Adventures with the Wife and Blake Volume Two
Author: Neil Perryman, Sue Perryman
Date: 0101-01-01 00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: TV Nonfiction
Publisher: Sue Me Books

Adventures with the Wife and Blake

Volume 2: The Avon Years

Neil and Sue Perryman

Copyright 2014, Neil and Sue Perryman
Published by Sue Me Books
All rights reserved

Blake’s 7 and all related concepts are copyright B7 Enterprises Ltd,
and are used under the principle of fair use

Asteroid cover image:
Copyright Mopic | Dreamstime.com

Acknowledgments

We would like to thank everyone who supported our difficult second album, especially Glen Allen, John Williams, Mr Andy Miller, Simon Harries, Gareth Roberts, Una McCormack, Paul Jones, Steven Schapansky, Royston Robertson, John Callaghan, Paul Smith, Dean Hill, Annie Worrall, Will Joy, Daniel Blythe, Nicol Perryman, and the one and only Paul Darrow.

We are also deeply indebted to all the Kickstarter backers who gave us their support (and hard cash) to make this project a reality, especially Matthew Kopelke, Matt Hills, Jon Cole, Derek Handley, Matthew Trulock, Jamie Baverstock, Ian Greaves, Paul Morris, Joe McIntyre, Scott Fenton, Gareth Martland, Liam Hutchinson, Chaz Antonelli, Frank Shailes, Christopher Reynolds, Robbie Moubert, Tony Lyell, Neil Smith, Bradley Forssman, Kirk Moore, Matthew Sweet, Mat Dolphin, John Paul Green, Nathan Cooke, Frank Collins, Jonathan Grove, Phil Ware, Kate Short, Graeme Caddies-Green, Iain Hepburn, David Rolinson, Mark Whiteman, la reine margot, Grant Mainwaring, Dr Neil Scotchmer, Brody Finney, Merric Blackman, Walter McIntosh, theMunted, Tony Murray, Stappi, Emma Kennedy, Mutt ‘n’ Bear, Grant Reeves, Chris Hughes, David H. Adler, Mendou, Maff, Simon Castle, Adam Parker, Robert Jewell, Adam Redman, Huw Buchtmann, Frank Wales, Matt Treml (aka Rabbi the Mage), Giles Smith, Mark B Oliver, Todd Beilby, Jarad Higgins, Judith Jackson, Luke Harrison (TMDWP), Simon Booth, Barry Platt, Neil Thomas, Rob Morris, Ben Heywood, Chicanery, Ian Sadler, Richard Hardy, Brandon Smith, Barnaby Eaton-Jones, Adam Westwood, Tim Carter, Paul Mudie, Ben Knaak, Tony Stevens, Jason Brooks, Steve T, Alex Mallinson, Michael Patey, Gareth Lee-Thomas, Nick Kirby, Sue Cowley, Thomas Marwede, Richard Fairweather, Jon Padgett, Richard Johnson, Nick Lawton, David Whittam, Paul Dykes, Kelly and Chris Arthur, Hannah G, Hurriyet, Kat W, Martin Kay, Brian M. Milton, Simon Darnell, Tim Coward, Stefan Mueller, Mikhaila Pye, Victoria Free, Drew Simchik, Scott Sherritt, Mark ‘Obscurest’ Hunter, Gordon Barr, Richard Marklew, Mary F, Paul Shields, Amy Micklewright, Jeroen te Strake, Martin Kennaugh, Simon Hart, Stephen La Riviere, Andy Dobson, David Gillespie, Patrick David Helm, Dave Sanders, Chris Berry, Chris Newman, Gary Mathewson, Gareth Randall, Josh Zimon, Phil Sandifer, Robert Dick, Bryan Valko, Iain Morrison, Mark Andrew Jones, Huw Davies, Luke Atkins, Mark York (aka Ferrain at Project Dalek), Jason Highfield, Joe the Dalek, Paul Campbell, George Ganat, James Grime, Simon Barrett, Louise Collins, Dave Owen, Philippa Watts, Cliff Chapman, Ian Dack, Nightsky, Jo Golding, Alan Mordey, Matt Bartley, Steven Harding, Jennifer Haston, dave.brad4d, Patrick Bellis, Andrew Peregrine, Charles M Paulsen, Marcia Franklin (Neowhovian), Shaun Raven, Mike Pitt, Russell Williams, Andrew Marsden, Sighs4l, Martin Collins, Chris Williams, Elaine J Jackson, Richard Lyth, Peter Tye, JJ Gauthier, Steve Roberts (from Tucson), Mark Cockram, Chris Limb, Mike Crate, Melissa Swenson, Austin Lugar, Pat Harrigan, Brendan Jones (bigger sigh), Stephen Allport, Ratovan, John-Paul Waterson, @mistylister, James Armstrong (a loyal reader!), Rod Hedrick, Robert Shearman, Gary Wales, Beth Cameron, Mike Davey, Ian Cockburn, Graham Holland @itsafrogslife, Andrew Thompson, Andy Wellock, Brad Ackland, Stewart Smith, Larry and Eleanor Dyde, Liam McCauley, Jonathan Baldwin, Craig Hanson, Neal Rafferty, Simon Simmons, Andrew T. Smith, David Wilcox, Demian Katz, Dominic Francis, Scott Burton, Andy Wixon, Jen Kain, Simon Exton, Alex Wilcock, GtBFilms, Mark Taylor, Dave Shuttleworth, Steve Duerden, Rachel Pearce, Dave Dorrell, Kevin West, Christian Ainscough, Lisa, Richard Abela, Tansy Rayner Roberts, moonbug, Henry Beaumont, Chris Orton, Tom Charman, Colin Speirs, Claire J Hannon, Gibbsy, Richard Leadbetter, Colin Tate, George Alabaster, Vivienne Dunstan, Gary Bates, Sean Hewitt, Stuart Ian Burns, Matt Sharp, Peter Lack, Kevin Jordan, Roderick T. Long, Stewart Macdonald, Edith Rogers and Stuart Christie, Nathan Bottomley, Dave Wythe, Simon Middleton, Hendryk Korzeniowski, Paul Greaves from the TimeVault podcast, Jonathan Finn, and Robin Milton.

Thank you so much.

Foreword

In January 1978, I was five years old and the youngest of six children in a packed household of mostly teenagers who quarrelled constantly over who got to watch what on the telly. January 1978 brought the household to crisis point. On one side, the Coronation Street aficionados. On the other side, fighting the good but solitary fight against the forces of tyranny, sister number 3, who wanted to watch that new science fiction television programme on BBC1. To my eternal shame, I backed Team Coronation Street. They won.

The upshot of this is that I never saw the first two seasons of Blake’s 7 on transmission (I guess Charlie’s Angels won the following year’s smackdown). Two years later, when the title made even less sense than ever, I found myself watching the start of ‘Aftermath’. And something clicked Perhaps it was the thrill of coming into a story partway through, or a childish delight in Vila’s bad jokes; perhaps it was the first faint sigh of puberty at the sight of a bruised Paul Darrow passing out in a life capsule… whatever it was, it worked. I was in love with Blake’s 7. There followed a lonely but intense adolescence: I imagined myself on the Liberator; I sat with my finger hovering over the pause button waiting for a promised clip on Telly Addicts; and, finally (and inevitably) I started writing – passionately felt and guilt-free Mary-Sues, and some extremely dodgy poetry in which I pondered at length why an old wall might wait, and what it might be waiting for.

Eventually, you get to leave your all-female convent school and enter a wider world that – gasp! – includes people who are broadly interested in the same things as you, and you learn to love as intensely but with more of a sense of humour about the whole thing. Even so, seeing your favourite TV show come under the scrutiny of an eye as sharp, clever, and honest as Sue Perryman’s is a nerve-wracking experience (as Neil must know better than any of us). I clicked onto the review of ‘Rumours of Death’ with a shaky finger and heart. Would Sue understand? Had I been fooling myself all these years? Was this to be the moment I reached my own old wall?

It’s therefore been a great delight (not to mention a massive relief), that Sue has ‘got’ Blake’s 7 – and, even better, gets the Avon Years. Between the Kairopan spiders, the Thaarns, the Molochs, and the Betafarlian wigs (all of which meet their deserved comeuppance in the pages that follow) Sue has glimpsed some of what I saw all those years ago – that when Blake’s 7 works, it really works. Its dialogue can snap, crackle, and pop; it can tell a great adventure story and then suddenly devastate; Paul Darrow Suffers Beautifully; and Avon and Cally were totally shagging.

Yes, Sue got it. I could move on happily to the review of my beloved ‘Sarcophagus’, and then onto the unique combination of tinsel and nihilism that is the fourth season (or Series D as I think we’re meant to say). I’ll naturally say nothing here to spoil the final episode, but speaking on behalf of the many female fans of my acquaintance, I’d like reassure Sue that most of us watched ‘Blake’ in our pyjamas, without make-up, and with our hair a right clip the first time round, and continue to do so to this day. And I’d like to say thank you, Sue, for watching Blake’s 7 with us, right the way through to the Christmas Special, for telling us new things about it, and for understanding why we love our mad old show.

In 1980, my father rented a VCR. It was a top-loading beast with big levers instead of buttons and no remote control (that came with the second VCR, and was attached to the machine with a cable). I assume my father (a frugal man feeding six children on a deputy head’s salary) did this in order to get some peace and quiet, although it didn’t solve the arguments over the rocketing phone bill. I still have in my possession some ancient video cassettes, containing selected episodes from the third season (Series C?) and the whole of season 4 (or is that Series D). I don’t have a VCR, but I’ll never part with that little box of tapes.

And that old wall? Your past crimes will always come back to haunt you. Whatever I do to prove my devotion to the Best TV Series Ever (Yes, Even Doctor Who), up to and including writing this foreword for this wonderful book, sister number 3 will always be there to remind me that way back in January 1978 I sold out the rebels. Sorry, everyone.

Una McCormack
October 2014

Introduction

In the introduction to the first volume, I teased the other reason I had for choosing Blake’s 7 as the subject for our difficult second album. It’s quite simple, really: I wanted Sue to watch the last episode.

I always have, from the first day I met her. Well, maybe not the first day, but it was definitely the first week. In fact, the willpower required to resist showing it to her when we first became a couple was considerable, because you know what it’s like during the honeymoon period: it’s the only time in the relationship where the other person still fancies you enough to say, ‘Yeah, OK, let’s watch ‘Genesis of the Daleks’ together’ or ‘I’ve never seen a single episode of Blake’s 7, but I’ll watch the last one with you if you’ll sit down and shut up.’

But I didn’t want Sue to watch that episode with me out-of-context. I wanted her to watch it the same way I did in 1981. I wanted her to watch it after she’d fallen in love with the characters who were about to get massacred. I wanted her to feel the bullets tearing through their spines. I wanted her to care, and I wanted it to hurt.

Christmas 1981. I’ll never forget it. I was 12 years old, and even though I didn’t believe in Santa Claus any more (I discovered a pile of unwrapped presents sitting in my parents’ wardrobe six years earlier), this was the year I really lost my innocence. Because this was the year the bad guys didn’t win.

Yes, The Empire Strikes Back, released the year before, had ended on a bit of a downer, but Han Solo was still alive when the credits rolled. I certainly didn’t see his guts spill out onto the floor. And when Doctor Who died, well, he just got back up and carried on as if nothing had happened (which he’d do again in a couple of weeks time); his companions never met sticky ends, either. Not ever. Because things were simpler in 1981: good always triumphed over evil (eventually), and everyone lived happily ever after.

And then I went to Gauda Prime and everything changed. Without wishing to sound melodramatic, this was the moment where I not only experienced grief for the first time, it was also the moment where I instinctively knew that this was what real life was really like. Because people died, good didn’t always triumph over evil, and, when you boiled it down, the universe was a bit shit and unfair. Valuable lessons when you’re about to hit puberty.

It’s also responsible for my love affair with unhappy endings: The Thing; Magnolia; Threads; Romeo and Juliet; 1984; Midnight Cowboy; Miracle Mile; Brazil; Naked; The Wicker Man; Night of the Living Dead; The Mist – the more nihilistic the ending, the better. And yet none of these denouements can hold a candle to ‘Blake’. Because I spent years with those characters. Vila was like a brother to me, Soolin was like a cousin to me (and you can fancy your cousin – Blake said so), and Avon was a bit like my dad, only less sophisticated. So when all three of them were gunned down in cold blood by a fascist regime, it felt personal. And it hurt. God, it hurt.

And that’s how I wanted Sue to experience the final episode, which sounds cruel, I admit, but it also felt right. However, because I knew this could only happen if Sue agreed to sit through 51 episodes of Blake’s 7 first – and no honeymoon period lasts that long - I also knew it would never happen. Never in a million years. But then, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, I ended up in the enviable position where asking my wife to watch every single episode of Blake’s 7 with me was suddenly the most natural thing in the world, instead of the stupidest thing ever. Or maybe it was both.

So, thanks to you, my dream came true: Sue watched that episode of Blake’s 7 with me, weighed down with baggage and expectations and hope, and, well, I won’t spoil it for you if you haven’t read the blog yet, but let’s just say that the journey was worth it. Yes, even ‘Animals’.

Neil Perryman
November 2014

Please note: This is the sweary-pants edition of the ebook, which means it leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. If you’d prefer a copy with all the fucks taken out, please contact me for a censored replacement.

SERIES C

It’ll be awfully crowded when Blake and Jenna get back

C1: Aftermath

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 7 January 1980
Blogged: 1 May 2014

Sue: Ooh, there’s a new title sequence.

She doesn’t like it very much.

Sue: Is Blake’s 7 a cartoon, now? And who are these three supposed to be? They look like the Red Arrows. Why are the Red Arrows chasing the Liberator, Neil?

The third series begins with an explosive montage.

Sue: Is this a recap? I’ve seen that spaceship before - it’s got a face like a sad fish.

The war between the Federation and the shape-shifting aliens has reached Space City.

Sue: I’ve definitely seen that before. And that. And that… That still looks shit. I can’t believe they had the balls to show that again.

I tell her that the epic space battle was cobbled together with recycled effects shots, to save money they didn’t actually have.

Sue: So they’ve spent even less money on this series than the previous two? How is that even possible?

Star One has been destroyed!

Sue: That’s all the pineapples fucked, then. And that wasn’t Star One that just blew up - Star One is on a planet, and that was a spaceship. At least I think it was a spaceship. It could have been a light fitting.

Space City miraculously turns up again – even though it was destroyed only a few moments ago - and this time it peppers the Liberator with laser fire. Our heroes, meanwhile, are nowhere to be seen.

Sue: The direction is really weird. What the hell is going on?

Vila is the first familiar face we see, as an explosion on the Liberator almost sets fire to his backside.

Sue: Please kill him off. Yes! Do it! DO IT! Oh no, he’s OK. Never mind…

Avon, Cally and Orac join Vila in the Liberator’s life capsule bay. We are informed that Jenna has already evacuated with Blake.

Sue: Maybe they’ll finally cop-off with each other.

When Avon is knocked unconscious by another explosion, Vila places him in a life support capsule with Orac, which is then ejected from the ship.

Sue: And suddenly there’s no sound in space. It’s a bit late for realism now!

When Avon wakes up, he finds himself plummeting towards an alien planet.

Sue: So is that it for the Liberator? What about Zen? Who’s going to save him? They didn’t even say goodbye.

Avon’s capsule is going much too fast – it’s going to burn up!

Sue: This is a great start. Just don’t kill him!

Two Federation troopers have crashed on the same planet.

Sue: Oh look, it’s the evil one from UNIT.
Me: There was a time when you wouldn’t have to narrow that down.
Sue: It’s the traitor, Yates. Yes, that’s who it is – it’s Mike Yates. Are you impressed, Neil?
Me: A bit. OK, so who’s his mate, then?
Sue: He is vaguely familiar. Did he play a policeman?
Me: It’s Eddie Royle. He used to run the Queen Vic. Played a Terileptil. No?
Sue: No.

Eddie and Mike don’t last very long.

Sue: Oh, I thought Yates was going to become a regular character. Did he do that scene as a favour for someone?

Avon is about to meet the same fate as Mike and Eddie – namely having his throat cut by the local medieval sci-fi bad guy (‘Just what we need - more medieval sci-fi!’) - when a beautiful woman swoops in and rescues him.

Sue: This is very James Bond all of a sudden.

Dayna takes Avon to a nearby cave to recover, and it isn’t long before they’re locking lips.

Sue: She doesn’t mess about.

Dayna’s kiss soothes Avon’s headache.

Sue: Avon!
Me: So much for Avon being asexual.
Sue: I’ve changed my mind; I think I prefer him like this.

Dayna leads Avon back to his crashed capsule.

Sue: I’m sure I recognise this beach.
Me: I think this was filmed at Bamburgh.
Sue: I knew it! I’ve been there. It’s very romantic.
Me: Is it? I haven’t.

And then something mad happens:

Sue: No way!

Servalan is sprawled out on a sand dune.

Sue: No fucking way! How the hell did she get there?

Servalan struggles to operate a small hand-held device that won’t stop buzzing…

Sue: I’m saying nothing.

… while Avon lugs Orac across a beach.

Sue: Orac should shrink himself down so Avon can put him in his pocket, even if it is just for a few hours. Orac is a very selfish computer, sometimes.

When Dayna tells Avon that she lives beneath the sea, Avon admits that he isn’t very keen on water sports.

Sue: I’m saying nothing, again.

While Avon waits for Dayna to check that the Northumbrian coast is clear, Servalan manages to sneak up on him.

Sue: Of all the beaches in the universe that she could have landed on, she had to pick this one. What are the chances of that? Unless you’re Terry fucking Nation, in which case it’s fucking inevitable.

A tense standoff ensues.

Sue: It looks like they’re here for a beach wedding. All they need now is a priest.

Avon and Servalan put aside their differences in order to escape from a marauding horde of Sarrans.

Sue: That was a great scene. Very funny. I knew they’d end up working together eventually. I just didn’t think it would be quite so soon.

Dayna escorts the happy couple to her father’s underwater base.

Sue: This reminds me of James Bond as well. The set is really nice, actually. I love the lighting. Big Brother should model their next house on this underwater theme.

Dayna offers to find something for Servalan to wear.

Sue: Yeah, good luck with that.

Avon is then introduced to Dayna’s father, Hal Mellanby. Or, if you’re Sue:

Sue: The man from Boney M.

Hal tells Avon that the recent alien incursion has left the Federation in tatters. Avon hopes that Blake survived long enough to realise that he was winning.

Sue: Where the hell is Blake, anyway? Has he got the week off? Not that I’m complaining.

Servalan and Dayna spend some quality time together.

Sue: I’m beginning to think that Gareth was right (see Interlude B in Volume 1). Blake’s 7 has turned into a soap opera. I’m waiting for the inevitable catfight.

Hal Mellanby is blind, and a sensor on his chest relays images to his spectacles.

Sue: He’s invented Goggle glasses.
Me: I wonder if he can get porn on them…
Sue: Trust you to think of that.

Hal introduces Avon to his stepdaughter, Lauren.

Sue: Another beautiful woman for Avon to snog later. I bet Avon can’t believe his luck. He’s really landed on his feet.
Me: You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Avon establishes contact with the Liberator.

Sue: I assume that we’ll get to see Blake and Jenna’s adventure next week, and Cally and Vila’s adventure the week after that. Am I right? It’s an interesting way of doing things, I suppose, but it means I’m going to struggle with the next two episodes. This one’s great, though.

Avon tells Zen to listen out for Vila and Cally while the Liberator returns to Sarran to pick him up.

Sue: I don’t understand why they didn’t just stay on the ship. It looks fine to me. All that aggravation for nothing.

Servalan and Avon share a nice glass of crème de menthe. She tells him that Star One has been destroyed.

Me: You wouldn’t believe what people are doing for a slice of pineapple these days.
Sue: I think we’ve exhausted all the pineapple jokes, love. Give it a rest.

Servalan wants to turn Avon to the dark side. Together they could build an empire even more powerful than the Federation.

Servalan: There is nothing you can imagine that we couldn’t do.
Avon: I am thinking of it.
Sue: I bet you are. But what you’re thinking about right now has absolutely nothing to do with ruling the galaxy.

When they eventually kiss, Sue gasps. And then Avon throws Servalan to the floor and Sue sings the theme to Dallas.

Sue: That was a fabulous scene. You couldn’t imagine her trying that on with Blake. This has definitely gone a bit soapy.

Cruelly rejected by Avon, Servalan finds a weapon hidden in one of Dayna’s bedroom cabinets.

Sue: Dayna’s got anger management issues, so she has to hide her handguns around the house. A bit like Sue Ellen and her secret bottles of whisky.

Hal Mellanby doesn’t like the Federation very much, probably because they murdered his family and friends.

Sue: He’s a great actor. It’s really good, this.

Servalan kills Hal, but only after she’s humiliated him first.

Sue: What a bitch! This is even worse than Fight Night in Big Brother 5. There was no need for that. Just when I was beginning to like her as well.

Servalan absconds with Orac, leaving Dayna to weep for her dead father.

Sue: Poor Dayna. Avon should take her with him. She’s lovely. I bet she gets killed.

Dayna finds her stepsister’s corpse tied to a pillory.

Sue: How grim is this? This episode would be quite bleak if they’re weren’t running around on a beach with giant water pistols.

Servalan is captured by the local medieval sci-fi bad guys, which means Avon will have to rescue her if he wants Orac back. Dayna provides covering fire.

Sue: A man just died because some water splashed him on the back of his head. I’m sorry, but that was shit!

Servalan demands safe passage off the planet in exchange for Orac, which she’s buried in a shallow grave. Avon agrees and they retrieve the supercomputer from the beach.

Sue: Don’t get sand in Orac!

The Sarrans attack and Servalan is thrown to the floor. It’s becoming something of a habit.

Sue: She needs a henchman. Oh, and a sensible pair of shoes.

Dayna points her water pistol at Servalan’s head.

Sue: Do it! DO IT!

But before she can pull the trigger, Dayna and Avon are teleported back to the Liberator.

Sue: Oh no. I really wanted her to do it. Sort of. Oh, it’s complicated.

But there’s a surprise in store for Avon…

Strange Curly-Haired Guy: What are you doing on my ship?
Sue: Who the hell is this twat?

Cue credits.

Sue: Not another cliffhanger! Come on, put the next one on.
Me: No.

The Score

Me: That was probably the best episode of Blake’s 7 so far. If it wasn’t for Servalan coincidentally turning up on the same beach – as if! – and the rubbish space battle at the beginning, I would have given that a 10.

9/10

Sue: It’s turned into The Avon Show. And I like it.

Blog tagline: May Day Mayday. (Because this episode begins with a mayday and I published it on the first of May. And I couldn’t think of anything better, obviously.)

GLEN’S TRAILER: Glen phones Blake, but he’s out.

COMMENT: Simon Amstell appearing on the Liberator was a bit of a surprise. – Andy Luke

C2: Powerplay

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: David Maloney
Broadcast: 14 January 1980
Blogged: 5 May 2014

Nicol accidentally joined us for this one.

Nicol: Oh dear, it’s a Terry Nation.
Sue: Actually, that’s a good omen, Nic.
Nicol: What have you done to my mother, Neil?

Federation troopers, led by Captain Del Tarrant and Section leader Klegg, have hijacked the Liberator.

Sue: With a name like Klegg, I hate him already.

Sue is too old to remember Michael Sheard as Maurice Bronson in Grange Hill (and Nicol is too young), but she doesn’t recognise him from his many appearances in Doctor Who either, which is a bit of a shame.

Anyway, Avon provides the Federation with a fake name and Tarrant admits that he can’t fly the ship.

Sue: He’s a bit posh. I like him, though. He reminds me of a younger, thinner Michael Ball.

Unfortunately, Sue and Nicol can’t take Klegg seriously.

Sue: Is he supposed to be South African?
Me: Cockney, I think.
Nicol: He’s way over the top. The way he slapped his arm as he brought his gun up just then was ridiculous!

Tarrant cracks Avon over the head – which is bad enough – but when he does the same thing to Dayna, Sue goes ballistic. Even Nicol gasped. Actually, she may have been reading an interview with Alan Pardew on her mobile phone.

Sue: Michael Ball can fuck right off.

Avon and Dayna are carted off to a cell as the Liberator intercepts an emergency transmission from Vila. He’s lonely, cold, miserable, hurt and hungry.

Sue: He forgot to add pathetic. Cos he is.

Vila is stranded on the planet Chenga. Alone and afraid, he tries to convince the natives that he commands a huge army, but their leader, Lom, isn’t fooled for a second.

Sue: Ha! That was very clever. Hey, it’s really good, this. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

Vila has broken his arm, but Lom says he can fix it. Vila warns him that he isn’t very good when it comes to pain, on account of him having a very low threshold. In fact, it’s hardly a threshold at all.

Nicol: That sounds like you, Neil.
Sue: You use that line every time you visit the dentists. I knew Vila reminded me of somebody.
Me: But you hate Vila.
Sue: I know. Troubling, isn’t it?

Dayna apologises to Avon for not saving his arse earlier.

Sue: Avon should be the one apologising. He made a right pig’s ear of that escape attempt.

Avon flirts with Dayna as he picks the lock to their cell.

Sue: There’s definitely sexual chemistry between these two.
Me: Like that’s ever stopped you before.
Sue: They make a good team. Dayna should become a full-time member of the crew.

When Avon and Dayna escape from their cell, they discover a Federation trooper with a knife sticking out of his back. When Avon suggests that it would be a difficult way for someone to commit suicide, Sue and Nicol roar with laughter. And then Avon and Dayna take refuge in one of the Liberator’s access ducts.

Sue: It’s the ship’s darkroom. And I’m talking about photography here, not the other sort of darkroom. Although knowing this programme, it’s probably got one of those as well.
Nicol: What are you talking about, mother?
Sue: Ask your Uncle Gary.

Meanwhile, on another spaceship…

Nicol: Oh look, it’s the Yellow Submarine, if the Yellow Submarine was orange. It’s the Orange Submarine.

It’s a hospital ship, and Cally is one of its patients. The place is staffed by nurses in distinctive blue and green uniforms.

Sue: Maybe they were going to Chromakey the nurses in later.
Nicol: They remind me of the Umpa Lumpas.

The hospital ship lands on a planet to pick up another survivor of the recent intergalactic war.

Nicol: That was a terrible special effect.
Sue: Compared to what we usually have to put up with, Nicol, that looked like something out of Star Wars.

The survivor is none other than –

Sue: OH NO! Not again! How the hell did she get there? Of all the ships that could have picked her up, it had to be the one with Cally on it. Terry fucking Nation!
Nicol: But I thought -
Sue: Oh, it’s complicated, Nicol.

Servalan (for it is she) demands to see the ship’s captain.

Sue: She isn’t even poorly!

Meanwhile, Lom warns Vila about the hunters who roam Chenga’s forests.

Sue: It’s a shame that the actor who plays Vila can’t act.
Me: You must be joking!
Sue: I bet he never acted again after this.
Me: He’s the vicar in EastEnders!
Nicol: Oh yeah, so he is.
Sue: That isn’t even a part-time job. It’s a part-part-part-time job, at best.

(Please don’t listen to her, Michael. You are bloody brilliant and my wife is insane.)

Meanwhile, back in the Liberator’s access ducts…

Sue: I bet it stinks of fixer in there.

A Federation trooper named Harmon believes that he’s found Avon and Dayna’s hiding place.

Sue: He looked straight down the camera lens as he walked off the set, there. The acting from some of the bad guys is a bit dodgy this week.

Another Federation corpse is discovered in an access shaft.

Sue: Something weird is going on here. Why couldn’t Terry write episodes of Doctor Who as good as this? Did he have more time, or was he just paid more?

Sue is disappointed when’s she’s told that the bright lights shining in Chenga’s forest aren’t the Mysterons, after all.

Sue: These so-called hunters aren’t very stealthy, are they? They should try creeping up on people with their flashlights turned off. You can see them coming a mile away.

Vila follows Lom and his friend Mall (aka Geoff Capes) to safety, but the lovable thief soon loses his way.

Sue: Vila, you numpty bar!

Vila runs into two hi-techs, or if you happen to be Sue:

Sue: One half of ABBA.
Nicol: Why do their guns look like giant mice?
Sue: Oh dear, this is a bit silly.

Back on the hospital ship, Cally tries to contact Vila with the power of her mind.

Nicol: What was that all about?
Me: Cally’s telepathic. Well, sort of. She can send telepathic thoughts but she can’t receive them.

When the hi-techs set Vila’s broken arm, Cally feels his pain.

Nicol: Are you sure about that?
Sue: It depends on who’s writing the episode. I don’t think anybody knows for sure. She’s definitely good at yoga, though.

Servalan is determined to bring the Federation back under her control.

Sue: Send her back home to her spinning house. She shouldn’t be running around the galaxy like this. It’s demeaning.

Avon has a theory about the murderer who’s currently roaming the Liberator. And so does Sue:

Sue: Is it Travis?
Me: Travis is dead.
Sue: I don’t believe you. Is it Blake?
Me: Wait and see.
Nicol: Alan Pardew hasn’t got a clue!
Me: I thought you said you were going to watch this with us, Nicol.
Nicol: I don’t know who any of these people are. How do you expect me to follow it?
Sue: We don’t know who they are, either. And this is a really good episode. You’re missing out, Nic.

Avon is determined to find his missing crewmates.

Sue: I like the fact that Avon’s got something to do. Getting the old gang back together gives him a purpose in life. It’s a bit risky for them to let their leading man disappear for a couple of episodes, but I think I understand what the producer is trying to do.

At least the planet Chenga looks nice.

Sue: This location reminds me of High Force.
Me: It’s filmed in a gorge in Harrogate, just down the road from here. We could drive down there tomorrow and re-stage scenes from the episode if you like.
Sue: Let’s not.

Vila has definitely fallen for the hi-techs’ charms.

Sue: Vila is so gullible. He’d agree to anything if he was surrounded by beautiful women. And you’d be exactly the same, Neil. Actually, sometimes I think you are Vila.
Me: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Sue: Don’t.

When Harmon catches Avon sneaking around the Liberator, he screams at him to face the wall.

Nicol: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

Tarrant claims that he recognised Avon as soon as he clapped eyes on him. And then he surprises everyone by shooting Harmon in the back. That’s right: Tarrant is the murderer.

Sue: I knew it!
Me: No, you didn’t.

As we argue this point, the hi-techs escort Vila to Chenga’s nearest Walk-in Centre.

Sue: Just as Vila is about to get his end away, he’ll be teleported back to the ship. Just you wait and see.
Nicol: There’s something very sinister about this. It’s too good to be true.

Vila bids the hi-techs farewell.

Nicol: Has Vila pooed himself?

She’s pointing at a dark stain spreading across Vila’s rear end.

Me: Quite possibly.

The hi-techs smile knowingly at each other as Vila disappears from view.

Sue: Thank God he’s gone. He stank!
Nicol: They fixed his arm but they couldn’t do anything about his explosive diarrhoea.

Cally is also admitted to Chenga’s hospital.

Sue: This isn’t sinister at all. Vila and Cally have landed on their feet. I wasn’t expecting this.

Nicol tuts loudly. Is it Sue or Alan Pardew who provokes her ire? I’m not entirely sure. Anyway, Tarrant suddenly confesses everything to Avon.

Sue: Is Tarrant going to join the crew? Blake won’t like that. You won’t be able to tell them apart from the back.

Tarrant opens up to Avon about his rebellious past, but one of Klegg’s men is eavesdropping outside.

Nicol: So these metal doors are equipped with hi-tech locks, but they aren’t soundproofed? Right…

Klegg takes Dayna hostage, and if Avon doesn’t hand himself over in the next five minutes, she’ll die a horrible death.

Sue: That’s very generous of him. He should have given him five seconds to make his mind up. Now he’s got plenty of time to come up with a plan, you idiot.

Back on Chenga, Vila and Cally are still awaiting treatment.

Sue: Are they chilling out in an aviary? What is that noise?

Servalan uses the clinic’s visiting hour to spill the episode’s beans: it’s actually an organ bank.

Sue: They made a film about this, once.
Me: Yes, it was called Coma. It was released a year before they made this episode.
Sue: Naughty Terry.

Back on the Liberator, Avon is about to sell Tarrant out to the Federation.

Sue: Avon won’t do it. Never in a million years.

Thirty seconds later…

Sue: No way! Avon sold him out!

And ten seconds after that…

Sue: Oh, thank God for that. Avon had me worried there for a second.

Avon takes a back seat while Dayna breaks Klegg’s neck.

Sue: I’m not sure how I feel about that. She’s a strong, assertive character – and I love that – but that was a bit vicious. Still, that’s what they do in Blake’s 7. I guess I should be used to it by now.

The episode concludes on the Liberator’s flight deck.

Sue: Blake’s back! Oh, sorry, it’s just Tarrant from behind.

Tarrant and Dayna’s voiceprints are added to Zen’s databank.

Sue: Are they full-time members of the crew now?
Me: Looks like it.
Sue: It’s going to be awfully crowded on that ship when Blake and Jenna get back.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: I really enjoyed that. It was exciting, surprising, nicely directed, and the script was great, too. Well done, Terry. The scenes in the hospital were really creepy and grim, even if the idea wasn’t anything new, so it’s almost a 10/10 for me, but I’ll have to knock at least one mark off because Vila was in it quite a lot, and Servalan is getting on my tits. Why was she in that episode? I just don’t get it.

9/10

Nicol raised an eyebrow and sighed. Alan-bloody-Pardew, probably.

Blog tagline: Empty Chairs. (Sue assures me that Michael Ball has been known to sing this aptly-named song. Like I would know.)

Glen’s trailer: Glen visits Grange Hill and gets an earful.

NOTES: The day after we finished the blog, I took Sue to Stean Gorge in Harrogate, where they filmed large chunks of this episode. Sadly, the heavens opened as soon as we arrived, which meant we had to abandon our plans to re-enact scenes from the programme (I was going to be Lom). Still, it wasn’t a completely wasted journey (please see the next entry).

Withnail and I is one of Nicol’s favourite films (just behind The Breakfast Club).

Comment: If you’d just survived an apocalyptic space battle, you’d want to relax in a spa for a while too. - encyclops

C3: Volcano

Writer: Allan Prior
Director: Desmond McCarthy
Broadcast: 21 January 1980
Blogged: 8 May 2014

This episode begins with two crewmembers teleporting to the surface of an alien planet.

Sue: Is that Blake?

It’s Tarrant, actually.

Sue: He doesn’t half look like Blake. And why is he dressed as a pirate?
Me: We should probably call one of the farm cats Tarrant.
Sue: Absolutely not. People will think that we named the poor thing after Chris Tarrant. We can call one of the girls Dayna if you like. I can live with that.

The planet Obsidian is home to an active volcano.

Sue: The stock footage and this location don’t go together; they need a lot more yellow smoke if they’re going to sell this to me.
Me: We’ve actually visited this location. About fifteen years ago, I think. It’s near Ripon.
Sue: Have we? I don’t remember you mentioning Blake’s 7 at the time. Although it does explain why you were dressed as a pirate.

Deep inside a secret base, two men are monitoring Tarrant and Dayna’s progress. The older man is named Hower.

Sue: Ooh, he’s really famous. Don’t tell me…. He’s been in loads of films. He plays gay men quite a lot.
Me: It isn’t Ian McKellen.
Sue: Oh.
Me: It’s Michael Gough. He used to be Alfred in the Batman movies before Michael Caine took over. Remember?
Sue: Oh yes. He’s very good.
Me: You may also remember him as the Celestial Toymaker.
Sue: Oh for fuck’s sake, Neil. You’ve ruined it now.

A robotic waiter serves Hower a refreshing beverage.

Sue: You can’t move for idiots like him in Piccadilly Circus.

Meanwhile, Dayna and Tarrant are still searching for Dayna’s friends.

Sue: I thought they were supposed to be looking for Blake? Why are they looking for Dayna’s friends? Are they running a taxi service on the Liberator?

Vila can’t understand why Obsidian wasn’t dragged into the recent intergalactic war. Avon thinks he’s being neurotic.

Sue: He may as well have said, ‘Sit down, Vila, and let the grown-ups take over.’

While the crew debate the Federation’s motives for leaving the planet to its own devices, Sue issues me with a stark warning:

Sue: Just so you know, if Servalan turns up on this planet, the cushions are definitely coming out.

But there’s another reason for the crew’s interest in Obsidian: Blake has been sighted there.

Sue: What about Jenna? Why don’t they look for her? I thought she was supposed to be in a hospital… Oh no… You don’t think they stole her organs, do you?

Tarrant and Dayna are suddenly drenched in a mysterious liquid that’s been fired at them from a gun (which isn’t a water pistol, strangely). They both fall to the floor, unconscious.

Sue: Hang on a minute. Rewind that. Yes, I thought so. How the fuck did that man fire his gun into the wind like that? His hair is flying backwards! Rewind it again. No, back a bit. There. Look! The steam went straight into his face! Unbelievable!

Back on the Liberator, Avon wants Vila to recalibrate the ship’s weaponry systems.

Sue: That’s if you can bear to tear yourself away from Judo practice. And if Vila is a black belt, I’ll eat my hat.

Meanwhile, Hower examines Tarrant and Dayna’s unconscious bodies.

Sue: The face stroking is a bit creepy. If Tarrant wakes up with his trousers on back to front, he’ll know who’s to blame.

Hower introduces Tarrant and Dayna to his son, Bershar.

Sue: (as Hower) And the man in the silver suit is my other son, Robbie. He’s a huge disappointment to me.

Tarrant assures them that he doesn’t work for the Federation, and that his crew are survivors of a galactic war.

Sue: Survivors of a galactic panto, more like.

And then, just as Sue settles into a comfortable stupor:

Sue: Oh, for God’s sake.
Me: Please don’t hit me! It’s not my fault they wanted Servalan to take a more active role in the series.
Sue: I preferred it when she was scheming in a ball gown somewhere safe. I can’t believe she’s flying around the galaxy like an evil Captain Kirk. It’s silly.
Me: Yeah, that would be like Margaret Thatcher driving around in a tank. Actually, that’s a terrible example.

Avon teases Vila for fancying Dayna.

Sue: Dayna is so out of Vila’s league, it’s not even funny. Avon won’t feel threatened by him; Dayna will be a bit creeped out, though.

Tarrant wants to know if Blake has ever visited Obsidian.

Sue: I’ve got it! Blake is hiding in the robot costume!

Instead, Hower talks passionately about the importance of pacifism and neutrality.

Sue: So, they’re basically Switzerland. I’m sorry, Neil, but this is a bit dull. I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t really care.

Meanwhile, on Servalan’s spaceship…

Sue: At least she’s wearing something sensible this week. It isn’t very flattering, but at least it’s practical. I definitely prefer it when she’s sipping cocktails in a dress, though.

Servalan instructs a Federation officer named Mori to steal the Liberator. Mori wants to know why Obsidian wasn’t involved in the recent galactic war, especially as it’s located in a zone where some of its greatest battles took place.

Sue: We’ve only got his word for that. It didn’t look that great from where I was sitting. And who is this guy, anyway? He’s very twitchy. And he isn’t remotely threatening. He looks like an accountant. Travis wouldn’t give him the time of day.

Servalan joins Mori’s troops on the surface of Obsidian.

Sue: She’d better be wearing some white hiking boots… No, of course she isn’t. She’s wearing heels. On a windswept moor. Heels! She makes me laugh.

Two men - who keep vanishing for no readily apparent reason –arrive on the moor to talk with Servalan.

Sue: What the fuck?

Servalan orders their immediate execution. Mori expects the men to make a run for it, but they offer no resistance.

Sue: Why don’t the pacifists run away? I thought they’d be really good at that.

Tarrant, meanwhile, is trying to make a deal with Bershar.

Sue: Tarrant isn’t getting any less posh, but I still like him. Yes, he looks like he’s walked off an amateur production of The Pirates of Penzance, but he at least he’s dishy. The only problem I have with Tarrant is that he looks too much like Blake, especially from the back.
Me: You’d think they would have taken that into consideration when they cast the part.
Sue: I know. It’s almost as if they were trying to replace Blake, even though Blake is still in it.

I pause the DVD.

Me: Is he?
Sue: What do you mean?
Me: Haven’t you worked it out yet?
Sue: Yes, Blake is in the robot costume.
Me: No, Sue, he isn’t. Blake’s gone.

I feel as if I’m telling her that one of Jenna’s kittens has just died.

Sue: What do you mean - Blake’s gone? Gone where, exactly?
Me: I mean he isn’t coming back. The actor, Gareth Thomas, got fed up with it. He wanted to direct a couple of episodes, but the BBC told him to sling his hook.
Sue: That’s a bit mean. He couldn’t have done any worse than some of the directors we’ve had to put up with. Like this one, for example.
Me: Anyway, that’s it. He’s gone.
Sue: So we never see Blake again?
Me: No. Never.
Sue: Even though his name is in the title of the programme?
Me: I know. It’s weird, isn’t it? Just ask Taggart.
Sue: Then again, what can you do? You can’t change the title of the programme in the middle of a series.
Me: Let’s just say that you could. What would you have called the programme? Avon’s 7, perhaps?
Sue: Don’t be daft. I’d probably call it The Liberators. Or just Liberator. Something like that.
Me: While we’re on the subject, I’ve got something else to tell you.
Sue: Not Jenna as well?

I offer her a tissue, even though she doesn’t need one.

Sue: Did she want to direct an episode as well?
Me: No, she just wanted the writers to give her something to do.
Sue: You can’t really blame her. She was basically just a clothes horse towards the end. Oh well. I don’t know what else to say. I didn’t see that coming, but I can’t say I’ll miss them very much.

Servalan returns to her ship (‘I hope she brought a packed lunch with her’) so she can contact the Federation’s battle fleet commander.

Sue: It looks like they’ve dragged a tramp off the street and stuck him in a cupboard. Servalan’s henchmen have really let themselves go.

Oh, and Servalan’s spaceship reminds Sue of something else:

Sue: It looks like a dead, upside down crocodile.
Me: That’s exactly what they were aiming for.

Meanwhile, it’s all kicking off on Obsidian: Mori has captured Dayna and Tarrant, thanks to the treacherous Bershar, and then, because Vila is so highly strung, three Federation troopers are accidentally teleported to the Liberator.

Sue: Vila, you numpty! Quick! Flick the switch the other way before they know what’s happening! Oh, it’s too late…

With the Liberator under attack, Avon is forced to take evasive action.

Sue: Avon doesn’t need a crew. He can manage quite well on his own. Look at him standing there in his black leather, as cool as you like. I’ve changed my mind: call the show Avon.

Cally tries to warn Avon that they’ve been invaded. However, given Paul Darrow’s reaction, Sue can’t tell if she’s been successful or not.

Me: I’m a better telepath than Cally.
Sue: That’s news to me.
Me: I know what you are thinking right now: this is shit.
Sue: It’s… average.

With the Liberator damaged and Avon incapacitated, Mori helps himself to Orac.

Sue: Take him. He’s fucking useless.

Vila is left in command of the ship.

Sue: God help them all.

A little later, Vila and Avon assess the damage over a glass of crème de menthe.

Sue: Blake’s had worse days than this. Nobody died this time.

And then Sue finally remembers who Bershar reminds her of.

Sue: It’s Richard E. Grant. Not only does he look like him, he sounds like him as well.

She’s right. And this means we can’t take him seriously from now on.

