THE POMPOUS TORY:
THE WIFE IN SPACE VOLUME 3

by Neil and Sue Perryman

Copyright 2016 Neil and Sue Perryman

Published by Sue Me Books

Amazon Edition

Cover design by Andrew Orton

Illustrations by Graham Kibble-White

Doctor Who, the TARDIS, and all related concepts are copyright BBC Worldwide and are used under the principle of fair use.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Introduction

SEASON SEVEN

Spearhead from Space

Doctor Who and the Silurians

The Ambassadors of Death

Inferno

SEASON EIGHT

Terror of the Autons

The Mind of Evil

The Claws of Axos

Colony in Space

The Dæmons

SEASON NINE

Day of the Daleks

The Curse of Peladon

The Sea Devils

The Mutants

The Time Monster

SEASON TEN

The Three Doctors

Carnival of Monsters

Frontier in Space

Planet of the Daleks

The Green Death

SEASON ELEVEN

The Time Warrior

Invasion of the Dinosaurs

Death to the Daleks

The Monster of Peladon

Planet of the Spiders

The Pertwee Years

EXTRAS

Worzel Gummidge

Whodunnit?

Death of the Doctor

An Interview with Sue

Sue’s Scores

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book wouldn’t have been possible without the help and support of 400 Kickstarter backers, including:

Marc Abbs, Richard Abela, David H Adler, AGD, Barry Aldridge, Sean Alexander, Tristan Alfaro, Ashley J Allen, Lea Anderson, JB Anderton (WHO 37 Podcast), Lisa and Andrew, Annie, Jonathan Appleton, James ‘loves Gary’ Armstrong, Kelly and Chris Arthur, Simon Atkinson, Verity Bainbridge, Richard and Katharine Bairwell, Jonathan Baldwin, Neil Barker, Gordon Barr, David M Barsky, Katherine Bass, Gary Bates, Jamie Bave, Jamie Baverstock, Alex Beck, Ross Bennett, Steve Berry, Gary Best, James Bland, Mike Bond, Simon Booth, Robin Boswell, Wayne Boyle, Sean Patrick Brady, Dan Braidley, Chris Breach, David Brunt, Patrick Bryars, Huw Buchtmann, John Bunney, Girvan Burnside, Rebecca Burton, Alex Burton-Keeble, Heather C, Marc Cameron, Simon Castle, Virginia Cerezo, Ian Chambers, Cliff Chapman, Steve Churchill, Claire and Calum, Pete Clapham, Philip Clarke, David ‘Omega’ Clifford, Simon Cobon, John Collins, Baz and Louse Collins, Martin Collins, Nicholas Connor, Jason Crosby, Robert Crowder, Peter and Debs and Emily Cunnane, Simon Darnell, Mike Davey, Colin Davidson, Robert Dick, Tom Dickinson, Bob Dillon, Mat Dolphin, Dave Dorrell, Tim Drury, Patrick Duffy, Edgar Smaz’ Duncan, Chris Dunford-Kelk, Vivienne Dunstan, Larry and Eleanor Dyde, His Lord Thy God Paul Ebbs, Earl Ecklund III, T Scott Edwards, Stephen Ellis, David Embery, Paul Engelberg, Bill Evenson, Dr Simon Exton, Martin Fahey, Richard Fairweather, Alistair Fergusson, Brody Finney, Ben Follis, Bradley Forssman, Philip Fowler, (Neowhovian) Marcia Franklin, Aaron Funnell, George L Ganat, Kathryn Gatland, Dr Mark Gaworecki, Rob Gilbert, Benjamin Gilbert, David Gillespie and Chris Pratt, Michael Gilroy-Sinclair (Tin Dog Podcast), Sebastian Goettling, Jo Golding, Christine Tursky Gordon, Ed Gravett, John Paul Green, Ian Greenfield, Mateen Greenway, Gretta, John Grindrod, Ken Gross, James Hacker, Sarah Hadley, Andrew Hallam, Jon ‘Sev’ Halls, Derek Handley, Jamie Hardwick, Richard Hardy, Peter Harris, Simon Harries, Simon Hart, Stephen Hatcher, Mark Hayes, Nik Hayward, Scott Heald, Mark Healey, Rod Hedrick, Patrick David Helm, Iain Hepburn, Michael Hill, Matt Hills, Ant Hodgkinson, Chris ‘Greetings From Tomorrow’s World!’ Hughes, Jason Irving, Judith Jackson, Robert Jewell, Ian Jewkes, Dick ‘Jinxy’ Jillings, Barry Jobson, Mark John, Marcus Johnson, Richard Johnson, Gareth Johnstone, Jules Jones, Kevin Jordan, TM Jordan, Geoffrey Kahler, Martin Kay, Rachael Kedge, Martin J Kennaugh, Al Kennedy, Emma Kennedy, Kev, Justin Key, Kenneth Kidd, Matthew Kilburn, Nick Kirby, Vagelis Korais, Darren Kramble, Jonathan L Switzer, Ian Lambeth, Nick (icewarrior67) Lawton, Emmet LeBlanc, Paul Lenkic, Philip Lenton, Tracy Lister, Peter Lloyd, Molly Lofas, Sheila Lofthouse, Roderick T Long, Sean and Anthea Longmore, Tony Lyell, Charles M Paulsen, Dale Madin, John Magee, Grant Mainwaring, Laura Majerus, Richard Marklew, Andrew Marsden, Bill Marsh, Matthew Marshall-Nichols, Gareth Martland, Thomas Marwede, Vince Mascall, Ashley J Mason, Bat Masterson, Carson Maynard, Nick Mays, Ian McCann, Mark McCreadie, Elizabeth McCrone, James C McFetridge, Alistair McGown, Dan McGrath, Walter McIntosh, John McPheat, Richard McTighe, Nick Mellish, Mendou, Joe McIntyre and Simon Middleton, Tony Milton, Harriet Monkhouse, Alan Mordey, Dave Morgan, Dafydd Morris, Paul ‘Paul Morris’ Morris, Robert Morrison, Wendy Moss, Stefan Mueller, Mark Nickol, Gavin Noble, Paul Norman, Mark B Oliver, Chris Orton, Peter Ould, Simon P, Jon Padgett, Ed Pannett, Adam Parker @Pikmin, Steve Parker, Stephen Pasqua (Podcast Invasion Earth), Chris Lammy Binky Payne, Richard Payne, David Peat, Jeremy Phillips, Tim Phipps, Barry Platt, Jeremy Pluck, Erik Pollitt, pookie, Jake Priest, Adam J Purcell, Mikhaila Pye, Ian Radford, Viki Radford, Adam Redman, Edward Rees, Grant Reeves, Paul Rhodes, Denzell Richards, Al Robinson, Valerie Roebuck, Emily Rohde, David Rolinson, Josiah Rowe, Gary Ruddock, Damon S (from Australia), Andre Salles, Dave ‘Is It The Master?’ Sanders, Dr Neil Scotchmer, Frank Shailes, Matt Sharp, David Simon, Steve Smart, Billy Smart, Stewart Smith, Giles Smith, Ian C Smith, Andrew T Smith, Neil Smith, Paul Stapleton, Jamie Steel, Alan Stephen, Tony Stevens, Dave Stevens, Alan Strange, Paul Sutcliffe, Toby Edward Sutton-Long, Kevin Swinbanks, Nigel Tallis, Robert Taylor, Luke Temple, theMunted, Neil Thomas, Rhys Thompson, Nat Titman, Matt Treml (RtM), Steve Trimingham, John Trone, Jolyon Tuck, Marcin Uliński, Jason Ungate, Richard Unwin, Marie Vaughan, Andrew Waddington, Frank Wales, Stephen Walker, Andrew Ward, Phil Ware, Kevin West, Adam Westwood, Pete White, Mark ‘The Agreeable Tory’ Whiteman, David Whittam, Alex Wilcock and Richard Flowers, Dave Williams, John Williams, Steve A Williams (aka The Valeyard), Chris Winwood, John ‘the Rev. Mr Magister’ Wirenius, Andy Wixon, Joanne Wood, Jeremy N Young, James Young, David Young and Ewen Zimmermann.

Once again I’d like to thank Graham Kibble-White for editing, typesetting and illustrating this book, Jack Kibble-White for his invaluable assistance, Paul Cornell for his fabulous foreword, and Steven Schapansky for just being Steven Schapansky.

And finally, and most importantly, I’d like to thank Sue, Nicol and Gary. See. He isn’t so bad, really.

FOREWORD by PAUL CORNELL

Some of the best times I've had watching Doctor Who were when I was watching it with other people: The Five Doctors on broadcast with the Swindon Local Group of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society; Rose at Jeremy Bentham's launch party; The Eleventh Hour at an Eastercon. Having a crowd there, so you can hear the big beats of jokes and drama hitting, is amazing. But it's also a beautiful experience to share Doctor Who with one other person, who cares about it as much as you do.

