gushing and lip-trembly variety are due to our multicapable editorial assistant and amanuensis, Andrew Hunter Murray. Words, even liff words, can hardly describe his amazing work-rate, buzzard-eyed perception, patience, charm and grace under fire. It is unimaginable to consider how impossible it would have been to assemble Afterliff without him. Not only that, he is talented too: a full thirty-seven of the definitions in this book are his own, unaided work. If he weren’t so nice, he’d be seriously annoying.

A NOTE ON DUPLICATIONS

Keen-eyed liff buffs may notice that thirteen place names from The Deeper Meaning of Liff (republished in the autumn of 2013 by Macmillan as an omnibus hardback edition of The Meaning of Liff) also appear in Afterliff: Clathy, Clun, Eakring, Godalming, Hastings, Lostwithiel, Nantwich, Peening Quarter, Polyphant, Shimpling, Sittingbourne, Swaffham Bulbeck and Ventnor. This is wholly intentional: in Liffish, as in English, words can (and do) have multiple meanings.

APPEAL FOR ENTRIES/WEBSITE ETC

We’ve so enjoyed the process of collaborating with anonymous (and immensely creative) members of the public on this book that we wonder if a fourth incarnation of Liff might be possible one day.

You can start this process by having a look at www.afterliff.com. We’re looking for new ideas for definitions and (especially) hope to gather a signpost photograph for every liff in both of the books.