Sue: I demand the best wines in the land! How does it go again, Neil?
Me: I came on holiday by accident!
Sue: Richard E Grant and Tarrant are trying to out-posh each other. They’ll challenge each other to a game of polo, next.

Hower has heard enough and he sentences his son to death.

Sue: So they’re pacifists but they still have the death penalty. How does that work, exactly?

Hower reveals the reason why everybody leaves them alone, besides the fact they are tedious beyond belief, of course: there’s a nuclear device buried deep in the heart of the planet.

Sue: I bet this episode ends with Alfred blowing it up. It’s so obvious. And where’s Cally? I’ve completely forgotten.
Me: Ah, yes. Cally. I have something else to tell you, Sue. You see, the actress who played Cally always wanted to direct and -
Sue: NO FUCKING WAY! They got rid of Cally as well? Doesn’t anybody care enough about this show to film a goodbye scene? For fuck’s sake.

The cushion-in-the-face which accompanies Cally’s reappearance a few minutes later was definitely worth it.

Sue: I really hate you, sometimes.
Me: Of course you do. We’re watching ‘Volcano’.

Cally uses her unique brand of shit telepathy to guide Tarrant and Dayna to the rim of the volcano.

Dayna: I can hear something. A voice. It says to go forward (pointing) there.
Tarrant: All right, that’s what we’ll do.
Sue: I can’t believe he didn’t check that Dayna hadn’t been drinking before he agreed to that.

When Dayna hurls a grenade at a Federation trooper, he’s sent tumbling into the hot lava below.

Sue: Nice try. Looked shit, though.

Hower presses a big red button and the planet’s nuke goes off.

Sue: That’s an impressive body count for a pacifist. I bet Servalan escaped, though. She’s bound to be on the next alien planet they just happen to visit.

The episode ends on a bit of a downer.

Cally: She lost, and we lost. Only the Pyroans won.
Vila: If that’s winning, I’ll take losing every time.
Sue: Fuck off, Vila.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue turned to me, shrugged her shoulders and made a funny noise:

Sue: Ewurgh.
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sue: It means, I don’t know what else to say. It was just… ewurgh.

4/10

Me: Bloody hell, that’s generous.
Sue: Nobody cares what you think, Neil. And it wasn’t that bad. I’ve seen a lot worse. And look on the bright side: Blake’s gone

Blog tagline: Burning Down the House.

Glen’s trailer: Buy the rim.

NOTES: ‘The Celestial Toymaker’ was the first (but not the last) Doctor Who story to receive a 0/10 score on the original Wife in Space blog. I wonder how long it will be before an episode of Blake’s 7 suffers the same fate.

Was I right to tell Sue that Blake wasn’t coming back anytime soon? Some of the blog’s readers thought I should have kept schtum, but they weren’t the ones who would have to listen to her asking me ‘Where’s Blake?’ every five minutes for the next two months.

Sue eventually caved in and we currently look after a semi-feral farm cat called Tarrant. Sue loves Tarrant. The cat, not the permed terrorist.

The day after we finished the blog, I took Sue back to Obsidian (just outside Ripon). As you can see, she was thrilled to bits:

Comment: Miasma bolts launched and running. – Dave Sanders

C4: Dawn of the Gods

Writer: James Follett
Director: Desmond McCarthy
Broadcast: 28 January 1980
Blogged: 13 May 2014

This episode begins with a quick game of Space Monopoly.

Sue: They’ve definitely given up on Blake and Jenna if they’ve got enough time to play games like this. On the one hand, I’m happy that they’re chilling out together, but on the other hand, haven’t they got anything better to do? Like saving the universe, or something like that?

But it isn’t all bad news: Avon is wearing a tight pair of red leather trousers this week.

Sue: I was playing tennis with my doubles-partner, Helen, today. And when I told her that I had to watch Blake’s 7 tonight, she screamed ‘AVON!’ at me. I told her to keep her hands off him. He’s mine.

But the Liberator isn’t heading where it should be heading.

Sue: The set is knackered. It’s falling to bits. If Avon leans on that console, the whole thing will probably give way. It’s a bit sad, really.

Tarrant asks Vila, Cally and Dayna to check the ship’s systems.

Sue: Who put posh boy in charge? Avon is in charge. Everybody knows that.

Tarrant believes that the Liberator is in the grip of a tractor beam, but Avon isn’t convinced and the bickering commences.

Sue: It’s as if Blake never left. What a dick.

Tarrant believes that Cally’s people, the Aurons, are responsible for their sudden change in direction. Cally maintains that her people’s powers are extremely limited.

Sue: You said it, love.

At least the director, Desmond McCarthy, is doing is best.

Sue: Ooh, that was a very nice focus pull, and not just because we’re now focusing on Avon. That would have been a difficult shot to pull off in that studio. I’m impressed.

According to the sensors, the ship is entering a sling shot orbit.

Sue: Their sensors are playing the theme from Psycho. Turn it off! Argh!

Tarrant doesn’t understand – there’s nothing out there. And then Vila works it out: it’s a black hole.

Sue: Yeah, it isn’t rocket science. Actually, it probably is, but you know what I mean.

But if the black hole doesn’t surprise Sue, something else does.

Sue: Bloody hell, Vila was quite good in that scene. He didn’t crack a pathetic joke, and he looked genuinely upset. There’s hope for him yet.

While the crew are left to stare death in the face, Sue is distracted by something else.

Sue: Why is the top right-hand corner of the screen flashing like that?
Me: That’s Zen.
Sue: Oh. I thought an ad break was coming up.

And why is the Liberator about to fall into a black hole? Yes, you guessed it: Orac.

Sue: I don’t believe it! Look, if Orac is that interested in black holes, open a window and throw him into one. No one will miss him. He’s useless!

The Liberator is attacked by a large sheet of Mirrorlon.

Sue: What the hell is Avon doing? Is he trying to hide under a blanket?

No, he’s trying to put a spacesuit on so he can do a runner.

Sue: Where is he going to go? He hasn’t thought it through.

And then a giant eye fills the television screen.

Sue: And that must be Servalan’s eye. I was wondering how long it would take her to turn up.

The ship has taken one hell of a beating, and most of its power has been drained.

Sue: They should light the ship like this all the time. It hides the chipped paintwork.

Tarrant isn’t impressed with Avon’s talent for self-preservation.

Sue: I’ve gone right off Michael Ball. He’s just Blake with a tighter perm.

Orac has taken over the ship because he wants to observe the black hole firsthand.

Sue: This has been on the cards for a while now. Orac will be the death of them.

Cally was knocked unconscious during the brouhaha, so the crew take her to a resuscitation chamber, at which point a voice calls to her telepathically. (Hey, I’ve just noticed that Cally’s name is in the word ‘telepathically’. Terry Nation, you card!)

Thaarn: I am the Thaarn.
Sue: What is it with this show and thongs?
Me: Not thong – Thaarn. You’ve got thongs on the brain.
Sue: I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on in this episode, that’s for sure.

Back on the flight deck, Sue is distracted by something else.

Sue: I’m sure Dayna just fell down the stairs, then. She looked at the camera as if to say, ‘Are we OK or are we going for another take? I think I’ve broken my ankle.’

Two more distractions made it practically impossible for Sue to concentrate on whatever it is the crew are now waffling on about, namely the interminable ‘clacking’ sound in the background, and Vila’s decision to join the Hare Krishnas.

Put simply: the Liberator exists outside normal space, and one of the crew will have to step outside to inspect the damage.

Vila: Oh no. Not me. Not a spacesuit. Nothing, absolutely nothing in the whole galaxy can or will persuade me to wear one. Not a chance.

Cut to Vila in a spacesuit.

Cue Sue’s impression of a trombone.

Sue: Give me strength.

When Vila leaves the ship, he finds himself on solid ground.

Vila: It’s hard and even, like it’s artificial.
Sue: Like it’s a studio floor painted black.

Thaarn’s voice calls to Cally again.

Sue: This has to be the weirdest obscene phone call ever. Maybe if he cut back on the heaving breathing a bit, it wouldn’t be so creepy.

Vila explores the outside world.

Sue: This reminds me of Alien. Even the spacesuit is similar. It’s quite eerie, this.

Like a facehugger launching itself from an egg, Sue’s next statement takes me completely by surprise:

Sue: Vila is actually quite good in this.

At which point, Vila is blinded by some lights, and for a moment it looks as if it could be the death of him. Tarrant offers to retrive the thief’s corpse so they can give him a decent burial.

Sue: They don’t seem that bothered. Still, it was Vila.

Well, that didn’t last long.

However, before they can organise a wake, a clawed machine begins to turn the Liberator into scrap metal.

Sue: So it’s basically WALL-E?

Avon, Tarrant, Cally and Vila decide to investigate further.

Sue: This story is a bit rubbish so far, but at least the director is making an effort, especially when you consider what he’s been given to work with.

Desmond McCarthy has been given a bumper car to work with.

Sue: OK, this is officially a bit mental now. And shit. Really, really shit. Have they run out of money already? We’re only four episodes into the season. Oh dear, this is dreadful.

Just when we think things can’t get any weirder, the Caliph of Krandor turns up.

Sue: Why is Willy Wonka in this?

The Caliph apologises for the dodgem car. Well, somebody has to.

Caliph: We usually use this for rounding up runaway slaves. Oh, quite inappropriate in this instance, but it was the nearest at the time. I do hope you understand.
Sue: (as the Caliph) And when we aren’t using them for rounding up slaves, we use them as ghost trains.

The Caliph wants to know where Orac is. Dayna tells him that there’s never been anyone called Orac on their ship.

Sue: And that’s why you can’t count Orac as one of the seven, although that’s the least of the title’s problems right now. I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it.

Our heroes are locked in a cell, and Cally passes the time telling a shaggy dog story.

Cally: The story goes back to the mists of Time, to the Dawn of the Gods… blah… blah… million years… blah… blah… rage…blah…blah… chariot… blah… blah… terrible vengeance.
Sue: I bet it took her days to learn those lines. And I bet nobody could be bothered to follow it.

And then Krandor’s senior technician, Groff, arrives.

Sue: EH?

Groff looks like he’s been supervising a card game in a Wild West saloon.

Sue: Did wardrobe deliver the wrong costume by mistake?

The Caliph still wants to know where Orac is hiding, and he thinks Tarrant has the answer.

Caliph: How tall is he? (Tarrant raises his hand a couple of feet from the floor) A dwarf?
Tarrant: We never think of him as one.
Caliph: What is the color of his hair?
Tarrant: He hasn’t got any. A bald dwarf shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Sue: That’s my favourite line in Blake’s 7 so far. Genius.

Avon and Tarrant are given some homework to do. Tarrant is amazed to see a graphite writing stick outside a museum.

Sue: I’ve been to a pencil museum. It’s in Keswick. Fascinating place.

Sue’s mind is definitely beginning to wander. But then something takes her breath away.

Sue: NO! You can’t do that!

The Liberator’s flight deck is being turned into scrap.

Me: You said the ship had seen better days. Maybe it’s for the best.
Sue: Are you mad?

Thankfully, Zen generates a defence mechanism that halts the salvage crew in their tracks.

Sue: Why have we never seen anything like that before? That could have been really useful in the past.

Cally, meanwhile, is splayed out on a fur rug.

Sue: Now that’s what I call a cell.

The Thaarn reveals his plan: he will control the galaxy with a machine that creates gravity.

Sue: My favourite song is about gravity.
Me: (trying to sound interested because I know what’s coming) Is it really?
Sue: Yes. I think you should make all our readers listen to it. I have to watch Blake’s 7 twice a week, so the least they could do is listen to my favourite song. He should sing it to Cally if he wants to get into her pants.
Me: I’ll try to remember that.

The Thaarn wants Cally to rule the universe with him.

Sue: If I was Cally, I’d be asking him three questions right now: 1) What do I have to do? 2) What are the hours like? and 3) Can I have a look at your face, please?

Cally manages to trick the Thaarn into turning off the cell’s energy isolators, and all hell breaks loose in the gravity generator room. Groff tells Tarrant to leave without him, and to tell his family that they were in his thoughts at the end.

Sue: Just leave with them, you fool! Why are you staying? YOU DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Avon decides to leave Cally behind.

Sue: She just saved your life! The way this lot are carrying on, I’m surprised there aren’t five new crewmembers every couple of weeks. They go through crewmembers like they go through bracelets.

Cally finally gets to see what the Thaarn really looks like.

Sue: So the bald dwarf was hiding in that room all the time!

When our heroes rush back to the Liberator, Vila is caught in the headlights of an oncoming bumper car.

Me: Scream if you want to go faster!

Then, with everybody safely back on the ship, the Liberator re-enters normal space. Sue tuts loudly when Zen detects a small spaceship escaping behind them.

Sue: If that bald dwarf turns out to be the next Travis, there’ll be trouble. I don’t know how many jokes about Ian Hislop I can make.

Tarrant switches Orac off.

Sue: Now throw his dongle away and stick him on eBay.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: That was dreadful. I’ll give it one mark because Servalan wasn’t in it, and another mark for the direction, which wasn’t that bad, considering. The rest of the episode was a mess.

2/10

Blog tagline: Do Not Pass God.

Glen’s trailer: Jackanory.

NOTES: Sue’s favourite song is ‘Gravity’ by John Mayer. Let’s just say that one of the best things about turning this blog into an ebook is that I can’t subject you to it.

Comment: I stayed at Keswick and almost went to the Pencil Museum. They boasted that they had the world’s ‘second largest’ pencil. - Frankymole

C5: The Harvest of Kairos

Writer: Ben Steed
Director: Gerald Blake
Broadcast: 4 February 1980
Blogged: 22 May 2014

Vila and Avon are visiting an alien planet when Tarrant detects two Federation ships heading their way. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out who sent them.

Sue: Oh no, not again. And it was going so well.
Me: We’re less than a minute into this.
Sue: I know.

President Servalan is micromanaging the Federation’s latest attack on the Liberator from the comfort of her own home.

Sue: She’s redecorated her spinning house. It’s a bit grim but at least it shows off her Fairy Godmother outfit.

Servalan can’t wait to defeat Tarrant.

Sue: She never used to be this hammy. I can’t take her seriously any more. She’s a pantomime villain. I remember when Blake’s 7 used to be gritty and interesting.

Avon and Vila teleport back the Liberator.

Sue: That was a long way to go for a tab.

However, she isn’t very keen on Avon’s extramural activity.

Sue: Is this what Avon has been reduced to now – collecting rocks? I remember the good old days when they were looking for Star One and their lives had some kind of meaning. What is the point of them any more?

People are beginning to think that Servalan looks tired, and one man in particular is taking the piss out of her below decks. When Sue eventually meets Jarvik, he reminds her of a young Timothy Dalton.

Jarvik: Woman, you are beautiful.
Sue: He thinks he’s Tarzan. Oh my God. No way!

Yes way.

Sue: Did that just happen? Did he just snog her face off? Is she dreaming this? Am I dreaming this?

And she ain’t seen nothing yet.

Sue: What the fuck is Servalan doing? Surely the guards should be standing in front of her, not the other way round. This is ridiculous. Who directed this rubbish?
Me: Gerald Blake.
Sue: That’s all we fucking need: another useless Blake! I mean, look at her! WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Servalan and Jarvik discuss Tarrant’s battle tactics.

Sue: Hang on a minute. This doesn’t make any sense. They’re talking about Tarrant like he’s a big deal or something. When did that happen? It’s as if they wrote this for Blake, and they did a quick ‘find-and-replace’ on the script at the last-minute.
Me: As if!

Tarrant wants the crew to dabble in a bit of piracy.

Sue: So is this what they do now? They fly around the universe stealing rocks? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they’re flapping about now that Blake has gone. At least Blake had a vague plan. This lot don’t have any plans at all.

Just like Hank on Breaking Bad, Avon is completely obsessed with his rocks.

Sue: I quite like the fact that Avon is having his own adventure, and he can’t be arsed with Tarrant. It’s just a shame that Tarrant is the one having the interesting adventure.

Servalan discovers that Jarvik used to be a Space Captain, but when she searches the Federation’s computer records, she’s stunned by what she finds.

Sue: Er… was that supposed to mean something? Her screen went a bit wobbly and that was it. Am I missing something?

Servalan decides to employ Jarvik as her right-hand man.

Servalan: But first, there is the question of that degrading and primitive act to which I was subjected in the control room.
Sue: (as Servalan) I liked it.
Servalan: I should like you to do it again.
Sue: Oh. My. God. I was only joking!

The last time Sue’s jaw was this slack, Ingrid Pitt was karate kicking a sea monster in the face.

Sue: What the hell am I watching? Because this isn’t Blake’s 7!

Servalan orders the deaths of some slave workers on the planet Kairos, mainly because the Federation have exceeded their baggage allowance limit.

Sue: What a bitch. I thought a quick shag would have improved her mood.

When this news filters down to Kairos, somebody falls off a fence.

Sue: STUART!

A particularly nasty guard is left there to die, too.

Sue: Ha! Serves you right, you Nazi cunt. I enjoyed that.

Jarvik prepares to coordinate his attack on the Liberator.

Sue: This is vaguely exciting, I suppose.

When Servalan sticks her oar in, Jarvik tells her to shut up.

Sue: Charming. I can’t believe that Servalan is putting up with this nonsense. It doesn’t feel right.

Even though they are under attack from the Federation, Avon still wants Cally to stare at his rocks.

Sue: What’s got into Avon this week?

Avon expects Tarrant to command the Liberator while he is otherwise engaged.

Sue: Is that it, then? Has he given up the battle to be in charge? I’m not happy about that. Avon should be the one in charge. That’s silly.

The Liberator manages to evade the Federation’s pursuit ships.

Sue: I didn’t know that the ship could roll like that. Why has it never done that before?
Me: Tarrant’s a better pilot than Jenna because Tarrant is a MAN!
Sue: Don’t you start.

But Jarvik isn’t finished yet.

Jarvik: Gently now, Killer Three. Ease your way in.

I can’t stop giggling.

Sue: I bet he’s exactly the same in the bedroom.

Tarrant’s victory sends Servalan into an apoplectic rage. Jarvik’s solution to this is to forcibly restrain her on a cream leather couch (no Battle HQ is complete without one).

Sue: This episode is beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. Why are you laughing, Neil?

Tarrant’s gang are ambushed by security guards as they attempt to steal the Federation’s precious cargo of Kairopan.

Guard: Stay exactly where you are, and don’t get excited!
Sue: Not much chance of that, mate.

Luckily for everyone concerned, Avon pops his head into the A-plot and saves the day.

Sue: The director hasn’t got a clue. I’m actually beginning to feel embarrassed for the actors.

But Jarvik has the last laugh: more guards are hiding in the Kairopan containers, which are now safely secured in the Liberator’s hold.

Sue: Idiots.

Servalan teleports to the Liberator to claim her prize.

Sue: Servalan does have one redeeming feature.
Me: What’s that?
Sue: She’s one of the few people in Blake’s 7 who can pronounce Avon’s name correctly. I’m sick and tired of people calling him ‘Avin’ all the time.

Servalan dumps our heroes on the planet Kairos.

Sue: I bet they eat Vila first.

Later, back at Space Command, Jarvik lures Servalan back into bed with his chest hair.

Me: Here’s some eye-candy for you, love.
Sue: He should be wearing a gold medallion in the shape of the Federation logo.
Servalan: You really are a primitive, aren’t you? Come.
Sue: Stop laughing, Neil.

Later, as Servalan and Jarvik enjoy a nice post-coital glass of Lenor, Jarvik casually admits that he doesn’t like Mutoids very much, and he certainly wouldn’t want to live next door to any of them.

Sue: Racist and sexist. Such an attractive combination. Give your head a shake, Servalan.

Servalan wants Jarvik to prove his masculinity to her.

Sue: The person who wrote this episode has some serious problems with women.

Avon, meanwhile, has discovered a 1960s NASA lunar module sitting in an abandoned aircraft hangar on Kairos.

Sue: What the hell? Who left that there? Is this episode going all timey-wimey? EH?

Jarvik teleports to Kairos to a) retrieve the crew’s teleport bracelets, because Lesley Judd was probably killed in the war, and b) to show off to Servalan.

Sue: Did he raid Blake’s wardrobe before he left? He looks like a right dick.

Jarvik narrowly avoids the attention of a giant ant.

Sue: Oh dear. And do you know what the worst thing about that is?
Me: That it looks like a giant hoover bag?
Sue: No. It’s that it probably cost a small fortune to make. I bet most of the budget went on that… that… thing. What a joke.

Cut to Vila snoring his head off in the lunar module.

Sue: This is the first time I’ve ever been jealous of Vila.

Cut to Vila standing in a field.

Sue: What the fuck?
Me: Eat your heart out, Eisenstein.

Avon, meanwhile, is still admiring his rock.

Avon: This happens to be the most sophisticated life form that it has ever been my good fortune to come across. Present company not excepted.
Sue: And not only that - you can scrub your back with it in the bath.

Dayna cries out in terror. She’s tangled up in a deadly web - helpless against a monstrous insect that’s advancing inexorably towards her. At least that’s what it said in the script.

Dayna: Do something!
Sue: Yeah, stop laughing at her. This is serious. Look, pet, just kick off your boot off and walk away. Honestly, the direction is a joke. And why is this thing rubbing its arse on the floor like that? That’s what Buffy used to do when she had worms.

Jarvik tells Dayna to feed the Kairopan she’s carrying to the giant ant.

Sue: I wish I had some Kairopan. This is giving me a headache.

Avon decides to keep his distance.

Sue: I bet Paul Darrow refused to be filmed anywhere near that thing. Oh look, there’s a static caravan in that field over there. Somebody’s doing a self-build on Kairos.

Seemingly satisfied, the ant shuffles back the way it came.

Sue: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Don’t show it again!

Now that the field is free of giant ants, Jarvik and Tarrant can finally get down to business and fight to the death.

Sue: Why is the crew standing there watching this? Do they really hate Tarrant that much? It’s four against one! Five if you count Vila. Just walk over there and PUNCH THE BAD GUY IN THE FACE!

Tarrant and Jarvik wrestle on the floor. It’s enough to make Ken Russell blush.

Sue: Why is the director shooting this as a love scene? GET A ROOM!

Tarrant is eventually overpowered by Jarvik’s innate MALENESS.

Sue: To be fair, I could probably take Tarrant.

Dayna decides to have a go next, while Avon races off to the lunar module, where he finally loses his patience with Tarrant.

Sue: Paul Darrow wasn’t acting then.

And now it’s Dayna’s turn to tussle with Jarvik on the floor.

Sue: That’s right, Cally, just stand back and watch. Don’t help your friend or anything silly like that. Unbelievable!

At which point, the giant ant returns for seconds.

Sue: Just kick it in the face.

Jarvik teleports to the Liberator with Dayna. Tarrant launches the lunar module, just in time to escape a deadly hail of plasma bolts. It doesn’t look good for our heroes but Avon has an ace up his sleeve. Yes, you guessed it: his rock.

Avon: Sopron is a mirror. A distorting mirror. It reflects a slightly greater image of whatever it is that happens to be scanning it. Zen saw a capacity charged brain, because that is what Zen is. Orac saw a highly sophisticated computer, because that is what Orac is.
Sue: And the director is making this look like crap, because that’s what he is.
Avon: The question is, what will Servalan see, and will she be fooled by it?
Sue: Given that everybody in this episode has been fooled by the bad special effects so far, I’m going to say ‘yes’.

Their bluff works, but Servalan is determined to have the last laugh and she orders Dayna’s execution. However, when Jarvik intervenes, the guard accidentally shoots him dead instead. Well, I say accidentally; it’s staged so badly, it looks like he did it on purpose.

Sue: WHAT THE -? Rewind that. Oh my God. What was the director thinking? That settles it. This is the worst directed episode of Blake’s 7 – or Doctor Who – that I’ve ever seen. It’s dreadful. How was this ever broadcast? Were people still watching Blake’s 7 at this point?
Me: Approximately 9 million people every week. Prime time BBC-1.
Sue: Unbelievable. And no one complained?
Me: Terry Wogan did. Regularly.
Sue: I’m not surprised. This is shocking. Why are you laughing, Neil?

Servalan is forced to evacuate the Liberator.

Sue: So is the inanimate lump of rock a regular member of the crew, now? They should call it Gan.

Avon is pleased to see the back of Jarvik, but Tarrant still mourns for Adonis.

Tarrant: He was a special sort of man.

Sue hurls a cushion at the television screen, instead of me, which is nice.

Tarrant: Get us out of here. I’ve had enough of this place.
Sue: And I’ve had enough of this fucking episode! Make it stop!

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: Irredeemable sexist crap.

0/10

Me: Wow.
Sue: It was badly directed, offensive, stupid and badly directed. And what made it even worse is that the sexist pig was shown to be in the right - ALL THE TIME. I kept waiting for a woman to kill him. I thought there would be a progressive message at the end about the battle of the sexes - something that might excuse it. But no. I bet the writer has a tiny cock.
Me: Would you like me to subject you to it again?
Sue: Only if you let me slice off one of your testicles first.
Me: Woman, kiss me!
Sue: Fuck off, Neil.

Blog tagline: Rock Bottom.

Glen’s trailer: ‘I’ve just hit Servalan over the head with a rubber dildo…’

NOTES: A few Blake’s 7 fans embarked on a ‘protest re-watch’ of this episode so they could pour scorn on Sue’s score. Or as I like to call it: sadomasochism.

COMMENT: As much as zero? - Jonathan Baldwin

C6: City at the Edge of the World

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 11 February 1980
Blogged: 27 May 2014

Tarrant is threatening to throw Vila off the ship.

Sue: Why is Michael Ball in charge? Did we miss a meeting?

Tarrant puts the fear of God into his so-called colleague.

Sue: What the hell is going on? Has Tarrant been taken over by aliens? Poor Vila.

I pause the DVD. Did I imagine that or did Sue just say ‘poor Vila’?

Sue: I don’t like the way Tarrant struts around the ship like he owns the place. He shouldn’t talk to Vila like that. That’s Avon’s job.
Me: So it’s OK if Vila is bullied, just so long as Avon is the one who’s doing the bullying?
Sue: It’s funny when Avon does it; he’s earned it. It’s horrible when Tarrant does it.

It seems that Vila has been exchanged for some crystals.

Sue: So the locals want to borrow him?
Me: Yes, Tarrant has done a deal with them for Vila’s services.
Sue: So they’re time-sharing Vila?

(Sue came up with that joke two hours after she watched the episode, but what the hell.)

Two men, who clearly haven’t paid their Equity dues, escort Vila towards a very strange city.

Sue: The Steve Hillage Band will do anything to round up an audience these days.

When Cally teleports to the planet to pick up the crystals, she narrowly avoids a booby trap.

Sue: Tarrant has set them up. He wants to take over the ship and he’s trying to be sneaky about it. I’ve gone right off Tarrant.

Even Avon can’t escape Sue’s wrath.

Sue: He desperately needs a haircut. It looks like he’s wearing a wig.

The locals told Tarrant about a place with an unpronounceable name. Apparently, it means ‘the City at the Edge of the World’.

Me: Not to be confused with the City at the Edge of Forever.
Sue: Or The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
Me: How do you know about that?
Sue: Are you serious, Neil? I’ve lived with you for twenty-one years.

Vila is deposited in an underground bunker.

Sue: This is a very nice corridor. That effect was done with mirrors, you know.
Me: If they ever re-release these episodes on DVD, you should definitely write the production notes, Sue.

Vila curses Tarrant for getting him into this mess.

Vila: I’ll get you for this, Tarrant. I’ll tear your arm off and beat you to death with the wet end.
Sue: (laughing) Come on, Vila!
Me: Finally. It’s only taken you thirty-one episodes.

Vila encounters a beautiful mercenary named Kerril.

Kerril: Pick up your box and let’s go, little man.
Vila: You should try taking a bath sometime, you smell terrible.
Sue: Vila has all the best lines this week. It’s pretty good, this.

Good? Good? GOOD!?

Sue: IT’S COLIN!

It bloody is, you know.

Sue: It’s Colin Baker from Doctor Who!

That’s right. Not ‘Whatshisface from that thing we used to watch’, or ‘He’s famous’, or ‘Thingamy from whatyoumacallit’. It’s Colin Baker from Doctor-sodding-Who!

Bayban: You must be Vila. It’s an honour, sir.
Vila: The honour’s mine.
Bayban: That’s what I meant.
Sue: The script is brilliant this week. Absolutely brilliant.

I didn’t make any notes for the next five minutes. We just laughed, and enjoyed ourselves, and completely forgot about what we were supposed to be doing. Sorry about that.

Sue: Colin is so much better as the bad guy. You can’t take your eyes off him. He shouldn’t have been cast as Doctor Who - he should have been cast as the Master.

Back on the Liberator, Avon is becoming increasingly annoyed with Tarrant.

Sue: At least I could empathise with Blake. At least Blake had a heart. Tarrant is just a posh twat with a perm.

Cally and Avon teleport to the planet to search for Vila.

Sue: These two are definitely shagging.
Me: I thought you’d stopped shipping, Sue. Especially after that little talk we had.
Sue: Oh, come on, Neil! It’s right there on the screen. Just look at them. I wonder if Dayna knows…

Vila explains to Kerril how he intends to open the planet’s vault.

Sue: Vila is saying words that aren’t just punchlines this week. I never thought I’d see the day. He is a real person, after all.
Me: Are you having second thoughts about Vila?
Sue: Only because the scriptwriter has.

Kerril may stink to high heaven, but Sue adores her outfit.

Sue: She’s got this Suzi Quatro look going on. I keep expecting her to start singing ‘Devil Gate Drive’.

Cally and Avon decide to investigate the locals.

Sue: You can’t beat a bit of mediaeval sci-fi, can you? For fuck’s sake!

And then Stuart Fell falls over and everything’s OK again.

Sue: The bad guys remind me of the Sontarans. They’re just as thick.

The planet’s elder, Norl, doesn’t seem to be bothered that Vila has been employed to break into his vault.

Sue: He has a lovely voice.
Me: Don’t you recognise him?
Sue: Not really.
Me: I’ll give you a clue: (in my best Valentine Dyall voice) Turlough!
Sue: He doesn’t look anything like Nyssa.
Me: Turlough, you must kill the Doctor! Or I will peck your eyes out with my hat!

In the end, I have to pause the DVD and show her a picture.

Sue: Oh yeah. Blimey, I never would have guessed. He looks nothing like him. There’s nowt on him!
Me: I can’t believe you’ve lived with me for twenty-one years and you didn’t recognise the voice of Deep Thought. I’m very disappointed.
Sue: And yet I can still remember that time I caught you watching Deep Throat. Funny, that.

Kerril changes into something a little more comfortable, and, we hope, a little less stinky.

Sue: Ha! That comedy sound effect was hilarious. Either Vila’s probe is on the blink or he’s extremely pleased to see her.
Me: Carol Hawkins was probably used to that. She’d been in a couple of Carry On… films. And Bless This House: The Movie.
Sue: She’s very funny. And you’d have to have a sense of humour to flirt with Vila.

Vila can’t take his eyes off Kerril. It should be creepy but it isn’t. Actually, maybe it is a bit.

Sue: Vila’s eyes are out on stalks. Although she looked sexier in the tight leather, but what do I know?

Right on cue, the force field that protects the vault collapses.

Vila: For a little man I’m a wonderful mover, wouldn’t you say?
Sue: Just like Ernie Wise.

Meanwhile, on the planet’s surface, Avon and Cally have managed to round up some of Bayban’s mercenaries.

Avon: We’ve lost a friend of ours. We think you can tell us where to find him.
Cally: That’s what we think.
Avon: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Sue: Oh, Avon, I fucking love you.

Bayban’s right-hand man, Sherm, reminds Sue of somebody else.

Sue: It’s Billy Mitchell gone wrong. I wish he had a helmet. The Sontarans were never this ugly.

Vila and Kerril explore the planet’s vault. What doesn’t surprise Sue is Vila’s decision to abandon Kerril to the dangers the vault’s designer has left for them. What does surprise her is that he decides to go back for her when she screams the place down.

Sue: That is totally out of character for Vila. Thank God.

Kerril and Vila are transported to a room equipped with an exposition machine and two skeletons. Sue listens patiently as Valentine Dyall’s voice explains the plot to her.

Sue: It’s a very convoluted way of going about things. Why have they made it so difficult for themselves? Why doesn’t the ship just send a message when it arrives? Why do they have to randomly kill people? And if the ship landed the day after they died, they would have to wait thousands of years before they could try it again! It’s crazy.

Vila believes that they will suffocate to death because the ship hasn’t reached its final destination yet. Kerril thinks they should go out with a bang.

Sue: Now she’ll know for sure whether Vila is a ‘little man’ or not.

Meanwhile, Tarrant and Dayna have infiltrated the city.

Sue: Tarrant thinks he’s James Bond. He isn’t. He couldn’t be less like James Bond if he tried. He’s the guy who dies in the pre-titles sequence and doesn’t even have a name. Have I told you that I don’t like Tarrant any more?

Dayna uses a drone to take out Bayban’s men.

Sue: That’s how the Cybermats should have behaved. I like Dayna. She doesn’t piss about.

Sadly, you can’t say the same about Bayban and his humongous gun.

Sue: Well, you know what they say…

Bayban’s gun is so massive, he can’t move it by himself.

Sue: Here’s some advice for you: try pointing it at the door when you’re assembling it, next time.

Vila and Kerril, meanwhile, are still in the land of the living.

Sue: Did she leave her boots on? Kinky.
Me: I don’t know about you but those skeletons would have put me off my stride.

Vila and Kerril have landed on an alien planet.

Sue: Oh look, somebody has left a beach ball for them to play with.

Sue isn’t very impressed with Vilaworld.

Sue: Just think how brilliant it would have been if that door had opened out onto the South of France. Or a sunny beach. Or a field somewhere. It looks like someone has decided to stage an episode of Play School in a garden centre.

Avon and Cally end up fighting Bayban and his men.

Sue: The fight scenes always let Blake’s 7 down. They’re never realistic. I dread the fight scenes, I really do.

Bayban is overpowered, and Avon threatens to put him out of his misery.

Bayban: Go ahead. You’d be famous. The man who killed Bayban.
Cally: I’d quite like to be famous, too. How about the woman that killed Bayban?
Dayna: Or better still, the girl who killed Bayban.
Sue: Or worst of all, the posh twat who killed Bayban.

Vila wants to leave Vilaworld behind.

Sue: Vila, you idiot. You’re supposed to be Adam and Eve, now. You’re practically married to her.

Vila tries to get his end away one last time before they leave.

Sue: I know I should hate this episode, but I can’t.

Vila, reeking of sex, is welcomed back with open arms. Well, sort of.

Avon: Every silver lining has a cloud.

Sue laughed so hard at that, she actually spilt her tea.

Sue: That’s the funniest line in Blake’s 7 so far. That was brilliant.

Norl is pleased, too, because his people have finally been summoned to enter the city.

Sue: All six of them. This has been a lot of trouble just to open an airport for six people. And surely they are just moving from one shit hole to another. I don’t see what they’re getting out of this. Wait until they see where they’ll be washing their clothes tonight.

Norl commends Vila for his bravery.

Sue: Aww, that was sweet. Good old Vila.
Me: You’ve changed your tune.
Sue: He was a real person for a change. I’ve warmed to him. And it makes me hate Tarrant that little bit more. They should take Tarrant’s bracelet off him and leave him here.

Kerril decides to follow Norl into the city.

Sue: No! You should join the crew. You would be great. You could even call it Vila’s 7, if that’s what turns you on.

Vila has a very big decision to make.

Sue: Let’s put it this way: Vila will never get a better offer than this. However, it doesn’t really make any sense for them to leave for that planet. She’s gone from a hardened warrior to a helpless sex-starved princess awfully quickly. It’s a bit dodgy when you stop to think about it, so I won’t.

Vila tells Kerril that he likes her more than anyone he’s ever known. Kerril ups the ante by telling Vila that she loves him.

Sue: Vila must be amazing in bed. That’s all I’m saying.

At which point, Bayban interrupts the party. Kerril escapes by rushing into the vault and Vila teleports back to the Liberator just as Bayban turns his massive gun towards the force field. A deranged Bayban blows himself - and the city - to smithereens.

Sue: Nice impression of an angry turtle at the end there, Colin.

Vila may have lost the girl, but at least he got the crystals. Even Avon is impressed.

Sue: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but so am I.

Vila is worried that he may have made the biggest error of his life. Orac predicts that Vila is destined to make far greater mistakes, given his prestigious talent for them.

Vila: Shut up, Orac. Still, it’s a comforting thought. Let’s hope they’ve all got good legs.

I had planned to cough over Vila’s final line, but I needn’t have worried. Sue laughed her head off.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: I loved that.

9/10

Sue: The plot was a bit bonkers but I loved the dialogue. And I’ve changed my mind about Vila. He was brilliant in that.
Me: Isn’t it time you gave an episode 10 out of 10?

Have I mentioned that ‘City at the Edge of the World’ is my favourite episode of Blake’s 7?

Sue: The fight scenes let it down a bit, and Avon was a supporting character, so it wasn’t perfect. It was pretty close, though. Why? Is that as good as it gets?

Blog tagline: Are we there yet? (In other words: ‘Does she like Vila yet?’)

Glen’s trailer: I Got You Bayban.

NOTES: To my knowledge, nobody protested about Sue’s score for this episode. Funny, that.

Comment: I’m surprised Sue didn’t comment on how Kerril and Vila appear to have had sex with their clothes on. - Nick Griffths, who clearly hasn’t lived.

C7: Children of Auron

Writer: Roger Parkes
Director: Andrew Morgan
Broadcast: 18 February 1980
Blogged: 30 May 2014

Sue: Oh no. Not her again.

This episode is hemorrhaging marks before it’s even begun.

Sue: So what’s her crackpot scheme this week?

There is some good news, though:

Sue: She really suits the colour black. I was tired of seeing her dressed in white all the time. And her sparkly dog collar is very kinky. I bet you fancied Servalan, Neil.
Me: I was only ten at the time. Although I did have a poster of Debbie Harry on my bedroom wall. And Joanna Lumley, too. Maybe Servalan wasn’t my type.
Sue: It still looks like she’s late for a cocktail party, but it’s an improvement on her being late for a wedding, I suppose.

Servalan has two right-hand men this week. The first is a young stud named Ginka.

Sue: Space Ninjas! Is that her latest plan? Is she going to attack the Liberator with Space Ninjas? She’s had crazier ideas, I suppose.

Her second right-hand man is a middle-aged chap named Deral.

Sue: Fucking hell, Neil! That’s your dad!

Oh. My. God. She’s right.

Sue: OK, he isn’t smoking and complaining about his IBS, but it’s definitely your dad. It’s uncanny.
Me: Stop it! Blake’s 7 is weird enough as it is.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator…

Sue: I wish Cally would do something about her shaggy perm. I hate shaggy perms. The number of shaggy perms I had to deal with when I was a hairdresser back in the eighties. Everybody wanted a shaggy perm.
Me: Did you have a shaggy perm?
Sue: Of course I fucking did.

Sue is so obsessed with Cally’s hair, she misses a vital plot point and I have to rewind the DVD. Yes, the crew are heading back to Earth so Avon can exact revenge on a Federation thug known as Shrinker.

Me: Do you remember Anna Grant?
Sue: No.
Me: Yes you do. The one where Avon had to defuse a bomb with Duggan from Doctor Who - remember?
Sue: Oh, yes. He left her to die, didn’t he? He hasn’t mentioned her in ages.
Me: Yes, well now he’s out for revenge.
Sue: Why not? They’ve got sod all else to do.

Servalan attacks an Auron spaceship with her ionic beams.

Sue: Hey! Flash Gordon wants his spacesuit back.
Me: Do you recognise the pilot?
Sue: Yes, it’s Flash Gordon.
Me: I’ll ask you again when he takes his helmet off.
Sue: Is it a young Stephen Fry?
Me: (exasperated) He’s the son of a Doctor.
Sue: Is he one of the Troughtons?
Me: Yes, very good! Which one?
Sue: I don’t know. There are loads of them, aren’t there? Christmas must have been a nightmare for Patrick.
Me: Yes, Sue, BUT YOU’VE ONLY MET ONE OF THEM!
Sue: Oh! Yes! It’s… it’s… Michael Troughton! He’s such a lovely man. And I love his silver life jacket. I’m not sure how that would work in space, but there you go.

Cally isn’t very happy with Avon this week. Maybe he’s been forcing her to stare at his rocks again?

Sue: They’re having a lover’s tiff. Cally is jealous.
Me: (sighing) Of Dayna, I suppose.
Sue: No, stupid. She’s jealous of Anna. Avon is prepared to risk everything to avenge an ex-girlfriend. That won’t turn Cally on. Don’t you know anything about women, Neil?
Me: I’ll bear that in mind the next time I avenge an ex-girlfriend.

Back on the Auron ship, Michael Troughton is having a bad trip. Literally.

Sue: Did they lace Michael’s drink with LSD? Because this is a bit weird.

Michael has definitely seen better days.

Sue: So Servalan has unleashed the bubonic plague on the universe. What a bitch. That’s low, even for her.
Sue and Me: URGH!
Sue: Oh my God, Michael Troughton is leaking custard! Thanks for that image. CUT!

Cally’s freaking out on the Liberator’s flight deck, too.

Cally: They’re all dying. Dayna, they’re all dying!
Sue: There’s custard everywhere!

Auron quickly succumbs to a deadly epidemic. The first victims are the planet’s children.

Sue: And I thought Happy Valley was bleak. Jesus…

A woman named Zelda is instructed to prepare Auron’s genetic stock for immediate evacuation.

Sue: That woman looks like Cally.
Me: It’s her twin sister, silly.
Sue: Of course it is. I should have known that because Cally never stops talking about her. It’s Zelda this, Zelda that, all the time. She never shuts up about her.

Cally convinces the crew to divert to Auron, speed Standard by Six.

Sue: No rush. Take your time.

When Servalan shows an interest in Auron’s ability to clone DNA, Deral has the nerve to tell her that wiping out an entire planet, just so she can clone herself, is a little excessive, even for her.

Servalan: This, Deral, this is merely a bonus. My primary objective… is to seize the Liberator.
Sue: OK, let me get this straight: Servalan is going to wipe out an entire planet just so she can get her hands on a spaceship that isn’t that good in the first place? It keeps getting damaged, and it’s hijacked every five minutes. And she’s going to clone herself while she’s doing it? Did she come up with this idea when she was in the shower?

Tarrant, meanwhile, takes it upon himself to give a Avon a quick lesson in compassion.

Tarrant: As long as Cally is part of this crew, she has full call on your loyalty and support, no matter what the risks.
Sue: Is he having a laugh? What about Vila, earlier? You hypocritical knob! Unbelievable!

Orac explains that Auron succumbed to the deadly epidemic thanks to its policy of neutrality and isolation. Because without any diseases to fight, the population no longer possessed a natural resistance to the infection.

Sue: After thirty years? That seems a bit quick, but I can’t be arsed to check Wikipedia.

Luckily for Auron, the Federation are here to help. Ginka demonstrates this by curing Auron’s replication expert, Franton.

Ginka: There’s a mirror to your left.
Sue: It’s just like 10 Years Younger. Or Not What to Wear. Or that Gok Wan programme where they’re all naked. And why does Servalan have an art gallery on her spaceship?
Me: What?
Sue: There, on the walls. She’s decorated her spaceship with abstract paintings.