But enough about my own situation. What about Neil and Sue?

You could say they represent the two audiences every Doctor Who episode plays to: the fan and the mainstream. Like those audiences in general, Neil is conflicted about what he wants, scared about what he's going to see, nervous about how Sue will react, and Sue surprises him by being erudite about the detail, (sometimes) remembering more than he thinks she will, and enjoying much the same stuff he does, but for different reasons. Although every now and then, tellingly, she'll love or hate something out of leftfield for reasons which seem obvious to anyone watching the series in a mainstream context, but which fan tradition has wallpapered over.

No wonder there's a certain faction of (ancient) fandom that hates her. She reminds them that their accumulated knowledge isn't the currency which buys the success of the show. In the wider world, Doctor Who succeeds or fails based on how much it pleases Sue.

My own relationship with the Jon Pertwee years is complicated. In the 1990s, I leapt on board the anti-Pertwee bandwagon because it was great fun, and a sacred cow that needed to be slaughtered in order to establish some new signifiers of what quality in Doctor Who actually was. We were ripping down that wallpaper, as it were. I did all that while at the same time befriending and adoring Terrance Dicks, the main architect of what I was railing against. I'd do it all over again. It was an awesome time creatively. The sacrifice worked.

Then, I found that, when I did my one episode a day watch-through of every story, I ended up enjoying Season 10, as a whole, more than any other. The shit aspects of Pertwee were still deeply shit (notably the character of the Doctor himself, who, of all the incarnations, would probably be the least fun to be in a lift or an organisation with), but there was also Malcolm Hulke, and Katy Manning, and, as always, Terrance.

I'd say I’d grown up, but I'd also say that fashion in critique is important, that the eternal quest of the Who fan to set everything, including opinion, as objective consensus is impossible and indeed evil, and that growing up is not the most important thing to do.

So, all in all, I love that Neil and Sue came to this point in their watch-through and found themselves just about having the revolution of the 1990s all over again, and called their collection of it by this title. Is it apt? Yeah. It may have been the intention that the Third Doctor is lying when he goes on about so and so at his club being in charge of the bureaucrat who's bothering him, but wouldn't the whole bit only work if the bureaucrat recognises the name of the senior official? Doesn't it play more like it's true? How odd is it to even have a Doctor where one thinks for a moment that it could be?

Here also is a Doctor who will extend a hand to an alien, like Roger Moore's James Bond might approach an exotic foreign meal. He's got one eye on earning liberal points for being a citizen of the cosmos, but the other eye is winking, saying yes, you Brits watching at home, isn't this absurd? As if!

Tom Baker's acting choices are the opposite of Pertwee's, a frustrated kicking away from the establishment, a dive into wholeheartedly being the creature whose hand one should worry about shaking.

It's the difference between the hippy movement and punk, really, at almost the same moment. You say you want a revolution, but...

It's interesting that, after all these years, I still feel those internal tensions enough to have made this introduction so serious. Who fans use the show as an index of who they are, they measure themselves with it. Because there's always a part of it that reflects them and parts of it that don't. To read Neil and Sue separating out what they like and what they don't is, for us fans, like having them walk down the spiral staircases into our insides and start mucking about with the controls.

Isn't that great?

Of course, what's interesting now is that these two have become a media series themselves. They have a fandom. We're it. We follow the smallest details of their lives. We have opinions about their guest cast. We critique their format. Myself, I'm thinking maybe the fashionable thing to do would be to say they're a tool of the establishment. They're almost certainly not as good as they used to be.

Paul Cornell

Gloucestershire, September 2015

INTRODUCTION

Thank you for buying this book. Big, isn’t it? Yes, War and Peace is technically thicker, I suppose, but if you pile all the Wife in Space paperbacks on top of each other... Well, I’m sure you’ll agree that the facts speak for themselves.

I still remember the excitement I felt when we reached this stage of our journey. Finally, after almost a year of wading through increasingly fragmented monochrome misadventures (I’m looking at you, Space Pirates), here I was about to introduce my wife to episodes of Doctor Who I enjoyed as a boy, episodes made in colour (including colours she’d never seen before), and episodes which existed in full and didn’t need to be imagined. This, I thought, is where the adventure truly begins. I even moved the blog to some dedicated webspace with its own domain name. That’s how excited I was.

Before I go any further, if you’re experiencing the blog for the first time via these books, you should probably stop reading this introduction now skip straight to Spearhead from Space before I ruin any surprises (assuming the book’s title hasn’t given one of them away already, of course).

Yes, it’s time to mention the elephant in the room: Sue didn’t like this Doctor very much. She didn’t like his attitude, his politics or his car. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive him for stealing Jo Grant’s sandwich, and if you thought looking like her mum might mitigate against some of his worst excesses, you’d be mistaken.

And yet the graphs don’t lie: Sue’s average score for the Third Doctor leaves the rest of them in the dust. Even the one she blatantly fancied doesn’t come anywhere close. In summary, it doesn’t get any better than this for Sue. Not only did she give her first 10 out 10 to a Pertwee story, she also fell head-over-heels in love with one of his co-stars (which was fantastic and couldn’t possibly lead to trouble later on). She even taught me to appreciate The Time Monster, which I didn’t think was possible, let alone likely.

Okay, she didn’t enjoy The Dæmons, The Monster of Peladon almost finished her off, and it didn’t take very long before the Master’s machinations got on her tits, but her enthusiasm for the programme never wavered once. Which is a lot more than you could say about me, especially in the middle of Colony in Space.

So, yes, the Third Doctor wasn’t our favourite by a long chalk, but we didn’t half enjoy watching him. Because for every patronising put-down and dodgy name-drop, there was always a penis in a shower curtain, a bad ladder angle, or Sergeant Benton in a nappy to compensate. And how could you possibly not love that?

Incidentally, I’m writing this flimsy excuse for an introduction five years to the day that I asked Sue if she’d be up for watching every episode of Doctor Who with me. Yes, five years later and I’m still writing about the consequences of that ridiculous conversation. Incredible, isn’t it? Until you realise it took Leo Tolstoy six years to write War and Peace. So who’s laughing now?

Neil Perryman
Hartlepool, January 2016

SEASON SEVEN

NOT FOR KIDS!

This illustration funded by Derek Handley

SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE

BLOGGED: 11 November 2011

EPISODE 1

Sue: So is that it, then? That’s the regeneration?
Me: No, this is the title sequence.
Sue: But it’s a massive spoiler. It ruins the Doctor’s big entrance. Oh no, not Robert Holmes again!

The action begins at a radar tracking station.

Sue: This is lovely. Although if I’d seen this in 1970, it would have been in black and white. We couldn’t afford a colour telly.
Me: I could turn the colour down, if you like.
Sue: No, please don’t.

A technician identifies a meteorite shower on his radar screen.

Sue: It looks great, but it sounds terrible. The acoustics are so bad, I can barely understand a word he’s saying. And this background hum would drive you crazy if you had to work there. No wonder this guy is sweating – he’s having a nervous breakdown. And he looks like James Blunt.

I tell her they shot this story on location on 16mm film, with hardly any preparation; I don’t tell her they did this to get around a BBC strike – she would have called them scabs and written the whole thing off. Anyway, she eventually agrees to cut the acoustics some slack, which is a good job too, because the sound in the next location is even worse!

Sue: (Pointing at Liz Shaw) Is she the new assistant? She looks like a spy.

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart asks Liz to join UNIT, a paramilitary organisation that’s been set up to tackle extraordinary situations.

Sue: Like Torchwood, only less gay?

Meanwhile, in a cottage hospital down the road, the director is doing everything he possibly can to hide the Doctor’s new face.

Sue: Why bother? We know what he looks like – his face is in the title sequence. You can’t miss it!

Sue adores the handheld camerawork in this episode – “It feels very modern” – and she can hardly believe her eyes when we suddenly track backwards down a very narrow corridor.

Sue: This looks like Das Boot! Who directed this?
Me: Derek Martinus.
Sue: He can come back again.

The Doctor wakes up and takes a good look at himself.

Sue: Yeah, I’d be disappointed if I were you, pet. Troughton was so much more attractive, although you had to concentrate quite hard to see that.
Me: We’re still watching an era of the programme where you weren’t supposed to fancy the Doctor.
Sue: Well, they’re certainly succeeding.
Me: Although a lot of women do find Jon Pertwee irresistible, apparently.
Sue: Now you’re just taking the piss.

The Doctor is mumbling incoherently about his shoes.

Sue: So has this Doctor got a shoe fetish, like the Second Doctor had a hat fetish? That could be interesting...

The Doctor is kidnapped. Even worse, Sue thinks she’s spotted a flaw with Spearhead’s hitherto impeccable production values.

Sue: The make-up on these extras is appalling. Look at their shiny faces! Obviously the make-up department weren’t used to working in colour. They needed more time to practice.