INDEX OF MEANINGS

A

A4: Geddington

ABRIDGEMENTS

elegant: Treffort

inelegant: Tweefontein

ACCENTS

amateur-dramatic: Schwentinental

Anglo-French: Beausemblant

upper-class: Brompton Ralph

ACCIDENTS

email: Sentosa

frightening: Heckmondwike

genital: Climping

ACRONYMS: Morfa

ACTORS

emoting deeply: Hoff

impersonating a potato: Tubbrid

ADDRESS BOOKS: Aachen, Aast

ADULTERY: Humbug Scrub

ADVERTISEMENTS

brief: Adbolton

caring: Turnaspidogy

deceptive: Quernmore

shouty: Heglibister

sofa: Muchlarrick

AGREEMENTS

grudging: Plaistow

vague: Memel

AIR, clearing the:  Ventnor

ALARM CLOCKS:  Belmont

ALCOHOL:  Aberglasney

ALPHA MALES: Pont-y-Pant

AMERICANS

bizarre pronunciation by: Hreppholar

bright future of:  Aston Clinton

ANGER

enjoyable:  High Ireby

childish: Uruguay

ANIMALS

unidentifiable remains of: Stroat

upgraded housing of: Cruft

ANSWERS

crisp, sensible: Thornton Steward

robotic, useless: Belltrees

APOSTROPHES: Longhedge

APPLES: Newton Mearns

APRONS, amusing: Briffons

ARCHAEOLOGY, dull: Carrogs

ARCHER, JEFFREY: Briscous

ARCHITECTS: Whitehaven

ARGOS: Poringland

ARGUMENTS

insincere: Bulwell

making up after: Toames

ARMCHAIRS

dents in: Sittingbourne

noises made when sinking into: Guilden Sutton

old ladies asleep in: Gradgery

ART, GENITAL: Murist

ARTICHOKES, Method: Tubbrid

ASSURANCES, smooth: Solent Breezes

ATHEISM: Hugus

AUSTEN, JANE: Lydiard Millicent

AUTHORS, rubbish: Witton Gilbert

B

BABIES

aromatic: Bebeah

hideous: Gawcott

of indeterminate gender: Boufflers

rattle-wielding: Cottered

ticklish: Killybegs

BACON, ooze from: Knill

BADGES, vengeful: Tyringe

BAGS for life: Nudgee

BALLOONS: Blaby

BALLS

cock and: Murist

cricket: Ubby

tennis: Nibun

BANANAS, Canadian: Banada

BANDS

disbanded: Terryglass

tribute: Aberdovey

wrist: Jamberoo

BANISTERS: Hampstead

BANKERS

future: Velator

past: Templeshambo

present: Chuffily-Roche

BASEBALL CAPS: Hatfield

BATHS

squeaky clean after: Clathy

weight gain during: Dropmore

BATTERIES: Godalming

BEARDS

kissing with: Mungo Brush

probably glued on: Nymet Tracey

BED, extra time in: Brixworth

BEGGARS: Chettle

BIBS: Yaxham

BIGOTS: Cumledge

BILLIONAIRES: Clyst Honiton

BIROS

use of in espionage: Quilquox

things which aren’t: Scrivelsby

utterly despicable: Scrooby

BISCUITS

dunked: Silsden

Lincoln: Froncles

BISHOPS: Bishop’s Nympton

BLINDS: Frome

BLISTERS: Gloucester

BLOWING UP

balloons: Blaby

bottoms: Smoke Hole

BOARD GAMES, complicated: Hanbury

BOBBLES, nautical: Fomperron

BODIES, unexpected parts of: Beattock

BOG, see LAVATORY

BOGGLE: Skeffling

BOLLYWOOD: Agharoo

BONFIRES: Dolving

BONNETS: Blindcrake

BONO: Yanting

BOOKS

badly reviewed on Amazon: Manaus

bought for your partner: Meon

bought but not read: King’s Newton

with flashy embossing: Treflach

BOOKSHOPS, hilarious pranks in second-hand: Sargasso

BORES

nostalgic: Ashby Puerorum

repetitive: Hinton Waldrist

sinister: Stratford Tony

BOTTOMS

bare naked ladies’: Huish

mooning gnomes’: Briffons

prodding: Soppog

BOXES

cardboard: Kingledoors

chocolate: Bermuda

match: Scatsta

thinking outside of: Carse of Lecropt

BOYS

playing cops and robbers: Pyongyang

pretending to be aeroplanes: Little Stukeley

pulling faces: Gurnard

BRAS

instantly sized-up: Tyttenhanger

tangled: Aughnaloopy

worn over sweaters: Melcombe Horsey

BRIEFCASES: Martin Hussingtree

BUBBLES

bath: Flothers

speech: Quetico

BUDGET, the: Stathe

BUILDERS, tidy: Brixham

BUILDINGS, that look like something else: Simister

BUSES

bells on: Bussnang

drunks on: Inchmahome

BUTCHERS: Cherry Burton

BUTTONS

metaphorical: Nether Button

pointless: Putton

poppable: Prestatyn

C

CABIN CREW: Clayton

CAFES

cosy sofas in: Furzey Lodge

crud left on tables of: Scurdie Ness

unattended counters in: Strawberry Bank

wet cushions in: Basket Swamp

wet tables in: Plean

CAFETIERES

time-consuming: Barnawartha

treacherous: Flyford Flavell

CAMERA FILM, undeveloped: Rhyl

CAMPING, unforgettable: Welwick

CANAPES, unidentifiable: Beltana

CANDLES, unwanted: Wickmere

CAR ALARMS, unmourned: Garmelow

CAR KEYS: Lewisham

CARDS

birthday: Scatness

Christmas: Dinkelhausen

credit, see CREDIT

post: Smailholm

CARNIVORES: Duckend Green

CARS

old: East Anglia

very old: Simoda

CATCHPHRASES: Molepolole

CATS

facial expressions of: Tralee

gloop left on the floor by: Kittitoe

CELEBRITIES

closely-encountered: Meathop

easily-identified: Ogdens

locally-restricted: Ty Croes

CELLOPHANE: Plenisette

CEMETERIES: Hartley Mauditt

CENSUSES: Yasnomorsky

CHAIRS

garden, designer: Ingleby Greenhow

garden, winter: Inverness

go-faster: Barjarg

CHANTS, sacred: Alawoona

CHARITIES

tax-efficient: Goodrich

vaguely-named: Scopus

CHASTITY: Barwick-in-Elmet

CHEAP, disturbingly: Bricy

CHECKOUTS, garrulous: Gorbals

CHEERS: Winnington

CHEESE

cottage: Lechlade

prongs in: Spen

smidgeons of: Peatling Parva

twirly: Haselbury Plucknett

CHEESEGRATERS, injuries caused by: Macerata

CHESS

end-games: King’s Pyon

horse-play: Galapian

mind-games: Castleruddery

CHICKENS