Ginka says he can only cure six people at a time.

Sue: That’s all right. There are probably only six people on that planet, anyway. In fact, the Liberator could probably beam them all up.
Me: ‘Beam them up!’ For fuck’s sake, Sue!

Deral is fed up with Ginka’s attitude, and he gives him a good dressing down.

Sue: Is this what your dad was like when he was a shop steward? I bet he was.
Me: Stop it.

Servalan’s biological clock is ticking, but she’s found the perfect solution: an army of baby clones.

Sue: Broody and vain. This is a recipe for disaster.

Avon contacts the Liberator to see if Orac has come up with a cure for the virus yet, but Vila can’t hear him because he’s got his space helmet on. Sue actually laughed at this, whereas a week ago she would have tutted. So that’s good.

When Ginka’s men storm Auron’s control room, Tarrant, Avon and Cally are taken prisoner.

Sue: Space Ninjas! He may be an irritating dick with an attitude problem, but at least he gets the job done.

Servalan’s DNA is injected into a synthesised placenta.

Sue: Are you sure they’re not just making Yorkshire puddings in there?

Deral stares at the basting tray as he contemplates a future filled with mini-Servalans.

Sue: It is a scary thought. I don’t mean to be funny but Servalan doesn’t really strike me as Mum of the Year material.

Deral teleports to the Liberator to negotiate its surrender, but Dayna manages to ambush him. Vila uses him to bargain with Servalan, until she reminds him that she’s got more hostages than he does.

Sue: It’s pretty good, this. Just as long as they shoot Tarrant first.

Avon and Cally manage to escape after an altercation with some Federation guards.

Sue: Here we go. Here’s a rubbish fight scene, right on cue.

Servalan is so upset by this unexpected turn of events, she flings an empty cup at one of her impotent guards.

Sue: He should have stood there and taken that cup in the face. He acted like she’d just thrown a hand grenade at him.

Our heroes head for the replication plant – the only place Servalan won’t obliterate from orbit.

Me: I have a very vivid memory of this episode. Especially this scene where they’re running across the dam with all the explosions going off.
Sue: Really? What’s so special about it? Did it make you scared of dams? Did it put you off dams for life?
Me: What’s so special about it is I’m in my late-twenties, I’m living with you in Christopher Street, and I’m watching this episode on UK Gold, in bed. It’s 1994 or 1995, and it’s a Sunday afternoon; I think Glen Allen did the continuity. Anyway, you walked in on me while I was watching it.
Sue: I knew it! You did fancy Servalan.
Me: My hands were definitely above the covers. And I definitely remember asking you to watch it with me.
Sue: What did I say?
Me: You said I had to come downstairs and hold a ladder steady for you. Just think - we could have got this out of the way twenty years ago if you’d been a bit more open-minded.

Our heroes safely make it to the replication plant, which contains Servalan’s surrogate womb.

Sue: Now that Travis is gone, this is the next best thing, I suppose. And she’s never going to shag your dad, Neil. No offence.

Dayna teleports to Auron and saves the day.

Sue: I love Dayna. She’s my second-favourite character in Blake’s 7. She’s game for anything. They could use her a lot more than they do.

Ginka tells Servalan that Deral swapped her placentas with his. Yes, really. Servalan orders her giant crocodile to fire on the replication plant.

Sue: Hang on a minute. When did he discover that? Who told him? That doesn’t make any… Wait a minute… I think he’s making it up!

Thanks to Dayna, everyone teleports to safety. All except Zelda, who elects to stay behind to save Servalan’s babies. Sue is biting her nails when the inevitable BOOM happens.

Sue: Bloody hell.

Cally feels her sister die.

Sue: How bleak is this?

And then Servalan feels her children die.

Sue: Fucking hell. Is this really happening, Neil?

And then she kills Ginka with the flick of a switch.

Sue: She’s a Bond villain. But instead of feeding her henchmen to the crocodiles, she flies around in one.

The crew teleport Deral into Servalan’s disappointed clutches.

Sue: Servalan just killed your dad. How do you feel about that?
Me: I think I’ll hang a poster of her on our bedroom wall.
Sue: You’ll have to take Debbie Harry down first, love.

As the Liberator heads for a suitable planet which Franton can populate with the gene stocks she salvaged from Auron, Dayna wonders whether Cally will choose this particular moment to leave the series. Avon thinks Cally will stay, mainly because the alternative is a nursery of five thousand children.

Dayna, Tarrant and Vila: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Sue: Is that really appropriate after everything that’s just happened? If Cally was a telepath, she would have heard that.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: That wasn’t bad at all. I’m sorry if I didn’t say very much in the middle, I was enjoying it too much.

8/10

Sue: That was Servalan’s best story so far. We saw a different side to her.
Me: Yeah, we saw the hitherto hidden baby-murdering side to her. Lovely.
Sue: I felt sorry for her. I know, I know! It’s mad, isn’t it? I can’t explain it.
Me: Still no 10 out of 10, then?
Sue: No. It was a bit too bleak for me. And Michael Troughton wasn’t in it enough.

Blog tagline: Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel. (This is the name of an industrial post-punk band. Honest.)

Glen’s trailer: Children of the Universe. On video.

NOTES: Sue met Michael Troughton at a Doctor Who convention on the outskirts of Newcastle in 2012. And no, she didn’t spill anything on him.

Not only did I take Sue to Obsidian when the blog concluded (see ‘Volcano’), I dragged her to Auron as well (aka Thruscross Reservoir). This is the closest she came to smiling that day:

Comment: I remember almost bursting into tears when Servalan was tricked into murdering her own children when this was first shown. I was a soft sod back then. - Tim

C8: Rumours of Death

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Fiona Cumming
Broadcast: 25 February 1980
Blogged: 3 June 2014

Avon is languishing in a prison cell.

Sue: Is this a flashback?

A Federation lackey decides to pay him a visit.

Sue: Oh, look - Gary is in this episode. And the cell door could do with some WD-40.

The lackey’s name is Shrinker, and Avon has been waiting for him.

Sue: Oh, I get it now. Avon wanted to be arrested so he could find his ex-girlfriend’s killer. That’s clever. And Avon suits his stubble, even if he does look like a hungover mechanic.

Shrinker removes something from his pocket. He asks Avon if he knows what it is.

Sue: It looks like a pen. Does he want Avon’s autograph?

When Tarrant and Dayna suddenly teleport into Avon’s cell, Sue actually cheered.

Shrinker: (incredulous) You’re Blake’s people!
Sue: Avon won’t like that! This is what happens if you don’t change the name of your television programme. Even the bad guys don’t know who they’re fighting any more.

Avon was tortured for five days, but he never told the Federation interrogators his real name.

Sue: And no one working there picked up on the fact that he looks like one of the universe’s most wanted criminals? That doesn’t seem very likely. Avon’s famous!

Dayna aims her gun at Shrinker’s head, but Avon wants him alive.

Sue: What a brilliant way to start the episode. Absolutely brilliant.

Avon takes Shrinker back to the Liberator.

Sue: The irony is that Anna probably isn’t even dead. That will be the twist, I bet.

The crew give Shrinker a taste of his own medicine.

Sue: Tarrant enjoyed that a bit too much. He loves a bit of bullying before lunch. I bet he was a prefect at school.

Meanwhile, on planet Earth…

Sue: That’s a nice house. I don’t know what it’s doing in a sci-fi show, but it’s a very nice house.

A woman named Sula doesn’t agree.

Sula: A grotesque anachronism, like its owner.
Sue: That’s one way of getting around the ridiculous location, I suppose.

Sula is a rebel who has married her way to the top so she can strike at the Federation from within.

Sue: Is she the female version of Blake? She’s doing a much better job of overthrowing the Federation than he ever did. Blake only ever wanted to marry his cousin, and how would that have helped?

It’s Section Leader Forres and Major Grenlee’s responsibility to monitor the house and its grounds for any security breaches.

Sue: They look like they should be playing jazz in those uniforms. And his eyebrows need a good plucking.

Sue doesn’t recognise the actor who’s playing Forres.

Me: It’s David Haig.
Sue: You say that like it should mean something to me.
Me: He’s been in loads of things. It’s David-bloody-Haig!
Sue: I like the way David whatever-his-name-is would rather be at home with his feet up instead of dealing with this shit. It’s a very smart and cynical script.

Back on the Liberator, Avon is preparing to teleport somewhere with Shrinker.

Sue: They haven’t even tied him up. I bet he does a runner.
Vila: Concentrate. He’s more dangerous than he looks.
Sue: Yeah, you tell him, Vila.

(Am I living in a parallel universe all of a sudden?)

Avon and Shrinker are teleported to a cave with no exit. When Avon flicks a switch, one of its walls is suddenly illuminated with a portrait of a woman.

Sue: Who’s that supposed to be? Did Avon paint that himself? Has Avon gone mad?

Avon has a flashback. A flashback to Anna Grant.

Sue: I knew it! She isn’t really dead! At least they didn’t drag it out too much. Ooh, this is really interesting, now.

The flashback takes place from Avon’s point of view. In bed.

Sue: Just think. Avon is completely naked in this scene.

Sue sighs.

Sue: I’m not being funny or anything, but Avon could do a lot better than her.

Back on Earth, the President is preparing for a extra-special dinner party.

Sue: Oh no! I knew they were in Servalan’s house, but I thought she was flying around in her giant space crocodile, so I didn’t think she’d actually be in this episode. She turns up in Blake’s 7 far too much. They should use her more sparingly. Having said that, at least she looks like she belongs there. It’s basically The West Wing meets Downton Abbey, now. With spaceships.

Sula’s men make short work of the Federation’s security forces.

Sue: She just shot a Federation trooper in the arse!

Back in his secret cave, Avon finally extracts the truth from Shrinker: someone called Bartholomew was manipulating Avon behind the scenes.

Sue: What a brilliant scene. Although it’s a bit of a coincidence that Avon finds out about this the very same day that it’s all kicking off with Anna and Servalan back on Earth. But what the hell. It’s great.

The episode also reminds Sue of something else:

Sue: It’s just like 24. You’ve got Avon doing a Jack Bauer to extract the information he needs from the bad bugger; you’ve got terrorists running around trying to kill the President; you’ve got someone who’s not really dead turning up out of the blue; and you’ve got these two morons monitoring the whole thing in CTU. If CTU was equipped with an antique fireplace, that is.

Avon leaves Shrinker with a stark choice: suicide or starvation. (And we bet Shrinker loves his food.)

Sue: Good for you, Avon.
Me: Bit cruel, though, don’t you think?
Sue: He should suffer for his crimes.
Me: Remind me never to torture any of your ex-boyfriends to death.

Sula’s right-hand man pretends to be a Federation trooper when Major Grenlee contacts him on a radio he confiscated earlier.

Grenlee (off-screen): At the double, Squad Leader. Out.
Sula: Perfect. Get to your positions! And good luck.
Sue: She said that before the other guy could switch his radio off. The bloke on the other end should be saying, ‘Hang on… Who said that? Who are you with? Is that a terrorist?’

Sula’s army – disguised as Federation troopers - advance on the stately home.

Sue: Blake never tried to do something like this. She should join the crew – they might actually get something done for a change, although Cally won’t be very happy if Avon’s ex-girlfriend suddenly moves in with them.

Forres and Grenlee cheer as the rebels approach the house, unaware of the chaos that’s about to follow.

Sue: Typical CTU. This always happens. It’s quite funny, though.

A battle rages in Servalan’s house.

Sue: How do they know who’s who? Most of them will be killed by friendly fire. They all look the same to me.

Grenlee and Forres are both shot, which takes Sue completely by surprise.

Sue: Oh no! They killed the Likely Lads! That’s a bit grim. I really liked them.

The rebels make a beeline for Servalan’s office.

Me: This reminds me of that bit in Babylon 5 where the resistance arrest the insane President Clarke.
Sue: Does it? It reminds me of The Shining.

To be fair, they are breaking down Servalan’s door with an axe.

Avon wants to interrogate Servalan, even if that means blowing the top of her head off.

Sue: Wouldn’t it be great if he actually did it, instead of just talking about it.

Orac persuades Avon to postpone his suicide mission until dusk. Dayna doesn’t understand why they don’t wait until it’s dark.

Sue: It’s easier to film at dusk, love.

Sula discusses her next move with her right-hand man, Hob.

Hob: We didn’t fight to put you behind that desk, Sula.
Sue: So is her name Anna or Sula? Maybe she isn’t Anna, after all. She could be Anna’s twin sister. This is Blake’s 7 we’re talking about.
Sula: It was my planning that got us here. Without me, you and your men would still be skulking around the wastelands.
Sue: We should have watched Sula’s 7 instead. She’s actually organised a rebellion. All Avon’s done is collect a few rocks. She’s brilliant.

Avon has another flashback to a post-coital Anna Grant.

Sue: Is he looking at her through her fallopian tube?

And then Avon imagines Anna imprisoned in a cell.

Sue: I bet Anna turns out to be Bartholomew. And I bet Avon has to kill her at the end. Please tell me that doesn’t happen, Neil. That would be awful.

I shrug my shoulders.

Sue: Whatever happens, this will be a game-changer for Avon. He’s agonised over this for years. He must be at breaking point. He’ll never be the same again.

When Tarrant takes out some guards, he actually takes a bow.

Sue: Fuck off, Tarrant. He still thinks he’s in a matinée performance of The Pirates of Penzance.

Avon and Tarrant storm the surveillance room, guns drawn, ready for anything.

Sue: It’s just like The Professionals, but without any sexual tension between the leads.

Grenlee is on his last legs.

Tarrant: You’re dying, but that’s what you’re paid for.
Sue: Tarrant, you utter cunt. Great line, though.

Servalan has been chained to a wall in the cellar. Which means it’s time for one of Blake’s 7′s most famous, and enigmatic scenes:

Avon: Have you murdered your way to the wall of an underground room?
Servalan: It’s an old wall, Avon, it waits. I hope you don’t die before you reach it.
Sue: What a fabulous line.

(I’ll quiz Sue about this exchange later. I don’t want to interrupt the episode with a debate about metaphorical brickwork. Now is not the time.)

Avon jerks Servalan to her feet.

Sue: I think she enjoyed that.

You can cut the sexual tension between Avon and Servalan with a laser probe.

Sue: Tarrant should fuck off. He’s a gooseberry with a perm in this scene.

Sula chooses this moment to check on her prisoner.

Sue: Oh no. It’s all going to kick off now.

Avon can’t look his ex-girlfriend in the eye. Sula thinks he’s met somebody else. Avon says he hasn’t.

Sue: Unless you count Cally, of course. Are they including friends with benefits?

Sula tells Avon how her husband hid her from the Federation when they came calling.

Me: So Avon was a home wrecker, after all.
Sue: Shut up, Neil.

And then everything goes tits up and Avon shoots his beloved – and treacherous (Yes, she was Bartholomew all the time!) – ex-girlfriend to death in cold blood.

Sue: Damn it! I hate it when I’m right.

Avon cradles the dying Anna/Sula/Bart in his arms.

Sue: (singing) We have all the time in the world…

And then Avon frees Servalan from her bonds.

Sue: He should have shot her in the head. Avon’s just killed the one true love of his life. Murdering Servalan would have taken the edge off it.

And then Vila makes a drunken error and he teleports Tarrant, Dayna and Cally back to the ship before Avon is ready to leave.

Sue: Vila, you dick!

(Normal service has been resumed.)

Servalan gains the upper-hand, but just as she’s about to send Avon back to the Liberator with a hole in his head, she’s distracted and Avon escapes unharmed.

Sue: It’s almost as if she wanted him to get away. I’m telling you, Neil, it was the way he pulled her up that wall that did it.

Rumours of Avon’s death have been greatly exaggerated.

Avon: Well, slightly exaggerated, anyway.

Cue credits.

Sue: Aww. Part of him died. This will probably send him over the edge. He won’t be the same after this. I bet he loses it completely. Oh look, that episode was directed by a woman. What a surprise.

The Score

10/10

And I didn’t even have to beg.

Sue: I can’t fault it. It was very exciting, the direction was great and the script was excellent. OK, I could see the twists coming a mile off, but it didn’t seem to matter. It just made the inevitable tragedy seem even more inevitable and tragic. And what a fantastic performance from Paul Darrow. I can’t wait to see what he does with Avon next.

Phew.

Me: So, that bit with the wall.
Sue: What about it? Besides the lovely brickwork, I mean. Made with London bricks, I think, but don’t quote me on that.

We watch the scene again.

Sue: I think it means you shouldn’t torture yourself to death before you die. Everybody is chained to their own wall in the end, so enjoy yourself before you get there, or you’ll end up dead inside before you die. Something like that. Basically: chill the fuck out.
Me: I asked our readers on Twitter to share their wall theories with us and –
Sue: Does it really matter, Neil? I’ve already given the episode 10 out of 10. We can stop now.
Me: But Gareth Roberts says the wall represents utter defeat -
Sue: If you don’t turn this DVD off right now, you’ll be the one chained to a fucking wall.

Blog tagline: We Don’t Need No Federation.

Glen’s trailer: Glen is keeping up appearances.

NOTES: My Sue-inspired Blake’s 24 mash up can be found on our YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/neilperryman/

Comment: That’s great - 10/10 and not a joke about sex dungeons in sight! - Katie C

C9: Sarcophagus

Writer: Tanith Lee
Director: Fiona Cumming
Broadcast: 3 March 1980
Blogged: 9 June 2014

Me: This episode is written by a woman.
Sue: Good. It’s a shame they couldn’t be arsed to centre her credit, though. Look at the state of it.
Me: Tanith Lee was a prolific feminist science fiction author in the 70s and 80s.
Sue: What are her books like?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve only ever pretended to be a feminist.
Sue: You twat, Neil.

Nicol joined us a couple of minutes into the episode.

Nicol: What the hell are you two watching?

The opening is quite hard to explain, but Sue has a good go:

Sue: It’s basically Eyes Wide Shut meets The Wicker Man, Nicol. Oh, and this woman can extinguish burning torches with her hand. Apart from that, I haven’t a bloody clue.

We bear witness to a ceremony which features a magic act, a musician and a martial arts expert.

Sue: It’s Britain’s Got Talent on a spaceship.
Nicol: I’m pressing my buzzer. This is ridiculous.
Me: Prime time BBC-1, Nicol. Can you believe it? I can’t believe it and I was there.
Sue: It reminds me of The Prisoner. And that was fucking mental as well.
Me: Great Tangerine Dream soundtrack, though.

Nicol decides she’s had enough and leaves.

Sue: Did BBC-2′s viewing figures go through the roof when this went out?

When the ceremony is complete, and its participants are preparing to leave, a mysterious figure dressed in black tries to gatecrash the party.

Sue: The auditions are over, mate. You’ll have to try out for The X-Factor next door. Sorry.

The man in black is banished and a vessel is launched into space.

Sue: Right, I’m guessing that was a wake, and they’ve just sent a dead body into space. But the only reason I know that is because of the episode’s title. Because if I’m honest, Neil, I didn’t really follow that. I’m sure it will make sense eventually, though.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator…

Sue: Cally’s bedroom looks like a prison cell. No wonder she looks so miserable all the time.

Cally has a visitor.

Sue: Avon is looking very smart this week. It looks like he’s had a bath and ironed his clothes. Yes, he’s definitely making an effort for Cally.

Avon comforts the telepath, who is still mourning for Auron. Cue the inevitable shipping.

Sue: This isn’t the first time that Avon’s been in Cally’s bedroom, if you know what I mean. I hope they end up together at the end. Now that Anna is out of the way, it should be plain sailing.

The crew detect a ship drifting aimlessly through space. A bit like them, then. Avon enquires about its manpower.

Sue: Manpower? I though you said a feminist wrote this?

Tarrant can’t wait to explore the mysterious spacecraft.

Sue: They literally have nothing else to do. Why don’t they at least pretend to look for Blake or Jenna? Why are they still together, anyway? What is the point of them any more? They need a mission. Is there a Star Two they could search for?
Avon: Something else to chase?
Sue: It’s better than sitting around doing nothing, chick.

Avon, Vila and Cally teleport to the derelict ship, which is covered in dust, cobwebs and party streamers.

Cally: This isn’t a ship - it’s a tomb.
Sue: It must have cost them a fortune. The performers they hired for the funeral can’t have been cheap, either.
Me: You should see the invoice for James Doohan’s funeral.

Zen detects an energy build-up inside the tomb.

Sue: They’ve activated the security tinsel! Quick! Get out of there!

Cally teleports to the Liberator, but Vila and Avon are mysteriously left behind. Cally volunteers to go back for them when Zen estimates that the ship will explode in thirty seconds time, although Tarrant tries to talk her out of it for at least twenty of them.

Sue: ARGH! Stop yakking and move! Anyone would think that Tarrant wanted Avon to die. Oh, he makes me so angry.

Cally rescues her friends in the nick of time. She also steals a ring from the desiccated corpse on the ship (which shocked Sue), and then later, when she’s asleep, Cally has a vision.

Sue: Is it Cally’s twin sister again? No, wait, she can’t be Zelda because Zelda’s dead. Perhaps Cally was a triplet? Or maybe her sister is a ghost… I just don’t know. It’s very confusing.

Avon and Tarrant lock horns on the flight deck.

Sue: This is brilliant. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for absolutely ages. Take him down, Avon.

Tarrant believes that Avon is jealous of his youth, speed and success.

Sue: Don’t make me laugh! Who the fuck does he think he is?
Avon: You talk too much.
Sue: He talks full stop.
Me: I think Avon’s patience has finally run out.
Sue: I don’t know how he had any patience in the first place. Just teleport Tarrant into space when he’s asleep. Who would miss him?

There now follows a short musical interlude…

Sue: Bloody hell. It really is The Wicker Man in space.
Me: It’s late-80s Tangerine Dream meets Joan Baez.
Sue: I’ve never seen or heard anything quite like it.
Me Prime time BBC-1, Sue. Prime time BBC-1.
Sue: Do you know what? I think I like it. It’s different.

The crew have recovered a strange object from the flying tomb – Sue thinks it could be a speaker dock for an alien iPod – and Tarrant asks Orac to analyse it.

Sue: I remember when Orac could predict the future.
Me: Maybe they should consult Avon’s rock.

And then a drinks tray starts flying around the room.

Sue: Either the ship’s gravity is failing or they need an exorcist.

Before we know it, Orac is damaged, the artefact has crumbled to dust and Zen is having a nervous breakdown. In short: it’s all go on the Liberator this week.

Sue: This is proper scary. I don’t like hearing Zen like this. It’s freaking me out. This definitely isn’t for kids.

Cally has been taken over by an alien.

Sue: I’d be more suspicious if Cally wasn’t taken over by an alien.

A vision calls out to her.

Alien: You’ve been homesick for your own world, your own kind, haven’t you?
Sue: I detect a lesbian subtext, here.
Me: Yeah, but you detect a lesbian subtext in every story, Sue.

Vila suddenly feels compelled to perform a magic act for an invisible audience.

Sue: I think I’ve got it now. The crew are possessed by the ghosts of the contestants on Britain’s Got Talent. Yes, that’s it.

And then Dayna’s lyre starts playing by itself.

Vila: Eh?
Sue: B-flat, actually.

Before we know it, Vila and Dayna are inexplicably dressed as a court jester and a… I… erm…

Sue: Fucking hell, Neil. I’m just going to go with this and hope for the best. Thank God Nicol isn’t here to see this.

A hand suddenly appears on Vila’s shoulder.

Sue: It had better not be Servalan!

It’s actually Cally in a ginger wig.

Sue: It’s an improvement on her curly perm. She’s gone a bit heavy on the fake tan, though, but you can’t have everything.

Tarrant tries to work out the plot.

Tarrant: It’s used her as a blueprint to make itself a brand new physical shape, only the whole thing sounds crazy!
Sue: You can’t really argue with that. This is the strangest episode of Blake’s 7 I’ve seen, which is really saying something.

Tarrant races to the flight deck in a red onesie and matching cape.

Sue: Just when you thought Tarrant couldn’t be any more ridiculous. Oh my God.

When Tarrant confronts the alien on the flight deck, she shows him a future where he’ll have to dress as a pillock and look after her pet doves for the rest of his life.

Sue: Face it, Tarrant, you’re never going to get a better offer than that.

The alien raises her hand and Tarrant writhes on the floor in agony.

Sue: Nah, sorry. I don’t feel any sympathy for him. Hurt him some more, pet. Keep going until he’s dead.

And then Dayna has a go…

Sue: The direction is excellent this week. Just look at that silhouette of Dayna as she walks onto the flight deck. That’s wonderful.
Me: This episode was directed by a woman.
Sue: That explains that, then. You know, this almost makes up for that sexist crap I had to endure the other week. Almost.

The alien wants to know where Avon is hiding.

Alien: Naturally I know who is here and who isn’t, particularly if it’s Avon.
Sue: She said ‘particularly’. Well, that settles it, then: Avon and Cally are lovers. Told you.

Avon saunters onto the flight deck.

Sue: Avon will figure it out. He’s Avon.

The alien tries to tempt Avon.

Alien: You know that I wouldn’t wish to make a slave of you, don’t you? Not you.
Sue: Well, not that kind of slave, anyway.

Avon cajoles the alien into killing him, and it’s at this point that Cally intervenes and breaks the alien’s mental link.

Sue: Cally’s love for Avon will save them both. Aww, this is so sweet.

The flight deck is buffeted by explosions.

Sue: This looks fabulous, although the ship is completely fucked, now. That should be their next mission: repairing the ship.

Avon advances on the alien.

Avon: You look so beautiful when you’re angry.

They kiss. Sue gasps. Avon pinches the alien’s ring. Sue gasps some more.

Sue: Naughty.

The alien is practically begging Avon for it.

Sue: Oh just give it to her and teleport her somewhere nice. It’s sad, this. And Avon is so handsome in this scene it’s ridiculous.

Just as she says this, we cut to Avon dressed as the man in black who gatecrashed the alien’s funeral at beginning of the episode. It’s symbolic, innit?

Sue: Oh dear. I spoke too soon. The look on Paul Darrow’s face says it all.
Me: It’s a look that says: ‘Get my agent on the phone!’
Sue: Please tell me this doesn’t convince Paul Darrow to leave the series.

The alien fades away to nothing.

Sue: That was nicely done. And it was very, very sad. At least Cally and Avon can make their relationship public now. No more sneaking around. Go on, Avon, find Cally and give her a big cuddle. I bet she could do with one right now.

The Liberator is fully operational again.

Sue: That’s a relief. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was really worried about Zen when he broke down.
Me: What about Orac?
Sue: Fuck Orac.

Avon and Cally exchange a meaningful look.

Sue: Saucy.

Avon tells Zen to get them the hell out of there.

Sue: They don’t know where they’re going, but they’re gonna shag like rabbits all the way there.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: I didn’t think I was going to like that one very much, but once it got going, it was really good. It was a bit too weird for me – I could have done without the silly dressing-up nonsense – but Paul Darrow was amazing, plus it was atmospheric and different. Yeah, I enjoyed that one a lot. And I’ll tell you something else: the woman who plays Cally is a really good actress. Yeah, just let the women take over Blake’s 7. You can’t go wrong.

9/10

Blog tagline: Putting the Fun in Funeral.

Glen’s trailer: Vox pop.

Comment: Cally - the Poland of aliens. - executrix

C10: Ultraworld

Writer: Trevor Hoyle
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 10 March 1980
Blogged: 12 June 2014

Avon is barking orders at the Liberator’s crew.

Sue: Finally! Avon is acting like he’s in charge. It should be like this every week. They should call him sir. Especially Tarrant.

Zen has detected a mysterious object floating in space. Again. Avon wants to know what the mysterious lump of rock looks like.

Sue: Cut to Vila.

We cut to Ultraworld instead.

Sue: Oh look, it’s the Sontarans.

It is, in fact, an artificial planet.

Sue: Blake’s 7 has definitely turned into Star Trek - they just drift through space bumping into things.

Our heroes decide to keep their distance.

Sue: They don’t usually care about danger; they usually rush in like a bull in a china shop. This isn’t like them at all. Maybe they’re learning from their mistakes. And we should probably keep our eyes on Cally. She’s bound to be taken over by an alien any minute now.

And then they all go to bed.

Sue: What? Don’t they do shifts? Shouldn’t they pull into a space lay-by if they fancy a quick snooze?

Cally is left alone on the flight deck, and either Zen has decided to throw an impromptu disco for her or she’s hallucinating again.

Sue: Surprise, surprise! Cally is being taken over. That’s quick, even for her. It’s got be a new record.

Cally balls up her fists and places them in front of her eyes, and when she lowers them again they’re… completely normal.

Sue: Oh, I expected her to have glowing eyes, or at least some weird coloured contact lenses. That was a bit lazy.

Dayna seems to be perpetually irritated by Vila. No wonder Sue likes her so much.

Sue: Vila must have tried it on with Dayna at some point. It’s written all over her face. And Vila is really annoying in this story. Come on, Neil, admit it: you wouldn’t want Vila on your team. Actually, you’d probably be the Vila on your team. Forget I said anything.

Cally is taken to Ultraworld against her will, but Avon isn’t in a hurry to mount a rescue mission, even though she’s his girlfriend. She is, you know. Sue says so.

Sue: Avon doesn’t suit the colour brown very much. Nice jumbo corduroy, though. Tarrant doesn’t look that great, either. I think his costume is based on a mankini.

Tarrant can’t wait to visit Ultraworld.

Avon: You really believe in taking risks, don’t you?
Tarrant: Calculated ones.
Avon: Calculated on what? Your fingers?
Sue (laughing) I’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter who’s writing the script, Avon always gets the best lines. Either Paul Darrow writes them all himself or everybody just gets Avon. Nobody gets Vila. We’ve glimpsed his hidden depths, but they can’t be bothered to explore them. It’s a shame, really.

Avon, Tarrant and Dayna teleport to Ultraworld (which Avon believes is a giant computer) and it isn’t long before our heroes stumble across three humanoid men.

Sue: It’s the Blue Man Group.
Me: Which one’s Tobias Funke?

They are the Ultras.

Me: If Nicol were here, she’d tell us that the nearest Ultra looks like Richard O’Brien from The Crystal Maze.
Sue: I like their clothes. It’s a very imaginative design. The make-up is a bit dodgy, though. It’s a good job this isn’t in HD.

There then follows an amazing scene where Vila tries – and fails – to school Orac in the art of comedy. And Sue loves every minute of it.

Sue: That was very funny. They bounce off each other really well. I’m not sure what that scene has to do with anything else, but it was definitely fun to watch.

Avon uses his teleport bracelet to contact Vila.

Sue: Avon is making a shadow puppet of a dove on that wall. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for what he’s doing with his hands right now.

When Tarrant investigates the Ultras’ control room, he ends up placing a round peg in a round hole. Clever Tarrant.

Sue: What possessed Tarrant to do that? That could have set off the planet’s auto-destruct system for all he knew. It could have done anything!

A man appears on a monitor screen - Sue thinks he’s a bored accountant – and Tarrant questions him. When the Ultras return to the control room, Tarrant hides.

Sue: I hope they don’t check their browser history.

Tarrant eventually confronts the Ultras when he discovers that they have siphoned off Cally’s personality for their own ends, but his intervention is hopeless because he is unable to resist the power of the core. Whatever the hell that is. Luckily for Tarrant, Dayna sends in one of her explosive drones to blow everybody up.

Sue: Fabulous.
Me: I’d like to know how she hid that bomb in her trouser suit. Actually, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Avon is keeping watch over Cally’s empty husk when he is suddenly attacked by one of Ultraworld’s menial workers.

Sue: Taken down by a bald, middle-aged accountant. Bloody hell, Avon, what are you playing at?

Tarrant has finally worked out the plot: the Ultras have drained Cally’s memory and personality and placed it in a memory store.

Sue: If they try that with Tarrant, they won’t get any personality out of him, no matter how hard they squeeze.

The Ultras want to put the Liberator in their museum.

Sue: Everybody wants that bloody ship. It’s more trouble than it’s worth - they’d spend the rest of their lives dealing with Servalan if they got their hands on it. I don’t think she’s in this story, by the way. Good, isn’t it?

Vila is panicking on the Liberator; Orac offers little comfort so Vila switches him off.

Sue: The ‘Wahaaaaaaa’ noise Orac makes when they turn him off always makes me laugh. He sounds like a bee falling off a tall building.
Me: Eh?

Tarrant finds a map which shows their position on Ultraworld.

Sue: (as Tarrant) There’s a Starbucks over here on the left. Come on!

When Dayna inadvertently disturbs a menial slave, he looks right through her before going about his business.

Sue: They remind me of the Borg, except for the fact that they also look like chartered surveyors. If I’m honest, Neil, the Borg were a bit scarier.

The Ultras want to suck Avon dry, but they’ll have to make him sleep first.

Sue: Make him watch Doctor Who from the beginning. That’ll do it.
Me: They could always make him watch this.
Sue: Don’t you like this story, Neil? I’m rather enjoying it.

Avon stubbornly refuses to sleep.

Me: I know how he feels. If I didn’t have to keep notes, I’d be out like a light.
Sue: Maybe I should take over the blog, since you seem to be the one struggling with Blake’s 7. Come on, Neil. It’s all right, this.

Dayna and Tarrant find a room with a giant conveyor belt.

Sue: Meanwhile, in Ultraworld’s cake factory…

Not only is Ultraworld alive, this is where they feed all the dead accountants to it. Tarrant can hear a strange, throbbing sound.

Sue: Whatever it is, I think it’s got indigestion.

Tarrant and Dayna decide to search for the planet’s core.

Sue: Are they in the bowels of the planet, now? And by bowels, I really do mean bowels.

And there it is: a huge ever growing pulsating brain that rules from the centre of the Ultraworld.

Sue: Are you sure it isn’t a giant colostomy bag?

The Ultras monitor Tarrant and Dayna’s every move. Ultra 1 demands a large pointy stick so he can point out their position on his map.

Sue: You’re sitting right in front of the screen. Use your bloody finger!

It turns out that the large pointy thing can set off explosions in Ultraworld’s tunnels. And it’s great for PowerPoint presentations, too.

Sue: This episode reminds me of Doctor Who.
Me: The giant pulsating brain?
Sue: No, the endless corridors. There’s lots of running up and down this week. I quite like it, though. It’s just like old times.

Back on the Liberator, Vila is still worried about Avon.

Sue: Why didn’t Vila call Tarrant when Avon lost contact with him? What has he been waiting for? I’m sorry, Neil, but Vila is completely hopeless. I feel sorry for the actor who plays him.

Tarrant tells Vila to stand by the teleport.

Sue: Why don’t they just get Orac to do that? He’s much more reliable than Vila – and Orac is shit!

Dayna and Tarrant are captured by the Ultras, which leads to a scene which almost makes this whole adventure worthwhile.

Sue: The dirty bastards!

Yes, the Ultras want to watch Tarrant and Dayna, you know, do it.

Sue: I know the aliens are blue, but this is taking it a bit too far. Is this really happening, Neil?

The Ultras have collected a great deal of information about Earth, but something’s missing from their files.

Me: They’ve collected a great deal of information about Earth, but they’ve never downloaded a single porn film. I find that very hard to believe.
Sue: I notice that Tarrant isn’t arguing about this plan of theirs. I bet he can’t believe his luck.
Me: I just hope they win a crystal at the end of this challenge.

An Ultra wants to know if the bonding ceremony has begun.

Sue: Tarrant is always asked that when he’s in bed with a woman.

A camera records their every move.

Sue: The dirty perverts. This is going straight on Ultraworld’s Intranet.

Sue doesn’t understand why the Ultras didn’t extract the information they needed from Cally’s brain.

Sue: Unless Cally is a virgin, of course. And we all know that’s bollocks. And if they’re really that desperate to watch people having sex, why didn’t they get their army of bald accountants to put on an orgy for them? It doesn’t make any sense.

Tarrant is a very considerate lover.

Tarrant: How’s that, darling? More comfortable?
Dayna: Oh yes. Much better. Thank you, darling.
Sue: (as Dayna) But if you put it there again, I’ll kill you.

Dayna removes a small object from her mouth.

Sue: She’s picking Tarrant’s pubic hair out of her teeth.

It turns out that I was right – Dayna really has been hiding explosives in her cavities.

Me: That wasn’t the sort of bang they were expecting.
Sue: At least the earth moved for Tarrant.

As the Liberator is dragged towards Ultraworld, Orac forces Vila to recite limericks at it.

Vila: There was a young man from… from…
Orac: From where? Think!
Sue: Nantucket!

Cally is about to be fed to the core when Dayna and Tarrant intervene.

Sue: This is officially the worst fight I’ve seen in Blake’s 7. He’s in his fifties! Come on, Tarrant, you can take him!

The pulsating brain/bowel is definitely showing signs of strain.

Sue: When that thing finally goes off, it’s going to spray shit everywhere. It probably ate an accountant who was past his sell-by date.

Tarrant retrieves Avon and Cally’s personalities, which have been stored in a couple of jars.

Sue: They should put them in the wrong bodies. That would be fun. They could leave them like that for an episode. It would be interesting. It would be especially interesting to see if they still fancied each other.

Sue is disappointed when the script raises this tantalising possibility and then fails to do anything with it.

Sue: What a waste. They had a new and exciting episode right there and they threw it away.

Ultraworld’s core begins to collapse.

Sue: I’ve heard of acid reflux but this is ridiculous.

The Ultras don’t understand why the core is failing, although they suspect that the cause is emanating from the Liberator.

Sue: It’s Vila. Vila is going to save the day because the giant bowel hasn’t got a sense of humour. Genius.

Tarrant kills two Ultras in cold blood.

Sue: How weird was that? Tarrant looked really sad after he killed them, like it was the first time he’s ever killed anyone. Maybe Tarrant isn’t as hard as he likes to think he is.
Me: I didn’t hear Dayna complaining.

The Liberator tries to break free of its display cabinet.

Sue: It’s going to snap in two! You have to take the pins out first!

The ship miraculously tears itself free.

Sue: At least they are trying to match the wobbly set with a wobbly model. It’s just a Dinky toy, isn’t it? It’s pretty good, though. For its time.

The core explodes and the last remaining Ultra falls to pieces.

Sue: You know, that wasn’t too bad.

The episode concludes with Vila taking the credit for their escape. Avon gives him a backhanded compliment and everybody laughs. Yes, even Sue.

Sue: That was a lovely scene at the end. I really enjoyed that.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: It was a bit daft, but it was exciting and funny, too. I liked the location they used, and the sets were all right. And Servalan wasn’t in it, which is always nice. Yeah, that was fun. Why are you looking at me like that, Neil?

8/10

Sue’s scores are officially beginning to worry me.

Blog tagline: A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Bowel.

Glen’s trailer: ‘There was an Auron called Cally. With aliens she became very pally…’

NOTES: I think this is the point where Sue was more of a Blake’s 7 fan than I was. She was at least a 6.7, maybe even a 7 on the Blakeian scale by this point, and once or twice she even flirted with a 7.5. On the other hand, I was dipping below a 5, or, to put it more bluntly, this is where I began to struggle.

Comment: I’m confused about Sue – as I get more bored, she seems to be getting more excited – it must have been the sex scene that did it. - Mark

C11: Moloch

Writer: Ben Steed
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 17 March 1980
Blogged: 18 June 2014

Sue: Ben Steed. Why does that name ring a bell?
Me: He wrote ‘The Harvest of Kairos’. You know, the story you refused to give any marks to the other week. You must remember.
Sue: I’m still trying to forget.

I neck a glass of single malt whisky (a Father’s Day present from Nicol).

Sue: The Liberator looks like it’s just been through a spaceship version of a car wash.

Vila complains that they’ve been following Servalan for twenty-seven days.

Sue: Eh? What?

Yes, our intrepid heroes are currently chasing Servalan’s giant space crocodile.

Sue: That’s a turn-up for the books. I thought they were supposed to be running away from her? That’s how this show is supposed to work. What’s changed?

Avon believes that his arch-nemesis is heading for a planet called Calcos.

Tarrant: What would Servalan want with a penal colony?
Sue: I could think of a few things…
Me: Penal colony, Sue. Penal.
Sue: Oh. Sorry.

When Servalan’s ship approaches the so-called Outer Darkness, Avon is determined to follow her. When Vila protests, the crew turn on him.

Sue: Vila is the only person who’s making any sense. It’s the annoying way he does it that rubs people up the wrong way.

Servalan’s ship suddenly disappears from view.

Sue: Did the vision mixer fall asleep in the middle of a wipe?

The Liberator ends up bouncing off an invisible planet, which results in a spectacular cartwheel from Vila.

Sue: (laughing) Excellent. I’ll give him 9.5 for that, the daft sod.

On the planet Sardos, two women, Poola and Chesil, have noticed the Liberator’s near miss.

Sue: I’m guessing that Poola is a futuristic version of Paula, and Chesil is their version of Shazza. I’m also guessing that this episode is one for the dads.

I knock back another whisky, which helps me resist the urge to wolf whistle at Chesil as she walks away in her skin-tight trouser suit.

Sue: Steady on, Neil.

Sardos is surrounded by an energy field that makes it invisible and impenetrable. Not that this stops Servalan from landing there. Dayna says they should have killed her when they had the chance.

Sue: Which chance is she talking about? There have been so many.

The Federation control Sardos, and they aren’t very happy with Poola’s decision not to report a strange object bouncing off the planet’s stratosphere to them. And then a mysterious voice seals her fate:

Moloch: Give her to your men.
Sue: Dear me. I don’t like the sound of that.

Servalan has arrived on this planet at the request of Section Leader Grose.

Sue: Is she Tony Blair to his John Prescott?
Me: Yes, he does look a bit like John Prescott.
Sue: And she’s committed loads of war crimes.

When Poola is handed over to Grose’s men, she is referred to as a ‘present’. I pour another double and brace myself.

Sue: And I thought ‘The Harvest of Whatsit’ was sexist bollocks. I almost don’t know what to say. Fucking hell, Neil.

Chesil (aka Katy Perry) is violently assaulted when she tries to intervene.

Sue: I’ll have that whisky, now, thanks.

Tarrant decides to hitch a ride on a transport ship heading for Sardos, but he’ll have to take Vila with him because Vila is the only member of the crew who knows how to open a door.

Sue: I’d rather ask Dayna to blow the door open than take Vila with me. Vila will get Tarrant killed… On second thoughts, he should definitely take Vila with him.

Vila and Tarrant teleport to the transport ship, where a party is already in full swing.

Sue: Are pirates singing behind that door? If they know anything from The Pirates of Penzance, Tarrant won’t be able to resist.

Vila and Tarrant have teleported on opposite sides of a bulkhead door, and it’s left to Vila to find a way through it.

Sue: Vila’s found the ship’s glory hole. So now what?

Vila is interrupted by one of the ship’s passengers and Tarrant is forced to open the door himself.

Sue: We’d better make ourselves comfortable, we could be here a while.

Tarrant’s progress with a laser cutter is agonisingly slow, but the director is happy to stick with it anyway. And then John Prescott slaps a woman’s arse.

Sue: Am I allowed to give minus scores?
Me: It didn’t stop you when we watched Doctor Who.
Sue: How low can I go?

Servalan discusses the whereabouts of her battle fleet over cheese and coffee.

Sue: At least she’s dressed for dinner.
Me: She’s always dressed for dinner.

Servalan gives Grose a good dressing down.