The Doctor manages to escape from his captors, even though he’s been bound and gagged and placed in a wheelchair.

Sue: You see, this is the problem I’m going to have with Jon Pertwee. He’s too silly. It’s going to be Benny Hill-style slapstick every week, isn’t it? The production values are great, and the direction is excellent, but it’s literally going downhill, now.

EPISODE 2

Sue: When Jon Pertwee’s head appears in the title sequence, it looks like Darth Vader’s helmet.

She tuts.

Sue: I think the real reason I didn’t watch Doctor Who when I was little is that it was on the BBC, which meant it was too posh for our house. We were an ITV family. We probably watched Randall and Hopkirk instead, because they weren’t so upper class. Everyone in this episode of Doctor Who sounds like they went to public school.
Me: Well, you’re middle class now, love, so you should be fine.

Liz doesn’t believe the Brigadier when he tells her that he’s thwarted alien incursions before.

Sue: It’s just like Mulder and Scully, this, but with even more sexual tension.
Me: What do you think of Liz?
Sue: I don’t like her.
Me: What’s wrong with her?
Sue: She’s too posh. I’m surprised she isn’t eating a cucumber sandwich as she drones on and on in that plummy accent of hers. I won’t be able to relate to her. I’m sorry.

Meanwhile a poacher named Sam Seeley has found (and kept) a mysterious sphere that crash-landed near his cottage at the beginning of the story.

Sue: Oh, it’s them!

It’s an Auton.

Sue: It’s the monsters from Christopher Eccleston’s first story. Rory turned into one; or one of them turned into him, I’m not entirely sure. Yes, I do remember them. They’re made from plastic.
Me: Do you remember what they’re called?
Sue: (Uncertain) The Deadly Dummies?
Me: Autons!
Sue: Okay, calm down.
Me: (Pointing at Sam and Meg Seeley) Well, at least there are some working class characters for you to relate to now.
Sue: Yes, their cobbles are very nice. But they’re not coming out of this very well, are they? This programme doesn’t seem to like working class people very much.

A surgeon arrives at the hospital in a red vintage roadster.

Sue: So does the Doctor steal this guy’s car? And does he cover his tracks by spray-painting it Daytona Yellow? What a jerk!

The Doctor takes a post-regenerative shower.

Me: Look, Sue! Naked Pertwee!
Sue: Sorry, but that really isn’t doing anything for me. Oh look, he has a tattoo.
Me: Fans have come up with plenty of theories to explain that.
Sue: Why can’t they just accept the fact that the actor has a tattoo?
Me: Because that would shatter their hermetically-sealed fictional universe. Look, let’s just say you had to explain the tattoo in the programme itself, what would you do?
Sue: I don’t know. Maybe it’s the mark of a Time Lord, or a Time Lord criminal. Something stupid like that.
Me: You see! You do think like a fan!

She decides to change the subject.

Sue: Why doesn’t the Doctor steal that nice MG Midget over there? It’s less conspicuous. Or maybe he’s trying to be like Steed in The Avengers. Or maybe he’s a fan of The Prisoner. He’s basically copying both of them.

An Auton causes a UNIT Land Rover to crash into a tree, and Sue is horrified when the camera peers through its blood-splattered windscreen.

Sue: That was too gruesome for kids, although it probably didn’t look that bad in black and white, so only rich kids with colour televisions would have been traumatised by it. So that’s okay.

The Doctor realises that the meteorites aren’t meteorites at all.

Sue: Okay, I admit it, I’m warming to him. He’s a lot nicer than I thought he would be. He’s got a certain charm.

Meanwhile a disgruntled plastics factory employee is scared out of his wits when a mannequin springs to life and walks up behind him.

Sue: That was scary. This is a walk in the park compared to some of the rubbish I’ve seen. Are they all as good as this, Neil? Watching Jon Pertwee’s stories could be a lot easier than I thought.

EPISODE 3

Sue: The Autons are lousy shots, but at least they can run. Is this the first time we’ve seen a monster in Doctor Who that doesn’t shamble about aimlessly? I’m impressed.

Ransome seeks refuge in a UNIT tent.

Sue: He’s sweating so much, he looks like he’s been swimming.

The Doctor asks Liz to retrieve the TARDIS key from the Brigadier.

Sue: The Doctor is a smooth operator; he has a calming voice, and Pertwee is taking the part very seriously. I think I like him. He definitely isn’t what I was expecting.

UNIT decide to interrogate Sam Seeley when he offers to sell them a “thunderbolt”.

Sue: If this was an episode of 24, they would have shot that poacher in the kneecaps by now.

As soon as the Doctor recovers the key to his TARDIS, he’s off like a shot.

Sue: So the Doctor legs it? I’m not sure how I feel about that. That’s the sort of thing William Hartnell would have done.

But the TARDIS won’t dematerialise and the Doctor is forced to evacuate its smoke-filled interior.

Sue: Does the Doctor dress like this all the time? It’s not very practical, is it? It’d be fine if he was going to a casino, but not much else.

Back at the cottage, Sam’s wife, Meg, is rummaging through her husband’s belongings.

Sue: She’s looking for his porn stash.

Sam admits that he’s been hiding an Auton sphere in his cottage, and the Doctor sets off to retrieve it.

Sue: Shouldn’t he ask him where he’s hidden it? Or does he have to search the whole cottage?

It doesn’t matter, because an Auton has beaten the Doctor to it.

Sue: Did that Auton just kill a dog? I’m not very happy about that!

Meg fires a shotgun at the alien, but the Auton isn’t fazed.

Sue: Shoot it in the head! Has she never seen a zombie film?

And then the episode concludes with an Army General answering the door to... himself.

Sue: That was a creepy cliffhanger. So is this the Autons’ plan, then? They’re going to take over the world one waxwork exhibit at a time? It’s going to take them ages.

EPISODE 4

Sue: I bet Madame Tussaud’s Civil Servant Exhibit went down a storm with the British public. Who needs Ghandi and Elvis when you’ve got a permanent undersecretary to gawp at?

The Autons are poised to infiltrate the highest echelons of society with an army of plastic replicas.

Sue: It’s a creepy idea. And it explains a lot. Like, why David Cameron looks so plastic.

But what really impresses Sue is the story’s pace.

Sue: It doesn’t mess about. This is why four-part stories are the perfect length for Doctor Who – there’s no padding. Are all the Jon Pertwee stories four parts?
Me: Not really, no.

Before she can dwell on this, Liz Shaw says, “I can hardly keep me eyes open”.

Sue: Her accent’s slipped. She’s not as posh as she likes to think she is. I’m starting to warm to her now.

Meanwhile homicidal shop window dummies are terrorising pedestrians in Ealing Broadway.

Sue: This must have terrified the kids. I bet this is why Russell did it again when he brought Doctor Who back; at least he could afford to break some glass. I like the way the Autons still have the price tags hanging off them as they massacre everyone. It’s a brilliant concept.

The Doctor heads for the plastics factory with a jerry-rigged contraption that will hopefully immobilise the Autons.

Sue: Is he still driving around in a stolen vehicle? The Doctor is a TWOCK-er!

The Doctor and Liz approach the Nestene incubator, but before they can zap the Consciousness, they are thwarted by a dodgy lead.

Sue: Just plug the cable back in, you dozy mare!

And then the Doctor fights a giant octopus.

Sue: Okay, this isn’t great. They’re showing too much of the monster, although it probably looked okay in black and white.

While the Doctor gurns for his life, Liz connects the lead into the machine and the Nestene Consciousness is destroyed.

Sue: Why didn’t he use the sonic? Doesn’t he have a setting for that yet?

Later, back at UNIT HQ, the Doctor and the Brigadier decide to formalise their relationship.

Sue: Come on, Doctor, show Liz inside your TARDIS. You can’t bang on about it and then not take her inside, you tease.

THE SCORE

Sue: That was wonderful. Good direction, a decent script (Robert Holmes has come on in leaps and bounds), and some of the performances were really nice, too. I’m going to give it:

10/10

Me: Oh dear, it’s all gone a bit Moonlighting.
Sue: It was four parts, it moved, and it was in colour. What more could a girl ask for? If all the Jon Pertwee stories are like this, we’ll be fine.

COMMENT: “10/10! It’s all downhill from here!” – Karl M

NOTES: Sue seemed to forget that an Auton murdered a dog in Episode 3, and she definitely would have marked the story down if her husband had bothered to remind her. Sadly, he was too busy punching the air to care.

DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS

BLOGGED: 16 November 2011

EPISODE 1

Sue: Is this the first time we’ve seen the words ‘Doctor Who and the...’ in the title?
Me: The first and only time, yes.
Sue: You sound like you’re annoyed. What’s wrong?
Me: You won’t have a problem with it because you think the character’s name is Doctor Who.
Sue: But it is Doctor Who.
Me: I don’t agree.
Sue: Even in the face of all this mounting evidence? You’re insane.
Me: In fact, the title of this story is wrong on so many levels, it’s difficult to know where to begin...