belligerent: Cappananty

frozen: Pluckley

CHILDREN

beastly: Rathcrogue

former: Little Kelk

inept: Hurlet

opinionated: Loudwater

sporty: Boyanup

treacherous: Niederbipp

CHILLIS: Brombos

CHINS

double: Crowle

prehensile: Chinley

CHIPS: Fritton

CHIRPINESS, irritating: Henty

CHOCOLATES, shunned: Bermuda

CHRISTMAS

cards: Dinkelhausen

lights: Mevagissey

presents: Sepon

CIGARETTE, time elapsed since your last: Beagle Gulf

CINEMA, shushers in the: Lulworth Cove

CLAPPING, in the wrong sort of silence: Inverlune

CLOTHING

beige: Dunwear

experimental: Nelling

sloppy: Crunwear

tags on: Pluckanes

CLOVERS: Clovulin

CLOWNS, Italian: Gribbio

CLUBS

awful people in: Kenmare

ghastly gloom after: Clun

COATHANGERS, sentient: Naddle

COCKNEYS: Kennythorpe

COCONUTS, the bloke who glues down the: Winfarthing

CODENAMES, genital: Clunbury

COFFEE, scalding: Flyford Flavell

COFFINS: St Serf’s Inch

COINS

low value: Devizes

no value: Cashel

COLLEAGUES, fatuous: The Knab

COLONIC IRRIGATION: Poughkeepsie

COMMUTERS: Spaxton

COMPLAINTS

awkward silences after: Harpenden

hypocritical: Tittybong

ill-informed: Balranald

pre-emptive: Cumberworth

COMPUTING: Bracknell

CONDOMS: Sand Hutton

CONGREGATIONS

mumbling: Hemel Hempstead

scanty: Alvechurch

CONNERY, SIR SEAN: Grishipoll

CONSTELLATIONS: Scarasta

CONTACT LENSES, things which aren’t: Flashader

CONVERSATIONS

ostentatious: Wharfe

premarital: Much Wenlock

self-obsessed: Meigle

spittle-flecked: Yspytty Cynfyn

standing too close for: Inworth

wise nods during: Isbister

COTTAGE

beams: Yoxford

cheese: Lechlade

COTTON BUDS, orange: Amcotts

COUPLES

brother and sister: Symbister

near and far: Thirroul

tall and short: Pipe and Lyde

COURAGE, pathetic excuse for: Timbold

COWELL, SIMON: Portsoy

CREDIT CARDS

alternative use for: Carlton Scroop

anxiety during normal use: Herning

avoiding looking at: Zolling

crap signatures on: Void-Vacon

CRICKET

balls: Ubby

fans: Attymon

motorcycles: Midsomer Norton

CRISP, QUENTIN: Campo Grande

CRITICISM

enjoyable, vicious, behind back: Amby

unenjoyable, self-, after party: Boloquoy

CROISSANTS, not: Broons

CROSSINGS

off: Lispopple

Pelican: Acaster Malbis

CROSSWORDS

cheating at: Fimber

infuriated by: Annagry

CRUMBS

beneath toasters: Largs

deep inside DVD machines: Villagrains

C***: Clent

CURTAINS

exuberant swishing of: Suishnish

premature opening of: Brightlingsea

CUSTOMS: Crimby

D

DACHSHUNDS: Datchet

DANCING

not even slightly: Cocking Causeway

sedentary: Tresco

to adjust pants: Diggle

to put trousers on: Mockerkin

DASHBOARDS: Blindcrake

DECISIONS, incredibly difficult and important: Zennor

DÉJÀ VU: Balerno

DENTISTS

sparkling dialogue with: Ouyen

parting remarks to: Ljubljana

DENTS

in armchairs: Sittingbourne

in fingers: Penzance

in jackets: Pocklington

in noses: Aismunderby

DESSERT: Bowlish

DIETS, weight gain during: Maesycrugiau

DIM SUM: Hong

DINGS: Attunga

DIRECTION, wrong: Traquair

DISEASES

amateur, venereal: Kirk Smeaton

professional, venereal: Thrashbush

DISENGAGEMENT

from a cello: Debach

from a wedgie: Lower Sheering

DISHWASHERS: Zugdidi

DISLIKE, irrational: Goodworth Clatford

DITHERING: Vibble

DIVERS, EX-: Dover

DIVORCE: Amesbury

DODGEMS: Bempton

DOGS

pernickety owners of: Stubbington

prancing owners of: Thurning

rogering: Kuala Lumpur

sleeping: Tobermory

straining: Yafford

twitching: Barooga

DOORS

revolving: Wiveliscombe

unattached: Skelton

DOUBLE ACTS: Strubby with Woodthorpe

DOUGHNUTS: Bunratty

DREAMS

doggy: Tobermory

human: Belmont, Burlats

DRINKS

disappointingly small: Tidworth

more than enough: Lostock Junction

with bits of sandwich in: Cobnash

DRIVING

doggedly: Trantlebeg

erratically: Yeo

DRONING, historical: Beeston

DRUGS, anal: Nether Stowey

DRUMS, bass: Jimboomba

DRUNKS: Inchmahome

DUCKS: Canaples

DVDs

not working: Villagrains

working: Stonganess

E

EARS, dribbling: Ewloe

EGGS, tapping: Oving

ELDERLY

adverts aimed at the: Grayshott

beige clothes worn by the: Dunwear

denial of napping by the: Gradgery

explanation of computers to the: Bracknell

ELTON JOHN, SIR, the glamorous life of: Flothers

EMAILS

disastrous: Sentosa

saucy: Friskney

ENEMIES

surly nods to: Boasley Cross

warm greetings from: Old Edlington

ENTHUSIASM

lack of, in cockerels: Henlow

lack of, in general: Ab Lench

ENTOURAGES, precocious: Licola

ENVIRONMENT, lukewarm concern for: Seave Green

ESCALATORS

conversations on: Waltham Cross

inhabitants of: Freuchies

ESTATE AGENTS

duplicity of: Fentral

further duplicity of: Vuku

how to irritate: Woll

EXES

pangs over: Hüffenhardt

perfect: Studley Roger

porky partners of: Hüffelsheim

EXPLETIVES

barely worthy of the name: Hassocks

inserted: Scunthorpe

reluctant: Clent

EYE CONTACT, disturbing: Croome

EYEBROWS

individual hairs of: Skares

raised: Upper Froyle

EYES

closed: Drewton

lazy: Anglesey

locked: Croome

smokey: Dolving

theatrically averted: Zolling

F

FACES

claustrophobic: Inworth

contorted: Gelligroes

pulling: Gurnard

singer-songwriters’: Harburn

FAECES

in potty: Enderby