Sue: That was one hell of an annual appraisal. Nice canapés, though.

But Grose isn’t perturbed by this reprimand, probably because this is no ordinary planet.

Sue: It’s a rapist’s paradise.

On the surface, a group of men are singing while they march:

Prisoners: (singing) It’s great to be free! It’s great to free!
Sue: (singing) If you’re a man on this planet, it’s great to be free!

Vila befriends a convict named Doran.

Doran: When they dragged me into that prison cell, they said, ‘Look at the sun! Look at the sun! Because as long as you live, you’ll never see the sun again.’ And I haven’t. In fifteen years, I’ve never seen the sun.
Sue: He’s talking about Page 3.
Doran: Or a woman.
Sue: I fucking knew it. This is horrible, Neil. I never thought I’d see Terry Scott behave like this. June won’t like it.
Me: He isn’t Terry Scott, but never mind.

Vila loves his new mate and he doesn’t like it when Tarrant tries to break them up.

Sue: This episode just went back into positive score territory because Tarrant fell over. If they kill him off, I’ll give this episode 11 out of 10.

Tarrant pulls a gun on his so-called colleague.

Sue: He’s stepped over the line. I’m sorry, but you can’t do that. What a cunt.

Avon wants to teleport Vila and Tarrant back to the Liberator before things get out of hand.

Sue: Paul Darrow is trying to make this sound really exciting, even though it clearly isn’t.

When Tarrant attempts to make contact with the Liberator, a man armed with an impressive-looking weapon appears behind him.

Sue: Is that a rocket launcher? For God’s sake, FIRE!

When Tarrant is shot, I punch the air.

Me: 11 out of 10! There you go! You can’t go back on your word, Sue. 11 out of 10! Unbelievable!
Sue: EH? WHAT?
Me: You just got your wish. Tarrant’s dead.

I demolish another whisky.

Sue: That was a bit of a shock. I sort of knew they were going to kill him – they were setting it up very nicely for him to die – but the way they actually did it was –
Me: Tarrant isn’t dead, Sue.
Sue: I know that, stupid. I’m getting my own back. You must think I was born yesterday, you dick.

The man who shot Tarrant retrieves a card from a machine, which he then proceeds to wave around in the air.

Sue: Has he taken a Polaroid selfie next to the corpse to prove to his Facebook friends that he’s killed the mighty Tarrant?

Meanwhile, Grose is still threatening to show Servalan something interesting.

Grose: You want to see something extraordinary? Very well then, Madame President – something extraordinary.
Sue: It’s his pornography collection. It really is extraordinary.

Meanwhile, Doran admits to Vila that he has ‘problems’ with women.

Sue: So one of the so-called good guys is a rapist. Wow. Unless the Federation have made him think that he’s a rapist but he isn’t actually a rapist. You know what the Federation are like.
Me: Nah, I’m pretty sure he’s a rapist.

Grose demonstrates a very special machine to Servalan.

Sue: It’s a 3D printer. So what?

The machine can replicate anything. Even Earl Grey Tea.

Sue: Just think, if they had a bigger box, they could stick the Liberator in it and make hundreds of copies.

Servalan has walked into a trap: Grose wants her ship so he can transform it into a fleet of giant space crocodiles.

Sue: Oh, I was so close. This is getting interesting.

When Servalan demands to know how Grose plans to operate his new battle fleet, he places a mouse in the replicator.

Sue: They’re going to pilot their ships with mice?

But the mice don’t work.

Sue: That’s a shame. I would have paid good money to watch mice shooting at the Liberator. That would have been brilliant.

Grose introduces Servalan to Colonel Astrid.

Sue: What the hell is that? It looks like a troll doll in a nappy. Urgh, make it go away!

It looks like Servalan’s time is finally up.

Moloch: Give her to your men.
Sue: I think I’m going to be sick.

No, it isn’t the whisky.

Servalan: You will suffer for this, Grose.
Sue: Has there ever been a more aptly named character in a TV show? I’m actually on Servalan’s side this week. Sort of. I want Avon to swoop in and save her.

Doran has a ‘present’ for Vila: Servalan chained up in a tent.

Doran: Go on!
Sue: Terry Scott is channelling Blakey from On the Buses, now. What the hell am I watching, Neil?

When Dayna and Avon teleport to Sardos, it doesn’t take them long to find the replicator.

Sue: Wouldn’t it be funny if Avon opened that box and he found Tarrant’s decapitated head inside.

Avon finds an apple instead, which he eats enthusiastically. Meanwhile, Servalan and Vila have teamed-up in an attempt to find a way off the planet.

Sue: If this planet generates its own light, you’d think they’d turn it up a bit. I can’t see a bloody thing.

They stumble upon a rapist building a fire. Vila tries to surprise him but he makes a pig’s ear of it. Sue can’t help but laugh when Servalan rolls her eyes and intervenes.

Sue: Why use a heavy rock when there’s a gun right there? She’ll break a nail lifting that.

Servalan ends up shooting the guard anyway.

Me: Who was that, Sue?
Sue: That was Stuart Fell, Neil. Not his best fall, I must say. He should have done a cartwheel. He could have shown Vila how it’s done.

Avon and Dayna find Colonel Astrid – the man in the tank.

Sue: That would have fucked me up if I’d seen that as a kid. It’s horrific – and yet shit at the same time. Did it traumatise you, Neil?

I sink another whisky and shake my head.

The people of Sardos decided to predict what their race would look like in two million years time, and this machine can theoretically bring that prediction to life.

Sue: Why would anybody do that? What would be the point?

Grose’s men take Avon and Dayna prisoner.

Sue: This is what happens when you don’t watch the fucking door. How long have they been doing this? Rule One: watch the fucking door!

Servalan blasts several rapists to death with her sidearm, before grabbing two pilots and escaping in a spaceship. It’s just a shame this happens off-screen and it’s left to Tarrant to summarise these events.

Sue: I knew he wasn’t dead. I just don’t understand why.

The sadistic Grose tortures Avon, beginning with his injured wrist.

Sue: Paul Darrow’s startled sigh suggests to me that the bad guy isn’t grabbing Avon’s wrist under that table.

And then Doran bumps into Katy Perry.

Sue: Oh no. Please, God, no.
Me: They offered this part to Arthur Mullard, you know.
Sue: Please don’t. I feel queasy enough as it is.

Doran misses Vila terribly.

Sue: You know, this would be sweet if he wasn’t a serial rapist. But he is a serial rapist, so I’m finding it hard to give a shit.

But there’s a method to Ben Steed’s madness: the convicted rapist and murderer decides to trust the Katy Perry look-a-like with the tight-fitting trouser suit and revealing cleavage. You know, instead of just raping and killing her. Can you see what he did there?

Sue: I need more whisky.

Tarrant, Vila, Doran and Katy Perry storm the computer room. A tense standoff ensues.

Sue: It’s turned into Reservoir Dogs, but with demented rapists instead of bank robbers.

Doran starts shooting the place up.

Sue: Yay for the convicted rapist!

Doran is killed a few seconds later, along with Katy Perry.

Sue: I can’t believe they didn’t get their own spin-off series.

And then Moloch finally reveals himself.

Sue: Oh my God. It’s a hairy Dalek!

Moloch is basically a Muppet with delusions of grandeur.

Sue: I told you it was a bloody stupid idea.

And then my wife roars with laughter and points at the screen.

Sue: Look at the bracelet dangling from its wrist! How ridiculous is that? He should have put it round his waist!

So what does Moloch want? I’ll give you three guesses.

Moloch: The Liberator. Servalan was merely the bait to bring you here.
Sue: Did you catch any of that?
Me: I think he said, ‘Swerverling was merely the babe to bring you here.’

Tarrant tells Moloch that Cally will never teleport him to their ship.

Sue: He’ll take her over. The episode has almost finished and Cally hasn’t been taken over yet. But there’s still time.

Moloch impersonates Tarrant’s voice and she promptly teleports him up.

Sue: To be fair to Cally, Tarrant’s voice is unique. Nobody sounds like Tarrant.
Me: I reckon Matt Berry could get pretty close.

And then Sue has a brainwave.

Sue: They should run off hundreds of bracelets before they leave. It’ll give Lesley Judd a nice break.
Me: Lesley was killed in the war.
Sue: Oh yeah. The war.

Moloch dies as soon as he vacates his life-support system, which just goes to show that in two million years time, their species will be as thick as two short planks.

Sue: It looks like one of Buffy’s old toys, the one she used to chew the life out of. You know, the one that looked like a plucked chicken. Well, there it is, Neil. There it sodding is.

Zen detects three alien spacecraft in a hostile formation and the crew rush back to the flight deck, leaving Moloch on the floor, all tattered and torn.

Sue: Don’t zoom into it! We don’t want to see it again. It’s rubbish!

Servalan’s ships are bearing down on the Liberator. Avon decides to run.

Cue credits.

Sue: Finally, things are back to normal again. This is what they should have been doing in the first place. Just think, Neil, if they’d been running away at the start, none of that would have happened.

The Score

Sue: That was really bad but it wasn’t that bad. I liked the idea, but it was ruined by a thoroughly pointless appearance from Servalan, that ridiculous cuddly toy and the horrendous sexism. Did we really have to root for a rapist? Ben Steed has some serious problems. But Paul Darrow was really good in it, so I’ll have to give it some marks for that.

3/10

Blog tagline: Doran is a moron.

Glen’s trailer: ‘Avon eats an apple. Dramatically.’

NOTES: I believe that another online protest was staged to rail against Sue’s score for this episode. Understandable, I suppose. 3/10 is very high.

Comment: I’m surprised the telly wasn’t smashed in after Sue had to sit through that. I’m (probably) a sexist git and even I’m uncomfortable with the rapey stuff. - Tim

C12: Death-Watch

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Gerald Blake
Broadcast: 24 March 1980
Blogged: 24 June 2014

This episode begins on a space liner.

Sue: I like the set – it’s massive. Oh, he looks familiar… Eh? What’s happened to Tarrant’s perm?

I pause the DVD while Sue comes up with a good reason for Tarrant’s catastrophic hair failure. They include: Tarrant in a flashback, Tarrant in a flash-forward and Tarrant working under cover (but still using his real surname).

Sue: It could be his brother. But they wouldn’t do that because they pulled that trick with Cally not that long ago. They wouldn’t be that stupid.

I press Play.

Sue: Has Avon got a twin? I could live with that.

There’s a lot for Sue to process during this episode’s cold opening: Tarrant has a double, there’s an assassination attempt, an act of war, Stuart Fell falls over, and then we’re treated to some barely comprehensible nonsense about something called a Summons to Justification.

Sue: I haven’t got a clue what’s going on, Neil, but it’s very good. I even like Tarrant’s hair – it suits him.

Sadly, she can’t say the same about Avon’s latest trip to the Liberator’s wardrobe.

Sue: You can tell this was made in the 1980s – look at the size of Avon’s shoulder pads. Oh no, I don’t like this look at all. It looks like he’s trying to hide a tiny pair of wings.

Vila manages to convince the crew that if they don’t take a relaxing break soon, everything will go tits up. Like that never happens.

Sue: I thought Cally was in charge of health and wellbeing on the ship?

Tarrant requests some information from Zen, but not before he checks with Avon first.

Sue: He’s finally showing Avon the respect he deserves. There’s hope for Tarrant yet.

The long and short of it is that Vila wants to visit a war zone.

Sue: Who flies to a war zone for a fucking holiday? That’s why Thomas Cook doesn’t offer package tours to Syria, you numpties.

Cally and Dayna are just as confused as Sue (which reassures her slightly), and then the penny drops: Vila wants to watch two men fighting for the honour of their planetary systems.

Sue: Right, I get it now. It’s The Hunger Games.

Funnily enough, Channel 4 are broadcasting The Hunger Games as we’re watching this episode. Serendipity and all that.

Sue: Actually, this is basically their version of the World Cup, isn’t it? And where did all the booze and nibbles come from? Did they stop off at the shops on the way there? They should show the Liberator flying though space with a flag tied to its rear end.

After a very amusing exchange, in which Avon basically tells Orac to shut the fuck up, the computer agrees to stream a viscast of the event to the Liberator’s view screen. The viscast previews some of the artificial arenas which are used to stage the fights.

Sue: That looks like a links golf course. Hey, this really is a lot like The Hunger Games. Or, I should say, The Hunger Games is a lot like this. Even the hatches they have to walk through look the same. And this bit with the media reporting the event is very similar, too. Did Chris Boucher take legal action?

Sue loves it when the viscast’s presenter gets into pissing contest with the director via the studio’s talkback system.

Sue: I really like this episode. It’s funny and it’s smart, especially when you consider when it was made.

Deeta Tarrant, First Champion of the United Planets of Teal, shares a taxi with his friend, Max.

Sue: If this is Tarrant’s clone, or brother, or whatever the hell he is, and he has to fight in this arena thingy, then his friend must be Woody Harrelson.
Me: It’s Jo Grant’s husband, actually. Although the last time you saw him he had long hair and was Welsh.
Sue: This is why I’ll never be a fan. I wouldn’t have got that in a million years.

Deeta Tarrant’s opponent has mysteriously turned up out of the blue to represent the Vandor Confederacy.

Sue: I bet it’s Travis. He hasn’t been in an episode for ages.
Me: That’s because he’s dead.
Sue: Yeah, of course he is, Neil.

Three arbiters have been chosen to oversee the contest, and one of them is -

Sue: OH NO! Fuck off! I don’t believe it! So Servalan’s an X-Factor judge on her days off now, is she? I bet she’s the Sharon.

The presenter’s commentary is really beginning to get on Avon’s nerves.

Me: It could be worse, Avon. You could be listening to Clive Tyldesley.

And then Tarrant’s brother appears on the telly, and the crew are knocked for six.

Sue: Well, that clears that up. I’ll tell you what, though: the actor who plays Tarrant is much better than I thought he was. His performance is subtly different. I think the other Tarrant is supposed to be older and wiser, and not as cocky. It’s a massive coincidence, but what the hell.

And Deeta Tarrant’s opposite number isn’t Travis, after all.

Sue: He looks like an accountant. Is he really the best fighter that the other planet’s got to offer? They must be shitting themselves.

Deeta is fitted with an implant which allows Max to experience his friend’s thoughts and actions.

Sue: Even The Hunger Games didn’t go this far. Actually, this reminds me of a short film that some of my students produced this year.
Me: Are your students closet Blake’s 7 fans?
Sue: I doubt it. There are some similarities, though. It’s about a reality show where you can see what the contestant sees, and it all goes horribly wrong. It’s very good, actually.
Me: Chris Boucher should take legal action.

Del Tarrant arranges a meeting with Max.

Sue: Tarrant should swap places with his brother. That way they could kill the crap Tarrant and replace him with a slightly better Tarrant. That’s what I would do.

Avon, meanwhile, decides to visits a ‘sick friend’.

Sue: Ha! Brilliant. I should have guessed that he meant Servalan.

It’s a total flirt-fest.

Sue: They should get a room.
Me: They’ve got a room, Sue. OK, it looks like a freezer section in the back of a supermarket, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Avon has correctly surmised that Servalan plans to disrupt the contest with an unexpected rule violation. However, she assures Avon that she isn’t a threat to him, and that she thinks of him as a future friend.

Sue: He must be ignoring her requests on Facebook. He’s playing hard to get.

Not hard enough it seems, because Avon and Servalan are suddenly snogging each other’s faces off. Sue laughs and gasps at the same time.

Sue: Cally will be furious!

Still cradling Servalan in his arms, Avon makes radio contact with his girlfriend Cally.

Avon: I’m ready to come up now.
Sue: Yes, I bet you are!

Sue spectacularly fails to notice the most exciting aspect of this scene, namely that Avon is walking backwards when he teleports.

Sue: I worry about you sometimes, Neil.

Deeta Tarrant is now ready for combat in his shiny, silver spacesuit. Max asks Deeta how he feels.

Sue: (as Tarrant) Like Gary Glitter about to open for The Sweet.

Sue has a bad feeling about this.

Sue: Tarrant is going to die. The good Tarrant, I mean. They’re going to kill the wrong Tarrant. I like this Tarrant. This isn’t fair, Neil.

The contest is about to begin.

Sue: What happens if they shoot each other straight away? All this hype and build-up – and for what? Ten seconds of action?
Me: At least the England football team managed to drag it out for three hours.

The arbiters each place a disc on their foreheads: green for Teal (or should that be teal for Teal?) and blue for Vandor.

Sue: So what does Servalan do as the independent judge? Does she place a different coloured disc over each eye? Does she get to see it in 3D?

After a tense build-up (Sue’s already biting her nails), the contestants finally step into the arena. Where will they find themselves? An exotic beach? An alien planet? A deadly jungle? What do you think?

Sue: It could be worse. It could be a quarry.

If the location is a little disappointing, then at least the direction more than makes up for it.

Sue: The camera work is great. The direction has been pretty good so far, but it just went up a notch.
Me: You hated Gerald Blake’s direction last time.
Sue: I don’t care. This is excellent. Ooh, POV shots as well. Very nice.

If only Vinni posed more of a threat.

Sue: He doesn’t strike me as a Vinni. He’s more like a Malcolm or a Keith. Tarrant should be able to take him, no bother.

As if to prove her point, Tarrant successfully sneaks up on Vinni. The only problem is he can’t bring himself to shoot his opponent in the back.

Sue: Idiot.

Deeta Tarrant pays the ultimate price when Vinni draws his gun with preternatural speed.

Sue: What the…? How the hell did that happen?

You can hear a pin drop as Deeta tumbles to his death in slow motion. After what seems like an eternity, Sue utters a single word:

Sue: Wow.

Deeta Tarrant is dying, and Del gets to feel every agonising second. Sue’s bottom lip is quivering a bit (slightly more than Del’s, actually).

Sue: Fuck me.
Me: Are you surprised?
Sue: I’m surprised the director could afford a crane. Look at this shot – it’s amazing!

Avon is determined to know how Servalan violated the rules. Orac suggests that Vinni must be an android.

Sue: Ah-ha! So that explains why he looked so normal – he was supposed to look like that. That’s clever. It was the only thing that was still bugging me. Excellent.

Avon has a job for Tarrant.

Sue: Give him a break, Avon. His brother just died. You only thought your girlfriend was dead and you were upset for years. Avon can be incredibly insensitive, sometimes.

Tarrant agrees to challenge Vinni to a duel.

Sue: They won’t kill two Tarrants, will they? I don’t think I could handle that.
Me: I thought you wanted Tarrant to die?
Sue: Shut up, Neil.
Me: Do you want a tissue?
Sue: I’m warning you, Neil.

Dayna gives Servalan a fright when she interrupts Vinni’s post-match medical.

Sue: Shoot her in the face! Damn it. At least there’s a good reason for sparing Servalan’s life this week, but the crew need to be more ruthless. They need to start shooting people in the back.

Thanks to Avon and Orac cheating the system, Tarrant gains an advantage over Vinni in the arena, which now takes the form of an observation gallery on a deep space liner (which is handy).

Sue: It’s a level from Unreal Tournament.

Trust me, Sue was unbeatable at Unreal Tournament in the early 2000s.

Sue: HEADSHOT! Come on, what are you waiting for?

Once again, Tarrant refuses to shoot Vinni in the back.

Sue: IDIOT!

It’s a close run thing but Vinni is eventually vapourised.

Sue: Bloody hell, that was tense. I haven’t got any nails left, you bastard.

Avon convinces Max to re-stage the contest, this time without any interference from Servalan. And then Tarrant does a runner before he ends up back in the arena again.

Cue credits.

Sue: Brilliant.

The Score

Sue: It took a while for me to get to grips with what was going on, but once I did… Well, I just can’t fault it. Even Servalan didn’t do my head in. A fabulous script, years ahead of its time, great performances and brilliant direction. I don’t know what else to say. And I’ve completely changed my mind about Tarrant.

10/10

Blog tagline: It’s never easy.

Glen’s trailer: ‘The crew need a holiday, so off they pop to watch a fight to the death.’

Comment: I still think this one should be called ‘They Killed Tarrant’s Perm’. - Alex Wilcock

C13: Terminal

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 31 March 1980
Blogged: 28 June 2014

First things first: Sue knows there are 52 episodes of Blake’s 7. I briefly considered telling her there were only three series before we started the blog, so I could text her during ‘Terminal’ with the good news (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll explain later), but I thought better of it in the end; not only would it have been unusually cruel, I would have sustained a serious injury, too. However, I did tell her that this episode could have been the last one, but wasn’t. Obviously.

Oh, and she can sing the theme tune flawlessly now, which is nice.

Sue: Terry Nation! Long time no see.
Me: This is the last time you’ll ever have to sit through a Terry Nation story. I promise. It really is the end of an era.
Sue: I’m not sure how I feel about that. Just as I was beginning to like him.

Just like me, Avon’s head is in his hands.

Sue: Are they playing Hide and Seek? Are they really that bored?

Dayna and Cally are playing Space Monopoly in the teleport room next door. So yes, they really are that bored.

Cally: My game in nine thousand seven hundred and twenty-one moves.
Sue: How long have they been playing this for? Six months?

Tarrant wants to know why Avon has altered the Liberator’s course without telling anybody.

Sue: Avon has turned into Blake. This is the sort of thing Blake used to do. Avon should know better.

Avon has received a secret message.

Sue: It must be Servalan. She’s poking Avon again.
Me: When did you last use Facebook, Sue?

Avon too tired to come up with a decent quip to hurl at Tarrant.

Sue: Terry’s the one who’s tired. He must have been up against a deadline.

Tarrant butts heads with Avon like he’s never butted heads with Avon before.

Sue: Ooh, this just went up a notch. I’m not sure whose side I’m on any more. Avon is acting like a right twat. He’s acting like Blake.

Thanks to Avon, the Liberator ends up flying through some liquid particles. According to Zen, the damage to the ship is superficial, but then we cut to something eating through the hull.

Sue: Either Vila has just been sick on the floor, or Zen is faulty and they’re all fucked.

The Liberator arrives at its final destination: Terminal.

Sue: It looks like a giant egg. I hope there isn’t a giant space chicken in this episode. I wouldn’t put it past them.

Avon is determined to teleport to Terminal alone.

Sue: Is he expecting to take part in a jousting competition? Because those gloves are ridiculous if he isn’t.

Avon has left a recorded message for the crew.

Sue: Blake did this once, I’m sure of it. And Avon called Blake an idiot when he did it to him, so what’s he playing at?

Avon threatens to kill anyone who dares to follow him.

Sue: Eh? Has Avon been taken over by aliens? Why is he doing this? Has Terry Nation forgotten who he’s writing for? This is a really Blakey thing to do.

Avon isn’t impressed with Terminal when he finally gets there.

Sue: I bet it’s gorgeous on a sunny day. It reminds me of the Yorkshire Dales. It’s the weather that’s crap, not the location. Why would you create an artificial planet with bad weather, anyway? It doesn’t make any sense.

A rhythmic heartbeat follows Avon’s every move.

Sue: It’s the Sound of Drums. Avon has been summoned to this planet by the Time Lords.
Me: Are you sure you don’t write fan fiction in your spare time?

Avon retrieves a spherical device from a spherical device dispenser.

Sue: It’s an egg timer. There are lots of egg references in this episode, Neil. Should I be worried? That heartbeat belongs to a giant space chicken, doesn’t it?

The spherical device issues some directions to Avon. And no, it isn’t a Toclafane, Sue.

Sue: I bet Blake’s 7 fans drive around the countryside with this voice programmed into their Sat Navs. I know I would.

It appears that Avon isn’t alone on Terminal.

Sue: Oh no! It’s Jimmy-fucking-Savile. There was a time when that would have been funny, but not any more. Now I feel sick.

Meanwhile, an alien enzyme is busy devouring the Liberator.

Sue: Why hasn’t Zen noticed this? The place is falling to bits.
Me: It reminds me of that hotel we stayed in when we went to Amsterdam.
Sue: I’ve told you before, Neil, there was nothing wrong with that hotel. You were tripping your bollocks off.

Avon is directed to a man-made structure at the top of a hill.

Sue: Either this planet is powered by solar panels or this is a prop from a game show. ‘Which box contains the special cash prize? Choose now!’

Avon enters an underground complex.

Sue: The direction is really good. It’s very atmospheric. The heartbeat is beginning to freak me out a bit; I hope it doesn’t turn into clucking.

The Jimmy Savile clones are torn to pieces by apes. It’s strangely cathartic, actually.

Sue: And it was going so well. And why are the apes eating their clothing? What’s that all about? Have they got a fabric fetish?

Avon finds a teleport bracelet.

Sue: Is it an old one? Wait a minute… Nah, surely not.
Me: Go on.
Sue: Is he looking for Blake?

Sue’s suspicions are confirmed when Avon stumbles across Blake’s medical records.

Sue: Well, I didn’t see that coming. I’m shocked. However, I bet you anything Blake isn’t here. Not really. This is a trap. And I bet I know who’s behind it as well, for fuck’s sake.

Avon is subdued with a tranquilliser dart.

Sue: Avon must really love Blake if he’s come all this way for him. I bet he wouldn’t go to this trouble for Jenna.

Back on the Liberator, things are going from bad to worse.

Sue: It’s a bit sad, this. It’s as if Zen is dying, the poor thing.

If only Avon hadn’t taken Orac’s key with him.

Sue: This is what happens when there’s no trust between anyone. This is very sad.

Tarrant and Cally, who have followed Avon to Terminal against his wishes, are attacked by gorillas in the mist.

Sue: I could do without this scene, thank you very much. Why do they always have to ruin everything with a shit fight, or a shit monster? It’s even worse when you get both at the same time.

Cally enters the hatchway, leaving Tarrant to face down the killer monkeys alone.

Sue: Tarrant is going to die. I suppose they don’t need a spare any more. Not if they’ve found Blake.

Tarrant makes it to the hatchway before it closes on him. According to Tarrant, it’s downhill all the way.

Sue: It had better not be!

An unconscious Avon has been wrapped in cling film (‘Just the way I like him.’). And then, in the blink of an eye, he wakes up in a completely different room.

Sue: That was a strange edit. They should have inserted a cutaway between those two scenes. Unless the cutaway involved those bloody apes, in which case I can understand why they went with a jump cut.

Avon continues his search for Blake.

Sue: I’m telling you now - Blake won’t be in this episode. It’ll be Servalan instead. It’s so obvious.

Avon finds a bearded man lying on a table.

Sue: They’ve hired a double and stuck a beard on him. That isn’t Blake.
Blake: Well, you certainly took your time finding me.
Sue: Oh my God! It’s him! It’s really him! I don’t believe it. Wow. So is Blake in the next series? I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Blake tells Avon that a rescue attempt is out of the question because he’s currently attached to a life-support machine.

Sue: Why didn’t he ask Avon to rescue him in three months time, when he could get off the table? Do they come back for him at the end of the next series? Is that it?

Avon is knocked unconscious and wrapped in cling film again. Or is he/was he?

Sue: OK, this is very confusing. Unless Avon dreamt all that and Blake wasn’t really there. Am I close, Neil?

The brains behind this operation is none other than -

Sue: NOOOOOOOO!

Avon isn’t surprised to find Servalan on Terminal. In fact, he seems to relish it.

Sue: There’s definitely chemistry between these two, and you could easily imagine them as a couple, although it is slightly ludicrous, don’t you think?

Meanwhile, Vila and Dayna can’t move for vomit on the Liberator.

Sue: It’ll take more than a squirt of Jif to clean this mess up. It looks like an explosion in a pizza factory.

Zen admits defeat and shuts down.

Sue: This is ridiculously sad. Why am I so sad, Neil? It’s just a stupid machine, but this is easily the saddest moment in Blake’s 7 so far.
Me: What about Gan?
Sue: Who?

Servalan offers to exchange Blake for the Liberator, but Avon’s having none of it and he instructs Vila to make a run for it.

Sue: But Vila can’t make a run for it! Oh no, this is going to end badly. I can feel it.

Tarrant and Cally are captured by Servalan’s Savile clones, which forces Avon’s hand.

Sue: Servalan is going to inherit a disintegrating spaceship. This is brilliant – Servalan is going to die!

According to Servalan, Blake is already dead. He died from his wounds on another planet years ago.

Sue: Fuck.

Avon has been tricked.

Sue: What a cow. Avon looks like he’s lost the plot. Oh, I could throttle her myself.

But Servalan has one more bombshell to drop: the apes on the planet’s surface aren’t what humanity evolved from – they are what humanity are destined to become.

Sue: As long as we don’t end up looking like Jimmy Savile, I’m OK with that.
Me: I’m surprised Terminal didn’t look like a giant Statue of Liberty. Seriously, Terry fucking Nation! There, I’ve said it so you don’t have to.

Servalan bids Avon farewell.

Sue: Give him a kiss!

Vila hands over the Liberator, but before he leaves, he persuades Servalan’s lackey to let him take Orac with him.

Sue: Clever Vila. I’ve always liked Vila.

Vila is teleported to Terminal.

Sue: Hang on a minute. How did that woman know how to work the teleport? She strolls onto the ship and suddenly she’s a fucking expert on how to use a teleport?

Servalan has the one thing she’s always wanted: the Liberator.

Sue: Why hasn’t she commented on the mess they’ve left behind? Does she think that Vila staged a dirty protest when he found out she was coming?
Servalan: MAXIMUM POWER!
Sue: That’s hilarious. She’s completely fucked!

The Liberator begins to break apart, and Servalan makes a desperate dash for freedom.

Sue: Oh no. She’s going to get away! STOP HER!

The Liberator explodes.

Sue: Oh well, I’m sure they’ll get a new one. It’s Zen I feel sorry for. And Avon’s rock collection, of course. He’ll have to start all over again. And I bet that bitch got away, too.

One by one, the crew exit stage right. Avon is the last to leave.

Sue: I don’t know what he’s smiling for. That was all his fault!

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: That was fucking brilliant.

10/10

Sue: OK, so the monkeys and the Jimmy Savile impersonators should knock a couple of marks off the score, but sod it, that was excellent.

And breathe.

Sue: Was that really going to be the last episode? You can sort of tell, I suppose, what with Blake coming back and them blowing up the ship and everything. So what changed their mind?
Me: Well, believe it or not, the Head of BBC Television, Bill Cotton, was sat at home when this episode was broadcast, and he was so impressed by what he saw, he telephoned the BBC and told them to announce that the series would return the following year. Everyone who was involved with the programme thought it was over – and then the continuity announcer told them otherwise. Mad, eh?
Sue: Fabulous. That would never happen today, which is a bit sad, actually. And you can’t blame him - it was a fantastic episode. They had to make more. They could have ended it there, I suppose, but you’d always wonder what happened to them.

Blog tagline: End of the line.

Glen’s trailer: MASSIVE SPOILERS!

NOTES: A giant egg in space, Sue? Don’t be ridiculous.

Comment: I never thought Sue would give a Terry Nation story 10 out of 10! Even ‘Genesis Of The Daleks’ only got a 9! She’ll be begging Neil to watch Survivors next. - Richard Lyth

Interlude C

Here are the best seven questions posed by our readers at the end of the third series:

Annie Worrall: Jarvik, Bayban, Vila – Snog, Marry, Shag?
Sue: Starting as we mean to go on, I see. It’s not much of a choice, is it? Why isn’t Avon included on that list? Even Tarrant would be preferable to Vila. And I’m sure one of those choices should be ‘avoid’. Oh God. Very well, if you insist: I’d snog Jarvik first to get it out of the way (actually, I’d snog him and then I’d call the police), I’d shag Vila (he’s good at it, apparently) and I’d marry Colin Baker.
Me: Colin Baker isn’t an option. It’s Bayban. Bayban the Butcher. The homicidal maniac.
Sue: I’d still choose him over Vila. Anyway, he’d probably get killed by another homicidal maniac, and then I’d claim on the insurance.
Umeir Khan: Who was your favourite guest star in Series C?
Sue: It’s got to be Colin Baker. No, wait. I’ve changed my mind. Tarrant’s brother.
Me: I don’t think you can class him as a guest star.
Sue: I don’t care. He was brilliant. And he ain’t coming back any time soon. Yeah, it’s got to be him.
The Grouchybeast: If Paul Darrow had written a script, what do you think would have happened in it?
Sue: He’d find Blake – the real one this time.
Me: Blake’s dead.
Sue: Ah, but is he really? We’ve only got Servalan’s word for that. Anyway, Avon would rescue Blake and then they’d clear Blake’s name back on Earth by hacking into another big computer (he’s still a convicted child molester, you know). That way, Avon will have paid his dues to Blake, which means he can leave him to his crusade with a clear conscience. Avon then lives happily ever after on a tropical planet with loads of money. Something like that.
Rebecca Carlton: What do you want to see happen in the last season?
Sue: You know what I just said a minute ago? That.
Me: You can’t give the same answer to both questions.
Sue: OK, that would be the last episode, but before we got there, here’s what I’d like to see: Avon and Servalan should get married -
Me: WHAT?
Sue: Servalan isn’t dead. She’ll be back.
Me: That isn’t why I said WHAT? In fact, I’m going to say it again. WHAT?
Sue: Servalan should carry Avon’s child and -
Me: Sue, this is Blake’s 7 we’re talking about here, not Knots-fucking-Landing!
Sue: OK, right. Let me think about it.

One hour later…

Sue: OK, I’ve thought about it. I want more worthy missions, like them saving Earth, or something important like that. None of this ‘drifting around in space bumping into things’ nonsense. I want to see Avon and Servalan work together; I want her to redeem herself by saving Avon. Maybe they get stuck on a planet and they have work together to get off it. I want less Tarrant and less Cally. What is Tarrant doing there anyway? He has no purpose! Cally should find a quiet place to live - I don’t really care. I’d also like to see Orac and Vila have a big adventure together; they could go to that planet where all the hedonism take place. Oh yeah, and I want more explosions.
Me: Do you think they’ll get a new spaceship?
Sue: It’s either that or they’ll have to use space taxis. So yes, they probably will.
Me: Any thoughts on that?
Sue: They’ll get a cloned version of their old ship. It’ll look exactly the same as the old one, and they’ll call it Liberator 2, or something boring like that. The BBC wouldn’t get rid of all their models. That would be stupid.
Sarah K: What would Ben Steed (or any of the writers) have to do to get a minus rating?
Sue: They would have to kill Avon.
Chris Orton: Having studied the series carefully like myself (I’ve co-written a book about it you know!) would you agree with me that everything is basically Tarrant’s fault?
Sue: Absolutely not. Look, it’s all Blake’s fault. Or at least it was Blake’s fault. Now it’s all Avon’s fault – it’s his fault they haven’t got a spaceship any more for a start! After Avon, it’s Vila’s fault. Then Orac, probably. Tarrant’s just a spare part, filling in for Blake. You can’t blame him, really.
Arianne: Are you fan of any specific TV series, Sue? If there is, would you like to do an experiment with Neil where you watch it with him and then share his comments with the net?
Sue: Yes, I’d like Neil to watch every episode of Norm Abram’s New Yankee Workshop with me. There are only 284 episodes.
Me: It would be a very niche blog, and it would basically consist of me saying: ‘I can’t do that’, ‘I can’t do that’, and ‘I’d hurt my fingers doing that!’ over and over again. It’s never going to happen.
Sue: All the episodes exist.
Me: I don’t care.
Sue: We could always watch the new series of Doctor Who.
Me: There’s more chance of us blogging The New Yankee Workshop than there is of us blogging the new series of Doctor Who. Or anything else for that matter.*
Sue: I’ll buy the domain name later.
Me: Are you ready for the final series?
Sue: No, there’s a World Cup semi-final on in a minute.
Me: Tomorrow?
Sue: Yeah, go on then.

* We’re blogging Sapphire and Steel in 2015.

SERIES D

Do they call her Soo?

D1: Rescue

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 28 September 1981
Blogged: 11 July 2014

My wife made it through the new title sequence without uttering a single word.

Me: Well?
Sue: What do you want me to say? I thought they might cut away from the boring computer display to something more exciting, but they didn’t, so it’s crap.
Me: Still no apostrophe in the title.
Sue: Still no Avon in the title.

This episode begins with Avon and Dayna approaching the spaceship which Servalan left for them at the end of ‘Terminal’.

Sue: Servalan must be around here somewhere. She can’t have teleported far.

Servalan has booby-trapped the spaceship, and it explodes when Dr. Zaius sticks his head inside.

Sue: What a bitch. She’ll regret that when she realises she’s stranded there with them.

When the complex beneath Terminal explodes, Vila thrusts his crotch in Tarrant’s face to shield him from the flaming debris.

Sue: Thank God he didn’t try to save Cally like that.

We’ll never know if Cally would have preferred Vila’s thrusting crotch to death because she’s, erm, dead.

Sue: No fucking way! Just like that? Off-screen? Doesn’t anyone stick around to say goodbye on this bloody programme? Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad she’s gone – but that’s a really disappointing way for a character to leave a series. This isn’t a good start, Neil.

Sue does a quick head count.

Sue: Orac must be dead as well, then. He couldn’t have survived that explosion. So that’s two cast members who didn’t renew their contracts.

Meanwhile, on a spaceship we’ve never seen before…

Sue: Is this the Liberator’s replacement?
Me: You tell me.
Sue: I think they’ve spent some money on it, and they’re showing it off, so I guess it must be. I like it.
Me: You like it? Are you insane?
Sue: It’s a proper spaceship. It’s clean for a start. And silver.
Me: You’re actually telling me that you prefer this bland box to the Liberator, one of the most interesting designs for a spaceship ever seen on television?
Sue: Yes. I don’t like the exterior that much, though. It looks like someone’s wrapped a spaceship in brown paper.

The ship belongs to a man named Dorian.

Sue: Is he Cally’s replacement? They’ll be a lot of testosterone on that ship if he joins the crew. That’ll annoy Dayna and Vila.

Dorian’s ship is equipped with an obsequious computer.

Sue: This must be Zen’s replacement. He sounds like the miserable robot from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Is he from Birmingham? Who’d programme a computer to sound like it came from Birmingham?

Avon tells Tarrant that Cally is dead.

Sue: No one gives a shit. I know Cally didn’t do very much, besides getting taken over by telepathic aliens every week, but the lack of tears is a bit harsh. Even Avon doesn’t care and he was sleeping with her!

She eventually realises that Avon is fiddling with something between his legs.

Sue: I don’t believe it! So he went back in there for that stupid bloody computer but he couldn’t be bothered to recover Cally’s body so they could give her a decent burial. I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I do know how I feel about that – I’m pissed off!

Sue seethes in silence until Vila accidentally walks over the edge of a cliff.

Sue: What a dick!

Vila is menaced by a Triffid, but Dorian comes to the rescue.

Sue: Why haven’t we got a cat called Dorian?
Me: Because then we’d have a cat called Dorian.
Sue: Fair enough.

Avon forces his way onto Dorian’s ship.

Sue: Why don’t they just ask him for a lift? He just saved Vila and Dayna from a Triffid, so why is Avon treating him like he’s just pissed in his tea?

Dorian says he’s an intergalactic scrap dealer.

Sue: If he really is a scrap dealer, they should have hired a cockney actor, or someone from the North. Does this show really need another posh boy?

Not for the first time, Vila invades Dayna’s personal space.

Sue: No wonder she can’t stand Vila. He can’t keep his hands off her.
Me: I think Dayna hates Vila almost as much as you do.
Sue: I don’t hate Vila. He just irritates the hell out of me.

The crew prepare to lift-off as an unstable volcano erupts around them.

Me: You can buy those chairs from Staples, you know.

Tarrant buckles up. Clunk-click every space-trip.

Sue: Does this ship come equipped with air bags as standard?
Me: Yes, although you do have to pay extra if you want the built-in tape deck.

Scorpio blasts off from Terminal and we are treated to another exterior shot of the ship.

Sue: Shit-brown isn’t a great colour for a spaceship. And are those car headlamps? Is the ship going backwards?

Dorian bangs his head on a corrugated box during take-off, which renders him unconscious. He did, however, programme the flight computer to take him home before he copped it, which makes Vila extremely nervous.

Vila: Any friend of Dorian’s is unlikely to be a friend of ours.

Sue laughs her head off at this line while Dayna explores Dorian’s gun cabinet.

Sue: At least they look like proper guns. If you pointed that at someone they wouldn’t go, ‘Eh? What? You want to curl my hair?’

Dorian’s guns have been adapted to fire a wide variety of projectiles.

Sue: They look like printer cartridges to me. If they cost half as much to replace as printer cartridges, they’ll only kill people when they really, really have to.

The ship also comes equipped with its own (non-functioning) teleport system.

Sue: What are the chances of that? Of all the ships they could have ended up on, it had to be one with a talking computer and a teleport thingy. Yeah, right. Like that’s going to happen. Does the spaceship come with its own telepath as well?

The ship is heading for the planet Xenon.

Sue: Aww, I bet Zen would have loved that.

Vila is worried about Dorian’s associates. Dayna reminds him that he’s surrounded by clever associates, too.

Vila: Oh yeah? Name six.
Sue: Seven, surely? Oh fuck it – I don’t care any more; the title of this programme only made sense for a fortnight.

On the planet Xenon, a woman is trying to establish radio contact with Dorian.

Sue: I bet you wish she was a regular character on Blake’s 7, don’t you, Neil? Eh? Eh?

We are told that the spaceship is called Scorpio.

Sue: I don’t like the name. They’ll have to change the name.

And then the ship enters Xenon Base.

Sue: Wow, this is fabulous. It’s like Thunderbirds meets James Bond. It looks amazing. Are these new effects, Neil? Were they added to the DVD later? No? Bloody hell, I’m impressed.

After some gentle prodding, Sue eventually recognises Glynis Barber.

Sue: Either I’m experiencing déjà vu or she’s been in Blake’s 7 before.

I remind her of the conversation we had during ‘Project Avalon’.

Sue: Is she playing the same part? Is she still a space vampire?

Her name is Soolin and she’s the fastest gunslinger in the Western spiral arm of the galaxy. She serves a mean glass of wine, too.

Sue: Do they call her Soo for short?
Me No.
Sue: Oh.

When Dorian leaves his guests to freshen up, he does so with a noticeable limp.

Sue: Either he hurt his leg when he fell over on the ship, or he can’t hold his drink and he’s pissed.

Avon congratulates Dorian for his impeccable taste in wine and women.

Sue: Cally’s corpse isn’t even cold yet and he’s already thinking about another man’s girlfriend. Bloody hell, Avon. Show some respect.

When Dorian pays a visit to the planet’s basement, he appears to have aged considerably.

Sue: What the fuck? I haven’t got a clue what’s happening any more.
Me: Haven’t you worked it out yet, Sue? What other work of fiction features a character named Dorian, who tries to stay young in spite of their age?
Sue: I don’t know. Birds of a Feather?

Vila, Dayna and Tarrant change into some fresh clothes.

Sue: Vila looks like he’s a poster boy for Man at C&A.

The next time we see Dorian, he’s young and virile again.

Sue: Did he cut himself shaving or are his sideburns supposed to look like that?

Vila doesn’t trust a man who keeps his booze under lock and key.

Sue: That must be a clue. If this story doesn’t hinge on a bottle of wine, I’ll eat my hat.
Me: It’s Chekhov’s carafe. And no, that wasn’t a reference to Star Trek, Sue.

Dayna and Tarrant explore the planet’s basement. When they come to a dead-end, Tarrant decides to return to the surface, mainly because he’s worried that Avon will leave without them.

Sue: Still no trust, I see. I don’t understand why they insist on staying together. They should call it a day and split up. Avon should start again from scratch.

Dayna finds a secondary staircase that leads deeper underground. When she reaches the basement, she’s threatened by a monster lurking in the shadows.

Sue: Just run back up the stairs, love.

When her gun refuses to fire, Dayna chucks it at the monster instead.

Sue: I’m beginning to think that they should have ended Blake’s 7 after the last episode, Neil. This is dreadful.

Soolin removed the gun’s cartridges while Avon was bathing.

Sue: Hey! Why didn’t we see that scene? I feel cheated.

While all this is going on, Dorian entertains Avon in his swanky subterranean pad.

Sue: It reminds me of a hotel foyer. And Dorian reminds me of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer – only posher and even more camp. He is very easy on the eye, though.

Dorian has lived for more 200 years.

Sue: I knew it! He’s a space vampire. Glynis Barber bit him on the neck and now he’s a sodding vampire. It all makes sense.

Vila knocks back some more wine. I wish I could join him.

Sue: I’ve got it! The wine isn’t really wine – it’s blood. Cursed blood that turns you into a vampire. Vila’s fucked!

Dorian plans to transform Avon, Tarrant, Dayna and Soolin into a Gestalt entity. Be honest now – who didn’t see that coming?

Sue: This is more supernatural than science fiction. I don’t like it. It’s too far-fetched, even for Blake’s 7.

A monster staggers out of the mist.

Sue: It’s a Sea Devil! What the fuck is a Sea Devil doing in this story, Neil?
Me: That’s one of Blake’s 7’s greatest mysteries, Sue.

She doesn’t fall for it.

Sue: I bet they ran out of money and they had to raid the BBC’s prop cupboard for second-hand monster costumes. Yeah, that explains it. They spent all the money on the new spaceship. The producer should be fired for that.

Avon kills the Sea Devil and Dorian crumbles to dust.

Sue: He’s making a meal out of this. I just don’t care any more. Oh, that special effect was quite good…

Now that Dorian is dead, the Sea Devil reverts to its true form.

Sue: Hang on a minute. That means he must have explored that cave in his pyjamas!

This episode is so ridiculous, Vila promises to stop drinking.

Vila: It’ll be pink asteroids next.
Sue: Only if you steal them from Doctor Who, you cheapskates.

Cue credits.

Sue: Damn it. I was really looking forward to that.
Me: Do you like the new music?
Sue: No, I bloody don’t. It’s lift muzak.
Me: It’s as if Blake’s 7 has won an award, and the house orchestra have struck up an easy listening version of the theme tune as the producer heads to the stage to collect it. That’s what it sounds like to me.
Sue: If Blake’s 7 won an award, Neil, it wouldn’t be for that episode. No, it reminds me of those Top of the Pops records from the seventies. You know, when you couldn’t afford the real thing and you make do with a cheap cover version instead. I don’t like it.
Me: I suppose a dance is out of the question, then?
Sue: What are those three lights leaving the screen supposed to represent?
Me: That’s Blake, Jenna and Cally running in the opposite direction.

The Score

Sue: That was disappointing. It started off OK, but it went downhill as soon as they landed on the planet. I didn’t get that at all. Even Servalan would have been preferable to that. Where is she, anyway?

3/10

Sue: Still, I liked the spaceship, so it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Do they get to keep Dorian’s house as well?
Me: Maybe.
Sue: Does this mean they’ll have to feed the supernatural entity in the basement every week? Is the supernatural entity a member of the crew, now? Is it any good at telepathy?

Blog tagline: Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray.

Glen’s trailer: Glen Allen’s world-famous impression of a continuity announcer.

NOTES: Bruno Tonioli plays the Sea Devil’s human form.

Comment: Sue didn’t recognise Bruno Tonioli as the Sea Devil’s human form??? - Philip Ayres

D2: Power

Writer: Ben Steed
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 5 October 1981
Blogged: 15 July 2014

Sue bloody loves the Scorpio.

Sue: It’s a spaceship that means business. It wouldn’t snap in half if an asteroid slammed into it for a start. I mean, look at it – it’s fantastic!

She’s actually watching the CGI animation that introduces the menu screen on the official DVDs.

Sue: It’s hardly dated at all.

I bring her back down to earth with a bump.

Sue: Well, it just proves that they should remake Blake’s 7 today. I don’t know why they haven’t got around to it yet. What are they waiting for?

The new title sequence, on the other hand, still fails to impress.

Sue: What does the FAC mean?
Me: It means Peter Saville designed the title sequence. Look, Sue, it’s your favourite writer.
Sue: Ben Steed? That name rings a… Oh, fuck.

The episode begins with Vila, Tarrant and Dayna staring at a locked door while some hairy bikers armed with crossbows chase Avon across the surface of Xenon.

Sue: Shit. He’s out of ammo and he’s only fired one shot. Are you sure Hewlett-Packard didn’t supply their guns?
Me: It’s your favourite genre - medieval sci-fi. You love medieval sci-fi, Sue.
Sue: Fuck.
Me: Are you sure you don’t want a whisky? I’ve got plenty.

Dorian’s apartment is connected to Scorpio’s landing bay.

Sue: So Dorian was a bit like John Travolta, then.
Me: What?
Sue: John Travolta built a runway next to his house as well. It’s basically the same thing. Oh, and they both worship supernatural alien beings, of course.

When Avon is captured by the medieval sci-fi bad guys, his teleport bracelet is taken from him and destroyed.

Sue: They’ve gone digital, I see. Well, the straps have gone digital, which is a start, I suppose.

Avon is brought before the leader of the Hommiks.

Sue: Are they supposed to be Saxons?
Me: I think they might be Saxon’s road crew.

The Hommiks’ chief has, to quote Avon, a fetching way with women.

Sue: Here we go again. OK, I’ve changed my mind. Pass me that bottle; I won’t need a glass.
Me: Stop staring at Gunn-Sar’s moobs, Sue.
Sue: Like I have a fucking choice!

Avon tells Gunn-Sar that he was searching for crystals on the planet’s surface when he ran into a wandering band of Hommiks.

Sue: He wants to start his rock collection again. He can’t let it go.

Gunn-Sar doesn’t trust Avon, even if he does smells like a man.

Sue: Old Spice or Brut? What do you reckon, Neil?
Me: Hai Karate. Obviously.

Vila is still trying open the door that leads to the Scorpio’s landing bay when he’s interrupted by a pretty lady in a dress. Damn it, the Steedism is catching. She’s actually a Seska named Pella.

Sue: Vila always manages to pull when he’s on the job.
Me: When he gets his big tool out, the women always come running. I just don’t get it.

Gunn-Sar is still interrogating Avon, but Sue only has eyes for the chief’s wife, Nina.

Sue: Is that Germaine Greer?
Me: I very much doubt it.

When Gunn-Sar threatens to smash Germaine’s face in, calling her a ‘snivelling sack of offal’ in the process, Sue sighs loudly.

Sue: Germaine would have kicked him in the balls for that.

Avon challenges Gunn-Sar to a duel.

Sue: Is it just me or has Avon lost the plot? It’s almost as if he doesn’t give a shit any more. He hasn’t been the same since the series came back. I can’t quite put my finger on it but he’s acting a bit weird.

Pella tells Vila that Dorian used to say a code word every 48 hours to stop a nuclear compression charge from destroying the base.

Sue: There’s a lot to do on that base. Feed the supernatural entity, say a keyword every 48 hours… Hang on a minute… this is fucking Lost!

Avon and Gunn-Sar prepare to fight to the death. Gunn-Sar makes a right pig’s ear out the opening declaration, which amuses Sue - and Avon - no end.

Sue: This is very funny. It is supposed to be a comedy, isn’t it?

When Avon is told to choose a weapon, he chooses a neutron blaster.

Sue: He’s going to do a Han Solo.
Me: What?
Sue: He’s going to shoot the other guy with the sword.
Me: Oh, you mean Indiana Jones.
Sue: Do I? I thought you lot were always banging on about Han Solo shooting first? Now I feel silly.

Gunn-Sar attacks Avon before he’s had a chance to ready himself, but he can’t finish the job.

Sue: How has he survived this long? He’s fucking hopeless.

After a half-arsed fight, which bores Sue senseless, Avon is eventually knocked unconscious.

Pella: The one being held by the Hommiks is called Avon.
Sue: Ooh, sounds painful.

Vila, meanwhile, is still worried about his imminent death.

Sue: Vila is really good in this episode. He’s getting the best lines and he’s actually doing his job for a change. And now they’re talking about a bloody hatch! I’m telling you, Neil, this is Lost!

The Seska are rounded up by the Hommiks. Bags are placed over their heads and metal collars are clamped around their necks.

Sue: You can’t call something sexist just because it features sexist characters and situations, but I think I’ll make an exception for Ben Steed. He’s obsessed. He clearly has some deep-rooted problems with women, which reminds me: Where the hell is Glynis Barber? They mentioned her at the beginning, and then nothing. Did they forget to tell Ben Steed that Soo existed?
Me: Please don’t call her Soo, Sue.

Pella and Avon end up in a cell together. Pella offers to heal Avon’s injuries with some magical ointment.

Sue: I bet Avon points to his groin injury. I wouldn’t put anything past Ben Steed.

Avon and Seska escape, only to find Nina happily working for the Hommiks.

Sue: That’s definitely Germaine Greer.
Me: The resemblance is uncanny. It’s as if casting her was intentional.
Sue: So the Seska are feminists, but all Germaine needs is a proper man to set her straight. Is that it? It is, isn’t it?

Nina isn’t a Seska – she’s a Woman (hear her roar).

Sue: Right, let me get this straight: now that she’s a real woman, she can choose to be a man’s slave. That’s fucking it, isn’t it?

Avon is forced to put Pella in her place. Hang on… Did I just type that?

Sue: Avon likes a little pain. She’ll have to do better than that. This is an average Saturday night for Avon.

Despite Pella’s best efforts, Avon keeps coming back for more. And that’s because a man’s strength will always be greater than a woman’s.

Avon: Unfair, perhaps, but biologically unavoidable.
Sue: Avon obviously hasn’t met you, Neil.

They snog.

Sue is momentarily lost for words.

Me: It’s the same reason women don’t play five sets at Wimbledon… Ouch! That fucking hurt!

And then Sue goes off on one:

Sue: There’s no excuse for this. It’s the eighties! I just can’t accept that. Oh, the chief is doing some needlework, now. OK, now I’m really confused.

Nina and Gunn-Sar are actually happily married, and all the wife beating is just for show.

Sue: I think they really love each other. He’s just pretending to be a macho dickhead, because he’s as soft as shit underneath. Hmm… I think I may have jumped to a massive conclusion about this episode. In fact, Vila – who is also a man (sort of) – is the weakest character by far, in a way. So what does that say about the men, eh?

Avon kills a Hommik with a crossbow, right in the middle of a conversation.

Sue: I know Avon’s gone a bit crazy over the last couple of episodes, but what the hell did he do that for?

It was Pella who pulled the trigger. With the power of her mind.

Sue: She’s got the Force.

I swear to God, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Sue has seen Star Wars.

Pella drops a keyboard on Avon’s head.

Sue: Ooh, slow motion!
Me: That’s Paul Darrow acting, love.
Sue: I shouldn’t laugh, but that was hilarious.

Gunn-Sar is relaxing at home when he’s interrupted by more unwelcome visitors. Before we know it, Dayna has challenged him to a duel.

Pella: The black woman must win.
Sue: As opposed to the white woman standing next to her, you mean? Oh wait, there isn’t one. What the fuck?

As Dayna and Gunn-Sar fight to the death, the Hommiks encourage their leader to get stuck in.

Sue: They sound like Chas and Dave. One of them just shouted, ‘Gertcha!’ I’m sure of it.

With the help of the Seskas’ telekinesis, Dayna kills Gunn-Sar before he can kill her. Nina mourns for her dead husband, at which point Sue makes the most inappropriate comment imaginable:

Sue: Germaine Greer’s costume would make for one hell of a cosplay outfit.
Me: How the hell do you know about cosplay?

Nina wants to leave this world behind so she can start afresh in a new one.

Sue: A world where men and women are equal, and you don’t have to melt your metallic bra or write a book to prove it.

Meanwhile, back on Xenon Base, time is running out.

Sue: Forget all that. Where the hell is Glynis Barber?

The Seskas arrive, offering help. Unfortunately, there are only two of them left.

Pella: Last week we were five.
Me: As much as five? That’s practically a city in Blake’s 7.
Sue: One of them will join the crew. They need someone who can do things with their mind to replace Cally. They could take both of them, I suppose, but that would mean no Glynis Barber, so one of them will have to die. At least we’ll have some equality on the ship: three men, three women and a computer. Perfect.

Avon returns to the base just in time to tell everyone that Pella intends to steal the Scorpio from under their noses.

Sue: In that case, the other one will have to join the crew.

Pella threatens to kill Dayna if Avon doesn’t cooperate; Avon suggests that Dayna is an interesting choice of hostage.

Sue: That means she fancies Avon. She’s jealous of Dayna because she’s a threat to her, just in case you didn’t get that, Neil.

Pella shoots her fellow Seska and escapes in the Scorpio.

Sue: I bet you anything Soolin is on the ship. She’s been there all the time. She’ll sort it out.

Orac tracks the Scorpio as it leaves Xenon Base. Orac has even managed to hack into the ship’s computer, Slave.

Sue: This definitely reminds me of Thunderbirds, what with the secret base and everything.
Me: And the computer that sounds like Parker.
Sue: If Parker was a Brummie.

With Orac’s help, Avon successfully teleports to the ship.

Sue: I don’t know if I like the new teleport effect or not. It’s a lot more Star Trek than the last one. It looks like a sparkly tumble dryer.

Avon shoots Seska dead.

Sue: No remorse whatsoever. Avon’s a lot colder this series, if that’s possible.

And then he delivers Ben Steed’s message to the masses:

Avon: You can have war between races, war between cultures, war between planets. But once you have war between the sexes, you eventually run out of people.
Sue: Is Ben Steed trying to say that we should work together as equals, do you think? Is he saying that we should smash the glass ceiling and create a new utopia where we don’t have to follow prescribed gender roles? If you want to do needlework, do needlework, man!
Me: I think he’s telling the feminists to get back in the kitchen where they belong. But what do I know? I’m a Hommik.

Dayna and Tarrant teleport to the Scorpio.

Sue: Can they only teleport two people at a time? It will be interesting when they have to escape in the nick of time and there’s five of them stuck on a planet.

They are immediately followed by Vila and Soolin.

Sue: About bloody time! Where the hell has she been hiding all this time? And, more importantly, who’s going back for Orac?
Me: Orac stays at home and answers the phone.
Sue: It’s a shame that he can’t hoover and dust while they’re out doing whatever it is they’re going to do this series.

Soolin has the skills to pay the bills.

Sue: So she’s the ship’s gunslinger?
Me: Looks like it.
Sue: But we’ve already got one of those. Her name’s Dayna. And you can put your tongue back in now, Neil.
Me: Oh, so you can lust after Avon every bloody week but I can’t… erm… never mind.
Sue: Let’s not fall out over it. Didn’t Ben Steed teach us anything?

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: I enjoyed that. Why are you looking at me like that, Neil?
Me: But -
Sue: I’m no expert, but you could probably read that as a feminist text, if you squinted at it really, really hard.
Me: Are you taking the piss?
Sue: No. It’s definitely more complicated that it first appears. I think. And it was very funny and quite exciting – especially the idea of the base about to explode at any moment. Even Vila was pretty good in that one. Yes, I enjoyed it, although the whisky probably helped.

7/10

Yes, that’s a SEVEN. If you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.

Sue: I should probably watch it again to work out what it was trying to say, but we both know that’s never going to happen, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.

Blog tagline: This Woman’s Work.

Glen’s trailer: ‘It’s the homos versus the sex kittens…’

NOTES: The closest we ever came to divorcing.

Comment: A seven? Really? ‘Power’ is my least favourite episode of the entire run. Blimey, does that mean I have to watch it again in protest? - Ade Jacobs

D3: Traitor

Writer: Robert Holmes
Director: David Sullivan Proudfoot
Broadcast: 12 October 1981
Blogged: 25 July 2014

Sue: Robert Holmes. Thank God for that. I wonder which one of them will turn out to be the traitor. My money’s on Vila.

On the planet Helotrix, a Federation Colonel named Quute interrogates an insurrectionist named Igin.

Sue: Travis is alive and he’s got a brand new face!

I break it to her that Christopher Neame wasn’t cast as Travis Mark III, although that would have been effing brilliant.

Sue: Why are the Federation obsessed with eye patches? They must think they’re pirates or something… He’s very camp. I like the way he wiggles the tassels on his jacket like he’s an evil majorette. And what in God’s name is he doing with his lips?

Sue doesn’t recognise Christopher Neame from ‘Shada’ or (and this is even worse) Babylon 5.

Me: ‘Why did the Minbari surrender at the Battle of the Line?’ No? Oh, come on, Sue, you must remember. He’s Christopher Neame!
Sue: Did he give birth to the blonde one from Peep Show? Because he looks just like him.

Thanks to Dudley Simpson’s incidental music, Sue is vaguely disappointed when the rebels don’t turn out to be French.

Sue: I keep expecting them to break into song. I feel like I’m watching a science fiction sequel to Les Mis.

At least the location gets the thumbs up.

Sue: All the planets were beginning to look the same to me, but this one is weird enough to be truly alien. I really like it.

Meanwhile, back on the Scorpio, Avon says he’s tired of running away.

Sue: How does he know he’s still a wanted man? Servalan is supposed to be dead, the Federation have had a big war, so most of their records were probably destroyed, and they certainly haven’t got a ship that’s worth stealing any more. I mean, has anyone come looking for them recently? Avon could just change his name and move somewhere quiet if he really wanted to. What trouble could he possibly cause? And why would he bother, anyway? In fact, why would any of them bother?

Back on Helotrix, Colonel Quute plays chess as he casually wipes Igin off the face of the planet.

Sue: That rebel was just a pawn in his game, right? And they’re playing chess, right? Can you see what they did there, Neil? Can you? Can you? ….(sighing) Are you sure this was written by the Robert Holmes?

A little later, Quute entertains a Federation General (Roger Federer’s mad uncle, according to Sue) in the same location.

Sue: So they eat, drink, play chess and kill people in the same room. Does he sleep in there when his shift is over? Has he got a sofa bed tucked away somewhere?

The Federation aren’t the only ones who’ve had to downsize.

Sue: At least the Liberator had more than one set. They’ve just rammed everything into one location to save money, haven’t they? And now they’ve realised that it’s impossible for the cast to speak to each other when they’re all facing in the same direction, so they’ve had to cobble this ridiculous shot together. It looks weird.
Me: I did say this two weeks ago.
Sue: And is Soolin paid to lounge around looking pretty? Because she’s done sod all so far.

When Avon discovers that Orac has delegated the problem of upgrading the Scorpio’s engines to another computer, he laughs maniacally.

Sue: It’s official: Avon has completely lost the plot.

Back on Helotrix, the rebels’ leader, Major Hunda, is preparing to launch an assault on the Federation.

Sue: I’m sorry, Neil, but this is really boring. I expected a lot more from Robert Holmes. It’s just people talking about stuff that I don’t care about or understand. ‘Blah-blah-blah-Magnowhatsit-Terminal-blah-blah-blah.’ It’s rubbish!

We are then introduced to Leitz, who has been sent to the planet by Commissioner Sleer to be the President-Elect Practor’s liaison officer. Did you get all that, because I’m pretty sure Sue didn’t.

Sue: He’s a cross between Nick Cave and the bad guy from The Matrix films. I don’t trust him, and I don’t understand his job description, either.

Leitz, General Federer and President-Elect Practor discuss the problem of the rebels and how best to deal with them.

Sue: Yak-yak-bloody-yak. With Robert Holmes you usually get some decent lines but this is tedious, Neil.

Hunda swims into the city under the cover of night.

Sue: All because the Federation love Milk Tray.

Oh, and Sue’s love affair with the Scorpio is now well and truly over.

Sue: I’ve suddenly realised what it reminds me of: it’s the Millennium Falcon crossed with the big spaceship at the start of the film – the one Darth Vader flies around in – except it’s really, really slow.

Dayna and Tarrant teleport to the surface of Helotrix and immediately lose contact with the ship. Slave blames an audio malfunction.

Sue: The name Slave makes me feel uncomfortable. They should change it.
Me: Really? What would you suggest?
Sue: Zennie. The kids would have loved that.
Me: This is supposed to be an adult drama, Sue.
Sue: Oh yeah. I forgot. Anyway, I don’t like him. He’s too mechanical, he’s too subservient and he isn’t Zen. Plus you can’t call a cat Slave – that would be ridiculous. Which reminds me: Tarrant let me stroke him the other day.

The President-Elect is shown to his quarters, where a painting of the Supreme Empress hangs on one of its walls.

Sue: The only surprising thing about that is it took this long for Servalan to show up again.
Me: It’s only a painting, Sue.
Sue: Of course it is, Neil. You must think that I’m stupid.

On Helotrix’s surface, a strangely familiar voice orders the planet’s citizens to assemble at the city’s concourse.

Sue: What were all those people doing out there in the first place? Were they having a fag break? That would explain the smoke, I suppose. And why is Orac telling them what to do? Is Orac the traitor? That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Hunda’s army battle against some ‘adapted’ Helots.

Sue: I like their guns. They’re a cross between shotguns and lasers. They’re the best guns we’ve seen in Blake’s 7 so far. Everyone should have one.

Twenty minutes later…

Sue: Yes, this is a very nice location for a fight, but I’m losing the will to live. Oh look, a soldier just fell into a pond. How many is that now? Fifty? And do you know what? I can tell you that it wasn’t Stuart Fell who fell into it. That’s what you’ve done to me, Neil – I always know when Stuart Fell falls. And these stunts aren’t in the same league.

The Helots are no match for the rebels.

Sue: They walk straight towards you like zombies, and you don’t even have to shoot them in the head. They’re a piece of piss!

The Helots are swiftly dealt with.

Sue: That was the best part of the episode so far, and that’s only because they’ve stopped talking.

Meanwhile, Avon is fiddling with the Scorpio’s teleport systems.

Sue: That’s definitely a sonic screwdriver he’s using there. I bet he sat by his phone waiting for his agent to call when Tom Baker left. He would have been perfect.
Me: Better than Peter Davison?
Sue: Peter Davison could have been Paul Darrow’s companion. Just imagine that…

When a Federation guard pacifies another Helot, the poor sod is left with a creepy grin on his face.

Sue: The Federation’s new weapon is great if they want to create an army of spaced-out morons. They’ll probably have to solve the ‘munchies’ problem first, though.

Avon refuses to leave Tarrant and Dayna to their fate, which prompts a visibly annoyed Vila to suggest that Blake would have been proud of him.

Sue: Vila’s got a point. Avon is just as crazy as Blake used to be, if not more so. At least Blake had a reason to fight the Federation, after everything they did to him. I don’t see what Avon is getting out of this. He should be out robbing banks.

A mysterious figure kills the President-Elect in cold blood.

Sue: It’s Servalan. Why are they trying to hide it? WHO ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?

Tarrant disguises himself as a Helot.

Sue: He looks like he’s raided Avon’s wardrobe. If they both start wearing black leather, I don’t think my heart will be able to take it.
Me: Are you telling me that you fancy Steven Pacey as well?
Sue: Erm… He’s… erm… Well… erm… Yes.

It appears that Leitz has been helping the rebels all along.

Sue: OK, so he’s the traitor. Is that it, then? Is it over now?

Leitz insists that the insurgents storm the city via an abandoned monorail system.

Sue: I bet he’s a double-traitor. It’s so obvious I can barely keep my eyes open.

Meanwhile, a computer has hacked into the Federation’s database and set off all the alarms.

Sue: This is what happens when you sub-contract. The real Orac would have covered his tracks better than that. That’ll teach him to be so unhelpful.

Leitz confers with a mysterious, gravely voice over an intercom system.

Sue: It’s obviously Servalan, even if it does sound like she’s underwater. Maybe she’s in the bath?

Sue still isn’t sure about Leitz.

Sue: Maybe he’s a triple-traitor…
Me: Wouldn’t that bring him back to just being a traitor?
Sue: I’m over-thinking this, aren’t I? Sorry, I’m bored. It’s taken them ages just to get to this point. How much more of this is there?

Tarrant and Dayna have found a mad professor in a wheelchair, which certainly livens things up a bit.

Sue: It’s a shit Davros.
Me: Mein Führer! I can walk!

The man’s name is Forbus and he has a score to settle with the Federation.

Sue: He’s even trying to do the Davros voice. It’s embarrassing.

The first chance he gets, Forbus plans to blow himself and Commissioner Sleer to bits.

Sue: It’s a bit like Breaking Bad. He’s going to blow himself up with explosives hidden in his wheelchair, taking out the bad guy at the same time. Oh, and there are some drugs in it as well. Yeah, it’s pretty much exactly the same plot.

Avon wants to take the Scorpio below cloud level to avoid detection. Vila protests.

Sue: We’ve seen this a million times before. I’m bored with this dynamic. Why can’t they just act like they actually enjoy each other’s company? Why does everything have to end in a row?

Commissioner Sleer shows her face. Have you guessed who it is yet?

Sue: I’m almost received to see her. I think I’ve got Stockholm syndrome.

Tarrant and Hunda fight the Federation.

Sue: This is pretty bad. The fight, the wobbly scenery, the music, the fake rocks, the fact that it’s on video instead of film, the music… Did I mention the music? Blake’s 7 is better than this, Neil. This is shit.

Avon learns that Servalan is still alive.

Sue: Don’t put this on the blog, Neil, but Avon’s definitely getting a stiffy as it dawns on him that she’s still out there, waiting for him.

Servalan ruthlessly dispenses with Forbus.

Sue: She looks like she’s on her way to a Goth disco.
Me: She looks like she’s dressed as a crow.

Leitz threatens to reveal Servalan’s terrible secret unless she gives him what he wants.

Sue: How is it possible that people wouldn’t recognise her? She was the fucking President of the Galaxy, not some faceless backbencher. She ruled planet Earth, for God’s sake. She must have been one of the most famous people who ever lived. If she really wants to pretend to be somebody else, she should grow her hair and stop dressing like a fucking Diva.

Servalan and Leitz kiss, but before Leitz can catch his breath, Servalan stabs him in the back. Literally.

Sue: What is it with this show and violent snogging? It happens all the time. One minute you are snogging somebody’s face off, the next minute you are lying in a heap on the floor.

Avon is secretly pleased that his arch-nemesis didn’t die on the Liberator. Mainly because he wants to kill her himself.

Sue: After he’s snogged her, of course.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: Well, that was shit. Worse than that, it was boring shit. I’m surprised Robert Holmes put his name on that crap. What else do you want me to say? It was shit… Oh no!
Me: What is it?
Sue: (pointing at the credits) I used to know the Production Manager – Rosie Crowson! She taught me everything I know about TV production. She was lovely. Oh God, I hope she doesn’t read this.

2/10

Sue: The only good thing about that episode was Servalan. That’s how bad it was. At least it gives Avon something to do, I suppose. Now, if only they could do the same thing for Soolin. Oh, and the location was very nice. Rosie would have been responsible for that.

Blog tagline: Everything’s Rosie.

Glen’s trailer: ‘You’ll never guess who it is in a million years…’

NOTES: Rosie Crowson taught Sue everything she knows about TV production at a Media Training School in Newcastle-upon-Tyne in the early 1990s. Sue says it was one of the best years of her life.

Comment: I like the way the teleport gives Dayna and Tarrant their original clothes back at the end. - Licence

D4: Stardrive

Writer: James Follett
Director: David Sullivan Proudfoot
Broadcast: 19 October 1981
Blogged: 28 July 2014

We watched this episode straight after ‘Traitor’. I think we both knew that if we didn’t keep going it would have taken a few weeks for us to pluck up enough courage to return to the task at hand.

Oh, and we watched this double-bill on our 15th wedding anniversary. I am a very bad man.

Sue: I’ve got a Star Driver. It’s a screwdriver made by Philips. It’s got a star-shaped head and it’s fucking brilliant. Sorry, Neil, I’m rambling…

The Scorpio roars into shot, a bit like the Star Destroyer at the beginning of Star Wars. Only smaller. And slower. And browner.

Sue: Why don’t they just put some writing on the fucking screen and be done with it?

The crew are on a mission.

Sue: Soolin is a very bonny girl, but she’s completely wasted in this. I don’t see the point of her. At least Cally got taken over by aliens every week. I can’t believe I actually miss that.
Me: Soolin is one of the few things I remember from this period of the show, so she must be important later on.
Sue: Oh, I wouldn’t bet on it. Like I said, she’s a very bonny lass. I think she’s done more than enough to lodge herself in your brain, Neil.

Maybe watching two episodes of Blake’s 7 back-to-back was a mistake, after all.

Sue: Do you know what really annoys me? It’s the part of the set they haven’t glued down properly. It’s been doing my head in for ages and they still haven’t fixed it. Look at it! They need some hot glue – it would only take them a few minutes to sort it out. It drives me crazy.
Me: Rosie should have spotted that.
Sue: Did Rosie work on this episode? Oh well, at least the location will be nice.

Avon wants to sneak up on an asteroid so he can use it to shield the ship from the Federation’s prying eyes. Yes, this plan is as crazy as it sounds.

Sue: Just because Avon has a Millennium Falcon doesn’t mean he can fly it like Hans Solo (sic). What’s he playing at?

As if to prove her point, the Scorpio slams straight into the asteroid.

Sue: (laughing) They should have been blown to bits! What a farce. Avon has gone completely mad. I don’t know how I feel about Avon any more. Even his hair has lost the plot.
Me: Don’t worry. There’s always Tarrant.
Sue: I admit it, he’s grown on me. I think it was the documentary that finally swung it. He’s a really nice bloke.

(She’s referring to Kevin Jon Davies’ brilliant series of Blake’s 7 documentaries, which were released on YouTube while the blog was running. Thanks Kevin.)

Avon orders the crew to check the ship’s systems for damage.

Sue: I don’t think Avon is in a position to give any orders after that fiasco. Put Tarrant in charge. Or give the work experience girl a chance. You never know, she might actually be good at something.

The Scorpio is left with a whacking great hole in its hull.

Sue: Thank God they didn’t try that manoeuvre with the Liberator – they wouldn’t have stood a chance.

Vila staggers onto the flight deck, drunk as a skunk, and makes a play for Soolin.

Sue: Vila is a walking sexual harassment case. Even the theme music is creepy. It’s the ‘Creepy Sexual Predator’ version of the theme tune. At least you know that I’ll never fancy Vila, Neil. I’d rather sleep with Orac.

Their predicament reminds Vila of the time an asteroid hit a penal colony transport he was travelling on. The crew fixed the problem by generating an atmosphere inside its force wall, and Avon quickly seizes upon this as a possible solution to his own ineptitude.

Me: Avon only loves Vila when he’s drunk.
Sue: I love the way he doesn’t even bother to thank him.

If only they hadn’t left Orac back at home.

Sue: Can’t they get him on the phone and ask his advice? And does this mean they have fly home again when it’s past their bed time? That’s a bit limiting. And what are they trying to achieve this week, anyway?
Me: They’re searching for crystals to turn into fuel.
Sue: I expect this is the closest I’ll get to any crystals on our crystal anniversary.
Me: Yeah, I planned this in advance. Happy anniversary, Sue.
Sue: How romantic.
Me: Give it rest, love. I wrote a book about how bloody lovely you are. (Still available from all good bookshops, by the way.) What more do you want?
Sue: There’s only so many times you can use that line, Neil, and it expired about six months ago.

Vila was only pretending to be drunk, so Avon wouldn’t ask him to volunteer for the really dangerous bit.

Sue: Clever Vila. He has his moments. When he’s not being a lecherous sex pest, obviously.

Tarrant and Avon head to the main drive chamber to fix the hole.

Sue: It’s pretty good, this. It’s a massive improvement on the last episode. This is what I want to see: Tarrant and Avon fixing stuff.

Avon seals the breach with a hand-held tool.

Sue: Now that’s what I call a glue gun. Now take it back to the bridge and fix the set.

While they’re waiting for their hole to cool down, the Scorpio runs into a routine Federation patrol.

Sue: Thank God for that. I was beginning to worry that they didn’t have a window to look out of. It’s tiny but better than nothing, I suppose. God, I miss Zen.

Avon suggests that they record the enemy ships’ movements. As luck would have it, as soon as they hit the record button, the ships mysteriously explode.

Sue: They should put that on YouTube. It would probably go viral.

The Scorpio returns to Xenon Base.

Sue: Not only are they ripping-off the spaceships from Star Wars, now they’re ripping-off the fucking wipes as well. Have they no shame?

There’s something strange about the video footage of the exploding pursuit ships, but Orac won’t say what it is.

Sue: Threaten to drop him in a bath. That should loosen his tongue. I don’t know why they put up with him, I really don’t. At first, I didn’t understand why they left him at home – shouldn’t they take Orac with them wherever they go, just in case? But I wasn’t thinking straight. They can’t bear to be in the same room as him. It. Whatever. You can’t blame them.

Thanks to Orac’s stubbornness, the crew have to check the video footage, frame by agonising frame.

Sue: Fuck me! Soolin just pressed a button. That’s the most exciting thing she’s done in four episodes. Hallelujah!

The recording reveals a Space Chopper speeding past the pursuit ships just before they explode.

Sue: I had a Raleigh Chopper. It was orange and I loved it to bits. Gary gave it to me – it must have been a hand-me-down. He could do no wrong in my eyes for a whole week after that.

Avon suspects that the Chopper must have been fitted with a new form of main drive unit.

Sue: That’s handy. That’s just what they need to turn their rubbish spaceship into something half-decent. They may as well have put an advert in the paper.

They zoom into the pilot’s helmet.

Sue: Now that’s what I call HD!

It’s a Space Rat. Vila warns everyone that the Space Rats are obsessed with speed.

Sue: Is that speed-speed or speed-speed?
Me: Both, I think. It’s been 33 years seen I’ve seen this. And it’ll be another 33 years before I see it again – and when I do, it’ll be the Alzheimer’s kicking in.
Sue: I’ve seen a lot worse. About thirty minutes ago to be precise.

Soolin offers to turn the ship’s lights back on.

Sue: Calm down, love. You don’t want to overdo it.

Avon asks Dayna to accompany Vila to Caspar, planet of the Space Rats.

Sue: Oh, come on! Send Soolin instead. Let’s see what she’s made of.

Dayna and Vila teleport to Caspar. Dayna arrives in one piece, but Vila ends up stuck on a rock formation.

Sue: Soolin can’t even work the teleport properly. I’m sorry, Neil, but besides from looking pretty, she’s fucking useless.

The Space Rats are heading towards the same rock formation.

Sue: Oh, I get it. It’s Mad Max on tricycles. I can see where they’re going with this. It’s Star Wars meets Mad Max meets Star Trek. I like it.

In a high-tech laboratory on Caspar – which has a lovely tiled floor, according to Sue – Dr Plaxton is developing a new space drive with a little help from her friends.

Sue: It looks like they’ve employed two punk rockers on a YTS scheme. Could this episode be any more eighties?

But the Space Rats have an attitude problem, and they are ordered to leave.

Sue: Don’t forget to duck on your way out the door. Your hair will snap in half if you don’t.

The Space Rats’ leader is a crazy loon named Atlan.

Sue: He’s basically Gary Glitter crossed with Gene Simmons and Sid Vicious.
Me: Does he want some jalapeños with that lizard he’s eating?
Sue: I’ve seen that sofa before. They can cover it up as much as they like, but I never forget a sofa.

Vila and Dayna find the entrance to the Space Rats’ base.

Sue: I’m sorry, Rosie, but this location isn’t really doing it for me. We’ve seen this a million times before: a desolate shit hole on a windy day, with a whacking great door in side of a cliff. It’s boring.

Avon, Tarrant and Soolin have also arrived on Caspar.

Sue: Finally! Soolin’s left the ship!

Our heroes survey the planet’s surface.

Sue: They look like they’re posing for an album cover. Was this episode directed by Anton Corbijn?

Avon, Soolin and Tarrant strike a pose in a shallow valley. If only they could find some Joshua trees to stand next to.

Sue: What a bunch of poseurs! It doesn’t even make any tactical sense. They are standing around in the open!

Five minutes later…

Sue: How long is this going to go on for? This location isn’t interesting enough to dwell on it. I’m sorry, Rosie, but it isn’t.

There’s still enough time for one more pose.

Sue: Get a fucking move on!

Dayna and Vila are captured by the Space Rats. Avon watches as his colleagues are escorted through an adjacent door in a cliff.

Sue: I don’t believe it. They’re posing for another album cover! This is hilarious.

Atlan threatens Plaxton with a game of tonsil tennis if she doesn’t complete her new space drive.

Sue: More violent kissing. This series must have put Blake’s 7 fans off kissing for life.

(You can insert your own joke here, if you like.)

Dayna battles the Space Rats. She gives as good as she gets, but she’s eventually thwarted by a crafty bum-bump. Watch it again if you don’t believe me.

Sue: I bet that’s the most action that sofa’s ever seen.

Avon, Soolin and Tarrant are still trekking across the surface of Caspar.

Sue: Just one more shot, darling, before we lose what’s left of the light. That’s it, Tarrant, stick your leg out a bit more. Cock your hip, Soolin. That’s it. Lovely.
Me: That’s the back of the 12-inch sorted.

Plaxton’s Stardrive can reach speeds of 15!

Sue: Fuck me, even I know that’s fast.

Oh, and Atlan isn’t a Space Rat after all. No siree! Not that it makes a blind bit of difference.

Sue: His hair is as fake as his accent. He looks like he’s just stumbled out of a face-painting tent at a village fete.
Me: A face-paining tent on the border between Switzerland and Mexico, by the sound of it.

Plaxton’s Stardrive has been designed to work in a proper spaceship, not in a toy driven by a murderous psychopath.

Sue: It’s perfect for a large ship driven by a bunch of murderous psychopaths, though. Ta very much. So far, this series is basically one long episode of Pimp My Ride. First they had to get the teleport working, then they had to fix the stereo, and now they’re going to upgrade the engine. They’ll have Go-Faster Stripes and a new spoiler by the end of it.

Vila and Dayna are introduced to Atlan. He tells his Space Rats to ‘bend them’.

Sue: Bend them? Did he just say ‘bend them?’ It’s difficult to tell with that accent. Nah, he couldn’t have said that…

Tarrant burns a hole through the garage’s adjoining wall.

Sue: They could use this shot of Tarrant for the limited edition picture disc, I suppose.

Atlan is oblivious to Tarrant’s rear entry.

Sue: This is a bit stupid. I’d like to think that if someone was burning a hole in the wall behind me, I’d notice the fucking smell. God, he’s so thick.

Just when we think that everything’s under control, Atlan takes Soolin hostage and facilitates his escape.

Sue: I’ve changed my mind. She should’ve stayed on the ship.

Plaxton wants to do a runner with Avon.

Sue: She could be their engineer. Yeah, she could be their posh Scotty.

Our heroes hijack an eight-wheeled dune buggy.

Sue: Do you remember the Banana Splits, Neil?
Me: Yes. Why do you ask?
Sue: No reason.

Soolin holds the Space Rats at bay with some impressive gunslinging.

Sue: Thank God for that. I was beginning to worry that Soolin was all mouth and no trouser suit.

The gang escape in the buggy with the Rats in hot pursuit.

Sue: You can see what they are trying to do – Mad Max in space. And it is quite exciting, if I’m honest.

Avon sets off some mines, which causes the Space Rats to tumble off their bikes.

Sue: Finally! Avon is cool again. Well, as cool as he can be with hair like that.

When they eventually reach the Scorpio/Millennium Falcon, Avon takes a roll call:

Avon: Dayna?
Dayna: Check!
Avon: Vila?
Vila: Check!
Avon: Soolin?
Soolin: Check!
Avon: Tarrant?
Tarrant: Check!
Me: Blake? Shit, no wait, he’s dead.
Sue: Cally? Shit. Damn it.
Me: Gan? Oh, fuck it.
Sue: John-Boy?

Unfortunately, Slave has some bad news for them: Federation ships are heading their way.

Sue: Slave reminds me of C-3P0. He was an arse-licker as well.

Dr Plaxton says it will take her 50-minutes to attach the Stardrive to the ship.

Sue: Sorry, pet, but you’ll have to do it in five!

Avon programmes the main drive circuit to kick in as soon as the doctor makes the final connection. Dayna reminds him that this will kill Dr Plaxton instantly, but Avon says she’s dead either way.

Sue: You can’t kill Scotty! You ungrateful…

Dr Plaxton makes the connection, the ship’s Stardrive kicks in, and the poor woman bites the dust.

Sue: Ooh, that’s evil.

At least the Scorpio can do the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs now.

Dayna: What about Dr. Plaxton?
Avon and Sue: Who?

Cue credits.

Sue: (laughing) What a cunt!

The Score

Sue: That was more like it. I really enjoyed that. Things happened. Compared to the last one, it was a rollercoaster ride of non-stop excitement. Yes, it was a bit silly – especially the bad guy – and the best bits were cheap knock-offs of other things I’ve seen, but at least they tried to make it entertaining. Even the album cover moments made me laugh. Give me stupid nonsense like that any day of the week.

8/10

Me: Have you lost your mind?
Sue: No. Shall we watch another one?
Me: That settles it. You have lost your mind.

Don’t worry. We didn’t.

Blog tagline: Mad Max Factor.

Glen’s trailer: ‘Orac is particulary prissy this episode…’

NOTES: Yes, it’s the sofa from ‘The Robots of Death’.

That week’s online protest against Sue’s score was lots of fun, and I got a great deal off my chest.

A few fans believe that Avon’s final line is a reference to Doctor Who, but that’s just stupid.

Comment: It’s The Goodies does Clockwork Orange. - Andy Luke

D5: Animals

Writer: Allan Prior
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 26 October 1981
Blogged: 30 July 2014

Sue: I hope Pink Floyd do the music.

This episode begins with Tarrant ferrying Dayna to a planet called Bucol Two so she can visit an old teacher (and I do mean old).

Tarrant: Will he remember you?
Dayna: I should hope so.

Dayna smiles knowingly and I tut loudly.

Sue: What’s wrong?
Me: What’s wrong? Dayna is supposed to be sixteen, or thereabouts, I think, so she was even younger when she made a big impression on her teacher, if you know what I mean.
Sue: Don’t be so bad-minded, Neil. Maybe Dayna was an A-star student, and that’s why her teacher will remember her. Don’t be so quick to judge.

Dayna teleports to the planet and immediately encounters a strange creature covered in fur.

Sue: It’s a cross between a Yeti and a hatstand. Is that her teacher? Does he train all the local Jedi?

The Scorpio is ambushed by Federation pursuit ships.

Sue: It’s absolutely fine. Tarrant can outrun them with his super-duper new engine.

The Scorpio is hit by a plasma bolt.

Sue: Oh.

Dayna, meanwhile, is completely surrounded by small furry animals.

Sue: They’re cute. They look like horny Ewoks.

Dayna shoots one of them in the face.

Sue: What the fuck? What did she do that for? He only wanted a cuddle!

The Scorpio is hit several times and Tarrant is lucky to escape with his life.

Sue: Avon is going to be furious when he finds out. They only just got the bloody thing to work! If only Slave had spotted those ships a little earlier. They need better radar. That’s their next upgrade – better radar.

Dayna is chased around the planet by the titular animals.

Sue: Stop fucking killing them!

She’s rescued by a man in his early fifties. His name is Justin.

Sue: Justin time! Sorry. I won’t do that again, I promise.

Justin is extremely pleased to see Dayna.

Justin: My little pupil Dayna, lovelier than ever.
Sue: Er… I beg your pardon?
Me: I did try to warn you, Sue. I’m really sorry about this, but this is going to get very rough, very soon. Why do you think I’m cradling this bottle of Jim Beam? Here, do you want some?
Sue: No, that would be cheating.
Justin: You look quite beautiful…
Sue: Oh my God, this is really dodgy.
Dayna: I think it’s disgusting.
Sue: Join the fucking club!

Dayna isn’t referring to Justin’s advances. Oh no. She’s actually talking about her mentor’s experiments on some animals he’s bred – the loon! – the most intelligent of which is a wee beastie called Og.

Sue: What kind of name is Og? Is he taking the piss?

Dayna tells Justin all about her gang, and how they are currently scouring the galaxy, recruiting experts to help them in their never-ending war against the Federation.

Sue: That’s news to me. When was that decided?

But Justin doesn’t want to join a rag-tag band of terrorists. In fact, he’d prefer it if Dayna stayed with him instead.

Sue: Call the police! Or Operation Yewtree! Anybody!

Oh look, it’s Commissioner Servalan Sleer…

Sue: What happened to her giant space crocodile? Her new spaceship looks like a Bingo hall.

A Federation captain provides her with a classified report on Bucol Two.

Sue: How can he possibly read that thing? It’s just shapes! And why is Servalan fondling a thermostat? Why is she even in this episode? Still, things must be bad, because I’m sure this is the first time I’ve ever seen her wear the same thing twice.

Back on Bucol Two, the animals are revolting.

Sue: I feel sorry for them. They’re bloody terrible singers, though.

And Justin is still trying to get into Dayna’s pants.

Sue: Oh, for God’s sake. Stop it!

There was a time when the Federation wanted to employ Justin’s animals as shock troops.

Sue: The enemy would get a shock all right. And then they’d all die laughing. This is preposterous, Neil.
Justin: Those animals can go into any of the devastated sectors of the war zone and the radiation won’t kill them. They can work on simple projects already.
Sue: Now if only we could get them to stop flinging their own shit at each other, they’d be brilliant.

Justin’s work is almost complete.

Sue: Never trust a man with thin lips. And his top lip is so thin, it’s practically invisible.

Tarrant limps back to Xenon Base in a battered and bruised Scorpio.

Sue: This is the last time Avon gives Tarrant the keys to the car. He’ll ground him for this.

Sue used to be a hairdresser, which probably explains why she’s drawn to the sculptured hairstyles which seem to be all the rage within the Federation’s ranks.

Sue: That’s one hell of a graduated bob. Is that what all the fashionable vampires are wearing these days - graduated bobs?
Me: I don’t even know what that means.
Sue: Is Servalan still pretending to be someone else?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Why?
Me: Fuck knows.
Sue: But it’s ridiculous. It would be like Margaret Thatcher faking her own death and coming back as Mrs Hatcher, hoping that no one would notice as she became Prime Minister again. She hasn’t even dyed her hair!

Justin bitterly regrets turning a bunch of Federation deserters into a bunch of furry animals with silly names.

Me: Those animals are the least of your crimes, mate.

When Justin says he wants Dayna all to himself, Dayna breaks into a huge, self-satisfied grin. Which is weird because you’d think she’d throw up instead.

Sue: What the fuck?

Servalan arranges a meeting with Ardus, an ex-Federation officer who lost both his eyes during the war.

Sue: He’d have to be blind to leave the house wearing a pair of glasses like that.

I pause the DVD.

Me: Don’t you recognise him? I’ll give you a clue: ‘Paaaacker…’
Sue: Oh yeah. He’s been in Blake’s 7 before, hasn’t he? Is he playing the same character?
Me: Yes.

(OK, so I lied. This episode’s got enough problems without me adding to them.)

Ardus eventually recognises Servalan’s voice.

Sue: It took him long enough. I thought he was deaf as well as blind.

Ardus immediately regrets mentioning Servalan by name.

Sleer: Very well. I await your information.
Sue: Sorry, I mean: (in a gruff, deep voice) Very well. I await your information.

Ardus tells Servalan everything she wants to know about Justin.

Sue: Doesn’t anybody know his surname?

Back on Bucol Two, Dayna offers to negotiate with Og on Justin’s behalf.

Dayna: If he won’t trust you, perhaps he’ll trust me.
Sue: Yes, he’ll trust you because you killed all his friends – right in front of him! Has Dayna been taking the stupid pills?

Justin takes this opportunity to fondle Dayna’s hands.

Sue: I think I’m going to be sick.
Justin: I’ve been on my own on this planet so long now.
Sue: Oh dear. He’s been shagging all the animals. He basically just admitted it.

Back on the Scorpio, Vila is preparing to drown himself in a tank full of shit.

Sue: This has nothing to do with the other plot. They are just killing time until the other pile of steaming shit finishes. What Vila is doing here is actually a metaphor for what we’re going through right now.

Sue trusts Justin about as far as she can throw him.

Sue: Justin isn’t everything he seems, you know.
Me: He’s exactly what he seems, Sue. That’s the fucking problem!

Dayna promises Og that he won’t be hurt if he returns to Justin’s loving arms. Og points to his head.

Sue: It’s all right. You can tell me. Show me where the creepy old man touched you.

Dayna thinks she’s made a breakthrough, at which point Og throws her over a cliff.

Sue: Wow. She was even more wooden than usual. Anyone would think that they just threw a doll over that cliff instead. Actually, what the hell has happened to Dayna? I used to really like her. Now I can barely stand her.

Meanwhile, in the other shit-stained plot, Soolin places a blue box next to Orac.

Sue: Is that Orac’s girlfriend? She doesn’t say very much. She’s still more animated than Soolin, though.

The Scorpio blasts off again.

Sue: Avon should sit down when they take off. It can’t be safe for him to stand up like that, especially the way Tarrant drives.

Dayna is interrogated by Servalan. Every time Dayna lies to her, Servalan presses a button on her chair and Dayna is subjected to a very intense orgasm.

Sue: I don’t know what Servalan is doing to her, but it looks all right to me.

Servalan wants to know if Dayna loves Justin. Dayna denies it, but Servalan’s magic chair detects the awful truth. I swallow a bit of sick.

Sue: There should be a caption at the bottom of the screen which says: ‘My Teacher Molested Me And Now I’ve Fallen In Love With Him’. Seriously, this episode is beginning to give me the creeps.

Servalan offers to support Justin’s research on one condition: she can use his animals for any purpose she likes.

Sue: She’ll probably skin them alive and turn them into a nice coat.

Dayna refuses to cooperate with Servalan.

Sue: She’s holding out for one more orgasm.

Servalan switches to Plan B. By the time she’s finished with her, Dayna will hate Justin with every fibre of her being.

Sue: Is there anything that chair can’t do? If you sat in it, Neil, would it make you love me more?
Me: Give it a rest, Sue.

When Justin discovers that Dayna has disappeared, he briefly considers suicide before hitting the bottle instead.

Sue: SHIT! That was the Fairy Liquid!

Servalan’s aversion therapy has been a complete success – Dayna now hates Justin just as much as we do. Good for her.

Sue: I’m sure this isn’t what the writer intended. I think we’re actually supposed to feel sorry for the old pervert.

I tell her that the episode was originally written for Cally.

Sue: That’s no excuse. They should have realised what the implications were as soon as the problem presented itself. Soolin would have been just as bad – even though it would have given her something to do – so they should have sent Tarrant instead. That would have been much more interesting. But either way, they should have ditched the randy teacher routine. It just isn’t right.

Servalan storms Justin’s base with three female snowmobilers equipped with graduated bobs. She tells the women that they can wing Og if they have to – but they can’t kill him.

Sue: Are they allowed to snap one of his horns off?

Avon, Tarrant and Soolin teleport to Bucol Two. It’s pissing down with rain and they’re drenched in seconds.

Sue: Paul Darrow’s hair gel is dripping into his eyes. This is not a good look for him. It looks like his head is melting. And now he looks like David Ginola, and not in a good way, either.

Servalan’s troops find and restrain Og.

Sue: Poor Og. The next time we see him, he’ll have a graduated bob.

When Avon blasts his way into Justin’s base, he… well, let’s just say that it’s worth watching again. And again. And again.

Sue: Wow. What a recovery. Paul Darrow almost ended up on his arse after that skid, but he stayed super-cool. What a professional. That takes real talent, Neil.
Me: It serves him right for kicking that fucking chair!
Sue: Rosie didn’t have anything to do with this shambles, did she? No? Oh, thank God for that.

Justin agrees to Servalan’s demands, and Dayna is taken to the magic chair again.

Servalan: You love him, Dayna. You love him, Dayna. You love him, Dayna…
Sue: I feel like I’ve been sat in that chair for years. ‘You love Blake’s 7, Sue. You love Doctor Who, Sue. You love redacted, Sue.’

Og has been tied to a stump in a field.

Sue: Aww, he reminds me of the Shetland pony I see on the common on the way to work every day. He can only walk around in circles too, the poor thing. It always makes me sad when I see him.
Me: Og is basically Li’l Sebastian.

When Avon, Tarrant and Soolin mount a rescue mission, Og is killed during the battle.

Sue: Damn it. Og was the best thing in this stupid mess!

Servalan’s ship blasts off.

Sue: Fuck me. What a brilliant shot! What’s a brilliant shot like that doing in a pile of shit like this?

Justin didn’t make it either, and the episode ends with Dayna weeping for her dead teacher/mentor/mad professor/lover/ abuser (please take your pick).

Sue: MAKE IT STOP!

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: Fuck me. That was shit!

1/10

It’s official: ‘Animals’ is just as bad as ‘Trial’.

Sue: I’m only giving it a mark for the crane shot at the end. I was seconds away from giving it a big fat zero. What a load of shit.

Blog tagline: Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! (No! No! No!)

Glen’s trailer: ‘I try to forget this episode, but some bugger with a blog made me watch it again.’

NOTES: OK, so Dayna isn’t really 16 years old. But it’s still fucking weird.

Comment: Are negative scores not permitted? – Jonathan Baldwin

D6: Headhunter

Writer: Roger Parkes
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 2 November 1981
Blogged: 2 August 2014

Sue: Is it called ‘Headhunter’ because that’s Avon’s job now? He’s basically a recruitment consultant in space, isn’t he?
Me: Er, sort of. I don’t know. I’ve never seen this episode before. I think the last one put me off watching the series for quite a while. In fact, I can’t remember a single thing about the next three stories. So whatever you do, don’t ask me to explain the plot.

The Scorpio is flying through space.

Sue: The Scorpio is a different colour every time we see it. It was brown last time. Now it’s orange.
Me: Nicol is going to bake a Scorpio-shaped cake when we finish this blog. Hopefully, it’ll be an orange-flavoured sponge cake covered in chocolate.
Sue: Good luck with that, because it’ll probably look like a giant dog poo. I’m sure it will taste nice, though.

Slave rouses Vila from his slumber as the Scorpio approaches its destination.

Sue: Is it just me or is Slave in a sarky mood this morning? This isn’t like him at all.

Tarrant is snoozing on the flight deck, too.

Sue: So their ship is basically a camper van. I bet the toilet is just a big hole in the floor.

Tarrant and Vila have been assigned with taxiing Avon’s latest expert – a cybernetics genius named Muller – to Xenon Base; Vila has been banished from said base to stop him interfering with Muller’s ‘lady’.

Sue: Even more proof that Vila can’t control himself when it comes to women. That was probably quite funny in the 1980s, but now it feels inappropriate.

It’s left to Avon to entertain Muller’s lady friend, Vena.

Sue: Oh, it’s whatshername… thingy… the rubbish Helen. You know, after she regenerated in All Creatures Great and Small. She was in Doctor Who as well, but don’t ask me who she was.
Me: It’s Lynda Bellingham.
Sue: Of course it is. ‘Hmm… Bisto!’
Me: Not quite, Sue, but close enough.

When we return to the Scorpio, Sue becomes very animated indeed.

Sue: They’ve finally glued down that part of the set that was doing my head in. Hooray!

Tarrant teleports to Muller’s laboratory at the Robot Development Cartel. There’s a dead body under the table, but Tarrant isn’t concerned by that.

Sue: The new teleport effect has really grown on me. I don’t miss the old one at all. I like the new teleport handle as well – it’s chunky.

These words will come back to haunt Sue later.

Sue: There’s something not quite right here. I bet that’s Muller’s body under the table. Nobody knows what anybody is supposed to look like in this programme, so I bet Tarrant has picked up the killer instead. It’s the sort of thing he’d do.

Sue struggles to pin down exactly who (or what) Muller reminds her of, and she finally settles on a cross between a Beefeater, a druid, and a playing card.

Sue: He’s going to be trouble. I can just tell.

Tarrant gives Muller a teleport bracelet.

Sue: Ha! He can’t get it over his hand! That’s hilarious. I take it they didn’t bother with a dress rehearsal for this episode?

Muller safely teleports to the Scorpio. However, when Tarrant brings a sealed box back with him, Muller suddenly goes bat shit mental.

Sue: He’s pulled the handle off the teleport thingy!

Muller wants to teleport the box back to the planet.

Sue: You can’t teleport it back – you’ve broken the fucking handle!

Muller gives Tarrant a bear hug.

Sue: He could have offered to buy him dinner first.

Vila whacks Muller over the head with a space spanner and accidentally kills him.

Sue: Avon isn’t going to be happy about this. There’s definitely a theme developing: the kids are sent on a mission, they completely fuck it up, and then Avon tears his hair out.

Vena is mildly upset when she learns that her lover has been killed.

Sue: I know you shouldn’t go by looks, Neil – I married you, after all – but Lynda Bellingham could do a lot better, especially with cleavage like that. She must be wearing one hell of a bra.

Soolin comforts Vena, who really is put out by the whole thing.

Sue: I like what Soolin’s done to her hair. Still, it’s not as if she’s got anything else to do with her time.

It turns out that the body in Muller’s lab has been decapitated – and the head has gone missing.

Sue: I knew it! They picked up the killer instead. The idiots.
Me: Forget that. Why didn’t Tarrant slip in a pool of blood when he arrived?
Sue: Ooh, wait… I think I’ve worked it out. Oh no, that’s horrible. Muller’s head is in the box! How sick is that?

Me: It’s Blake’s 7, with the emphasis on Seven.

Slave is still being difficult.

Sue: He’s been spending too much time with Orac. He’s a bad influence on him.

And then the Scorpio experiences a dramatic power surge.

Sue: Is it going to rain? That sounded like thunder and lightning to me.
Avon: Tarrant, what have you got up there apart from yourself, a half-wit and a corpse?

Sue spits out her tea.

Sue: Avon’s finally back on form!

Vila tries to open the box, which only results in more lightning.

Sue: Is the box haunted? Is there a haunted head in that box?

Slave is behaving like an arse, and Tarrant has no option but to take him off-line.

Sue: Aww. Poor Slave. Maybe he’s just fed up with being treated like shit all the time. They never made Zen call them sir.

Tarrant will have to fly the Scorpio back to base on manual.

Sue: Why can’t Orac fly it back over a Wi-Fi connection? The way he carries on, you’d think he could do anything.

Orac does manage to dispense some advice. He suggests that Tarrant and Vila be kept in quarantine until they can figure out what has gone wrong with the ship.

Sue: If they did this every time something went wrong, they’d never step foot off the ship.

Tarrant manages to bring Scorpio home.

Soolin: Scorpio, your approach is one-six-zero by three-three-zero, standing by.
Sue: Look, Neil! Soolin’s doing stuff! She’s reading out numbers and things! And is that a fruit machine I can see in the background?
Soolin: Scorpio, preset retro sequence at four seconds at maximum thrust.
Sue: I’m sorry, love, but that countdown isn’t in seconds. They obviously couldn’t get the computer to display the numbers quickly enough. It took Soolin seven seconds to count down from four.

If only they could put their finger on the Scorpio’s problem.

Vila: It’s to do with that box. It must be!
Sue: Really? Do you think? I take it all back, Vila. You’re a fucking genius.

Tarrant starts pushing buttons at random.

Sue: It sounds like the ship has been infested with crickets.

And the bad news doesn’t stop there: the Scorpio’s life support systems have ceased to function, too.

Sue: Shit. That can’t be good. Hey, this is really exciting, Neil. It reminds me of Apollo 13, but with a severed head in a box.

Orac is adamant that Tarrant and Vila should be left on the ship to die.

Sue: Don’t listen to him, Avon. Fuck Orac!

Avon chews it over. The scenery, I mean.

Sue: He won’t do it. Avon’s got a conscience.
Avon: (suddenly yelling) Restore the teleport!
Sue: (half off the sofa in excitement) Yes! You fucking tell him, Avon! It’s brilliant, this.

Soolin and Dayna change into their spacesuits.

Sue: Soolin’s helmet barely covers her head. Won’t the air escape through that gap between her chin and her neck? Why are you laughing, Neil?
Me: I’m laughing because THEY LOOK RIDICULOUS!
Sue: They look like children pretending to be astronauts. It’s cute.

Tarrant and Vila are taken to Xenon Base’s medical unit.

Sue: Now I understand why they are so determined to keep this place. It’s full of high-tech toys.
Me: And working toilets.

When Orac starts playing silly beggars with Soolin, she steadfastly refuses to take any shit from him.

Sue: Soolin’s actually been given some decent lines to say in this episode – and she’s great.

Avon and Vena prepare to teleport to the Scorpio.

Sue: He can’t be checking her helmet for leaks, can he? Because that would be silly.
Me: This is way past silly, Sue.

Orac is convinced that humanity will be enslaved by their new cybernetic overlord, and he begs Soolin to turn him off.

Sue: What’s got into Orac? Is he having another one of his premonitions?

Orac asks Soolin to hide him.

Sue: If Orac was so worried about this threat, he’d tell her to take a hammer to him. A couple of sturdy whacks should do it.

Muller teleports to Xenon Base and attacks Dayna.

Sue: This is really good, so far. The direction is really good, too. Why are you shaking your head, Neil?

Vena rushes to greet her lover, who isn’t dead after all.

Sue: She’s going to get a shock when she realises he isn’t Muller. Oh, she recognises him. Wait a minute – WHAT?

Muller kills Vena with a massive bear hug. We know she’s dead because Dayna can’t detect a pulse, even though she’s standing on the other side of the room. And then the penny drops:

Sue: I think I’ve worked it out. It’s a robot and it’s stuck Muller’s head on its body. How clever is that? So that must mean it’s a cyborg. Like the Terminator.

Avon leaves Vila in charge of the mysterious box.

Vila: Where are you going?
Avon: I’ll be back.
Sue: Even the dialogue is ripping-off The Terminator.
Me: The Terminator wasn’t released for another three years.
Sue: Really? Wow. This is way ahead of its time, then. I’m surprised the writer didn’t sue James Cameron.
Me: There was a queue.

Dayna blows up a corridor and Muller is buried beneath the rubble. But it doesn’t stop him, which can only mean one thing.

Sue: I guessed the twist ages ago, but it’s still really good. Wait a minute. Is it just me or is he taller without his head?
Me: Just a bit.
Sue: What a shame. I can see what they’re trying to do, but it does look a bit silly.

The android’s head is in the box. But the android doesn’t want its real head – it wants Orac.

Sue: OK, let me get this straight: the robot is going to use Orac as a head? That would explain the massive shoulder pads. He can rest Orac on top of them.

If the android unites with Orac, it will become a God.

Sue: That’s a bit of a leap. And I’ve just realised something else: if the robot hasn’t got a head, how can it see and talk?
Me: Its brain is situated in its arse.

Avon’s gang escape from the android in the most shambolic way imaginable.

Sue: The robot will never catch them. They’ve got a head start.
Me: Let’s knock the head puns on the head, Sue.
Sue: They should head him off at the pass. Sorry. That’s the last one, I swear.

The only way to disable the android is to place its real head on its shoulders. But who would be brave enough to attempt such a crazy thing?

Avon: It will be Vila, or it will be me.
Vila: It’ll be you!
Sue: Brilliant. This is what we want to see. It’s just like old times, this.

Soolin retrieves Orac from a cupboard.

Sue: It looks like Orac is supposed to be heavy, which isn’t very believable. If only they could convince him to shrink down to the size of a packet of tabs again. How handy would that be?

Orac taunts Soolin as she hefts him up a flight of stairs.

Orac: Join us, Soolin. We can fulfill your every desire.
Soolin: You wouldn’t know where to start.
Sue: Ha! Where has Soolin been hiding for the last five episodes?

Orac and Muller will rule the galaxy as father and box.

Sue: And how are they going to do that, exactly? I’m not convinced that they could run a cafe together.

Avon eventually secures the android’s head to its neck.

Sue: Never let it be said that Avon doesn’t give good head.
Me: Sue!
Sue: Sorry.

Avon is knocked unconscious by an electrical discharge.

Sue: Soolin will have to give Avon the kiss of life. Lucky Soolin.
Me: Lucky Avon, you mean. Two can play at that game, Sue.

Dayna blows the android to smithereens, which renders the exciting bit with its head a bit pointless in retrospect.

Sue: Avon is going to be furious when he wakes up.
Me: Those pesky kids have fucked it up again!

She’s right, of course: Avon flips his lid. And then Orac makes things even worse by giving him some lip.

Avon: Shut up!
Orac: Yes, master.
Sue: Brilliant. Now leave him outside – let’s see how he gets on when it rains.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: I really enjoyed that. It was way ahead of its time, even if the robot did look a bit shit. And it was probably Avon’s best story in ages, too. Even Soolin was given something to do. And no Servalan, either. Bonus!

7/10

Me: Wow. I wouldn’t have given that episode more than 2/10. It was Muller Shite.
Sue: Nobody cares, Neil.
Me: I’m sorry, but I have to say something. I mean, come on, Sue! How the fuck did the android get Muller’s head to work? Just think about that for a second. It cut off a man’s head, stuck it on top of its neck, and then it fucking talked out of it. Even the fucking eyes moved! How the actual fuck? It didn’t even have a proper neck! And as for the -
Sue: Shut up!

Blog tagline: How to get ahead in terrorising.

Glen’s trailer: ‘If you’re suffering from Avon hair, then what you need is Head & Shoulders.’ (Glen was taken out and shot.)

NOTES: Nicol did indeed make a Scorpio-themed cake when we reached the end of the blog (kindly requested by Matthew Kopelke). She did a magnificent job and Sue was right – it did taste great.

Comment: Sue 1, Neil 0. She’s bang on with this one. - Robert

D7: Assassin

Writer: Rod Beacham
Director: David Sullivan Proudfoot
Broadcast: 9 November 1981
Blogged: 6 August 2014

Vila has some bad news for the Scorpio’s crew.

Sue: Is it just me or is Avon tired? They’ve plastered him in make-up to try and hide it, but he looks like he’s knackered. And stressed.

A familiar voice stresses him out even more.

Sue: Oh joy.

Servalan’s intercepted radio message sounds like gibberish. Or does it?

Servalan: Utiliser to Cancer. Domo the ninth, five subjects…
Sue: Well, there are five of them so they must be the subjects. Why do they keep drawing attention to the fact that they always seem to be two people short?

Domo is a planet, the ninth is a date, but who or what is Cancer?

Sue: This is a cheerful start to the episode.

Cancer is a man.

Sue: What a stupid name. I bet he doesn’t go on many dates.

In fact, Cancer is a professional assassin.

Sue: OK, fair enough. He’s using a made-up name, like a professional wrestler.

Meanwhile, in Servalan’s floating bingo hall…

Sue: This is what every good spaceship needs: sexy mood lighting.
Me: Forget the plasma bolts, has it got a dimmer switch?

Servalan confers with her captain.

Sue: That man is so tall, I’m surprised Servalan doesn’t sprain her neck every time she gives him an order.

Servalan instructs her captain to lay in a course for the planet Domo.

Sue: If she’s still pretending to be someone else, how is she paying for all this? And why has she put a contract out on Avon? I thought she wanted to rule the universe with him, or has she changed her mind about that? I mean, how much of a threat is Avon supposed to be?
Me: Well, considering that all the experts that Avon has tried to recruit are dead, not much.

The crew turn to Orac for some advice. He suggests that they find Cancer before he finds them.

Sue: Good idea, Orac. Preventive medicine is always the best course of action. I’m willing to bet good money that either the writer had cancer, or they knew someone who had cancer when they wrote this. It’s basically a metaphor for cancer.

Avon teleports to Domo, where he allows himself to be captured by slave traders. Their leader, Benos (who Sue mistakes for a very young Jeremy Irons), takes possession of Avon’s teleport bracelet.

Sue: Typical. They’ve got this incredible technology that can beam you down to alien planets, but they can’t invent a bracelet that doesn’t fall off your wrist if you so much as look at it.

Avon ends up sharing a cell with a slave named Nebrox.

Sue: Is that William Hartnell?

I pretend not to hear her.

Sue: Is it, you know. It’s William Hartnell. Look!
Me: It isn’t William Hartnell. William Hartnell’s dead.
Sue: Well, it doesn’t half look like William Hartnell. It’s uncanny. He even sounds like him.

I pause the DVD and put her out of her misery.

Me: Oh yeah. I’d completely forgotten about that. Still, you can see why JN-T hired him to play the part after he saw him in this. The resemblance is spooky. He’s even playing this part like the Doctor. He’s more like the Doctor here than he ever was in Doctor Who. He’s really good.

Nebrox begs Avon to trust him.

Sue: Oh, and he’s definitely Cancer. I bet you anything.

Domo’s slave auction is about to begin, and Servalan has the best seat in the house.

Sue: This reminds me of Game of Thrones, but without the sunshine. Yeah, it’s an off-season Games of Thrones. Those two bare-chested men with the fans – they must be freezing their bollocks off.

Domo looks like every other barren shit hole we’ve visited.

Sue: Did Rosie work on this episode? Oh, she did? Bollocks. This is not good.

Nebrox and Avon share a bowl of stew made from a fungus called mangon.

Sue: Whatever they’re paying him to eat that slop, it isn’t enough. Paul Darrow won’t go anywhere near it.
Me: And Paul Darrow eats MDF for breakfast.

Nebrox describes Servalan to Avon. Well, sort of.

Nebrox: She was tall, dark, obviously important and powerful.
Sue: Surely the first thing you say when you’re describing Servalan to somebody is that she’s got short black hair. Why would he leave that detail out? Unless he’s Cancer, of course. It’s pretty obvious, really.

According to Nebrox, Servalan purchased a male slave only this morning.

Sue: Avon is seething with jealousy.

He needn’t worry, because as soon as Servalan claps eyes on him, she can’t wait to splash her cash.

Sue: This should be fun.

Benos highlights Avon’s extra features:

Benos: Now I know he looks soft, and he talks soft, too, but you can tell the ladies he’s strong enough to work all day and still have plenty of energy left over for any little chores you might have for him in the evenings.
Sue: Oh dear. I think I’m having a hot flush.

Avon becomes the subject of a bidding war.

Bidder #1: Valeria bids two hundred.
Bidder #2: Natratof bids two hundred and fifty.
Servalan: I bid seven hundred vems.
Sue: I bid a million vems! How much is a vem worth, Neil?
Me: More than you can afford, Sue.

Avon retrieves his confiscated teleport bracelet and rescues Nebrox.

Sue: Aww, bless. The Doctor is going to join the team. That’s brilliant.

But Avon is recaptured. Blink and you’ll miss this, though, because the director has packed the foreground with panicked extras.

Sue: Who directed this? That was terrible. Inept, even. One minute you think Avon is free, but in the next shot he’s been captured again. That was terrible!
Me: The director’s name is David Sullivan Proudfoot.
Sue: Are you taking the piss?
Me: No.
Sue: Is he a hobbit?
Me: Not to my knowledge.
Sue: Well, he hasn’t got anything to feel proud about. That was a shambles.

With Dayna’s help, Avon and Nebrox escape in the nick of time, and it isn’t very long before the Scorpio intercepts Cancer’s spaceship.

Sue: They should leave it alone. Everybody knows that Scorpio and Cancer are incompatible.

Tarrant and Avon teleport to Cancer’s ship, where a strange figure is seated at the controls.

Sue: Either the money has run out and that is Blake’s 7’s worst ever monster, or this is a trap.

She breathes a huge sigh of relief when we see Cancer hiding on the ship’s flight deck.

Sue: He looks like Noel Edmonds crossed with Michael Ball, with a young Colin Baker thrown in for good measure.

Tarrant and Cancer engage in some fisticuffs.

Sue: This is a very realistic fight, but there’s no atmosphere. I’ve lost faith in the director.

Cancer is travelling with an exotic dancer named Piri.

Sue: She isn’t what she seems. She must be Cancer. It’s a bit obvious, this.
Me: I thought you said William Hartnell was the assassin.
Sue: We were supposed to think that – to put us off. No, she’s definitely Cancer.

Piri has been hired to help Cancer ‘celebrate’ when he completes his latest mission.

Sue: It really is Game of Thrones in space, what with all the space prostitutes and everything. Although you don’t see any tits in Blake’s 7. Well, not unless you count Vila.

Soolin, Vila and Nebrox teleport to Cancer’s ship.

Sue: Soolin’s very cocky all of a sudden. We didn’t hear a peep out of her for ages and now she’s strutting around like she owns the place.

Cancer promises to get his own back on Avon.

Cancer: I’ve never killed for personal pleasure before, but in your case I shall make an exception!
Sue: Oh dear. It’s all gone a bit panto, now.

Piri has a nervous breakdown.

Sue: Either they’ve hired a terrible actress or she’s Cancer. And if she is Cancer, Cancer is a terrible actress. Does that make sense?

Avon is rapidly running out of patience.

Avon: I’m setting a trap, not holding a convention for liberated slaves.
Sue: Brilliant. He’s stressed to hell, but he’s secretly enjoying himself, I think.

Piri and Tarrant get to know each other a little better.

Sue: (singing) I’m a private dancer, a dancer for a money, I’ll do what you want me to do…

Tarrant lets Piri know that Avon isn’t his boss.

Tarrant: If we think he’s right, we go along with it, if we don’t, we don’t. We’re all free agents.
Sue: (as Tarrant) It’s a shambles, frankly. We hardly get anything done.

Tarrant is completely smitten by Piri.

Sue: I don’t mean to be funny, but Tarrant is easily pleased.
Me: At least it means you might stand a chance with him.
Sue: Hark at Robert Redford over there.

Nebrox and Piri reminisce about the time they were slaves on Domo. However, Piri doesn’t seem to know what mangon is.

Sue: That confirms it. She’s definitely Cancer. And Noel Edmonds is her private dancer. But what is she waiting for? Shouldn’t she be killing them by now?

Right on cue, Cancer escapes and Nebrox is killed.

Sue: Is he dead or just out of focus? I can’t tell when it comes to this director.
Me: He’s dead.
Sue: Oh no. That’s rubbish. I wanted him to join the team full-time. He was wonderful.

Piri falls to pieces and Soolin slaps her across the face to shut her up.

Tarrant: You enjoyed that, didn’t you?
Sue: I did. She’s really beginning to get on my tits.

Tarrant thinks Soolin is jealous of Piri.

Sue: Is he having a laugh? Soolin’s got absolutely nothing to be jealous of, whether she can pole dance or not.

It appears that Avon isn’t immune to Piri’s charms, either.

Tarrant: It certainly doesn’t speak highly of your much vaunted brains.
Avon: Your little friend seems to prefer them to your equally vaunted brawn.
Tarrant: What was that supposed to mean?
Sue: It means she fancies Avon and she doesn’t fancy you, Tarrant. Although why she can’t fancy both of you is beyond me.

All this testosterone makes Avon very agitated indeed.

Sue: Here we go. Time for a violent snog.
Piri: Don’t fight over me, please!
Sue: Has she got an alien power that makes men fall in love with her, because if she hasn’t THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL!

Piri is locked away on the flight deck, because if anybody stayed with her, it would reduce their chances of finding Cancer by a third.

Soolin: Well, do we stick together, or what?
Sue: Weren’t you listening to anything Avon just said two minutes ago, pet? If you stay together, all that chat about cutting down your chances by a third wouldn’t make any fucking sense! ARGH!

The crew split up and search for Cancer.

Sue: It’s trying to be like Alien, but instead of a man-eating, acid-spewing monster, we’ve got Noel Edmonds skulking around in a bad mood. It’s not really doing it for me.

A mechanical spider is let loose on the ship.

Sue: A spider? What the fuck? Shouldn’t it be a crab? Don’t tell me that it wasn’t a crab in the script. It should be scurrying sideways, too. What a farce!

The spider creeps up on Soolin.

Sue: She may as well be wearing a sign that says ‘Kill Me’.

You’ll never guess what happens next…

Piri: I am Cancer.
Sue: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Piri has spent several hours styling her hair for a very special torture session with Avon.

Sue: Wow. If Tarrant fancied her when she looked ordinary, he’s going to go crazy when he finds out she’s an S&M dominatrix.

Noel Edmonds is actually a professional entertainer who has been hired by Servalan to act as a decoy.

Sue: She could have auditioned a bit harder. He was crap. Or maybe he was supposed to be crap, in which case he deserves a BAFTA.

Piri plans to murder the crew when they return to Xenon Base.

Sue: Or she could pull her finger out and do it on the ship. You know, to save time.

Servalan is over the moon, and she tells Cancer she’s a credit to her sex.

Sue: Really? I’m ashamed.

Piri believes that her crab spider has already nobbled Soolin.

Piri: I should imagine that blonde bitch is probably dead already.
Sue: Yeah, she’s a wonderful ambassador for feminism.

Piri places her magic spider on Avon’s trussed up body.

Sue: Right on his cock. Ouch! Actually, a crab would have been funnier. What a wasted opportunity.

When Soolin and Tarrant come to the rescue, the spider ends up on Cancer’s arm.

Sue: At least she’s squishing it to death as it kills her. That’s nice.

Cancer screams the place down.

Sue: OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

There then follows a nail-baiting race to see who will reach the crew first. Will it be the Scorpio or Servalan?

Sue: What do you fancy for tea tomorrow night, Neil?

Cancer’s spaceship is blasted into a million tiny pieces.

Sue: They’re not really dead. Don’t ask me why – it’s just a hunch. Oh, look, they’re not really dead.

Not only are the crew not really dead, they’re sipping cocktails and kicking back on the Scorpio’s sun loungers, although Vila threatens to spoil the party mood.

Dayna: Vila’s worried. He wants to know what became of that sweet little girl.
Soolin: Vila, all sweet things have one thing in common: a tendency to make you sick.

Cue credits.

Sue: Do you know what else has a tendency to make you sick? Forced comedy endings. Now pass me a bucket.

The Score

Sue: The direction, the acting and the script let it down. Apart from that, it was great.

5/10

Blog tagline: As serious as Cancer.

Glen’s trailer: ‘We’re going to catch a killer. Do you want to come with us? It’s a day out.’

Comment: And they said the word ‘BITCH’ on TV??? In the early 80′s??!!?? How’d they get away with that back then? It’s like getting away with saying the F-word on Sesame Street! - Karyl

D8: Games

Writer: Bill Lyons
Director: Vivienne Cozens
Broadcast: 16 November 1981
Blogged: 10 August 2014

Scorpio’s crew are watching a series of explosions on a monitor screen.

Sue: Is it New Year’s Eve? Are they watching a firework display?

A Federation planet is being blown to bits.

Avon: Well, that’s one way of solving your energy crisis.
Sue: Paul Darrow is bored. Tom Baker had the same problem when he was in Doctor Who – and Paul Darrow’s been doing it for quite some time now – he can’t say his lines without hamming it up. I still love him to bits, but he’s chewing the scenery in the first scene. There’s nowhere left for him to go.

Avon has his eye on some feldon crystals – the hardest and most valuable substance in the known universe. (Unless you include Sopron, which is a little bit harder and marginally more expensive, obviously.)

Sue: What is it with Avon and rocks? He’s only happy when he’s playing with his crystals. He’s obsessed.

On the planet Mecron Two, a man named Belkov is playing chess against his personal computer, Gambit.

Sue: Ooh, he’s famous.
Me: Yes, he is.
Sue: Is it Stephen Fry’s dad?

Sue eventually recognises Stratford Johns from Z-Cars, a programme she still remembers fondly.

Sue: He’s very good. I’m surprised to see him in this, though.
Me: He was in Doctor Who as well. He played a giant frog, so I’m not surprised you don’t remember him.
Sue: He looks like he’s working for The Body Shop, or a spa of some sort. He’s surrounded by beauty products.

Back on the Scorpio, the crew are quarrelling over what to do with the feldon crystals: use them to power their ship, or sell them for a huge profit. They haven’t even stolen them yet.

Sue: I like it when they set out to steal something. They are much better at being outlaws than they are at being terrorists. It’s a lot more believable, and it reminds me of Firefly, which is no bad thing.
Me: Joss Whedon says he’s never seen a single episode of Blake’s 7.
Sue: Well he would say that, wouldn’t he. For legal reasons.

Avon tells his crew that the consignment they’re after is protected by a security system that’s supposed to be impregnable.

Sue: Paul Darrow has lost a lot of weight. His clothes don’t hug his figure like they used to. I’m worried about his health.

Belkov monitors three men as they attempt to break into an Orbiter that contains his illegal cache of crystals. The only thing standing in their way is a computer game. The first contestant reaches for a gun attached to the wall.

Sue: Phew. For a moment there I thought he was going to play Binatone badminton.

The first player’s opponent is a mirror image of himself. The player is so surprised by this, he loses his focus and is shot and killed by, er, himself.

Sue: Well, that was a shit game. I think they should play something else. Haven’t they got Wii tennis?

Then, despite an excellent first round, Player Two suffers the same fate, while a third man – Gerren – barely escapes with his life.

Sue: He looks like the German submarine captain in Das Boot. I love that film. ‘Dive! Dive! Dive!’

She doesn’t recognise David Neal from ‘The Caves of Androzani’, but given the size of his beard this is only to be expected. Anyway, Avon has blackmailed Gerren into helping them.

Sue: So Avon’s latest expert is practically dead and we’re only ten minutes into the episode. That must be a new record. I don’t rate his chances of making it to the credits.

Meanwhile, on the surface of Mecron Two…

Sue: Great. Another fucking quarry. Oh no. Even better -another fucking Servalan story! You’d think she’d wear something practical, just this once. You know, like a nice pair of dungarees and some hiking boots. She could accessorise the look with a nice diamond broach if she wanted to, but come on, Neil, it’s ridiculous having to watch her teetering around on a beach in those stupid heels.

Sue sighs deeply.

Sue: And this is too much of a coincidence for me. It stretches believability to breaking point. Can’t they think of a way for Avon and Servalan to meet each other on purpose? Is it really that hard?

When the Scorpio arrives at Mecron Two, somebody tries to contact them. Unfortunately, Slave can’t identify the caller.

Sue: What is the point of Slave? Just switch him off and let Orac take over the ship. Slave sounds like he’s stoned all the time, anyway.

Belkov wants to do a deal: his safety in exchange for his secret cache of feldon crystals.

Sue: He’s a fabulous actor. He’s probably the best guest star to appear in the series so far. They must have been over the moon when they booked him.

Servalan isn’t very happy with Belkov.

Sue: Do you think people believe that Sleer is Servalan’s twin sister? Is that how they make sense of this madness?
Me: You have to let it go, Sue.
Sue: I can’t. It’s a big problem for me. Not only does it make absolutely no sense whatsoever, I don’t see the point of it. Why can’t she just be Servalan? It’s needlessly complicated.

Dayna, Tarrant, Gerren and Vila teleport to the surface of Mecron Two.

Sue: The direction is a lot better than usual. The high-angle shot of the quarry just then really pushed the boat out. They didn’t have to do that, but it was worth it.

Dayna shoots a Federation guard, although it looks like one of the planet’s natives got there first when Vila removes a blood-stained metal triangle from the dead man’s back.

Sue: I bet they got into trouble for that scene. That was gruesome.

Avon wants to move Scorpio so it’s perpetually eclipsed by Belkov’s Orbiter.

Sue: That’s a lovely shot. I bet they wish they had a bigger window they could look out of.

Avon brushes off Soolin’s concerns for the rest of the crew.

Avon: At least you and I can be certain that we can get away when we want to.
Sue: Avon’s still a selfish cunt at the end of the day. Nothing’s really changed over the last – what is it – four years?

Gerren escorts Tarrant’s party to the planet’s high pressure processing plant.

Gerren: That’s the pressure container. An electromagnetic field produces such high pressure that everything except the feldon crystals is reduced to a fine dust.
Sue: There’s a lot of chat in this episode. There’s only five minutes left and nothing’s happened yet.
Me: We’re only twenty minutes into this, Sue.
Sue: Really? Bloody hell, it’s even slower than I thought.

Federation troopers detain our heroes and demand to see their identification.

Sue: If Avon’s gang are on the Federation’s Most Wanted list, you’d think the Federation would know what they looked like. This just proves that they don’t give a shit about them, unless you count Servalan, and that’s definitely personal.

Our heroes make short work of the troopers.

Sue: Wow. A nicely staged fight for a change. I’m impressed.

Tarrant pushes a Federation trooper into the pressure plant and a puff of red dust fills in the blanks.

Sue: That was pretty grim for 7 o’clock. This episode isn’t pulling any punches. At least they didn’t dwell on it too much.
Me: It reminds me of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. And Belkov reminds me of a Bond villain, too.
Sue: So who’s James Bond? It can’t be Avon if he’s stuck on the ship.
Me: Well, Vila, obviously.
Sue: Fuck off!

Servalan wants to know where Belkov has hidden his crystals.

Sue: Are you sure he hasn’t stuck them up his jumper. Maybe he isn’t as big as he looks.

Belkov offers to trade Avon, Tarrant and Vila in exchange for Servalan’s help.

Sue: He didn’t mention the women. They can’t be infamous enough, which means they should both run away the next opportunity they get. I mean, why doesn’t Soolin ask to be dropped off on the nearest habitable planet? I don’t get it.

On the planet’s surface, Vila, Gerren and Tarrant approach the door that will lead them to Belkov.

Sue: The Federation are using supermarket packing trolleys. My friend Christine stole one from the back of a shop after school one day. I have a very vivid memory of me pushing it down the road while she sat in it and played her saxophone. Don’t ask me why because I just don’t know.
Me: When I was a teenager, I worked in supermarket called Victor Value as a shelf-stacker. When the shop was closed, we used the packing trolleys as stock cars. We’d race down the aisles pretending we were taking part in Mad Max meets Dawn of the Dead. The worst culprit was our supervisor, and he was in his mid-thirties.

We swap more supermarket packing trolley stories before resuming the episode, at which point our heroes are practically knocking on Belkov’s front door.

Sue: That’s the best door-in-a-cliff to appear in Blake’s 7 so far. And to be fair, there’s been a few.

Avon wants Orac to tell him everything he knows about Belkov’s supercomputer, but the computer is playing hard to get.

Avon: Oh, don’t sulk, Orac.
Sue: I could watch these two sniping at each other all day. I like the way that both Avon and the other guy treat their machines with more respect than they do other human beings. But why does Paul Darrow sound like he’s appearing in a play by Shakespeare?
Avon: So what we need is not the right answer, but the right question!
Sue: To be or not to be? See, he’s auditioning for Hamlet.