Two potholers are exploring some caves...

Sue: This doesn’t look like it was shot on film. We’re back in the studio again, aren’t we? That’s a shame. Still, at least the sound is okay, even if the colours are a bit smudgy around the edges.

The potholers are attacked by a dinosaur.

Sue: At least the director is trying to disguise the fact that the monster isn’t very good. Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, thankfully.

We cut to the Doctor tinkering with a vintage yellow car.

Sue: His number plate is WHO. Why would he have that number plate if his surname wasn’t Who? You’ll just have to accept it, love. That’s his name.

Talking of names, the Doctor has decided to christen his new mode of transportation: Bessie.

Sue: I didn’t know his stupid little car had a stupid little name. How quaint.

Liz convinces the Doctor to take Bessie for a quick spin up to Wenley Moor’s nuclear research facility. It’s a day out, I suppose.

Sue: Is this the British version of the Large Hadron Collider? Do they accidentally suck everyone into a black hole? Is that the plot?
Me: And where, exactly, would a dinosaur fit into that?
Sue: Don’t look at me, I didn’t write it.

Dr Quinn activates the reactor’s complicated intercom system so he can ask his colleague to join him in the control room.

Sue: Why doesn’t he just wave at her? She’s standing two feet away from him!

And no, she doesn’t recognise Fulton Mackay, although fans of 1970s sitcoms shouldn’t give up hope yet.

Sue: So is the Brigadier in every Jon Pertwee story?
Me: He’s in most of them, yes.
Sue: Good.

Wenley Moor’s security officer, Major Baker, doesn’t like the fact that UNIT are interfering in his affairs.

Sue: He can’t shut his briefcase, but he’s carrying on with the scene anyway. What a trouper. And he’s definitely got the hots for Liz. Actually, he’s borderline creepy.

As the scientists conduct another experiment, a technician begins to behave very oddly indeed.

Sue: Are the aliens hypnotising the humans again? It’s the same story every week!

What has changed is Sue’s appreciation for the incidental music.

Sue: I really like it. Is it Dudley?
Me: No, it isn’t.
Sue: I didn’t think so. It’s good. I love the oboes.

The Doctor is threatened by the same dinosaur we saw earlier. Cue credits.

Sue: Oh dear, that really does look naff.

EPISODE 2

Captain Hawkins is driving Sue potty.

Sue: I recognise his voice. I’ve definitely heard it before.
Me: You have. He’s very famous.
Sue: Just tell me.
Me: It’s Paul Darrow.
Sue: Is that supposed to mean something to me?
Me: He’s Avon! From Blake’s 7! We named a cat after him, she’s outside playing with Orac the hedgehog right now. How can you live with me and not know this stuff?
Sue: I thought Avon was a girl’s name.
Me: I know, I thought she was a boy, which is why her pregnancy came as a bit of a shock.
Sue: And I’ve never seen Blake’s 7. I thought we were saving that for the sequel, Adventures with the Wife and Blake?

She’s joking, of course. That will never happen.

Sue: Anyway, I’m glad there are two monsters in this story. The first one was shit.

Cue kazoo!

Sue: Okay, the music has gone a bit mental now. Bring back Dudley. No, wait. Hire somebody else.

The Doctor and the Brigadier gang up on Dr Lawrence.

Sue: The Brigadier and the Doctor obviously respect each other. I like that. The Brig is basically acting like one of his companions.

The episode concludes with Liz trapped in a barn with a Silurian.

Sue: Poor Liz. I’m sorry I didn’t say a lot about that episode. That’s the trouble with the good ones: I get too wrapped up in the story to say very much.

EPISODE 3

Sue: It must be hard work walking around with vision like that. I’d keep bumping into things.

When Dr Quinn arrives at the barn, which is miles out of his way, he arouses the Doctor’s suspicions. Sue, on the other hand, has more important things on her mind.

Sue: Bessie will get soaked in that rain. He should have put the roof up.

At least the big-budget helicopter sequence goes down well.

Sue: It looks great, but what are they hoping to achieve with those silly flares, exactly?

Dr Quinn activates a Silurian recall device.

Sue: I’m sure I’ve heard that sound effect somewhere else. It’s driving me mad.
Me: When you picked me up from that Doctor Who convention I went to in Newcastle on Saturday, Paul Jones kept mimicking that noise behind your back. You know, just to tease you.
Sue: Is that what you fans do at conventions? You sit around making Doctor Who noises all night?
Me: Not all night, no. By the way, what did you think of the convention? When you weren’t hiding in the restaurant, I mean.
Sue: The food was terrible. The prawn starter was an Asda ready meal smothered in balsamic vinegar. It was awful.
Me: Yes, but apart from that, what did you think?
Sue: It was more normal than I expected. It was a bit boring, actually. I thought everyone would be dressed-up. I did see the back of Peter Purves’ head, though – not that I would have known it was Peter Purves’ head if you hadn’t pointed it out to me. And I got to meet Rob Shearman, too, which was nice. You never told me Rob Shearman was that nice, Neil.

The episode concludes with our first good look at a Silurian.

Sue: Is that a fish?

She doesn’t know what to make of the so-called aliens at first.

Sue: Are you sure we haven’t seen them before?
Me: They turn up in Matt Smith’s era quite a lot.
Sue: Do they? I’m sure I’d remember them if they did.

I open my laptop and show her an image of a 21st century Silurian.

Sue: Piss off! They don’t look anything like them!
Me: I know! Ridiculous, isn’t it?
Sue: The new ones are so much better. The old ones look dreadful.

EPISODE 4

Sue: I’m surprised they killed Dr Quinn. I thought he’d be there to the end.

When the Doctor bumps into a Silurian, he offers it the hand of friendship.

Sue: I love that. That sums the Doctor up for me. Anybody else would have run away or shot at it.

The Doctor is disappointed when the Silurian decides to run away.

Sue: Has this Doctor got a lisp?
Me: Have you only just noticed that?
Sue: Yes. Is this part of his punishment? Have the Time Lords done this to him so people won’t take him seriously?

The Brigadier and the Doctor can’t agree on how to proceed.

Sue: There’s quite a bit of tension between the Brigadier and the Doctor. The Doctor doesn’t trust the Brig, does he? It’s difficult to watch this because I like both of them. And there’s another problem with this story.
Me: Oh yes? What’s that?
Sue: The funny noises. They must be using frequencies that our dog can’t handle; she’s left the room to get away from them. It’s not right, Neil.

The Silurians interrogate Major Baker.

Sue: These Silurians strut around like they own the place.
Me: But they do own the place.
Sue: Yes, but they’re walking around like they’re super-cool. I’m not saying they look cool, they just think they look cool.

When the Doctor and Liz are harassed by a dinosaur, Sue exclaims:

Sue: I’m pretty sure that’s chroma.

She didn’t really say that. What she really said was: “That looks a bit dodgy”. Ha! Just you bloody wait, love...

Sue: It’s a very gritty episode. It’s as if we’re watching an adult drama for a change. This is definitely not for kids.

EPISODE 5

The biggest topic up for discussion in this episode is the young, hot-headed Silurian, or as Nicol so eloquently puts it as she strides into the living room:

Nicol: It’s Jar Jar Binks!

I think it’s because he keeps shaking his head as he walks and talks.

Sue: Maybe he’s got Parkinson’s Disease?
Me: It’s Packer who’s doing the Silurian voices, by the way. You know – “Paaaacker...”
Sue: What? All of them?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Fuck off!
Me: I am not making it up. It’s Peter Halliday from The Invasion. The actors inside the costumes are probably overcompensating when it comes to moving their heads because they aren’t the ones doing the talking.

The Silurians have got themselves into a bit of a pickle, or as Sue puts it:

Sue: That was one hell of a lie-in!

She likes the idea that the Silurians are the planet’s indigenous life form, even though she’s heard it all before.

Me: You have. There’s a Matt Smith story with practically the same plot and the same aliens. This one is much better, though.
Sue: I wouldn’t go that far.
Me: Do you want to sleep on the couch tonight, love?

As a young Silurian plots humanity’s downfall, Sue believes the Doctor has been tricked.

Sue: Has the Silurian gone back on his word? That was quick!
Me: No, this is a completely different Silurian.
Sue: They all look the same to me.
Me: Racist.

Geoffrey Palmer’s Man from the Ministry turns up to sort things out. Or, if you’re Sue: “The crap husband from Butterflies will fix it.”

Sue: (Singing) "Love is like a Butterfly..." Wait a minute, this guy’s name is Masters. He’s not the, you know... Is he?
Me: No, he most certainly isn’t.

Masters prepares to return to London, even though he’s feeling bit under the weather.

Sue: It’s probably Ria’s cooking repeating on him again.

The Doctor and the Brigadier arrive at Wenley Moor’s hospital as Major Baker succumbs to the Silurians’ disease.

Sue: Don’t touch him, you idiots! Opps, too late. I hope he’s only got the measles.

But it isn’t the measles and Major Baker drops down dead.

Sue: It’s all gone a bit Survivors, now. What would Greg do?

EPISODE 6

Sue: Hang on a minute. The Doctor said it was an alien disease. So are these Silurians aliens or not?
Me: I think he means ‘unknown’. Don’t be so pedantic.
Sue: But it’s a crucial plot point, surely?

The Brigadier barks some orders into his personal radio.

Sue: We couldn’t afford walkie-talkies when we were kids, so me and our kid would steal car aerials and just pretend.
Me: A racist and a vandal. It’s all coming out tonight.

Masters returns to London with the Silurians’ disease oozing from his every pore.

Sue: This is great. I’m not sure you’d get away with something like this today, not with all the compliance forms you have to deal with. I don’t think the public actually knew they were appearing in an episode of Doctor Who; the camera is miles away. It’s really well-directed, though. It’s very realistic. It’s more Cathy Come Home than Doctor Who.

Oh, and she’s completely obsessed with the Silurians’ tiled flooring.

Sue: It looks like Terrazzo. Or maybe it’s Karndean. It’s very nice, whatever it is. They must be an advanced civilisation if they’ve invented flooring as nice as that.

Masters collapses in the street, and half of London follows in his wake.

Sue: Bloody hell, it’s turned into Threads. This is very bleak.

The Doctor implies that he’s several thousand years old.

Sue: But I thought the Doctor was only a thousand and something.
Nicol: The Doctor lies.

Oh, so she is listening, even if her face is buried in Facebook.

Sue: The make-up is really good.

Half of Dr Lawrence’s face appears to be missing.

Sue: Too good, perhaps. This is definitely not for kids.

The Doctor is kidnapped by some Silurians after they burn a hole in the wall that leads to his lab.

Sue: Can’t he feel the heat coming off that wall? And surely he can hear that terrible music. Our poor dog...

EPISODE 7

Sue: The Brigadier seems to spend a lot of time on the telephone. This is a basically a masterclass in telephone acting.

Captain Hawkins is killed by the Silurians’ death ray.

Me: No! Not Paul Darrow!

The Silurians force the Doctor to rig the power complex to a device that will destroy the Van Allen Belt. If successful, the planet will become too hot for humanity to handle.

Sue: Can’t he turn it on just a little bit, so they can have a nice summer?

As the Doctor gets to grips with the machinery, Sue raises a solitary eyebrow.

Sue: The Doctor’s in a t-shirt. That’s not right, is it? Saying that, Pertwee is certainly ripped. He must work out. He reminds me of this old, butch lesbian I used to know.

The Doctor tricks the Silurians into overloading the nuclear reactor.

Sue: (Shouting) It’s too loud! I can’t hear the dialogue! What’s going on?
Me: (Yelling) PARDON? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

The complex is about to explode, so the Silurians leg it back to their base for a quick nap.

Sue: The Doctor must be bluffing. You’d think the Silurians would check his story before they buggered off.

Which means Sue is completely wrong-footed when she discovers that the reactor is going to explode, after all.

Sue: WHAT?

The Doctor saves the day by reversing the polarity.

Sue: I feel sorry for the Silurians. I can see where they were coming from.

The Brigadier ensures that the Silurians’ base is destroyed.

Sue: Oh, Brigadier, I’m very disappointed in you. And the Doctor will be furious with you, too.

THE SCORE

Sue: That was excellent. I might have to give this another 10... No, on second thought, it’s at least one episode too long, and the dinosaur served no purpose at all. Some of the Silurian acting was a bit over the top, as well. No, I’ll give it:

9/10

Sue: It was very good, though. It’s as if we’re watching proper telly all of a sudden. The location work was some of the best I’ve seen in the series so far, and the plot was complex enough to keep me entertained. Are all the Pertwee stories as good as this, Neil?

COMMENT: “The CD of Carey Blyton’s music is very good. There’s a lovely theme for the Brigadier on that disc. Maybe you should play it to Sue the next time she’s cooking.” – Simon Harries

NOTES: Sue’s first taste of a Doctor Who convention wasn’t enough to put her off for life (although the hotel’s crème brûlée did come perilously close). She even agreed to come back the following year, which was great news. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

THE AMBASSADORS OF DEATH

BLOGGED: 20 November 2011

EPISODE 1

The title sequence is rudely interrupted by Ronald Allen.

Sue: Oh, it’s the man from Crossroads. He’s been in Doctor Who before. I’m surprised they asked him back after what happened last time.

And then the titles pick up where they left off.

Sue: What the fuck was that? Was that a mistake?

The Doctor is tinkering with the TARDIS console.

Sue: Where are we supposed to be now? Are we inside the TARDIS? Has the Doctor redecorated, or did he have another control room hidden away somewhere?
Me: We’re not inside the TARDIS. The Doctor’s moved the console outside.
Sue: How did he get it through the doors? And why has he painted it green?
Me: Pale green looks more white in black and white.
Sue: Yes, but we’re watching Doctor Who in colour now, so that’s a bit silly.
Me: Yes, dear.
Sue: I’m glad the Doctor still holds a grudge against the Brigadier after what he did to the Silurians. I thought they’d brush that under the carpet and forget about it. It’s good, this. I feel like I’m watching a continuing story.

High above the Earth, Recovery 7 is preparing to dock with Mars Probe 7.

Sue: There are lots of sevens in this story. Is that why it’s seven episodes long, Neil?

As the spaceships moor, the soundtrack skates perilously close to copyright infringement.

Sue: It was nice of Procol Harum to do the music.
Me: I think they’re trying to emulate 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Sue: It’s almost as boring as 2001. Actually, it reminds me of Apollo 13.
Me: It’s funny you should say that because this story was broadcast during the real Apollo 13 crisis. They’ll blow their fuel tanks somewhere between Episodes 4 and 5.
Sue: That is a bit weird. Do you think they would have shown the rest of it if the astronauts had died?

A news reporter is on hand to feed the audience all the raw exposition it needs.

Sue: This feels quite modern and clever, even if it does look like an Open University lecture.

A mysterious signal is beamed to the probe from Earth, and when the Doctor triangulates the source of the transmission, he discovers that it’s only seven miles away.

Sue: The writer is obsessed with the number seven. Who wrote this? The weird titles were so weird I didn’t notice.
Me: David Whitaker.
Sue: He’s done loads, hasn’t he? He’s definitely been around the block and back again. Is this his seventh story or something?
Me: Eighth.
Sue: Damn it. I thought I was on to something, there.

Sue isn’t a big fan of UNIT’s theme tune.

Sue: It’s too jaunty. It should be mysterious and ominous. It sounds like something you’d hear at a wife-swapping party.
Me: Oh, really? And you’ve been to a lot of those, have you?
Sue: Only with my first husband.

UNIT are forced to deal with some common thugs.

Sue: It’s the world’s most boring gunfight. They’re politely queuing up to take it in turns to shoot at one another.

Events eventually spiral into an orgy of protracted violence.

Sue: It’s as if The Sweeney and The Professionals have turned up to lend them a hand. I don’t know what I’m watching, but it isn’t Doctor Who. Not that I’m complaining, mind.

Thugs leap from balconies and crash through sheets of glass, and Sue is relieved when her favourite character doesn’t sustain any injuries.

Sue: The Brig is so cool.

And then, apropos to absolutely nothing at all, a Frenchman pulls a gun on the Doctor and Liz.

Sue: Eh? Where the hell did that cliffhanger come from?

EPISODE 2

Sue: They keep fucking up the title sequence. It doesn’t work. It’s over the top. I wish they’d stop doing it.

Bruno Taltalian’s accent is ripe for ridicule (“Docteur! Do you have a license for that dewg?”), but when the Doctor makes a reel of computer tape vanish into thin air, and puts it down to simple transmigration, my wife is bloody furious.

Sue: Oh come on! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he a magician now? And what’s with all the sodding rainbows on the wall?

Sue isn’t happy with the quality of the recording we’re watching – it’s a digital copy of the official 2002 VHS release, if you’re interested.

Sue: This is bad. It definitely hasn’t been VidFIREd.
Me: I think this is an old NTSC recording.
Sue: That makes sense. NTSC: Never The Same Colour.

Just as she says this, the picture slips into black and white. Sue doesn’t say a word, although she does throw a cushion at me.

Sue: Who thought it would be a good idea to play sleazy porn music over a prison breakout?

But it’s not all bad news.

Sue: Liz’s hair is very nice this week. Liz would look quite trendy nowadays.

As Recovery 7 returns to Earth, Cornish urgently presses some buttons to make himself look busy.

Sue: Oh dear, that’s a very bouncy console. That can’t be good. Unless bouncy consoles are supposed to be futuristic or something.

In a welcome break from all this claustrophobia, the Doctor heads to the landing site in Bessie.

Sue: I’m glad the Doctor’s got his roof up this week. He must have learnt a valuable lesson when he got his bum soaked in the one with the Silurians.

As the Doctor leaves the scene, crunching Bessie’s gears in the process (“Can he play any other tunes on that?”), the bad guys ambush the convoy from above.

Sue: This programme is obsessed with helicopters!
Me: I love the identification number on this particular one.
Sue: G-AWFL?
Me: Yes! Godawful!

When an outrider falls off his motorcycle – backwards – Sue is genuinely worried about his safety.

Sue: Ooh, I bet that hurt! Was he supposed to fall as hard as that?
Me: Cry HAVOC, and let slip the stuntmen of yore!

The villains make off with the capsule, although they still find the time to pull over and help the Doctor push Bessie off the side of the road when he apparently breaks down.

Sue: They are incredibly helpful criminals, it has to be said.

The Doctor traps them in a force field and returns the capsule to the space centre (which makes the last 10 minutes completely redundant). The Doctor complains the astronauts still won’t come out of their capsule, and Sue doesn’t understand why he hasn’t cottoned on yet.

Sue: Why doesn’t he assume the capsule is full of rotting corpses? Surely that’s the logical conclusion?

The hatch is opened and the theme music crashes in.

Sue: That was creepy. I’m enjoying this.

EPISODE 3

Me: It’s time for Episode 3 of The Ambassadors…
Sue: …OF DEATH!
Me: BOING!
Sue: The Moff obviously borrowed the idea of a spooky catchphrase from this story, but “Would you clear us for re-entry?” isn’t half as scary as, “Who turned off all the lights?” or, “Are you my mummy?” They haven’t grasped the concept yet.

The Doctor hops onto a ladder.

Sue: Pertwee is very nimble for his age. You wouldn’t think it to look at him.

Reegan abducts the astronauts, who are being kept in a shed.

Sue: He just punched that guy in the balls! And now he’s shot another guy in the balls! That was pretty low.

The Doctor races to the scene in Bessie.

Sue: I’ve noticed that Jon Pertwee does all his own driving. He would have been brilliant on ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’.

Meanwhile Reegan is being a total git in a gravel pit.

Sue: Is this our first proper quarry, as in: this is supposed to be a quarry and not just a quarry that’s pretending to be something else? And why do I even care?

Reegan buries his dead associates under a slagheap.

Sue: It’s turned into Get Carter. This is so bleak. What were the kids supposed to be doing when this was on?

And then Reegan’s van changes its appearance.

Sue: That was pretty good. That would have been very difficult to do back then. It’s very James Bond, this. Or maybe the van is really a TARDIS and this guy is...
Me: Stop it!

When Sue gets a good look at the mysterious astronauts, she makes the obvious connection.

Sue: I’m convinced Steven Moffat has a thing for this story. Just look at it! There isn’t just one impossible astronaut – there are three impossible astronauts! And they’re very similar to those skeletons he had running around in spacesuits in the David Tennant story set in a library.

As Sue chews this over, it’s time for Doctor Who’s very first car chase!

Sue: A Mark I Ford Capri! Classic. My first boyfriend had one of those. But the music isn’t right. It isn’t exciting enough. Bring back Dudley, all is forgiven.
Me: This is Dudley.
Sue: Is it? Fuck.

The episode concludes as Liz Shaw tumbles off a weir.

Sue: That must be a stunt double. Nice legs though, whoever he is.
Me: How are you finding this story so far?
Sue: I’m starting to lose interest, to be honest. It’s very slow. Here we are, 90 minutes into it, and I still haven’t got a clue what’s going on. Maybe it’s because it’s in black and white, but I’m struggling.

EPISODE 4

Sue: Jon Pertwee has great comic timing. He’s funny and straight at the same time. And his Doctor is quite sarky, isn’t he? It’s as if he’s permanently in a bad mood.
Me: He is in a bad mood, Sue. He’s stuck on Earth. He’s doing the Time Lord equivalent of time, if you’ll pardon the pun.
Sue: This episode is basically people running backwards and forwards between locations. Just because there aren’t any corridors linking them all together, it doesn’t mean this isn’t the same thing we’ve seen a hundred times before. And when does this turn back into colour? It’s starting to piss me off.
Me: Most people would have seen this in black and white in 1970.
Sue: I don’t care. It’s 2011 and I want bright colours on my 50″ plasma, thank you very much. You told me everything was in colour from now on. You lied to me, Neil. Again. How many years does this black and white nonsense go on for?
Me: Only another four.

A cushion sails over my head.

Sue: Oh look, d’Artagnan.
Me: Taltalian.
Sue: Whatever. He’s got a "beumb"!

Ronald Allen changes his facial expression from hangdog to hungdog.

Sue: He looks like he’s had enough. I can see why he gave up on the space programme to work in a motel.

The Doctor volunteers to go up in the recovery capsule himself, even though it is a primitive heap of junk.

Sue: At least it works and you can steer it. That’s more than he’s used to.

Taltalian returns to the lab with his "beumb" in his briefcase.

Sue: Could this guy be any more suspicious? It’s bad enough that he’s wearing a false beard without him drawing even more attention to himself.

The bomb goes off in Taltalian’s face.

Sue: Oh look, the Doctor’s been injured.
Me: He must have been cut by Taltalian’s cheekbone as it sailed through the air.

An Ambassador (OF DEATH!) can kill people just by touching them, so the cliffhanger involves one of them walking up behind the Doctor with an outstretched hand...

Sue: Can’t he hear him? Is he completely deaf? The astronaut is practically asthmatic!

Cue credits.

Sue: Oh look, there’s another character called Masters in this one. I don’t suppose...
Me: NO!

EPISODE 5

Me: This episode is in colour.
Sue: Hoo-fucking-ray.

Sergeant Benton has some bad news for the Brigadier.

Me: That’s John Levene.
Sue: The guy who worked with Take That?
Me: No, that’s Ian Levine. You briefly saw John Levene at the Doctor Who convention last week. He was on his way to deliver some edgy stand-up comedy.
Sue: He looks fairly normal here. But I thought you said...
Me: Trust me, you haven’t seen his stand-up comedy.

Talking of acute embarrassment, the Doctor is determined to brush the results of his recent medical under the carpet.

Sue: I assume that Cornish was going to mention his two hearts?
Me: Either that or he’s picked up a communicable disease. You’d think Cornish would be more surprised the Doctor was an alien. Or maybe he is surprised. It’s difficult to tell with Ronald Allen.

And then, probably because she hasn’t been threatened for at least seven minutes, Reegan points his gun at Liz’s chin.

Sue: This bloke is a right bastard. Where’s Bodie and Doyle when you need them?

To relieve the boredom of sitting around all day, Reegan then spends the rest of the episode running across gantries, which Sue recognises as an early version of parkouring (although she’s not sure about his denim hat). Anyway, Reegan kicks a technician off one of these gantries and the poor man lands on his elbows.

Sue: Ouch! That looked great!

There’s only one thing missing.

Sue: Where’s the bloody rocket?
Me: I think this place is supposed to be attached to the rocket.
Sue: So where the hell is it? It looks like a gas refinery.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the security at this place (wherever the hell we are) is practically non-existent.

Sue: The British Space Programme seems to be run by six people. Is it any wonder we didn’t get to the Moon first?

And then, just as Sue is about to relinquish any hope of ever seeing the actual rocket, there it is.

Sue: Ah, so that’s why they never showed us the rocket. It looks terrible.

When the Doctor finally reaches orbit (after some very impressive gurning), a UFO arrives to intercept him.

Sue: Oh look, the plot has turned up at last.

EPISODE 6

Recovery 7 is swallowed by an alien spaceship.

Sue: It’s a giant pair of lips.

The Doctor floats out of the capsule and into the aliens’ ship.

Sue: Okay, what the fuck is this?

When the Doctor meets the missing astronauts, they act as if he’s just interrupted a football match on the telly.

Sue: There’s too much mind-control in this programme. Every single week someone is being brainwashed!
Me: Nah, that’s just you, love.

And then we get our first good look at the aliens. Well, erm...

Sue: Never use chroma key on venetian blinds – it’s a nightmare to light properly. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to be looking at, here? This has gone a bit mental.

The bad guys offer Liz a job.

Sue: She should ask them what their pension plan is like before she commits to anything.

And then Reegan spends the rest of the episode running up and down some gas pipes. Again.

Sue: This is exactly the same crap we saw in the last episode. It’s just this bloke running up and down these pipes in a silly costume. And who in their right mind holds a spanner like that?

The episode concludes as General Carrington threatens to perform his moral duty, which, for some inexplicable reason, involves shooting the Doctor in the head at point-blank range.

Sue: Good cliffhanger, that. I didn’t understand a bloody word of it, but what a great cliffhanger.

EPISODE 7

When the Ambassadors raid a company that deal in radioactive isotopes (yes, I know!), Sue thinks she’s spotted a fatal flaw.

Sue: How come the van doesn’t blow up when the Ambassadors sit down in it?
Me: That’s a bloody good question.
Sue: There’s too much sitting around waiting for stuff to happen in this story. It’s endless scenes of people with their feet up on desks.

I notice that Geoffrey Beevers is playing a UNIT private.

Me: Oh look, it’s the Master.
Sue: Where?
Me: Sorry, I’m just pulling your leg.
Sue: UNIT’s theme tune sounds medieval, don’t you think? It would be fine if they were armed with bows and arrows, but they’re not.

When UNIT arrive at Carrington’s lair, you’d be forgiven for thinking they’d stumbled upon something indiscreet.

Sue: Are these two blokes cottaging? Haven’t UNIT got anything better to do than break up this kind of thing?

Cue yet another tightly-choreographed fight scene.

Sue: At least that one was relatively short. Oh wait, it’s started up again. Have I got enough time to make a cup of tea?

As the Brigadier exchanges fake punches with another thug, Sue frowns.

Sue: I’ve noticed the action sequences are almost completely silent. I’m not sure if that makes them grittier or less exciting.

The Brigadier finally makes it to the bad guys’ base. He throws open the door and shoots the first person he sees.

Sue: The Brig doesn’t piss about! Whatever happened to, "Don’t move or I’ll shoot"? Wow!

Back at the space centre, Carrington is preparing to deliver a television broadcast that will supposedly spark an intergalactic war.

Sue: He’s the only person holding this story together.
Me: John Abineri?
Sue: He’s very good. He’s very intense.
Me: Yes, he really is spoiling us.

And then it’s all over. Carrington gives himself up, and even Reegan survives, which is extremely rare for a henchman in Doctor Who. With a cheery wave, the Doctor disappears into the sunset.

Sue: The Doctor can’t be arsed with all the tedious details. He just sods off and leaves them to it. You have to admire that.

THE SCORE

Sue: It was too long. Three episodes too long, in fact. Maybe it was the black and white bits, or the ropey quality of that print, but I struggled to get into it. It started well, but it didn’t hold my attention like the last one, and the end was a bit of an anti-climax, as well, so I’ll give it:

6/10

Sue: If only they’d removed some of the stunts, it would have been over in five episodes. How long is the next one?
Me: Erm, seven.

COMMENT: “Episode 8 is great. The court martial of General Carrington is very sensitively filmed and beautifully written.” – John Williams

NOTE TO SELF: Never interrupt John Levene if he’s about to deliver some edgy stand-up comedy. It’ll only end in tears.

INFERNO

BLOGGED: 24 November 2011

EPISODE 1

Sue: Isn’t this the same location as last week?

The Doctor strolls into this week’s high-tech installation.

Sue: Hang on a minute... Isn’t this the same story as last week, too? And the one before that?

But something isn’t quite right at this high-tech installation, and as a poor man is about to have his skull split open with a wrench, we cut to Sergeant Benton hammering a nail into a wall.

Sue: The direction is great, though. I’ll give it that.
Me: And?
Sue: Is it Douglas Camfield? Am I right? Am I a ming-mong now?
Nicol: You can’t use that word, Mam.
Sue: So what I am supposed to be turning into, then?
Me: A specialist. And it’s nice of you to admit it.
Sue: I am not a specialist! I can barely remember the title of the last story.

Sir Keith gets the audience up to speed with the drilling project, but Sue has other things on her mind.

Sue: Is that his real nose?

I gently ease her back towards the plot.

Sue: I guess this was pretty topical when it first went out. Wasn’t Britain obsessed with North Sea gas in the 1970s?

I tell her that Petra is played by Camfield’s wife, Sheila Dunn.

Sue: She’s a looker. She reminds me of a young Anneka Rice. I’m even more impressed with Douglas now. Good for him.

The Doctor engages in some bitchy banter with Professor Stahlman.

Sue: There are some great lines in this story, and some very good acting, too. I feel like we’re watching a gritty Play for Today or something.
Nicol: Why is the Doctor dressed as Count Dracula?
Sue: Yeah, why does he look like he’s always on his way to a graduation ceremony?
Me: You’d better get used to it because he’s dressing down at the moment. He looks like a fucking bank manager next to Colin Baker’s Doctor.
Sue: I like his workshop. It’s very cosy. I love the carpentry on those bookshelves, too. Yes, it’s very nice.

A mutating technician breaks into the power reactor.

Sue: It’s not bloody mind control again, is it? Every story seems to involve people being taken over by something or other. It’s a bit repetitive.

When the Doctor conducts an experiment on the TARDIS console, the result is seriously strange (even by Doctor Who’s standards).

Sue: I pity any epileptics who saw this. It looks like a bad acid trip.
Nicol: It looks like a really bad special effect.

Liz cuts the power and the Doctor returns to Earth with a bump.

Sue: Oooh, I bet he hurt his back doing that.

The conversation quickly returns to drill bits.

Sue: Now that they’re talking about boreholes, I’m beginning to get into this. It’s a subject that’s very close to my heart.
Me: You’re in for a treat with this story, then.
Sue: Well, it’s certainly off to a good start.

EPISODE 2

This episode begins with a sound effect that drives Nicol out of the room.

Sue: Just answer the fucking phone!

Sue is aghast when the Doctor almost bites the Brigadier’s head off.

Sue: This Doctor is very rude. When does he mellow out?

But she falls for Greg Sutton’s charms almost immediately.

Sue: Greg is a solid 1970s name. You know where you are with a Greg. You could imagine this Greg going for a pint with the Greg from The Survivors (sic). They’d probably end up arm-wrestling.

This story’s location reminds Sue of something else.

Sue: It’s a level from the latest Call of Duty game. They should make a special UNIT level where you have to shoot all the zombie technicians. I bet you’d play it, Neil.

Right on cue, an infected UNIT soldier attacks the Doctor, swinging his rifle like a club.

Sue: So it really is a zombie movie this week? This is definitely not for kids.

As the infected soldier plummets to his death, he lets out a blood-curdling scream.

Sue: What’s that terrible noise? It sounds like somebody just stood on one of Buffy’s stuffed toys.

Back at the drill head, green ooze is beginning to seep into the base.

Sue: That’s Swarfega.
Me: I knew you’d spot that.
Sue: I love the smell of Swarfega.

Sue begins to feel sorry for the background characters who have to deal with this crap.

Sue: That noise would drive you crazy if you had to work there. It sounds like an amusement arcade.

At least she’s warming to Liz.

Sue: She’s lovely. She’s a lot less severe than when we first met her. She’s settling in very nicely.

Stahlman ignores the Doctor’s advice and picks up a flask, which contains the green ooze.

Sue: They’ll have to chop Stahlman’s hand off now. It’s the only way to be sure.

The Doctor uses his fingers to incapacitate Stahlman instead.

Sue: That’s very Spock. Hang on a minute, can all the Doctors do that? It’s a brilliant skill to have, so why don’t all the Doctors use it? It’s so much better than stupid psychic paper.

And then the Doctor vanishes into thin air.

Sue: Why did the TARDIS take Bessie with it? And why did it leave those nice bookcases behind? That’s a bit arbitrary.

EPISODE 3

Me: It’s around this point that Douglas Camfield had a massive heart attack.
Sue: What? Was he okay?
Me: Yes, he recovered eventually, but the stress and anguish it caused is etched in the faces of the cast, which, perversely, helps to sell this story. Barry Letts, the show’s producer, took over, using Douglas’ camera scripts.

And then…

Sue: Is that a disco glitter ball?

Sue figures it out as soon as she notices the garage’s wooden bookcases have been replaced by nondescript metal shelves.

Sue: So is this like Fringe? We’re in a parallel reality?

The mysterious signage on the wall confirms her theory.

Sue: So, instead of UNIT, it’s UNITY? Clever, eh?

There then follows a spectacular car chase as HAVOC’s evil doppelgängers attempt to capture the Doctor.

Me: Jon Pertwee ran that stuntman over for real.
Sue: Ouch. Was he okay?
Me: The mudguard sliced through his leg and he needed 18 stitches, I think.
Sue: I’m surprised they didn’t show any blood. But I must admit, this is a great chase. At least it adds to the plot and it doesn’t feel like endless padding. It’s brilliantly directed, too.
Me: Camfield would have been around for the location filming, so this is still him.
Sue: You can tell.

The Doctor turns a fire extinguisher into a weapon against the zombies.

Sue: If that was me, I’d have to read the instructions first.

And then the Doctor runs straight into parallel-Liz.

Sue: Oh, I like her hair in this universe. It really suits her. I’m not sure about her Nazi uniform, though.

The Brigade Leader’s chair spins round...

Sue: Oh my God!

When she recovers from the shock, I trot out the familiar story:

Me: ...and they were all wearing eye patches!
Sue: It’s like that episode of the latest Matt Smith series where they all wore eye patches, as well. I actually get it now.

Sue admires Director Stahlman’s fascistic fashion sense.

Sue: Everyone looks cooler in the parallel universe. Stahlman looks like a bloody rock star.

But Sheila Dunn’s alternative hairstyle draws the most attention.

Sue: When I was a bridesmaid in 1970, I had my hair styled exactly like hers. I would have looked like Petra’s little sister from the evil universe.

The Brigade Leader suggests the Doctor won’t feel the bullets when he’s shot, because he doesn’t belong in their universe.

Sue: (Laughing) What a great line. The script is excellent.

The Doctor uses his super-powered fingers on Benton.

Sue: I’ll say it again – that’s brilliant. He should do that more often.

EPISODE 4

We are joined by Sue’s brother, Gary. He took a bit of persuading after The Krotons, but since Inferno is about spending quality time with evil, heartless bastards, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Sue: (To Gary) Don’t you think Jon Pertwee looked like our mam?
Gary: Yeah, our mam crossed with Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls.

Sue is obsessed with the colour of Jon Pertwee’s jacket.

Sue: Is it blue? Or is it black? Or maybe it’s charcoal grey? It’s driving me mad. It’s a different colour in every scene.

As the Doctor begs Liz to believe his tale, Sue feels increasingly sorry for him.

Sue: He should stop saying “Elizabeth”. It’s not doing his lisp any favours.

But Liz doesn’t believe him and the Doctor is brutally interrogated instead.

Sue: This is a bit like The Prisoner. But when are they going to bring out the water board? I mean, what are they actually doing to him that’s so bad? It’s just an angle poise lamp. Where are the pliers?

The Doctor makes Director Stahlman take off his gloves so he can prove to everyone he’s been infected by the evil Swarfega.

Sue: Green gunge is seeping out of his bandages, and they still don’t believe him! That’s stupid.
Gary: (Pointing at a propaganda poster that features the face of visual effects designer Jack Kine) What’s George from George & Mildred doing on that wall?
Me: (Changing the subject) What do you think of Benton, Sue?
Sue: He isn’t doing anything for me. He’s a bit hammy. Keen, but hammy.

Sue spends the rest of the episode trying (in vain) to explain the plot to a thoroughly bored Gary.

Sue: And this is a glitter ball that takes us between universes... And she’s the nice version of the woman we just met... And he’s the nice version of the man we just met... And this man is bloody horrible in both universes.
Gary: It’s all talk and no action.
Sue: We’re watching the worst episode, Gary. All the others were action-packed. Maybe the stuntmen are visiting their injured colleague in hospital, and they couldn’t put anything on this week.
Gary: The monsters look like Doddy and the Diddymen.
Sue: Not impressed then?
Gary: It was marginally better than the last one we saw.
Me: Marginally? Marginally! The last five minutes were brilliant!
Sue: The last two minutes, perhaps. Don’t oversell it, love. The rest of it was just going over old ground. It’s a typical middle episode.
Gary: It was purgatory.
Me: Is that supposed to be a reference to Dante?
Gary: Dan who?

EPISODE 5

Sue: That’s a nice model shot. They’re trying really hard this week.

The Doctor, decked out in a fire suit, attempts to cap the bore before it’s too late, but Stahlman (also wearing a fire suit) decides to intervene.

Sue: Is Jon Pertwee really spinning through the air like that? He’ll do his back in if he’s not careful. Actually, on second thought, they must be stuntmen, because you can’t see their faces. It’s rather clever, really. Unless it really is Jon Pertwee spinning through the air like that, in which case it’s really stupid.

The Doctor escapes and Stahlman is left to convert the technicians into horrific monsters.

Sue: He’s rubbing that poor man’s face into the goo like you’d rub a kitten’s face into its own wee.

When a mutated Bromley arrives on the scene, the Doctor has to put him in his place with a fire extinguisher.

Sue: It’s rare to see the Doctor kill another living being and not show any emotion about it. It doesn’t feel right to me.

As Stahlman reveals his new form, Sue is horrified (for all the wrong reasons).

Sue: So they’re werewolves all of a sudden? How the hell does that work, exactly? Are there zombies in the real universe and werewolves in this one? Is that how it works? Does this mean there could be another universe where the Swarfega turns you into a vampire, or a ghost? This is stupid. It’s like Planet of the Apes meets Night of the Living Dead. I’m not sure how I feel about these monsters. What’s the point of them?
Me: I think they’re there for the kids.
Sue: The kids? The KIDS?! Are you serious?

Nasty-Benton tries to be heroic – and fails – before paying the ultimate price.

Me: Does this remind you of anything?
Sue: Yes, it’s An American Werewolf in London. A cheap version, mind. His false teeth are terrible. They look like the sort of teeth you’d find in a tacky joke shop.

EPISODE 6

Sue: The Brigadier is a right dick in this universe. I bet he comes good at the end, though. He’ll redeem himself, just you wait and see.

As Greg holds the advancing Primords back with some corrugated piping, Sue thinks she’s spotted a flaw.

Sue: Greg’s hands should be frozen to that pipe by now. He ought to be wearing gloves. That’s just basic health and safety, that is.

Back in the marginally friendlier universe, Greg finds Liz in the Doctor’s shed.

Sue: It’s hard to believe there was actually a time when automatic garage doors were still magical and awe-inspiring.

Back in the screwed universe, things are spiralling out of control.

Sue: Petra looks like she’s having a nervous breakdown. She’s probably thinking about poor old Douglas, bless her.

The Doctor prepares to escape.

Sue: How will the Doctor pinpoint the exact same universe on his way back? You know what his track record is like; he’ll probably end up in a completely different parallel universe where the drilling turns people into giant squids. Or pandas.

As the Earth tears itself apart, Sue finally gets something right.

Sue: You really like this story. I can tell.
Me: How can you tell?
Sue: You aren’t saying much, and you’re biting your nails. Although, to be fair, this is very intense.

The Brigade Leader’s subordinates take it in turns to belittle him.

Sue: I don’t like them talking to the Brig like this.
Me: That isn’t the Brig.
Sue: I know. But it still doesn’t feel right. He’s got a pet-lip on him now. Oh... they shot him. At least Liz came good in the end.

The episode concludes with the Doctor abandoning everyone to an extremely painful death.

Me: And that’s it. They’re all dead. An entire world. Toast.
Sue: As if! I don’t believe you.
Me: I’m not joking.
Sue: I hope Petra and Greg got it together before the lava reached them.
Me: That’s a lovely image to end on. Thanks.
Sue: Shall we watch the next one?
Me: No, that’s a cliffhanger you have to sleep on.

EPISODE 7

Me: It’s Doctor Who’s 48th birthday today.
Sue: How is it you can remember that but you can’t remember our wedding anniversary?
Me: And it’s the last episode of the seventh season, too!
Sue: That was quick.
Me: The seasons are a lot shorter now. Anyway, have you recovered from last night’s episode when the Doctor didn’t win and everybody died?
Sue: Are they really dead, though? For real?
Me: Yes. Burnt to a crisp, probably. Unless Liz put them out of their misery and shot them first.
Sue: But the Doctor can still go back in time and save them.
Me: What? The whole planet?
Sue: No, silly, just the people we care about.
Me: He can’t do that.
Sue: Oh, that is sad. It’s an awfully large body count for a children’s television programme. Oh well, at least we’ve still got some spares back in the real universe.

And back in the real universe (the one with a British Space Programme, but let’s not get into that right now), events are spiralling towards the same disastrous conclusion.

Sue: Oh no! The flange is going to blow!
Me: What’s a flange?
Sue: Call yourself a fan! You use a flange to connect pipes, valves and pumps. Trust me, it won’t be good news if it blows.

The Doctor, who’s in a coma, is mumbling incoherently about blown output pipes.

Me: That’s you talking in your sleep, that is.
Sue: Shhh! Listen to that!
Me: Listen to what? I can’t hear anything.
Sue: Exactly. Beautiful, isn’t it?

It doesn’t last, of course, and as soon as the Doctor finishes ruminating on nature of freewill, it’s back to throbbing machinery and ear-splitting sirens again.

Anyway, the Doctor rushes back to the complex in order to stop the drilling before it's too late. He does this by waving his arms in the air and raving like a lunatic.

Sue: He isn’t going about this the right way, is he?

The Doctor pushes the Brigadier out of his way.

Me: Did Jon Pertwee say, “Get out of my light!” to Nicholas Courtney? What an actorly thing to say.

The Doctor is led away from the complex by two UNIT soldiers, although it isn’t long before he’s free again, thanks to his fingers.

Sue: Oh, nice double-Spock action! I don’t understand why all the Doctors don’t use that superpower.

Sir Keith demands proof that Professor Stahlman has lost his mind. And then, right on cue, