Adventures with the Wife and Blake Volume One
Author: Neil Perryman, Sue Perryman
Date: 0101-01-01 00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: TV Nonfiction
Publisher: Sue Me Books

Adventures with the Wife and Blake

Volume 1: The Blake Years

Neil and Sue Perryman

Copyright 2014, Neil and Sue Perryman
Published by Sue Me Books
All rights reserved

Blake’s 7 and all related concepts are copyright B7 Enterprises Ltd, and are used under the principle of fair use

Geodesic dome image:
Copyright Rozenn Leard | Dreamstime.com

Acknowledgements

We would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who supported this, our difficult second album, especially Glen Allen, John Williams, Mr Andy Miller, Simon Harries, Paul Jones, Gareth Roberts, Steven Schapansky, Royston Robertson, John Callaghan, Paul Smith, Dean Hill, Annie Worrall, Will Joy, Daniel Blythe, Nicol Perryman, and the one and only Paul Darrow.

We are also deeply indebted to all the Kickstarter backers who gave us their support (and hard cash) to make this project a reality, especially Matthew Kopelke, Matt Hills, Jon Cole, Derek Handley, Matthew Trulock, Jamie Baverstock, Ian Greaves, Paul Morris, Joe McIntyre, Scott Fenton, Gareth Martland, Liam Hutchinson, Chaz Antonelli, Frank Shailes, Christopher Reynolds, Robbie Moubert, Tony Lyell, Neil Smith, Bradley Forssman, Kirk Moore, Matthew Sweet, Mat Dolphin, John Paul Green, Nathan Cooke, Frank Collins, Jonathan Grove, Phil Ware, Kate Short, Graeme Caddies-Green, Iain Hepburn, David Rolinson, Mark Whiteman, la reine margot, Grant Mainwaring, Dr Neil Scotchmer, Brody Finney, Merric Blackman, Walter McIntosh, theMunted, Tony Murray, Stappi, Emma Kennedy, Mutt ‘n’ Bear, Grant Reeves, Chris Hughes, David H. Adler, Mendou, Maff, Simon Castle, Adam Parker, Robert Jewell, Adam Redman, Huw Buchtmann, Frank Wales, Matt Treml (aka Rabbi the Mage), Giles Smith, Mark B Oliver, Todd Beilby, Jarad Higgins, Judith Jackson, Luke Harrison (TMDWP), Simon Booth, Barry Platt, Neil Thomas, Rob Morris, Ben Heywood, Chicanery, Ian Sadler, Richard Hardy, Brandon Smith, Barnaby Eaton-Jones, Adam Westwood, Tim Carter, Paul Mudie, Ben Knaak, Tony Stevens, Jason Brooks, Steve T, Alex Mallinson, Michael Patey, Gareth Lee-Thomas, Nick Kirby, Sue Cowley, Thomas Marwede, Richard Fairweather, Jon Padgett, Richard Johnson, Nick Lawton, David Whittam, Paul Dykes, Kelly and Chris Arthur, Hannah G, Hurriyet, Kat W, Martin Kay, Brian M. Milton, Simon Darnell, Tim Coward, Stefan Mueller, Mikhaila Pye, Victoria Free, Drew Simchik, Scott Sherritt, Mark ‘Obscurest’ Hunter, Gordon Barr, Richard Marklew, Mary F, Paul Shields, Amy Micklewright, Jeroen te Strake, Martin Kennaugh, Simon Hart, Stephen La Riviere, Andy Dobson, David Gillespie, Patrick David Helm, Dave Sanders, Chris Berry, Chris Newman, Gary Mathewson, Gareth Randall, Una McCormack, Josh Zimon, Phil Sandifer, Robert Dick, Bryan Valko, Iain Morrison, Mark Andrew Jones, Huw Davies, Luke Atkins, Mark York (aka Ferrain at Project Dalek), Jason Highfield, Joe the Dalek, Paul Campbell, George Ganat, James Grime, Simon Barrett, Louise Collins, Dave Owen, Philippa Watts, Cliff Chapman, Ian Dack, Nightsky, Jo Golding, Alan Mordey, Matt Bartley, Steven Harding, Jennifer Haston, dave.brad4d, Patrick Bellis, Andrew Peregrine, Charles M Paulsen, Marcia Franklin (Neowhovian), Shaun Raven, Mike Pitt, Russell Williams, Andrew Marsden, Sighs4l, Martin Collins, Chris Williams, Elaine J Jackson, Richard Lyth, Peter Tye, JJ Gauthier, Steve Roberts (from Tucson), Mark Cockram, Chris Limb, Mike Crate, Melissa Swenson, Austin Lugar, Pat Harrigan, Brendan Jones (sigh), Stephen Allport, Ratovan, John-Paul Waterson, @mistylister, James Armstrong (a loyal reader!), Rod Hedrick, Robert Shearman, Gary Wales, Beth Cameron, Mike Davey, Ian Cockburn, Graham Holland @itsafrogslife, Andrew Thompson, Andy Wellock, Brad Ackland, Stewart Smith, Larry and Eleanor Dyde, Liam McCauley, Jonathan Baldwin, Craig Hanson, Neal Rafferty, Simon Simmons, Andrew T. Smith, David Wilcox, Demian Katz, Dominic Francis, Scott Burton, Andy Wixon, Jen Kain, Simon Exton, Alex Wilcock, GtBFilms, Mark Taylor, Dave Shuttleworth, Steve Duerden, Rachel Pearce, Dave Dorrell, Kevin West, Christian Ainscough, Lisa, Richard Abela, Tansy Rayner Roberts, moonbug, Henry Beaumont, Chris Orton, Tom Charman, Colin Speirs, Claire J Hannon, Gibbsy, Richard Leadbetter, Colin Tate, George Alabaster, Vivienne Dunstan, Gary Bates, Sean Hewitt, Stuart Ian Burns, Matt Sharp, Peter Lack, Kevin Jordan, Roderick T. Long, Stewart Macdonald, Edith Rogers and Stuart Christie, Nathan Bottomley, Dave Wythe, Simon Middleton, Hendryk Korzeniowski, Paul Greaves from the TimeVault podcast, Jonathan Finn, and Robin Milton.

Thank you so much.

Foreword

Over the school holidays at Christmas 1977 the BBC screened the whole run of Universal’s first Flash Gordon cinema serial, merely forty-one years from its debut. To the sophisticated mind of a 9 year old it seemed laughably creaky and jejune. Orangopoids; Shark Men; sparking rocket ship models with visible wires that landed in dried-out fish tanks next to clearly normally-sized, and very bored-looking, savage colossal reptiles; an acting style one might kindly call ‘urgent’.

Mere days after Flash had successfully saved Earth and deposed the villainous Emperor Ming of Mongo the BBC debuted its own new and frightfully up-to-date science-fiction adventure serial. I remember watching those first few episodes of Blake’s 7, gawking at the sunset over Cygnus Alpha, and gawping at the Liberator/London link-up, and wondering ‘One day, will even this seem tacky and dated? Will people look back at Blake’s 7 and giggle ironically at what seems today so thrillingly modern?’

As it turned out, the answer was no. They never, ever did. Thirty-six years on and not one person in the world has, even once, got an unintentional laugh out of Blake’s 7. So I am quite certain there are none to be found in this book.

Blake’s 7 is of course mainly set in space. But let us talk about a different kind of space for a moment - the space between us. Best friends, lovers, families, husbands and wives, in whatever permutation, no matter how perfectly matched, there must remain private enthusiasms, hobbies and unshared interests, a hinterland away from the togetherness. My best friend nods and smiles graciously like the Queen as I, very occasionally, try to open his mind to the music of Peter Hammill and Van Der Graaf Generator. In return, he has led me to an appreciation of rarely seen films such as Back To The Future and Ghostbusters, which I missed at the time of release as I was listening to the music of Peter Hammill and Van Der Graaf Generator.

But surely it would be a foolish person who attempted to crack open their hobby to a significant other in full public view, with copious notes? This is what Neil Perryman has done, exposing his patient wife Sue not only to Doctor Who but now to its lesser known but no less loved BBC stablemate Blake’s 7. Sue’s reactions enable us, the devotees of these shows, to see them in a wholly different light through her eyes. She has very little prior knowledge and no conception of the received wisdom of our fandoms. Hers are the kind of eyes through which Blake’s 7 (and most other tv shows) was meant to be seen - casually interested, not manically popping. Her observations are often startlingly fresh and strikingly accurate - no matter how many times you’ve seen Blake’s 7 I guarantee there’ll be more than a few moments in this book when apropos of Sue you’ll think ‘Why on earth have I never seen that before?’

And there are more moments when Sue appreciates a performance, or a design or even an entire episode, when the space between herself and the husband is bridged. ‘I get why you like that,’ she might tell him. What that really means is ‘I get you’.

And that’s really what any of us wants to hear, isn’t it?

Gareth Roberts
September 2014

Introduction

If you’re reading this ebook then it means you must have backed us on Kickstarter, so I’d like to begin by saying thank you. We really couldn’t have done this without you. (And if you’re reading this ebook and you didn’t back us on Kickstarter, YOU HAVE… BETRAYED… ME!)

This book collates the first four months of the Adventures with the Wife and Blake blog (‘The Way Back’ to ‘Star One’) into one handy volume, but it isn’t a simple cut-and-paste job. I’ve tried to improve the text by removing typos and errors, I’ve clarified some plot points that I may have skirted over in the original posts, I’ve made some minor alterations in the absence of screen grabs and audio/video clips, and I’ve even added the occasional note. Quotations from the television series have also been pared back, and are only included when Sue comments on a specific line of dialogue. The book also adopts the alphabetical system when it comes to cataloguing the episodes, which the blog failed to do because I relied on the official DVD box sets. Because I’m an idiot. In any event, this is the authors’ preferred version of the text.

So why did I decide to put my wife through Blake’s 7? Hadn’t she suffered enough? (Well, obviously not, or you wouldn’t have backed us on Kickstarter.)

I chose Blake’s 7 for two very important reasons, the second of which I have decided to save for the introduction to the next volume, in an attempt to generate some suspense. The first reason was relatively simple: Sue was a Blake’s 7 virgin.

Having said that, she could list all the main characters off the top of her head without breaking into a sweat. This is because we adopted a stray cat in 2013, which I named Jenna, and we also cared for three wildcats, which I christened Blake, Avon and Cally; Sue built a wooden cat hotel for them to sleep in when it gets cold. And then, just as I was preparing to launch the Wife and Blake blog, five more kittens turned up on our doorstep. This is because Blake and Avon can’t stop shagging. Yes, we thought Avon was a boy, right up until the moment she gave birth. Oh, and we also take care of two hedgehogs (Zen and Orac), and Sue’s brother owns a dog named Travis, which is my fault, too.

But aside from all the pets (domestic and otherwise), Sue was a blank slate when it came to Blake’s 7. She had no preconceptions about the series at all (unless you count the fact that she expected Avon to be a girl), she didn’t harbour any warm, nostalgic feelings towards it, and she didn’t have any axes to grind, either. In other words, Blake’s 7 couldn’t have been more perfect.

I, on the other hand, adored Blake’s 7 when I was a kid. Probably because, unless you count the time I accidentally walked in on my parents when they were watching The Sweeney, Blake’s 7 was the most adult programme I’d seen on television up to that point. Roj Blake was the Doctor’s harder, more dangerous brother, and the terrorist’s adventures were just as exciting and unmissable as the Time Lord’s. Sometimes even more so. I even pretended to be a Space Rat as I rode my Raleigh Grifter home from school one day. That’s how much I loved Blake’s 7.

And then it was over. Finished. Complete. All wrapped up in a neat, bloodstained bow. Doctor Who always managed to survive – even when it was dead – but Blake’s 7 didn’t have the luxury of regeneration, which probably explains why it didn’t follow me into adulthood like its more flexible stablemate did, and why, for more years than I care to remember, I didn’t give the programme a second thought.

In fact, if there were a scale that measured how much of a Blakeian you are (I think that’s what they’re called), I would have been a 6, maybe a 6.5, when we began this blog back in January. Yes, I bought all the DVD box sets the day they were released (at the full recommended retail price), I dipped into the UK Gold repeats in the 1990s (Hi, Glen!), and I could list all the major characters without any help from my pets. I’d even delivered academic lectures about the programme to hundreds of disinterested undergraduates. But the sad truth is, for a variety of different reasons, there still were a handful of episodes I’d never actually seen (despite buying all the DVDs at the full RRP).

So when we approached the end of the Wife in Space blog, and we decided that a sequel was both inevitable and a possible solution to our spiralling vet bills, there was only ever one contender. Unless you count Moonbase 3 and Star Cops, of course, but those blogs would have been very short and very, very niche. And have you seen how much Star Cops is going for on eBay these days?

So put away your Sopron, pour yourself a nice glass of green, and try not to have a coronary when you reach episode B6. As with the blog, it will help if you possess a cursory knowledge of the episodes that are about to fall under Sue’s beady eye, and in an ideal world you’ll only read her commentary once you’ve sat down and watched the episode yourself (or yourselves, if can convince your significant other to join you).

Go on. You know you want to. It’s only 52 episodes. How hard could it be?

Neil Perryman
October 2014

Please note: This is the sweary-pants edition of the ebook, which means it leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. If you’d prefer a copy with all the fucks taken out, please contact me for a replacement.

SERIES A

A smuggler, a thief, a computer expert, a strong man and a convicted kiddie fiddler - what could possibly go wrong?

A1: The Way Back

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Michael E. Briant
Broadcast: 2 January 1978
Blogged: 3 January 2014

First things first…

Me: What can you tell me about Blake’s 7, Sue?
Sue: Well, I can name all the characters for a start. There’s Blake, Avon, Jenna, Cally –
Me: Forget the cats. What else can you tell me about it?
Sue: I think it’s set in space, with a bunch of people on a spaceship. Or maybe it’s a space station. I bet it’s like Red Dwarf, only not as funny.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that it’s funnier.

Me: Why didn’t you watch Blake’s 7 when it was on television?
Sue: I would have been 17 in 1978, and I played badminton on Monday evenings. Not that I would have watched it, anyway. Spacey stuff wasn’t really my cup of tea.
Me: What do you expect Blake’s 7 to be like, Sue?
Sue: I want it to be like Firefly, with fit blokes and a decent plot. Actually, just the fit blokes will do.
Me: Shall we begin?
Sue: Have any of the cast been interviewed by Operation Yewtree?
Me: No.
Sue: OK, let’s do this!

I press Play.

Sue: Der-der-DERRR-DE-DERRR!
Me: That doesn’t sound anything like the theme to Blake’s 7, but nice try, Susan.
Sue: It sounds like the sort of thing Michael Bublé would walk out on stage to. It also reminds me of the theme to Dynasty.
Me: Do you notice anything strange about the logo?
Sue: Yes, they’ve stolen the triangle from Star Trek. Even I know that.

I pause the DVD.

Me: Anything else?

She stares at the screen for ages.

Sue: The apostrophe is missing!

She can scarcely believe her eyes.

Sue: The apostrophe is missing! How shit is that!

I press Play again.

Sue: Oh no. Terry fucking Nation! This is not a good start, Neil.
Me: The programme’s official title was Terry Nation’s Blake’s 7.

When Sue reaches for a cushion, I gently remind her that she’s promised not to attack me with any soft furnishings for the duration of this blog.

Sue: You’ll pay for that later. And it won’t involve a cushion, either.

Blake’s 7 begins in a futuristic city.

Sue: This man walking down the corridor reminds me of Martin Shaw from The Professionals. I used to have a crush on Martin Shaw.

This man is Roj Blake.

Sue: I didn’t know that Blake’s first name was Roger. You kept that quiet, Neil.

My wife tries to work out where she is.

Sue: Are we on a space station?
Me: No.
Sue: An alien planet?
Me: No.
Sue: A really big spaceship?
Me: No, Sue. It’s Earth.
Sue: How am I supposed to know that? They should put a caption on the screen. What year is this?
Me: I don’t know.
Sue: What do you mean you don’t know? Why are you here, then? For God’s sake, Neil.

A couple named Ravella and Dal escort Blake through a hatchway that leads to the outside world.

Sue: They must be rebelling against something. Maybe they don’t like living like the Amish.
Me: The what?
Sue: The Amish. They look Amish to me. Spacey Amish.

Blake is guided through an underground complex.

Sue: It looks like the basement at the university where I work. You know, the place where they keep all the bins.

When Blake reaches the planet’s surface, he looks back at the domed city he’s leaving behind.

Me: This is the only scene I can remember watching when this episode first went out - that big dome in the background. The rest is just a blur.
Sue: It’s pretty good, actually. No wonder you remember it. I’ve got to say, this isn’t what I was expecting at all. This is more like Edge of Darkness than Doctor Who. Were you excited when Blake’s 7 came along, Neil?
Me: Big time. I didn’t sleep the night before.
Sue: You didn’t sleep last night either.
Me: That’s completely different.
Sue: So what brought Blake’s 7 on, then? Was the BBC trying to capitalise on Doctor Who‘s success? Or was it Star Wars?
Me: Star Wars hadn’t been released in the UK when they started work on Blake’s 7. You’ll know when the production team saw Star Wars when we get there. You can’t miss it.

Blake discovers that he was a notorious rebel in a previous life.

Sue: Flappy hands!
Me: What?
Sue: Rewind that bit where Blake is running down the tunnel. Look at his hands!

She’s right. They do flap a bit.

Sue: I’m enjoying this. It reminds me of The Prisoner. I thought this programme was going to be lots of people shooting laser beams at each other in corridors, but it’s very psychological. The direction is interesting, too. Extreme close-ups!

The rebels’ leader, Bran Foster, gathers his people together for a quick pep talk.

Sue: Look at these losers. I’d have second thoughts about joining this shower if I were Blake. Their leader is rubbish. I wouldn’t follow him to the shops.

When Blake wanders off to digest the revelation that he used to be Che Guevara, he almost bumps into a platoon of Federation troopers coming the other way. And then he watches helplessly from the sidelines as the rebel army are murdered in cold blood.

Sue: Their guns are pathetic. They look like dud fireworks. You know, the ones that don’t go off properly when you light them. What rubbish!

Rubbish guns or not, it’s a massacre.

Sue: It would have been so much better if we’d just heard them being killed off-screen. We didn’t need to see it. What time did Blake’s 7 go out? Was it after The Nine O’Clock News?
Me: The first episode went out at 6pm. The rest went out at 7:15pm.
Sue: You are having a laugh! That was horrific! No wonder you’re damaged and depraved, Neil.

A stunned Blake returns to the dome, but the Federation are already waiting for him.

Sue: At least the actor who plays Blake is pretty good. That’s a relief. This is nothing like Doctor Who, though. It’s a lot grittier than I expected. It’s like Torchwood, but quite good. Hey, was that a hand-held camera? I’m impressed.

A cabal of Federation administrators meet to decide Blake’s fate.

Sue: I recognise that sofa. That sofa was in Doctor Who.
Me: Really? I don’t remember.
Sue: First you tell me that you don’t know when this programme is set, and now you tell me that you don’t know whether that sofa has been in Doctor Who or not. Can I watch this with somebody who knows something about Blake’s 7, please? What’s John Williams doing for the next six months?

At least she appreciates the programme’s minimalist aesthetics.

Sue: I’m glad they didn’t go overboard trying to make it look all weird and spacey. If anything, they’ve toned it down a bit. Even the make-up looks relatively normal. It’s aged quite well, this.

She really likes the soundscape, too.

Sue: It’s very peaceful in the future. I wouldn’t mind living there. You know, this doesn’t even sound like Doctor Who.
Me: That’s odd because Dudley Simpson composed the incidental music.
Sue: Yes, but you can barely hear it. It’s as if he couldn’t be arsed.

Blake’s lawyer, Varon, visits him in prison to discuss the state’s case against him.

Sue: That table could do with a beer mat under its leg. Look at the wobble on that!

Blake wants to plead guilty, but he hasn’t heard the charges yet. They include: assault on a minor, attempting to corrupt minors…

Sue: Not the miners again! It’s always the fucking miners.
Me: Not miners – minors. Kids!
Sue: FUCKING HELL. This is unbelievable. It’s Operation Yewtree. In space!

Blake can’t believe it either.

Sue: He’s giving Tom Baker a run for his money, here. He isn’t afraid to go for it when he has to. That’s good.

Blake is placed on trial.

Sue: You can tell that the courtroom is a TV studio. The cyc curtain is casting shadows across the back of the set.

Blake’s shady past (the one he can’t remember) is dredged up once again.

Sue: It’s very convoluted, this. They should have started with Blake in charge of the rebels. All this ‘he can’t remember he was a rebel’ nonsense is a bit long-winded. Is he a good guy or isn’t he? Stop pissing about! And the guards must be sweating buckets in those helmets. Does the green Perspex actually do something, or is it just for show?

The courtroom is presided over by a woman.

Sue: Is that Servalan?

There’s a cat that I failed to mention in the introduction: an aging ball of scruffy white fluff who belonged to a local farmer and which I called Servalan. But she died (the cat, not the farmer). At least we think she died.

Me: No, that isn’t Servalan. In fact, she’s probably as far removed from Servalan as it’s possible to get.

In the future, justice is served in a Perspex box.

Sue: It’s Deal or No Deal meets Judge Judy. Any minute now, the banker will offer Blake five years in prison, with time off for good behaviour. Deal, you fool! Deal!

It’s left to a pair of flickering balls to determine Blake’s fate.

Sue: A Tom Baker Doctor Who did exactly the same thing as this. Don’t ask me what it was called, but it was exactly the same.

Blake is found guilty.

Sue: The computer says, ‘No’.

Blake’s crimes are displayed on the courtroom’s cyc curtain for everyone to see.

Sue: I can’t make out what they’ve listed at Number One. I bet it’s something really horrible, like rape. I can’t believe they got away with this, Neil.

Blake is transferred to a transit cell. In the cell next to his, a woman is being brutally tortured.

Sue: This is cheerful. Where’s K9 when you need him? Or a razor?

Blake finds himself surrounded by notorious criminals.

Sue: Is that Samantha Fox?

Another convict - the thief Vila Restal - steals Blake’s digital watch from under his nose.

Sue: It’s the vicar from EastEnders!

Blimey, that was quick, even for Sue.

Sue: Right, so one of our heroes is a raving klepto, and Blake is a convicted child molester. That’s lovely.

Vila introduces Blake to the renowned smuggler Jenna Stannis.

Sue: The cats are coming thick and fast, now. She’s very pretty, just like our cat. Did you fancy Jenna when you were a boy, Neil?
Me: I don’t think so. I was only 9 years old.
Sue: Do you fancy her now? I bet you wouldn’t turn her down if she offered to smuggle -
Me: OK, let’s leave it there, thanks.

It’s at this point that Sue decides to keep score.

Sue: This is basically Blake’s 2, now. He’ll have to get his skates on if he’s going to get his numbers up before the episode ends.

Varon takes his mind off losing Blake’s trial by sleeping with his wife.

Sue: I find it hard to believe that Terry Nation wrote this. It’s proper adult drama. No one ever shagged in Doctor Who. Well, not on-screen, anyway.

A post-coital Varon decides to examine the state’s evidence against Blake.

Sue: Does he always wait until his clients are sent to prison before he starts doing his bloody job?

Varon visits the man who controls the Federation’s computer records. He looks like a moody Eric Bristow, at least according to Sue, and he’s waving an enormous Sony Walkman in the air.

Sue: That Walkman was years ahead of its time in 1978. They actually got that bit right.
Me: And yet so horribly wrong.

Varon suspects that the Federation planted memories of sexual abuse in the minds of Blake’s victims.

Sue: Why didn’t they just put the memory in Blake’s head? Then he’d think he was guilty and he wouldn’t put up a fight. That would have saved them a lot of time and energy, and they could have spared the kids as well. This is just wrong.

Varon has uncovered enough evidence to bring the Federation to its knees.

Sue: I like how Varon wasn’t part of the conspiracy. He was just doing his job - very badly, I might add. At least he’s making up for it now. Why haven’t we got a cat called Varon? I like Varon.

Varon and his wife discover the remains of the murdered rebels in the underground car park.

Sue: The bad guys didn’t even bother to bury them. They should have cremated them at the very least. That’s lazy and horrible.

Blake boards a ship bound for the penal colony Cygnus Alpha. According to Sue (and only Sue), the ship is under the thrall of a young Dennis Waterman.

Sue: (singing) ‘I could be so good for you. Treat you like you want me to…’

Dennis teaches Blake a lesson by confining him to his seat.

Sue: What if Blake needs to go for a wee during the flight?

It turns out that a creepy blonde man named Dev Tarrant set the whole thing up. Tragically, he has Varon and his wife killed before Blake can be set free.

Sue: We’ll never call one of our cats Tarrant. What a massive twat! I hope he gets his comeuppance soon. There was no need for that.

The prison ship blasts off for Cygnus Alpha. As Blake leaves the planet in disgrace, he’s adamant that he’ll find a way back.

Cue credits.

Sue: DER-DER-DER-DERRRRR-DER-DERRR.
Me: That’s better.
Sue: That’s the best thing Terry Nation has ever written. Which isn’t saying much, but still.

And then my wife stuns me:

Sue: I find it interesting that Blake is banished from his home planet, just like the Doctor was banished from his home planet. And the Doctor said he would get back one day, too. Yes, one day. One day.

Good Lord, what have I done?

The Score

Me: So what are you going to give that out of ten?
Sue: Oh no. Do I have to mark the episodes as well? I hate marking the episodes; I get enough of that at work. Why don’t we do it differently this time - why don’t you score the episodes instead?
Me: Nobody cares what I think. Come on, Sue. Think of the graphs.
Sue: Can I mark the episodes out of seven?
Me: No.
Sue: What do you want me to compare it to - Breaking Bad or 1970s Doctor Who? Because it isn’t as good as Breaking Bad.
Me: Let’s go with the latter.
Sue: It was all right, I suppose. I enjoyed it. It was very bleak, and definitely not for kids, and even though it took a while to get going, I liked the premise. The acting was all right, and the direction wasn’t bad, either. As long as Blake returns to Earth and clears his name, I’ll be happy.

7/10

Me: You did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Sue: Yes.

Blog tagline: Underground car parks, child abuse and torture. It must be Blake’s 7… (I hadn’t got the hang of these yet.)

NOTES: We watched ‘The Way Back’ exactly 36 years after it was first broadcast on British television. I’d never felt so apprehensive about sitting down to watch something with my wife before; even Salò was a doddle compared to this. Why? Because if Sue didn’t enjoy this episode (one of the highpoints of the series), the next eight months would have been torture.

The sofa appeared in two Doctor Who stories: ‘The Robots of Death’ and ‘Timelash’. It will turn up in Blake’s 7 again in due course. The Tom Baker story which features flickering justice balls is, of course, the shits bits of ‘The Stones of Blood’.

What my friend John Williams doesn’t know about Blake’s 7 isn’t worth knowing. Actually, what John Williams knows about Blake’s 7 isn’t worth knowing, either, but I digress. I also hold him partially responsible for both this blog and the last one. I just hope he doesn’t make me do Star Maidens next.

Michael Keating was Walford’s vicar in EastEnders for ages (he buried Pauline ‘Dimensions in Time’ Fowler).

The programme’s official title isn’t really Terry Nation’s Blake’s 7. I was winding Sue up. However, thanks for all the emails that pointed this ‘error’ out to me. I’ve framed them all.

Do you remember the five kittens I mentioned in the book’s introduction? (There is a test at the end.) Well, one of them is all grown up now and called… Tarrant.

Oh, and if it had been up to me, I would have given ‘The Way Back’ 9/10. Easy.

COMMENT: I wanted to name our dog after a Doctor Who character, but the wife vetoed it and I had to make do with calling the car Romana. – Mycroft Badger

A2: Space Fall

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Pennant Roberts
Broadcast: 9 January 1978
Blogged: 7 January 2014

You’ll be pleased to know that Sue can almost sing the theme tune now, although she still struggles with the ending. You’ll be less pleased to know that she’s come to the conclusion that the programme’s title sequence looks a bit, well, cheap.

Sue: Does Terry Nation write every episode?
Me: No.
Sue: So this is the second part of a two-part story, is that it?

The London leaves a thick plume of smoke in its wake when it engages its hyperdrive engines.

Sue: Its rear end has gone. They should pull into a space garage before it’s too late.

I remind her that Blake’s 7 didn’t have an enormous budget.

Sue: You don’t say.

I tell her that Blake’s 7 had the same budget as an average episode of Softly, Softly, a programme she remembers fondly, although it wasn’t as good as Z-Cars.

Sue: The BBC can be its own worst enemy, sometimes.

The London switches to autopilot so the crew can turn their attention to more important matters.

Sue: This guy is playing Sudoku while he trims his ear hair. Nice.

There then follows an exchange of dialogue that almost makes Sue spill her tea: the ship’s captain, Leylan, tells his first officer, Raiker, to be ‘discreet’ when it comes to handling their one and only female prisoner.

Sue: Bloody hell! In other words, when you rape her, don’t make a big song and dance about it. That is unbelievable!

The London‘s journey to Cygnus Alpha will take eight months to complete.

Sue: The prisoners will get piles if they have to sit like that for eight months. That’s a bit grim.

To Sue’s relief – and theirs – the prisoners are shown to their living quarters. All except Blake, that is.

Sue: How is facing the wrong way on a spaceship supposed to punish him? Is it because he can’t watch the in-flight movie?

Blake is reminded that he’s a convicted child molester.

Sue: So they’re keeping the child abuse subplot going, then? Now I know why Blake’s 7 was broadcast in January. This is so depressing.

Sue somehow manages to convince herself that Raiker is actually flirting with Blake.

Sue: I think Blake’s in more danger of something discreet happening to him than Jenna is.

Speaking of Jenna, Raiker can’t wait to tell the smuggler that the prison ship isn’t designed to cater for female prisoners.

Sue: Why? Don’t women commit crimes in the future? I’m mildly annoyed by that.

When Raiker tries it on with Jenna, she raises his hopes and then quickly dashes them again.

Sue: For a moment there, I thought Jenna was a bit of a floozy. You know, just like our cat. I hope she gets to kick him where it hurts later.

Vila introduces Blake to Avon.

Sue: I know him. That’s Paul Darrow. Ooh, I’m looking forward to this.

Paul doesn’t disappoint.

Sue: Paul Darrow would have been a great Doctor Who - scary, but great.

Blake hopes to unite the prisoners in a daring escape attempt.

Sue: Isn’t anyone bothered that the bloke who’s offering to lead them is a convicted kiddie fiddler?

On the London‘s bridge, a man named Artix – who Sue describes as a cross between Eric Idle and Richard O’Sullivan – notices something strange on the ship’s scanner. The crew have never seen anything like it before.

Sue: I have. When we had a Binatone game system. It was nothing like real badminton.

Blake convinces Avon to join forces with him.

Sue: They look like they’re sitting in a barbershop, waiting to get their hair cut.

Avon rallies to Blake’s cause, mainly because he’s had four months to work out that the crew will probably throw the prisoners out of the airlock long before they reach Cygnus Alpha.

Sue: Hang on a minute. They’ve been living on this prison ship for four months? In the same clothes? That ship must stink to high heaven! And I wonder how many of them have copped off with each other at this point.

The London is buffeted by debris from a nearby space battle. Blake uses this distraction to cobble together a small army.

Sue: Blake’s 5. Right, now we’re getting somewhere. What are the names of the two new members?
Me: Gan and Nova.
Sue: That sounds Geordie to me: ‘I’m Gan and Nova the toon, pet.’

Blake’s gang seem to have all the bases covered.

Sue: There’s a smuggler, a thief, a computer expert, a strong man and a convicted kiddie fiddler - what could possibly go wrong?

Avon breaks into the ship’s computer room.

Sue: Paul Darrow is very easy on the eye. There’s something about him - I can’t quite put my finger on it. I can’t take my eyes off him.
Me: Please stop drooling, love. Thanks.
Sue: Hang on … Where’s Dennis Waterman? He couldn’t stop shouting his mouth off in the last episode, so where is he now?

When Vila refuses to help Blake, Nova volunteers to take his place.

Sue: I really like Nova. Vila is a bit of a dick.

Nova is killed shortly thereafter.

Sue: What? They can’t do that! Now we’re back to Blake’s 4 again. Bloody hell, Neil!
Me: I’m relieved. Nova cried like a baby.
Sue: I’d like to see how you’d react if you were drowning in shaving foam. And it could easily be arranged. Poor Nova. I’ll miss him.

Avon begins to dismantle the ship’s computer.

Sue: Look at the size of his sonic, Neil.

Gan persuades a guard to open the doors to the prisoners’ quarters.

Sue: Gan is basically Big John, isn’t he? (She means Little John.) If Robin Hood was a convicted paedophile, I mean.

A technician discovers Avon in the computer room, and an extremely vicious fight ensues.

Sue: He just stuck his finger in Avon’s mouth! Who fights like that? What kind of sick future is this?

Blake fires at Raiker before diving into the computer room with Jenna.

Sue: Should he be firing a gun in a spaceship? It’s already got holes in it.

And then Gan mispronounces Vila’s name.

Sue: He’s had four months to get that right. They obviously haven’t copped off with each other in the shower yet. Is there a shower? Please tell me there’s a shower, Neil.

Gan and Vila head for the armoury, but then, in an act of unbelievable stupidity, Vila drops his gun when Gan instructs the guards to drop theirs. It’s a mess, frankly.

Sue: Oh, come off it! I told you Vila was a dick.

The rebellion is quashed, leaving Blake, Jenna and Avon locked in the computer room, their options rapidly running out. Raiker executes a prisoner in an attempt to force Blake’s hand.

Sue: What an absolute twat! I’m really shocked by that.

Avon would rather sacrifice the prisoners and save his own skin.

Sue: I’m even more shocked by that. I didn’t know that Avon was such a git. I still like him, though. But I like Blake, too. It’s complicated. Which one does Jenna go for? Does it turn into a messy love triangle?

Blake ignores Avon’s advice and surrenders. Raiker is given the good news.

Sue: I bet he shoots another prisoner anyway. He’s that kind of cunt.

Raiker shoots another prisoner anyway.

Sue: I told you! What did I tell you? If you want to guess what’s going to happen in Blake’s 7, just think of the bleakest thing imaginable. It’s as simple as that.

When the prisoners are eventually rounded up, Raiker gives Jenna one of his looks.

Sue: This is relentless. After all that murdering, there’s still enough time for a quick rape before dinner.

Avon taunts Blake for failing to see their hijack through to the bitter end.

Sue: I think I’m going to enjoy Blake’s 7 a lot. I love Avon already. He’s very funny.

But it isn’t over yet: the London’s scanners have detected a derelict ship floating in space.

Sue: This ship must be important because it’s in the title sequence. I’m guessing that Blake and his gang will run away in it. That makes sense, because, let’s face it, the ship they’re on now is rubbish.

Leylan wants to salvage the alien ship so he can pocket the reward.

Sue: Rapists, murderers, and now scrap dealers. Is there anything these people won’t do to avoid their real jobs?

The London docks with the mysterious ship.

Sue: Nice bit of six-inch ducting, there.

Leylan sends two of his men into the ship to investigate.

Sue: Seriously though, where is Dennis Waterman?
Me: This is the only thing I can remember from 1978. This tunnel.
Sue: It’s a very nice tunnel. Considering the budget they had to work with, this isn’t bad at all.
Me: This episode would have been up against Coronation Street. My mum loved Coronation Street, and we didn’t have a second telly, so she must have let me watch Blake’s 7 that week as a special treat.
Sue: What a lovely mum. Although I bet she was a bit shocked when she discovered that you wanted to watch a programme about criminals, child molesters and rapists.

When Leylan loses radio contact with his men, he sends another man in after them.

Sue: What an idiot. I was beginning to feel sorry for him, but he’s a terrible captain. They should send the rapist in. I can’t stand him.

Raiker has a much better idea: send the prisoners in. Blake, Avon and Jenna are chosen to undertake this dangerous mission, and it isn’t long before they’re walking onto the bridge of a strange, new ship.

Sue: That looks pretty good.
Jenna: It’s beautiful.
Sue: Don’t push it.

But something’s wrong.

Sue: It’s an automatic defence system, stupid. Are they all completely thick?

Blake, Jenna and Avon are suddenly transfixed by hallucinatory visions.

Sue: What the hell are we watching? It looks like a snuff film.

Blake manages to see through these illusions and Avon tumbles backwards over a couch in surprise. Sue is too wrapped up in the drama to notice or care.

Sue: It’s good, this.

Blake wants to know if Jenna can pilot this strange spaceship.

Sue: Are they leaving Vila and Gan behind? Are we back to Blake’s 2 again? They’ve taken two steps forward and three steps back.

Blake heads to the docking tunnel to uncouple the ship. However, Raiker has other plans and a shot rings out.

Sue: If this was Doctor Who, that would have been the cliffhanger.

But Blake isn’t dead – he just bruised his shoulder (we think). Raiker, on the other hand, is sucked out into space.

Sue: On a piece of string. I’m not very happy about that. I wanted him to suffer.

She then proceeds to list all the ways that Raiker could - and should - have died. None of them are very pretty.

The episode concludes once Blake reveals the next stage of his plan: they will follow the London to Cygnus Alpha and free the remaining prisoners.

Sue: Yay! Hang on… Wait a minute. What are they going to do for the next four months while they’re following them?

The Score

Sue: That was even better than the last one. I liked it because it didn’t feel rushed. I’m impressed. This is much better than Doctor Who. It’s more psychological. I feel like I’m involved with the characters a lot more. I can’t wait to see how it turns out. Can we watch the next one now?
Me: No.

8/10

Blog tagline: Avon calling… (Sorry.)

Glen’s trailer: Yes, it really is Paul Darrow. And no, I don’t know him personally.

NOTES: ‘I’m Gan and Nova the toon, pet’ roughly translates to: ‘I’m popping into town, darling’.

I was (and still am) at a loss to explain Sue’s antipathy toward Vila. Maybe it’s because we didn’t care for any wild cats with the same name. We did for a bit, but he ran away. And I’m not making that up for a cheap gag. He really did run away. Or a tractor killed him. We don’t like to think about it too much.

Sue’s familiarity with Paul Darrow stems from his two Doctor Who appearances (‘The Silurians’ and ‘Timelash’), and the fact that he once told some of my students to shut the fuck up. I’ll explain everything in Volume 2.

Comment: After discovering this blog today, I felt a strong urge to head on over to ‘bargain’ online store iTunes in order to download Blake’s 7, but all I could see were some dodgy looking audio plays with that Sherlock bloke. – Rob

A3: Cygnus Alpha

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 16 January 1978
Blogged: 10 January 2014

Sue: Terry Nation again? OK, now I’m worried. I bet he can’t keep it up.

On the penal planet Cygnus Alpha, a woman stares longingly at the night sky.

Sue: Is it Servalan?
Me: No, it isn’t Servalan. Stop it.

Meanwhile, the London is still limping through space.

Sue: Has Blake really been following this ship for four months? He must really love Vila. And Vila is a dick.

Artix informs his captain that their remaining prisoners have been drugged to the eyeballs in order to keep them docile. Leylan thinks it’s a bit late in the day for that.

Sue: Understatement of the century! His annual appraisal is going to be hilarious.

When Leylan files his report, we are treated to a ‘previously on Blake’s 7‘ recap.

Sue: Oh, this is very nice of them. How thoughtful.

Leylan’s report is cursory at best.

Sue: He left out all the juicy bits. Like the bit where he was a terrible captain, and how it was his fault that he couldn’t control his crew. I’d start looking for another job if I were you, mate.

Meanwhile, on a spacecraft of unknown origin…

Sue: I love the comfy sofas at the front. The ship looks like it was built by DFS. Cream and brown - it doesn’t get any more 1970s than that.

Blake finds the ship’s armoury.

Sue: I’m sorry, love, I don’t care what you say – they are definitely curling tongs.
Blake: Ouch! That one’s hot.
Sue: Told you.

The guns are hot because they operate with a single function isomorphic response, or as Blake puts it: it will only let them have one gun each.

Sue: He says as he hands two guns to Jenna. Brilliant.

Avon suspects that the technology may be organic.

Sue: Just like Babylon 5. Even the chairs look the same. They probably give good back support, but I bet they’re not very comfortable, especially on long-haul flights. Blake’s 7 and Babylon 5 - even the titles are similar.
Me: And only one person wrote all the episodes.

Sue looks crestfallen.

Me: I’m joking. Neil Gaiman wrote an episode of Babylon 5.

When Jenna presses a button on the ship’s dashboard, the sudden rate of acceleration pins everybody to their seats.

Sue: Are you sure this is a spaceship and not a floating hairdressing salon? I think they’ve engaged the blow dryers.

The ship ends up in orbit above Cygnus Alpha.

Sue: Well, it’s definitely got a bit of poke. What’s it like at parallel parking?

A booming voice welcomes the crew to their new home. It’s the ship’s computer, Zen.

Zen: Welcome, Roj Blake.
Sue: It’s Roger, actually. Only his friends call him Roj.

Zen asks Blake to state his desired speed and course.

Sue: A ship that can fly itself. That’s perfect. That’s the best sat nav ever. This is what you want from a spaceship. Who wants to spend four months reading the manual?

The ship is given a name: Liberator. It plucked the word out of Jenna’s head.

Sue: It could have been a lot worse - she could have been thinking about something that rhymed with liberator.

Zen isn’t the most forthcoming computer in the world, especially when Blake asks about the ship’s teleportation capabilities.

Sue: It reminds me of the talking computer from that other science fiction thing.
Me: HAL from 2001?
Sue: No, the other one.
Me: TIM from The Tomorrow People?

Yes, she’s been watching the reboot. You know, the one where TIM turns out to be an overhead projector.

Sue: No, the other one. Red Dwarf. It reminds me of Red Dwarf.

I give up.

The London deposits its prisoners on Cygnus Alpha.

Sue: I don’t get this at all. Why travel for eight months just to dump the prisoners here? Just dump them on the Moon! It must cost them a fortune to go to all this trouble. There had better be a good reason for it.

A prisoner named Arco threatens Vila with physical violence, until Gan intervenes with a threat of his own.

Sue: Gan enjoys violence. He smiles when he thinks about it. What’s he in for, again? No, please don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It’s probably something horrific involving a family pet.

Gan, Vila, Arco, and another prisoner named Selman, are left to contemplate a bleak future on Cygnus Alpha.

Sue: Right. There are four of them, and they all have lines to say, so they must be important. Add these four to the two he’s already got and we’ve got Blake’s 6. We’re almost there.

Yes, that’s right. Sue didn’t include Zen. Even though we named a hedgehog after him. And here’s another thing I wasn’t expecting: Sue really hates Vila.

Sue: He’s funny, I suppose. But is he always this much of a dick?

Blake decides to test the Liberator‘s teleport system.

Sue: It’s not as good as Star Trek. It’s more Ready Brek than Star Trek. But it’ll save them a lot of faffing about. I certainly wouldn’t want to land the Liberator. That would be a massive pain in the arse.

Blake walks straight into a sect of homicidal monks.

Sue: I think this would have scared me if I’d seen it when I was a child. Did this bit scare you, Neil?
Me: I can’t remember this episode at all.
Sue: Your mum probably put her foot down after the last one. You must have watched Coronation Street that week instead. Maybe you had one week on and one week off?

Jenna teleports Blake to the Liberator before the monks can make mincemeat out of him.

Sue: Does the teleport effect have its own theme tune? That’s nice.

The prisoners are marched towards a large foreboding structure that dominates Cygnus Alpha’s surface. Vila describes the architectural style as ‘early maniac’.

Sue: Ha! What a brilliant line.

Phew. Finally.

Sue: He’s still a dick, though.

A woman named Kara welcomes the prisoners to Cygnus Alpha. She does this by snogging Gan’s face off.

Sue: Do they all get a snog? That would be my first question.
Me: This is the best warm-up to a full body cavity search I’ve ever seen.

Avon prepares to teleport Blake back to the planet’s surface.

Sue: Paul Darrow looks like he should be playing keyboards with Gary Numan’s Tubeway Army. Paul Darrow would have been perfect in a new wave band. He’s got that look.
Me: Eh?
Sue: Don’t laugh, but the best gig I’ve ever been to – and I’ve seen Queen, Led Zep and Genesis – was Gary Numan at Newcastle City Hall in 1979. I’m not joking.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Blake teleports to Cygnus Alpha with a big bag of bracelets.

Sue: He still hasn’t tested his so-called gun yet. He’s going to look very silly when he fires it and it barely heats up enough to curl his hair. At least Jenna will get some use out of it.

And then we meet Vargas.

Sue: He looks like Brian Blessed.

Wait for it…

Sue: Bloody hell. It is Brian Blessed! That’s mental. Just when I thought this couldn’t get any better, Brian Blessed turns up!
Me: You like Brian Blessed, don’t you?
Sue: What kind of stupid question is that? Now shut up. I want to listen to Brian Blessed.

Meanwhile, Avon and Jenna are flirting on the Liberator.

Sue: Is this where the love triangle begins? The sexual tension on that ship must have been unbearable over the last four months.

Blake explores the church of Vargas.

Sue: Why is 1970s science fiction always so medieval? I know it’s easier to light, but it’s really lazy. And boring.

The prisoners have succumbed to the Curse of Cygnus. Gan tells Blake that they have to be treated with a drug every day for the rest of their lives, and if they leave the planet, they’ll die.

Sue: It’s a con! Any idiot can see that. Brian Blessed is HAVING A LAUGH!

Gan appears to be in a great deal of pain.

Sue: Judging by the look on his face, and the sound of all those people groaning behind him, the Curse of Cygnus definitely involves projectile diarrhoea.

Jenna changes into something more comfortable. And less smelly, probably.

Sue: Four months she’s had, and that’s the best she could come up with? That doesn’t give me much hope for the rest of the wardrobe.

Avon decides to see if the ship has anything in his size. Jenna suggests another room that he might find interesting.

Sue: It’s the ship’s sex dungeon.

Vargas has captured Blake. He taunts him by breaking one of his precious teleport bracelets.

Sue: Is it called Blake’s 7 because he only has eight bracelets left?

Vargas is directly descended from the original convicts who were sent to the penal colony.

Sue: So Cygnus Alpha is basically Australia, but less right wing.

Vargas tells Blake his life story.

Sue: This is great. Decent actors going at each other in a BBC studio - you can’t take your eyes off them. I’m enjoying this, even if our speakers are buckling when Brian lets rip.

Vargas threatens to torture Blake if he refuses to cooperate with him.

Sue: Oh look, they’ve got a sex dungeon down here as well.

Back on the Liberator, Avon has hit the jackpot: the ship’s jewel cache. Now he can buy anything he wants. Anything at all.

Sue: You can’t buy justice, Avon.

And then Avon drops a bombshell. He suggests that he and Jenna take off and leave Blake to it. Sue says she expected that. What she didn’t expect was Jenna agreeing to Avon’s plan if Blake doesn’t get his skates on.

Sue: The dynamic between the crew is very interesting. You can’t trust any of them.

Blake is tossed into a cell with the other prisoners. Arco attacks him for refusing to cooperate with Vargas.

Sue: Four fucking months it’s taken him to come here and rescue you, and this is all the thanks he gets? If I were Blake, I wouldn’t let him in my gang. He’s blown it.

After Gan calm things down, Blake gives the prisoners an ultimatum: fight or die.

Sue: Vila won’t fight. He’s a dick!

Back in the church, Vargas accidentally fires Blake’s curling tongs. Its firepower almost destroys a supporting wall.

Sue: OK, fair enough. That was pretty good. I’ll give them that. Just don’t stick it in your hair by mistake.

Gan finds himself on a sacrificial altar, and Sue is infuriated when Blake decides to wait until the last possible moment to rescue him. There’s no reason for the delay, except it’s a bit more exciting.

Sue: (singing) ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding trough the glen…’

It’s our second prison revolt in as many episodes, but Sue is too busy counting the participants to notice.

Sue: Four… Five… Six… has he got to seven yet? I think he has, you know. It’s time to go!

And then something amazing happens.

Sue: Vila! Yes!

Vila Restal saves the day. Who’d have thunk it?

Sue: That was really well done. I didn’t expect that because Vila is a -
Me: Yes, Sue. We know.

Blake escapes from Vargas and his homicidal monks, but then he decides to go back for his gun.

Sue: Just leave it! You’ve got a whole rack of them on the ship. And you’ve only got eight bracelets, so you can only use eight guns - remember?

Vargas teleports to the Liberator, which he plans to steal so he can set up an intergalactic cult. Unfortunately for him, when he steps back into the teleport area, Blake sends him to an explosive death in the cold vacuum of space.

Sue: Ha! That was brilliant. Very Monty Python. OK, it’s time for a quick head count… Right, I don’t know about you but I make that Blake’s 4.
Me: What about Zen?
Sue: What about it?

The Score

Sue: That was all right. It wasn’t as good as the last two episodes, and under normal circumstances I’d probably only give it a six. I’m sick of pretend-medieval-sci-fi. It’s lazy. But Brian Blessed was in it, and if that isn’t worth an extra point, I don’t know what is.

7/10

Blog tagline: Blessed be thy name…

Glen’s trailer: VERY LOUD.

NOTES: As everyone who read the blog was quick to point out, when Sue said ‘Shut up, I want to listen to Brian Blessed’, I should have replied: ‘Like you have a choice!’

Comment: I’m glad that Sue is warming to Vila. - Jazza1971

A4: Time Squad

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Pennant Roberts
Broadcast: 23 January 1978
Blogged: 14 January 2014

Nicol joined us for this episode because she read the blog and said, and I quote: ‘Blake’s 7 sounds really interesting’. Just how wrong can one person be? Let’s find out…

Sue: Do you notice anything funny about the logo, Nicol?
Nicol: Yes, they ripped-off Star Trek. I read the blog.
Sue: There’s no apostrophe.
Nicol: Yes, I know. It’s shocking.
Sue: Surely an angry schoolteacher must have written to Points of View. Have you got that as a DVD extra, Neil?

Jenna is giving Blake a driving lesson.

Sue: Is she ‘at one with the ship’ again, or has she actually read the manual this time? Either way, it’s nice to see a woman in charge of all the technical stuff while the men stand around looking useless. I like that aspect to it.

Avon is surprised, and a little dismayed, that the crew have agreed to blindly follow Blake wherever he leads them.

Sue: Avon is brilliant. He wants to rip Blake’s throat out. I can sympathise with Blake but I’m definitely on Team Avon.
Me: Tense, isn’t it?
Nicol: Why do they hate each other so much? And why do they look like they’ve just walked off a rubbish tip? Except for her. She looks like she’s walked off one of those Top of the Pops repeats that you make us watch every week.

Blake sets course for Suarian Major. The Federation have built a transceiver complex there and Blake wants to knock it out.

Sue: It looks like the ICI plant at Middlesbrough.

The Liberator cruises through space. It does. Honest.

Sue: Did Ken Morse do the special effects?

Its voyage is suddenly interrupted when Zen detects a mysterious projectile in their path.

Nicol: Is Zen in the engine room?
Sue: No, Zen is the ship’s computer.
Me: Just think of him as a grumpy Siri, Nic.

The projectile is transmitting a distress signal; this makes Jenna nervous – it could be a trap set by space pirates.

Sue: Oh no, not the Space Pirates! Quick! Run! Did you see what I did there, Neil? I just made a joke about a bad Doctor Who story. You must be so proud of me.

Nicol rolls her eyes. And then we’re treated to a glorious model shot of the Liberator.

Sue: Why didn’t they use this model earlier? That’s really good.
Nicol: They could have flipped it over and had it going the other way if they were worried about repeating the shot. Anything would have been better than them zooming into a still photograph.

Vila doesn’t want anything to do with the mysterious projectile.

Me: Some people say that I look like Vila.
Sue: You look nothing like him! You act like him, but you don’t look like him.
Nicol: They’re probably referring to your receding hairline.

Zen breaks down. I know just how he feels.

Nicol: This is what happens when you ask Siri for directions when you don’t live in America.

Jenna and Blake decide to board the projectile.

Sue: The hint of pink on their teleport bracelets matches Jenna’s top. If only Colin Baker’s coat had been as subtle as Jenna’s blouse, it could have worked.

Blake tells Avon to ‘put him across’.

Sue: Blake desperately wanted to say ‘beam us down’, but he didn’t want to get done for copyright.

Jenna and Blake teleport to the projectile.

Sue: Oh no! They’ve lost their legs in a horrific transporter accident!
Me: No they haven’t. Although the way they’ve framed that special effect makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Sue: I hate the Ready Brek effect. It looks cheap and nasty. Why don’t they just repeat the wibbly-wobbly effect instead? It’s so much better.

The projectile is packed with cryogenically frozen humanoids.

Sue: It’s like that episode of Star Trek that you put me through not so long ago.

I admit it. I convinced Sue to watch ‘Space Seed’ before she saw Star Trek Into Darkness. She didn’t thank me for it.

Sue: At least Star Trek was made in colour. Blake’s 7 is made in brown.

The teleport has stopped working, and with the projectile’s oxygen supply rapidly running out, Avon is forced to retrieve Blake and Jenna with a risky manual manoeuvre.

Sue: Christ, this is boring.

When I turn to gauge Nicol’s reaction, I’m disappointed to find her face bathed in the light of her mobile phone.

Sue: They’re just killing time. This is tedious. Even Paul Darrow can’t save this.

The Liberator swallows the projectile whole.

Sue: And now they’re ripping off James Bond as well.

After what feels like an eternity, the projectile is safely stowed away in the Liberator‘s hold.

Sue: What a clart on. I hope they don’t have to do that every week. And why is Avon wearing a filthy apron?
Nicol: Tabards are obviously very fashionable in the future. What year is this supposed to be, Neil?
Sue: He doesn’t know, Nicol. He’s fucking useless.
Me: It’s the third century of the second calendar, actually.
Sue: Well, that clears that up.

Our heroes examine the capsule. I’m fed up with calling it a bloody projectile, even if the script isn’t.

Sue: It looks all right, I suppose. It looks like it’s made from metal and it’s been floating in space for a while. I’m impressed.

While the humanoids are left to defrost, Blake, Avon and Vila prepare to teleport to Suarian Major.

Sue: Vila is in charge of the picnic, I see.
Me: They seem to be missing quite a few bracelets already, and it’s only the fourth episode.
Sue: Nice try, Neil, but you are not looking at their bracelets. You are staring at Jenna’s arse.
Nicol: Mother!
Sue: You can’t miss it! Look at it!

Saurian Major is, to quote Sue, ‘a bit of a shithole’.

Sue: If this is Saurian Major, I’d hate to see Saurian Minor. And I definitely recognise this quarry from Doctor Who. I feel like I’m having a Doctor Who flashback.
Me: They’re probably shooting an episode of Doctor Who on the other side of that hill.
Sue: They should have pooled their resources and saved some money. They could have shared the lights and the catering. By the way, have they taken all the blue out of the image, or is there a fault with the camera? It looks like the white balance is completely fucked.

Back on the Liberator, Jenna is chillaxing with Gan.

Sue: When I worked as a hairdresser, people actually asked for hair like hers.
Nicol: They asked for a Jenna from Blake’s 7?
Sue: No, they asked for a Farrah Fawcett. In fact, Jenna looks like Farrah Fawcett if Farah Fawcett was hard up for cash and had to do panto.

Gan tells Jenna that he was sent to Cygnus Alpha because he killed a security guard who murdered his ‘woman’.

Nicol: His woman? Is he a Neanderthal?

Gan bows his head in grief and shame.

Sue: Ooh, he’s got something stuck to his head. Is he wearing hair plugs?

When Jenna decides to check in on their guests, she discovers that one of them is missing.

Sue: Dudley Simpson obviously went to Spain for his holidays. He’s come back obsessed with maracas. Or is it castanets?
Nicol: It’s rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes have got on the ship.

One of the frozen men has strange markings on his face.

Sue: I’ve seen those veins before. I never forget a vein.
Me: If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that was Bob Peck.
Nicol: This is rubbish. I thought Blake’s 7 was going to be a hard-hitting drama that wasn’t afraid to take risks – that’s what it sounded like on the blog – but it’s just like all the other nonsense that you’ve made me and my mam watch.
Sue: Terry Nation has burnt himself out. The first two episodes were actually very good, Nicol. This one’s crap.

Jenna is viciously attacked by one of the capsule’s occupants, and she’s lucky to escape with a broken arm. Thankfully, Gan puts her back together again with a handy hi-tech healing device.

Sue: Oh look, just like on Star Trek. What a surprise.

Meanwhile, on Saurian Major, Blake is being stalked by a figure dressed in red leather.

Sue: Who’s he?

He turns out to be a she.

Sue: Is it Servalan?

The leather clad woman kicks Blake down a small hill.

Nicol: I’ve seen more realistic dives at St James’ Park.

And then she interrogates Blake without moving her lips.

Sue: Either the director is on crack or she’s telepathic.

Blake grabs the telepath and throws her to the ground. He realises that she can’t possibly read minds or she wouldn’t have fallen for his trick.

Sue: What kind of telepath can’t read minds? That’s rubbish!

The telepath’s name is Cally. Sue and Nicol make an involuntary ‘Aww’ noise.

Sue: Now I know she’s definitely one of the goodies. We wouldn’t have named one of the cats after her if she wasn’t a goodie.
Nicol: So why haven’t we got a cat called Gan?
Sue: Gan probably gets killed. I bet that’s the reason.
Me: We don’t have a cat called Gan because Gan is a stupid name for a cat.
Nicol: And Gallifrey isn’t?
Me: If we had a cat named Gan, you’d keep asking me, ‘Where’s Gan gan?’ and I don’t think I could cope with that.
Sue: Well, now that Cally has arrived, I make that Blake’s 6. If you count Zen that is, which I have to, according to Neil.

Cally tells Blake that the planet’s security forces are hunting the resistance fighters in the hills and jungles.

Sue: Jungles? Is she having a laugh? The only greenery I’ve seen on this planet is that fucking bush. There it is - over there.

Back on the Liberator, and Gan has mysteriously disappeared.

Sue: Where’s Gan gan?
Me: See!

Jenna searches the capsule for her missing crewmate.

Sue: Gan couldn’t possibly fit in there. The door’s too small. Is she mad?

Jenna is attacked again, but this time she’s come prepared and she shoots her assailant dead. Oh, and Gan was in the capsule, after all.

Sue: I’m sorry but that is ridiculous. He couldn’t have got through that door.

Gan tells Jenna that he can’t kill anyone because he has a limiter implanted in his head.

Sue: When did that happen? Who put it there? Did the aliens put it there? Eh? What?
Nicol: Does this spaceship have anything to do with the planet the other lot are on?
Me: No.
Nicol: Oh.

Blake, Avon, Vila and Cally infiltrate a Federation call centre.

Sue: I’ve definitely seen this location in Doctor Who before. A Jon Pertwee story, I think.

‘The Hand of Fear’, actually. But well spotted, Sue.

Our heroes find themselves outside a locked door with a Federation logo emblazoned on it.

Sue: It’s the Star Trek triangle again.
Me: That’s the Federation’s logo.
Sue: Why would you put the bad guys’ logo on your good guys’ logo? (She means the programme’s logo.) What’s that all about? That’s stupid.

Vila opens the locked door and Avon begins to sabotage the paraneutronic generator that lies behind it. He says it will take him five minutes, but he’ll try to do it in two.

Sue: That’s definitely a Star Trek joke. We should have played Star Trek Bingo.

Another visitor has thawed out on the Liberator. I suggest that he’s been to the same tailor as Zardoz. Sue thinks he looks like a Mexican bandit. It’s the same thing, basically. Anyway, he attacks Jenna.

Sue: A rubbish fight with some badly choreographed gymnastics. HOUSE! I win!

Gan comes to the rescue. Sort of. Sue believes that Gan’s limiter has been placed in his head by the aliens, because the alternative doesn’t make any sense.

Sue: He’s been threatening to tear people’s arms out ever since we met him, so this must be a recent development. And if he can’t kill, does that stop him from maiming? Can’t he just shoot the bugger in the leg?

Jenna finds the tools she needs to disconnect the capsule from the Liberator‘s power supply.

Nicol: She’s got a complete collection of sonic screwdrivers. In fact, she’s got more sonics than you have, Neil. And you’ve got loads.

Avon triggers the reactor on Saurian Major.

Sue: If only they could steal Star Trek‘s special effects as well. That explosion was pitiful.

The crew teleport back to the Liberator just in time.

Sue: They did that last week. It’s getting boring already.

But just when we think it’s all over, another space bandit attacks Jenna.

Sue: Is it just me or is he threatening her with chopsticks?

When Blake rushes into the hold, he accidentally pushes the bandit into the ship’s power supply, killing him instantly.

Sue: What a load of shit.

The crew decide to fling the capsule/projectile/whatever-it-is back into space, just to be on the safe side. Vila is mightily relieved – they could have been up to their armpits in homicidal maniacs within the hour.

Sue: Just to be clear, Neil, you are a sarcastic git, just like Vila, but you don’t look anything like him.
Me: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Sue: Vila’s got more hair.

The episode ends with a debate about the number of crewmembers Blake has managed to acquire so far. It’s art imitating life, I guess. Anyway, Blake wants to include Zen but Avon isn’t having it.

Sue: I’m with Avon. I don’t think you can count Zen either. He isn’t real. That would be like counting your mobile phone as one of your best friends.

Me: Try telling that to Nicol.

Cue credits.

The Score

Nicol: I liked the theme music. Everything else was dreadful. I think I’ll leave you to it from now on.
Sue: That wasn’t very good. They should have picked up Cally in the first five minutes and skipped the rest. And why didn’t they just blow up the call centre from orbit? Are you seriously telling me that they don’t have any missiles on that ship? If I ever see that ship firing any missiles, I’ll be pissed off.

3/10

Sue: Terry fucking Nation!

I try to lighten the mood:

Me: So who’s your favourite character so far, Sue?
Sue: Avon.
Me: And who’s your least favourite character so far, Sue?
Sue: Anyone who isn’t Avon.

Blog tagline: Where’s Gan gan? (Look, I was in a hurry.)

Glen’s trailer: ‘He’s useless and she gets kidnapped all the time.’

NOTES: This episode put Nicol off Blake’s 7 for life. It could have been worse, I suppose. I could have shown her the next one.

If you don’t know who Ken Morse is, you clearly haven’t lived.

If you’re a stranger to the North of England, ‘clart on’ means ‘a pain in the arse’.

I got the ‘third century of the second calendar’ date from the DVD box set trailers. So it’s probably wrong.

I own three sonic screwdrivers. I don’t care what Sue says, that isn’t loads.

Comment: The painful simile of Jenna ‘like a butterfly hovering over broken glass, unable to settle’ while she wonders where Gan has got to has never left my brain in 35 bloody years. - Harriet

A5: The Web

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Michael E. Briant
Broadcast: 30 January 1978
Blogged: 17 January 2014

Sue: We’ve landed on the planet of The Prisoner balloons and a Yeti is running riot.

This is what I’ve done to my wife. Whenever she sees a mysterious alien web these days she automatically assumes that it must be a Yeti. Not a giant space spider – a Yeti. Not that there are any giant space spiders in this story, but you know what I mean.

Sue: Center Parcs has really let itself go in whatever the hell year this is.

Deep inside a domed habitat, a disembodied voice repeats the same phrase over and over again. Sue can’t make out the words because the music is much too loud, but if Sue’s brain can’t make out three simple words, it goes into meltdown when she claps eyes on the source of this half-whispered mantra.

Sue: What the hell is THAT?

Words can’t describe it, but Sue has a bloody good go anyway.

Sue: It’s an alien catheter cock monster!

My wife looks disgusted. I, on the other hand, am laughing like a drain. It’s a defence mechanism; I haven’t seen this episode for 36 years and revisiting it now has brought back floods of memories, none of them pleasant.

Sue: That was really disturbing… And this is even worse!

Yes, Blake is reclining in bed with his shirt open. And he doesn’t button it up when he strolls onto the flight deck, either.

Sue: Blake wants Jenna to notice his naked chest. Is he trying to laugh her into bed?

Cally, meanwhile, is touring the ship’s spacious interior.

Sue: There are lots of empty rooms on this spaceship. The aliens who designed it didn’t think it through. It must be dragging loads of unnecessary weight around. It can’t be very fuel-efficient.

Vila bumps into Cally in a corridor. He asks her what she thinks of his new outfit.

Sue: You look like a medieval butcher.

Cally caves Vila’s head in.

Sue: Nice hand-held camera. That was nicely done. And Vila’s had that coming for a while.

Avon is tinkering with the Liberator‘s flight systems.

Sue: Avon has decided to dress as a bad guy. Everybody else has gone for a Merry Man look, but not him. He’s dressed as the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Cally places a finger on her temple before she asks Avon where the ship’s forward detector links are located.

Sue: She’s the only telepath I know who extracts information from people BY ASKING THEM!

According to Sue, you can cut the sexual tension between Avon and Cally with a laser saw.

Sue: She doesn’t need to be a telepath to know what Avon’s thinking right now. For heaven’s sake, get a room!

But Cally has other things on her mind, like sabotaging the ship, for example.

Sue: Blake should have vetted his crew better.
Me: His crew consists of thieves and murderers - and he’s a convicted child molester. I’m not sure how a vetting process would have worked.

Gan is resting in his room when he’s summoned to the flight deck.

Sue: Does no one wear pyjamas on this bloody ship?
Me: Just be grateful that he didn’t get his baps out.

Blake and Avon confront Cally, who has burnt out the ship’s detector links with her hand.

Sue: Wow. That burn is very realistic; too realistic for this time slot. This is a very disturbing episode and we’re only ten minutes into it. The direction is interesting, too. I like the POV shots a lot.

And then – and this completely ruins the mood – we pay another visit to the alien catheter cock monster.

Sue: I don’t know how they did it, but it’s stupid and scary at the same time. I don’t want to look at it but I can’t take my eyes off it, either. And by it, I really do mean IT! Look, Neil!

I can’t. It’s 1978 again and I’m about to wet the bed.

Meanwhile, back on the Liberator…

Sue: Is Zen made from copper? Does he ever get verdigris? I bet Zen would look lovely with some nice verdigris.

Thanks to Cally’s handiwork, the ship is now flying blind.

Sue: Why doesn’t somebody just look out of a window?

The ship is suddenly ensnared in a giant space web.

Sue: Is it the Great Intelligence? Are monsters from Doctor Who allowed to appear in Blake’s 7, or is that against the rules?
Me: Terry Nation wanted the Daleks to appear in an episode, but the BBC vetoed it.
Sue: I bet he would have pulled out one of his old scripts, changed all the names, and hoped no one would notice.

Avon demonstrates the ship’s automatic repair systems to Gan. When Gan tells him that Blake wouldn’t be interested in selling the technology to anyone else, Avon reminds him that there will come a time when Blake won’t be the one making all the decisions. Avon smiles. Sue laughs.

Sue: The cheeky bastard. I love him.

Blake fires at the web with the Liberator‘s blasters. But Vila forgets to raise the neutron flare shield. The idiot!

Sue: I love the fact that they still don’t know how to work the ship yet. They haven’t got a clue. Four months they’ve had to work it out. Four fucking months!

The Liberator manages to move one hundred spatials.

Sue: How long is a spatial? Is it an inch? A mile? What?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t even know if it’s spatial or spacial.
Sue: I think I’ve finally worked out why Avon hates Blake so much. It’s because Blake won’t stop calling him Avin and it’s getting on his tits.

Blake prepares to teleport to the co-ordinates provided by the alien catheter cock monster. And if Sue thinks this creature is the weirdest thing about the episode, then she’s in for a shock.

Sue: Oh… My… God.

Sue is momentarily lost for words as the Decimas wreak havoc on Center Parcs.

Sue: They’re shit Ewoks.
Me: That’s a tautology if ever I heard one.
Sue: Look at that one with the wild staring eyes. Either he really loves his job or he’s high on ketamine.

At which point, Sue hits a brick wall.

Sue: I thought Blake’s 7 was going to be easy. I thought it was going to be this gritty, adult space drama. But it’s shit. Utter shit! Even Doctor Who would have thought twice about this. How many months will it take us to get through Blake’s 7, Neil? I’m having second thoughts about this.

Blake teleports to the planet below.

Sue: He looks like he’s going fishing in that anorak.

A spear thrown by a Decima grazes Blake’s hand.

Sue: That was really good, actually. Basically, the make-up department are saying, if you want a gory, messed-up hand, that’s fine. Not a problem. Bring it on. Anything else, forget it.

The Decima begs Blake for help.

Sue: What the…? You just tried to kill him!

A door in the habitat opens and a humanoid dressed in tin foil and see-thru plastic – so Sue immediately spots his bright red underpants – kills the little fella with a shock stick.

Sue: I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Blake is introduced to two humanoids – Novara and Geela. Sue thinks they look like they are waiting for Steve Strange to turn up so they can form a band. Geela tends to Blake’s wound, which looks really nasty. So nasty, in fact, I have to turn away.

Sue: You can look again, Neil. They cured it with some bacon. Ha! Cured bacon. Get it?

For some inexplicable reason, Sue falls for Novara’s charms.

Sue: Is he the final crewmember? I like him. He can stay. This is what Paul McGann will look like when he goes grey.

Blake watches helplessly as a Decima cries its little heart out.

Sue: Aww. I feel sorry for it. Sorry and a little bit nauseous.

I’m wiping away tears, too. Tears of laughter.

Geela is convinced that the Decimas almost have emotions.

Sue: Almost? It’s crying its fucking eyes out, love! I’m not worried, though. Blake will save them.
Me: I don’t want to give too much away, Sue, but one of those little critters is the final crewmember. You have to guess which one it is. They call him Weepy and he gets into all sorts of funny scrapes. Put the cushion down, love, I’m joking.

Blake would love to stop and chat, but several Federation pursuit ships are closing in on the Liberator. If they maintain their present course and speed, the enemy ships will be within two million spatials in no time.

Sue: That’s about a yard, I think.

It turns out that Novara and Geela created the Decimas.

Sue: They must be really embarrassed about that. I bet you can’t take them anywhere.

And then, suddenly and unexpectedly, and for approximately two and a half minutes, Sue actually engaged with the plot.

Sue: It’s a fascinating moral dilemma, but I don’t really give a shit. And Blake is hogging all the plots. Yes, his name in the title of the programme, but Avon never gets a look-in. Blake loves being the centre of attention.

Blake finally meets Saymon face to face (he’s basically just a face).

Me: Gareth Thomas isn’t acting, here. That look of horror and disbelief on his face is completely genuine. This was his reaction when he saw the Saymon prop for the first time.
Sue: It’s just a man sticking his head through a hole in a wall. His arms, his legs, and his ‘you know what’, are all made from pipe cleaners. Actually, I can’t listen to this any more. I can’t take it seriously.

Avon teleports to the planet with the power cells Saymon needs to destroy the web (and the Decimas). Saymon tells Blake that the power cells must be protected, but Blake is more interested in his friend’s safety.

Sue: Aww, Blake thinks Avon is his friend. How adorable. Poor Blake.

Avon strolls towards the domed habitat.

Sue: What’s the point of the orange balls? The last time I saw this many inflatable balls, I was at a Muse concert.

Blake catches up with Avon and they bury the power cells in the undergrowth. And then Blake throws away the box they came in.

Sue: Why not put the cells back in the box and bury that instead? What happens if a shit Ewok accidentally steps on it? You idiot, Blake!

It’s all academic, anyway, because the cells are immediately recovered by Novara.

Sue: Oh well, that killed two minutes.

Then the Decimas go bat shit crazy and all hell breaks loose.

Sue: Have you put something in my tea, Neil?

The revolt results in an orgy of violence.

Sue: Vicious little bastards, aren’t they? They make the Ewoks look like little cuddly teddy bears.
Me: Er…
Sue: And that noise! That noise is giving me a headache. Make it stop!
Me: Utini!

The revolt culminates in an unforgettable scene that features the Decimas playing football with their parents’ rotting heads. I’m not making this up. Sue is horrified, appalled, and a little bit sick.

Sue: This is the most messed-up piece of shit you’ve ever made me watch, Neil. When we get divorced, this is definitely Exhibit A.
Me: I’m sorry. I must have blocked it out. I definitely saw it in 1978. It traumatised me, I think. I didn’t sleep for weeks. It’s all coming back to me now. In fact, I think I need counselling.

The episode concludes with Blake and Avon pontificating about all the weird shit they’ve just been through.

Sue: They should go back to bed and pretend it was all a dream. That’s what I’m going to do.

Cue credits. Thank God.

The Score

Sue: It was too noisy, too gory and too stupid for words. They should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t know what else to say.

1/10

Sue: And that’s only because Avon was in it. A bit.

BLOG TAGLINE: Saymon Says…

Glen’s trailer: A unique Blake’s 7-Red Dwarf-harpsichord mash-up.

NOTES: Fucking hell.

Comment: This is seriously some of Deep Roy’s best acting in all four of his Blake’s 7 roles. The emotional impact of the Decima wouldn’t have been there without his eyes piercing through the latex and into the viewers’ minds. - John

A6: Seek-Locate-Destroy

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 6 February 1978
Blogged: 21 January 2014

Forget the opening voiceover, as far as Sue is concerned, this episode takes place on the planet ICI.

Sue: This must have given Ridley Scott the idea to film Blade Runner in Middlesbrough.

Before I can argue with her, a security robot trundles into view. Sue pulls a face at it.

Me: It could have been worse - it could have been Metal Mickey.
Sue: It could have been better - it could have been Dusty Bin.

The security robot opens fire on some electrical wiring that’s flapping harmlessly in the wind.

Sue: Are you sure it’s a good idea to fire a weapon like that in a chemical plant? What does the robot do when it sees a crisp packet? Does it go nuclear?

Blake informs the Liberator that he’s ‘down and safe’.

Sue: Blake always goes down first. If Blake were really the one in charge, he’d make Gan go down first. I think Blake’s got a death wish.

The crew prepare to join Blake on Centero.

Sue: They’re wearing colour-coordinated anoraks from Millets. That’s nice.
Me: I’d like an anorak like that. I don’t think these outfits have dated that much.
Sue: That’s why I don’t let you buy your own clothes, Neil.

Vila teleports to Blake’s location.

Sue: It must be really difficult to infiltrate a secret base when the teleport effect has its own theme music. Don’t tell me the robot didn’t hear those trumpets.

Vila doesn’t really want to participate in this mission.

Sue: Vila is basically the Ian Beale of Blake’s 7. I know I’m supposed to empathise with him, but I just want to punch him in the face.

The security robot returns for another sweep as Vila attempts to break into a TOP SECURITY area. Blake orders him to take cover.

Sue: Where exactly? Behind the fucking ladder?

Vila eventually hacks his way into the compound.

Sue: Does this scene really warrant the ‘Love Theme from Blake’s 7’? Are Vila and Blake an item now? That would make sense, actually.

Vila and Blake disable two Federation guards with the ancient martial art known as ‘Panto’, while Avon, Cally and Gan, armed to the teeth with explosives, prepare to teleport to the planet.

Sue: There isn’t a lot of love in Blake’s 7. It’s one big bitch-fest. And what does Blake carry around in those little bum bags on his belt? Extra-strong mints? And why are they running around this place, anyway? Have we missed an episode? What are they trying to do? How is this going to clear Blake’s name?
Me: This is basically what they do now; they land on Federation planets and blow stuff up.
Sue: Oh, so they’re terrorists, now?
Me: Terrorists or freedom fighters, it’s up to you, Sue. Remember what was going on in 1978 when the BBC made Blake’s 7.
Sue: Oh right, I see. So Blake is a militant trade unionist.
Me: I’m talking about the IRA.
Sue: Only if the IRA were Welsh. So what’s the shit robot supposed to represent?
Me: The weak pound.

Blake’s crew manage to successfully steal a Federation cipher machine.

Sue: So this is what Blake does now, is it? He breaks into secret bases and nicks stuff. Like Ocean’s 7 in Space?

A Federation trooper assaults Cally.

Sue: What a terrible fight. What Blake’s 7 really needs right now is Stuart Fell.

Cally loses her bracelet during the fight, which means she fails to teleport back to the Liberator with the rest of the gang. Sue doesn’t understand why Cally’s bracelet didn’t teleport back to the ship without her, but she’s silly like that.

Sue: I don’t believe this. They haven’t even noticed that Cally is missing yet. They hate each other so much, they don’t even realise when they’ve lost a crewmember. That is shocking.
Me: She wasn’t even wearing the red anorak.

Blake decides to take control of the situation.

Sue: Why is Blake the boss? Did they ever vote on that? I don’t understand why Avon isn’t the leader. I know who I’d rather follow. I like Blake – he means well – but he’s a bit suicidal.

Meanwhile, on a space station somewhere else…

Sue: Is it Servalan?
Me: Yes, love. Yes, it is.
Sue: She’s gorgeous and she isn’t wearing a bra.

Supreme Commander Servalan discusses Blake’s crusade with two men named Bercol and Rontane (the latter is played by Peter ‘Nyder’ Miles).

Sue: He’s a bad guy. He’s always the bad guy. He was in Doctor Who, and he was definitely the bad guy.
Me: Thank you. That’s what I wanted to know.
Sue: Servalan sounds like Margaret Thatcher to me. Is that who Servalan is supposed to represent, a sexy Margaret Thatcher?
Me: Servalan isn’t in charge of the Federation. She’s in charge of the Federation’s security services.
Sue: So she’s a sexy M?

Servalan promises to put her best man on the job: the one and only Space Commander Travis.

Sue: I was wondering when he was going to show up. Is this why you convinced our Kenny to call his dog Travis, because Travis chases the cats?

It’s true. I did suggest that Sue’s younger brother name his dog Travis, and I didn’t have to mention Blake’s 7 once. I convinced him to name the dog after Travis Perkins, the builders’ merchants. Like that was less sad, somehow.

Sue: So, if Servalan is a sexy M, Travis must be a sexy James Bond. Actually, that doesn’t really work. Maybe he’s an ugly James Bond. Anyway, I like her big chair, even if it is a bit mucky round the back.

Blake’s crew bugger off, leaving Cally to her fate.

Sue: Unbelievable. Captain Kirk would never leave Scotty or Spock behind like that. And not only that, we’re back to Blake’s-bloody-5 again!

Jenna gives Blake a hard time for feeling guilty about Cally.

Sue: Jenna never really liked Cally, in the sense that she liked her even less than the other people she doesn’t really like on this ship.

Servalan’s space station reminds Sue of the film 2001: A Space Odyssey. If 2001: A Space Odyssey‘s special effects were made by Blue Peter, that is.

Sue: You can actually see a coat hanger sticking out of the top of the space station. Unbelievable.

A Federation officer questions Servalan’s decision to employ Travis. She explains that she choose him because he is an advocate of total war who carries out his orders with meticulous thoroughness.

Sue: They are really bigging Travis up. If he turns out to be completely useless after all this hype, I won’t be very happy.

Travis finally makes his big entrance, and yes, he really is an ugly James Bond.

Sue: It’s Darth Vader meets the Phantom of the Opera meets the Borg.

Travis is given his marching orders: search for, find and kill Blake.

Sue: It’s For Your Eye Only.

Meanwhile, back on the Liberator, Avon has used the cipher machine they stole from Centero to hack into the Federation’s battle computers. The crew are taking it in turns to monitor its transmissions, because asking your large supercomputer to do it for you would be fruitless, when Avon intercepts a transmission that mentions a certain Space Commander Travis by name.

Blake can’t believe it – he thought Travis was dead. He thought he killed him.

Sue: Terry just knocked it out of the park. It’s a huge coincidence, but I’m going to go with it.

After a quick Martini, Travis begins his investigations on Centero. A technician receives a report that something has been found under the rubble. He acknowledges this news by holding a communicator up to his throat.

Sue: Do the technicians on the ICI planet have throat cancer? Is the power plant radioactive?

Travis, who Sue believes is dressed as an evil, kinky Superman, extracts Cally from the rubble and reports back to Servalan.

Sue: His peripheral vision must be terrible. Why didn’t they give him a bigger hole? I’ve seen pinhole cameras with bigger holes than that.

To compensate for this shortcoming, Travis shows off his massive ring.

Sue: I bet that catches when he zips up his flies.

It turns out that Blake and Travis are old enemies.

Sue: That was nicely done, the way they cut between Blake and Travis like that. They are really trying to build this up, even though this rivalry has turned up completely out of the blue. Sherlock needs Moriarty, the Doctor needs the Master, and Blake needs this guy. Yes, we get it. But would it have killed them to mention his name in the first episode? Story arc, my arse.

Blake tells the crew about his quarrel with Travis during a coffee break on the Liberator.

Sue: Did Blake shoot him in the eye? I want to see the flashback where Blake shoots him in the eye.

Back in the good old days, when Blake was public enemy number one, Travis ambushed and killed some of Blake’s friends.

Sue: We may as well be watching Jackanory. Can we have a flashback, please?

Cally is taken to the Federation’s Interrogation Division.

Sue: If Cally was a proper telepath, she might be able to do something useful, here. Unfortunately, she’s just a glorified ventriloquist at the end of the day.

Blake decides to return to Centero to save Cally, even though he knows it’s a trap. He tells Zen to lay in a course, speed Standard by Six.

Sue: Why not make it Standard by Seven? If you really cared about Cally, you’d go speed Standard by Eight!

Zen makes the course correction.

Sue: Even the computer hates them. There’s no respect on this ship. Blake needs to take everyone on a team-building weekend after this.

Travis is waiting for Blake to arrive on Centero so he can spring his trap.

Sue: Travis is a little on the camp side, but still very intense. I’m not sure about him yet.

Travis incapacitates Cally so she can’t cry out when Blake arrives.

Sue: Cally will use her ventriloquism to guide Blake in. She’s finally found a use for her naff superpower.

Travis stalks the security compound with a stern look on his face.

Sue: Travis is thinking to himself: we need better architects. Our planets are complete shitholes.

When Travis returns to the interrogation room, Blake is already waiting for him.

Sue: They should have monitored the room for trumpets.

Cally turns the tables on Travis.

Sue: Go on. Poke his other eye out.

But Blake decides to let Travis live.

Sue: Big mistake. Shoot his other hand off at least!

Sue gasps when Blake blasts Travis’s robotic hand to smithereens instead. Then Blake and Cally teleport to safety before Federation reinforcements can arrive, and a furious Travis is forced to launch his interceptors.

Sue: Travis sounds like he’s going to burst into tears. He’s a big baby.

Back on the Liberator, Blake is fondling Travis’s tiny gun.

Sue: Well, you know what they say…

Travis vows to hunt Blake down.

Sue: Given what I’ve seen so far, I won’t hold my breath.

Cue credits.

Sue: Hang on a minute… How did Blake get through all those security measures? Did Cally do something clever and I missed it? I’m confused.
Me: Blake arrived there before they put Cally in the interrogation room. He hid there, I think. You know, like Travis in the flashback we didn’t see.
Sue: Well that wasn’t very clear. Hang on… So Blake was in the room the whole time Travis was in there with Cally? Travis needs to get that eye seen to. He can’t see shit.

The Score

Sue: Well, that was better than the last one. Still not very good, though. It was just a big set-up because they forgot to do it earlier. But at least it’s going somewhere. I think. It needs to buck its ideas up. Oh, and Avon did sod all again.

5/10

Blog tagline: Good Greif… (I was quite pleased with that one.)

Glen’s trailer: Do the bossa nova!

NOTES: We live close enough to the ICI plant in Middlesbrough that we saw it explode in June 2006 while we sat in our caravan watching television. I thought the massive fireball was the result of a terrorist attack, but it turned out to be a gas leak. Or at least that’s what the Federation told us.

Comment: Jackie called me a slag once. Marvellous, wonderful woman. – Robert Dick

A7: Mission to Destiny

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Pennant Roberts
Broadcast: 13 February 1978
Blogged: 24 January 2014

Sue continues to have a complicated relationship with the theme music.

Sue: It reminds me of The Onedin Line. It’s too horny for me.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sue: Too many trumpets. ‘Mission to Destiny’? Sounds like the title to a bad seventies disco album.

She doesn’t mention Terry’s name any more. She just sighs.

Anyway, the episode begins on…

Sue: The starship Ann Summers.

It’s actually called the Ortega, and a familiar face is behind the wheel.

Sue: He’s familiar.
Me: He’s best known for playing a serial killer in Coronation Street, but you wouldn’t know anything about that because you didn’t watch it back then. I wouldn’t allow it.
Sue: What I do know is that he definitely had a crafty sniff before he said his line. He must have a really bad cold… or a drug problem.

The pilot is attending to his duties -

Sue: Is that a dot-to-dot puzzle?

- when an unseen assailant suddenly bludgeons the poor man to death.

Sue: If we were watching Doctor Who, we wouldn’t have seen any blood.
Me: Unless you count all those episodes of Doctor Who were we saw some blood, of course.
Sue: It’s a lot more adult than Doctor Who. It’s trying to be edgy and shocking. But it’s mostly shocking.

The Liberator stumbles across the ship, which is now drifting helplessly in space.

Sue: Can’t they download a different voice for Zen, like you can for your sat nav? You know, so he doesn’t sound quite so arsey all the time. Because every time Zen says ‘Confirmed’, all I can hear is ‘Fuck you’.

Avon, Cally and Blake teleport to the Ortega.

Sue: This is nice and bijou. At least it isn’t just an empty room. There’s a nice selection of board games, too.

Blake can smell trouble.

Sue: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

At least Sue approves of Avon’s new look.

Sue: I like the different shades of grey. I guess it’s supposed to represent Avon’s character. That’s clever. It also explains why Vila is dressed like a dick.

Blake and Cally search the ship’s living quarters.

Sue: Did Blake just stifle a yawn? I know this is tedious, but even so.

Cally suddenly succumbs to the arms of Morpheus and Blake has to snap her out of it.

Sue: (groggy) I can’t. It’s… a… Terry… Nation… script…

It’s gas, actually. Or sono vapour to be more precise.

Sue: So the pilot didn’t have a cold or a drug problem, after all. It all makes perfect sense, now.

Blake closes the cabin’s ventilator.

Sue: He pulled the knob off! It just bounced across the floor!

Blake finds Avon in the section of the ship where the crew grow their marijuana.

Sue: They had a heavy night on the spacey super skunk. They’re sleeping it off.

Cally continues to investigate the ship.

Sue: Either someone is playing an old silent film with a tinkly piano soundtrack in that room, or Dudley Simpson is taking the piss.

Speaking of film…

Sue: Why have they switched from video to film all of a sudden? Did they have some old stock they needed to use up?
Me: They must have gone on location to film this bit.
Sue: What a waste of money. It’s just a panel with a thing sticking out of it. Did they really have to leave the building to film that? They could have shot that anywhere. I would have murdered the producer for that. And it’s really grubby film as well. This is worse than VHS!

Avon finds the gas cylinder that sent the crew to sleep.

Me: Maybe it was a weird sex game that went horribly wrong.

Cally finds the dead pilot, and then, when she’s certain she’s safe, she holsters her gun.

Sue: What a clart on! What kind of holster uses Velcro? If there’s a gunfight, that Velcro will get her killed, you mark my words.

Before he died, the pilot scrawled the numbers 4-4-1-2-4 on the flight deck with his own blood.

Sue: Maybe it’s the date? I still don’t know when Blake’s 7 is supposed to be set.

A crewmember named Sara wakes up and screams the place down.

Sue: Auditions for Doctor Who are in the studio next door, pet.

The Ortega‘s crew convene in the ship’s games room. They look like they’ve just been date raped.

Sue: Miserable bunch, aren’t they? They could give Blake’s crew a run for their money when it comes to seething resentment and barely disguised hatred for one another.
Me: Do you recognise anyone in this room, Sue?
Sue: They do look vaguely familiar. Are they Play School presenters?

I pause the DVD so I can point at John Leeson.

Me: That’s K9.
Sue: Like I’m going to recognise him! He looks nothing like K9. Is this what the actor did when K9 couldn’t appear in Doctor Who because the floors wouldn’t support him? Did he do Blake’s 7 to keep himself busy?

Sue would rather spend some quality time with the regulars.

Sue: You’ve already got six characters and a grumpy computer. The last thing this show needs is another six characters! What was Terry thinking? And their collars are ridiculous. Are they a travelling band of court jesters?

No, they’re racing back to their home planet with a cure for a nasty fungal infection.

Sue: Blake should invite them to join his crew. They don’t like the Federation very much, and they’re definitely mardy enough. It could be Blake’s 12, and that way he’d have a few left in reserve, just in case anyone buggers off or dies.

Blake offers to take a precious neutrotope to the planet Destiny – it will take the Liberator four days to make the trip, as opposed to five months in the crippled Ortega. Avon and Cally agree to stay with the Ortega‘s crew until Blake returns.

Sue: Why don’t they all go home at the same time? There’s plenty of room on the Liberator. There’s no furniture for them to sit on, but there’s plenty of room.

Avon doesn’t care if their planet turns into a giant mushroom or not.

Sue: Avon gets all the best lines. They should have given him his own series.

Cally heads to the ship’s stores to find some laser transfer linkage, whatever the hell that is.

Sue: Cally is painfully thin. She needs some mince and dumplings inside her. I worry about her health.

Cally explores the stores with the aid of a very large torch.

Sue: It’s a shame their guns don’t light up. Their guns do look like giant light filaments, after all.

When Cally opens a door, a man rolls off a cupboard and onto the floor.

Me: That’s Stuart Fell.
Sue: Of course it is. Who else could it be? I was thinking about him only the other day. And before you ask, yes, Stuart fell very well.

Avon summons everyone to the ship’s drawing room to inform them that a murderer is in their midst.

Sue: It’s turned into Midsomer Murders in Space. I don’t like it.

However, not everyone shares Avon’s suspicions. For example, a crewmember named Grovane believes that a stowaway could have boarded the ship.

Sue: Yeah, it could be the alien catheter cock monster out for revenge.

Meanwhile, Blake is racing to Destiny with the anti-fungal cream.

Sue: I still don’t understand why they didn’t all get on the Liberator and go there together. There are only so many board games you can play before boredom kicks in.

A meteorite storm is blocking the Liberator‘s path, but going around it will add several days to their journey. Vila still thinks they should go around it.

Sue: Oh, fuck off, Vila.

Meanwhile, a man named Sonheim is flirting with Cally in an attempt to kill some time.

Sue: He’s the worst actor to appear in Blake’s 7 so far, and I’m counting the shit Ewok with the staring eyes. He’s dreadful.

Back on the flight deck, Avon is jumping to conclusions. He thinks the murderer could be Mandrian, for a start.

Sue: Which one is Mandrian again? I can’t keep up. They need name badges. Either that or say ‘the one with the beard’, or ‘the one with the lazy eye’.

The Liberator flies into the meteorite storm.

Sue: Asteroids would have been very popular in pubs about now, so that makes sense.

The Liberator makes it through storm just as its force wall runs out of power.

Sue: They sold that scene with face acting, a piece of string and no special effects whatsoever. I don’t know whether to applaud or boo.

I can tell that Sue’s attention is beginning to wander when she fixates on Avon’s clothing again.

Sue: They’ve glued typewriter keys to his tunic. What’s that all about?
Me: When you press them, they heat up your vest. Actually, I’m just guessing. I don’t really know.
Sue: They are driving me mad. I just want to go up to him and press his buttons.
Me: Yes, I bet you do.

Avon finally solves the case. The message the pilot scrawled in blood wasn’t a series of numbers – it was a series of incomplete letters. Avon connects the dots to form a single word: SARA.

Sue: So the dot-to-dot puzzle was a massive clue all along!

Her secret exposed, Sara decides to hold the crew at gunpoint.

Sue: It’s either a gun or a torch. It’s difficult to tell.

Blake, meanwhile, learns that he’s left Destiny’s precious neutrotope on the Ortega.

Sue: You should have checked that before you left, you moron! It’s the first thing I tell my students when they take video equipment out of the building: always check the box before you leave. Oh, that makes me so angry…

At least Sue finally knows who Sara reminds her of (it’s been bugging her for ages).

Sue: I’ve got it! She’s Leslie Ash before Leslie Ash turned into a fish!

Avon punches Sara in the face. Sue is shocked and appalled. And then Avon admits that he rather enjoyed it.

Sue: Please tell me that didn’t happen, Neil.

She boos at the screen. And then Blake returns with the Liberator, which is just as well because another ship is on its way to blow the Ortega out of the sky.

Sue: Hang on a minute. Did they have to go back through the asteroids again? How could they do that without their force whatsit? If they went around the asteroids, that means Avon has been sitting around for days. Terry Nation doesn’t understand time, does he?

Seconds before Blake can teleport everyone to safety, Sara tears her bracelet off and throws it across the room.

Me: That’s another one they’ve lost. The rate they’re going, they won’t have any left soon.

The episode concludes with Blake taking everyone to Destiny.

Sue: WHY DIDN’T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? ARGH!

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: A square spaceship. What a boring place to set a story. Avon was the best thing in it by a mile, but I’m not sure about him becoming a space detective. It doesn’t suit him at all. And as for him punching a woman in the face - he can fuck right off. If he does that again, I’ll have to switch to Team Blake. Apart from that, what can I say? It was pointless. And where the hell are Travis and Servalan?

3/10

Blog tagline: An Avon Calls… (Oh come on, give me a break.)

Glen’s trailer: Coronation Street‘s horrible murderer is murdered horribly.

NOTES: Ah yes, the punch. Sue got a lot of flack on the blog (and elsewhere) for taking exception to the fact that Avon seemed to take pleasure from punching an unarmed woman in the face. I know! Who saw that coming? Of course, she forgave him ten minutes into the next episode, so you can add ‘inconsistent’, ‘sexist’, and ‘hypocritical’ to Sue’s list of crimes.

Comment: This is the episode in which someone left a white Styrofoam coffee cup sitting on a set wall right behind Avon’s head in the drawing-room scene, isn’t it? – Heath Belden

A8: Duel

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Douglas Camfield
Broadcast: 20 February 1978
Blogged: 28 January 2014

This episode begins on an alien planet, where a figure carved out of stone forms a very striking centrepiece.

Sue: It’s the sort of statue you see outside football stadiums. Is it a goal celebration?
Me: No, it’s Yohan Cabaye tearing up his Newcastle United contract.

An old lady named Giroc has been summoned to this monument.

Sue: The Sisters of Karn have really let themselves go.

She approaches a young woman named Sinofar.

Sue: It must be freezing on this planet.
Me: Because her face is blue?
Sue: I’m not talking about her face, Neil. Stop pretending that you can’t see them.
Me: Yeah… I definitely remember this episode.
Sue: I bet you do! I don’t know why she bothered to get dressed.

Meanwhile, on the flight deck of a Federation pursuit ship:

Sue: Oh good, it’s Travie.
Me: Travie? He’s a bad ass Space Commander, not a bloody dog!

The Space Commander’s ship is piloted by two Mutoids.

Sue: Lady Gaga must have seen this episode. She wore a hat like that once, although I think hers was made out of bacon.

Travis has pursued Blake across several galaxies.

Sue: It’s nice of him to hold his microphone like that. It saves the crew having to struggle with a boom on a cramped set.

Back on the Liberator, Jenna is busy scanning an alien planet.

Sue: I do like her space dress. Ooh, and that was a lovely focus pull. Who directed this?
Me: You tell me.
Sue: Is it Douglas Camfield?

She shoots, she scores. However, given that Douglas Camfield is the only Doctor Who director that she can remember by name, and there’s a photograph of him hanging on our kitchen wall, I guessed this might happen.

Me: Well done. OK, so if this is Douglas Camfield that means something else is different about this episode as well. Have you spotted it yet?
Sue: Yes, this one is quite good.
Me: No, something else. Come on, it’s obvious.
Sue: It’s the music. The music is different. This isn’t Dudley.
Me: And why is that?
Sue: Because Douglas hated Dudley’s guts. Something to do with a champagne bottle, wasn’t it?

Vila accuses Avon of being a machine, which Avon takes as a compliment.

Sue: Either Avon wants to shag Vila, or he wants to kill him. I don’ think he can’t make his mind up.

Back on the pursuit ship, a Mutoid recharges her plasma supply, which explains why opponents of Mutoid modification call them vampires.

Sue: Space vampires? Really? Brilliant!

She isn’t being sarcastic. Honest.

Sue: I’m well into this. Even the model shots look good. And I’m sorry, Dudley, I really am, but this music is a huge improvement on what we usually get. It’s really atmospheric instead of parp-parp-parp-maracas.

Blake, Jenna and Gan, oblivious to the threat posed by Travis, decide to explore the alien planet in person.

Sue: This place is obviously made from polystyrene in a pokey studio in Television Centre, but Douglas is still getting away with it. I’ve seen a lot worse. There’s wind and everything. It’s nicely lit, too. It’s a shame they didn’t use film, though. This is when you really need film, not when you’re standing in an empty room.

Gan spots Federation ships circling the sky above them.

Sue: Classic Camfield three-shot, there. Lovely.

Sinofar also strikes a pose.

Sue: Her dress looks like it’s been painted on.
Me: She’s Isla Blair.
Sue: From The Generation Game?
Me: No, Isla Blair from the Royal Shakespeare Company. She’s married to Julian Glover.
Sue: That name rings a bell.
Me: He’s the randy old priest who likes to get his knackers out on Game of Thrones.
Sue: Oh yes. Well done him.

When Vila sounds the alarm on the Liberator, Avon nearly skids off the set.

Sue: That was brilliant.

I pause the DVD.

Me: Have you forgiven Avon for punching a woman in the face?
Sue: He’s on probation.
Me: Some Blake’s 7 fans think you were a bit sexist for complaining about Avon smacking a woman in the face. You know, double standards and all that.
Sue: They can sod off.
Me: They claim that Avon was well within his rights because Sara was trying to kill him.
Sue: She was unarmed when he punched her, so that’s completely wrong for a start. Look, he’s a bad lad. I get it. It doesn’t mean I have to like it, especially when there’s no need for it, and he didn’t have to enjoy it quite so much, either. I love the way he runs, though, so can we just get on with it, please?

The Federation are closing in…

Sue: It’s Das Boot in Space. It’s quite tense, this.

Blake uses some state of the art technology to plan his next move.

Sue: I’m sure they’ve nicked that device from Match of the Day. Are you absolutely sure this episode isn’t about football?

A violent explosion throws Blake into Avon’s arms.

Sue: (as Avon) We could cuddle while we wait to die.
Me: Stop that, please.

As Blake prepares to ram Travis’s ship, everything grinds to a sudden halt. Sue thinks there’s something wrong with the DVD. When she realises that this is part of the plot, she gives me the thumbs up. In slow motion, of course.

Sue: I don’t think ramming the other ship is such a good idea. The Liberator‘s pointy bits will snap off.

When the two ships are a million spatials apart (that’s about an inch), Blake and Travis begin screaming in agony.

Sue: OK, it’s all gone a bit mad, now. I don’t have a clue what’s going on any more, and it’s been going on for ages.

When normality is finally resumed – Sue claims she could have made a cup of tea in the time it took – Giroc’s voice can be heard in both ships.

Sue: I didn’t understand a word she just said. Did she forget to put her teeth in?

Blake and Travis are mysteriously transported to an alien planet against their will.

Sue: Oh, I see. The old woman is Yoda and the woman with practically nothing on is Q from Star Trek. OK, I get it now.

Travis tells his hosts why he hates Blake so much: he’s an enemy of the state and a fugitive.

Sue: You left out child molester. If you want to get them on your side, start with child molester. Tell them he’s on the sex offender register.

Travis’s response clearly excites Giroc.

Sue: Are there only two women on this planet?
Me: Yes.
Sue: If I were Blake, I’d be saying, ‘I don’t fancy yours much, Travis.’

Blake and Travis will fight each other to the death, although a friend will be chosen keep them company in the interim, which means Jenna vanishes from the Liberator‘s flight deck, too.

Sue: Thank God they didn’t send Vila to help him. Blake would be killed in a matter of seconds.

Blake wanders into a forest.

Sue: This is basically the Hunger Games of its day, but with space vampires and magic wizards.

Giroc’s psychic powers send Blake into a tizzy.

Sue: That’s the best-directed mind-fuck I’ve ever seen. That was brilliant. Douglas was wasted on television.

Blake’s crew monitor these events from the comfort of the Liberator‘s coffee lounge.

Sue: I’m surprised Gan hasn’t got a tub of popcorn on his lap.

And then something awful happens.

Sue: Oh no! Bad Chromakey!

It looks like Douglas had to film some pick-ups back in the studio.

Sue: Either the episode was running short or something went terribly wrong on location. Poor Douglas. Oh well, he’s only human. What he managed to film looked fabulous.

Blake sharpens some branches with a knife.

Sue: They’ll come in handy against the space vampires. Good thinking, Blake.

When night falls, Blake and Jenna take refuge in a tree.

Sue: Blake and Jenna sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Me: Stop it. Just stop it.
Sue: What?
Me: Stop shipping.
Sue: Shipping? What are you talking about?

I tell her what shipping means.

Sue: Is it called shipping because they have sex on spaceships?
Me: Yes, that’s exactly why they call it shipping. Now stop it.

Travis and a Mutoid are also sitting in a tree, but no sexual tension exists between them. Instead, Travis passes the time tormenting his companion, Keyeria.

Sue: (as Travis) Did you know that you were named after an exotic orange flavoured drink from the 20th century?

And then Blake is attacked by a bat. Yes, a bat!

Sue: Oh dear. Douglas was definitely having a bad day. It can happen to anyone, I suppose.

Morning arrives and the second half kicks off.

Sue: Is Blake a vampire now? What are the chances of that? He gets turned into a vampire on a planet with a vampire on it, but the vampire isn’t responsible. That’s just bad luck. And speaking of bad luck, here’s some more bad Chroma. It probably rained. Yeah, that must be it. It looks like it’s been raining. Poor Douglas.

Blake climbs another tree.

Sue: Yes, they are definitely losing light. What a shame. They should put the floodlights on.

The Mutoid abducts Jenna so Travis can use her as bait. The Mutoid wants to snack on their hostage, but Travis won’t allow it.

Sue: She doesn’t get any sexual gratification when she drinks a person’s blood. It’s all done mechanically. That’s a bit shit, isn’t it? I wouldn’t want to be a space vampire. Where’s the fun in that?

Travis tries to draw Blake out.

Sue: Has the actor who plays Travis been in anything else?
Me: Loads of stuff.
Sue: He’s good. I like him a lot. Wouldn’t it be great if Travis had a change of heart and joined Blake’s crew? He’d fit right in.

Travis springs his trap, but the hungry Mutoid makes a right pig’s ear of it and Travis and Blake have to fight to the death. Blake eventually gets the upper hand, but he refuses to kill his arch-nemesis in cold blood.

Sue: That act of kindness will set Blake and Jenna free. It’s a bit obvious, but they did it quite well, I suppose.

Sue’s correct: Sinofar sets Blake free. His encounter with Travis is a score draw.

Sue: Perhaps Blake should drop kick the old woman in the face before he leaves. You know, just to be ‘edgy’. She did try to kill him, after all. And she’s armed with a big stick, too, so he could call it self-defence.

The Liberator breaks orbit.

Sue: I wish we could see the ship go VROOOOOOOOM! You know, like they do on Star Trek. Never mind.

Travis continues his pursuit.

Sue: That’s twice he’s let him live, now. I think Blake has a soft spot for Travie.
Me: STOP IT!

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: Now that was more like it. Why can’t they all be like that? Just let Douglas Camfield direct every episode - it isn’t rocket science. What I really liked about this episode was that you learnt quite a bit about Travis and Blake as characters. It’s a good set-up for the future. It looked great, too, although I’ll have to knock a mark off for the bad Chroma. And even though the script was a bit silly, I really enjoyed it.

9/10

Blog tagline: Eye to eye stand winners and losers… (This spookily appropriate lyric is taken from a Propaganda song. Can you guess which one?)

Glen’s trailer: Glen isn’t in this one at all.

NOTES: A sour mood hung over the house when we watched ‘Duel’. Newcastle United had just sold their best player, and we both suspected that our team’s season was about to head due south as a result; it didn’t, of course - it ended up much worse than that. Twelve months earlier, I wouldn’t have cared less, but Nicol bought me a season ticket for 2013/14 and by Christmas I was hooked, which explains the Yohan Cabaye reference and the footballing vibe in general. Sorry about that.

Dudley Simpson’s incident music sounds remarkably like Tangerine Dream’s seminal 1973 album, Atem. Honest, it does.

Sue recognised the Sisterhood of Karn from ‘The Night of the Doctor’, and not ‘The Brain of Morbius’. Which is annoying.

Comment: Time to mention the elephant in the room: this is Star Trek’s ‘Arena’ but with Travis playing the Gorn. – Sean Alexander

A9: Project Avalon

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Michael E. Briant
Broadcast: 27 February 1978
Blogged: 31 January 2014

Sue: Did Douglas Camfield direct this episode?
Me: Wait and see.

I challenge Sue to name the actress who’s playing this week’s featured Mutoid.

Sue: I have no idea, but I do know that Douglas didn’t direct this episode. I can just tell.

Her second challenge is to not only recognise this episode’s location – Wookey Hole – but to remember which Doctor Who story was filmed here also. She fails hopelessly on both counts.

Sue: I haven’t got a fucking clue. Was it a Tom Baker?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Something of the Daleks.
Me: Is that your final answer?
Sue: Something of the Cybermen.
Me: That’ll do.

Travis hopes to trap Blake in some frozen caves, using a woman named Avalon as bait.

Sue: Snow goggles are wasted on Travis. He should wear a snow monocle instead.

Back on the Liberator, Cally is busy tracking Avalon’s signal.

Sue: Cheer up, Cally - it may never happen. They always look so bloody miserable on this ship. Are they trying to out-frown each other?

Avon realises they have arrived when the northern hemisphere of the planet is entering its winter cycle - a cycle that lasts for eight and a half years.

Sue: It’s just like -
Me: Game of Thrones, but with less incest. Yes, we know.
Sue: Hey, this is Blake’s 7, there’s probably more incest.

A resistance group has gathered in the caves. Travis, flanked by four Mutoids, decides to make his presence felt.

Sue: (singing) ‘Your lights are on, but you’re not home…’

Travis demands to know which one of them is Avalon, and he rams a gun in a man’s face to prove he means business.

Me: Look, Sue, it’s Stuart Fell.
Sue: So it is. He’s dead, then. Spectacularly, I bet.

Once again, Stuart doesn’t disappoint.

Sue: Ouch! That must have hurt. I’ll give him a 9.8 for that.

Avalon is taken away and the Mutoids massacre the rest.

Sue: We’ve seen this before, with the same shit guns. I wish Douglas had directed this. It’s very bleak, though.

The featured Mutoid of the week still doesn’t ring any bells.

Me: Do you recognise her yet?
Sue: Has she been in EastEnders?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Is she the woman who gave a blowjob in a car?
Me: Not as far as I know.
Sue: Does she ever take her hat off?
Me: No.
Sue: Then I give up. Who is she?
Me: She’s Makepeace from Dempsey and Makepeace, otherwise known as Glenda Mitchell, or Glynis Barber to her friends.
Sue: You have to start somewhere, I guess. I bet she doesn’t like to talk about this, though.

Blake and Jenna prepare to teleport to the planet. The surface temperature is minus 180 degrees, so Vila suggests they wrap up warm.

Sue: That’s the understatement of the century. I’m sure you can’t survive in temperatures like that, especially in a parka from Millets.
Me: It isn’t Fahrenheit or Celsius – it’s minus-180 Terrys. That means it’s a bit chilly.

Avalon has been stripped naked and strapped to a table.

Sue: Don’t tell me: you remember watching this when you were 9 years old. It explains a lot, actually. Either they’re interrogating her, or they’re about to give her one hell of a tan.

Blake and Jenna join forces with Chevner, the lone survivor of the massacre. Chevner warns them that they will have to override the Federation’s security systems if they want to rescue Avalon, so Blake orders Vila down to the surface. Vila says he has a weak chest; Avon suggests that the rest of him isn’t that impressive, either.

Sue: I half expected Avon to belt Vila across the chest with a handbag when he said that.

Vila is dispatched to the planet, but not before he makes a big song and dance about it.

Sue: That was quite funny. At least the programme admits that Vila is an irritating dick.

Avon and Cally exchange a meaningful look before laughing their heads off.

Sue: They’re definitely shagging. All they have to do now is put Gan to bed and they’ve got the place to themselves.
Me: Just open a Live Journal account and be done with it, Sue.

And then Servalan arrives to give Travis his annual appraisal.

Sue: How many space minks died to make her coat, do you think?

Servalan is feeling the pressure. There have been two attempts on her life already, and she holds Blake personally responsible for both of them.

Sue: Have we missed a couple of episodes?

Blake’s exploits are exciting people across half the galaxy.

Sue: Which exploits are these, then? Are you sure we haven’t missed an episode, Neil? They can’t be talking about the one with the alien catheter cock monster, surely to God.

Servalan chastises Travis for not doing his job properly.

Sue: And I bet they’re at it as well.
Me: Why not! Everybody else is! Look, can you watch an episode of Blake’s 7 without imagining all the lead characters having sex with each other, just for five minutes?
Sue: It’s not my fault. Look at them! Tell me they haven’t done it, Neil.

Servalan tells Travis that the Federation’s labs have just the thing he needs to quell Blake’s resistance.

Sue: Have the Federation been cooking up some space meth or something?

A prisoner is taken to a secured booth, and then a glowing ball is placed on a conveyor belt that rolls the object into the booth and across a small table.

Sue: This is the worst episode of The Generation Game ever. ‘Sparkly ball… Sparkly ball… Sparkly ball. Didn’t he do well!’

The ball is smashed to pieces and the hapless guinea pig turns to mush.

Sue: Whatever it is, it’s completely painless. He didn’t even flinch. Which made it a lot easier for the vision mixer, I guess.

When the process is finally over, all that remains of the poor bastard is his skeleton. Travis is over the moon.

Sue: He’s Chemical Travie.

The planet’s ice tunnels are by patrolled by a security robot and Blake’s gang are forced to take cover.

Sue: Watch out, it’s Dusty Bin again. Its head can spin round and yet its peripheral vision still manages to be shit. How is that even possible? How can it not see four terrorists hugging that wall? That’s ridiculous.

Vila opens the hatchway that leads to the detention centre.

Sue: Vila should get himself a nice shoulder bag. That cooler box is a nightmare. There he goes – clunk-clunk-bang-bang-clunk – like a baby elephant.

Chevner leads Blake inside the detention centre.

Sue: Wasn’t this guy in Crossroads?
Me: No, it’s not Ronald Allen, although I can see where you’re coming from. It’s David Bailie.
Sue: The photographer?
Me: No. Although he does work as a professional photographer nowadays, which is very confusing, especially as Big Finish keep pestering David Bailey to cameo in one of their audio plays.

Chevner searches a database for Avalon’s cell number.

Sue: Just free all the prisoners! Open all the doors and free them all – it’s the right thing to do!

But Blake only has eyes for Avalon.

Sue: It’s quite exciting, this.
Me: Does it remind you of anything else?
Sue: Star Trek. They all remind me of Star Trek.
Me: Not Star Wars?
Sue: Oh yeah. I see what you mean. It is very similar. So which one is Chewbacca? Because Vila is definitely C-3PO.

Blake frees Avalon from her cell.

Me: Aren’t you a little short for a Blake?

Blake blasts his way out of the detention centre.

Sue: I still think Douglas would have done it better, but that wasn’t bad at all.

The Liberator - which has been on an evasive detour – returns for Blake. Gan crosses the flight deck to switch the ship’s communications channel on.

Sue: Finally, Gan did something useful. Things must be serious.

Blake’s gang are once again confronted by the Federation’s security robot.

Sue: There are five of you! Shoot the bloody thing!

They teleport to safety before the robot can attack.

Sue: Oh my God, it’s actually peeing fire.

The Liberator hightails it out of there.

Sue: Servalan will have Travis’s balls on a plate for that. What a fuck up, right in the middle of his annual appraisal as well.

Blake suspects that their escape was much too easy. And the Federation’s new weapons don’t feel right, either.

Sue: It’s a mastic gun. I’ve got one of those in the shed.

Avon examines the weapon. It can bruise or stun a person but it can’t sustain any serious injuries.

Sue: It’s great for sealing windows, though.

Avalon has changed into something more comfortable.

Sue: It looks like Christmas has come early for Gan. And it proves once and for all that the Liberator does come equipped with pyjamas, after all.

Avalon tells Gan that Chevner attacked her.

Sue: She’s the baddie! It’s definitely her! Come on, Gan, it’s a Terry Nation script so it has to be her. The Federation have brainwashed her. It’s obvious.

Avalon prepares to launch a chemical attack on the crew, and it takes the combined might of Gan, Jenna, Blake and Vila to restrain her.

Sue: Avon would have put his fist through her face.

If he had, he would have broken his fist, because this Avalon is actually a robot duplicate.

Sue: That’s a clever effect for its time. I can just about buy it.

Even though she’s a telepath, Cally never suspected a thing.

Sue: What is the point of Cally again? I’ve completely forgotten.

Blake asks Avon to reprogram the robot, and then he teleports back to the planet and demands to speak with Travis.

Sue: The look on Travis’s face is priceless, here. I almost feel sorry for him.

Servalan and Blake face each other for the first time.

Sue: Do you think Servalan secretly fancies Blake?
Me: ARGHHHHHHH!

Blake instructs the robot to open its thumb and forefinger – just enough to grip a ball.

Sue: This isn’t the first time that Avon has programmed a robot to do that. I’m saying nothing…

Blake teleports to safety, leaving his enemies to face a robot that has been programmed to drop a bollock.

Sue: If Blake were a real terrorist, he would have programmed the robot to drop that ball as soon as he left.

Travis strides towards the robot and the ball is suddenly dropped.

Sue: Or maybe he did. Or maybe Travis set it off. We’ll never know for sure, but this only works if Blake planned to murder the entire room, so I’m going with that.

Travis promises to destroy Blake, even if it’s the last thing he does.

Sue: They have to stop ending episodes like this. It’s silly.
Me: I’ll get you, Blakey!

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was pretty good. Some of it was very exciting. I think Blake’s 7 has finally found its groove. When Servalan and Travis are around it feels like we’re actually going somewhere. It’s all that mucking about on mysterious spaceships and shitty planets for no apparent reason that I don’t get. This is what I thought Blake’s 7 would be like. It’s only taken them nine episodes to get there.

7/10

Blog tagline: The Federation Strikes Back… (Because, well, you know, it starts on an ice planet and… Oh, never mind.)

Glen’s trailer: Glen wants Paul Darrow to do it again.

Comment: Is Avalon the world’s least inspiring resistance leader? She’d be hard pressed to get the neighbourhood watch to write a letter to the council about the street lights, let alone fearlessly leading a revolution against a massive faceless empire. Whinge, whinge, whinge, where’s my cloak? I must have my cloak! - Mike

A10: Breakdown

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 6 March 1978
Blogged: 7 February 2014

Sue: How many Terry Nation episodes is it now?
Me: This is Terry’s tenth script in a row.
Sue: I’ll be the one having a breakdown if this goes on much longer.

The Liberator is cruising through space.

Sue: Ooh, they’re pushing the boat out with a half-decent model this week. That’s nice.

Gan is behaving very strangely indeed.

Sue: Is he having a stroke?
Me: The bells! The bells!
Sue: The chip in his head must have shorted out. See, I have been paying attention to this nonsense.

A crazed Gan attacks Jenna.

Sue: This is you when our broadband stops working, only you beat up the router.

Blake is the next victim of Gan’s violent assault.

Sue: Gan looks like a really mean Elvis when he curls his lip like that. Nice handheld camera work, though. We’re right in the middle of the action. I like it.

Blake’s crew subdues the giant oaf with some tranquillisers.

Sue: It’s too late for nicotine patches, now.

Gan is in a bad way.

Sue: Aww, poor Gan. Unless this is what he’s like when he doesn’t have that thing in his head, in which case I hope Gan dies.

Gan is taken to the Liberator‘s medical unit.

Sue: Why is this part of the ship on film?
Me: I’m not sure. I think it’s something to do with them having to use up their filming allocation every episode so they didn’t lose it.
Sue: Typical BBC bureaucracy. At least they’ve cleaned it up a bit. They could release this on Blu Ray. Well, this scene anyway.

Cally tends to Gan.

Sue: I had a curly perm like Cally’s. They were all the rage back then. She could do with some product in it, though. It’s a bit flat. I don’t know what it is about Cally but she reminds me of a miserable, anorexic Jamie Lee Curtis.

Avon chastises Blake for suggesting that Zen could give them a quick tutorial in brain surgery.

Sue: Avon is so cool. He says every line as if it’s his last. I still can’t believe that Paul Darrow said my name on a podcast. That was even better than that time I spoke to Tom Baker on QVC. I’d love to meet Paul Darrow in real life. I bet he’d be a right laugh.

The ship’s medical computer delivers its diagnosis.

Sue: Is the medical computer one of the crew now, like Zen? Is that seven now?
Me: Don’t be ridiculous.

Sue comes up with the perfect solution to Gan’s current predicament:

Sue: Just turn him off and back on again.
Me: Turning Gan on is the last thing you want to do. Trust me.

Gan repeatedly clenches his fists.

Sue: Was Gan a dairy farmer in a previous life? Is he dreaming that he’s milking a cow?

Blake and Avon search for the nearest space hospital that specialises in space medicine for space diseases. In space.

Sue: It must have taken them ages to set up that Perspex map. They must have wasted hours getting it to stand up properly. No wonder Gan is almost dead.

Avon suggests that they head for a secret space laboratory called XK-72, even though it’s situated on the far side of prohibited space. Blake tells Zen to set a course for it, speed Standard by Six.

Sue: Make it Speed Standard by Seven! It’s a lot quicker and your friend is dying. Or are you worried about getting caught for speeding. Get a bloody move on!

The Liberator alters its course.

Sue: If that’s speed Standard by Six, I’d hate to see Standard by One. They could walk there quicker. Look at it! It’s pathetic! Why doesn’t the ship go ‘WHOOSH!’ when it flies past the camera? Come on!

As soon as the Liberator enters the prohibited zone, Zen stops working. The scanners show nothing. Absolutely nothing. Vila doesn’t understand why nothing frightens him so much.

Sue: Because you’re a dick?
Me: Still no love for Vila, I see.
Sue: He’s growing on me. The problem with Vila is that he isn’t a real character. He’s a joke - a walking comedy cliché. I need to see another side to him before I can take him seriously.

Avon suddenly realises that they’ve made a grave error of judgement – the computer control is part of the ship’s basic design concept!

Sue: Could we have that in English, please?
Me: I think it means they’re too stupid to fly the ship without Zen’s help.
Sue: Now that I believe.

With that worked out, the Liberator tears through space again.

Sue: One minute it’s a nice model, and now it’s a cartoon. One minute we’re on video, and now we’re on film. There’s no consistency to Blake’s 7. It’s all over the place.

Back in the medical unit, Gan is beginning to stir.

Sue: Do I have to look at Gan’s sex face? It’s putting me off my tea.
Me: If I ever form a band, remind me to call it Gan’s Sex Face.

Avon attempts to bypass Zen’s auxiliary computer systems. When Blake asks for a progress report, Avon says he can talk or work, but he can’t do both at the same time.

Sue: Typical bloke. Get one of the women to do it!

Jenna reduces their speed to Standard by Three.

Sue: That’s about three miles per hour, give or take.
Me: Or 80 billion spatials a second.
Sue: Terry fucking Nation!

Gan launches into his world-famous impression of a pig, which miraculously ceases when Cally returns to the medical unit to check up on him.

Sue: He’s acting like she’s just caught him masturbating.

Sue doesn’t trust Gan any more.

Sue: He can’t be that ill if he can control his urges like that. He’s just a raving sex pest at the end of the day.

With an evil grin spreading across his sweaty face, Gan strangles the life out of Cally.

Sue: That was horrible! Now I understand why we don’t have a cat called Gan. It’s the same reason we don’t have a cat called Peter Sutcliffe.

Gan’s next victim is Avon.

Sue: Blake’s crew is bloody useless, especially when you consider what they’re trying to do. Which, incidentally, is what I want to see instead of this bullshit. I want to see Blake clearing his name, and maybe blowing some stuff up. This is just filler.

Jenna is worried about a nearby gravitational vortex.

Sue: The hand-on-hip acting is off the scale in this episode.

Even Avon has had enough. Staying with Blake requires a degree of stupidity that he no longer feels capable of. Blake thinks he’s being modest.

Sue: That was fucking brilliant. Who needs Travis as your archenemy when you’ve got Avon as your friend?

The Liberator enters the gravitational vortex. Their speed rises to Standard by Twelve.

Sue: Standard by Twelve! Fuck me! I didn’t know the ship could go that fast! Why have they been pissing about with Standard by Seven all this time? Put your bloody foot down!

A sheet of Mirrorlon, which, I’m surprised to learn, Sue has never encountered in real life before, attacks the crew.

Me: You work in television studio production and you’ve never wobbled a sheet of Mirrorlon at anyone before? Wow.
Sue: Neil, it’s the 21st century. Things have moved on quite a bit since Blake’s-fucking-7. And besides, a sheet of tin foil is a lot cheaper.

When the Liberator arrives at XK-72, Blake tries to pass himself off as a Federation captain.

Sue: Whatever you do, don’t tell them that you’re a convicted child molester. That never goes down well.

Jenna has definitely dressed for the occasion.

Sue: Jenna is hitting the space disco as soon as they dock. I hope for her sake she’s wearing sensible shoes.

And then, thirty minutes into the episode, Julian Glover turns up.

Me: Who’s that, Sue?
Sue: I have no idea – he’s got his back to me. Wait – oh yes! It’s him! He’s been in loads of things, including Doctor Who. He’s very good.

I remind her that he likes to get his testicles out on Game of Thrones. She nods sagely.

Sue: He’s very cutting. Can you imagine Avon and this guy living together? Actually, I’d pay good money to see that.

Before he teleports to XK-72, Avon suddenly asks Vila why he stays with Blake.

Sue: Is Avon planning a mutiny? Is he sounding out the crew before he decides to stay or go? The crafty sod.

Blake escorts Kayn to the medical unit, which is on video instead of film.

Sue: Make your mind up, for fuck’s sake!

Kayn examines Gan with the sort of disdain my doctor reserves for complaints about my irritable bowel syndrome. He begins by demanding to know why Gan has a limiter implanted in his head.

Sue: (as Blake) Well, in a nutshell, our ship is full of convicted sex pests and murderers. It’s very embarrassing, but what can you do?

Avon tells Vila that he won’t be coming back to the Liberator.

Sue: He’s going disco dancing with Jenna instead. The pair of them are going to get trolleyed.

Avon meets with XK-72′s administrator, Farren.

Sue: (as Avon) We’re Blake’s 7 and we’re a bunch of fuckwits. Is it OK if I stay with you instead? You wouldn’t believe some of the idiotic shit we get up to.

When Kayn contacts the nearest Federation base to ask for assistance, three Federation pursuit ships respond to his call.

Sue: Is it Travis? It’s about bloody time.

Farren asks Avon to move in with him.

Sue: They’ve only just met! He doesn’t waste any time.

Kayn decides to delay Gan’s life-saving operation. He even places his feet on the operating table, which elicits an exceptionally loud tut from Sue.

Sue: The NHS has really gone downhill under the Federation. Blake needs to sort that out. He should put that on his list of things to do.

Vila decides to hurry things along by waving a gun in Kayn’s face.

Sue: Finally! Vila actually did something heroic. That’s exactly what I was talking about; Vila is human, after all.

The Liberator can’t move while the professor operates, even though the Federation are only a few minutes away.

Sue: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but this is vaguely exciting.

Blake threatens to damage Kayn’s hands if he refuses to cooperate with them.

Sue: Blake is a very polite terrorist, but he’s still a terrorist.

Another doctor named Renor is much more accommodating.

Sue: They should take this guy with them when they leave. They need a doctor. You can’t fly around space, getting into battles, without a doctor. That would be insane.

Kayn finally agrees to operate on Gan.

Sue: There’s no sense of urgency. I’ve seen Man United take injury time corners quicker than this. And does this mean that Gan is out of warranty now?
Me: It’s the second time he’s been jailbroken this series.

The operation is a success and Blake escorts Kayn off his ship. When Blake asks if there’s any way he can thank him, Kayn says he could try getting caught.

Sue: I bet Avon wishes he’d said that. No wonder he can’t wait to get shot of him. There’s only enough room for one sarky bastard on this ship.

Kayn teleports back to XK-72.

Me: Another bracelet gone. They’re practically giving them away.

Kayn isn’t happy with this turn of events, and he takes his anger out on Farren, effectively bludgeoning him to death in a fit of pique.

Sue: That was a bit random. However, I suppose it’s difficult for a character to make any sense when he’s on screen for less than ten minutes.

XK-72 is accidentally blown to smithereens by the pursuit ships.

Sue: What a waste. They were a week away from finding a cure for space cancer.

The Federation ships turn towards the Liberator. Avon tells Zen to increase their speed to Standard by Eight.

Sue: No! Standard by Twelve, you idiot! Standard by Twelve!

Thankfully, Gan’s back to his usual self again and all’s well that ends well. In fact, things are so wonderful, the episode concludes with the crew guffawing with laughter.

Sue: How is that even remotely funny? Neil? Neil?
Me: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Sorry, what was that?

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was rubbish, but on some strange level, I enjoyed it. Isn’t that weird? It’s all down to the performances, because the plot was utter shite. Yet more faffing about when they should be blowing up the Federation and saving the world and stuff like that. And Gan gives me the creeps. I wouldn’t want to beam down to an alien planet with him on my own, that’s for sure.

4/10

BLOG TAGLINE: Emergency Ward XK-42…

Glen’s trailer: ‘You do know you’re not really Avon. You’re an actor called Paul Darrow.’

Comment: I believe this was the first episode of Blake’s 7 I saw. Remarkably, I still enjoy the series. – Mendou

A11: Bounty

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Pennant Roberts
Broadcast: 13 March 1978
Blogged: 11 February 2014

Cally is evading Federation troops in a rattlesnake-infested forest. Or maybe it’s Dudley (the composer, not the county).

Sue: The Federation are in this one. Good. Blake might get to blow something up.

Blake approaches Cally’s location, his trusty red picnic box by his side. Cally uses her telepathy to warn him about some patrolling guards. Blake thanks her for her help; he’d forgotten just how useful telepathy can be.

Sue: Don’t worry. So had Terry Nation.

A vintage car is speeding down a country lane.

Sue: Is that Bessie? Has Blake’s 7 borrowed Bessie and given her a paint job? They can’t do that, can they?
Me: You said Blake’s 7 and Doctor Who should pool their resources. Well, here you go.
Sue: At least Jon Pertwee isn’t the one driving. In fact, it looks like this lot are on their way to a sci-fi convention dressed as the third Doctor, Jo Grant, and some extra from Blake’s 7.

She’s wrong. It’s President Sarkoff.

Sue: Is he the president of a motoring club?

Blake and Cally decide to follow that car.

Sue: That bloody cooler box again. Do they have to keep their bracelets below room temperature or something?

Federation troops are on high alert. Sue thinks the Perspex on their helmets should turn a subtle shade of red to reflect this fact, and she’s disappointed when they don’t.

Sue: At least we’re back on Earth again. I expected them to make a big deal out of that, but Blake has simply waltzed straight back home.
Me: This isn’t Earth. At least I don’t think it is.
Sue: But there’s an antique car, a medieval castle and… well it looks like England on a miserable wet afternoon in November.
Me: It’s definitely an alien planet. They just confirmed it.
Sue: Couldn’t they tint the sky a bit, or paint in an extra moon or something?

President Sarkoff is played by the one and only TP McKenna.

Sue: He’s famous.
Me: If you can tell me his name, I’ll give you a foot rub.
Sue: Julian Assange.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator…

Sue: What the hell is Avon wearing? Oh no, this won’t do at all. There’s a massive silver arrow pointing at his cock.

At least Avon has made an effort.

Sue: I’m sure Gan hasn’t changed his clothes since we started this. I bet he stinks. And I bet everyone is too afraid to tell him that he stinks, just in case he goes mental and tries to kill everybody again.

An unidentified ship is heading towards the Liberator. Avon suggests that they should prepare to evade it if it turns out to be hostile.

Sue: I’m sorry, but I can’t take Avon seriously when he’s dressed like that. He looks like he should be hanging off a trapeze.

The unidentified ship is broadcasting a distress signal and Gan volunteers to investigate. If it turns out to be a trap, the crew have his permission to blow him to pieces.

Sue: Gan’s head needs seeing to again. It’s becoming a theme.

Back on the planet, Blake retrieves some rope from his cooler box. There’s no room left in the box for anything else, which makes Sue roar with laugher.

Sue: Un-fucking-believable.

When Gan teleports to the mysterious ship, Avon tells Vila to prepare to fire on it, just in case.

Sue: Seriously, though. What the hell is Avon wearing?

Gan assures his friends that everything is just fine.

Sue: That isn’t Gan. He’s even more wooden than usual.

Sue isn’t impressed with Sarkoff’s castle, either.

Sue: Dear oh dear, what kind of restoration job is that? You can’t paint castles silver! Kevin McCloud would go mental if he saw that. What happened to the original brickwork? I’m appalled.
Me: It’s a space castle. Space castles are supposed to be silver.

President Sarkoff owns an impressive collection of vinyl records.

Sue: It’s all gone a bit weird now.

It doesn’t stop her from singing along to Tommy Steele, though.

Sue: They should have played something a bit more contemporary.
Me: Like what?
Sue: Some disco.

Sarkoff owns the finest private collection of 20th Century Earth objects anywhere in the galaxy.

Sue: It’s basically Kiwi Alan’s second-hand shop, but silver. I’ve told him to keep an eye out for any missing Doctor Who episodes, by the way. No news yet, but I’ll keep you informed.

Now that he’s taken his hat off, Sarkoff finally reminds Sue of somebody else.

Sue: It’s Liberace.
Me: He’s a wonderful actor and it’s tragic that you can’t tell me his name.
Sue: He’s very good. He’s far too good for this nonsense.

Cally climbs the castle wall.

Sue: The wooden panelling on the windows is driving me mad. It looks so cheap. I’m surprised they got planning permission.

Federation troops saunter past Cally without a backwards glance.

Sue: The Federation is completely hopeless. The only reason this one knows what’s going on is because he’s the only one with enough common sense to raise his helmet over his head.

Blake wants to take the exiled president back to his people, so he can unite them in their battle against the Federation.

Sue: This happened a lot in the 1970s: exiled revolutionaries hanging around foreign countries, biding their time. This is Terry Nation trying to be topical, I bet.

Sarkoff’s assistant, Tyce, doesn’t have any time for the president’s self-pity, and she chastises him for hiding away like a coward on an empty, nameless planet.

Sue: Terry couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a name for this place. That’s how spent he is.

Blake convinces Sarkoff to leave his self-imposed exile behind. He even tells him about the cipher machine that he stole from Centero.

Me: See, there is a story arc, Sue. Terry knows what he’s doing.
Sue: How much have you had to drink, Neil?

It’s obvious that Tyce has a soft spot for Sarkoff.

Sue: Is he her sugar daddy? Because their relationship is a bit weird if you ask me. Is it just the two of them stuck in this castle? No wonder he doesn’t want to leave.

It’s a moot point anyway, because the Liberator won’t respond to Blake’s calls.

Sue: They’re off having a much better adventure than he is. It wouldn’t be that difficult.

Sarkoff is left to contemplate his fate.

Sue: His taste in music isn’t very inspiring. He should put some Donna Summer on instead. And I’m sick of this guy moaning all the time. I’m the one who should be feeling sorry for myself. I’m the one who has to watch this rubbish.

Sarkoff doesn’t want Tyce to leave him.

Sue: They are definitely shagging. On his antique electric blanket, surrounded by his antique teddy bears and his antique Goblin Teasmaid.
Me: Don’t forget his antique cock. (Not a typo.)

Sarkoff really doesn’t want to leave. We know this for a fact because HE KEEPS TELLING US!

Sue: He can’t bear to part with his collection of glass ashtrays. If they still had that cooler box with them, they could save a couple of carriage clocks at the very least.

Blake snaps Sarkoff’s priceless Donna Summer 12-inch in half, and then he threatens to destroy Sarkoff’s precious butterfly collection as well.

Sue: Don’t worry. Blake wouldn’t hurt a fly, even if it was dead already.

Sarkoff finally decides that enough is enough and he agrees to leave. It’s only taken Blake twenty-five minutes to convince him.

Sue: I don’t get it. If he loved those butterflies so much, why didn’t he take them with him? It’s not as if they need feeding.

Tyce cranks Bessie into life.

Sue: This is fucking weird. Doctor Who could get away with this kind of madness, but in Blake’s 7 it sticks out like a sore thumb. I keep expecting an Auton to jump out of the bushes.

Bessie races away from the castle.

Me: Put your helmet on! We’ll be reaching speeds of three!

Blake begs the Liberator to teleport them to safety, but nobody’s home. However, as the car approaches a Federation checkpoint, the teleport suddenly kicks into life and then Bessie explodes. Honest.

Sue: I can’t believe they crashed the car with a sound effect. Is that because they weren’t allowed to blow Bessie up for real? That’s a shame. I would have enjoyed that.

When Blake and his new friends return to the Liberator, they discover that is has been deserted.

Sue: So who let them on board, then?
Me: God knows. I’m drunk.

Zen refuses to tell Blake where the crew are hiding unless he specifies the question more precisely.

Sue: Zen is such a dick. I don’t know why they put up with him. I bet he runs on Windows.

Blake finds Jenna in the teleport area, but she has some devastating news for him: his crew have been killed.

Sue: Eh? What? No!

But it’s just a ruse, and it isn’t long before a mysterious figure gases Blake into unconsciousness.

Sue: Is Avon doing that to Blake? Is this the mutiny he’s been planning all this time? Is he finally going ahead with it? At least he had the decency to change his clothes first.

But it isn’t Avon, because Avon has been taken prisoner as well. And not only that – Jenna is now working for the enemy!

Sue: Why didn’t we watch that episode instead? They’ve been up to all sorts of exciting stuff while we had to watch an old man DJ-ing for half an hour.

The crew have been seized by the Amagons. Or, as Sue so eloquently puts it:

Sue: Space Sheiks.

Their leader, Tarvin, is flirting with his new ally, Jenna.

Sue: Could there be less sexual chemistry between these two? What’s this episode called again?
Me: ‘Bounty’.
Sue: They should have called it ‘Turkish Delight’.

Tarvin is an old-fashioned, money-grabbing misogynist.

Sue: No, this isn’t racist at all. Absolutely not.

Zen tells Tarvin that Federation ships are now within scanner range.

Sue: Zen gives more information to the bad guys than he ever does for Blake. Whose side is he on?

Jenna finally shows her true colours when she overpowers an Amagon. Sue is neither surprised nor impressed.

Sue: It’s as if two pantomimes have accidentally double-booked the same stage, and the casts of Robin Hood and Aladdin have to fight it out to see who gets to put on their show. It’s insane.

Meanwhile, Vila is trying – and failing – to extricate the crew from the explosive collars that have been placed around their necks. But even when he’s staring certain death in the face, Avon still finds time to put Vila down.

Sue: Avon makes even the stupidest episode seem worthwhile.

Jenna, meanwhile, is busy overpowering her second Amagon of the day.

Sue: Right in the space nuts. Nice.

Gan wants to rip Tarvin’s head off.

Sue: Can Gan murder people again? You know, since his operation? I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. But I wouldn’t leave my bedroom door unlocked if I were Jenna, that’s for sure.

Blake and his crew escape from their prison by throwing a disabled collar at an Amagon. An explosion of bright twinkly stars kills him instantly.

Sue: If you rub that collar really hard, you get three wishes.

Jenna takes down her third Amagon. Sue lets out a half-hearted cheer as she checks her watch. Meanwhile, back on the flight deck, Tarvin is threatening to blow Tyce’s head off. Tyce begs her father to shoot the swine anyway.

Sue: EH? WHAT? So now they tell us she’s his daughter. Why did they take so long over it? Why make it look like they were involved in a sordid sex thing? Fucking hell, Terry!
Me: And that’s why you should never ship, Sue. I did try to warn you.

Sarkoff shoots the nasty, greedy, selfish, sexist space Arab in the nuts, and all’s well that ends well.

Sue: Nope. Not even remotely racist.

The episode concludes with Sarkoff and Tyce teleporting back to their home planet Lindor, which Terry named after a chocolate bar he was eating when he wrote this.

Sue: Two more bracelets they’ll never see again.
Me: He’s ousted two days later for committing incest, and the whole planet is plunged into chaos.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was a bit weird, and not in a good way. At least it had something to do with the Federation, so it gets a few marks for that, but it didn’t do anything for me. It wasn’t serious or exciting enough for me to care about anyone, and the panto villains turned the whole thing into an uncomfortable farce at the end. And I hate it when Avon disappears for twenty minutes like that. It’s crazy.

3/10

BLOG TAGLINE: I Feel Love…

Glen’s trailer: ‘Is it just me or are these a lot slower than I remember?’

NOTES: I was very drunk when we watched this episode. Never again. Deciphering my notes the next morning was a nightmare.

Kiwi Alan is yet to find any missing episodes of Doctor Who.

Some people were puzzled when Sue thought this episode was a bit racist. Are those people racist themselves? I wouldn’t like to say.

I turned Sue’s throwaway comment about Sarkoff’s appreciation for Donna Summer into a silly YouTube video. If they still haven’t taken it down yet, you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/neilperryman

Comment: I looked up the actress who played Tyce to see if she went on to play Sylvia in Hi-de-Hi! (She didn’t.) – Richard Lyth

A12: Deliverance

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Michael E. Briant
Broadcast: 20 March 1978
Blogged: 14 February 2014

This episode’s title is an immediate cause for concern.

Sue: I hope no one gets raped.
Me: I hope Dudley Simpson knows how to play the banjo.

A spaceship is heading for the planet Cephlon.

Sue: We’ve definitely seen that spaceship before. Am I supposed to remember that? Ooh, that was a nice camera move into the cockpit. That was very ambitious.

Meanwhile, on a space station somewhere else.

Sue: And this is Servalan’s space station. Do I get a prize for knowing that?

Servalan is eight minutes behind schedule, but she couldn’t care less.

Sue: Shouldn’t the stars in that window be moving if this space station is revolving? How hard would it be to set up a roller with some stars on it? Come on - pull your bloody finger out!

Sue gets her first good look at the spaceship’s pilot, Ensor Junior.

Sue: Oh yes, he was in EastEnders. It’s Fat Pat’s husband, Ray.
Me: Roy, actually. Tony Caunter to his friends.
Sue: His co-pilot looks like Prince Joffrey. I’d better keep an eye on him, just in case.

Their ship is caught in Cephlon’s gravity well and Ensor struggles to maintain control.

Sue: The director is really trying, here. There’s a sense of urgency that’s been missing from some of the other episodes. It isn’t Douglas Camfield, but it’s close.

Just when Ensor believes that the worst is over, an explosion tears through his ship.

Sue: Aww, they went through all that rigmarole for nothing. Exciting, though.

The Liberator‘s crew witness this catastrophe first-hand.

Sue: Avon has changed back into some sensible clothes again, thank God. I thought he’d gone permanently insane.

Two escape capsules are jettisoned from the stricken ship.

Sue: Did Samsonite make those capsules? Does the company diversify into that sort of thing in the future?

Servalan is extremely pleased with herself when she’s told about Ensor’s ‘accident’.

Sue: She’s gorgeous. I bet Servalan had a huge gay and lesbian following.
Me: Straight men fancied her too, you know.

Avon prepares to teleport to Cephlon.

Sue: It’s oven-ready Avon. But at least he’s getting involved in the action for a change, so I shouldn’t complain. I bet Avon had a big gay following as well.
Me: Yes, and straight men fancied him too.

I think I’ve said too much.

Avon, Gan, Jenna and Vila teleport to Cephlon.

Sue: Just imagine how slow Blake’s 7 would be if they couldn’t teleport anywhere. Actually, that doesn’t bear thinking about. It’s not exactly racing along as it is.

When Sue spots one of the planet’s hirsute natives, she pulls out her virtual banjo.

Sue: Dinga-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

A Federation space surgeon named Maryatt didn’t survive the journey, but Ensor did. Just about.

Sue: Why don’t they just teleport the capsule back to the Liberator?
Me: Because you can’t wrap a bracelet around a capsule that size.
Sue: But what if they daisy-chained lots of bracelets together? Would that work?
Me: It’s a nice idea, but they’ve only got four bracelets left.

This week’s alien planet is covered in a light dusting of snow.

Sue: Do they ever go anywhere sunny in Blake’s 7? It’s a very cold universe so far.
Me: That’s probably a metaphor for something. Or they filmed this in the middle of winter. You decide.

The planet’s natives appear to be restless.

Sue: They’d better not make Avon squeal like a pig, that’s all I’m saying.

Jenna retrieves Maryatt’s ID from the wreckage.

Sue: I like Jenna, but she’s a very boring character. She never seems to do anything, even when she’s actually doing stuff, she doesn’t really do anything. Does that make sense? She’s just there. Terry can’t write for women. Actually, he can’t write for men either, but you know what I mean.

Speaking of women who have nothing to do, Cally is chilling out on the Liberator with her Space Walkman.

Sue: Cally’s listening to Big Band Swing. There’s hope for her yet.

Avon, Gan and Vila teleport an injured Ensor back to the Liberator. It takes them a while to notice that they’ve left Jenna behind.

Sue: That’s the second time they’ve done that. How can they fail to notice that one of the seven is missing? I know that Jenna is a kitten fart in a parka, but that is ridiculous. It’s like that time you stranded those students in Whitby because you couldn’t count them back onto a bus. It’s very unprofessional at the end of the day.

The natives have knocked poor Jenna out.

Sue: Why are the Neanderthals searching her pockets? What are they looking for? Extra-strong mints? Her credit card? What?

Back on the Liberator, Cally and Blake examine Maryatt’s ID. He was a Space Surgeon in the Federation Medical Corps with double-A security clearance.

Sue: If he’s working for the Federation, they should leave him to die.
Me: That’s a bit harsh.
Sue: There’s a war on. Blake needs to toughen up.

Ensor starts rambling incoherently about a deal he’s made with the Federation. They’ve agreed to pay one hundred million credits for something - or someone - called Orac.

Sue: I know that Orac is the last of the seven because you named a hedgehog after him, so this is quite exciting, now.
Me: What are you expecting Orac to be like?
Sue: I think Orac will be the galaxy’s greatest bounty hunter, and the Federation will hire him to kill Blake, because Travis isn’t up to the job, and it’s going to cost them a fortune. But Orac will betray them and then he’ll join Blake’s crew. There, that’s what I think will happen. What do I win if I’m right?

Avon, Gan and Avon teleport to Cephlon to search for Jenna.

Me: Oh, that reminds me: Jenna is pregnant.
Sue: Oh no. What’s Gan done now?
Me: No, our cat is pregnant. Nicol’s been doing some research and Jenna is showing all the signs.
Sue: That means Blake is the father. That doesn’t feel right.

Meanwhile, back in Blake’s 7, Ensor has recovered enough strength to take Cally hostage.

Sue: You ungrateful sod. After everything she’s done for you. I knew they should have left him to die. The IRA would have kneecapped him by now.

Ensor instructs Blake to break orbit.

Sue: It’s like that time he got really angry and told Pat that her earrings were shit. He’s quite a good actor, actually.

Back on Cephlon, Vila laments the fact that the Liberator has buggered off without them again. To be fair, it is becoming something of a habit. Avon shrugs it off, hoping that they’ll return in the nick of time as usual.

Sue: Paul Darrow’s monotone is incredible. His delivery of those lines should be ridiculous, but somehow it’s electrifying.

And then Travis turns up.

Sue: Things must be serious if old leather pants is involved. Maybe Servalan fancies Travis so much -
Me: STOP IT!

Travis’s handling of the Blake affair has resulted in a demotion for the former Space Commander.

Sue: He probably has to deal with space traffic these days. It’s a bit of a comedown.

Servalan tells Travis about her latest scheme: Orac. There’s nothing else quite like it in the universe.

Sue: Hmm. It sounds like Orac could be a robot. Like Data in Star Trek, or a Cylon in Battlestar Galactica. That could be interesting. And is Servalan drinking crème de menthe?

Servalan kicks back on her couch.

Sue: She’s like Don Draper, lying on a sofa, drinking on the job in the middle of the afternoon, plotting and scheming. It’s Mad Ma’am.

Servalan admits that she planted the bomb on Ensor’s ship.

Sue: What a bitch! She’s actually getting off on this. And she’s definitely tipsy, too.

Servalan and Travis agree to steal Orac without the Federation’s consent.

Sue: This reminds me of the time Michael Moon and Janine Butcher got together. Pure evil.

However, Travis has second thoughts when he discovers that Servalan’s expendable space surgeon is the very same space surgeon who gave Travis his bionic space eye.

Sue: I knew Travis had a heart, deep down inside. He’s not all bad, you know. I know exactly how this will end: Travis will change his mind, he’ll save Blake’s life – killing Servalan in the process – and then he’ll join Blake’s crew. That’s what I would do.

The indigenous cavemen attack our heroes with a ferocity that borders on the comical.

Sue: This is a bit lame. It’s very Monty Python, don’t you think?
Me: They’re being stoned to death by the Time Bandits.

Our heroes wander into an underground bunker, where they meet a woman in blue dress who bows down before Avon. Her name is Meegat and she has been expecting him.

Sue: And now it’s turned into The Life of Brian.

The natives, meanwhile, have taken Jenna prisoner.

Sue: She’s been kidnapped by Ronnie Wood.

Avon manages to demonstrate incredible levels of self-restraint for a man who’s being worshipped as a god.

Sue: Captain Kirk would have shagged her by now.
Me: Are you disappointed or relieved?
Sue: As long as he doesn’t punch her in the face, I’m happy.

The underground bunker houses the controls for a rocket that contains the race banks of Meegat’s people.

Sue: So it’s a giant sperm bank in space. Right…

Sadly, Jenna doesn’t get a look-in while all this is going on.

Sue: Avon’s been sidetracked by a beautiful woman, and now he couldn’t care less about the other beautiful woman he’s lost. Unbelievable.

Avon prepares to launch the rocket.

Sue: Has Avon actually checked that Jenna isn’t trapped in that rocket? I know she isn’t trapped in that rocket, but Avon doesn’t know that, and she could have wandered in there by mistake. You know what this lot are like.

Avon finally decides to continue his search for Jenna.

Sue: Hallelujah!

Meanwhile, back on the Liberator, Ensor is slowly losing the will to live. However, thanks to a spring-loaded trigger, if he loses consciousness, his gun will fire itself.

Sue: I’d stop talking now if I were you, Blake. Your yakking is bound to send him off. Ask Zen to pipe some Big Band Swing through the ship. That’ll keep him awake.

Avon and Meegat appear to have a very special relationship.

Sue: They’re holding hands! Aww, that’s sweet. Although you could argue that Avon is taking advantage of someone who isn’t right in the head.

Gan can’t take part in Jenna’s rescue because of his limiter.

Sue: WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU, GAN?

Even Vila gets his hands dirty while Gan looks meekly on.

Sue: Gan is the biggest member of the crew, and yet he can’t do shit. They should ditch him the first chance they get. Just drop him off at the nearest space circus. They’ll take good care of him.

Gan only gets involved when the hard work has already been done and Jenna is safe and sound.

Sue: He’s giving these two cavemen a big drunken bear hug. ‘I really, really love you, mate!’

Limiter or not, the natives are easily overcome.

Sue: I bet they couldn’t make a pig squeal like a pig.

Back on the Liberator, Ensor drops dead. But before he shuffles off this mortal coil, he makes his last, and somewhat curious request: deliver some microcells to his father.

Sue: Screw you! Blake should sell those microcells to the highest bidder, and then he should dance on the father’s grave. He was a cunt and Blake is a terrorist. So there.

Blake instructs Zen to plot a direct route for Cephlon at maximum speed.

Sue: What is maximum speed, anyway? Have they established that yet? I feel like I should know the answer and it’s driving me mad.

Back on Cephlon, Avon is preparing to launch the rocket. According to Jenna, he’s about to become a legend.

Sue: Don’t be daft. Avon was a legend long before he landed on this shithole.

Once it’s successfully launched, Avon instructs Zen to scan for any suitable planets that the rocket could land on.

Sue: Don’t you think he should have done that before he launched the rocket into space? For all he knew, he could have been firing it into a black hole.

Meegat is conspicuous by her absence.

Sue: Where the hell is she? They didn’t even say goodbye. What a load of rubbish. TERRY, YOU TWAT!

Blake asks Avon what it felt like to be a god. Avon says he didn’t like the responsibility.

Sue: I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Blake. I think Avon loved every minute of it. I’d watch my back if I were you.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was pretty good, then it was awful, then it was quite good again, and then it was irritating. Basically anything that involved the cavemen was rubbish, and anything that involved Avon and Travis was all right. I didn’t understand the plot with the rocket at all. The episode was a set-up for something else, and Terry’s just treading water. I’m looking forward to meeting Orac, though. I hope he’s dishy.

5/10

Blog tagline: The weekend they didn’t play golf… (This is the tagline Warner Bros. used to promote the 1972 film of the same name. Less shocking than ‘The weekend they were all gang raped’, I suppose.)

Glen’s trailer: Paul Darrow is out of his bed again.

NOTES: The students I left in Whitby that night were never seen again.

Comment: Sue really has a way of giving an insight into embarrassing chunks of your life that you’d probably not share with a whole bunch of strangers. - Mike

A13: Orac

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 27 March 1978
Blogged: 18 February 2014

A very sweaty Gan walks through a door on the Liberator.

Sue: (as Gan) I’d leave it ten minutes if I were you.

Gan isn’t feeling very well.

Sue: It’s probably the space curry he had last night. And is it just me or is Gan always ill?

Avon, meanwhile, has been summoned to a private meeting with Blake.

Sue: Oh no, Avon is wearing his circus costume again. This is not a good start.

Blake wants to talk to Avon about their most recent adventure.

Sue: Yes, he knows. He was there.

Blake’s recap includes edited highlights from the last episode.

Sue: Does Zen film all their adventures for them?

And then they talk about Orac for a while.

Sue: They didn’t have the iPlayer back in the 1970s, so I can see why it’s taking them five minutes to get everyone who didn’t see the last episode up to speed, but you’d never get this today. They didn’t have a recap at the beginning of the second season of House of Cards, and it took me three episodes to remember what the hell was going on.

Jenna isn’t feeling very well, either.

Sue: She’s far too young to be getting hot flushes, so it must be the space curry they had last night.

Blake and Avon watch a replay of Ensor’s ship exploding in the last episode.

Sue: The weirdest thing, which they haven’t even mentioned yet, is that you can see smoke rising up - in space.

Cally – who Sue now regards as the Liberator‘s resident doctor – believes that Avon, Vila, Gan and Jenna are all suffering from radiation sickness.

Sue: I’m glad.
Me: That’s a bit heartless.
Sue: They said the planet was radioactive – Zen made a big deal out of it last week – so I’m glad they followed up on that. I don’t want them to die. Well, not all of them.

Vila throws up.

Sue: The Liberator must reek of vomit and diarrhoea this week. I hope the furniture is stain resistant.

On the planet Aristo, an old man is tending to his fish.

Sue: I hope he isn’t Orac. You can’t have a geriatric terrorist on top of everything else.

It’s Ensor Snr, and he isn’t feeling very well either.

Sue: Do you think Terry was suffering from IBS when he wrote this episode? They’re all sick. I can imagine Terry writing this on the toilet.

Sue fails to notice Professor Yaffle in Ensor’s lab, probably because she’s too busy staring at an old man’s naked chest.

Sue: He’s basically a decrepit Tony Stark. He needs someone to jump start him.

Ensor communicates with an unseen ‘colleague’, but Sue isn’t listening to him - she’s listening to the background hum.

Sue: I suppose he needs a bee to pollinate his plants, but that would get on my tits if I had to work there. I’d want to swat it.

The voice belongs to Orac.

Sue: He sounds like he could be dishy, I suppose. When do we get to meet him?

Servalan and Travis arrive on Aristo with thievery on their minds.

Sue: You know, whenever I look at Servalan, I always think of Marc Almond.

Avon is very familiar with Ensor’s research. In fact Ensor Snr. is so famous, even the galaxy’s most advanced supercomputers are based on his work.

Sue: He’s Bill Jobs.
Me: Yes, Sue. That’s exactly who he is.

Avon and Gan recline on the Liberator‘s deck chairs after enduring several arduous trips to the bathroom.

Sue: Where are we? Is this the Liberator‘s spa room?

According to Zen, the planet Aristo has seen better days: its oceans cover all the buildings, and strange life forms have probably evolved in the oceans, too.

Sue: I bet it’s full of Sea Devils.

When we return to the Liberator‘s teleport room, Sue notices that the crew are running dangerously low on bracelets.

Sue: Lesley Judd should knock up some replacements.

Yes, we watched ‘Blue Peter’s Make Your Own Blake’s 7 Bracelet’ special feature on the DVD. Sue thought it was charming, and Lesley was a consummate professional when it came to handling sticky-backed plastic and silver foil, but she also decided that the relationship between the two programmes was a little odd to say the least:

Sue: I don’t see how the BBC can target a show about a convicted a child molester-turned-terrorist to children. Or maybe that’s just me. What’s next? Peter Purves shows you how to make a sawn-off shotgun from The Sweeney out of an old washing-up liquid bottle?

Blake and Cally teleport to Aristo.

Sue: They messed up the Ready Brek effect. You’d think they’d be getting better at that by now, not worse.

Blake and Cally run straight into a force field. They can’t tell if they are on the outside unable to get in, or on the inside unable to get out.

Sue: It’s a bit like Under the Dome, only less shit.

Travis and Servalan, on the other hand, are deep underground.

Sue: I hope Servalan has stocked up on Vanish, because she’ll need some when she gets out of here. And why is she here in the first place? Why didn’t she just send Travis here with an army of space vampires? You wouldn’t see M chaperoning James Bond like this. Travis must be even more incompetent than I thought.

A clearly anxious Servalan waits for Travis to return from exploring a gap in a rockfall.

Sue: (singing) ‘And now I’m all alone in bedsit land…’

A space lizard gropes Servalan, so Travis shoots its face off.

Sue: Servalan had a little wobble, there. That surprised me. First, Travis has a heart, and now Servalan shows us her vulnerable side. What an odd scene.

Servalan crawls over some rocks, but the next time we see her she’s…

Sue: Completely spotless. Unbelievable.

Meanwhile, Blake and Cally are twiddling their thumbs on a beach when they are suddenly confronted by…

Sue: An Angry Bird.

The flying object instructs Blake and Cally to follow it, but not before it demonstrates its devastating firepower.

Sue: So far, Blake’s 7 has predicted Walkmen and Drones. That’s not bad, actually.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator…

Sue: Avon is probably projecting liquid out of every orifice, right now. At least he’ll never wear that silly costume again. He’ll never get the smell out.

Something is moaning and groaning behind an empty bracelet dispenser.

Sue: Gan just evacuated his bowels again. This is very bleak.

Back on Aristo, Blake and Cally finally step into a transporter, after it takes them five minutes to find the entrance.

Sue: This is just padding. The script must be under-running for them to piss about like this. JUST GET IN THE BLOODY THING!
Me: It’s a portaloo, for christsake, not the monolith from 2001!

Travis and Servalan manage to avoid the lizards in the tunnels.

Sue: That was quite good, actually. When they don’t move, and the camera doesn’t dwell on them, and you can barely make them out, the monsters aren’t that bad.

Blake and Cally meet Ensor.

Sue: The water in his fish tank is filthy. He needs a filter. What kind of computer genius doesn’t invent a filter for his fish?

Cally informs Ensor that his son is dead, but she also tells him that he did everything in his power to reach him before he died.

Sue: (as Cally) Including trying to blow my head off!

And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Orac arrives. On a trolley.

Sue: So Orac is a massive Raspberry Pi. Well, I wasn’t expecting that.

Orac can access the sum total of all the knowledge of the known worlds.

Sue: So it’s got wireless. Big deal. And if Orac is a computer, what does ORAC stand for?
Me: Orac doesn’t stand for anything, but you can stand things on Orac.

Travis and Servalan are still navigating Aristo’s tunnels.

Sue: If Servalan had any sense, she would have killed the son and brought the power cells directly to the old man, just like Blake has done. She could have rung the doorbell, walked in and took it. Job done.

Travis blasts his way into Ensor’s base. Blake decides to investigate while Cally and Ensor beat a hasty retreat with Orac.

Sue: So Orac is basically Wikipedia in a box.

Cally asks Ensor to help her carry the supercomputer.

Sue: (as Ensor) Yes, love. I’m having a massive heart attack, but I’ll help you carry this massive box. Why the fuck not?

When Avon drags Vila out of his sickbed/deck chair, Vila accidentally smacks his head on a doorframe. This gets the biggest laugh of the series so far.

Sue: That was brilliant. Poor Vila.

And then Avon snaps at Vila, when he really should be snapping at the person who’s supposedly responsible for continuity on this programme, because an unconscious Gan keeps moving around the set. Oh, and then Vila is teleported into a puddle. Like Sue said: poor Vila.

Sue: Avon and Vila make a great double act. I can actually see the point of Vila, now.

Ensor warns Cally about the crazy lizards in the caves, although he doesn’t think they’ll harm them.

Sue: Although they may want to hump your leg. Just go with it and try not to shoot them in the face. It puts them off their stride.

And with that, Ensor drops dead - it was probably lifting that heavy box that did it - and Blake and Cally are forced to leave the old man’s corpse behind.

Sue: That’s right, let the giant space lizards eat him. That’s nice.
Me: They have to save Avon, remember?
Sue: OK. Fair enough. Run!

Blake and Cally reach Aristo’s surface, but Travis and Servalan are already waiting for them.

Me: When I was 9 years old, this was the most exciting thing I’d ever seen. And I’d seen Star Wars.
Sue: You were easily pleased, then. Actually, nothing’s changed.
Me: I definitely knew that this was the final episode of the series, and that meant anything could happen. I have some incredibly vivid memories of this episode. Especially this bit…

Avon shoots Travis’s hand off, although he claims he was aiming for his head.

Sue: That’s the best line in Blake’s 7 so far.

Travis’s hand is left in tatters. Again.

Sue: It’s back to space traffic for you, Travis. They’ll probably replace his hand with a large Children Crossing sign.

The crew congregate on the Liberator‘s flight deck for Orac’s unveiling ceremony.

Sue: Zen won’t be very happy about this. I bet he’s seething with jealousy.

Orac is even more unhelpful than Zen on a bad day, and after an exasperating conversation that goes round and round in circles, Avon removes Orac’s key and throws it away.

Sue: That’s 100 million credits down the drain. Well done. Still, it was worth it to see Avon smile.

But there’s more: Orac has predicted that the Liberator will be destroyed.

Sue: What’s Orac basing this on?
Me: The scripts for next series.

The Liberator explodes on the ship’s scanner screen. Blake gasps. Sue yawns.

Cue credits.

Sue: Oh, sorry, was that it?

The Score

Sue: That didn’t do anything for me. Some of the performances were very nice, and Avon was brilliant as usual, but what was it all about? Terry just banged that out.

5/10

Me: Are you insane? That was the season finale!
Sue: You try telling Terry Nation that. Come on, Neil, what actually happened? They found another unhelpful computer, they let Travis off with another warning, and then they got some half-arsed premonition about something they’ll definitely avoid next time. So what?

Blog tagline: The Box of Delights…

Glen’s trailer: ‘The prissy little queen who lives with a trapped bee.’

NOTES: Sea Devils in Blake’s 7? Don’t be ridiculous, Sue.

Comment: O.R.A.C. stands for Over-Righteous Attitude Contraption. – Graeme

Interlude A

When we reached the end of the first series, I tried to gauge how my wife was coping with the programme so far.

Me: Very early on, you claimed that Blake’s 7 was much better than Doctor Who. Do you still believe that?
Sue: Yes, I do. Definitely.
Me: Really? I’m surprised.
Sue: It’s the characters and the premise that I like. The execution could be a lot better, but the idea is solid. It’s more like Babylon 5 than Doctor Who, and I like that aspect to it. I like story arcs and anti-heroes and stuff like that. As long as Avon doesn’t leave, Blake’s 7 is miles ahead of 1970s Doctor Who.

I then asked her seven more questions posed by our readers:

Hugh Dunne: If you could swap one Doctor Who companion with one Liberator crewmember, who would it be and why?
Sue: That’s a very good question. The crew could do with a decent scientist, so I’d probably pick Romana. The first Romana because she’d look good in Robin Hood clothes. And I’d swap her for Cally because Cally is fucking hopeless.

The next question was also asked by Dean Jacobs, Brian Ferguson, and Ellie.

Mat Dolphin: If you had to kill off one of the crew, who would you choose?
Sue: Are all of these questions going to be about getting rid of members of the crew? OK, it’s a toss-up between Cally and Gan. Gan because I trust him about as far as I can throw him (and his sex face disturbs me), and Cally because she’s fucking hopeless.
Steve Trimingham: What do you think the series says about the politics (social and sexual) of the 1970s?
Sue: I didn’t think I’d have to write an essay tonight; I’m not at work now, love. OK, let’s see: the IRA were big in the 1970s, so terrorism was very topical. As was paedophilia, or so it seems. So yes, Blake’s 7 basically reflected how grim things were back in the 1970s, while the costumes reflected how silly things were back in the 1970s. As for its sexual politics, it’s complicated. On the one hand, you’ve got strong women in powerful roles, but at the same time you’ve got women being punched in the face, acting as damsels in distress, or falling at mens’ feet. But it’s Terry Nation, so what can you do?

Lots of people asked the next question, including Jess Patton, Paula, Travis’s Eyepatch, Steve Desmond and Jason U.

Steven Sharp: If you were making a re-booted version of Blake’s 7, who would you cast?

Sue gave this question a great deal of thought before she finally settled on: Stephen Mangan (Blake), John Simm (Avon), Michelle Collins (Jenna), David Mitchell (Vila), Nick Frost (Gan), Patsy Palmer (Cally), Graham Norton (Orac), Paul Darrow (Zen), Joanna Lumley (Servalan) and Mark Gatiss (Travis).

Actors who didn’t make the final cut included: Benedict Cumberbunch (sic) as Blake, Jane Horrocks as Jenna, Russell Tovey as Vila, Jamie Lee Curtis as Cally, Peter Capaldi as Travis, Joan Collins as Servalan and Miranda Hart as Gan.

Me: You do realise that you’ve cast Blake’s 7 as a sitcom.
Sue: It needs a lighter touch. It’s too bleak.
Dave Sanders: If you were put in charge of Federation security, what would be your strategy to capture Blake?
Sue: That’s easy. I’d tell Blake that I wanted to negotiate with him on a deserted planet somewhere, and then I’d offer to wipe those poor kids’ memories, so they don’t think they’ve been molested any more. And because Blake is naive, he’d turn up, and that’s when I’d shoot him in the head. No messing about. Just shoot him in the head.
Me: But then you’d turn Blake into a martyr.
Sue: So don’t tell anyone that you’ve shot him in the head. Put out a story that he died raping a small child. There you go. Easy. And the same advice goes to Blake. The next time you find yourself in the same room as Servalan or Travis, just shoot them in the head. Job done.
Robert Dick: Which cast member do you think would cope best with having a pint spilled on their good suit? And which one would react the worst?
Sue: Well, I’d like to think that Paul Darrow would handle it well, just in case I ever meet him, but I suspect that he’d probably punch me in the face. So I guess the actor who plays Vila would probably handle it best, because he’d make a joke out of it. Orac would probably react the worst because he’d short circuit.

And finally, dozens of you asked subtle variations on this question:

Rebecca Harris: What would you do differently if you were the producer of Blake’s 7?
Sue: I’d put an apostrophe in the logo for a start, and then I’d hire Robert Holmes to write all the scripts, and I’d get Douglas Camfield to direct all the episodes. How hard can it be?
Me: Before I loosen the restraints, can you sum up Blake’s 7 so far in seven words?
Sue: Bleak; well-acted; engaging; political; convoluted; enjoyable; and cheap.
Me: And finally, what would you like to see happen next?
Sue: I want Blake to clear his name because that’s been bugging me for ages; I want to see more tension between Avon and Blake until they end up wrestling on the floor; I want to see Servalan booted out of the Federation for exceeding her reach, and I want her to join Blake’s crew; I don’t want to see Travis any more – he’s blown it too many times for me to take him seriously; I want Blake to concentrate on bringing down the Federation – none of this ‘let’s explore a planet like we’re in Star Trek‘ nonsense; and I don’t want Terry Nation to write any more scripts, but that’s cheating because you’ve already told me that happens. Thank God.

SERIES B

It’s gritty glam

B1: Redemption

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 9 January 1979
Blogged: 4 March 2014

Sue: The title sequence hasn’t changed. That’s disappointing.

It isn’t the only thing that remains the same.

Me: Ouch!

A cushion bounces off my face.

Sue: TERRY FUCKING NATION!
Me: I said Terry didn’t write all the scripts for the second series. I never told you that he didn’t write any of them.
Sue: I really hate you sometimes, Neil.

Blake is still watching the Series A cliffhanger.

Me: I didn’t mention this at the time, but as John Williams pointed out in the comments, it was the first time a television drama series ended on a cliffhanger. Impressive, eh?
Sue: That is quite interesting, I suppose. So, how long has Blake been waiting for the Liberator to explode?
Me: I have no idea.
Sue: Call John Williams and find out.

Cally is doing some maintenance work in the teleport section.

Sue: Cally’s had her hair cut, so quite a lot of time must have passed between this one and the last one. The only other explanation is that Cally thought to herself, ‘Imminent destruction? I know, I’ll get my hair cut!’ And that would be silly.
Me: What do you think of her new hairstyle?
Sue: I like it. It suits her. She needs to put some weight on, though. I worry about her health.

It appears that everyone has decided to change into something more comfortable while they wait for certain death.

Sue: Blake has dressed for a fishing trip, Jenna is off night-clubbing again (nice boots by the way), Gan has joined the priesthood, and Avon is heading for a quick session in the ship’s sex dungeon. I’d love to see the Liberator‘s wardrobe – I bet it’s mental.

Relations between Avon and Blake are frosty to say the least.

Sue: (as Blake) Avon, for the last time, could you at least try to dress as a good guy, please. Black leather sends the wrong message, and you look like Travis from behind.

Avon asks Blake to watch the cliffhanger one more time.

Sue: They’re definitely getting their money’s worth out of this special effect. And I’m convinced that several months must have passed between this episode and the last one.
Me: What makes you say that?
Sue: Because Blake has lost weight. His clothes don’t fit him any more. Look at his jacket flapping about… Or maybe he’s put Gan’s costume on by mistake.

Avon explains that the Liberator can’t explode if they never visit the exact position in space where the explosion occurs. And then an explosion occurs and Blake and Avon are thrown violently to the floor.

Sue: Avon gave Blake a sneaky cuddle, there.

The Liberator is under attack!

Sue: Nothing important will happen in this episode.
Me: Eh?
Sue: It’s going to be one of those fuckabout episodes, where pointless nonsense distracts them for 40 minutes. And the direction is appalling. It’s so flat. Douglas Camfield directed a scene like this once and it was brilliant. This is hopeless.

Blake asks Zen to identify the hostile forces.

Sue: And put a microphone on Gan while you’re at it. I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

Zen suggests that they divert to a nearby planet.

Sue: Look at the muck on this film. I can barely see anything. And why didn’t Orac predict this? What’s the point of Orac if he can’t predict this?

Sue grumbles when the action on the Liberator keeps switching from video to film. And when we’re on video, she complains that it’s over-lit.

Sue: I can’t get into this, Neil. Did Terry find a spare script in the bottom of a drawer? This is just more of the same. I expected the second series to be a lot better than this. In fact, you promised me that the second series would be a lot better than this.

At least Vila and Avon provide her with some light relief.

Sue: Poor Vila. This is basically workplace bullying. Very funny, though.

Avon doesn’t understand why the enemy ships didn’t knock them out completely.

Sue: Ask Orac. I thought Orac was supposed to be the answer to all their prayers. All he’s done so far is make everyone paranoid.

Elsewhere, on Spaceworld…

Sue: It’s a jumpgate from Babylon 5.

A woman in a skin-tight blue Lycra bodystocking is, er, I’m not quite sure what’s she’s doing. I got distracted.

Sue: This is your favourite episode of Blake’s 7, isn’t it, Neil?

I fidget uncomfortably in my seat.

Sue: Even Kate Bush would think twice about wearing something like that. Nice arse, though.

Blake has lost control of the Liberator, so he heads to the subcontrol room to sort it out.

Sue: What a stupid place to put a gear stick.

Blake is suddenly threatened by some sentient wiring.

Sue: It’s like The Abyss, but with electricity instead of water.
Me: I think you mean it’s abysmal.
Sue: No, it’s all right. It’s quite scary. I like the idea of the ship turning on them. I just don’t understand why it’s taken it so long.

Zen is no help whatsoever.

Sue: Is Zen in a huff because he’s jealous of Orac? I bet that’s what it is. He hasn’t been the same since they switched Orac on.

Cally replaces a computer component on the Liberator‘s flight deck.

Sue: They’re trying to turn Cally into Romana. They’ve even given her her own sonic screwdriver. Has Terry forgotten which programme he’s writing for?

The component shorts out. Avon suspects that the ship is rejecting them.

Sue: Maybe it was something you said? Perhaps if you promised to clean the toilets more often, the ship will let you off with a warning.

Avon arrives in the subcontrol room to help Blake. He tells him they now are passengers on their own ship. But where are they heading?

Sue: They’re going to the one place they can’t go, obviously. Maybe Orac is doing this to prove himself right. I trust Orac about as far as I can throw him, which is probably quite far, but you know what I mean.

Avon distracts the computer so Blake can escape. And then the door slams on Avon, which makes Sue gasp.

Sue: For a second there, I thought Blake had locked Avon in that room on purpose. I honestly thought Blake was using this opportunity to get rid of Avon. You wouldn’t get that on Star Trek.

Some unwelcome visitors ambush Gan in the teleport room.

Sue: They’re using the same guns Blake uses. Waitaminute. I know what’s happening. Either the BBC has run out of money and they’re recycling props, or this lot have come back for their spaceship.
Me: Are you excited that we’ll get to find out who built the Liberator?
Sue: I couldn’t care less. I hadn’t given it a second thought.

At least the Liberator‘s supply of bracelets has been replenished.

Sue: Lesley Judd’s been busy.

Cally searches for Vila, who went missing searching for Gan.

Sue: Cally’s the only telepath I know who needs to shout.

The Liberator‘s walls are splattered with blood.

Sue: It’s turned into The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Listen, you can hear a chainsaw starting up.
Me: That’s Dudley’s maracas, love.

Sue believes that Blake should give his ship back to the aliens.

Sue: Well it is their spaceship. Maybe if they ask him nicely, Blake will agree to give it back. He’s a very reasonable terrorist.

Blake switches Orac on.

Sue: Finally! What took him so long?

It’s a good job that Orac’s systems work independently of the Liberator.

Sue: So Orac is basically a laptop. If they made Blake’s 7 today, you’d fit Orac in your pocket. And you’d be able to play mp3s on him, too.

Sue doesn’t notice that Orac’s voice has changed between episodes, but she does notice that the same actor is responsible for Zen’s voice as well. This doesn’t surprise her in the slightest.

Sue: Anything to save money.

The Liberator’s flight deck is taken over by aliens, and Blake is quickly subdued with a gun-nozzle to the face.

Sue: So Terry Nation invented the taser. I bet they didn’t know their guns could do that, which is funny when you stop to think about it.

The Liberator is taken to Spaceworld.

Sue: I like it when the women are in charge. Although if these women were really in charge, the men would be the ones walking around in skin-tight cat suits.

Like me, Sue is impressed with Sheila Ruskin’s screen presence.

Sue: She has a very nice voice. She reminds me of Diana Rigg. She’s got a nice arse like Diana Rigg, too.
Me: I would have got a cushion in the face if I’d said that.

At which point, Orac makes a funny noise.

Sue: Orac sounds like a kitten begging for a cuddle.

Armed guards escort Blake’s crew into the depths of Spaceworld.

Sue: What is it with this programme and fetish gear? Why do all the bad guys look like they’re on their way to a sex dungeon? Avon must think that all his Christmases have come at once.

Blake is interrogated by the System.

Sue: This is all Blake needs. Now he’s got two sets of bad guys to worry about. That doesn’t seem fair to me.

The System wants to know how Blake ended up on Deep Space Vehicle II.

Sue: What a boring name. They don’t deserve the ship if that’s the best name they can come up with.
Me: What if they called it spaceQuest DSV, would that be any better?
Sue: No.

When Blake is sentenced to death, he finally decides to fight back.

Sue: You can punch her in the face if you like – she’s a robot. At least I think she’s a robot. Although why you’d make a robot with a nice arse like that is beyond me.

I stare at my notes and say nothing.

A guard falls from a gantry to his death, thanks to some nifty shooting from Blake.

Sue: That was an incredible fall. Was that Stuart Fell?
Me: I don’t know.
Sue: Text John Williams and find out.

Blake finds himself in a dead end.

Sue: I’m sure this is a map on Call of Duty.

A slave pops up to provide Blake with an escape route.

Me: It’s Roy Evans.
Sue: Oh no, not again.
Me: No, it’s the real Roy Evans this time.
Sue: Well, he’s no spring chicken, but I bet he’s still a thousand times more useful than Gan.

Vila frees Jenna and Avon from Spaceworld’s cells, but not before Avon accidentally punches Vila in the stomach.

Sue: I don’t care what you say - Avon enjoyed that. This is just a regular Thursday night on the Liberator.

Avon, Jenna, Gan, Cally and Vila run for their lives.

Sue: I’m surprised they were allowed to set off explosives in a gas works. The risk assessment for this episode must have been a nightmare.

At least Roy Evans can shoot straight.

Sue: Taxi for Gan!

But Roy doesn’t make it – he’s shot in the back.

Sue: No! You can’t do that! He’s the best thing in this!

System guards teleport to the Liberator, armed with grenades. However, they’re teleported back to Spaceworld before they can throw them, and the hapless guards end up attacking their own base by mistake. Sue laughs so much she spills her tea.

Sue: They make the Federation look good.

The Liberator escapes from Spaceworld.

Sue: This looks like an airport runway at night… Oh, it is an airport runway at night. So where are the Liberator‘s wheels?

The System sends another ship after them - speed Standard by Fourteen.

Sue: Standard by Fourteen? Fuck me!

The Liberator‘s sister ship is destroyed by Orac. So his prophecy came true after all.

Sue: What a cop out. At least they didn’t drag it out for a whole season, I suppose.

Blake congratulates Orac.

Sue: Orac is the most useful member of the crew and he’s strapped to a fucking trolley!

Blake tells Zen to take them back to Earth.

Sue: About bloody time.

And then he tells Avon to return to his post.

Sue: If looks could kill, Blake would be having an aneurism right now.

The Score

Sue: I struggled with that. I just couldn’t get into it. The direction was horrendous, and did we really need another group of jackbooted villains? Hasn’t Blake got enough on his plate? And I bet we never see the Sisters again, so what was the point?
Me: System.
Sue: Sisters. System. Whatever. That episode was a complete waste of time. Avon was very good, and the end was quite exciting, but this is still really, really cheap, Neil. I’m sorry, but that was disappointing.

4/10

Blog tagline: Now completely spoiler-free… (This was the point where I began to moderate comments on the blog by hand, effectively transforming this endeavour into a full-time job. You wouldn’t believe the number of ‘I can’t wait for the bit when X happens in Y’ messages that I had to intercept back in the early days. I swear to God, one of the very first messages, posted on the very first blog, said: ‘I can’t wait to see how Sue reacts when they all die in the last episode.’ Seriously.

Glen’s trailer: ‘The bailiff bitches have come to repossess the ship!’

Comment: That wasn’t a gas works they were filming at and setting off all those explosions. Oh no. It was a nuclear power plant. – Steve Manfred

B2: Shadow

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Jonathan Wright Miller
Broadcast: 16 January 1979
Blogged: 7 March 2014

Chris Boucher’s name elicits a round of applause.

Sue: Thank God for that.
Me: Don’t get too excited, love. You didn’t like Chris Boucher’s Doctor Who episodes very much.
Sue: Oh.

This episode begins with two tramps (Bek and Hanna) being taunted by a Bond villain named Largo with jellied treats made by Heston Blumenthal. At least that’s what it says in my notes.

Sue: He’s famous.

She’s pointing at Karl Howman

Sue: I recognise his voice. Who is he?
Me: Karl Howman.
Sue: That doesn’t help, Neil.

Bek and Hanna turn the tables on Largo and escape with a big bag of tasty Heston treats.

Sue: He’s a Space Cockney! Come on, Neil, pause the DVD and tell me who he is.
Me: I’ve already told you – it’s Karl Howman. OK, do you remember a BBC sitcom called Brush Strokes? No? Theme tune by Dexys Midnight Runners? (Also missing an apostrophe, by the way.) No? He played a cheeky painter and decorator. Late eighties. A bit shit.
Sue: I’ve never heard of it.

It must have been the way I described it, because she remembered it quite fondly when I loaded up the title sequence on YouTube.

Sue: Oh yeah, he was quite dishy in that. Has he been in anything else?
Me: Well, he was in a long-running series of TV adverts.
Sue: Oxo.
Me: No.
Sue: Beer.
Me: No.
Sue: Creosote.
Me: What? No.

She then proceeded to list practically everything that has ever been advertised on British television, including dog biscuits, toilet paper, Tango, toothpaste, and crisps.

Me: No. He advertised Flash cleaning products. Remember?
Sue: No.

She does when I fire up YouTube.

Sue: Oh yeah. Actually, I wish I’d never asked now.

While Bek and Hanna consider their next move, the Liberator appears in the window behind them.

Sue: That’s a nice touch. I really liked that. It gives the place a sense of scale. The direction is a lot better already.

The action switches to the Liberator’s flight deck.

Sue: Now that’s how you light a set. And isn’t it nice to see them all together in the same shot like that.
Me: Yeah, they’re one big happy family.
Sue: I like the way Blake gets the comfy seat.

Zen’s status is firm.

Sue: Too much information, Zen.

The crew have arrived at Space City, otherwise known as the satellite of sin.

Sue: Or Las Vegas in Space. Am I right?

Vila’s latest outfit raises an eyebrow.

Sue: Has Vila been fencing?
Me: Not the sort of fencing you mean, no.

Bek and Hanna, meanwhile, are arguing over a drug-addled corpse: their friend has overdosed on a drug called Shadow.

Sue: This is a bit bleak. Where are the dancing girls and roulette tables?
Me: This isn’t Las Vegas in Space - it’s an Edinburgh Housing Estate in Space.

Despite this, Vila can’t wait to visit Space City.

Sue: Vila’s sideburns are enormous. I bet Space Elvis is playing Space Vegas tonight and Vila’s a fan. That’s why he can’t wait to get over there. By the way, I don’t rate the actor who plays Vila at all. He’s over the top.
Me: I love you to bits, Sue, but you are completely wrong about Vila. Just so we’re clear on that.

Cally sees through Vila’s pathetic attempt to leave the ship.

Sue: Anyone would think she was a telepath.

Vila persuades Orac to operate the teleport for him instead. But not before the computer suggests that there will come a time when he won’t need a key to function.

Sue: Orac is going to take over the ship! I knew you couldn’t trust him. And Vila didn’t notice because he was too busy thinking about Space Elvis. Oh dear. This won’t end well.

Blake, Avon and Jenna attempt to bargain with Largo, who claims the drug-running Terra Nostra is just a myth.

Sue: You can’t bribe the Mafia with paperweights, Avon. Everybody knows that.

To illustrate this point, Largo takes Blake and his crew hostage, referring to them as ‘amateurs’ in the process.

Sue: You can’t really argue with that. Blake is very naive. I’m surprised Avon agreed to go along with this stupid plan.

Back on the ship, Orac has been a very naughty boy and Zen can’t wait to drop him in it.

Sue: Hark at Zen! ‘The one called Orac’, indeed! Zen’s nose has definitely been put out of joint. I can’t wait to see Zen and Orac bickering with each other. It’s bound to happen sooner or later. And is Cally going to a medieval banquet tonight, or what?

Cally makes radio contact with Vila.

Sue: Cut to Vila in a Space Brothel, surrounded by Space Prostitutes.

Cally tells Vila to get ready to teleport, but Vila says she’s wasting her time because he isn’t wearing his bracelet.

Sue: He isn’t wearing anything. Not unless you count his sideburns.

Blake, Avon, Gan and Jenna are imprisoned in Space City with Bek and Hanna. Bek isn’t impressed with Blake’s decision to employ Gan as his lookout.

Sue: The script is a big improvement on the rubbish we usually get. This is shaping up quite nicely.

Largo tests Blake by asking him how many shuttles there are on the Liberator, before asking Cally the very same question on the flight deck.

Sue: If Cally had telepathic powers, she’d know how to answer that.

Cally extracts the answer from Blake with her telepathic powers.

Sue: Bloody hell! They’ve remembered that Cally is a telepath! This keeps getting better and better.

Cally threatens to blast Space City to smithereens if they don’t release her friends. Space City thinks she’s drunk, so she blows up one of their ships.

Sue: Proper terrorism for a change. It’s about time, too.

Our heroes return to the Liberator, leaving Bek and Hanna behind.

Sue: (as Blake) Thanks for your help and everything but we’re off now. Try not to get killed. Bye!

And then Blake changes his mind and comes back for them.

Sue: Aww, bless.

The Liberator leaves Space City in its wake.

Sue: I really enjoyed that. That episode flew by.
Me: We’re only halfway through.
Sue: Oh. Bollocks.

Vila is recovering from the mother of all hangovers, so Avon resorts to insulting Gan instead.

Sue: I don’t know why they put up with him. I mean, I love Avon to bits, but you have to ask yourself: why don’t they throw him off the ship? His main function seems to be putting people on edge and winding them up.

Avon takes the piss out of Blake’s decision to intimidate the fabled Terra Nostra.

Avon: Lawmakers, lawbreakers, let us fight them all. Why not?
Sue: Because it’s stupid?

Cally is searching for Orac, who is currently playing hard to get.

Sue: You can’t include Orac as one of the Seven if he turns out to be a baddie. This twist has completely ruined the title of the programme for me.

The next thing we know, Cally is trapped inside a metaphorical box.

Sue: What the fuck? Has Cally been on the Shadow? Is this what Shadow does to you? The last thing they need is a drug that makes them more paranoid than they already are.

Cally is in a catatonic state, but Blake isn’t really bothered by that. He’s too busy planning his takeover of the Terra Nostra’s supply of Shadow.

Sue: He’s going to do a Heisenberg. It’s turned into Blake-ing Bad.

It turns out that the Federation are in cahoots with the Terra Nostra.

Sue: That’s interesting. I like it when the Federation are involved. I feel like we’re actually getting somewhere. I have a lot more faith in this programme now that Terry has left.
Me: It’s only been thirty minutes!
Sue: I feel like I’m watching a completely different programme.

Cally is trapped in Orac’s head. Or as Sue so eloquently puts it:

Sue: What the fuck?

Orac suggests that Cally has gone insane.

Sue: First he can predict the future – or so he says – and now he makes one of the crew go mad. I’ll ask you again: what the fuck?

Blake, Jenna and Avon prepare to teleport to the planet Zondar, where Shadow is grown and harvested.

Sue: (as Blake) But let’s have a quick fencing tournament, first.

When they arrive on Zondar, Sue suddenly remembers where she’s seen Blake’s pyjamas before.

Sue: He’s come dressed as Luke Skywalker. They’ve even landed on Tatooine. Off-season by the look of it. Why didn’t George Lucas sue them?
Me: He was too busy suing Battlestar Galactica.

Gan is left on the Liberator to sulk.

Sue: Gan’s pissed off because they don’t have any cream pyjamas in his size.

Gan’s status remains firm.

Sue: Seriously, that is far too much information!

Blake, Avon and Jenna explore Zondar’s surface.

Sue: Blake isn’t afraid to show his chest. Avon, not so much. That is a shame.
Me: Jenna’s nipples are enormous.
Sue: I beg your pardon?
Me: The cat. Her nipples are enormous. You know, because she’s about to give birth. Actually, I don’t know why I felt the urge to say that.
Sue: I can take a bloody good guess.

Zondar is populated with thousands (well, dozens) of Moon Discs.

Sue: They look like wood-turned oyster boxes to me.
Me: We’ll have to take your word for that, Sue.

Blake plants some sensors in a circle so the ship’s battle computers can scan the area.

Sue: Sensors? They’re tent pegs!

And then he makes short work of the men patrolling the Shadow gardens, probably because the restricted vision caused by their helmets means they can’t actually see him.

Sue: What a bunch of Space Jesses.

Back on the ship, Orac is going nuts.

Sue: Quick! Pour some hot coffee over him!

Cally teleports to the surface of Zondar, and it isn’t long before she’s rolling around in the sand, surrounded by Moon Discs.

Sue: This planet would be a great place for a spa. You could train the plants to work as hot stones.

Orac electrocutes Hanna to death when she tries to switch him off.

Sue: At least there’s no blood for them to clean up. All that scrubbing and rinsing…

Oh no! The Liberator is going to crash!

Sue: Blimey, it’s all go. I don’t know what’s happening, but I think I’m enjoying it.

Cally manages to sort everything out. It seems that Orac was taken over by a creature from another dimension, and Cally used the Moon Discs to repel it. The Terra Nostra were unavailable for comment.

Sue: So the drugs do work. And you’d have to be on drugs to make sense of that. I mean, what the fuck?

Blake promises to return for Bek in three years time.

Sue: I bet he bloody doesn’t.

But before they leave Zondar behind, Blake gives Bek an opportunity to avenge Hanna’s death. By pressing a single button, the President’s Shadow garden will burn.

Me: Blake does all the hard work so you don’t have to.

Bek moves to press the button. Cue credits.

Sue: So they murdered all the telepathic plants. The same plants that helped Cally? Well there’s gratitude for you.

The Score

Sue: That was a step in the right direction. The dialogue was a massive improvement, the acting was pretty good, and everything Avon said was hilarious. It was still a bit of a mess, though. The Space Mafia were interesting but they didn’t go anywhere with it. I could have done without the Cally subplot, too - it didn’t make any sense. And I wanted to see more of Space Vegas. I wanted to see Space Craps.

6/10

Sue: And I don’t trust Orac any more.
Me: It wasn’t Orac’s fault. He was possessed.
Sue: Hmm. I’m not convinced. That was Orac’s first attempt at a hostile take-over. Quantum space monster, my arse.

Blog tagline: Carried away by a Moon Disc Shadow…

Glen’s trailer: Daintily put.

NOTES: Sue gave ‘The Face of Evil’ 4/10 and (even more controversially) ‘The Robots of Death’ 5/10, so she wasn’t Chris Boucher’s biggest fan by any stretch of the imagination.

Karl Howman joined the cast of EastEnders while I was editing this ebook. Sue will be pleased.

More on Jenna’s pregnancy later…

Comment: How could you forget Mulberry. I can’t, I was in the studio audience for the first episode (long story). Painfully unfunny, and that was before the retakes. – wyngatecarpenter

B3: Weapon

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: George Spenton-Foster
Broadcast: 23 January 1979
Blogged: 11 March 2014

This episode begins with a spaceship crashing into a planet.

Sue: Have we skipped a scene? Am I supposed to care about this?

There are two survivors: Coser and Rashel. They have faked their own deaths.

Sue: Are they from Gallifrey?
Me: No.
Sue: Well, they definitely bought their clothes on Gallifrey. It’s the only place in the universe where you can buy collars as ridiculous as that.

Wait for it…

Sue: Is it the Master?

Meanwhile, someplace else, a one-eyed man, dressed from head-to-toe in black leather, is about to get a fright.

Sue: Who’s he supposed to be?
Me: Wait and see.
Sue: Why is this guy dressed as Travis? Has Travis started a fashion trend back on Earth? I’m confused.

Blake confronts this cosplayer.

Sue: Eh? Why is Blake in a church? Oh, I get it: Blake is dreaming and he’s mixed-up Travis’s face with Elvis’s face. That explains the quivering lip. Clever.

The Elvis/Travis hybrid murders Blake in cold blood.

Sue: Blake must have eaten some seriously strong cheese before he went to bed.

An old woman named Fen arrives to chide this cold-blooded killer, whom she addresses as Travis.

Sue: Pause the bloody DVD, Neil.
Me: It’s not my fault. I didn’t recast him.
Sue: But he doesn’t look anything like Travis! Even the eyepatch is wrong. It’s too shiny. Why did the other Travis leave?
Me: I have no idea. Do I look like John Williams?

I press Play.

Sue: Please tell me that this old lady isn’t the new Servalan.
Travis: I want the other one.
Sue: Don’t we all, mate.
Travis: Get the other one!
Sue: Yes, for fuck’s sake, get the other one!

And then another Blake appears.

Sue: OK, so they’ve made some robots that look like Blake. How predictable.

And then we cut to the Liberator, which means it’s time for Sue to pass judgement on what the crew are wearing this week.

Sue: Avon is popping out to deliver some chocolates to a beautiful woman on a boat. Cally looks like she’s been in the Liberator‘s sex dungeon with that gold collar around her neck. And thank God Jenna’s broaches aren’t any lower down. I wouldn’t have thought a dress like that would be practical for freedom fighting. I just hope she’s wearing sensible shoes.

Coser’s sartorial sense, on the other hand, makes Blake’s crew look like catwalk models.

Sue: You know I’m pretty sure that Peter Gabriel wore that outfit when he was in Genesis.

Servalan drops by to chastise Travis. It’s becoming a habit.

Sue: Phew. It’s the same Servalan. That’s a relief.

Travis discovers that Servalan has been using him as a glorified Blake-detector.

Sue: Servalan always looks like she’s about to get married.

Travis is so upset, he physically assaults Servalan, although she doesn’t seem to mind.

Sue: I’d have him shot for that. The real Travis would never do something like that. Who is this guy?

Back on the Liberator, the real Blake is planning yet another scheme to hurt the Federation, although Avon isn’t exactly thrilled with his decision to attack a triple-A security installation.

Sue: It runs on triple-A batteries.

Orac isn’t that much help, either.

Sue: Blake gets enough grief from Avon without Orac chipping in with his lip. I still think it’s unfair that Blake has to put up with two stroppy computers. Three, if you count Avon.

Coser and Rashel find shelter in an abandoned dining room.

Sue: They’ve turned up for their Genesis tribute gig at the Student Union far too early. They haven’t cleared-up after the T-Rex covers band they had on last night yet.

Coser resents the position he’s been placed in.

Sue: He’s got a massive chip on his shoulder. I’m surprised there’s room for it with that collar.

Servalan, meanwhile, can’t praise the clone makers enough. In fact, she thinks they’re awesome.

Sue: They may be awesome, chick, but I wouldn’t trust them to put my make-up on. Look at the state of her face!

Servalan is surprised when she learns that Fen is also a clone.

Sue: It doesn’t seem fair for them to be talking about people who are identical to each another when this new Travis is in the room. It’s very rude.
Me: What do you think of the new Travis?
Sue: It’s too early to tell. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t look or act anything like the other Travis. This isn’t Doctor Who, you know.

Blake’s clone doesn’t possess Blake’s memories, but he does have a rudimentary sense of self and some background knowledge.

Sue: Have they told him that he’s a convicted child molester yet, or did they leave that part out?

Servalan wants this man.

Sue: So Servalan’s got herself a toy Blake. Is this a sex thing or a take-over-the-universe thing? Or maybe it’s both?

Orac, meanwhile, has some exciting news for the real Blake: the Federation are missing something called IMIPAK, as well as a Beta class weapons technician named Coser.

Sue: IMIPAK sounds like something you’d shave your legs with.

Coser’s mood hasn’t improved very much since we last saw him.

Sue: I don’t know what his problem is. He’s stuck in a low-lit room with a beautiful woman who wants to be his slave, and he doesn’t even crack a smile.

Coser is a paranoid, aggressive, control freak with delusions of grandeur.

Sue: Am I supposed to care about this guy? Because I don’t. If Blake saves this guy, I won’t be happy. His companion can stay – she’s lovely. But he’s horrible.

Carnell, a brilliant Federation psychostrategist, pays Servalan a visit. The flirting is off the chart.

Sue: WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH HER HAND!?

Carnell and Servalan hope to steal IMIPAK from Coser.

Sue: Blake’s 7 is a very strange programme. On the one hand, you’ve got all this gritty terrorism going on, and on the other hand you’ve got camp scenes like this that wouldn’t look out of place in Dallas or Dynasty. It’s gritty glam.

Blake wants to get his hands on IMIPAK too, even though he doesn’t know what it is. Vila says he can live without it. Blake says he can’t.

Avon: Unless, of course, you want your last words to be, ‘So that’s IMIPAK.’

Sue laughs so much, I have to pause the DVD. In fact, from this point on, you can assume that Sue laughs at everything Avon says.

Sue: He gets all the best lines. I bet the rest of the cast hated Paul Darrow.

Carnell is so clever, he can beat a computer at chess.

Sue: If you owned an electronic chess set in the 1970s, you were seriously posh. I don’t trust this slimeball one bit. He reminds me of Francis from House of Cards, pulling the strings behind the scenes.
Me: I couldn’t possibly comment.
Sue: The only difference is I never wanted Francis to die a horrible, painful death every time I saw his face.

Coser is woken from his slumber by the sound of an approaching monster.

Sue: I can’t believe he didn’t take his collar off before he went to bed. That won’t do his neck any favours. No wonder he’s in such a foul mood.

A giant claw attacks Coser and Rashel.

Sue: That claw has definitely been in Doctor Who. Don’t ask me what it’s called, but it’s definitely been in Doctor Who. And if it wasn’t in Doctor Who, it should have been. It’s right up Doctor Who‘s street.

Coser fires IMIPAK at the creature.

Sue: Your gun is rubbish, mate!

Oh no, it isn’t. Death is just a button-press away.

Sue: OK, fair enough. I’ll give you that. But it isn’t very practical, is it? What if someone came at you with a gun? You’d have to shoot them, put the gun away, switch on the box and then press the button. You’d be dead before you put the bloody gun away.

Blake’s clone arrives on the scene. Luckily for him, Coser is a fully paid-up member of the Blake’s 7 fan club and he welcomes the terrorist with open arms. He even has a present for him.

Coser: IMIPAK. It’s called IMIPAK: Induced Molecular Instability Projector and Key.
Sue: IMIPAK! Only 9.99. While stocks last!
Coser: IMIPAK!
Sue: I’m sorry, what’s it called again? I didn’t quite catch that.

The weapon has a range of a million miles.

Sue: It’s perfect for snipers who faint at the sight of blood. But the name needs some work. What about Death Delayer 1000, or something like that?

And then Servalan arrives, dressed as the White Witch from Narnia. Avon, on the other hand, has teleported to the planet dressed as a lobster.

Sue: I’m not a big fan of lobster, but I’ll make an exception in this case.

Coser is killed with his own weapon. It’s called IMIPAK by the way.

Sue: Good riddance to bad rubbish. What a pompous git. Just think: if the real Blake had turned up earlier, this twat would have joined the crew. What a nightmare that would have been.

Servalan shoots Travis in the back with IMIPAK when he’s not looking.

Sue: What a cow. Travis doesn’t know what’s hit him. Literally. It’s pretty good, this. So, does Servalan get a decent henchman next week?

Avon, Blake and Gan storm the building, their guns drawn.

Sue: Avon has been practicing that for ages. You can tell.
Me: They’re not exactly Charlie’s Angels, but they’ll do.

But Servalan has marked our heroes for death, so they do the only thing left to them: they run. However, there’s a problem. The planet has been seeded with proximity mines, which Zen detected far too late to do anything about.

Sue: This is why they need to leave Orac switched on all the time. He can see this sort of thing coming a mile off. Can’t he, Neil?

Back on the planet, Rashel and Blake’s clone manage to turn the tables on Servalan and Travis. Then they tell the villains to get lost; they want to be left alone so they can explore the planet together.

Sue: And after that, they could begin to explore, you know, each other.

The episode concludes with Servalan receiving an answer phone message from Carnell.

Sue: Even in defeat, he’s a smug cunt.
Carnell: One last thing, Supreme Commander. I must tell you this…
Sue: I really, really fancy you.
Carnell: You are undoubtedly the sexiest officer I have ever known.

This knocks Sue for six.

Sue: Did he really just say that? I… I… Have you spiked my tea, Neil?

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: Now that was more like it! It was insanely camp, but I really enjoyed it. I’m not sure about the new Travis but Servalan is always fun to watch. The direction and locations were pretty good, too, and even though the acting was all over the place, it was never boring. I like Blake’s 7 when the bad guys are actually involved in the plot. Yes, it was a bit silly, but I enjoyed that one.

8/10

Sue: And I love the idea that there’s another version of Blake running around the galaxy, having a nice life. I wonder if we’ll ever see him again…

Blog tagline: Travis 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Glen’s trailer: ‘I never knew that our Supreme Commander was French, did you?’

Comment: This is the first time Servalan’s name is mentioned in the show. And it’s pronounced wrong. – Ian Banks

B4: Horizon

Writer: Allan Prior
Director: Jonathan Wright Miller
Broadcast: 30 January 1979
Blogged: 14 March 2014

Me: The official Blake’s 7 fan club is called Horizon.
Sue: They must really like this one, then.

The episode begins with Vila and Jenna’s faces superimposed over some stars.

Sue: Eh? What was that in aid of? Is Vila dreaming this?

Our intrepid heroes are slowly falling apart. According to Cally, Vila’s stomach cramps and Avon’s back pain are the result of extreme stress.

Sue: I’m not convinced. Avon probably put his back out during a visit to the ship’s sex dungeon.

Basically, the crew need a holiday.

Sue: They need a decent plan of action. That’s what they need.

Vila is desperate for some rest and recuperation.

Sue: They should set up a table tennis table and a dartboard in one of the empty rooms on the ship. And then they should programme Zen and Orac to monitor the detectors. Take some time off. Chill out. Relax. I don’t see the problem.

As the crew contemplate a week off somewhere nice, a Federation freighter appears on their forward detectors.

Sue: They say there’s no rest for the wicked, and they are terrorists, so there you go.

The freighter is heading for a planet codenamed Horizon. Zen has no information on this planet at all.

Sue: No wonder Blake has a headache this week. Here’s a tip for you, Blake: ASK ORAC! You know, the computer that can see into the future and is supposed to be the answer to everything. He’s worth a million credits, for fuck’s sake!

Meanwhile, Orac is busy teaching Gan a thing or two.

Me: What do you think Orac is teaching Gan?
Sue: Anger management, probably. Actually, it could be anything. Knitting, cooking, cleaning… Where do you want me to start?

A visibly exasperated Jenna (who looks like Maid Marion crossed with Olivia Newton-John this week, according to Sue) detects something in their path.

Sue: Is that ship blowing smoke rings at them?

It’s a magnetic barrier. The Liberator flies straight through it.

Sue: Oh no! Gan is making his sex face again!

The magnetic bombardment exacerbates Vila’s stomach condition.

Sue: Vila’s suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He’s showing all the symptoms.
Me: What are you looking at me for?

Cally treats Vila with a special medicinal compound: one-third adrenalin, two-thirds soma.

Sue: One-third Gaviscon, two-thirds Buscopan is what he really needs. Actually, what Vila really needs is a poo.

Blake and Avon bicker over their next move.

Sue: They can’t go on like this. This has to come to a head sooner or later. There’ll be tears before bedtime.

When Blake says he wants to investigate Horizon, Zen informs him that the planet’s surface conditions are tolerable.

Sue: Yes, but does he need a coat? Come on Zen, be more specific, you useless piece of shit.

Jenna and Blake decide to have a good bitch about Avon before they teleport to Horizon. Blake expects Avon to run away with the Liberator in his absence. What he doesn’t expect is Avon walking in on him as he airs his suspicions in public.

Sue: Awkward.

Blake and Jenna teleport to Horizon.

Sue: The first thing they should say is: ‘Did he hear me? Do you think he heard me? What if he heard me?’ But they didn’t even acknowledge it. That isn’t very realistic.

The ruler of Horizon is a man named Ro.

Sue: It’s the Asian Rowan Atkinson. I had a red velvet jacket like that, although mine wasn’t as nice as his. His jacket is nicely tailored and mine was probably made out of velour.

Natives welding blowpipes attack Blake and Jenna.

Sue: Ooh, right in the bum! Nasty.

Vila knocks back a glass of green on the Liberator.

Sue: You should never mix drugs with alcohol, and that’s definitely crème de menthe. He plays a good drunk, though. Something tells me that the actor’s had a lot of practice.
Me: We’ve watched 16 and a half episodes of Blake’s 7 and you still don’t know the actors’ names, do you?
Sue: Well, there’s Paul Darrow and Gareth somebody. And… And… No, I don’t. Sorry.

When Cally offers to teleport to Horizon to check on Blake and Jenna, Gan successfully guilt trips Vila into going instead.

Sue: Eh? How is sending a pissed Vila better than the only person on the ship who knows how to look after herself. How sexist is that?

Avon is sitting this one out, whatever happens.

Avon: I am not expendable, I’m not stupid, and I’m not going.
Sue: I love it.

When Gan and Vila teleport to Horizon, Vila immediately gets into trouble.

Sue: Avon teleported Vila into that puddle on purpose. He couldn’t resist it.

And then, for a significant portion of the episode, Sue says absolutely nothing at all.

Sue: I’m trying to follow the plot. It’s quite interesting, but I know what’s going to happen. This guy will come good, Blake and his crew will have a nice holiday on this planet, and then they’ll all laugh down the camera lens at the end. You’ll see.

When Ro interrogates Blake, he learns that an old friend was on the same prison ship that took our heroes to Cygnus Alpha.

Sue: What are the chances of that? Did we ever meet him?
Me: No.
Sue: It must have happened during the missing months we never saw.

Two Kommissars from the Federation have been sent to pay Ro a visit. They don’t appear to care that Ro’s prisoner is currently on the Federation’s Most Wanted list.

Sue: Blake can’t be that famous, then. Which is strange because Vila made a big deal out of that at the beginning of the episode. Maybe Blake is a Z-list celebrity. Maybe everybody’s talking about Avon instead.

Blake’s crew are put to work in Horizon’s mines.

Sue: Great! A story set in a mine. This is just what I wanted to see. ARGH!

Blake immediately takes control of the miners’ rations.

Sue: Blake always has to be the boss. He’s a raving egomaniac. He’d be completely useless on Survivor. They always vote the know-it-all out first.

Cally teleports to Horizon and is captured almost immediately.

Sue: They are completely hopeless. They may as well teleport themselves straight into a prison cell.

The next time we see Vila and Blake, they’re both topless.

Me: There you go, Sue. Some eye-candy for you to feast on.
Sue: Don’t make me laugh! If I wanted to look at a pale, out-of-shape mess, I could stare at you. Oh, look! Blake’s got moobs.

When Ro interrogates Cally, she tells him that the Kommissar killed his father.

Sue: What’s really funny about this is he thinks she’s got these amazing telepathic powers, when in actual fact she just read this stuff off a piece of paper before she left the ship. That sums up Cally in a nutshell.

The Kommissars meet to discuss Ro’s suitability to rule Horizon.

Me: The assistant Kommissar is Elisabeth Sladen’s husband.

Sue: I didn’t know that Elisabeth Sladen was married to Ridley Scott.

The chief Kommissar is fully aware that Ro’s prisoners are the most sought after criminals in the galaxy.

Sue: Ah, so he did know about Blake, after all. If only I still cared. This is really slow, Neil.

Meanwhile, Avon is left with an important decision to make…

Sue: Avon won’t go. He’d soon get bored if he didn’t have someone to take the piss out of. Orac wouldn’t be half as much fun as Vila or Gan. There’s so much more for him to work with.

She pretends that it’s a foregone conclusion, but this doesn’t stop her from biting her nails as Avon considers his options.

Sue: Look, just call the show Avon and be done with it. I’ll be honest with you, Neil. If it wasn’t for Avon, I’d probably struggle with Blake’s 7. I think he’s great.
Me: Really? I never would have guessed.

With Federation pursuit ships heading his way, Avon finally decides to do the right thing.

Sue: I knew he wouldn’t leave. But it was fun to watch him think about it.

Avon teleports to Horizon.

Sue: Sometimes, Avon is the spitting-double of Pete Beale from EastEnders. The original Peter Beale, I mean. It’s uncanny.

Avon makes short work of the Federation’s security measures.

Sue: I thought he was going to blow the tip of his gun after he shot that guard. Avon’s so cool, he doesn’t need to bother with camouflage; he’s come here dressed as a giant bicycle reflector.

Avon almost shoots a half-naked Blake in the head by mistake. The expression on Avon’s face says it all.

Sue: He can’t take his eyes off Blake’s moobs.
Me: (as Avon) Aw right, Treacle?

Our heroes teleport to the Liberator.

Sue: Breathe in, Blake. Breathe in.

Back on Horizon, Ro’s lover urges him to do the right thing.

Sue: She looks like his twin sister. That’s really weird.
Me: They say you’re attracted to people who look like you.
Sue: God, I hope not. That would mean that I look like you.

Ro changes into a ceremonial dress and helmet, and then, with a little help from Blake, he kills the Kommissar with a blowpipe.

Sue: At least he’s got a nice chest.

Ro tells Blake that he’s welcome to visit Horizon any time.

Sue: Why would he ever go back there? It’s a dump!

The Federation’s pursuit ships are mere moments away.

Sue: Finally! Some action!

Blake holds firm and the enemy ships are destroyed by the planet’s magnetic barrier.

Sue: Well, that was an anti-climax. Thanks for that.
Vila: I’ll tell you this, though: it beats work.
Sue: Really? That was bloody hard work if you ask me.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was boring. It started well, and the scenes with Avon were great, but I knew what was going to happen. There were no surprises. And the guest actors didn’t do it for me. They were so dull. No, I didn’t like that one at all. I’m really sorry, Blake’s 7 fans, but ‘Horizon’ is shit.

3/10

Blog tagline: Flat as a pancake… (I can remember thinking ‘That’ll do’ as I posted it.)

Glen’s trailer: ‘I think Zone 9 is outside the Oyster Card zone.’

NOTES: I felt certain that the Horizon fan club would take Sue’s comments in the spirit they were intended, and they wouldn’t come back to bite her on her arse later on. No, definitely not.

One of Sue’s favourite TV shows is Survivor (now in its 29th season). I think she fancies Jeff Probst.

Comment: I have absolutely no memory of this episode, even though I saw it at the time, again when the VHS came out, then when the DVD came out, and then two days ago. – Jonathan Baldwin

B5: Pressure Point

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: George Spenton-Foster
Broadcast: 6 February 1979
Blogged: 18 March 2014

It doesn’t take long for this episode to squeeze Sue’s pressure point:

Sue: Oh no! Terry fucking Nation! Why, Neil? Why?

Resistance soldiers are being spied on from a cottage.

Sue: That’s quaint.

She quickly changes her tune when we enter the building.

Sue: Oh my God. What have the Space Vampires done to the place?

Her disappointment with the Federation’s restoration work only begins to dissipate once she realises that Travis and Servalan are in this episode.

Sue: Is Servalan on her way to Ascot?

Travis and Servalan are preparing to spring a trap on Blake. In fact, they’ve been waiting for him to turn up for the 18 days, now.

Sue: So Travis and Servalan have been cottaging for 18 days? I wonder how they passed the time…
Me: Stop it, Sue.
Sue: Poor Servalan. She can’t tilt her head back because her hat will hit the back of her collar. That must be really irritating.

The resistance soldiers are blown to bits in the Forbidden Zone.

Sue: That looked all right. In fact, that was pretty horrific.

Blake, meanwhile, is preparing to return to Earth.

Sue: Here we fucking go. It’s about bloody time.

Blake wants to locate Control, a computer complex that has been set up by the Federation to monitor the galaxy’s communications.

Sue: Oh no. Not another computer. Hasn’t Blake got enough computers already? What does he want another one for?

Blake wants to smash this particular computer to pieces, because its destruction will throw the Federation into chaos.

Sue: There are no words to describe how stupid Vila looks today.
Me: But you’ll have a go anyway.
Sue: He looks like a JCB driver who’s been interrupted as he’s taking his safety jacket off.
Me: Right…
Sue: Apart from that, this is a good start. A rest has done Terry the world of good.

Servalan and Travis can’t agree on the best way to spring their trap.

Sue: I like the direction in this episode: there are plenty of meaty close-ups. And this set must have been a nightmare to light. Everything is so white. No, it’s very good, this.

Blake wants to know if Avon will help him.

Sue: No chance. Just look at Avon’s body language. Arms folded, no eye contact -

Avon agrees.

Sue: Eh?

But Avon has an ulterior motive.

Sue: He wants the ship!

She guesses right.

Sue: Avon is even more handsome when he smiles.

Avon is utterly convinced that he’ll command the Liberator one day.

Sue: Ooh, you can cut the tension with a knife. I know it’s still early, but this is easily the best episode of Blake’s 7 so far. Don’t fuck it up, Terry.

The Liberator enters Earth’s orbit. As Jenna says, it’s been a long time.

Sue: Far too long. About eight episodes too long, actually.

Servalan has captured the resistance leader, Kasabi.

Sue: Bloody hell, she just pushed Servalan over. I think Servalan’s hat must have unbalanced her.

Back on the Liberator, the crew are waiting for Kasabi’s signal.

Sue: There’s more than enough room for them on that sofa if everyone budged up a bit. There’s no need for them to sit on the floor like that.

Travis uses a truth drug to extract the details of Kasabi’s rendezvous with Blake.

Sue: I’m actually impressed with Travis this week.

Servalan gives Travis a smack when he tries to stop her from killing Kasabi. Sue laughs.

Sue: And now I can’t take him seriously again.

But before she dies, Kasabi manages to put Servalan firmly in her place.

Sue: She wasn’t a very good actress. That scene could have been so much better, but you can’t blame Terry for that. The script is really good.

Blake prepares to teleport to Earth. He instructs Avon to put him down a mile away from Kasabi’s homing beacon, and when Avon suggests that’s because he doesn’t trust his new friends, Blake snaps back, quick as a flash:

Blake: I trust them the same way I trust you.
Sue: Blake’s people management skills are horrendous!

Blake teleports to Earth.

Sue: Could Avon put Blake down in a tree if he wanted to?

Blake takes cover in some bracken.

Sue: There he goes, crashing about the place like a baby elephant. And speaking of baby elephants…

Gan is down and safe.

Me: Have you noticed anything unusual about this episode yet?
Sue: It’s really good?
Me: What about the music?
Sue: There isn’t any. Good, isn’t it?

Blake and Gan enter an abandoned church, where they find Kasabi’s daughter, Veron. The girl drops her weapon and faints.

Sue: Was that supposed to be a toy gun? When it hit the floor, it sounded like it was made out of wood.

Back on the Liberator, Avon is worried that they aren’t being careful enough.

Sue: You wouldn’t get this half-cocked shit with Avon in charge. If Blake screws this up, Avon should make the crew vote for a new captain.

Gan treats Veron’s wounds.

Sue: Is it Gan’s turn to be the ship’s doctor? Was Orac teaching him First Aid last week? And where is Orac anyway? They never switch him on when it’s important.

Veron rests her head on the muddy floor of the church.

Sue: Teleport her back to the ship! Cally wouldn’t let her sleep on a church floor like that. Come on, Gan, that’s rubbish.

Avon and Vila prepare to teleport to Earth, even though Vila remains adamant that he doesn’t want to go.

Sue: Vila only really works as a character when he’s standing next to Avon. They work so well together. I could easily watch a show with just these two in it. And Avon really suits oxblood leather. Just saying.

Avon tests the Forbidden Zone’s security system. A field of automated mines stands between them and the entrance to a blockhouse.

Sue: Just teleport outside the door. Come on, it’s not rocket science.

Avon and Vila teleport to the church a split second before the Forbidden Zone erupts in an almighty explosion. Avon isn’t surprised to discover that Blake was lying when he told him that everything was fine.

Sue: Blake’s gone rogue. You can’t lie to your crew like that. That has to be the final straw. Bad Blake.

While Blake considers his next move, Veron leaves the church for some air.

Sue: Kids with guns - that’s not very nice. Either she isn’t who she says she is, or she’s a really bad actress. Or maybe she’s both…

Blake decides to alter his plan: they will teleport to the blockhouse door.

Sue: There you go! See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

However, before they can implement this plan, a gas grenade knocks everybody out. Veron removes their teleport bracelets and does a runner.

Sue: Why isn’t the gas affecting her? Is she a robot or something?

When Blake and his crew regain consciousness, they find themselves locked in the church with no means of escape.

Sue: They should put an extra bracelet on their ankles from now on – you know, for back up - so that never happens again. I bet they won’t, though.

Veron has been doing Servalan’s dirty work for her under duress, and when Travis violently assaults the young girl, Sue rises out of her chair in anger.

Sue: Cunt!

Servalan demands that Blake be brought to her immediately.

Sue: Servalan looks like she’s auditioning for a part in a Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special.

Gan uses his prodigious strength to open the church door.

Sue: Wow. Gan actually did something useful for a change. Will miracles never cease?

Travis arrives at the church, but Blake has already gone.

Sue: I’m sorry, but this Travis isn’t as good as the other one. This Travis is a bit silly.

Blake and his crew prepare to run to the blockhouse.

Sue: Fifty yards in eight seconds. That’s sounds easy enough, although Gan might struggle.

Blake successfully makes the first run. However, when Vila makes his dash, Gan suddenly decides to follow him.

Sue: That’s Gan dead, then.

Incredibly, Gan survives. However, when Avon races to the blockhouse, he trips and falls.

Sue: No! Avon! NO!

With a little help from Blake, Avon eventually makes it to the blockhouse in one piece.

Sue: Avon looked like an idiot, there. Vila should have been the one who fell over. Still, that was pretty exciting.

Our heroes find a ladder that descends into the bowels of the computer complex.

Sue: The set looks great. This is so much better than them running around a power station. This ladder makes the studio look enormous.

A few moments later, Blake’s crew descend another ladder, only this time the set has been bathed in an eerie red light.

Sue: OK, the ladder looks good, but it’s not that good. Actually, I should show this to my TV Studio students.
Me: To show them how imaginative lighting can maximise your sets when you’re working on a tight budget?
Sue: No, I thought they could do with a laugh.

The crew encounter an electrified floor. However, just when we think they’ll have to turn back, they notice some handrails on the ceiling above them.

Sue: Handy!

Unfortunately, one of the handrails snaps when Gan places his weight on it.

Sue: That’s Gan dead, then.

Incredibly, Gan survives.

And then the ladder makes another cameo.

Sue: I wonder which colour will be next. I’m going with green.

Sue is biting what’s left of her nails as Blake reaches his goal.

Blake: We’ve done it! We’ve done it! I’ve done it!
Sue: Interesting use of the word ‘I’ve’, there. Blake is a raving egomaniac.

But the room is empty. There’s nothing there. When Blake realises this, he collapses into Avon’s arms.

Sue: Blake has completely lost it. It’s time for Avon to take charge.

Travis arrives to explain the trap to Blake. It was all an illusion: if you give credibility to an empty room, the real thing becomes undetectable.

Sue: That’s clever. I didn’t guess that. I just assumed that the Federation’s security was rubbish.

Even Travis doesn’t know where the real Control is.

Sue: I bet Orac knows. Ask Orac.

And then Servalan turns up.

Sue: A dragonfly is tweaking Servalan’s nipples. I’ve seen it all, now.

But that’s the least of Servalan’s problems - Jenna has taken the Supreme Commander hostage.

Sue: Jenna may have out-smarted her, but she’ll never out-dress her.

Travis isn’t very happy with this turn of events.

Sue: Every. Single. Time. I almost feel sorry for him. And even though he isn’t as good as the other Travis, he does have a very nice arse.

Blake decides to make a run for it.

Sue: Don’t forget to shoot Travis and Servalan in the head on your way out. Oh, wait, too late.

Servalan slaps Travis. Hard.

Sue: Ooh, it’s all go this week!

Travis throws a strontium grenade at the escaping terrorists. And then Servalan and Travis run after it.

Sue: Don’t run towards the explosion, you idiots!

The roof comes crashing down.

Sue: That could have been directed a lot better. I didn’t really follow that. I thought it was Travis’s foot under that rubble for ages.

Incredibly, Gan doesn’t survive.

Sue: He can’t be dead. He looks fine to me.

As Gan slips away, Sue turns to me with a confused look.

Sue: Is Gan really dead?

She’s so shocked by this turn of events, she doesn’t notice that David Jackson is still breathing quite heavily in this scene, and I’m not going to be the one who tells her.

Sue: Oh, I’m not that bothered. It’s sad, but he didn’t do very much. He was the most expendable member of the crew. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. It’s still a bit of a shock, though. I didn’t expect them to go through with it.
Me: I believe the original plan was for Vila to die.
Sue: Oh no. That would have been awful. And why did they have to kill one of them, anyway? Was the wage bill spiralling out of control?

Travis and Servalan are trapped underground. Travis tells his boss not to worry – somebody will dig them out eventually.

Servalan: And then I’ll bury you!
Sue: What a brilliant line. Maybe Avon and Servalan should get together and -
Me: Stop it.

As the Liberator breaks orbit, Blake stares at Gan’s empty seat.

Sue: Gan bloody loved that chair. Blake will have to step down, now. He’s gone too far.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: Poor Gan. They didn’t turn the music off, and they didn’t play a sad version of the theme tune on the piano, either. That’s sad.

9/10

Sue: It was excellent - probably the best episode yet. I’m sorry I didn’t say very much towards the end – I was enjoying it too much. The acting was a bit dodgy at times, but the regulars were great, and the direction was excellent, too. I can’t believe that Terry Nation wrote that one. Well done, Terry. Why can’t they all be like that?

Blog tagline: Gan’s gan… (It’s only taken me 18 episodes to repeat myself.)

Glen’s trailer: ‘Is Travis’s eyepatch on the right way round?’

Comment: I prefer the original Travis’s arse. - Sooty

B6: Trial

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: Derek Martinus
Broadcast: 13 February 1979
Blogged: 21 March 2014

Sue: No Terry Nation this week, I see. That’s a shame.
Me: Are you feeling all right?
Sue: Oh look, it’s Servalan’s house!

The Supreme Commander’s space station is very busy today.

Me: Do you remember them?

I’m pointing at Bercol and Rotane, last seen in ‘Seek – Locate – Destroy’.

Sue: Vaguely. They’re the bad guys, I think. I definitely recognise this guard, though. What have I seen him in before?
Me: The Bill. It’s Tosh Lines.
Sue: So it is. He’s very good. I like the way we’re getting a different perspective on things with these two guards. I hope they stick with that. It’s different.
Me: I say, I say, do you recognise this guy?

I’m pointing at John Savident.

Sue: I feel like I’m attending a police identity parade. Yes, he’s famous. Just don’t ask me what’s he’s been in. I haven’t got a clue.

Sue is more Walford than Weatherfield, although having said that, she doesn’t remember Brian Croucher as Ted Hills in EastEnders, either. It must be the eyepatch.

Anyway, a trial is about to begin…

Sue: Are they going to charge Travis with incompetence, because he lets Blake escape ALL THE TIME?

Servalan briefs a woman named Thania about the case.

Sue: Servalan is looking very beautiful today. I’ve noticed that Federation women are very androgynous. Maybe these two are lesbian lovers and -

I can’t bring myself to type the rest.

Sue: The courtroom set is nice. The costumes are very striking, too. They’ve spent some money on this one.

Travis is charged with the murder of over one thousand unarmed civilians. The defence requests that the names of the victims be read out in court.

Sue: Oh no. This is going to be a fun episode.

Travis doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Sue: He looks like he’s going to have a power nap. I think I might join him.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator, Blake is knocking back the crème de menthe and bickering with Avon.

Sue: Is Blake still in charge? Has Avon taken over the ship yet?

Blake wants to teleport to an uninhabited planet for some serious me-time. Avon warns him that one of his three remaining followers will have to risk their lives to rescue him if he gets into trouble.

Sue: So we’re back to Blake’s 3 again? Brilliant!

When Blake gently places his hand on Avon’s shoulder, Sue starts shipping:

Sue: Get a room.
Me: Get a Livejournal account.
Zen: Status is firm.
Sue: Yeah, I bet it is.

Jenna walks onto the flight deck in a pair of tight leather trousers.

Sue: Blake’s 7 caters for everyone when it comes to bums in tight leather. However, if Vila starts wearing PVC, I’m out of here.

The crew on the flight deck can hear Blake chatting to Cally in the teleport room.

Sue: Why do they have a baby monitor on the ship?

Blake teleports to an unnamed planet.

Sue: Is this really the best time to go camping, Blake? And what’s in his man bag - a packed lunch? What the hell is going on, Neil?

Back on Servalan’s space station, Rontane and Bercol are discussing the Supreme Commander’s plan to have Travis executed so he can’t testify against her at an inquiry that’s been set up to investigate the Blake affair.

Bercol: A Presidential stay of execution so that Travers can give evidence?
Sue: Travers? Who the hell is Travers?
Bercol: Servalan picked Travers…
Sue: He said it again! First they can’t get his face right, and now they can’t get his name right.

Rotane believes that Servalan’s ambitions could threaten the Federation’s President.

Sue: Are they the President’s men?
Me: Yes.
Sue: What, all of them?
Me: That’s probably the worst joke you’ve ever made on this blog.
Sue: I’m sorry. I’m bored. When does this episode get going?

Blake has teleported to some undisclosed coordinates, which puzzles the Liberator’s crew. Vila wishes Gan could be there.

Avon: Oh, yes, of course. He would be able to work out exactly what was going on.
Sue: (laughing) That’s very cruel. Gan’s corpse isn’t even cold yet.

Blake has left a recorded message for his crew. In short, he’s given them an opportunity to abandon their leader on an alien planet if they really want to.

Sue: Blake is a terrible captain. He should hold regular team meetings for a start. He has to stop all this going-behind-their-backs nonsense. He’ll never earn their trust this way. Oh, and he’s a coward, too. He should have had this conversation ON THE SHIP!

Blake’s self-imposed exile begins with him being squirted in the face. Yes, really.

Sue: Is a plant is pissing in his face? Is he on Candid Camera?

Blake notices a strange creature hiding in the undergrowth.

Sue: What the hell was THAT? That was bloody weird…

Travis, meanwhile, is relaxing in his cell when Trooper Par (try saying that quickly) arrives bearing gifts.

Sue: Why has he brought Travis some Hugo Boss aftershave? Is he trying to tell him something?

Par has a soft spot for Travis. At least he can rely on the Space Commander not to get anyone killed unnecessarily.

Sue: Unlike some people I could mention. Oh look, here he is now.

Blake pursues a strange creature through a jungle.

Sue: This is beginning to get on my tits, Neil.

The creature unnerves Sue from the start.

Sue: What the hell is it? It’s a cross between Gollum, a chicken and a lizard. What a mess. This had better not be Gan’s replacement.

Meanwhile, on the Liberator…

Sue: THERE ARE TOO MANY PLOTS! This episode is jumping all over the place. Pick a story and tell it.
Me: Which of the three plots would you like to remove?
Sue: All of them.

The creature known as Zil educates Blake about the ways of the world.

Sue: I really can’t be arsed with this, Neil. This is dreadful.

Zil offers Blake something to eat: life.

Sue: Lice? No thanks!
Me: Not lice. Life.
Sue: I can’t understand a word she’s saying. It’s nonsense.

Zil becomes more and more distressed.

Sue: It’s Lady Ga Ga on a bad night out.

Avon has come up with a plan to save Blake from being eaten alive by the unnamed planet he’s gone camping on, but will Cally be able pull it off? If she cocks it up, Blake could be gone for good.

Sue: Look at Avon smile. He’s almost daring Cally to miss Blake on purpose. That way they can all fuck off and become millionaires.

The planet eats Zil alive.

Sue: Who cares? This is fucking dreadful. I’ve lost my patience with this.

Cally successfully teleports Blake back to the ship.

Sue: So what did that solve, exactly? It just proved once again that Blake is a hopeless, selfish leader. I don’t understand why Avon didn’t let the idiot die. He should demote him at the very least.

Back on the space station, Travis and Thania are arguing over who gets to make the opening declaration in his trial.

Sue: It’s really hard to take someone who looks like Alvin Stardust seriously.

Blake has scheduled a team meeting on the Liberator.

Sue: Maybe he learned a valuable lesson, after all.

Blake’s plan is very simple: a single strike on Servalan’s headquarters.

Sue: My mistake. He’s learned nowt. So who’s he going to get killed this week?

Travis addresses the courtroom with a damning defence of his actions.

Sue: Come on! Love-a-me too. Won’t you be my Coo Ca Choo?
Me: Eh?
Sue: It’s his black leather glove that does it.

Travis starts yelling and screaming.

Sue: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Federation ships approach the Liberator…

Sue: Here we go - some action. Finally!

But the ships sail right past them, thanks to a detector shield that’s been invented by Avon.

Sue: That pretty much sums up this episode. Nothing is happening. Absolutely nothing at all. Even Avon can’t save this. Come back Terry Nation, all is forgiven.

Servalan wants Travis dead.

Sue: Why don’t they just make a deal? They are obviously lovers, so why don’t they just get each other off?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sue: The charges, you idiot. And then they can have sex together.

Travis is sentenced to death.

Sue: I don’t believe this. Blake is going to save Travis’s life, isn’t he? The idiot! Actually, Travis would be a good replacement for Gan. In fact, I’m even more convinced it will happen. Blake’s got to get his numbers back up.

The Liberator fires on the space station, hitting the courtroom in the process. Travis jumps through a closing door and escapes.

Sue: Wow. His jumping is almost as subtle as his acting.

Blake orders Zen to get them the hell out of there.

Sue: What? WAIT! Come back and finish them off! Two more shots and they’ll all be dead. What are you doing?

Travis makes his way to Servalan’s office.

Sue: It’s all kicking off. Better late than never, I suppose.

Servalan tells Travis that he will have to continue his pursuit of Blake as an outlaw.

Sue: What a load of shit. They could have set that up in the first ten minutes. What a waste of an episode.

Back on the Liberator, Blake and Avon are talking about Zil. Avon wishes he’d met the philosophical flea.

Sue: I told you it was lice.

Blake and Avon laugh their heads off.

Sue sticks her fingers down her throat and retches.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: I hated that episode.

1/10

Me: Are you on crack?
Sue: It was rubbish! Don’t tell me you actually liked it, Neil.
Me: The bits with Travis were all right.
Sue: Are you on crack?
Me: Seriously, though. 1/10? Really?
Sue: It irritated me. Blake didn’t learn a damn thing, and this version of Travis is a complete joke. Even Avon bored me to tears. And as for all that crap with Lady Ga Ga. Forget it. I’ll give it a point for the costumes and the courtroom set, but that’s about it.
Me: Are you sure you’re feeling OK?

Here’s a picture of a kitten to take your mind off Sue’s score:

Blog tagline: Crimes Against Television…

Glen’s trailer: Glen, I say Glen, really likes this episode.

NOTES: Sometimes people can get it wrong. And sometimes they can get it spectacularly wrong.

Sue’s score for this episode, considered by many to be a highlight of Series B, myself included, baffled a lot of people. Again, myself included. So what went wrong?

In short, I did.

The thing is - and I know this is hard to believe - Sue wasn’t in the mood for Blake’s 7 that night. She’d had a lousy day at work, her tummy was playing up, and her mind was clearly on other things. So when I told her that the time had come to watch this episode, and she replied, ‘Only if we fucking have to’, I should have taken that as a sign and postponed it.

Sue denies that her mood had any bearing on her final score. She’s adamant that the episode was ‘utter shit – as simple as that.’ But then again, she would say that. I guess we’ll never know. But what I do know is that I picked my moments a little more carefully from now on. So if Sue felt tired, annoyed or distracted (and living with me she could be all three at once), I’d reschedule the screening for another time. In fact, I can safely say that we watched at least 75 percent of Blake’s 7 only when my wife told me it was time to put the next episode on. She didn’t care if I was tired, annoyed or distracted.

In other news, Jenna gave birth to five healthy kittens. I wanted to call them Alta-1, Alta-2, Alta-3, Alta-4 and Gan, but Sue put her foot down and we called them Margot, Barcode, Smokey, Boots and Gingernut instead.

Comment: Sue’s right - ‘Trial’ is shit. – James

B7: Killer

Writer: Robert Holmes
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 20 February 1979
Blogged: 25 March 2014

Sue: I never thought I’d say this, Neil, but the theme tune is probably my favourite part of the programme, now.

She likes it so much, she insists on singing it every time we sit down to watch an episode. She always loses it towards the end (she’s at least two octaves too high) but she’s getting better.

Sue: Ooh, Robert Holmes wrote this one. The odds on this episode being any good just shot through the roof.

Avon and Vila teleport to an alien planet with their backs to the camera.

Sue: How very odd. You’d never catch Captain Kirk doing that.

They find themselves on desolate, windswept beach.

Sue: They’ve teleported to Seal Sands.

A Q-Base looms out of the fog.

Sue: Yes. It’s definitely Seal Sands.

You have to live in our neck of the woods to get that reference. Sorry about that. Google it.

Avon and Vila sprint across the beach.

Sue: At least Blake and Avon have something in common: they both run like girls.

The Liberator’s crew detect an ancient spacecraft heading their way.

Sue: Haven’t they done this plot before? Mysterious ships like this are always bad news. Just shoot it out of the sky!

The Q-Base launches a spacecraft to intercept this derelict ship.

Sue: Good use of stock footage, there. I actually believed that.

It’s what’s residing inside the Q-Base that she can’t get her head around.

Sue: Why is the planet infested with leather cockroaches, Neil?

She doesn’t recognise Ronald Lacey, who’s playing a Federation technician named Tynus.

Me: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Remember?
Sue: No.
Me: You must remember. Played a Nazi. Burnt his hand. Face melted off at the end. The funny bit with the coat hanger. Toht?
Sue: Don’t tut at me. He looks like my first husband, if that’s any help.

Avon and Vila infiltrate the Q-Base, but before they go any further, Avon instructs Vila to don a protective cape.

Sue: It’s the sort of thing you might wear when you visit Niagara Falls. The only thing missing is a nice leather fisherman’s hat.

Tynus and Kerr Avon appear to be old friends.

Sue: Curly Avon? Was that his nickname at school?
Me: Kerr Avon. That’s his name. Don’t you remember?
Sue: Not really, no.

I remind her that the crew have forenames and surnames. Except for Cally, Zen, and Orac. She can’t understand why Jenna and Vila use their forenames while Blake and Avon strut around using their surnames.

Sue: It must be an ego thing.

But it’s June Hudson’s costumes that dominate the discussion.

Sue: The sound department must have had a nightmare with all this creaking leather on set. No wonder the actors are trying to stand as still as possible when they deliver their lines. And can you imagine going to the toilet in that?

When Tynus leaves the office, his cape smacks against the doorframe with a loud, leathery slap.

Sue: There had better be a good reason for wearing that.
Me: I think it’s supposed to protect you from something.
Sue: The only thing it would protect you from is having sex with another human being. It’s impossible to look attractive in that. Even Avon looks ridiculous in it, and he’s been known to dress as a lobster. It’s a shame because the script is very good. You’ve got Robert Holmes writing for Avon and Vila. You can’t go wrong with a combination like that.

Avon took the rap for Tynus when the Federation arrested him for fraud.

Sue: That’s the thing about Avon – he’s loyal. Even if he hated your guts, he’d still stand by you if he thought he owed you something. And that’s why Blake isn’t lying dead on an alien planet somewhere.

A doctor named Bellfriar puts the landing bay under quarantine after he receives an anonymous tip-off from Blake.

Sue: I’m sorry, Neil, but this is ridiculous. You can’t hear what they’re saying for all the squeaking and creaking. It’s really off-putting.

Avon and Vila have come to the Q-Base to steal a special crystal that will allow them to break the Federation’s new pulse code.

Sue: (as Avon) We’ve got this shit-hot computer that’s worth a million credits, but it’s completely useless when it comes to breaking codes. We can’t even take it back to the shop.
Me: Maybe Orac needs a special crystal to crack the code?
Sue: Fuck off! He can’t be that good if he needs a plug-in.

And speaking of plug-ins…

Sue: I don’t understand why Orac doesn’t have a simple on/off switch. That dongle they have to slot into him isn’t very practical; they’re bound to lose it one day.

Blake tells Jenna that he wants to teleport to the Q-Base, just in case.

Sue: There’s no sexual chemistry between Blake and Jenna at all. I’m really surprised by that.
Me: I’m relieved. Your shipping is bad enough as it is.

The derelict spaceship lands on Fosforon.

Sue: Either they are hosting a Formula 1 race, or the costume designer is taking the piss.
Me: June Hudson modelled these costumes on the Michelin Men on purpose, I think.
Sue: That doesn’t make it any better! The only way those costumes would make any sense is if the suits were filled with oxygen and that way… Oh, who am I kidding? They are fucking ridiculous!

The Michelin Men search the ship while Bellfriar observes their progress on a monitor back in his lab.

Sue: This reminds me of Aliens. Any minute now, the monitor will go black and somebody will scream. It’s way ahead of its time, this.

Tynus shows Avon and Vila the Q-Base’s A-line converter.

Sue: Just when I thought these costumes couldn’t get any worse, they put goggles on them. I bet the actors were straight on the phone to their agents when they turned up for work that morning.

Back in Tynus’s office, Vila helps himself to a refreshing drink.

Sue: That drinking fountain must be important. That’s the second time the director has lingered on that drinking fountain.

A decayed corpse is taken from the derelict ship to a quarantined laboratory for a post-mortem.

Me: You won’t believe this, but the guy doing the autopsy directed ‘The Tomb of the Cybermen’.
Sue: Really? I didn’t like that very much, did I?
Me: Don’t you remember all the insults and death threats we received that week? Oh how we laughed.
Sue: At least the Blake’s 7 fans don’t overreact.
Me: Yes, well. Anyway.
Sue: He’s a much better actor than he is a director. I bet this turns into The Thing.
Me: If we’re really lucky, it will turn into the dog from The Thing.

When Morris Barry turns his back, the corpse wakes up and attacks him.

Sue: That’s for ‘The Tomb of the Cybermen’, you bastard!

The corpse falls silent again.

Sue: So it’s basically a Space Mummy. They had Space Mummies on Doctor Who. Our shelves are littered with the bloody things. I mean, how many Space Mummies from Doctor Who do you actually need, Neil?

Avon is worried about sabotaging the base’s A-line converter.

Avon: I make one false move, I’ll be so crisped up, what’s left of me won’t fit into a sandwich.
Sue: Brilliant. Robert Holmes was born to write for Avon. This is great fun.

Avon and Vila discuss Blake’s altruistic nature.

Sue: They keep hinting that Avon is going to turn against Blake. It’s been bubbling away ever since they first met. It has to come to a head soon. But Avon’s loyal, you see. I don’t think he’ll do it.

Bellfriar and Blake discuss Morris Barry’s fate but, once again, the relentless squeaking and creaking is very distracting.

Sue: Did June Hudson think they were making a silent film?

Two technicians have died under mysterious circumstances.

Sue: It’s really good, this. It’s proper scary.

Avon and Vila head for the A-line converter while the rest of the base are preoccupied with a fire.

Sue: You have got to be joking. The fire brigade are dressed as fried eggs! Were they on their way back from a Fun Run? That trooper isn’t dying from smoke inhalation - he’s collapsed because he’s laughing too much and he can’t carry on.

Bellfriar has a deadly virus on his hands.

Sue: The disease is spreading through the drinking fountains. That must be it!

The virus attacks your memories.

Me: What’s Avon’s first name, Sue?
Sue: Er…
Me: I’m calling a doctor.

Vila discovers that Tynus has sent a message to the Federation. Avon is furious when he finds out.

Sue: Avon is going to kill the two-timing bastard. Excellent.

Blake suspects that the virus could be a form of germ warfare.

Sue: It’s a bloody good job that flatulence isn’t the first symptom of the virus, because this lot sound like they’re farting every time they move.

Blake offers a possible solution to the outbreak: they will switch on their advanced, top-of-the-range supercomputer.

Sue: They never use it because it’s a pain in the arse, but they’ve definitely got one.

Panic sweeps through the base. Tynus, who has enough on his plate with the A-line B-plot, is informed about the situation via a comlink. His men are falling like flies.

Me: They look like they’re auditioning for TISWAS when they croak it.

Avon retrieves the crystal, but he’s interrupted by the treacherous Tynus. However, with a little help from Vila, Avon manages to punch his old friend in the face.

Sue: Take that, Ian! You bastard!
Me: Ian?
Sue: My first husband.

Tynus stumbles into the A-line converter, which means he’s so crisped up, what’s left of him won’t fit into a sandwich.

Me: It’ll have to be a bloody big sandwich.
Sue: What?
Me: Nothing.

Bellfriar has come up with an antidote to the virus, but as he transmits the formula to the Liberator, something terrible happens: he forgets how to read.

Sue: What a brilliant twist.
Me: It reminds me of Pontypool.
Sue: Does it? I’ve never been there.

Bellfriar’s hands erupt in blisters and he dies.

Sue: Oh no. I really liked him. This is very bleak.

Blake wants to put a plague warning around Fosforon. Avon disagrees – if Servalan steps foot on the planet, she’ll be off their backs for good. Blake ignores Avon’s advice and does the decent thing instead.

Sue: I can’t believe I’m saying this, Neil, but I’m on Blake’s side this week.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: I really enjoyed that, but I’ll have to knock some marks off for the ridiculously impractical costumes. The direction wasn’t that great, either. However, the performances were very entertaining and the script was excellent. But of course it was. Robert Holmes wrote it. And Avon was front and centre this week, which is exactly where I like him.

8/10

Blog tagline: Squeaky Bum Time… (The footballing bug is really beginning to bite now.)

Glen’s trailer: Tynus’s Office anecdote.

NOTES: Sue gave ‘The Tomb of the Cyberman’ 4/10. I know.

If the ‘dog from The Thing‘ reference doesn’t make any sense to you, please watch Sue’s video commentary for ‘The Mind Robber’ (http://wifeinspace.com/the-mind-robber/).

I currently own six Mummies from Doctor Who, although I’m always on the lookout for more. They sit on my bookshelf, covered in a thin layer of dust, which is my attempt at verisimilitude, and has absolutely nothing to do with me being allergic to housework, or anything like that.

If you don’t know what TISWAS is, well, there’s no way I can explain to you here. But for a short while, this anarchic Saturday morning TV show was responsible for a ‘dance’ fad called the Dying Fly. There. Pretty self-explanatory, really.

Pontypool (2009) isn’t set in Wales.

I’ve never met Sue’s first husband, Ian. According to Sue, he never dusted, either.

Comment: It just seems silly to have a designer like June Hudson making HAZMAT suits. Of COURSE she’s going to make wildly eccentric things out of inexpensive materials. That’s what she does. - encyclops

B8: Hostage

Writer: Allan Prior
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 27 February 1979
Blogged: 4 April 2014

Federation pursuit ships have ambushed the Liberator.

Sue: Their ship has a massive design flaw. They have to run across the flight deck to reach the buttons they need to press. Why can’t Zen or Orac do that automatically? Avon nearly tripped over his own feet turning that force wall thingy on. At least he’s wearing a nice costume this week. It suits his personality, all those different shades of grey.
Me: STOP IT!

The Federation ships keep coming.

Sue: They look like the X-Wings from Star Wars.
Me: No, they don’t.

Avon suggests that they escape through a mass of ionised particles. Blake tells him to go for it.

Sue: Go for it? You’d never catch Jean-Luc Picard saying something like that.

When the plan appears to work, Blake congratulates Jenna.

Sue: Eh? What about Avon? It was his idea.

At which point Vila slopes off for a nice glass of relaxant.

Sue: So Vila’s basically a morphine addict now?

However, the pursuit ships are still on their tail.

Sue: What are Victoria Wood and a young Pat Butcher doing on that ship? That’s a bit mental.

The pursuit ship’s commander is extremely pleased with his new detector shield.

Sue: Is he the new Travis?
Me: No, they haven’t recast Travis again. The second eye kinda gives it away, Sue.
Sue: I know that. I’m not stupid. But since Travis turned out to be completely hopeless, have they employed another henchman to take over the role?
Me: It could be Travis’s two-eyed brother for all I know. I’ve never seen this episode before.

The pursuit ships prepare to engage the Liberator. Speed: Time Distort Ten.

Sue: Time distort ten? They must be going faster than the speed of light, then, which means they would have to break the time barrier. That makes sense, I guess.

Sue has been watching the new series of Cosmos. Can you tell? Anyway, the Liberator takes one hell of a beating.

Sue: So much for them having a shit-hot super-ship. For God’s sake, fight back! Fire a laser or something!

By some miracle, the Liberator manages to evade certain doom, even though the Federation commander thought he had them for sure.

Sue: Everyone except the scriptwriter thought that. I’m not impressed with Travis’s replacement. He’s just as hopeless as the other two.

Vila wants to know if Avon can fix their damaged detector shield.

Sue: They need a Space Halfords. So is this is the plot for this episode - them shopping for spare parts? I cannot wait.

Orac has a message for Blake. It’s from Travis, and he wants to talk.

Sue: Makes perfect sense to me.
Me: You actually trust him? But he’s a psychopath!
Sue: I know. He’d fit right in. I don’t trust him, though. He should join forces with Blake, but he won’t.

Travis has taken Blake’s cousin hostage. If Blake agrees to come to the planet Exbar, she has nothing to fear. But if Blake refuses to agree to their meeting, she dies.

Sue: I’m sorry, but his acting was atrocious, there. So hammy. Maybe Travis is the sort of person who feels self-conscious when he leaves an answer phone message, so he over-compensates.

Blake and Avon discuss Travis’s motives for getting in touch.

Sue: I want to believe him, but Avon’s right, you’d have to be mad to trust Travis.
Me: Threatening to kill Blake’s cousin if he doesn’t make friends with him isn’t the best way to go about forging an alliance, either.
Sue: And why is Jenna drinking Lenor?

Servalan, meanwhile, is punishing an underling for yet another cock-up.

Sue: She goes through henchmen like some women go through shoes.

Servalan knocks back a glass of green.

Sue: It’s all that crème de menthe she’s drinking. She isn’t thinking straight.

Servalan has a visitor. She welcomes him with a beaming smile.

Sue: Her teeth are green! She should stick to the gin.
Me: Do you recognise this guy?

I pause the DVD so Sue can get a good look at Kevin Stoney as Counsellor Joban.

Sue: He looks familiar.
Me: I’ll give you a clue: ‘Paaaaaacker!’
Sue: Oh yes, he’s very good. Does he become a regular character? That would be excellent.

Joban has some bad news for Servalan. Blake’s activities are becoming public knowledge and people are beginning to talk.

Sue: Space Twitter is a bitch.

Joban makes a veiled threat: sort Blake out, or else.

Sue: I could watch these two all day. That was a great scene.

Blake prepares to teleport to Exbar. Avon warns him that they’ll leave him there if he gets into trouble.

Sue: Did Gan die for nothing? It’s sad, really.

Blake makes contact with his Uncle Ushton. Sue doesn’t recognise John Abineri as Hagar the Horrible, which will annoy Toby Hadoke something rotten if he’s reading this.

Sue: The director has a foot fetish.

It’s true. Vere Lorrimer lingers on Ushton’s limping leg for what feels like an eternity.

Sue: Why is it that when they visit an alien planet, it always seems to be populated by two or three people at most. Where is everybody?

Back on the Liberator, Avon wants to teleport to Exbar.

Sue: (as Jenna) Let me finish this level of Candy Crush on my iPad, first.

Avon is down and safe.

Me: What do you think of their new silver spacesuits?
Sue: I’ve seen worse. However, if they stopped making new costumes every week, they could spend the money they saved on sets and extras. Just a thought.

Ushton leads Blake into a cosy cave.

Sue: Ooh, that’s a lovely bit of wood. I’d love a table like that.

Travis has employed Crimos (criminal psychopaths) to do his dirty work for him.

Sue: Aren’t Blake and his crew criminal psychopaths, technically speaking?
Me: It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

Avon arrives on Exbar, but instead of making contact with Blake, he decides to spy on him instead.

Sue: What is Avon playing at? Has he finally had enough? Is he going to use this opportunity to get rid of Blake once and for all?

Servalan is also en route to Exbar.

Sue: At least she’s travelling First Class.

And she’s in a hurry to get there.

Sue: Are their spaceships powered by steam? Because it sounds to me like they’re boiling a kettle when they distort time.

Vila joins Avon on Exbar. Avon warns him that they can’t trust Blake’s uncle because he used to have a limp but doesn’t any more.

Sue: It’s the plot that’s limp, love.

Vila is freezing to death.

Sue: Whatever happened to their Millets jackets - the ones with the fluffy hoods? Did the product placement deal expire or something?

Blake struggles to reach the top of a mountain.

Sue: This is just like Kilimanjaro, isn’t it, Neil?
Me: If Kilimanjaro was a small hill, yes, Sue.

A man in a gimp mask throws Blake back down the mountainside.

Sue: No, Blake, I am your father!
Me: So, you have a cousin!

When Blake is hauled before Travis, the disgraced Space Commander admits that he’s tired of being hunted by Servalan.

Sue: But it’s only been one episode!

Travis wants the Liberator – the most powerful ship in existence.

Sue: I wouldn’t bank on that. They were almost blown up ten minutes ago. It isn’t that good.

Avon is captured in a large net.

Sue: Oh dear. That’s humiliating. If you had to stick somebody in a net, it should have been Vila. At least it would have been funny.

Travis backhands Blake.

Sue: He’s so over-the-top. It’s unbelievable. How anybody kept a straight face is beyond me.

Travis interrogates Ushton. And then he tortures Blake’s cousin, Inga, so he can extract the information he so desperately needs.

Sue: She’s basically a cut-price Leela, isn’t she?

Ushton capitulates and tells Travis that Vila is the weakest member of Blake’s crew.

Sue: And Travis couldn’t work that out by himself? It isn’t rocket science!

So Travis interrogates Vila instead. He wants to know how the teleport bracelets work.

Travis: For the last time, tell us the word. The word. The word. THE WORD! THE WORD!
Sue: Grease! Grease is the word!
Vila: Teleport!
Sue: Pause the DVD.
Me: Confirmed.
Sue: Are you seriously telling me that they didn’t say the word ‘teleport’ when they were trying to get a teleport bracelet to work? That never even crossed their minds? I thought they were supposed to be smart.
Me: They got hung up on the word ‘energise’.
Sue: So what’s next? Travis waterboards Vila so he can find out what the capital of France is? It isn’t rocket science!

A Crimo teleports to the Liberator and takes Jenna by surprise.

Sue: And if that wasn’t bad enough, she’s got a bad case of bed head.

Avon tells Blake that he told Servalan where Travis was hiding.

Sue: What an idiot. That isn’t like Avon at all. Allan Prior doesn’t know how to write for Avon. That makes no sense at all.

Jenna and Cally overcome the Crimo by teleporting him into space.

Sue: They did that to Brian Blessed, once.
Me: Unless I’m very much mistaken, they just did it to him again. It’s the same effects shot.

When Travis learns that Inga has escaped, he practically explodes.

Sue: This has turned into a bloody pantomime, now. I can’t take him seriously any more.

As if to underline this point, Ushton manages to kick Travis down a small incline.

Sue: Now just shoot him in the head and put him out of his misery.

Ushton goes back for Blake and Avon, but when they return for Travis, he’s already gone.

Sue: Un-fucking-believable.

And then some stuff happens.

Sue: The direction is very poor. I can’t follow this. It’s a mess.

Blake, Avon and Ushton hurl some boulders at Travis.

Sue: And now it’s turned into The Goodies.

A fight kicks off.

Sue: Remind me, Neil, what do they pay Dudley Simpson for?

Even though there’s no incidental music, the Crimos keep on coming.

Sue: The director is losing light, and I’m losing the will to live.

A Crimo bounces down the mountainside.

Sue: It really is an episode of The Goodies!

When Travis is eventually overpowered, Blake decides to spare his life.

Sue: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Not again! YOU IDIOTS!

At least all the Crimos are dead.

Sue: The director definitely has a foot fetish. And speaking of boots, I bloody love Avon’s.

Inga turns down Blake’s offer to spend the rest of her life as a wanted terrorist. She tells him that the storage room contains enough food to feed every mouth on the planet.

Sue: All three of them. It’s basically two tins of beans.

Inga is so grateful, she kisses Blake on the lips.

Sue: Steady on, Blake. I think that’s incest.

Travis meets up with Servalan. When she asks him if Blake has escaped, he looks up at the stars and frowns.

Sue: It looks like the ship is hanging a few inches above his stupid head. The director should have been shot for that.

Jenna isn’t very happy with Blake, either.

Sue: Seriously, Blake. Incest?

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: I blame the director for cocking that up.
Me: It was a Travisty.
Sue: It started well, but it fell apart as soon as they reached the planet. Avon was completely out of character, the plot was flimsy, the direction was a joke, and Travis is doing my head in. No, I didn’t enjoy that one very much.

3/10

Blog tagline: Stockholm Syndrome…

Glen’s trailer: Graham Chapman spins in his grave.

NOTES: I took the liberty of re-editing the fight sequence in the style of The Goodies. It’s still available to view on the blog: http://www.thewifeandblake.com/hostage/

It’s entirely possible that this photo has exacerbated Sue’s disdain for Brian Croucher’s Travis. Oh well, what can you do?

Comment: In English law it isn’t technically incest. But it still comes under a special legal category known as “Eeeeeeeew!!!” - Doc Whom

B9: Countdown

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Vere Lorrimer
Broadcast: 6 March 1979
Blogged: 8 April 2014

Sue: Terry fucking Nation! No, wait… I liked Terry’s last episode. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

It’s all kicking off on the planet Albian.

Sue: This is a good start. Not only are there large explosions, they’ve paid for some extras to run around as well. Ouch! That must have hurt!

Major Provine reminds us of several people all at once. Sadly, none of them are Paul Shelley.

Sue: He’s an Elf from The Lord of the Rings.
Me: It’s Matthew Parris.
Sue: Who?
Me: No, wait. It’s Mark Heap.
Sue: Who?
Me: Or maybe an evil Spock, but without the beard.
Sue: No, he’s definitely Sheldon’s dad.
Me: Who?

The Federation have armed a device that spells certain doom for the planet’s inhabitants.

Sue: That’s probably the best action sequence I’ve seen in Blake’s 7 so far. Just when I thought the programme was incapable of exciting me any more, it comes up with that.

Rebels have entered the Federation base.

Sue: He’s famous.

It’s Tom Chadbon as the mercenary Del Grant.

Me: ‘Bye bye, Duggan!’ Does that ring any bells, Sue?
Sue: Oh yes. He likes to punch things.

Unfortunately, Del didn’t arrive in time to stop the countdown. He won the battle, but lost the war.

Sue: Well, that was a great start. I can’t complain about that. Terry’s back in charge and everything suddenly makes sense again.

The Liberator is currently in orbit around Albian. The planet has a population of approximately six million people.

Sue: And we won’t meet more than six of them.

Cally and Jenna settle on the best place to teleport their comrades.

Sue: What do Jenna and Cally actually do these days besides sit at that bloody desk? Are they glorified secretaries, now? I can’t remember the last time Jenna left the ship.

Blake wants Vila to accompany him to Albian. Vila says he hates being wanted.

Sue: (singing) ‘Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me, ahhh-ahhh-ahhhh!’
Me: Please, don’t.
Sue: They remind me of The Human League a bit. They’ve got two girls who do fuck all for a start.

When they arrive on Albian, Avon suggests that they proceed with caution, because it would be stupid if their own allies shot them.

Vila: Not only stupid, painful.

Sue sighs.

Me: What’s wrong?
Sue: Vila is a walking punchline again.
Me: I thought you’d warmed to Vila?
Sue: He’s one-dimensional. He only exists to crack jokes and act daft.
Me: That’s why I love him.
Sue: I need to see more depth from him. I want to take Vila seriously, but I can’t.

Our heroes discover a rocket silo with a retractable roof.

Sue: They’ve actually spent some money on this. I’m impressed.

Major Provine slaps a female rebel named Ralli into next week.

Sue: Has anyone ever been slapped into unconsciousness like that in real life? Or does it only ever happen on television? I can’t imagine anyone slapping me hard enough to knock me out like that. Although I bet there are plenty of people who’d like to try.
Me: Maybe she hit her head on the polystyrene cabinet as fell over?
Sue: It looked a bit pathetic to me.

The bomb’s countdown reaches 585.

Sue: Does this episode take place in real-time, like 24?
Me: I think so. I’ve never seen this episode before.

It dawned on me recently that the reason I don’t have any childhood memories of Series B is because I was living in New Zealand at the time.

Sue: But you’ve had these DVDs for ages, Neil.
Me: Erm, yes, well… I, erm…

Sue tries to convert the countdown into minutes and seconds, but she abandons that as soon as the characters start talking about the devastating effects of a Solium bomb. It wipes out the people, but it leaves the building intact. Furthermore, all that nasty radiation disappears in less than a day.

Sue: Terry Nation doesn’t understand how radiation works.
Me: I wouldn’t like to say. I’m no expert when it comes to radiation.
Sue: Neither is Terry Nation. Trust me. It’s bollocks.

Somebody will probably tell us that it’s entirely feasible later, but Sue isn’t convinced. Then again, she thinks snogging your first cousin’s face off is a bit weird, so what does she know?

Sue: Anyway, they should stop all this idle chitchat and they should concentrate on disarming the bomb. There isn’t enough urgency in this scene.

Major Provine throttles another rebel to death.

Sue: I’m surprised he didn’t slap him to death.
Me: Are you still going on about that slap?
Sue: It makes no sense to me. And you can’t say they did it to make the programme less violent, because there’s plenty of gratuitous violence in this episode already.
Me: I can’t believe you want to see a woman get punched in the face. It’s a bit of a turnaround.
Sue: He’s the bad guy. I expect that sort of thing from the bad guy.

When a rebel named Arrian catches Provine trying to escape in the rocket, the major bargains for his life. Thankfully, the rebel turns down his offer of a bribe.

Sue: Good for him. I thought he was going to go along with it for sure, so that was a nice twist. And I finally know who the bad guy reminds me of.
Me: Who?
Sue: Derek Nimmo.

Vila has cracked the Federation’s safe.

Me: See! Vila is important!

The safe explodes.

Sue: A parping trombone should accompany everything Vila says and does.

The safe contains several coded data cards. Blake wants to run them through Orac.

Sue: Just put Orac in charge of everything. The episodes would only last ten minutes, but that’s all right.

A semiconscious Ralli comes crawling into the room.

Sue: It must have been one hell of a slap, that’s all I’m saying.

Blake is still searching for Control and he believes that Major Provine knows where it is.

Sue: So they actually have a plan? A proper plan? OK, I can get behind that. They managed to keep it quiet, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction.

As luck would have it, Avon and Del Grant are old enemies.

Sue: This is a very tense scene. I’ve never seen Avon look so uptight.

Orac has traced the Solium bomb to one of Albian’s frozen poles. Avon and Del volunteer to teleport there and disarm it. Blake warns Del that if anything happens to Avon, he’ll come looking for him.

Sue: Aww. Blake really does love Avon, after all. That’s Blake’s best quality, you know.

Before they teleport to the planet, Avon gives Del a gun.

Sue: What are they going to shoot when they get there? Polar bears?

The mismatched pair teleport to the polar installation.

Sue: Someone has Blu-tacked a calculator to the wall to make the place look more futuristic, and they’re just about getting away with it. I like this episode. It’s quite tense. Plus it’s very easy to follow; the mission is straightforward and it actually makes sense. Come on, Terry, please don’t fuck this up.

Avon and Del search for the installation’s central heating system.

Sue: That’s right. Make yourselves comfortable before you disarm the bomb. There’s no rush.

Blake offers to teleport a few rebels off Albian if everything goes pear shaped.

Sue: Get Lesley Judd to knock up some more bracelets. And surely there must be some children they can save with the bracelets they have left in the time they still have. They could have saved dozens of people by now.

The ice is melting, although Sue manages to mistake the sound of dripping water for Dudley Simpson banging away on his bongos. Bless her.

Avon and Del remove the bomb from the ice.

Sue: Oh look, it’s Orac’s twin brother.

Del guides Avon through the wire-cutting phase:

Del: Right next. No, no, wait! I’m opposite you now. Left is the next in sequence. Your left.
Sue: Just say, ‘Cut the green wire’, you idiot!

Del thinks they should turn the heaters off.

Sue: You aren’t staying the night! Get a bloody move on!

Vila realises that Provine is in the rocket silo. However, despite asking Ralli for directions, it doesn’t take him long to become hopelessly lost.

Sue: This is me shopping in Ikea. I can actually relate to Vila in this scene.

Avon and Del get to work on the bomb.

Sue: Relations between these two are so frosty, I’m surprised anything is melting.

Avon tells Del everything he needs to know about Anna Grant.

Sue: Now there’s an episode I want to see. Poor Avon. And what a wonderful performance from Paul Darrow. It’s really good, this.
Avon: I need to hold this flap back. Get your hand in here.
Sue: If I were the sort of person who noticed sexual tension in scenes where it doesn’t actually exist, I’d have a field day with that.

She didn’t really say that. She had a bloody field day with it.

Me: Look, Vila is doing important stuff again!
Sue: He’s just running up and down a corridor. Any fool could do that.

Provine corners Blake in the rocket silo.

Sue: They should make this guy the new Travis. He’s scary and he gets things done. He’d be a brilliant arch-nemesis.

Vila arrives at the rocket silo as a gun goes off.

Sue: For a second there, I thought Blake was dead. That was cleverly done. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but it still managed to fool me.

When Blake interrogates the dying major, he learns that Control is now called Star One.

Sue: You’ve been to Star One, haven’t you, Neil?
Me: That’s impossible. No one knows where Star One is. No one at all.
Sue: It was a Blake’s 7 convention in a hotel in Stockton. You made me take you there in the car. And I had to pick you up again. Twice. It’s just off the A19.
Me: Star One becomes very important later on.
Sue: At least they’re actually aiming for something, I suppose. It makes for a nice change of pace. But they shouldn’t have killed Derek Nimmo. He was proper scary.

Back at the pole, Avon is preparing to drill into the bomb’s trigger mechanism.

Sue: The holes have already been drilled. This must be the second take and they ran out of plastic tubing.
Me: Maybe the drill is so quick it distorts time?
Sue: Or maybe the director is rubbish. What do you think?

Avon inserts a rod into the first chamber.

Sue: KER-PLUNK!

Another rod is slotted into place. And then Del runs off to take shelter from the ice water that’s raining down on him.

Sue: What worries him the most: keeping himself dry or saving the entire planet? Because I know what I’d be concentrating on right now. He was so much better in Doctor Who. Oh dear, the ceiling is coming down. It’s quite exciting, this.

Del is trapped behind a fallen girder. Avon volunteers to crawl over him to get to the bomb.

Sue: Just reach over and pick it up. The direction is completely at odds with the script, here.

Del believes that Avon should leave him there to die.

Sue: Tell you what, why don’t you chat about this AFTER YOU’VE DISARMED THE SODDING BOMB! ARGH!

Avon stops the countdown with a second to spare.

Sue: They should have stopped the countdown at 7 to remind us that this programme is called Blake’s 7. Or maybe 6 would have been more appropriate? Or is it 5? I can’t remember.

Avon helped Del because he was Anna’s brother.

Sue: Isn’t Avon lovely? I thought the other guy was Anna’s husband, so Avon isn’t a home-wrecker after all, which is nice. Unless he was Anna’s brother and her husband. It is Blake’s 7.

She’s joking. I think.

Later, on the Liberator, Del and Avon bid each other farewell.

Sue: He should come back later in the series. He’ll always have that bracelet, so you never know.

Before Del leaves, Avon shakes his hand.

Sue: Aww, that was sweet. I love Avon even more now.

Blake asks Avon to explain his relationship with Anna. Avon says he wouldn’t understand.

Sue: She isn’t related to you.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: I enjoyed that. It feels like we’re back on track again. I can’t believe I’m saying this but Terry Nation definitely writes the best episodes of Blake’s 7. The direction was bit rubbish – yet again – but the stunts were great. And Avon was fabulous. Oh, and Star One sounds exciting, too. Is Star One the title of the next episode?

8/10

Blog tagline: And maybe we’ll come back to Earth, who can tell? (These lyrics, from Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’, seemed to make some kind of sense at the time.)

Glen’s trailer: It’s a conundrum.

NOTES: Confession time: my Series 2 (sic) DVD box set was still in its cellophane wrapper when we started this blog.

The Star One convention took place in the same Stockton-on-Tees hotel where I upset Colin Baker and Sue almost killed Philip Hinchcliffe. Yes, I can’t believe that got cut from the book, either.

Thanks to a friend, who shall remain nameless, I published some edited highlights from Paul Darrow’s appearance on a 1979 edition of Ask Aspel on the blog (it’s still available to watch via my YouTube channel), which led to the following revelation from one of our readers:

Comment: I think my ex-husband sent in one of the questions to Paul Darrow. All this time and I never knew. – Katie C

B10: Voice from the Past

Writer: Roger Parkes
Director: George Spenton-Foster
Broadcast: 13 March 1979
Blogged: 11 April 2014

It’s yoga night on the Liberator.

Sue: What the fuck?

Blake has adopted the notoriously tricky ‘shitting crab’ position. Avon has put his back out.

Sue: Seriously, though, what the fuck is going on?

Cally is running an exercise class. Callynetics, probably.

Sue: Is Cally in charge of health and wellbeing on the ship? Have they finally given her a job title? Oh dear. And Avon needs to hold back on the mascara a bit. I know it’s 1979 but that is ridiculous.

Blake can hear a strange noise.

Sue: I’m not surprised with his arse stuck up in the air like that.

Blake manually adjusts the Liberator’s flight path, taking it away from a pleasure planet and towards an inhospitable asteroid.

Sue: They’ve traded paradise for a shit-hole. What a surprise. And why were they going to paradise in the first place? I thought they were supposed to be looking for Space One?
Me: Most people don’t know where Star One is. You can’t even say it properly.

The crew are perplexed by Blake’s behaviour.

Sue: Mutiny! Mutiny now, for God’s sake! Here’s your chance to get rid of the dangerous egomaniac once and for all. Jump him!

Blake struts around the Liberator like he owns the place.

Sue: You have to lead by example, and Blake is a loose cannon who needs putting down. I can’t believe that they named a television show after this loser.

Jenna thinks Blake might be sick.

Sue: He was complaining about hearing strange noises less than five minutes ago – SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Blake is having a nightmare. Literally.

Sue: The Federation must have put something in Blake’s head when they were setting him up as a child molester, and they’ve only just got it to work. That’s my best guess.

Avon agrees that it doesn’t make Blake the most dependable of leaders.

Sue: He’s damaged goods. Just drop him on the nearest planet. He’ll be OK.

Jenna lends Blake her brainwaves in an effort to break his conditioning. However, this goes awry and all hell breaks loose. So much so, Avon has to karate chop Blake – twice!

Sue: Avon’s wanted to do that for ages.

Vila rushes in to restore normality, whatever the hell that is.

Sue: Vila sounds like he’s their mother! That was hilarious.

Orac recommends that Blake undergo twenty-six courses of eradication therapy.

Sue: If we have to go through that another twenty-six times, I’ll be the one screaming.

Blake has definitely been interfered with.

Sue: Is this why Blake has been such an insufferable dick all this time? Have the Federation made him act like an idiot on purpose? That would explain a lot.

Blake is strapped to a chair (with a Stanley tape measure stuck to his head). And yet he still manages to convince Vila that Avon and Cally are the bad guys.

Sue: Vila is either really funny or really stupid. There’s no middle ground with him.

Blake is acting very strangely indeed.

Sue: Is he reading the script off a cue card?
Me: I think he’s supposed to look shifty in this scene.
Sue: I don’t think he can’t remember his lines.

Vila sends the Liberator back to Asteroid PK One-One-Eight.

Sue: Poor Zen. He doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Blake locks Avon, Jenna and Cally in the Liberator‘s yoga room.

Sue: Blake is basically Gan now, but with better hair. Is there anyone on this ship whose brain works properly?

Blake changes into a space suit.

Sue: Ooh, that’s a big helmet.
Me: I bet you say that to all the space terrorists.

Blake teleports to the asteroid.

Sue: He’s landed in a children’s painting.

And then she sings ‘Left Bank Two’. Honestly, she does.

Cally believes that a telepathic transmitter is controlling Blake.

Sue: If it isn’t Travis or Servalan operating it, I’ll eat my hat. There was a time when just the thought of Travis and Servalan appearing in an episode was exciting, but not any more. It always turns into a right shambles when they turn up.

Blake enters the asteroid’s living quarters. The lights and air supply have already been switched on. Back on the Liberator, Vila begins to panic.

Sue: Answer him, you twat!

An armed man with a beard escorts Blake to a one-eyed man with a bandaged head.

Sue: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

It’s Shivan.

Sue: He’s a mummy in a curtain!

And then the camera zooms in on:

Sue: Peter Gabriel!

Peter Gabriel is playing Ven Glynd, who framed Blake for child abuse way back in the first episode. Way back. Get it? Oh, please yourselves.

Me: Do you recognise him, Sue?
Sue: Yes, I think I vaguely remember him from the first episode.
Me: That’s probably because, even though they had to hire a different actor to play the part, they cast someone who looked exactly like him.
Sue: Did they really?
Me: Did they bollocks.

Vila releases his comrades from the yoga room. Cally wants to know why Vila let Blake escape.

Sue: To be fair, Avon and Cally have been known to flirt outrageously with each other, but Vila is still a bit of a dick for thinking the worst of them. They should drop Vila off on the nearest planet, too. He could keep Blake company.

Blake gives the crew a much-needed pep talk. He’s sick of them running, and he’s sick of their empty talk, too.

Sue: He’s right, you know. That’s basically Blake’s 7 in a nutshell: talk, talk, talk…
Me: At least they’re addressing the fact that their so-called crusade has been completely hopeless up to now.
Sue: That doesn’t really help the audience, though, does it? Saying ‘we’re shit and we know it’ doesn’t make it any less shit.

Ven Glynd claims to be a reformed character who’s gathering evidence to bring Servalan down, including her attempt to cheat the Federation out of one hundred million credits in return for the supercomputer Orac.

Sue: If Orac was really worth one hundred million credits, you’d think they’d use him a bit more. They just leave him in a box most of the time. They definitely aren’t getting value for money. He can’t even do yoga.

Servalan, meanwhile, is talking politics with Le Grand, Governor of the Outer Gaul region.

Sue: Le Grand is basically an attractive version of Princess Anne.

And then we cut to the Liberator, hanging around in space.

Sue: That’s a beautiful model. Just look at the detail on that. Why doesn’t the ship look like this all the time?

Sensing a trap, Avon asks Orac to verify Shivan’s identity. Orac can’t scan his voice, but the man does conform to records of size, weight and gender. When Avon asks the same question about Ven Glynd, Orac immediately confirms his identity.

Me: But he doesn’t look anything like him!
Sue: Shock the monkey tonight!

Shivan possesses the telepathic transmitter that controls Blake.

Sue: Is he supposed to be French or German?

She lasts another fifteen seconds before hysterical laughter takes over.

Sue: ‘Wanna buy some pegs, Dave? Dave? Is that Dave?’

I have to pause the DVD. She’s completely lost it.

Sue: Oh my God. I didn’t catch a word of that. You’ll have to play that scene again, Neil. God help us.

So we watch it again. And we still can’t understand it.

Sue: ‘Dave!’

She’s gone again.

Le Grand arrives on the Liberator via a shuttlecraft. She tells Blake that the next leader of Earth must have a messiah complex. Blake thinks she’s talking about Shivan.

Sue: Don’t make me laugh! The only thing he’s good for now is an advert for Injury Lawyers 4 U.

Le Grand wants Blake to lead them.

Sue: It’s obviously a trap, but it sounds plausible. If only Cally was telepathic, she’d know if they were telling the truth or not.

Blake, Shivan and Ven Glynd hold hands.

Le Grand: The triumvirate, my friends!
Sue: Shock the Monkey. Hey! Hey!

Glynd and Le Grand will formally indict Space Command at a governors’ conference on the planet Atlay.

Sue: I know this is a trap – it’s obvious - but I want it to be true. It’s quite tense, this.

As the shuttle docks at Atlay’s conference centre, Sue hums the theme to Thunderbirds.

Sue: That model looks pretty good, but they aren’t half dragging this out.

Le Grand and Ven Glynd disembark at the conference centre.

Sue: They’ve checked into a cheap conference hotel and now they’re wondering the same thing: where’s the swimming pool? And is there a Jacuzzi?

Back on the Liberator, the man with the beard is knifed in the back.

Sue: That was incredibly realistic. Sometimes, this is the most realistic science fiction programme I’ve ever seen, and then you get rubbish like this!

She’s pointing at Shivan, who was Travis all the time.

Sue: I knew it! I bloody knew it was Travis!
Me: No, you didn’t.
Sue: I knew it was a trap. It was so obvious. But I’m disappointed. I wanted Blake to join the rebels. It would have given him something to do. Bloody Servalan.

Le Grand and Ven Glynd enter an empty auditorium.

Sue: Does this remind you of the university lectures you used to give on Monday mornings?
Me: Yes. And some of them were about Blake’s 7.
Sue: No wonder the turnout was so poor.

Servalan’s face appears on a cinema screen. It turns out that Ven Glynd really was a traitor to the Federation, after all.

Sue: Shock the fucking monkey! I did not see that coming.

Federation guards murder Le Grand in cold blood.

Sue: Execution by art installation.

Jenna and Blake escape to an anteroom with a wounded Ven Glynd in tow.

Sue: (singing) ‘Don’t give up. You’re not beaten yet. Don’t give up. I know you can make it good…’

Jenna struggles to place a teleport bracelet on Blake’s wrist.

Sue: Stick it on his ankle!

Travis teleports to the anteroom and Ven Glynd attacks him.

Me: I bet he wishes he had a sledgehammer.
Sue: Stop it, Neil.

Back on the Liberator, Avon finally smashes the telepathic control unit, which gets a big laugh from Sue, and then Travis roars as Blake and Jenna escape from his evil clutches. Yes, he actually roars.

When Blake returns to the Liberator, he don’t remember, he can’t recall, he has no memory of anything at all. Hey! Hey!

And then he reminds everybody that they’re supposed to be looking for Star One.

Sue: That’s right, Blake. Rub it in.

Cue credits.

The Score

Sue: That was frustrating. The plot with the Federation traitors was excellent; it kept me guessing right to the end. I really liked the political bits, too; the scene in the cinema was very creepy. But all that nonsense with Travis was ridiculous. But it was so ridiculous I actually enjoyed it. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in ages. And the direction was a lot better this week, too. There’s probably a great episode struggling to get out of that mess. And if the next episode isn’t called Star One, I will have to kill you, Neil.

6/10

Blog tagline: I’ve kicked the habit, shed my skin…

Glen’s trailer: Severlon.

NOTES: If you don’t possess a working knowledge of Peter Gabriel, you can forget it.

I can’t take credit for the Callynetics joke. I stole that from a blog comment left by someone called Supersynths.

‘Left Bank Two’ is, of course, the Vision On Gallery theme.

Comment: Travis pretending to be Shivan makes Bane in The Dark Knight Rises sound like a Received Pronunciation handbook. – Mark Taylor

B11: Gambit

Writer: Robert Holmes
Director: George Spenton-Foster
Broadcast: 20 March 1979
Blogged: 16 April 2014

I wanted Sue’s brother to watch this episode with us.

Gary: I don’t even know what Blake’s 7 is. And after what happened last time with Doctor Who, I think I’ll give it a miss.
Sue: Oh, go on, Gary. You might enjoy it. And if we’re really lucky, we’ll get to see a man with a pert bum in tight leather trousers.

He’s definitely tempted.

Gary: No thanks. I’m off to the Bingo.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

Sue: So, is this episode set in a gentlemen’s club in Soho? What time do the strippers come on?

There’s a lot for Sue to take in, although Robert Holmes’ name in the titles has cushioned the jolt a bit.

Sue: So we’ve got an elderly Patrick Troughton, Travis in a cowboy hat and 1940s gangsters. It’s different - I’ll definitely give it that.

Blake, Cally and Jenna prepare to teleport to Freedom City, where the grass isn’t green and the girls ain’t pretty.

Sue: Cally is dressed as a Princess Leia this week; Jenna looks like she’s going to a funeral.

Our heroes are searching for a cyber surgeon named Docholli - the only person alive who knows where Star One is.

Sue: If Star One isn’t in this episode, Neil, I won’t be very happy. Has anybody asked Orac where Star One is yet?
Me: I already told you: nobody knows where Star One is. No one at all!
Sue: That’s a bit silly. What if it breaks down? Where do they send the plumbers?

Freedom City’s floorshow is about to start. I brace myself.

Sue: She’s Bette Davies meets Fanny Craddock on Britain’s Got Talent. I love her glamorous walking stick. I would definitely put her through to the live finals.

The Croupier introduces the main event: a game of skill against the undisputed Speed Chess champion - ZE KLUTE!

Sue: But he’s only twelve!

Servalan, meanwhile, is auditioning for a part in Eyes Wide Shut.

Sue: She’s got a lovely figure but she could do with a space bra. And she’s sitting on the Liberator‘s sofa. What are the chances of that?

Servalan is accompanied by a man named Jarriere, or - if you happen to be Sue - Leo Sayer meets Pinocchio. And then Krantor turns up.

Sue: Have you spiked my drink again, Neil?

Krantor runs Freedom City.

Sue: This is what Liberace would have looked like if he’d supported Newcastle United.

People flock to Freedom City because it lies outside the Federation’s jurisdiction.

Sue: Is Freedom City like Sun City, then?
Me: Well, it isn’t a queen-free zone, if that’s what you mean.

While Krantor and Servalan hatch a nefarious plan, I notice that Sue’s jaw is still resting on the floor.

Sue: The set is so tacky. I can’t take my eyes off it. It reminds of The Generation Game. This scene will be repeated in a minute, but Brucie will play Liberace’s part and a grandmother from Rotherham will play Servalan. Just you wait and see.

When Servalan leaves, Krantor reveals his plan to his assistant, Toise.

Sue: Well, this isn’t camp at all.
Me: It’s probably the campest thing ever broadcast on British television. ‘Gambit’ makes Are You Being Served? look like Threads.
Sue: What is he wearing on his head?
Me: That’s K9.
Sue: Did they melt him down?
Me: No, it’s John Leeson. You know, the actor who played K9.
Sue: Oh, thank God for that.

Back on the Liberator, Avon manages to convince Vila that robbing a casino would be a laugh, even though it’s their turn to sit around doing nothing in the teleport room all day.

Sue: That isn’t like Avon at all. That’s completely out of character. Avon would never be that stupid. Would he?

Orac claims that he can shrink himself down to the size of an iPod. Avon doesn’t believe him.

Sue: Join the club, love!

Orac shrinks himself down to the size of an iPod.

Sue: That is ridiculous. However, I’ll go along with it because a) he’s easier to dust and b) they can take Orac on missions with them now, which means he can be a proper member of the crew.
Me: And you can stick a pair of headphones in him and listen to Michael Bublé.

Travis is drowning his sorrows in a bar called The Rink.

Sue: My mum and dad met in a ballroom called The Rink. He spotted her at a table, walked over to her and said, ‘Are you dancing?’ When she stood up and said ‘Yes!’ he said, ‘Good, I can have your seat.’

Blake, Jenna and Cally head for Paradise City’s nightclub scene.

Sue: What’s with all the Christmas tinsel? Did they film this episode during the office party, because that would explain everything.
Me: It does look like a post-apocalyptic school disco.
Sue: I’ll tell you what, though. Cally suits this sexy new look of hers. She’s turning into a right space babe.

Meanwhile, back in the casino, Ze Klute faces a new challenger.

Sue: Oh, look - they’ve dragged Bill Oddie off the set of The Goodies.

Thrylce – yes, that’s his name – plays a mean game of chess.

Sue: I’ve just realised what this episode reminds me of.
Me: Ketamine?
Sue: No, The Hunger Games. OK, so it’s chess instead of running around a jungle shooting baboons with arrows – this is the BBC we’re talking about – but the costumes are very similar. They dress like pampered idiots in The Hunger Games, too.

Ze Klute beats Thrylce easily.

Sue: I’ve just remembered why chess isn’t an Olympic sport. I don’t care how fast you fucking play it, it’s still chess.

When Thrylce loses, he pays the ultimate price: death by electrocution, which means he vanishes in a puff of smoke. Obviously.

Sue: Have they hired Paul Daniels to do their executions for them? Because that looked like a magic trick to me.

Servalan discusses her plan to stitch Krantor up like a kipper with Jarriere.

Sue: They are simply summarising the plot. I’m waiting for Servalan to pull out a wall chart.

And Krantor can’t be that bad because he owns a cat. Oh, wait…

Sue: That cat does not want to be there. He’s clutching it so tightly, he’s probably bruised the poor thing. I’d call the RSPCA if it wasn’t already dead.

When Travis describes Servalan’s companion as a ‘powder puff’, Sue raises her eyebrows.

Sue: That’s a bit harsh. And besides, Leo Sayer is the least camp thing in this. And that’s saying something.

Servalan and Travis have a very complicated relationship.

Sue: OK, I’m confused. Are Servalan and Travis working together or not? I can’t keep up. I’m sure they were shagging each other the other day. And where the hell is Blake? Has he got the week off?

Blake, Jenna and Cally finally make it to the bar.

Sue: Robert Holmes has definitely seen Star Wars, but instead of a bar filled with weird aliens, they’ve filled it with men dressed for a night in a sex dungeon. Now I know why you wanted Gary to watch this with us. It all makes sense now.

She’s nodding towards Krantor’s leather-clad assassin, Cevedic, who is asking the barkeeper, Chenie, for Kline/Docholli’s whereabouts. Look, it’s complicated. Anyway, Chenie says she doesn’t know where Kline is, but Cally knows she’s lying.

Sue: So Cally’s a mind reader now. You know, I get the distinct impression that Robert Holmes didn’t watch a lot of Blake’s 7 before he wrote this episode.

Vila tries his hand at the Big Wheel.

Sue: Oh dear. I was expecting a massive wheel on a wall, with flashing lights and fancy controls, but no. It’s just a tatty roulette wheel that’s seen better days. This is very disappointing. And cheap.

Chenie helps Docholli escape from Freedom City.

Sue: There’s a strong Western vibe to this. It feels like we’re watching a cheap, ultra-camp version of Firefly. The surgeon is basically a geriatric Han Solo. Or Indiana Jones’s dad, perhaps. I like him. He’s definitely the best thing in this episode. I bet they kill him off.

Jenna and Cally are causing a scene back at the bar.

Sue: Are they pissed?
Cally: You slut!
Jenna: Ten-credit touch!
Sue: Because this is Blake’s 7, I thought that fight was real for a second. I wouldn’t put anything past Blake’s 7. It always feels like it could all kick off between them at any moment.

The fight is, of course, a distraction, which Blake uses to sneak into the back of the bar.

Sue: Is Cally smashing Jenna’s head against the wall outside? The sound effects are terrible!

Servalan and Jarriere meet for cocktails and a quick recap.

Sue: Leo Sayer’s job is to sit there and have the plot explained to him. And thank God for that, because the plot is all over the place and it needs explaining. But everything has ground to a halt again. And who the fuck is this guy anyway?

At least Vila is on a winning streak.

Sue: It’s not exactly Casino Royale.
Me: Actually, it does reminds me of Casino Royale, just not the one you’re thinking of.

Servalan plants a bomb in her ex-henchman’s arm.

Sue: I almost feel sorry for Travis. But he’s so inconsistent; it feels like we meet a new version of Travis every two or three episodes. This is the nice, misunderstood Travis.

Travis is furious when he discovers that his arm has been tampered with.

Sue: There’ll be hell to pay if Servalan’s interfered with his wanking hand.

Travis searches for the only man who can fix it: Docholli.

Sue: You should probably get your eye seen to while you’re at it.

Meanwhile, Blake, Jenna and Cally have retreated to the wedding reception from hell.

Sue: The irritating tinkly background music hasn’t gone away yet, even though they’ve left the bar. That’s weird. And really annoying.

Travis runs into Krantor’s leather-clad henchman and shoots him dead.

Sue: Aww. Wasn’t it nice of the bad guy to tell Travis everything he needed to know just before he died. That was so helpful. Thanks for that, mate.

Blake finds Docholli hiding in Freedom City’s loading bay. However, if Blake is hoping to extract Star One’s location from him, he’s going to be very disappointed.

At which point, Sue screams.

Meanwhile, back in the casino, Vila – with a little help from mini-Orac – has successfully conquered the Big Wheel. However, while he’s waiting for his winnings to be delivered to him, he stupidly agrees to gamble it on a game of Speed Chess against Ze Klute. This development takes Avon by surprise.

Sue: Forget Star One, I’d rather watch these two having stupid adventures together any day of the week.
Croupier: Les jeux sont fait!
Sue: The problem is, everyone is trying to out-camp each other. The director has lost control of the actors.

Docholli removes Travis’s robotic arm.

Sue: They’ve disarmed him.
Me: Very good, Sue.
Sue: He isn’t armed.
Me: Stop it, Sue.
Sue: He’s completely ‘armless.
Me: I hate you.

Travis snatches back his appendage.

Sue: Club Blake over the head with your arm! Go on, Travis. Sink even lower!

Travis expects Blake to kill him. He’s completely wrong, of course.

Sue: But he tries to kill you every other week. What does he have to do? Does he have to murder one of your friends? Oh, wait, he’s already done that. KILL HIM!

Vila manages to eek out a draw against Ze Klute, with a little help from Orac.

Sue: Orac can’t be that good if he can’t beat a twelve year-old boy at chess.
Me: He isn’t a boy! He’s Deep Roy!
Sue: What, the porn star?

Avon and Vila return to the Liberator with their ill-gotten gains.

Sue: Avon pretending to be innocent is very funny. I’ve never seen this side to Avon before. I think I like it.

Cue credits.

Sue: I could have watched a whole episode of Avon and Vila messing about together. The rest of it got on my nerves. Far too much talking and not enough action. The incidental music was horrendous, and once the shock of the costumes wore off, there wasn’t much else. Oh, and Blake has a soft spot for Travis. There, I’ve said it. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense. He obviously likes being stalked by him. It must turn him on. Either that or he’s got a death wish.

The Score

Sue: That was mental. I enjoyed bits of it, but there was far too much exposition. I mean, what did Blake actually do in that episode? I expected a lot more from Robert Holmes. It just didn’t feel like Blake’s 7 to me. God knows what Gary would have made of that. And now I bet we have to visit another person who doesn’t know where Star-bloody-One is. I’m right, aren’t I?

5/10

Blog tagline: Place your bets now…

Glen’s trailer: Poor Glen. His brilliant pastiche of ‘Wilkommen’ from Cabaret was completely ruined because he got the name of the city wrong (it’s Freedom City, not Space City, you berk), and the editor of the blog was too stupid to notice. Although to be fair, getting the word ‘freedom’ to scan would have been a nightmare.

NOTES: Gary never did watch any Blake’s 7 with us. He has, however, agreed to watch an episode of Lost in Space for the extras ebook, The Wife Versus Everything Else.

Comment: Jarriere is a sex god. Not to mention my favourite character in the whole 52 episodes. - Harriet

B12: The Keeper

Writer: Allan Prior
Director: Derek Martinus
Broadcast: 27 March 1979
Blogged: 18 April 2014

This week’s mission seems straightforward enough: steal a thong from a Goth. That’s because, according to Docholli, Lurgen’s brain print has been implanted in a thong that hangs around a chieftain’s neck.

Sue: It could be worse - the chief could be wearing his thong ‘you know where’.

This is all part of a much larger mission to find and destroy Star One, although Avon is beginning to have second thoughts about the destroying it part. According to him, if they controlled Star One, they could control everything.

Sue: They can barely run a spaceship so running a galaxy is probably beyond their capabilities. And just think of all the hours they’d have to put in.

Blake, Jenna and Vila prepare to teleport to the planet Goth. Cally tells them to watch out for noxious gases.

Sue: Put some bloody helmets on!

As soon as he arrives on the planet, Blake gulps down the air.

Sue: What is he playing at? Cally just told him that breathing the air would kill him. Blake’s definitely got a death wish.

The Goths emerge from their caves.

Sue: Oh no. I really hate medieval sci-fi. It really gets on my tits.
Me: You were a Goth once, weren’t you, Sue?
Sue: I was into The Sisters of Mercy for a couple of months in the early eighties, yes.

Back on the Liberator, Avon believes that he’s spotted Travis’s pursuit ship. Avon also believes that this is their one and only chance to finish him off for good.

Sue: Yeah, cos you’ve never an opportunity to kill him before, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance, because that would be stupid.

When Cally tries to persuade Avon to leave Travis alone, he barks the co-ordinates of the Federation ship back at her.

Sue: Someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning. At least the director knows what a focus pull is. That gives me some hope.

Blake’s gang are set upon by Goths.

Sue: Are you sure they’re Goths? They look like ZZ Top to me.
Me: They’re based on the Visigoths.
Sue: So they’re Goths from the planet Goth who just happen to look like Goths. Bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?

Vila almost avoids capture, but a rogue sneeze gives him away. Sue does her best impression of a parping trombone as the loveable thief falls into the barbarians’ hands.

Sue: It’s like Game of Thrones, but with fewer weddings.

Forget about that. Avon is about to kill Travis. Oh yes he is!

Sue: Yeah, right. Avon couldn’t even be bothered to check whether Travis was on the ship or not. For all he knows, a Space Vampire could have been flying that spaceship when it blew up. Don’t get me wrong - I want Travis dead as much as the next person, but he isn’t.

When Avon returns for his comrades, Blake teleports back to the ship alone. He’s stunned when Avon tells him that he killed his arch-nemesis for him.

Sue: (as Blake) But I loved Travis! I won’t be able to live without him following me around the galaxy in those tight leather trousers of his. Noooooo!
Me: Please, stop it.

On the planet Goth, chief Gola is being entertained by his fool.

Sue: Nice yurt.

And then a familiar face joins the chief.

Sue: Oh look, it’s Travis. The director didn’t even try to surprise us. Travis simply strolled into the wide shot. He didn’t even get a close-up - that’s how shocking this is.

And Travis isn’t working alone.

Sue: Right, so Servalan and Travis are at it again. One minute she wants to blow his arm off, the next minute she wants to blow -
Me: Stop it.

Travis attempts to contact his pursuit ship with the galaxy’s largest mobile phone.

Sue: I bet he can’t get Candy Crush Saga on that.

Travis has his sights firmly fixed on Star One, the computer control centre that controls the climate, communications, security and food production for the Federation.

Sue: Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. The Federation aren’t very bright, are they?

And then Sue makes a rather startling assessment:

Sue: When you think about it, Avon and Travis aren’t that different from each other. They both want the same thing at the end of the day. Actually, I think Avon and Servalan would make a great team. I could see them ruling the universe together. Yes, maybe they’ll team up and Blake will have to stop them. That’s what I’d do if I was in charge of Blake’s 7: I’d replace Travis with Avon. Simple.

Zen detects a Federation ship leaving Goth. Avon believes that Servalan must be on board.

Sue: Avon is bloody useless when it comes to the ‘guess who’s flying the ship’ game, isn’t he?

Avon tells Cally to intercept the ship, repeating exactly the same mistake he made a few moments ago.

Sue: He really doesn’t give a shit about Blake, does he?

Back on Goth, Blake manages to rescue a rival chieftain from certain death.

Sue: Bloody hell! Blake did something vaguely heroic for a change.

The rival chieftain is named Rod.

Sue: A Goth named Rodney! Now I’ve seen everything.

Gola attempts to impress Jenna with his warrior ways.

Sue: Does this guy get offered the jobs that Brian Blessed turns down?

I’m sad to report that Sue cheered when Gola slapped Vila across the face.

Sue: You made me dress as this jester, once.
Me: Erm…
Sue: You must remember. ‘Marco Polo’?
Me: Oh God, yes. The time I made you cosplay as Tutte Lemkow. You’ll never let me forget that, will you? I’ve said I’m sorry. Anyway, that isn’t Tutte Lemkow - it just looks like him.
Sue: Well, just so you know, I’m not dressing up as him as well.
Me: What about Jenna?
Sue: Don’t push it.

Jenna decides to spend some quality time with Gola’s sister, Tara.

Sue: At least Jenna managed to get off the ship for a few hours. True, she is about to be raped, but at least she got some fresh air, first. Actually, she didn’t even get that. Poor Jenna.
Tara: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ETC.
Sue: I’ll have what she’s having.

Gola wants to pair bond with Jenna, so Jenna lunges for his thong.

Sue: Just get him drunk, pinch his thong, and then teleport out of there. Job’s a good ‘un. But I’d get a move on if I were you - you don’t want to end up with the wrong thong.

Blake makes contact with a hysterical old man who’s been banged up in one of Gola’s cells.

Sue: It’s… It’s… It’s Monty Python!

Servalan threatens Gola with the full might of the Federation if he fails to cooperate with her, while Jenna and Vila watch helplessly from the sidelines.

Sue: Servalan didn’t bother to say hello to two of her greatest enemies. Either we’ve missed an important scene or the writer doesn’t give a shit about these characters.

The fool drops Vila in the shit and the poor sod is dragged to the cells.

Sue: His screams should be getting quieter as he leaves the set, but they’re getting louder and louder. He’s standing behind that flat, shouting. He’s giving me a headache.

Blake later finds Vila behind bars. Vila tells him that Jenna is currently busy pair bonding with the chief.

Blake: Good.
Sue: EH?

Could it be that Jenna has fallen for Gola’s charms?

Sue: She’s faking it. And it isn’t the only thing she’ll be faking tonight if this goes the way I think it’s going.

Gola’s sister delights in telling her brother that he’s destined to die.

Sue: She’s the best thing in this story by a mile.

Vila is released from the cells and told to act like a fool.

Sue: Vila’s found his true vocation in life. It’s as if this episode was made for him. Actually, do you know what this episode really needs?
Me: Tell me.
Sue: More Avon. Where the hell is he?

Rod and Gola fight to the death with spiky things on their hands.

Sue: Right, so you don’t stab anyone with that thing, you just point it at the other person and scream. Is that how it works? Because if it doesn’t work like that, this is shit.

The hand-held camera work is singled out for praise, but that’s about it.

Sue: The director is giving it a bloody good go, but the stunt choreography is a bit shit. And when did Blake decide to walk around with a dead fox draped over his shoulder? What’s that all about?

Gola wins the battle but he loses the war; his victory chalice has been laced with poison, and a visibly distraught Jenna rushes to his side as he slumps to the floor.

Sue: Why’s Jenna upset that the man who was about to rape her has just dropped dead? I thought she’d be relieved. That’s weird.

When Blake and Jenna discover that neither Rodney nor Gola are the eponymous Keeper, Tara says it’s probably their dad, who’s rotting away in a cell downstairs.

Tara: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ETC.

Blake reaches the old man, but he’s too late: Travis did a runner with Star One’s co-ordinates a long time ago.

Sue: Travis has outplayed them all. And Travis is shit, so what does that make Blake?

The old man is at death’s door.

Sue: That guy has been down there for years. If he dies the same day that Blake needs to speak to him, I won’t be happy.

The old man dies.

Sue: He was perfectly fine five minutes ago! That’s lazy scriptwriting. They didn’t even shoot him first.

But all is not lost - Lurgen implanted Star One’s co-ordinates in the fool’s brain.

Sue: But why would he give him the big secret if he didn’t want anybody to know about it? That’s just asking for trouble. I’m not convinced. It was just another way of stringing out yet another bloody episode.

Blake’s gang return to the Liberator with the information they need.

Sue: Quick! Write it down before you forget it.

Avon admits to Blake that he was getting ready to leave him.

Sue: I’m surprised Blake didn’t punch his lights out after everything Avon’s done today. Naughty Avon.

Cue credits.

Sue: What’s the next episode called, Neil?
Me: Star One, love.
Sue: Thank fuck for that.

The Score

Sue: It was all right, I suppose. Nothing much happened. Avon was hardly in it again. Blake was bloody useless again. They mentioned Star One a lot again. Do you want me to go on?
Me: Not really.
Sue: OK, so the old woman made me laugh, the direction was a little better than usual, Jenna got to leave the ship for a quick flirt, and Travis wasn’t in it long enough to annoy me. But at the end of the day, that episode was just filler. I can’t wait for Star One. Can we watch it now, please?
Me: No.

4/10

Blog tagline: Shine like thunder, cry like rain… (For any Goths reading this.)

Glen’s trailer: ‘Mr Fibuli!’

NOTES: Here’s Sue cosplaying as Tutte Lemkow (sorry, Sue):

Comment: I haven’t watched this one in years, cos it’s rubbish. - Este Ike

B13: Star One

Writer: Chris Boucher
Director: David Maloney (uncredited)
Broadcast: 3 April 1979
Blogged: 23 April 2014

Sue: This had better be good.

Yes, after weeks of teasing we are finally on our way to Star One. It says so in the title.

Sue: Thank fuck for that… Oh, I wanted Terry to come back for the season finale. I’m not sure about this Boucher guy.
Me: It’s pronounced Boucher.
Sue: Whatever.

The episode begins with a disaster in space. And that’s just the special effects.

Sue: I feel like I’m listening to the shipping forecast.

A passenger cruiser and a transport ship collide, killing thousands of innocent civilians in the process.

Sue: Oh dear, that was terrible. Have they run out of money?

When Servalan is briefed about the accident, she’s presented with some more bad news: climate control has gone disastrously wrong on all the Federation’s frontier worlds.

Sue: Every planet in the galaxy has been turned into a shithole. Not that we’ll ever be able to tell the difference. And how will they survive without their tropical fruit? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Star One could have gone tits up. But if that’s true, Servalan can’t send in any engineers to fix it.

Servalan: No one knows where Star One is! No one at all!
Me: Told you.
Sue: I knew this would happen. That’s one hell of a design flaw. Anyway, lots of people know where Star One is: Blake, Travis, that jaundiced jester. Everybody knows!

And then Sue has a brainwave.

Sue: I know what’s going to happen. Blake will fix Star One and save the Federation, because it’s either that or soaking wet planets, spaceships dropping out of the sky, and no pineapples. Blake will do the right thing for the wrong people. It’ll be ironic, just you wait and see.

Blake’s gang are still searching for Star One, because the coordinates they obtained last week aren’t precise enough.

Sue: Really? They sounded pretty precise to me. Don’t tell me that this is going to be another episode where they search for the bloody place. I bet the episode ends just as they find it. Typical!

Avon can’t wait for this to be over so he can finally free himself from Blake.

Sue: Bloody hell. This is a bit tense. And brilliant.

Blake wants to blow Star One up.

Sue: But won’t blowing up Star One make things even worse? What about the pineapples? He hasn’t thought this through.

But Blake won’t listen to reason. Winning’s the only way he can be sure he’s right.

Sue: What a twat. It’s always about him, isn’t it? He’s even worse than Servalan!

We cut to deep space, where a camera slowly pans right to reveal…

Sue: Star One! At last!
Me: That isn’t Star One.
Sue: Oh, it’s Servalan’s house. They had me going there for a second.

Servalan has a lot on her plate today. There’s a coup to organise for a start.

Sue: She’s gone rogue. Well, even more rogue than usual. She’s gone roguer.

Servalan believes that somebody is up to no good on Star One.

Sue: It’s obviously Travis. Hasn’t she worked that out yet? They mustn’t be speaking to each other this week.

Servalan is determined not to end up as a President of a ruined empire.

Sue: You can’t tell me that Maggie Thatcher didn’t watch Blake’s 7. Of course she bloody did!

Meanwhile, on Star One – yes, Star-bloody-One! – something has gone terribly wrong.

Sue: David Tennant’s ugly brother has been a very naughty boy by the look of it. And where’s Travis? He must be behind this.

At least she likes the look of Star One, which is a relief.

Sue: The sets are great. They actually spent some money on this place. It reminds me of the Big Brother house.

The Liberator approaches a planet orbiting a dying star.

Sue: The Liberator never looks the same twice. One minute it looks like it’s made from plastic, then wood, and now it looks like solid metal. I like the metal one.

Blake asks Cally to scan the area for anything unusual, just in case the Federation left a clue to the installation’s whereabouts.

Sue: You could always ask Orac. Just a thought.

Avon notices that the area has been seeded with antimatter mines, which have obviously been designed to keep any visitors from the nearby Andromeda galaxy at bay.

Sue: How would a minefield in space work, exactly? Couldn’t you just go around it? Or over it? Or under it, perhaps? Seems a bit odd to me.

Meanwhile, a Star One technician named Lurena suddenly realises that she is the lone survivor in a horrific battle against alien body snatchers.

Sue: How did the baddies know where Star One was? I bet it was Travis. He’s doing a Master and he’s working with the aliens. I bet they betray him. And if there really is a minefield around Star One, how did the aliens get in?

Jenna is worried that Blake might be rushing into things without thinking. Avon says Blake is too much of an idealist to think about anything at all.

Sue: I don’t think I’ve seen a programme undermine its lead character as much as this one does. It’s incredible, really.

Blake, Avon and Cally teleport to the nameless planet.

Sue: Oh look, it’s a shithole. Now there’s a surprise.

Blake and Jenna enter Star One, which is currently staffed by alien invaders.

Sue: It’s really good, this. Sorry, but I don’t know what else to say.

Jenna instructs Orac to operate the teleport.

Sue: Orac is a glorified doorman these days. What a waste.

The aliens mistake Blake for Travis, even though he doesn’t look anything like him.

Sue: Travis has this habit of not looking like Travis. You get used to it after a while.

Speaking of Travis, guess who’s skulking around outside the base? Go on! Guess!

Sue: Come on, Avon! Shoot him in the face! What are you waiting for? You wanted to do it last week and nothing’s changed. Stop chatting to him and kill him! Oh, it makes me so mad.
Avon: Talk or scream, Travis, the choice is yours.
Sue: He usually does both at the same time. It’s really annoying.

Lurena mistakes Avon for an alien and Travis escapes in the confusion. But not before he whacks Avon over the head with his Obi-Wan Kenobi cloak.

Sue: This is what happens when you don’t shoot Travis in the face! The next time you see him, SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE!

Avon shoots an alien impostor in the chest instead.

Me: It’s the GP from Jam.
Sue: I don’t even know what that means. Although he does look like he’s made from jam. Look at all that blood!

The alien reverts to its true form - a mushy puddle of snot. Avon thinks they’d be difficult to love.

Sue: Oh, I don’t know. If one of them took over Avon’s body, I think I’d manage.
Me: I am sitting right here, you know.

The alien invasion fleet enters the Liberator‘s detector range.

Me: Rumour has it that Terry Nation wanted the Daleks to be the aliens in this episode.
Sue: Really? That would have been brilliant. Terry was years ahead of his time to come up with a crossover idea like that. Terry could have been the 1970s Joss Whedon.

Travis shoots Blake with his finger.

Me: Blake’s dead.
Sue: Don’t be silly… Is he? Is he really?
Me: Yes. Avon takes over now.
Sue: Don’t be ridiculous. I wish!
Me: I’m not joking!
Sue: I don’t believe you. You can’t kill Blake. His name is in the title of the programme.

Blake is still lying motionless on the floor.

Me: See! He’s definitely dead. Sad, isn’t it?
Sue: Well, if he is dead – and I don’t think he is – I can’t say I’m bothered. And what a shit, pointless death. He couldn’t even die properly. Oh, and he isn’t dead, by the way.

The alien fleet moves closer.

Sue: Just think how much better this would be with the Daleks.
Me: You’re right. Some things could be better with the Daleks.
Sue: There’s no consistency to the design of these alien ships. It looks like a model maker has dumped a drawer of spare parts onto the floor. They’ve definitely run out of money.

Jenna warns Servalan about the impending alien invasion.

Sue: Is Jenna reading her lines off a cue card? I think she is, you know. And she’s doing it really badly, too. Oh dear.

And then Travis betrays humanity.

Sue: The mad cunt.

But wait! Travis is shot in the back!

Me: Oh look! Blake isn’t really dead.
Sue: I knew it! You can’t kill Blake. Vila, yes. But Blake? Definitely not.

Avon shoots Travis again and the leathered loon falls into the health and safety nightmare that takes up half the room.

Sue: He’ll be back.
Me: He won’t.
Sue: Yeah, like I’m going to believe you.

(When we watched the ‘Ballard Of Travis II’ extra on the DVD, and this scene was repeated in slow motion, Travis bleeds sand. Actual sand. This convinced Sue that this Travis isn’t the real Travis, after all. Bless her.)

She’s right about one thing, though: Blake must help the Federation before it’s too late.

Sue: I knew it. I can see where this is going, now. In the next series, Blake and Servalan will team up to kill the aliens. It’s so obvious.

There’s just one problem: Blake has already primed Star One to explode, which means Cally and Avon have to race around the base, gathering up the bombs while Sue runs out of nails to bite. However, when Lurena rushes off to disarm the final bomb, she can’t find the damn thing.

Sue: Blake could have been a bit more specific when he told her where to look. There are panels everywhere! Argh!

Lurena finds the bomb, just as the aliens find her.

Sue: If only those bombs came with an off-switch. What a shame.

KABOOM!

Sue: Now they’ll never taste another pineapple again. What a massive cock-up.

Avon decides that the Liberator will keep the invasion fleet occupied until the Federation’s reinforcements arrive, many hours from now.

Sue: Brilliant. I always knew that Avon would save the day. Avon is so cool. This is what I’ve been waiting for - a big fight in space. Yes!

Blake discharges himself from the medical unit to see if he can help. He can’t. But before he goes back to bed, he has a very important message for Avon: he always trusted him, from the very beginning.

Sue: Aww, that was really sweet. But Blake is still completely useless. Is he really so ill that he can’t sit there and press the odd button to help get them out of this mess? What a twat.

Vila turns down the lighting on the flight deck, which creates a nice and cozy ‘we’re all about to die’ ambience.

Sue: These aliens don’t look that threatening to me. The Liberator can take this lot. I mean, who are they?

Tension is etched into the faces of the crew. All except Cally. Cally looks bemused. Oh, and Blake. Blake is probably lying in bed somewhere, reading a magazine and eating grapes.

Avon: FIRE!

Cue credits.

Sue: No! Wait… But… What? You can’t end it there!

She’s stunned.

Sue: I’m not having that. Put the next episode on!
Me: No.

The Score

Sue: That was very good. Things seemed to happen for a change, the direction was pretty good, the sets looked great, and the actors didn’t annoy me. Oh, and Avon kicked arse. Big time. However, there were a few things that irritated me. Like, when did Travis find the time to organise this big alien invasion? And how did he find them? And why? That seemed a bit far-fetched and out-of-the-blue. One minute Blake’s fighting the Federation, and now this lot turn up. And the alien ships weren’t threatening enough. If they’d been Daleks, well, that would have been a different story. Now stick the next one on.
Me: No!

8/10

Blog tagline: It is a silly place… (Apologies to Monty Python.)

Glen’s trailer: Glen’s haunting tribute to David Bowie. The bit where he warbles ‘Let all the aliens invade’ still makes me laugh.

NOTES: Not only did David Cann play the demented GP in Jam, he also appeared in Sapphire and Steel, Grange Hill and EastEnders. Now that’s a CV.

Comment: What’s great about Travis getting shot is that, second time around, the stuntman throws himself into the vortex with such baffling force that Darrow visibly recoils in fright. – Robin Brown

Interlude B

These were the best seven questions asked by our readers when we reached the end of Series B:

Katie C: Can you tell us who your favourite characters in Blake’s 7 are from best to worst, and why?
Sue: Well, Avon’s number one.
Me: I think we all know why. So who’s number two?
Sue: The rest of them.
Me: Come on, Sue, play the game.

Sue gives it some serious thought while I make a pot of tea.

Sue: OK, I’ll put Blake second. He’s completely mad but at least he’s trying to get things done. I’d put Jenna third: she’s a bit bland, Cally fourth: bland, then Vila: stupid -
Me: WHAT?
Sue: And then Gan: dead and bland. I’d put Orac at the bottom. He’s completely useless.
Me: What about Zen?
Sue: Oh, I forgot about him. I’d probably put Zen third, behind Blake. He’s got more personality than the rest of them put together.
Paula: If they ever get round to the remake they’ve been threatening all these years, it’s likely they will add a love interest somewhere, so, as Sue is keen for everyone to get it on, which couple does she think would end up in the love story?
Sue: Blake and Jenna.
Me: Not a bizarre Blake, Jenna and Avon love triangle, then?
Sue: No. Avon is asexual. And he belongs to me.
Chris Allen: If you had discovered the location of Star One, would you: [a] Blow it up (Blake’s plan) [b] Use it to rule the Federation (Avon’s suggestion) [c] Use it to corner the market in tropical fruit?
Sue: I wouldn’t bother with Star One at all. I’d leave it well alone because it’s more trouble than it’s worth. I’d concentrate on clearing my name as a convicted child molester. That would be my number one priority. Everything else could wait.
Ann Worrall: If you had to live on one of the worlds Blake has visited, which one would you choose?
Sue: Oh God. They’re all shitholes, aren’t they? Earth, probably.
Me: Earth is a shithole as well, just in case you’ve forgotten.
Sue: Oh, I don’t know… The weird place with all the gambling.
Me: Space City or Freedom City?
Sue: Yeah, that’ll do.
Gareth Roberts: I sort of love Blake’s 7 more than Doctor Who because it feels more real and sexier, like a glamour soap. What are your thoughts on that?
Sue: Gareth, I think you’re mad.
Me: Don’t you think Blake’s 7 is a bit like Dallas in space?
Sue: It isn’t even Knots Landing in space. The theme music reminds me of Dynasty a bit, and Servalan could be played by Joan Collins, but apart from that, no, not really. Am I missing something?
Drew Simchik: Supposing Sue had Orac at her disposal in real life, what would she use him for?
Sue: Spotify.
Todd Beilby: What direction would you take the series, if you were in charge?
Sue: That’s easy. Blake’s had his chance and he’s blown it, so Avon should be put in charge of the ship. Blake will have to lump it.
Me: And what should Avon do next?
Sue: Kill Servalan.
Me: What about the alien invasion?
Sue: Oh, I expect them to sort that out in the first five minutes of the next episode.
Me: Anything else?
Sue: Yes, I’d probably kill Vila.
Me: WHAT?
Sue: I’ve tried to like him, I really have, but I don’t. He’s all right when he’s a punching bag for Avon, but his corny jokes are getting on my nerves. I’m not that keen on him. Sorry. Please stop looking at me like that, Neil.

Thanks to everyone who took part. Except Liberator X. There was no need for that, mate.

Me: Are you ready for the next series, Sue?
Sue: Do I have a choice?
Me: Not really.
Sue: I’m joking. I’m enjoying Blake’s 7 so far. Some of the episodes are a bit naff, but it’s hardly ever boring. As long as they don’t kill Avon, I’ll be fine. They don’t kill Avon, do they?

To be continued…

Sue’s Scores

The Way Back: It was all right, I suppose. – 7/10
Space Fall: That was even better than the last one. – 8/10
Cygnus Alpha: I’m sick of pretend medieval sci-fi. – 7/10
Time Squad: What a load of shit. – 3/10
The Web: Too stupid for words. – 1/10
Seek-Locate-Destroy: Avon did sod all again. – 5/10
Mission to Destiny: Please tell me that didn’t happen. – 3/10
Duel: Just let Douglas Camfield direct every episode. – 9/10
Project Avalon: They have to stop ending episodes like this. – 7/10
Breakdown: That was rubbish, but I enjoyed it. – 4/10
Bounty: An old man DJ-ing for half an hour. – 3/10
Deliverance: Terry was treading water. – 5/10
Orac: It was worth it just to see Avon smile. – 5/10
Redemption: Disappointing. – 4/10
Shadow: A step in the right direction. – 6/10
Weapon: Insanely camp. – 8/10
Horizon: Boring. – 3/10
Pressure Point: Probably the best episode yet. – 9/10
Trial: I hated this episode. – 1/10
Killer: Avon was front and centre, which is where I like him. – 8/10
Hostage: Travis is doing my head in. – 3/10
Countdown: Terry definitely writes the best episodes. – 8/10
Voice from the Past: Frustrating. – 6/10
Gambit: That was mental. – 5/10
The Keeper: Filler. – 4/10
Star One: I’m not having that. Put the next episode on! – 8/10

Sue Me Books

November 2014:

Adventures with the Wife and Blake
Volume 2: The Avon Years

January 2015:

The Wife in Space Versus Everything Else
(Kickstarter exclusive)

March 2015:

The Miserable Git: The Wife in Space Vol. 1
(pre-orders begins October 2014)