in transit: Humptulips

FAIRGROUNDS: Winfarthing

FAIRTRADE: Swaythling

FAMILY

gatherings: Peening Quarter

genealogy: Manningtree

FANCY DRESS, hopeless: Flappit Spring

FAREWELLS, protracted: Avening

FARMHOUSES, lonely: Glounthaune

FASHION, not, and never going to be, in: Bogue

FATHERS

first-time: Babcary

night-time: Burzy

FEAR

of best men: Prayle Grove

of metal detectors: Narridy

of taking it personally: Knockandhu

FEELINGS

autumnal: Tansley

vague, regretful: Morpeth

wise, melancholy: Low Etherley

FENCEPOSTS: Hampole

FESTIVALS: Jamberoo

FIDDLINESS: Chichery

FILMS

chase scenes in: Torremolinos

dénouements of: Millom

disappointing re-runs of: Cruntully

expendable characters in: Kirkbuddo

obscure jobs in: Chanlockfoot

sci-fi: Vron Gate

soppy: Bweeng

FINANCIERS, renegade: Bankhead

FINGERNAILS, errant: Clippesby

FIREWORKS, dud: Bangkok

FISHERMEN

half-hearted: Henglers

whole-hearted: Tweed Heads

FLATMATES, male: Beaucroissant

FLOORING: Ratagan

FLOSSING: Blargies

FOOD

beige, on trains: Broons

gruesome, regional: Quarmby

red-hot, in mouth: Spalding

FOOTBALLERS, sexual athleticism of: Bejoording

FORDS: East Anglia

FORGETTING

what order the alphabet’s in: Zanzibar

what you ordered online: Pinvin

what you went shopping for: Melby

who you phoned: Hoo Hole

why you started the anecdote: Etting

FORGIVEN, not: Dungiven

FRAUDS, charming: Furneux Pelham

FRIDGES, gloomy perusal of: Corregidor

FRIENDLINESS: Standish

FRIENDS

custody of: Amesbury

overexposure to: Dunrossness

FRIENDSHIPS: Buding

FRIGHTS, accidental: Heckmondwike

FRUIT JUICE: Minskip

FRY, STEPHEN: Soroba

FUNERALS: Bodnant

FUTONS: Sutton

G

GAITS

bankers’: Chuffily-Roche

shoplifters’: Strogue

smugglers’: Crimby

GARNISH, questionable nature of: Frinkle Green

GEEZERS: Shooter’s Hill

GENITALS

accidental entanglement of: Climping

First Lady’s: Clunbury

pantomime dame’s: Theddlethorpe

strategic concealment of: South Harting

GERMANS

naked: Letheringsett

plentiful: Hungladder

GESTURES

Mongolian: Rhughasinish

telephonic: Barlin

GIANTS

Newtonian: Newtonmore

Norse: Volmunster

nostrils of: Metricup

GIFT SHOPS, empty: Esquerchin

GLARES

from concert-goers: Inverlune

from old gits on buses: Tutbury

from Scotsmen in pubs: McGregor’s Corner

from tea-drinkers: Teevurcher

from unused landlines: Sulham

towards inanimate objects: Neen Savage

GLASSES

dents in nose from: Aismunderby

resemblance to superhero from: Drimmo

thick-rimmed: Daggons

too vain to wear: Yarpole

GLOVE COMPARTMENTS: Annecy

GLOVES

children’s: Hampole

oven: Caterham

percussionists’: Mittagong

scented: Humptulips

GNOMES, garden: Briffons

GOALS: Prowse

GOATS, things that aren’t: Chambilly

GOD: Abbots Ripton

GOLFERS, insane: Ballywatticock

GOODBYES, botched: Gomersal

GOSSIP: Belmunging

GRAFFITI: Murist

GRAPES: Kangarilla

GREETINGS

equine: Haigh

half-rising: Chertsey

intermittent: Hallon

GUESTS, who pretend they’ve been shot: Obergurgl

GURUS, glasses of management: Daggons

GUY OF GISBORNE: Guith

GYMS: Rickmansworth

H

HAIR

fiddling with: Crindle

lunatic tufts of: Kiel Crofts

HANDBAGS: Nelsherry

HANDSHAKES

creepy: Creevins

watery: Kirby-le-Soken

HARRY POTTER: Quidnish

HATS

imaginary doffing of: Tipton

papal: Caterham

off but doesn’t feel like it: Hatfield

with ears on: Cradley

worn by buffoons riding donkeys: Dutson

HEADPHONES: Jackadgery

HEDGEHOGS: Yepes

HEIGHT

differences in: Pipe and Lyde

HELP, not bloody likely: Faccombe

HERBS, inability to say the word: Hreppholar

HIDE-AND-SEEK: Malahide

HOLES

in aeroplane windows: Frasseto

in arses: Smoke Hole

in bedroom walls: Oodnadatta

in belts: Ventry

in golf courses: Micheldever

in presents: Wookey Hole

HOLIDAYS

failure of tan on: Caramany

flow of time on: Ebberston

HOMOSEXUALITY: Quatsino

HONEY, foreign objects in: Beelsby

HORSES

light conversation between: Haigh

squiggles which don’t resemble: Horse of Copinsay

HOTELS

ambiguous liquids provided by: Aruba

fluffiness of towels in: Abernethy

forgettable art in: Painswick

minuscule bathrooms in: Monzambano

HUGS: Leoh

HYPOCHONDRIA: Kilkeary

I

ICE CREAM: Ullatti

IGNORANCE, general: Lostwithiel

IMPLEMENTS

agricultural: Cowhythe

cosmetic: Clayton

kitchen: Danby Wiske

tavern: Broadwoodwidger

IMPROVEMENTS, catastrophic: Birtle

IN OUR TIME: Keith Inch

INCOMPETENCE: Swanbister

INDEX, keeping up with The Dow Jones: Alawoona

INNOCENCE, protestations of: Snaresbrook

INSECTS: Antist

INSTRUCTION MANUALS: Erquery

INTERNET

fear and loathing on the: Fowey

feeble marketing on the: Egremont

repellent postings on the: Nutgrove

self-diagnosis on the: Illies

spelling misteaks on the: Low Snaygill

whirligig graphic thingies on the: Sorrento

INVEIGLING: Dunoon

IRON

brown marks left by an: Fryerning

corrugated: Ribble

ITALIANS, see WAITERS: Gribbio

J

JACKETS

asinine: Foscot

bovine: Biggleswade

canine: Datchet

JARS

Duchy: Chadbury

sticky: Vobster

JEDIS, pretend: Yasnomorsky

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES, persistent: Upper Godney

JIGSAW, pieces: Clontumpher

JOBS

former, financial: Bankhead

obscure, film: Chanlockfoot

JOKES

from the boss: Davidson’s Mains

from the Bard: Pepper Arden Bottoms

JOURNALISTS: Askham Bryan

K

KETTLES: Macroom

KETTLING, benign: Kirtling

KEYBOARDS

broken bits of: Caputh

gunk in: Strood

KISSES

bearded: Mungo Brush

bungled: Dongolocking

unshaven: Burzy

unwanted: Salmon Gums

very definitely unwanted: Spittal of Glenmuick

KITCHEN

ceilings: Danby Wiske

drawers: Rissington

KNIGHTS, lusty: Barwick-in-Elmet

KNIVES, hunting: Cutsyke

KNOBS

staircase: Hampstead

stopwatch: Chetnole

L

LABELS

dry-cleaning: Sezincote

maddening: Queets

LADYBOYS: Philippines

LANDLINES, archaic: Sulham

LANGUAGE

body: Sychtyn

foreign: Yealand Conyers

LAP-DANCING: Letchworth

LAPTOPS, glow of: Swona

LAUGHS, carefree little: Farthinghoe

LAVATORY, see LOO

LEAFLETS

littering the hall: Grayshott

littering the street: Adjungbilly

LEGO: Kirkwhelpington

LETTERS

missing: Ancaster

thank-you: Alkipi

LIGHTS

misleadingly singular: Carlops

momentarily intriguing: Wembury

murderously alluring: Glims Holm

small and nothing to worry about: Brighton

LINT: Woolloomooloo

LIPSTICK: Avonmouth

LIQUIDS

dubious: Aruba

separated: Binegar

spilt: Sweening

LISTS

mental: Wickham Market

To Do: Lispopple

LOLLIES: Cricklewood

LOO, see TOILETS

LOOKS

belligerent, from poultry: Cappananty

baleful, from people: Killiecrankie

LOTTERY: Slattocks

LOVERS: Symbister

M

MAIL, junk: Chevening

MAKE-UP

overdone: Avonmouth

overgenerous: Clayton

MANAGEMENT, good-for-nothing: Upper Swainswick

MANHOLE COVERS, grandiose: Marganure

MANUALS, electrical: Erquery

MARKS

and Spencer: Gussage St Michael

left by an iron: Fryerning

MARMITE

inaccessible blobs of: Wotton-under-Edge

secret ingredient of: Portsoy

MASSAGE: Velving

MASTURBATION, groundwork for: Fletching

MATCHBOXES: Scatsta

MEAT, of uncertain origin: Minsk

MEMBERSHIP: Drumnadrochit

MEN

housework botched by: Husbands Bosworth

housework completed by: Himbleton

MENU

unlike description on the: Potto

unlike everything else on the: Curry Rivel

MESS: Muckle Skerry

METAL DETECTORS: Narridy

MILOMETERS, hypnotic: Zinasco

MINIATURISTS, Flemish: Compton Pauncefoot

MISANTHROPY: Brouchy

MONEY

in birthday cards: Scatness

see also COINS

MOODS, indeterminate: Brund

MOORS, non-Shakespearean: Exmoor

MOTHERS

blethering on: Meckering

concealing hated presents: Kadnook

MOTORBIKES

vicarage: Viker

vintage: Midsomer Norton

MOUSTACHE, Hitler’s: Sculms

MUD: Cumberland

MUGS

false teeth in: Eccup

marks on furniture made by: Sinton

special: Uckerby

MUMBLING

apologetic: Surrey

incoherent: Omdurman

religious: Hemel Hempstead

venomous: Boasley Cross

MUMMIES, yummy: Pennyvennie

MUSIC, deafening: Rhydding

N

NAMES

fake, in phone address book: Aachen

not spoken as written: Arkansas

obscure, on souvenir mugs: Corlattylannan

ornate American: Huish Champflower

overuse of personal: Johnby

NAPPIES: Hanging Grimston

NEIGHBOURS

newsworthiness of: Stockleigh Pomeroy

trampolines of: Trambly

NICENESS, insufficient: Clovelly

NICKNAMES

girly: Poplars

irksome, blokey: The Knab

NOISES

admiring: Geurie

acquatic: Cagnoncles

clinking: Colston Bassett

cutlery-basketish: Killinardrish

dreamy: Burlats

jaunty: Bingley

juvenile: Pyongyang

legal: Tritteling-Redlach

magaziney: Philadelphia

tyre: Vereeniging

NORSE GIANTS: Volmunster

NOSES

bumping: Dongolocking

denting: Aismunderby

trumpeting: Honeybugle

NOSTRIL HAIR

absent: Antrim

ornamental: Utrillas

NOTEBOOKS: Milverton

NUDISTS

English: Frisby on the Wreake

German: Letheringsett

inadvertent: Nunkeeling

NUTS, dangerous: Corippo

O

OBESITY, sex and: Glutton Bridge

OBITUARIES, magnetic: Herserange

OBJECTS, irretrievable: Netheravon

OBSTACLE COURSES: Salterhebble

OFFICES

walking around importantly in: Wapping

wasting other people’s money in: Dorking

OLD ETONIANS: Quinton

OPERA: Turcifal

OPINIONS

parental: Loudwater

poisonous: Cumledge

pompous: Newton Poppleford

provocative: Uffington

put off till later: Polegate

ORANGES, non-orange bits of: Stranocum

ORGANISATIONS, crap: Krumlin

ORIFICES, unexpected: Love Clough

OUTPATIENTS: Ypsilanti

OVERHEARING: Hinton Ampner

OYSTERS: Oyster Skerries

P

PACKAGES, weightless: Albox

PACKAGING

impossibly tangled: Stranagappoge

ludicrously pretentious: Haselbury Plucknett

PANTIES, tinned: Briffons

PANTS

fitting snugly: Diggle

inside-out: Pontypool

PARAGRAPHS, incomprehensible: Espelette

PARKING

close: Virming

free: Timbo

PARTIES

directions to: Poynings

leftovers from: Rooking

PASSENGERS

attractive, reflected in window: Eyeworth

unattractive, slurping coffee: Turtmann

PASSING TRAINS: Didcot Parkway

PASSPORTS: Smeeth

PAST LIVES: Wallness

PASTA

adamantine: Hosta

modish: Baghetti

PATRON SAINTS: St Veep

PAVEMENTS, blocked: Clignancourt

PENCILS, broken: Scremby

PENISES

chocolate: Briffons

minuscule: Anthorn

objects not resembling: Dundry

paper clinging to: Todwick

PENS

felt-tip, dried-up: Scratby

general, dried-up: Pendomer

PEOPLE

anxiously hovering: Lunning

expertly ingratiating: Polyphant

incomprehensibly annoying: Goodworth Clatford

incomprehensibly clever: Nouster

irritatingly chirpy: Henty

not worth meeting: Eworthy

patronisingly dismissive: Unsworth

perfectly inoffensive: Oulton

plumply scurrying: Chudleigh

remarkably well-connected: Fifield Bavant

smug: Nurney

PERFUME: Osmotherley

PETS

alarming, unconventional: Mastrils

code of silence among: Almurta

owner-resembling: Upton Snodsbury

PHALLIC

not really: Dundry

quite the reverse: Vange

PHONE CALLS

forgetfulness during: Hoo Hole

gestures to invite: Barlin

that suddenly stop: Frognal

PHOTOCOPIERS: Brampton Bierlow

PICNICS: Thornton Heath

PIE CRUSTS: Crimcrest

PIERCINGS, genital: Climping

PIGEONS, musical: Aberdovey

PILLOWS, magical: Prospidnick

PIN NUMBERS, theatrical: Zolling

PLANNING: Kyle Lodge

PLASTERS: Greinton

PLOT TWISTS: Ulceby Skitter

POCKETS

bulging: Nunney

patting: Chettle

tiny: Quarff

POLICE

in corner shop: Derryrush

in retirement: Dunstable

not in the car you think they are: Coptiviney

POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS: Hebden Bridge

PORNOGRAPHY, red-hot: Ardateggle

POSES, PONCY: Anembo

POSTCARDS: Smailholm

POTATOES

actors posing as: Tubbrid

jiggling of roast: Skeffling

tramlines in mashed: Murroes

PRATS, jaunty: Bingley

PREGNANCY

environmentally friendly: Treborth

rude exploration of: Koolyanobbing

PREMONITIONS: Dingle

PRESENTS

badly-wrapped: Wookey Hole

bits left after wrapping: Carnalbanagh Sheddings

bought for oneself: Sepon

last minute: Amazonia

PRETENDING

to be doing what you said you’d do: Shimpling

to text when you aren’t really: Clavering

PRINCE CHARLES: Chadbury

PRINGLES: Cliasmol

PRISON, boyfriends in: Huney

PROBLEMS, spooky quantum fluctuation of: Michigan

PROSPECTUSES: Frobost

PROSTITUTES, drowned: Underriver Ho

PUBIC HAIR

in teeth: Gruting

in throat: Throsk

traditional: Winnersh Triangle

untraditional: Mauritius

PUBS

Scottish: McGregor’s Corner

toilets in: Sproxton

villains in: Stratford Tony

Q

QUESTIONS

indirect: Horning

innocuous: Penton Mewsey

macho: Prisk

rhetorical: Dargies

secret: Cricklade

unanswerable: Quadring Eaudike

QUEUES

airport: Nedging

bastards ahead of you in: Straidkilly

imbecile at the front of: Stranagalwilly

saddos behind you in: Straidbilly

QUOTATION MARKS, miming of: Ruddle

R

RABBIS: Klemzig

RADIATORS: Noards

RADIO 4: Keith Inch, Low Whinnow

RAKES: Ebford

READY MEALS: Kilwinning

REALISATIONS, horrible: Rackwallace

RECIPES, risky: Tatlows Folly

RECTORS: Sydling St Nicholas

REFLECTIONS

attractive, of fellow passengers: Eyeworth

disorienting, of yourself: Cockadilly

misleading, of street lamps: Barbican

REMARKS

bland: Thursby

suggestive: Cherry Hinton

REPETITION, unnecessary: Dublin

REPETITION, unnecessary: Dublin

RESIDUES

feathery: Pluckley

muffiny: Remenham

RESTAURANTS

fast-food: Barjarg

Japanese: Nibun

people who won’t leave: Frampton-on-Severn

touristy: Barbaggio

RETCHING: Muker

ROSES: Zigler

ROUNDABOUTS

dizziness induced by: Bodelwyddan

unpopular exits from: Uffcott

ROYALTY

boxes of: Kingledoors

exes of: Cleobury Mortimer

ointment of: Chadbury

RUBBISH

all over the café table: Scurdie Ness

all over the path: Yardley Gobion

all over the street: Spath

RUGBY

parents roaring at: Grangebellew

other unseemly oral behaviour in: Cockermouth

RUGS, manky: Hobbister

S

SANDWICHES

ejections from: Cobnash

fingerprints on: Venables

vegetarian: Hay-on-Wye

SAUSAGES: Dar es Salaam

SCHOOL

enemies: Old Edlington

nostalgia: Gillygooly

photographs: Drewton

SCOTSMEN, big: Big Neeston

SCRABBLE, bag: Ae

SCRUMS: Cockermouth

SEALS, non-performing: Fugglestone St Peter

SECURITY, false sense of: Skirling

SELF-LOATHING

from eating doughnuts: Bunratty

from surfing the internet: Fowey

SENSES, spooky: Balerno, Kanumbra

SERVANTS

of mad scientists: Goltho

of Sir Elton John: Flothers

SEWELL, BRIAN: Westby-with-Plumptons

SEX, lacklustre: Soppog

SEXUAL POSITIONS

impractical: Badgers Mount

unwieldy: Glutton Bridge

SHACKS, picturesque: Mill Craig

SHAKESPEARE

words coined by: Cocumont

incomprehensible jokes of: Pepper Arden Bottoms

SHAVING

expressions: Gelligroes

oligarchs: Mirkady Point

lacunae: Donibristle

scrotums: Mauritius

SHEETS

folding: Chinley

nylon: Evercreech

SHOES

borrowed: Shunnies

scratchy: Crigglestone

squeaky: Skeete

superior: Menadarva

wrong: Wyre Piddle

SHORT CUTS: Addison

SHOULDERS

boyfriends’: Mountnessing

giants’: Newtonmore

voids over: Bannerbank

SHOWERS

adulterous: Humbug Scrub

agonising: Minterburn

SHYNESS: Weesp

SIDEBURNS, wispy: Fylingdales

SIGNATURES, disastrous: Void-Vacon

SIGNS

ambiguous: Toft

Back In 5 Mins: Bambill

bolshy: Bugle Gate

Closing Down: Croth

driving test: Toller Whelme

SILENCE

awkward: Harpenden

codes of: Almurta

resentful: Ferring

SINGER-SONGWRITERS: Harburn

SKIING: Melcombe Horsey

SKIN

colour: Pockley

texture: Rockness

SLEEP, sentences read just before: Audley End

SMELLS

fishy: Garstang

foreign: Fruence

woody: Zezikon

SMILES, special: Jilakin

SMOKERS

al fresco: Hackenthorpe

centenarian: Sproatley

disapproving coughs at: Hackforth

people who claim not to be: Clonbunny

SNACKS

twig-based: Ustibar

vacuous: Nantwich

SNEEZES

blessed aftermath of: Gdansk

blissful aftermath of: Ozleworth

subcontinental: Agharoo

torrential: Farleaze

SNORTS

derisive: Pootings

exasperated: Drumnadrochit

SNOT

dried, in nose: Corpusty

dried, on hotel wall: Drongan

fresh, in hankie: Hankerton

SOAP

tiny noises of: Thorpe Thewles

tiny pieces of: Abcott

SOCKS

low: Southerndown

round: Tuckton

sticky: Greinton

tight: Crimcrest

wet: Maesog

SOUVENIRS: Corlattylannan, Folkestone, Jamberoo

SPANISH: Tahila

SPEECHES, Best Man’s: Prayle Grove

SPEEDWALKING: Walkerburn

SPELLING

uncertain: Ummeracly

unclear: Ruswarp

SPELLS, unfeasible: Lancaster

SPINACH, underestimated: Grampound

SPOONS, undersized: Stirling

SPOTS, unsqueezed: Ulbster

SPRINTING, unsustainable: Springboig

SPRITZERS: Ffridd Faldwyn

STAINS

crotch: Steg

grassy: Grassy Cletts

STAIRLIFTS: Stanway

STAIRS

bottom of the: Ramna Stacks

bounding up the: Ringaskiddy

STAR TREK: Peakirk

STATIONS, whizzing by: Didcot Parkway

STEPS, lightly running up: Gailey Wharf

STONES

rolling: Rockness

significant: Carrogs

tomb: Hartley Mauditt

tossed ineptly: Hurlet

STRANGERS

buffetings from: Bempton

lingering gazes from: Teddington Lock

STUTTERING: Termonfeckin

SUNTANS: Caramany

SUPERMARKETS

alterations in: Kangy Angy

beeping in: Barcillonnette

exotic produce in: Quatt

plastic wedges in: Tildonk

sniffing fruit in: Grantham

snooping in: Munising

unnecessary purchases from: Zububa

SWIMMING, euphoria after: Stromness

SWIMWEAR: Swaffham Bulbeck

SYMPTOMS, complete absence of: Asquith

T

T-SHIRTS: Cleethorpes

TABLES

marked by hot mugs: Sinton

piled with other people’s mess: Scurdie Ness

wiped lackadaisically: Plean

wonky: Baltyfarrell

TACT, complete absence of: Powfoot

TALKING, long after you’ve left the room: Doncaster

TAMPONS: Walberswick

TAPS

inert (interior): Tapnage

inoperative (exterior): Framingham Pigot

TASKS

more difficult than anticipated: Arbuckle Junction

performed with mute resentment: Ferring

TAXI DRIVERS: Gerzat

TAXIS

imaginary: Barbican

waiting outside: Thurrock

TEA

detecting inferior: Te’ekiu

manoeuvring inferior: Teesside

offering inferior: Teetz

suspecting inferior: Teevurcher

TEARS

chess-induced: King’s Pyon

film-induced: Bweeng

walk-induced: Wendover

TEENAGERS

awkward: Quambone

diseased: Kirk Smeaton

French: Clignancourt

in bedroom: Oodnadatta

inexplicable: Woomera

TEETH

food visible in: Cloghogle

pubic hair caught in: Gruting

TELEVISION

denial of watching: Wonersh

eating while watching: Volimes

inability to do without: Boxworth

inability to switch off: Troon

interminable interludes on: Hanging Langford

rubbishy old films on: Cruntully

rubbishy spin-offs on: Butt of Lewis

Scandinavian: Skallary

swearing at: Voorst

TENNIS

balls: Nibun

games: Boyanup

ladders: Aberlemno

nets: Ness of Tenston

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Badlesmere

TESTICLES: Baffie

TEXTING

inattentive: Wiveliscombe

misdirected: Wroxeter

simulated: Clavering

thwarted: Yàmbol

THINGS

half-sucked: Annecy

left behind in a rush: Hastings

that go round and round: Sorrento

that haven’t started yet: Ings

THRIFT: Eakring

TICKLING

immunity to: Inverarish

infantile: Killybegs

TIES: Fiskerton

TIGHTS: Aughnaloopy

TILLS: Barcillonnette

TIME, mysterious nature of: Ebberston

TINS

biscuit: Cruggion

grandmotherly: Biscathorpe

roasting: Rishangles

TIPPING

gauging reaction to: Skeeby

uncertainty over: Ormskirk

TIREDNESS, happy: Malmö

TOAST: Brulange

TOASTERS: Largs

TODDLERS

anti-social: Pootilla

ooze from: Hanging Grimston

TOENAILS: Evercreech

TOILET PAPER

cheap: Fingal’s Cave

Greek: Plocrapool

TOILETS

disabled: Bowshank

Japanese: Ando

literary: Dunning

occupied: Arbroath

symbolic: Praze-an-Beeble

TOMBSTONES: Hartley Mauditt

TONGUES, scraped with a spoon: Muker

TOOLBELTS: Llandrillo

TOOLS

imaginary: Jeffcott

small, pointy: Fugglestone St Peter

TOURISTS: Barbaggio, Clignancourt

TOWELS

dry bits of: Crotone

fluffiness of: Abernethy

on women’s heads: Curbans

used as bathmats: Uralla

TOYS

expensively designed by Swiss: Zaltbommel

hideously disfigured by dogs: Kuala Lumpur

TRAFFIC, nervous: Coptiviney

TRAFFIC JAMS, walking about sighing in: Norristhorpe

TRAFFIC LIGHTS, mysterious lack of power over: Wilberfoss

TRAINS: Didcot Parkway

TRAMPS: Brompton Ralph

TREES, climbing: Oakhanger

TROUSERS

cricketing: Grassy Cletts

high-waisted: Boffles

loopy: Keetmanshoop

TRUMPET, nose blown like a: Honeybugle

TRUNCHEONS: Kettletoft

TUBING: Thil

TYRES

obstacle: Salterhebble

screeching: Vereeniging

TWATS, monumental: The Knab

TWINS: Twinhoe

TWITCHING: Barooga

TWITTER

envy: Snaith

gluttony: Tweefontein

lust: Twitchen

pride: Tootgarook

U

ULTRASOUND: Geurie

ULYSSES: Ullinish

UNDERTAKERS: Creevins

UNMENTIONABLES, pristine: Primrose Valley

URINATION

female, al fresco: Gussage All Saints

male, al fresco: North Piddle

one-eyed: Slaithwaite

V

VEGETABLES

chopped: Gerrots

improbable lust for: Loughborough

unlikely: Zumpango

VEGETARIANISM: Duckend Green, Hay-On-Wye

VICARS

who are in the wrong job: Abbots Ripton

who ride motorcycles: Viker

VIEWS

reflected: Menangle

rural: Balmaha

VIRGIN MARY: Macerata, Stocklinch Magdalen

VIRUSES, see JEFFREY ARCHER

VOICES

lifty: Gwennap

witchy: Wychling

womenish: Quarles

W

WAITERS

Italian, impressive: Bringolo

Italian, overattentive: Askamore

WAITING ROOMS: Asquith

WAKEFULNESS, dubious: Dorney

WALKS

country, ending in cannibalism: Dibden Purlieu

country, ending in tears: Wendover

country, ending in walking further: Heddon

urban, circuitous: Lizard Siding

WALLS: Woll

WAR ROOMS, the little rakes in: Ebford

WARTS: Moy

WASHING Machines

quiet clinking of: Colston Bassett

violent shuddering of: Halamanning

WATER, other people’s tepid: Bawtry

WAVES

feeble: Whimble

Mexican: Manjimup

WAXING, enthusiastic: Tinkerbush

WEDGIES: Lower Sheering

WELLIES

mud on: Cumberland

removal of: Heddle

socks in: Southerndown

WHISKS, gilded: Flothers

WIND, breaking: Farthinghoe

WINDOWS

aeroplane: Frasseto

attractive people reflected in: Eyeworth

car: Croome

rattling: Shap

walking into: Shackerstone

WINDSCREENS

furious notes on: Derrynacaheragh

interesting shapes on: Scudellate

scraping ice off: Carlton Scroop

WINE, people who pretend to know

about: Wendling

WINSTONE, RAY: Levitt Hagg

WOMEN

addressed as guys: Barnave

crying in unison: Quatremare

who are expensively thin: Miskin

who must be mythical: Woumen

who want something: Quarles

WOODLICE: Carnoustie

WOODS: Sticklepath

WORDS

disconcertingly misread: Youlgreave

newly-encountered: Stocklinch Ottersey

Shakespearean: Cocumont

unspellable: Warlus

weird-looking: Worb

WORK, futile: Dorking

WORKMEN, feckless: Jeffcott

WORRIES, nocturnal: Zouch

WRISTBANDS: Jamberoo

WRISTWATCHES: Wychbold

X

X: Xining

Y

YAWNS

injuries caused by: Yarborough

interruptions prompted by: Kewstoke

YELLS, weedy: Carnforth

YOUTUBE: Sorrento

Z

ZONES, erogenous: The Pole of Itlaw

ZOYS, whatever they might be: Middlezoy

About the Authors

JOHN LLOYD wrote The Meaning of Liff with Douglas Adams in 1983. He is the original producer of The News Quiz, To the Manor Born, Not the Nine O’Clock News, Blackadder, Spitting Image and QI. He has also produced many books, including The Book of General Ignorance, which has been translated into thirty languages. Married to Sarah, they have three little kelks and twelve prospidnicks.

JON CANTER is the author of the comic novels Seeds of Greatness, A Short Gentleman and Worth. He was script editor for Fry & Laurie, wrote stand-up with Lenny Henry and his journalism has appeared in the Guardian. His radio series Believe It won Best Scripted Comedy at the BBC Audio Awards. He lives in Suffolk with the painter Helen Napper and their yafford.

By the Same Authors

also by John Lloyd (with Douglas Adams)

THE MEANING OF LIFF

THE DEEPER MEANING OF LIFF

also by John Lloyd (with John Mitchinson)

THE BOOK OF GENERAL IGNORANCE

THE SECOND BOOK OF GENERAL IGNORANCE

THE BOOK OF ANIMAL IGNORANCE

ADVANCED BANTER: THE QI BOOK OF QUOTATIONS

THE QI BOOK OF THE DEAD

THE QI ‘E’, ‘F’, ‘G’ & ‘H’ ANNUALS

also by John Lloyd (with John Mitchinson & James Harkin)

1,227 QI FACTS TO BLOW YOUR SOCKS OFF

also by Jon Canter published by Vintage

SEEDS OF GREATNESS

A SHORT GENTLEMAN

WORTH

Copyright

First published in 2013

by Faber and Faber Ltd

Bloomsbury House

74–77 Great Russell Street

London WC1B 3DA

This ebook edition first published in 2013

All rights reserved

© John Lloyd, 2013

The right of John Lloyd to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

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ISBN 978–0–571–30170–6