Tarrant, Dayna and Gerren reach Belkov’s lair. Belkov warns them that Gambit will raise the alarm if they try to kill him.

Sue: Wasn’t there a Doctor Who story called Gambit?
Me: No, but there is a Blake’s 7 story called Gambit. We watched it four months ago.
Sue: It’s all beginning to blur together into one big… thing. I don’t know how you can remember all this stuff. How can there be enough room for it in your head?

Belkov keeps switching sides.

Sue: He’s playing games with everyone and they don’t even know it. It’s really good, this. It’s a very clever script.

There’s an almighty explosion and Vila watches in horror as a man flees Belkov’s cave system covered in flames.

Sue: Fuck me! Look at that! Either that’s a fantastic stunt or something’s gone horribly wrong and we’re witnessing a terrible accident.

When Servalan and her men investigate another cave, they accidentally interrupt a religious ceremony that’s already in progress.

Me: It’s all gone a bit Eyes Wide Shut.
Sue: You wish.

Servalan’s men are butchered on the spot.

Sue: Why is Servalan posing for a calendar?

Servalan shakes her head and leaves.

Me: I’m sorry, Sue, but as far as I am concerned, that was Blake’s 7 funniest moment by far. The look of total disinterest on Servalan’s face just then was priceless.

Avon has identified Belkov’s weak spot:

Avon: Belkov does not trust anyone except that machine. It is his bodyguard, his companion, his playmate… his friend.
Sue: He reminds me of someone I could mention. Someone who isn’t sitting all that far away, Neil.

I don’t know what she means.

Sue: And Orac is the closest thing Avon has to a real friend, so he knows what he’s talking about.

Vila sneaks into Belkov’s lair.

Sue: His computer reminds me of a giant game of Frustration. I just want to pop it.

When Belkov returns, Vila hides behind his computer. Belkov asks for a security update and Gambit provides him the location of every single person except Vila.

Sue: (as Gambit) Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: there’s a weird guy squatting behind me. You might want to check that first.

Belkov has some bad news for his computer: he will have to leave her behind.

Gambit: Is there some other function you wish me to carry out?
Sue: (as Belkov) Yes, whatever you do, don’t forget to erase my porn collection as soon as I leave.
Belkov: I shall miss you. I don’t suppose that concept could possibly mean anything to you. I just thought I’d mention it.
Sue: This is touching. Weird, but touching. I couldn’t imagine Avon having this conversation with Orac, but he’s really selling it to me, he’s such a good actor.

Vila convinces Gambit to part with one of her circuit boards.

Sue: And he didn’t even have to raise his voice. There’s a message there, somewhere.

Vila shoots a Federation guard at point-blank range, as calm as you like.

Sue: Vila is stealing the show this week. Even I’m impressed.

Gerren is shot and captured, but Vila, Dayna and Tarrant teleport to safety.

Sue: This is probably Blake’s 7’s best directed episode so far.
Me: Even better than Douglas Camfield’s?
Sue: It’s definitely up there.
Me: The director’s name is Vivienne Cozens and you’ll be pleased to hear that she directs the next episode as well.
Sue: Excellent. Things are finally looking up for this show. The direction is very cinematic. It makes all the difference.

Servalan interrogates a badly wounded Gerren.

Sue: Is he not dead yet? He’s fucking indestructible!

Soolin prepares to play the Orbiter’s first game.

Soolin: You have to out-shoot yourself.
Sue: It’s the perfect game for people with low self-esteem.
Me: I bet this isn’t what Vila had in mind when he said he wanted to watch Soolin play with herself.
Sue: When did he say that?
Me: In a dream I had last week. Sorry.

Against all the odds, Soolin wins.

Sue: Is that it? All she gets is a message on a TV screen that says ‘Very Good!?’ Doesn’t she get any tickets that she can exchange for sweets later? Or a goldfish?

It’s Tarrant’s turn to step up to the plate – this time in a high-tech flight simulator.

Sue: (as Tarrant) So where do you put your fifty pence piece?

Meanwhile, on the Scorpio…

Dayna: Slave, what’s the position of those Federation ships?
Slave: The leading ship will be within firing range in one minute, Madam.
Sue: What would have happened if Dayna hadn’t asked that question at that precise moment? Would Slave have kept his mouth shut, or would he have warned her? I need to know.

Tarrant’s piloting skills are put to the test.

Sue: This is way ahead of its time. Computer games were just coming into fashion back then – we wouldn’t see games as good as the one Tarrant is playing for years. If they ever bring Blake’s 7 back, this is one of the episodes they should definitely make again.

Vila uses his initiative to open another door.

Sue: Vila is showing everybody up today. There’s no stopping him.

The Orbiter moves out of orbit, which leaves the Scorpio exposed to the Federation’s attack ships.

Sue: Ooh, this is really exciting all of a sudden!

Sue finally notices that Gambit’s circuit board has been bolted onto Orac.

Sue: So is she Orac’s girlfriend, now?
Me: STOP IT!

And then Avon works it out:

Avon: There aren’t any damned crystals. There never were any damned crystals. They’re like everything else on this ship: a game!
Me: It’s basically 3-2-1 in space.
Sue: They should have included a version of Tipping Point, but with bombs instead of coins. They missed a trick.

Gambit decides to turn the tables on Belkov. Well, you know what they say about a computer scorned.

Sue: Checkmate, mate.

Belkov opens a door to a black hole (keep up at the back), but Avon has a cunning plan.

Orac: It would appear that positive and negative inputs were balanced by the feldon crystals. Indeed, the balance was so perfect, that they simply ceased to exist, along with everything in their immediate vicinity.
Sue: Eh? What? Oh, forget it. I don’t care. Whatever happened, it was exciting. So is the bad guy dead or what?
Me: I guess so.
Sue: That’s a shame. And Servalan? Where has she got to? Has she ceased to exist as well?
Me: What do you think?
Sue: I think she’ll be back next week.

Just when the crew think they’ll be heading home empty-handed, Vila produces a crystal necklace that stole from Belkov. Unfortunately, Avon has some bad news for him: it’s a fake.

Sue: They didn’t even win a miniature Dusty Bin. What a shame.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: It took a long time to get going – it was very talky at the beginning – but when it pulled its finger out, it was great. The direction was especially good, and the man from Z-Cars was brilliant. I even liked Vila, so it must be good. I could have done without Servalan, but I’m getting used to that. And Paul Darrow needs to tone it down a bit, obviously. But apart from that… Yeah, I enjoyed that one a lot.

8/10

Blog tagline: Arcade Fire.

Glen’s trailer: Orac’s in two places at once.

Comment: Did you notice the miners in the background when Gerren, Vila and Tarrant assault the cave of the supermarket trolleys? There must have been at least four extras. That’s a proper crowd scene! - Andy Luke

D9: Sand

Writer: Tanith Lee
Director: Vivienne Cozens
Broadcast: 23 November 1981
Blogged: 13 August 2014

Before we begin, Sue hasn’t read Frank Herbert’s Dune and she doesn’t remember anything about the David Lynch film, either. So if you’re expecting jokes about the Kwisatz Haderach, you’re going to be disappointed. The good news is that not only is Sand directed by Sue’s favourite female director, it’s written by a woman, too. It can’t possibly fail.

Sue: This is a bit shit.

Oh.

Sue: I can see what they’re trying to do, but they haven’t got enough money to do it justice. It looks cheap. Having said that, the model canyon isn’t that bad. It’s definitely ambitious - I’ll give it that.

Investigator Reeve is on his way to the planet Virn to look into the unsolved case of Don Keller, a Federation scientist who hasn’t been heard from in five years. Please note: Sue wasn’t a fan of Howard’s Way (it was much too middle-class) so if you’re expecting any jokes about yachts, you can forget it.

Me: I love Stephen Yardley. I don’t know why, I just do.
Sue: Good, because you’re going to end up looking like him if your hair keeps abandoning your head.

Commissioner Servalan Sleer is also on her way to Virn.

Me: Aren’t you going to swear or stamp your feet or something?
Sue: I’d be more surprised if she didn’t turn up. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that she has to turn up sooner or later, so it may as well be sooner.

We discover that a mysterious virus attacked a Federation outpost on Virn five years ago, but Sue is too distracted by Stephen Yardley’s posture to really care.

Sue: Is he limbering up for a disco dancing tournament?
Me: It looks like they’re discussing tactics for their next Strictly performance.
Sue: (as Reeve) Does my bum look big in this?

Servalan’s demeanour as she listens to Don Keller’s final transmission is a little odd to say the least.

Sue: Why is Servalan so sad? Is she thinking about the time she used to be the president, and she could order her lackeys to risk their lives on missions like this? I bet she is.

Investigator Reeve isn’t a very nice person.

Reeve: (to Servalan) There’s nothing for you on Virn. Unless someone thought I’d be lonely?
Servalan: I’m sure you’re accustomed to loneliness, Investigator Reeve. You must be alone such a lot.
Sue: Nice put down. Maybe she’d be interested if he had more hair. Sorry, I’m joking, Neil. I still love you.

And because Stephen Yardley doesn’t need any hair gel, he’s obviously shared his daily ration with the ship’s crew.

Sue: They look like they’re auditioning for a part in Grease. Hey, I recognise that pilot…

She’s pointing at Daniel Hill. Definitive proof that even though ‘Shada’ doesn’t really count, its impact on Sue has been profound.

Sue: He was in the last series of 24. You know, the funny one set in London. Do you remember, Neil?

Their ship is suddenly caught in the grip of a Pink Floyd laser show (aka a multi-gravitational field). This results in a very bumpy ride.

Sue: If this is how they usually fly their ship, I’m not surprised they need all that hair gel.

Back at Xenon Base, Avon suggests that it might be a good idea if they followed the Federation to Virn to steal whatever it is they may – or may not – have found.

Sue: It’s a bit risky, isn’t it? Is there really nothing else they could be doing or stealing today? Are they really that bored? This is needlessly reckless.

Servalan and Reeve begin a five-mile hike to Keller’s base. Servalan opts for high heels, obviously.

Sue: This set is a bit crap. The effects seem to have gotten worse as the series has gone on. You’d think they’d be better at this sort of thing by now.

The ship’s captain tests his engines and accidentally sets off a sand slide.

Sue: Servalan will be picking sand out of her gown for weeks. That’s what happens when you stroll around on a barren planet in a cocktail dress. I’ll never say this again, I promise, but IT’S RIDICULOUS! If the whole episode takes place on this set, we’re in big trouble.

Reeve and Servalan end up sharing a cave together. Servalan boasts to Reeve that she is unique.

Sue: Who else would go camping dressed like that?

Servalan’s assistant (a man so bland he doesn’t even get a name) is suddenly murdered by a sand dune.

Sue: So the sand is alive and it kills you? I’m sure I’ve seen this in Doctor Who.
Me: You have, but Blake’s 7 got there first.
Sue: It’s a brilliant idea. The kids must have been scared to death when they went on holiday.

As Scorpio approaches Virn, Slave begins to act erratically.

Sue: Slave is even more off his tits than usual. He’ll be complaining about a bad case of the munchies next.

Dayna and Tarrant teleport to Virn armed with percussion bullets.

Sue: Does that mean Dudley Simpson plays his maracas every time she fires her gun?
Me: That always happens, Sue.

Servalan tells Reeve that she’s faced several maniacs in her lifetime, so this adventure on Virn isn’t a new experience.

Sue: And yet she still insists on wearing high heels every time she leaves the house. You’d think she would have worked it out by now. Sorry, sorry… I promise I’ll never mention her clothes again.

Reeve knows who Sleer really is.

Sue: Finally! Somebody who can remember a face! He is so dead.

Right on cue, Reeve begins acting even more unhinged than normal.

Sue: So the sand takes you over and makes you crazy. The virus is in the sand. This is exactly the sort of thing that Doctor Who would do.

A gun-happy Reeve goes hunting for Tarrant and Dayna.

Sue: This planet is fine when you can’t see the sky. However, as soon you can see the sky, it looks like a children’s nativity play.

Dayna teleports back to the Scorpio with a flesh wound and a pile of sand.

Sue: They are so fucked.

Tarrant shoots Reeve, which saves Servalan the trouble of doing it herself later.

Tarrant: Well, everyone’s entitled to one really bad mistake.
Sue: I’m really beginning to enjoy this.

Back on the Scorpio, and it’s Orac’s turn to start acting up.

Orac: I love you!
Sue: He must have got some sand in him. Quick! Somebody get a hoover.

When Orac tells Avon that they will become lovers for a little while, or maybe even a long while, Sue spits out her tea.

Sue: It’s all coming out now! I reckon the virus makes you lose your inhibitions and you have to tell the truth, which means this programme is even more messed up than I thought.

Tarrant and Servalan agree to put aside their differences and work together. After they’ve finished flirting, of course.

Sue: Thank God she didn’t put that gun in her mouth.

The computer in Keller’s base begins spouting nonsense.

Computer: I love you. I know a land where love… Keller. Don. Don. Dun. Din. Dan. Den.
Sue: It’s a transcript of his last chat room visit. He was finding it difficult to type one-handed towards the end.

When Servalan finds Keller’s corpse, she pushes it over in a fit of pique.

Sue: Maybe she knew him, back when she was Servalan. Which means she probably would have killed him later anyway, so why is she so upset?

Keller’s body is still warm. And then the sand begins to advance on the base.

Sue: This is proper scary. I hope the TARDIS turns up.

Tarrant opens the front door, which lets sand into the base.

Sue: What did he do that for? What did he think that would achieve? Has Tarrant lost his mind?

When a sudden noise startles Servalan, she grabs Tarrant’s arm for support.

Sue: Tarrant’s definitely pulled.

The noise they heard is the meal Tarrant ordered from the base’s food dispenser.

Sue: He thinks he’s James Bond. I hope he’s ordered some champagne.

Back on the Scorpio, there’s a subtle callback to another episode written by Tanith Lee.

Soolin: I seem to recall you telling me of an alien trying to take over the Liberator through Cally.
Sue: You’ll have to narrow it down a bit, pet. It will probably be a lot quicker to tell you about the times she wasn’t taken over by an alien.

The crew begin to bicker amongst themselves. Even more than usual, I mean.

Sue: What? I don’t get it. Is there supposed to be something wrong?

After a romantic meal, Tarrant decides to grill his arch nemesis about her miraculous escape from the Liberator and her plans to take back the presidency.

Sue: At least they’re finally addressing this. Her explanation still doesn’t make any sense, though. Surely it would easier for her to get a new face to go with her new name. It must be possible in the future. This means she has to murder everyone who recognises her, and it won’t be long before killing people who recognise her will become her full-time job. It can’t be worth the aggravation.

Tarrant lets it be known that he thinks Servalan is an evil, conniving predator, and yet, if push came to shove… Well, you know.

Sue: Brilliant. Avon will go spare.

Avon is currently oblivious to Tarrant’s attempts at foreplay, because he’s too busy playing with his probability squares.

Sue: He should design an app for that; he’d make a fortune. Avon’s App: for all your intergalactic problems.
Me: I wonder how many of those squares have Servalan’s name on them.
Sue: All of them if he’s got any sense.

Tarrant tries to work out why the base’s computer malfunctioned.

Sue: It actually makes sense when you think about it. Computers are made from silicon, so there you go. Yes, it’s very clever. And now that we’re indoors, this is very claustrophobic. Yes, I like this a lot. The sound effects are really good, too.

Tarrant has a theory about the sand.

Sue: Tarrant’s acting like he’s the Doctor, and he’s treating Servalan like she’s his companion. Are you sure this script wasn’t rejected by Doctor Who and they simply changed the names?

Tarrant thinks he’s figured it out:

Tarrant: The sand reckoned it could afford to kill them if it saved me. And you, of course. Yes, any number of women would be safe. A herd.
Sue: Is he saying what I think he’s saying?
Me: I think he is.
Sue: He’s jumping to a very big conclusion. Hang on a minute. He’s just making this up so he can get his leg over!
Me: The only time Tarrant gets his leg over is when aliens force him to do it. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Servalan admits that she and Keller used to be lovers.

Sue: Ah, that explains why she’s been acting so sad. Oh, and Keller was punching well above his weight. He must have let himself go as he got older.
Me: Why are you looking at me?

Servalan is on the verge of tears.

Sue: I can’t believe that I actually feel sorry for her. I must be crazy.

Tarrant and Servalan snog.

Sue: Hey! Don’t take advantage of her when she’s vulnerable!

When we next see Tarrant and Servalan, they both have enormous smiles on their glowing faces.

Sue: They definitely did the deed. Avon will hit the roof when he finds out.

While Servalan was sleeping, Tarrant came up with another theory about the sand. And no, it doesn’t involve anal sex.

Tarrant: You cry very beautifully, Servalan, and one of your tears did this to the sand on the floor.

When Tarrant pours water onto the sand, it goes up in smoke.

Sue: Are you sure her tears were responsible for that? There must have been a lot of moisture that we didn’t get to see last night. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if -
Me: Sue!

Tarrant and Servalan snog again, but this time she pulls a gun on the permed crusader before he can get to second base.

Sue: He must be shit in bed.

Back on the Scorpio, Vila’s pulse is very weak.

Avon: Well that should go very nicely with the rest of him.
Sue: Brilliant. I can’t tell if Avon has been taken over by the sand or not. I mean, how would Avon act if the sand made him crazy? You’d never be able to tell.

Avon believes that the sand has decided that he is the dominant male on the ship, which means Vila is surplus to requirements.

Me: Avon IS the Kwisatz Haderach!

Sorry.

Sue: Avon is jumping to a lot of conclusions as well. Has he got any evidence to back this up? Or is this just an excuse for a threesome?
Me: You need an excuse?

Avon decides to make it rain.

Me: It only rains on the planet Dune in the movie – it doesn’t rain in the book. I just wanted to point that out. If it had rained on Dune, all the giant sand worms would have died. Don’t worry, Sue, there aren’t any giant worms in this.
Sue: I know. Just ask Servalan.
Avon: Let us get closer. Eventually there may be enough of a build-up to create some kind of rain.
Sue: I bet you wouldn’t try to save the day if a threesome was on the cards. Don’t pretend that you would, Neil.
Avon: (screaming) This is not just a rescue mission for poor gallant Tarrant!
Sue: He’s a poet and he doesn’t even know it. Is the sand making Avon act like this? It really is impossible to tell with Avon.

The rain generated by Scorpio’s rapid descent keeps the sand at bay just long enough for Tarrant and Servalan to escape from the base.

Sue: That was one hell of a first date. A little bit more exciting than a game of pool in Whitby.
Me: Similar death toll, though.

When Tarrant teleports back to the ship, he decides not to mention that he’s slept with their arch enemy.

Sue: Avon will go bananas if he finds out. I bet Servalan can’t wait to tell him.

UPDATE: It appears that we were talking over the bit where Tarrant doesn’t deny that he slept with Servalan. Sorry, it happens sometimes, especially when I’m not familiar with an episode and I don’t rewind the important bits that we’ve missed because we were yakking over it.

The episode concludes with Servalan filing a negative report.

Servalan: I had the gun but I didn’t kill you, Tarrant. Yet.
Sue: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: It started off badly. If I’m honest, the first fifteen minutes had me worried, they were so dreadful. However, as soon as the bald guy died and the sand came to life, I began to enjoy it. Even Servalan was sympathetic, and I never thought I’d say that at this late stage. The script was very clever and the direction was pretty good, too. If only they’d gone on location. Anyway, yes, I liked it a lot.
Me: Aren’t you disappointed that Tarrant was stuck on the planet with Servalan instead of Avon?
Sue: Not really. It’s a proper love triangle now. In fact, I bet Avon will kill Tarrant when he finds out that he’s slept with her. Just you wait and see.

Sorry!

8/10

Blog tagline: Dune Bug.

Glen’s trailer: A very spooky Howard’s Way coincidence.

NOTES: Yakking over the final scene will haunt me to the day I die. If we ever end up blogging something that I’m unfamiliar with again, I’ll watch the episode in advance, so I know what’s coming. Damn it.

Comment: I’m off to the website next door. - Robert

D10: Gold

Writer: Colin Davis
Director: Brian Lighthill
Broadcast: 30 November 1981
Blogged: 16 August 2014

This episode begins with a high-speed spaceship chase.

Sue: They’ve got loads of room, why don’t they just overtake?

Scorpio docks with a pleasure cruiser which has a red star emblazoned on its hull.

Sue: Oh look, it’s the Russians. Why don’t they just teleport over there. Is it broken?

Avon has arranged to meet an old acquaintance.

Sue: Oh dear. Tarrant can’t get his gun to stay in his holster. It’s the story of his life. And I wish they would soundproof their ship. I can’t understand a word they’re saying when they clump around the set like that. Clang – clang – clang. What did Dayna just say?

Avon, Tarrant, Soolin and Dayna cross to the Space Princess, where they are met by a man named Keiller.

Sue: Is he supposed to be the ship’s Redcoat? Is this Hi-de-Hi in space?
Me: Yes, it is a bit. Don’t you recognise him?
Sue: Of course I do. He’s a very famous comedian who’s been in loads of things. I just can’t think of any of them right now.
Me: Is that the best you can do?
Sue: His name is on the tip of my tongue. It will come to me eventually. I definitely know who he is. He’s really good.

Keiller lets the crew in on his plan to steal a consignment of gold that is due to be transported from the planet Zerok, disguised as a shipment of fruit.

Sue: Is this episode going to be a heist movie? Excellent. It’ll be like Ocean’s 7. You know, a bit like Ocean’s 11, but there’s only 7 of them. Actually, it’s probably more like Ocean’s 5 -
Me: You’ve cracked that joke before, Sue.
Sue: Have I? How many episodes of Blake’s 7 have we seen now?
Me: This is our forty-ninth.
Sue: Well, then.

Keiller chose his old friend for this heist because Avon has a reputation for mischief.

Sue: Avon will love that. He wants to be notorious. It’s an ego thing.

Keiller has come up with a cunning plan to steal the gold, but there’s a snag (or, if you’re Avon, there’s a snaaaaaag): they have to nick the booty before it can be processed into black gold, which just happens to be completely worthless.

Sue: This is an excellent start to the episode. I wonder how Servalan is involved…

Keiller can’t keep his grubby paws off Soolin.

Sue: What a pervy bastard. Wait! Rory Kinnear! That’s it! He’s Rory Kinnear.
Me: Close. It’s Rory’s dad, Roy Kinnear.
Sue: That’s what I just said.

Keiller, Avon, and Soolin arrive at Zerok’s vegetable reprocessing plant, which acts as a cover for a secret gold mining operation.

Sue: The person who designed the logo for this company must have been a frustrated comic book artist.
Me: I bet all their stationary uses Comic Sans.

The mine is patrolled by security guards whose features are hidden behind black visors.

Sue: Is this guy a welder?

A guard is murdered by Soolin.

Sue: Now we’ll never know if he was a welder or not.

Tarrant and Dayna teleport to Zerok a few minutes after Avon and Soolin.

Sue: Why didn’t they stick together? You know, safety in numbers. Is it because they can only teleport two at a time these days, or is this part of the plan?

Keiller speaks into a computerised lock and then, after what seems like an eternity, the door to the mine finally opens.

Sue: They should get that door seen to. Just imagine if there’d been a toilet behind it and he desperately needed to go. He’d have pissed himself.

Another guard is murdered, this time by Avon.

Sue: What is the point of those masks? Is it so they can use the same stuntman over and over again? I bet it is, you know. Or maybe one of the guards will turn out to be Servalan. Yes, that’s it: keep your eyes peeled for a security guard wearing high heels.

As Avon, Soolin and Keiller make their way to the mine’s processing plant, somebody sounds the alarm.

Sue: Just think, twenty years from now I won’t be able to hear that frequency. I think this is the first time I’ve actually prayed for old age.

Security guards are swarming all over the plant, which means Dayna and Tarrant now have a fight on their hands.

Sue: This is very exciting, but if they don’t turn off that smoke alarm, I’m going to have to kill somebody. And you’re the only person here, Neil.

A huge explosion goes off in the mine and Avon and Soolin are presumed dead.

Sue: Yeah, of course they are. Why are they even pretending that it’s possible? Blake’s 7 is better than this.

Safely back on the Scorpio, Keiller insists that he had nothing to do with the ambush.

Sue: Roy is such a good actor, you want to believe him.

Avon (who isn’t dead by the way) has realised that the guards’ guns weren’t standard issue, which points to a third-party being involved. But who could it possibly be?

Sue: Um… let me see… No, I couldn’t possibly guess.
Me: Maybe it’s the dwarf from ‘Dawn of the Gods’.
Sue: Who?

Avon and Soolin examine the Space Princess’ computer files.

Sue: The ship’s computers are infested with rattlesnakes.
Me: I think you cracked that joke during the first series, Sue.
Sue: Shut up, Neil.

Avon realises that the pleasure cruise is just a sham, and the passengers are given chemical help to help overcome that fact.

Sue: Sounds fantastic. Where do I sign up?
Me: Chemical help, otherwise known as the bar on a P&O ferry.

Avon discovers that Keiller has links to a Federation president. But which president?

Sue: ARGH!

When Avon returns to the Scorpio, Keiller tries to explain:

Keiller: They blackmailed me, said they’d use my record against me. I’ve got a criminal record, you see.
Vila: Hasn’t everybody?
Sue: Ha! Brilliant. The script is very funny and Roy Kinnear is wonderful. You can’t take your eyes off him.

It appears that Keiller’s associates have discovered a way to launder the black gold through Zerok’s banking system.

Sue: This is very clever, Neil. Zerok equals Zürich. See?

The crew stand to make billions if they can steal the gold.

Me: You could buy hundreds of Oracs for that.
Sue: One Orac is more than enough, thanks.

Keiller wants to join Avon’s gang.

Sue: Please take him with you. He brightens the place up.

But Orac has some bad news: they can’t teleport the black gold off the pleasure cruiser.

Orac: The processed gold will have undergone a subneutronic overlap shift. If subjected to the teleport process as well, it will reduce to dust irrevocably.
Sue: That’s convenient, but what the hell. It’ll be much more exciting the other way.

The pleasure cruiser leaves Zerok with its precious cargo.

Zerok Control: Space Princess, this is Zerok Control. Do you copy?
Sue: Hey! Zen’s back!
Me: He isn’t.
Sue: He bloody is! He just said, ‘confirmed’. Zen escaped from the Liberator and now he’s working for an air traffic control company somewhere. Brilliant!

Me: Whatever makes you happy, love.

Keiller assures Avon that a drug he’s given to Dayna (so she can fool the ship’s doctor) is completely harmless.

Sue: You can’t trust him. He’s setting them up. And Avon is growling his lines, now. He’s about to explode.

Tarrant wanders around the pleasure cruiser, pretending to be drugged.

Sue: This is hilarious. Tarrant’s obviously never taken any drugs in his life before.

In fact, all the passengers are loved up.

Sue: I’m guessing that the drug makes the passengers feel horny. That way they stay in their cabins and don’t notice that they’ve missed all the sights. Not that Tarrant needs a drug to make him feel horny. Just ask Servalan.

Avon and Keiller reach the cruise liner’s hold, and Avon murders the solitary guard.

Sue: That guard’s hockey mask was a big help when Avon shot him in the balls.

When Keiller opens the crate which contains the black gold, tiny explosives attach themselves to the purser’s jacket.

Sue: It’s bloody good, this. Dudley’s music is very tense, too. I like the way they keep switching between the muzak on the ship and the exciting bits in the hold. It’s very effective.

Keiller’s plan appears to be working.

Sue: I’m sorry if I’m not saying very much, Neil, but I’m enjoying this too much. Even the model shots are great. Look at that spaceship. Beautiful.

Dayna’s self-induced illness convinces the ship’s captain to put out a Mayday call, which just happens to be intercepted by Vila on the Scorpio.

Sue: Genius. This might actually work, you know.

The ship’s doctor nearly scuppers their plans, but some quick thinking from Keiller puts them back on track.

Keiller: I told you it would work. We’re going to walk off this ship and no one’s even going to try and stop us!

At which point, things inevitably go tits up, which results in a mad dash to the Scorpio’s airlock before the doors can shut. Sue is biting what’s left of her nails.

Sue: Hurry up! Run!

Avon provides covering fire for his crew. It looks like he’s having a whale of a time.

Sue: He’s taking the piss!

The airlock closes before Avon makes it back.

Sue: Serves you right for taking the piss!

As the airlock begins to disengage, Avon roars into his teleport bracelet. He wants Vila to teleport him out of there NOW!

Sue: Wow. That was incredible. That has to be the most exciting moment in Blake’s 7 so far.

Keiller is told to contact his associates so they can sell the black gold. The planet they choose for this exchange is Beta Five.

Sue: It’s the same planet they always go to; only the names change. It isn’t a very diverse universe, is it?

A vehicle containing several hooded figures approaches the rendezvous point.

Sue: (scratching her chin) Now, then. Who could this be?
Me: Well, I don’t see any dwarves.

The camera focuses on the occupants’ feet as they exit the vehicle.

Sue: Look for the heels… Wait for it… Yes, there they are! What a surprise.

Keiller’s associates line up in front of the crew.

Sue: They’ve come to sell them life insurance. They’re the Black Widows, you see.
Me: I’m pretty sure you’ve already done the Black Widow gag.

Sue hits me with a cushion.

Avon wasn’t fooled for a second. He knew it was Servalan all along.

Avon: It wasn’t hard to work out. But it wasn’t meant to be, was it?
Sue: It’s as if they’re ashamed of their own twist.

Avon believes that Servalan wanted him to come running.

Sue: Or she fancied another go on Tarrant.

Avon pities Keiller’s decision to trust Servalan.

Avon: He doesn’t know you as well as I do.
Servalan: Who does?
Sue: Well, Tarrant does for a start.

Avon moves in for a snog that never comes.

Sue: They are destined to be together. They should run off and rule the galaxy as husband and wife – they’d be unstoppable. That’s how I would end it, anyway.

Avon decides to leave Keiller behind. He just can’t trust him.

Sue: Oh come on! You don’t trust anyone and it’s never stopped you before. Take him with you.

Avon teleports back to the ship with a suitcase full of cash.

Sue: Check the case before you leave, you idiot! Oops, too late. I bet it’s full of fruit.

Keiller begs Servalan for his life.

Sue: Aww, this is really sad. Yes, he was a conniving bastard, but I really liked him. They should make a prequel series – The Adventures of Keiller and Avon: The Early Years. I’d watch it.
Me: Maybe they could ask Rory Kinnear to star in it.

Sue is shocked when she discovers that Avon’s suitcase really is full of money, after all.

Tarrant: I’ve never seen currency of that size.
Sue: The first thing they’ll need to buy are new wallets. Those notes are fucking enormous.
Me: You should see Zerok’s coins – they’re the size of plates.

Tarrant isn’t very pleased when Avon tells him that he knew Servalan was behind the heist all along. In fact, you could slice the atmosphere with a laser probe.

Sue: If looks could kill, Tarrant would be dead now. Do you think Avon knows that Tarrant and Servalan shagged yet? He isn’t stupid, you know.

(Yes, we watched this episode before I wrote up the last one and discovered that we inadvertently missed the bit where Tarrant admits his crime but doesn’t want to talk about it. So the underlying tension that Sue has detected in this scene isn’t the underlying tension that actually exists in this scene. Sorry.)

The next time we see Keiller, he’s lying face down in the mud.

Sue: They put him out of his misery. That’s really tragic. There was no need for that, Servalan. What a cow.

Orac has more bad tidings for the crew: Zerok has ceded to the Federation, which means Servalan will profit from the black gold, after all. And it gets even worse:

Orac: The Federation banking system will now take over that of Zerok. All bank notes drawn by the Bank of Zerok will be declared invalid within seven days and all private transactions will be illegal.
Sue: Orac actually laughed when he told them that. He actually laughed! The cheeky bastard.

It turns out that the crew risked their lives so Servalan could get rich. The look on Avon’s face says it all.

Sue: That’s it. Avon’s finally snapped.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: That was brilliant. It was a bit confusing at times, but I didn’t really care because it was such a good ride. And Roy Kinnear was fabulous. I wish they hadn’t killed him off - he could have come back and redeemed himself. Anyway, a great script, good direction and a wonderful guest star. Yes, Blake’s 7 is definitely ending on a high.

9/10

A few days later…

Me: Sue, I need to tell you something. I think I accidentally broke the blog.

I break it to her that Avon definitely knows about Tarrant’s tryst with Servalan, but we missed that bombshell because we were too busy yakking over the episode and I forgot to hit the pause button.

So Sue thought the crew were disgusted with Tarrant because he didn’t shoot their arch nemesis in the head, when in actual fact they were disgusted because they were imagining their arch nemesis giving Tarrant head.

Sue: You idiot. What else have I missed because of you? I knew I should have watched this with a Blake’s 7 expert.
Me: Don’t worry, I’m very familiar with the next three episodes. It won’t happen again.
Sue: Well, this changes everything. Avon must be biding his time. He’ll murder Tarrant when he least expects it, probably while he’s sleeping. It also explains why Avon has finally lost his mind, so thanks for that, you idiot.

Blog tagline: Weird scenes inside the gold mine. (Because we’ve nearly reached The End.)

Glen’s trailer: ‘Always believe Soolin!’ It’s always a special treat when Glen decides to sing.

NOTES: One of the Hairy Bikers was responsible for this episode’s make-up. I just thought I’d throw that out there.

Comment: I remember getting a friend to tell me what happened, and his recollection was so bad I didn’t recognise anything he told me when I did see it. I think he told me they were stealing fruit! - Licence

D11: Orbit

Writer: Robert Holmes
Director: Brian Lighthill
Broadcast: 7 December 1981
Blogged: 19 August 2014

Blake’s 7’s 50th episode is written by Robert Holmes. (Sue thinks ‘Gold’ should have been the 50th episode, but what does she know?)

Sue: Come on, Robert!

She must have forgotten about the 2/10 she gave to ‘Traitor’.

Sue: You know you’re in for a treat when you see Robert’s name. Bring it on!

Scorpio is orbiting the planet Malodar.

Sue: I’ve only just noticed that the ship’s flight deck is modelled on the Sydney Opera House.

Malodar is a little on the chilly side.

Sue: At least it isn’t another sand pit. They should count themselves lucky.

Two men named Egrorian and Pinder have been waiting for the Scorpio to arrive.

Sue: OK, so we’ve got two mad dentists who think they’re in The Hills Have Eyes. I think I can go with this.

Egrorian is a wanted criminal. But, as Vila says, aren’t they all?

Sue: Is Soolin a criminal? When did that happen?
Me: Last week when she shot all those innocent mine workers to death.
Sue: Oh, OK. Fair enough.

Vila doesn’t believe that Egrorian is hiding on Malodar.

Vila: What is the point of having money if you have to exist on a hole like that!
Sue: Every planet in this universe is a hole like that. I still haven’t seen a planet with more than five people living on it.

Vila warns Avon that Egrorian’s invitation to meet for a chat could be a trap.

Avon: Why do you think I’m sending Tarrant?
Sue: I knew it. Avon wants Tarrant out of the way as soon as possible. I wouldn’t put it past Avon to set him up. I really wouldn’t.

Avon demands to see Egrorian’s face on the Scorpio’s viewer screen, much to the scientist’s dismay.

Sue: If I looked like him, I wouldn’t want to show my face either.

Avon decides to bring Vila with him to the meeting on Malodar.

Avon: After all, you always say you feel safe with me.
Sue: Did Avon just clip Vila round the ear?

Vila begs Avon to take one of the women instead. Egrorian may have forgotten what they look like, and Vila thinks they could help grease the wheels, so to speak.

Sue: It might work if Soolin or Dayna were blindfolded, I guess.

Scorpio leaves a small shuttle in its wake.

Sue: That was a lovely bit of Chroma. Simple but effective. I don’t know why they don’t do that sort of thing more often.

Avon puts his feet on the shuttle’s dashboard.

Sue: He’s got chewing gum stuck to his boots. Oh well, at least Avon seems to be enjoying himself this week. Is this what happens when you go completely round the bend, Neil?
Me: Why are you asking me?

There’s a rumour going around that Egrorian absconded from the Space Research Institute with a little help from a Federation insider.

Sue: I wonder who that could be.
Dayna: Servalan?
Sue: REALLY? DO YOU THINK?!

When they arrive on Malodar, Avon and Vila are subjected to a routine security screening.

Sue: Does the mad scientist want a sample? Do they have to piss in that urinal?

Egrorian and Pinder’s relationship is strained to put it mildly.

Sue: They remind me of Basil Fawlty and Manuel. And I don’t know why Avon or Vila would need a gun - Vila could take these two on his own. Oh God, look at the stains on his lab coat. That’s disgusting.

When Pinder addresses Avon as ‘Ma’am’, Egrorian explains that his assistant doesn’t understand the difference between men and women.

Sue: That’s a clue. They must have met Servalan quite recently. It’s hardly a twist, though, is it?

Egrorian butters Avon up.

Sue: This is very funny. I could watch these two all day. The make-up on the mad scientist is fantastic. It is make-up, isn’t it?

Egrorian eventually cuts to the chase:

Egrorian: Now, then, Avon. What would you say if I offered you mastery of the galaxy?
Avon: Oh, I would say thank you.
Sue: Ha! This is brilliant.

Egrorian introduces Avon to his Tachyon Funnel.

Sue: Is that a Tachyon TV? Is this where you got the name for your old website, Neil?
Me: No.
Avon: What does it do?
Sue: It tells crap jokes.
Me: OK, you can stop that now, love.

Egrorian demonstrates the funnel’s firepower with the destruction of a small moon.

Sue: That must have fucked up the planet it was orbiting. This has taken a dark turn. This was funny a minute ago, and now it’s a bit grim. It’s classic Robert Holmes, this.

Avon could wipe out the Federation with a weapon like that.

Sue: Hang on a minute. We’ve only got his word for it that it does what he says it does. They could have been watching anything on that TV screen. They’re far too trusting.

Egrorian makes Pinder vacate his seat so Vila can sit down.

Sue: They’re like an old married couple.
Me: Which one are you?
Sue: (ignoring me) And now he’s making a move on Vila. His boyfriend doesn’t like that one little bit. Aww, bless him.

Sue adores Pinder.

Sue: This is what Peter Capaldi will look like when he stops making Doctor Who.

Sue thinks she has it all figured out:

Sue: The old guy will try to kill Vila because he’s jealous of him. Or he’ll give Vila away to Servalan to get his own back. Yes, that’s probably it.

Pinder and Egrorian have been playing chess, which means Pinder knows the difference between a King and a Queen.

Sue: I said it was a clue. I just wish the clue wasn’t pointing to you-know-who.

Egrorian tortures Pinder when he catches him cheating.

Sue: He’s horrible. This isn’t funny any more, Neil.

Avon agrees to exchange Orac for the Tachyon Funnel, and when they take the shuttle back to Scorpio to pick up the arrogant supercomputer, Vila spends the entire journey imagining what he’ll do when he finally rules the galaxy.

Vila: I’ll have an imperial palace with solid diamond floors, and a bodyguard of a thousand handpicked virgins in red fur uniforms. Vila’s Royal Mounties.
Sue: Vila, you sick bastard.
Me: Forget Vila-world - that sounds like Benny Hill-world to me.

But Avon is suspicious, probably because he’s got Servalan on the brain.

Sue: His left eye just twitched. He’s turning into Michael Murray.

Guess what? Yes, Egrorian and Servalan are working together. And because Egrorian has the serious horn for the President/Supreme Commander/Commissioner/Whatever the hell she is this week, he’s literally throwing himself at her.

Sue: (as Servalan) It’s not you, it’s me. Honest.

Egrorian sinks to his knees and declares his undying loyalty to Servalan.

Sue: He’s well over-the-top but this is very entertaining. They should have made more comedy episodes like this one. The look on Servalan’s face is priceless.

And then Egrorian advances on Servalan a little too eagerly and they almost collide.

Sue: Ooh, that wasn’t supposed to happen. I bet they daren’t risk another take, though. This is probably the eighteenth take as it is. I don’t know how they kept a straight face during this scene.

Egrorian has a proposition for Servalan:

Egrorian: A connubial partnership, Servalan. Why not?
Sue: Does that mean what I think it means? It does? Bloody hell. His funnel had better work, that’s all I’m saying.

Now that he’s safely back on the Scorpio, Vila passes the time annoying Dayna and Soolin.

Sue: The banter is brilliant today. Everybody’s getting their fair share of funny lines. Good old Robert Holmes. Does he write any more episodes, Neil?
Me: No. In fact, this is the probably the last Robert Holmes’ story you’ll ever see, Sue.
Sue: Oh. That’s really sad.
Me: We could always watch ‘The Caves of Androzani’ after this, if you like.
Sue: OK.
Me: I was joking.
Sue: So was I.

Tarrant has visited Wikipedia and discovered that Pinder is only twenty-eight years old.

Sue: He must have got his head stuck in that funnel. It’s the only explanation I can think of. Maybe he’s still got the body of a twenty-eight year-old under that coat. Wouldn’t that be sad.

As Avon returns to Malodar with Vila and Orac (Sue loves the special effects, by the way), he admits that Servalan is never far from his thoughts.

Sue: Especially late at night, when he’s all alone and Orac’s gone to bed.

Even Tarrant is convinced that Servalan is behind it all.

Sue: If only they communicated with each other, they’d be on the same page for a change.

Avon hands Orac over to Egrorian.

Sue: That’s never Orac. Never in a million years. He’s too light. You can’t carry Orac one-handed, can you? Soolin could barely shift him a few weeks ago.

Avon’s suspicions are exacerbated when Egrorian accidentally mentions Servalan by name.

Egrorian: I was told she had assumed a new identity. One never knows what to believe these days!
Sue: She changed her name, I’ll give her that, but her identity is exactly the same as it’s always been. She’s hardly made any effort at all, really.
Me: I think Robert Holmes is taking the piss, Sue.

Egrorian runs a test on Orac and the computer correctly identities the subject of his degree, as well as its grade: Beta-Plus. Pinder laughs and Egrorian pinches his ear.

Sue: These two are a brilliant double-act. You can tell that they had a good time making this. It really comes across on screen.

Egrorian goes ballistic when Orac tells everyone that Egrorian’s degree was rescinded for gross misconduct.

Sue: He’s so hysterical, he makes Avon look normal. In fact, I think Paul Darrow has given up trying to compete with him.

Tarrant almost jumps for joy when Avon’s shuttle eventually leaves Malodar.

Tarrant: Well I’ll be damned!
Me: (as Steven Toast aka Matt Berry) Launch the NU-CLE-AR WEAPONS!

Safely back on the shuttle, Avon tells Vila that he made a fake Orac in his spare time, and that’s what he gave to Egrorian.

Sue: Do you think Avon ended up sniffing the glue when he put that model together? It would explain a lot.

And then the real Orac (who’s also on the shuttle) informs Avon and Vila that they won’t reach escape velocity.

Sue: I knew it was too good to be true. It always is in this programme.

Egrorian has it all worked out: the shuttle will crash in a swamp 200 miles away; Orac and the Tachyon Funnel will survive the impact, but Avon and Vila won’t.

Sue: Part of me wants him to succeed. Does that make me a bad person?

Avon switches to manual control and puts his foot down.

Sue: That was a nice touch, pushing Orac across the table like that, you know, to give us the impression that they’re flying at an angle. It’s very funny, too.

Vila is convinced that they’re both going to die.

Sue: This is very exciting all of a sudden. I wasn’t expecting this at all.

Sadly, the Scorpio can’t intervene.

Sue: Just point the Tachyon whatsit at the bad guys and threaten to kill them with it if they don’t sort this out. Simple. That’s if the bloody thing does what it says it does, and I’m not convinced that it does.

Servalan and Egrorian discuss a future without Pinder, but Pinder overhears their plans.

Sue: That’s settled, then. Pinder will save Avon’s life to spite them both.

Avon and Vila jettison the Tachyon Funnel in an attempt to reduce the shuttle’s weight.

Sue: What a complete waste of time. This happens every week - they always end up empty-handed. I don’t know why they bother any more. And the bad guy is completely screwed now, too.

But it isn’t enough - the shuttle is still seventy kilos overweight.

Sue: I bet that’s what Vila weighs.
Orac: Vila weighs seventy-three kilos, Avon.
Sue: No, wait. I was only joking!

Avon’s heart and mind are locked in combat as he considers Orac’s words. Unfortunately for Vila, Avon’s mind wins and he picks up a gun.

Avon: Vila?
Sue: Shit…

Avon goes in search of his ‘friend’.

Sue: Shit…

But Vila is nowhere to be seen, probably because he knows Avon better than anyone.

Sue: Shit. Shit. Shit. Is this really happening, Neil?
Avon: Vila? Vila, are you here? I need your help.
Sue: He couldn’t be more suspicious if he tried. If he didn’t want Vila to know what he had planned for him, he should be yelling at him with contempt, you know, like he usually does. Avon is never this friendly with Vila.

Avon advances on his prey.

Sue: Is Vila crying? Shit, he is, you know. This is horrible. Make it stop, Neil. I don’t like it.

Avon finds a fragment of a neutron star embedded in a cube of high tensile plastic. After lots of huffing and puffing, he single-handedly jettisons it via the shuttle’s airlock.

Sue: Unbelievable. Avon was really going to kill Vila - there’s no two ways about it. They can’t just pretend that didn’t happen.

When Vila crawls out of his hiding place, he’s an emotional wreck.

Sue: I’m not Vila’s biggest fan, as you know, Neil, but he didn’t deserve that. I’m shocked. And Orac can fuck off as well. How much did he weigh, eh?

Thanks to Avon’s ingenuity, the shuttle finally reaches escape velocity.

Sue: The floor manager has forgotten to poke Orac across the table with a broom. He should have slid onto the floor by now.

Egrorian’s plan is left in tatters, and Servalan leaves the scientist with nothing but a masturbatory fantasy and an old man for company.

Sue: Pinder will have to kill him now. It’s the only humane thing left to do.

Pinder bathes the laboratory in Hoffal’s radiation and Egrorian ages to death in a matter of seconds.

Sue: Gandalf! … I tell you what, Neil, he doesn’t improve with age.
Me: As a wise man recently said on Twitter: that’s another reclusive genius dead.
Sue: Serves him bloody right.

Avon tells the Scorpio’s crew that he disposed of the neutron star fragment without any help from Vila.

Vila: It’s a trip I won’t forget, Avon.
Sue: There’s no coming back from that. Their relationship must be over now. Vila will never be able to trust Avon again. And after everything they’ve been through, too. I’m shocked. And a bit upset.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: Wow. Well, it doesn’t get any better than that. I can’t fault it. Can I give it 11/10?
Me: No, it will bugger up the graphs.

10/10

Blog tagline: The Odd Couple.

Glen’s trailer: ‘Two mad old queens’ - I say!

NOTES: I got the name Tachyon TV from John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness. So now you know.

If you don’t know who Michael Murray is, you MUST watch Alan Bleasdale’s GBH. Like, immediately. It’s got Doctor Who references in it and everything!

This isn’t the last Robert Holmes story that Sue will ever see. She’s agreed to watch The Nightmare Man (a six-part BBC horror serial from 1981) for an ebook release in 2015. And it’s directed by Douglas Camfield, so that’ll be nice.

Comment: If this episode had gotten anything less than a 10, I’d have flailed and wept. - Beth

D12: Warlord

Writer: Simon Masters
Director: Viktors Ritelis
Broadcast: 14 December 1981
Blogged: 23 August 2014

Sue: What the hell is going on?

Stencilled zombies are roaming the planet Zondar.

Sue: Are we watching some performance art?

Bored security guards amuse themselves by murdering a bunch of doped-up civilians on an escalator. Even Nicol is disturbed, and she thought The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a comedy when I caught her watching it when she was 12.

Nicol: It reminds me of that level in Call of Duty where you have to machine-gun the innocent bystanders to death in an airport. It’s a bit grim.
Me: It’s basically Dawn of the Dead meets THX-1138.

And that’s when Nicol got up and left. Sue, on the other hand, remained slack-jawed throughout. And then she surprised me:

Sue: I don’t like the direction very much.
Me: What? Are you joking? It’s amazing!
Sue: I hate the Picture-in-Picture effect. It looks cheap. We’re supposed to be watching a drama here, not the fucking news.

Avon is hosting a conference on Xenon Base, and the delegates are an interesting bunch to say the least.

Sue: Earth, Wind and Fire have really let themselves go.

One of the delegates is running a little late.

Chalsa: Zukan isn’t here!
Me: I don’t think Rick James ever acted again after this.
Sue: Oh, I think he gave up acting long before this, Neil. And Marge Simpson just called. She wants her hair back.

The conference hasn’t exactly got off to a flying start, as Vila is quick to point out.

Sue: Have Vila and Avon had a conversation about what happened on that ship yet? I’ll be surprised if Vila is still talking to Avon, actually.

Avon hopes to forge an alliance that will defeat the Federation once and for all.

Sue: OK, so this is basically Babylon 5, but with weirder hair. And is that one over there a thawed-out Ice Warrior?

She finds it hard to believe that Avon has managed to stage such an important conference.

Sue: This must have taken them weeks of adventures we haven’t seen. I’m surprised all the delegates weren’t killed before they arrived.

An unidentified spaceship appears on Orac’s radar.

Freighter: This is Betafarl commercial freighter Lodestar.
Sue: Paedophile?
Zukan: This is Zukan, President of Betafarl.
Sue: President of Paedophile?

It’s safe to assume that Sue thinks Betafarl is a stupid name for a planet, and they should have changed it when they had the chance. Just imagine her shaking her head every time a character says ‘Betafarl’. And they say it quite a lot.

Anyway, Zukan finally arrives at the conference, just in time to formally greet the other delegates.

Sue: Are you sure he isn’t there for the X-Factor auditions?
Me: Hang on, Rick James is trying to speak again.
Chalsa: But words are no more than… words.
Sue: Jesus Christ. Make him stop!

Sue decides to focus on the delegates’ hair.

Sue: The stylist just went for it. One of them looks like he’s stuck his fingers in a plug socket. And as for the one with the pink knot on his head, I can just imagine how that conversation went: ‘Yes, you will look ridiculous BUT you’ll also look ten years younger!’

But Sue ain’t seen nothing yet. Just wait until she gets an eyeful of Zukan’s daughter, Zeeona.

Sue: Toyah!
Me: (singing) Ooh, I miss my Japanese Boy…
Sue: They’ve run out of money. They’ve obviously spent the budget on all the big guest stars we’ve had recently. They’ve had to resort to rank amateurs, now. It’s a shame, really.

Zeeona and Tarrant first met during an untelevised adventure when the team were running around the galaxy selling conference tickets, and Zeeona must have liked what she saw because she’s travelled a very long way to see him again.

Sue: Oh dear. Tarrant’s got a stalker. Actually, I’ve got a number he could call.

It isn’t long before Zeeona and Tarrant end up in bed together.

Sue: Tarrant can’t keep it in his trousers these days.
Me: And aliens aren’t forcing him do this, either. Unless you count her, of course.
Sue: This would make me feel sick.
Me: What? Kissing Tarrant?
Sue: No, the stupid green thing spinning in the background. That would put me right off.

Zukan isn’t very happy when he hears about Tarrant’s extramural activities, and when Avon eventually catches up with the permed Lothario, he forcibly pushes him into an off-screen corridor.

Sue: That was very funny, but we should have heard Tarrant scream when Avon slapped him across the face for being such a tart.

Zukan forbids his daughter to see Tarrant again and Zeeona cries herself to sleep over a sea of stars.

Sue: Wow. What a cheesy shot. Did that just happen, Neil?

Sue isn’t a fan of Avon’s new uniform, either.

Sue: The copper collar and the patches made from lace doilies isn’t really doing it for me. Put him back in black leather!

Soolin has been tasked with taking Zukan’s daughter back home in the Scorpio, but she teleports Zeeona into Tarrant’s loving arms instead.

Sue: Sutekh will be furious when he finds out.
Me: Zukan.
Sue: Whatever.

Zeeona and Tarrant can’t keep their hands off each other.

Sue: Oh, for God’s sake. Get a room!

Zeeona’s father, meanwhile, is definitely up to no good.

Sue: His hair must be giving him a terrible headache, the poor sod.

Soolin’s cupid stunt could ruin everything.

Avon: If it comes to a choice between the alliance and Zukan’s revenge, don’t think that I won’t sacrifice you.
Sue: We believe you, Avon. You’ve already made it perfectly clear that’ll you’ll happily throw your so-called friends under the bus.

Zeeona and Tarrant waltz back into the control room, reeking of sex.

Sue: That was quick. Oh wait, they’re going back for another go. That’s Tarrant’s third shag in fifteen minutes.

Orac detects a bomb in the teleport chamber, and the earth suddenly moves for everyone.

Sue: Ooh, things are very exciting all of a sudden. And just as I was beginning to tune out. That’s lucky.

The roof caves in on Orac.

Me: Orac’s dead.

No reaction.

Me: I said: Orac’s dead.
Sue: He’s a computer, Neil. He’s broken.

Dayna surveys the damage.

Dayna: Channel one dead. Two dead. We’ve got Channel Five!
Me: I love Glen Allen. I just wanted to say that.

And then Servalan pops up on Zukan’s ship.

Sue: Fuck’s sake.

Xenon Base’s oxygen supply will run out in eighteen hours.

Sue: Just think of the number of times Tarrant will be able to shag his new girlfriend before he dies. Hundreds, probably.

Avon and Soolin arrive on Betafarl. It appears to be deserted.

Sue: What was the point of that cheesy effect? The director is overreaching himself. There was no need for that.
Me: To be fair, he was trying to disguise the fact that they’ve LANDED ON THE SAME PLANET THEY ALWAYS DO!

A Federation trooper is hiding under a sand dune. Yes, it’s an ambush.

Sue: How long has Rambo been hiding there? He must be good at holding his breath. Can’t fucking shoot straight, though.

Federation reinforcements somersault over a nearby ridge.

Sue: Now they’re just showing off.
Avon: Federation guards!
Sue: Guards? They look like they belong in a fucking circus!

The so-called guards are flinging themselves down ravines like there’s no tomorrow.

Sue: Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

Our heroes are outnumbered and outgunned, and Sue gasps when Soolin turns the tables on Avon and sticks a gun in his back.

Sue: See! It doesn’t feel very nice when a friend betrays your trust, does it, Avon?

It’s only when Soolin assumes Zeeona’s identity that the penny finally drops.

Sue: Ooh, that’s very clever. They should put Soolin in charge for a bit. Let’s see what happens.

Servalan wants Avon’s corpse transported to her ship.

Sue: She’s lying. She wants to marry him. It’s written all over her face.
Me: It really isn’t, Sue.

Before she leaves Zukan’s ship, Servalan plants a bomb on it.

Sue: Tarrant’s girlfriend isn’t the only one who’s getting shafted this week.

The Federation guards decide to kill Avon by crucifying him upside down on a sand dune. Well you would, wouldn’t you?

Sue: Eh? What the fuck? Surely they can’t be running that low on bullets.

Soolin attacks a guard with her sonic screwdriver (Sue’s words, not mine).

Sue: Ooh, right where it hurts. You go, girl!

Soolin makes short work of the guards (and breaks the laws of physics while she’s doing it).

Sue: She’s shooting into the air!
Me: The bullets fall back to earth and land on the guards’ heads. Clever, eh?
Sue: Or maybe the director is out of his depth. I mean, who’s flying the Scorpio right now? Whatever happened to continuity?! The direction is fucking terrible. Sorry, but it is.

Vila has his second nervous breakdown of the week.

Sue: Calm down, Vila. You’ve been through worse than this. Only a couple of days ago, in fact.
Me: We’re almost at the end of Blake’s 7, Sue. Has your opinion of Vila changed at all?
Sue: Yes, it has. I feel sorry for him; I certainly don’t want any harm to come to him. He’s still a bit of a numpty, though.

Zukan’s sabotage has released a radioactive airborne virus. The swine.

Sue: It never rains but it pours. I’d start shagging Tarrant right now if I were her.

Zukan unloads his troubles onto his loyal assistant, Finn, who’s the spitting double of Jeremy Renner, although Sue can’t see it.

Zukan: Get me a drink.
Sue: I’ll have a Kia-Ora if there’s one going.

After Finn finishes topping-up the warlord’s fruit juice, he discovers Servalan’s bomb, which then goes off, killing him instantly.

Sue: It’s all gone a bit Top of the Pops. Just because the edit suite has a special effect, it doesn’t mean you have to use it.

When Vila, who is completely pissed by this point, blames Zeeona for getting them into this mess, Tarrant almost knocks his block off.

Sue: Bloody hell! Are the crew taking it in turns to kill Vila? Leave him alone!

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this or not, but Sue isn’t the director’s biggest fan. Which is funny because I thought she’d love Viktors Ritelis. And then a hand-held camera gets into Zukan’s face as his ship begins to tear itself apart.

Sue: Oh, this is all right, I suppose. I just can’t take the actor seriously. He’s too theatrical.

Zukan bargains with Avon: if he saves him, Zukan will tell him how his friends can obtain a fresh supply of oxygen.

Zukan: If two of them volunteer to die, the oxygen they have left will last the rest of them.
Sue: That’s his solution? I’d let him die for that, the sarcastic cunt.

Zukan’s ship is on its last legs.

Sue: He’ll never survive fifteen hours like that. He’ll drown in his own vomit first.

Zukan doesn’t believe that his daughter is still on Xenon Base.

Zukan: No! No! You’re not there! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!
Sue: Switch your audio-only Skype call to video, you fool!

Avon finds a solution without Zukan’s help.

Sue: This bit is quite good, actually. They need to reverse the polarity of the whatsit. Obviously.

Zukan, meanwhile, is haunted by a vision of his daughter.

Me: NO! YOU’RE NOT THERE!
Sue: (singing) Heathcliff, it’s me Cathy!

And then another face appears outside Zukan’s window – Servalan’s.

Me: NO! SHE’S NOT THERE, EITHER!

Zukan accepts his fate with arms outstretched and mouth wide open.

Sue: He looks like he’s expecting to regenerate. The idiot.

Crash-zoom into Zeeona’s startled face.

Sue: I’ve lost count of the number of times the director has annoyed me, now.

Zeeona volunteers to fix the damage caused by her father.

Sue: She’s dead, then.

Tarrant isn’t very happy about this, but Sue doesn’t have much sympathy for him.

Me: I thought you liked Tarrant?
Sue: I did, but he’s turned into a space slag. He thinks he’s James Bond, shagging his way round the galaxy. But he isn’t.

Sue also refuses to cut the director’s Rope homage any slack.

Sue: The director thinks he’s Alfred Hitchcock. What a joke. He couldn’t direct traffic. They should have got a woman in to direct this. When will they ever learn?

Tarrant desperately wants to save Zeeona, which makes Avon break into a smile/grimace/God only knows.

Sue: What was that look for? Is Avon pleased that Tarrant’s girlfriend is dead? Ooh, what a bastard. Never get on the wrong side of Avon.

Tarrant teleports to Xenon Base with Dayna.

Tarrant: Zeeona! Zeeona!
Sue: It’s too late, Tarrant. SHE ISN’T THERE!

Zeeona has been killed thanks to a rookie mistake.

Dayna: She took her glove off.
Sue: That will teach her to paint her nails in the middle of a radioactive crisis.

Cue Credits.

The Score

Sue: I didn’t like that episode very much. The direction was appalling, the editing was shoddy and the acting was all over the place. Some of the action scenes were great, and some of the action scenes were hilarious. It had its moments, I suppose, but at the end of the day it was… average.
Me: Orac’s still dead.
Sue: Shut up, Neil.

5/10

Blog tagline: The name of the place is Xenon Base.

Glen’s trailer: ‘Day 12 on Xenon Base and a big bomb has buggered up the central heating…’ Glen recruits Marcus ‘Big Brother’ Bentley to the cause. There are no… words… to describe how happy this made me feel.

Comment: Given that Blake’s 7 was being influenced so heavily by then-current political figures, did Rick James model his performance on Michael Foot? - Dave Sanders

D13: Blake

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Mary Ridge
Broadcast: 21 December 1981
Blogged: 28 August 2014

Before we begin, let’s get something out of the way:

Me: Do you know what happens at the end of Blake’s 7, Sue?
Sue: No.
Me: Are you sure about that?
Sue: Quite sure.
Me: What if I said Bob Fischer and John Williams told you what happened at the end of Blake’s 7, two and a half years ago?
Sue: I’d say I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone something John Williams told me two and a half years ago.
Me: Well, he didn’t exactly tell you, but you were in the room when he said it.
Sue: I still don’t know what you’re talking about, Neil.

I’m talking about our appearance on Bob Fischer’s BBC Tees radio show on December 20 2011, back when the Wife in Space blog was knee-deep in Jon Pertwee. Because in the middle of that show, this happened:

Bob: Do you know what terrible thought has just struck me? It’s not the 30th anniversary of the final episode of Blake’s 7, is it?
John: It’s not. I think it was the 21st.
Bob: That’s tomorrow. 1981 -
Sue: You sad lot.
John: It was a big year, 1981.
Me: Suicide rates went through the roof, didn’t they?
Bob: Blake’s 7 Christmas special: everybody dies.
John: (laughing) Everybody dies.
Bob: (laughing even more) Every single person dies!
John: Letters in the Radio Times: ‘I’ve just been made redundant, and I thought I’d get a bit of enjoyment from Blake’s 7 and everybody dies.’
Bob: Enjoyable escapism.
John: The creak of ropes with bodies hanging from them around the country after that episode went out…

So there you have it. But was she listening? Did she care? And, even more importantly, does she remember?

Sue: Was John Williams on the radio with us that night? I’d completely forgotten he was there.

To be fair to Sue, I spoke to John about this a couple of days ago, and he couldn’t remember the conversation, either. So I believe her. Plus, she swore on our cats’ lives, and she wouldn’t do that unless she meant it.

Me: OK, then, so if you had to guess, what do you think happens at the end of Blake’s 7?
Sue: It was all a dream.
Me: Have another go.
Sue: Well, I expect things to come to a head between Servalan and Avon, of course. And I bet it ends on a cliffhanger. Does it end on a cliffhanger?

I press Play.

Sue: I can’t believe this is the last time I’ll ever hear this music. (She sings along to it for a bit.) I feel quite sad.

And then the first bombshell of the evening drops into her lap.

Sue: Blake! Is Blake in this? Is that the big twist? Fuck me, I wasn’t expecting that. I’m pleased, though. Blake will sort Avon out.

Scorpio leaves Xenon Base for the last time.

Sue: This season has been a complete disaster for Avon. All those people he wanted to join his army are now dead, and he’s homeless again, too. What a waste of a year.

Avon has tracked Blake to the planet Gauda Prime.

Sue: Is it made from cheese?

(I should point out that Sue didn’t listen to Glen’s trailer before she saw this episode; when I played it to her later she blushed when Paul Darrow mentioned her by name.)

Anyway, a bounty hunter is busy roasting a rabbit.

Sue: Blake! It’s Blake. Bloody hell, it’s actually Blake. What’s happened to him?

Blake has been in the wars.

Sue: Oh no, his eye is almost missing.
Me: Does he remind you of anyone?
Sue: Oh God, yes. Blake’s turned into Travis. That’s interesting. He isn’t working for Servalan, is he? He can’t be.

A young woman named Arlen interrupts Blake’s dinner.

Sue: This forest is nicely lit. It’s very atmospheric. And it makes a nice change from another sand pit. This is probably one of the best shit holes we’ve ever visited. Who directed this episode?
Me: Mary Ridge.
Sue: There you go, then.

Avon admits that he would have left Blake alone if Zukan hadn’t been such an arsehole last week.

Sue: He wanted to show Blake that he could do it without him. But he couldn’t. They need each other. It’s nice. I like it.

Arlen is being hunted by bounty hunters, but it turns out that Blake is the biggest and baddest bounty hunter of them all.

Sue: How did Blake end up like this? What’s gone wrong with him?

Back on the Scorpio, Slave gets into a fight with Orac, which means the crew won’t discover they’re about to come under attack until it’s too late to do anything about it.

Sue: That was funny. Stupid, but funny.

Blake escorts Arlen back to his base.

Sue: I can’t tell what’s more wooden - the actress or the stick she’s leaning on.

Scorpio is out of control and heading for Gauda Prime.

Sue: It’s a good job they’re wearing seat belts. Look at that - they’re upside down!

Two spaceships have appeared out of nowhere to ruin their day.

Sue: They walked straight into this. Who are they anyway? Their ships look like spinning tops.

Avon tells Tarrant to pretend to crash the ship; Tarrant tells him he won’t have to fake it.

Sue: What happened to all those amazing enhancements they made to their ship? They should be able to get out of this.

Scorpio is going to crash.

Sue: Just teleport off the bloody thing!
Vila: We can use the teleport!
Sue: Even Vila knows what to do!

Dayna, Soolin and Vila teleport to Gauda Prime. But when it’s Tarrant and Avon’s turn to abandon ship, Tarrant refuses to budge.

Sue: Oh no. Avon is going to leave Tarrant there to die. He didn’t even try to talk Tarrant out of it. I bet he doesn’t even say goodbye.
Avon: Goodbye, Tarrant.
Sue: Oh, thank God for that. Does this mean he’s forgiven him for sleeping with Servalan?
Me: And that just about wraps things up for Tarrant.
Sue: No way! Does he die? Really? I suppose they don’t need him now that Blake is back.

An out-of-control Scorpio roars across the sky above Avon’s head.

Sue: It’s a shame we won’t see the ship crash. Nice wind machine, though.

And then Sue gets her wish.

Sue: Wow. We really are going to see it crash. Hey, this isn’t bad at all. Come on, Tarrant, you can land this thing.

When Scorpio hits the ground, the ship’s seating arrangements take an abrupt turn for the worse.

Me: Scream if you want to go faster!
Sue: He did it! He’s landed it. He’s fine.

And then the ship tears itself apart and Tarrant meets a grisly end. Honest.

Sue: Oh dear. At least he died a hero. He got the ship there so the others will be able to repair it later.
Me: It’s going to take more than a screwdriver and some MDF to fix that, Sue.

Avon considers his next move.

Avon: All right, Orac, where is the nearest settlement and how do I get to it?
Sue: In other words: initiate Google Maps, Orac.

Blake reports to a man named Deva.

Sue: I like Blake’s outfit. It’s very Game of Thrones. He should have looked like this from the start.

Blake is a bounty hunter who apparently doesn’t have a conscience.

Sue: I bet Avon is the next person on his list. He’ll be sent to capture his friend, but he won’t go through with it. Not Blake. Never.

A technician named Klyn informs Deva that a spaceship has crashed in a nearby plantation.

Me: She’s Paul Darrow’s wife.
Sue: Is she? Did they meet on the show?
Me: No, they were already married.
Sue: Aww, that’s nice. Do they share any scenes together?

Blake is given his next assignment.

Sue: What happened for Blake to get into this state? His make-up is fabulous, by the way.

Deva warns Blake that time is running out.

Deva: The representative from the Federation High Council could come at any moment.
Sue: I wonder who that will be. Still, it is the last episode. Ah! I know! Does Avon kill Servalan? Is that how it ends?

Orac warns Avon that he may have to spend the night in a forest.

Avon: When I want your impersonation of a pain, I’ll let you know.
Sue: Ha! I really am going to miss this show. Hang on. Avon’s carrying Orac in one hand. I don’t think he should be doing that.

As night falls, Dayna, Soolin and Vila discover a cabin in the woods. Dayna kicks the door in.

Sue: There goes any protection that place may have given them. That hole will create one hell of a draught.
Vila: Are you serious? The state the roof’s in, it’s the same as spending a night in the open.
Sue: You should have come in through the roof, then!

Vila is sent to search for firewood.

Sue: Just use the door you’ve just smashed in. There it is, over there. You won’t have to go far.

Meanwhile, in the Scorpio’s charred remains…

Sue: Come on, Tarrant. Don’t be dead.
Me: He’s dead, Sue. Just look at him.
Sue: He isn’t … Is he?
Me: At least Slave is still alive, so it’s not all bad news.

Tarrant stirs in the wreckage.

Sue: He’s alive! Come on, Tarrant! I knew they wouldn’t kill him. If they were going to kill him they would have blown him up in space; it would have been a lot easier to film.

Slave, however, is damaged beyond repair.

Slave: Crash damage and power loss make it impossible for me to continue. May I express the humble hope that the same is not true for you, Tarrant.
Sue: Aww. That was sweet. I didn’t like him as much as Zen, but that was really sad.

Tarrant has to scramble for cover when a flyer opens fire on the Scorpio’s wreckage. And then Blake turns up to save the day.

Sue: This looks amazing when you consider that it was shot in a TV studio. Everything about it - the lighting, the camera moves, the set - brilliant. Why wasn’t Blake’s 7 like this all the time?

When Vila turns his back on the hole where the cabin’s door used to be, a pair of bounty hunters waltz into the property with surprise on their side.

Sue: Vila, you numpty!

Luckily for Vila, Avon comes to the rescue.

Sue: This episode feels like a Western to me. The only thing missing from this scene is some horses.
Avon: The fire was stupid. Putting Vila on guard was suicidal. What’s the matter, is staying alive too complicated for you?
Sue: Brilliant. I’m really going to miss Avon’s banter.

Avon refuses to answer Vila when he repeatedly asks him where Tarrant is.

Sue: This is brilliant. Avon thinks he’s dead, but he won’t tell them the truth. He never tells them the truth. They should know that by now.

And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Tarrant and Blake finally get to lock perms.

Sue: Of course, they’ve never met before, have they. Although you’d think Tarrant would know what Blake looked like, with Blake being so famous. Even if he did have a massive scar over his eye.

Blake seems to playing mind games with Tarrant.

Sue: Blake found a teleport bracelet in the wreckage. So he must know. So why doesn’t he just say something?

Blake flies Tarrant back to base in his flyer.

Sue: This isn’t half bad. They’ve definitely pushed the boat out for the last episode. I’m so glad this is a good one.

However, when Avon’s gang climb into their commandeered flyer, Sue feels compelled to sing The Jetsons theme song.

Sue: It’s a good job they didn’t do another series after this. Imagine if this had been their spaceship for a whole year.
Me: I’d have paid good money to see that.

Tarrant tries to mask his surprise when Blake mentions a young smuggler named Jenna.

Sue: So Jenna’s definitely dead, then?
Me: It looks that way.
Sue: Blake could be lying. She could be back at his place. He’s obviously testing Tarrant, although I don’t know why he doesn’t just tell him who he is. Talk to each other!

When Klyn detects an unauthorised flyer in the area, she suspects that the Federation’s observers must have arrived.

Sue: (checking her watch) Servalan’s cutting it a bit fine.

When they reach Deva’s office, Blake hands over the wanted criminal.

Sue: I don’t believe it. Blake is pretending. He must be. Blake can’t be the bad guy - it wouldn’t be right.

She’s spot on, of course. Blake tests his recruits before he tells them the truth - he’s raising an army to fight the Federation.

Sue: Thank God for that.

Tarrant escapes from Blake’s clutches before he can discover the truth. When he reaches the base’s tracking station, he wrestles Klyn to the floor.

Sue: Paul Darrow won’t be very happy when he sees that.

And then Tarrant gets into a fight with Bobby Ball and all hell breaks loose.

(This was Nicol’s cue to start filming Sue on her iPhone. Please see my notes below for a full explanation.)

Sue is biting her nails down to the bone as Avon enters the control room and shoots Klyn dead.

Sue: He just shot his wife! Wow.

Blake enters the fray. Tarrant tells Avon that Blake has sold them out to the Federation.

Sue: It’s all Tarrant’s fault.

Avon loses the plot. And he’s got a gun.

Sue: He’s not going to shoot him…

Avon shoots Blake. There’s blood everywhere.

Sue: NO!

Avon shoots Blake again, just to make sure.

Sue: I can’t believe he did that.

Blake staggers towards Avon, his guts spilling out onto the floor.

Sue: He’s going to give him a cuddle, isn’t he?

Blake falls down and dies.

Sue: Can’t believe that.
Me: Pretty grim, yeah?
Sue: Especially when Avon finds out.

Arlen shoots Deva.

Sue: She’s working for Servalan, isn’t she? She’s Servalan’s protégé.

Arlen shoots Dayna, and then Sue’s jaw drops open as it slowly dawns on her…

Sue: Do they all get shot?

Vila is shot in the back.

Sue: Yeah, but they might not be dead…

The place is swarming with Federation troops.

Sue: Oh, it’s Servalan.

Soolin and Tarrant are the next members of the gang to die.

Sue: If only he’d stayed half-dead in the Scorpio.

Avon is surrounded.

Sue: It’s like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Me: Yeah, and he’s both of them.
Sue: Does Avon know that he’s killed his friend?
Me: Yeah, he knows he’s made a big mistake.
Sue: Then he’ll kill himself, probably.

And then Sue asks the question that’s on everybody’s lips:

Sue: Where’s Orac?

Avon raises his gun. You can hear a pin drop as he smiles.

Sue: And that’s how it ends?

Cue credits and the sound of gunfire.

Me: Are you upset?
Sue: Yeah, I think they could have ended it better than that… Obviously they knew it wasn’t coming back, and if it’s never coming back, I suppose you’ve got to go out like that, haven’t you…
Me: Do you think they’re all dead?
Sue: I don’t know… Oh, I don’t know! I don’t want them to be, but you’d think so, wouldn’t you? Blake’s obviously dead…

Servalan was conspicuous by her absence.

Sue: Unless, at the end, she says ‘Stop!’?

Her next theory is that the Federation troops fired at the ceiling, but even she knows she’s grasping at straws.

Sue: Tarrant, you fucking idiot!

The Score

10/10

(She wanted to give it an 11 but, you know, graphs and stuff.)

After a heated discussion about the ethics of filming your wife in their pyjamas without obtaining their permission first, we talked about what just happened.

Me: You really didn’t know?
Sue: I had no idea. I still can’t believe it. I thought one of them might die, but not all of them. I feel numb.

My wife is in denial when it comes to Avon.

Sue: I think he’s still alive. You didn’t see any blood when the others got shot, like you did with Blake, who’s definitely dead. And if they are dead, why were so many shots fired at the end? Maybe the others got their guns back and they fought their way out. Or maybe Orac teleported Avon out at the last second and the guards shot themselves by mistake? No? It could have happened, Neil.

At the end of the day, she’s impressed, if a little shocked.

Sue: It must have been a very brave thing to do back then. Actually, I don’t think they’d do something like that on TV today. It’s too depressing. Yeah, Blake’s 7 was years ahead of its time.

And on that bombshell, we are down and safe.

Blog tagline: Merry Christmas!

Glen’s trailer: Fucking hell! It’s Paul Darrow!

NOTES: This isn’t the first time that Paul Darrow has helped me out when it comes to this particular episode of Blake’s 7. Back when I was a university lecturer, part of my job involved explaining to undergraduate students how the programme’s bleak, dystopian vision of the future savagely reflected Britain’s sociopolitical decline at the moment of its transmission. Honest.

Anyway, I’d demonstrate this to them with a screening of the final episode (I didn’t care if they saw it out-of-context or not). And every year, without fail, everyone in the lecture theatre would laugh at it. And I do mean laugh. It would start with a snigger (Vila), rise to a chortle (Tarrant) and culminate in a wave of hysterical braying (Avon).

I got fed up with this after the third year running, so the last time I took the module, I asked someone who worked with Paul Darrow if he’d do me a favour, and he agreed. And after the students finished laughing, I played this pre-recorded message:

Paul Darrow: Dear students, that scene was supposed to be serious. You should be ashamed for laughing at my very best work. You bastards! Neil? Where did you get this lot from? They seem a bit… special.

It was well worth the written warning.

Nicol secretly filmed Sue’s reaction to the last five minutes on her iPhone, which explains the weird aspect ratio, the bad sound and the poor lighting, but it was the only way to do it without tipping Sue off. You can watch it on our YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/neilperryman/

This also explains why Sue looks towards the camera a couple of times; she’s actually looking at Nicol, who, as far as Sue is concerned, is browsing the internet on her phone, which is what she always does when Blake’s 7 is on. So I’m a genius. Or I would have been a genius if my wife hadn’t turned up to watch the final episode in her pyjama bottoms and - to paraphrase Sue – with no make-up on and her hair a fucking clip. In fact, it was touch-and-go whether she’d let me publish the video at all.

Finally, we watched the short spoof film, Blake’s Junction 7 (which features our heroes bumping into Servalan in a motorway service station) a few hours after ‘Blake’. Sue loved it, especially the bits where Orac is drowned in Brown Ale, and a clearly smitten Blake bumps into Avon in the toilets. You can find it on YouTube easily enough.

Comment: Blake’s 7 helped prepare me for adult life with this message: The future will be just as shit as it is now but with better stuff, the good guys will nearly always lose, corruption is everywhere and cruel women are sexy! - Geoff

Down and Safe

It’s over to our readers one last time.

Tony B: Did they all die? Could there have been a fifth series, and what would have happened in it?
Sue: They could have brought it back if they really wanted to. Like I’ve said before, those shots we heard at the end could have been the guards firing at the ceiling.
Me: And why would they do that?
Sue: To put the shits up Avon.
Me: So Avon shot a few guards while they were pranking him?
Sue: A couple. Yes. Look, does it matter? They could have been using stun guns. We didn’t see any blood.
Me: OK, so they could have brought the programme back. Should they have brought the programme back?
Sue: Probably not. I just don’t like the idea of Servalan winning. It isn’t fair. If they’d brought it back, and Avon had got his shit together, and they actually brought the Federation down, that would have been a much nicer ending. But then you’d ruin the ending we’ve got now. I really wanted a happy ending, but they were right to end it there.
Ruth Deller: Of the twelve members of the Seven (the nine human(oids) and three computers), who would Sue’s definitive Seven be?
Sue: Give me a pen.

Me: You’ve put Vila on this list.
Sue: You can’t have Blake’s 7 without Vila. That would be silly.
Me: This list is basically the original cast without Gan.
Sue: Yes, I know. It’s classic.
Annie W: Is once enough or are there episodes of Blake’s 7 that you would voluntarily watch again?
Sue: I’m never going to say, ‘Hey! Let’s watch some Blake’s 7, Neil’ but there are a few episodes I’d watch again if he put them on. As long as something better wasn’t on the other side, obviously. I don’t know what the episodes are called, but I’d like to see the one with Tarrant’s brother again (‘Death-Watch’) – that was excellent; the one where Servalan was chained to a wall was a good one, too (‘Rumours of Death’); and I’d like the see the last episode again. But not for a while. It still feels raw.
Catherine: What (if anything) do you think you will remember from the show in thirty years time, and what will you prefer to have forgotten?
Sue: If I’m still alive in thirty years time (which I won’t be), knowing my luck the Alzheimer’s would have kicked in by then and the only thing I’ll remember is us watching Blake’s 7 together. I won’t be able to remember Nicol’s name but I’ll remember Travis. Both of them. But seriously, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the ending. Or Avon. He’s one of the best characters I’ve ever seen on television. And the thing I’d prefer to forget? That’s easy: the alien catheter cock monster. But I can’t.
John Williams: When are you watching Star Maidens?
Sue: I don’t even know what that is.
Me: The answer, John, is never.
Chris Allen: If Sue was a member of the Seven, would she prefer Blake or Avon to be her leader?
Sue: I’d be the one in charge, thank you very much. But if I had to be under one of them -
Me: For fuck’s sake, Sue.
Sue: I’d choose Blake.
Me: Would you like me to repeat the question?
Sue: Blake’s heart was in the right place. He meant well, which would have made him easier to follow. And Avon went mad at the end; I wouldn’t like to follow someone who was insane and had nothing to lose. Oh, and Avon would murder you if you pissed him off, so you’d be constantly worried about that as well. And thanks to him, they all got killed at the end, so he wasn’t the best boss in the world. Yeah, I’d choose Blake.
Taylor Edwards: OK, Sue, what’s best: Blake’s 7 or Doctor Who?
Sue: You can’t compare them. Well, you can, but it’s pointless. I enjoyed Blake’s 7 because it was smaller and easier to digest, but it didn’t have the same variety that you get with Doctor Who. Even if Doctor Who was going through a bad patch, you always knew that something better was coming up. With Blake’s 7, the episodes counted a lot more, because there weren’t so many of them, so it was more disappointing when they messed them up.
Me: But you enjoyed it?
Sue: Oh yes. When it was good, it was very good. You can see how it’s left its mark – it’s influenced lots of things. I’m really glad I saw it. In fact, I miss it already.

Afterword

One of our Kickstarter rewards was the chance to quiz Sue for this book. Step forward the very generous Derek Handley. (He isn’t that Derek Handley, by the way. He’s another Derek Handley. Although that Derek Handley did help me out with something else, back when we were doing Wife in Space blog. So yes, it’s very confusing, but in a good way. Because you can never have too many Derek Handleys.)

Derek: What were you expecting when you started Blake’s 7, Sue? Did you think it would be similar to Doctor Who?
Sue: Yes, I thought it would be very similar to Doctor Who in that it was a science fiction series made in a BBC television studio in the late 1970s. However, I also knew that it was going to be a bit grittier than Doctor Who, but that’s only because Neil told me in advance. In fact, that’s how he sold it to me. He said it was like Babylon 5 crossed with Farscape. Neil tends to exaggerate. What I didn’t expect was for it to be that gritty – all that child molesting and all those senseless deaths. That surprised me.
Derek: Were the crew and their mission always doomed to fail? Do you think that’s part of what the show is trying to say - that ‘the system’ is always too strong? Or am I giving the writers too much credit?
Sue: The good guys were useless, weren’t they? They never seemed to win, although I still wanted them to win, and I expected them to win. I honestly thought the last episode would end with Blake or Avon winning something. The only alternative was that it would end on a big cliffhanger. Which it sort of did, even though it clearly didn’t. I just think it was made at a time when everybody was depressed, and no one expected the bad guys to win any more.
Derek: One of the big playground discussions when the series ended was how Vila faked being shot and actually survived. Vila being dead was just too upsetting! I remember that was something kids wrote to Blake’s 7 magazine about. Why do you think Vila appealed to kids so much?
Sue: I understand why children identified with Vila. I didn’t identify with him, but I can understand why kids would. It’s because Vila acted like a schoolboy. And he was funny, and nobody wants the clown to die, do they? Because that would be horrible. And Vila was bullied, too, and I bet that helped some of the kids identify with him even more. Is that why you liked him so much, Neil?
Derek: Did it continue to bug you that Blake never cleared his name? You mentioned that at the end of the first, second and third seasons.
Sue: Yes, especially now that you’ve mentioned it, Derek. It means Blake will go down in history as a child molesting bounty hunter. It doesn’t seem fair. Blake’s 7 was very bleak.
Derek: What’s the end of Servalan’s story? What happens to ‘Commissioner Sleer’ after the end of the series?
Sue: God knows. I don’t care. (After I force her to care) She probably lands on an alien planet in a pair of high heels, trips over and breaks her neck. Serves her right, too.
Derek: Why do you feel shows like Doctor Who and Blake’s 7 have such enduring popularity?
Sue: It’s a combination of nostalgia and escapism. In Neil’s case, they’re one and the same thing. And I think people are still fascinated with Blake’s 7 because of that ending. I don’t think people would remember it so fondly if the series had ended happily, which is what I wanted. Which just goes to show what I know.
Derek: Do you have any advice for people who’d like to share their favourite show or hobby with their spouse?
Sue: First of all, I would definitely recommend it. It’s good to do things together. What’s the worst thing that could happen? You’ll get divorced. And that isn’t such a big deal, trust me.
Me: Derek just got married.
Sue: Well, then, it’s the perfect time to start doing it. The key thing is to keep going when the honeymoon is over. Although you’ve got to set some ground rules before you start: it has to work both ways - there has to be some give-and-take. And you have to have some patience, too. If you don’t like it at first, give it some time before you give up on it. If you still hate it after two or three attempts, well, at least you tried.
Me: If you take that answer out of context, it sounds like -
Sue: Shut up, Neil. And thank you, Derek, for all your lovely questions. There’s only one Derek Handley as far as I’m concerned.

Sue’s Scores

Aftermath: Probably the best episode so far. – 9/10
Powerplay: I really enjoyed that. – 9/10
Volcano: I’ve seen worse. – 4/10
Dawn of the Gods: That was dreadful. – 2/10
The Harvest of Kairos: Irredeemable sexist crap. – 0/10
City at the Edge of the World: I loved that. – 9/10
Children of Auron: Servalan’s best story so far. – 8/10
Rumours of Death: I can’t fault it. – 10/10
Sarcophagus: Paul Darrow was amazing. – 9/10
Ultraworld: That was fun. – 8/10
Moloch: Did we really have to root for a rapist? – 3/10
Death-Watch: Brilliant. – 10/10
Terminal: Fucking brilliant. – 10/10
Rescue: That was disappointing. – 3/10
Power: I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. – 7/10
Traitor: Well, that was shit. – 2/10
Stardrive: A rollercoaster ride of non-stop excitement. – 8/10
Animals: MAKE IT STOP! – 1/10
Headhunter: Avon’s best story in ages. – 7/10
Assassin: The direction, acting and script let it down. – 5/10
Games: I enjoyed that one a lot. – 8/10
Sand: If only they’d gone on location. – 8/10
Gold: That was brilliant. – 9/10
Orbit: It doesn’t get any better than that. – 10/10
Warlord: I didn’t like that very much. – 5/10
Blake: NO! – 10/10

Sue's Best and Worst

Sue scored the following episodes 9/10 or above:

A8: Duel
B5: Pressure Point
C1: Aftermath
C2: Powerplay
C6: City at the Edge of the World
C8: Rumours of Death
C9: Sarcophagus
C12: Death-Watch
C13: Terminal
D10: Gold
D11: Orbit
D13: Blake

Sue scored the following episodes 2/10 or below:

A5: The Web
B6: Trial
C4: Dawn of the Gods
C5: The Harvest of Kairos
D3: Traitor
D5: Animals

If you like graphs, and you’re interested in series averages, you should definitely take a look at this work of art, created by Paul Smith at Wonderful Books -http://thewifeandblake.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/wifeblake_2000.jpg

coming soon from
Sue Me Books

January 2015:

The Wife in Space Versus
Everything Else

March 2015:

The Miserable Git:
The Wife in Space Volume 1

July 2015:

The Scruffy Drunk:
The Wife in Space Volume 2

December 2015:

The Wife Has Been Assigned:
Sapphire and Steel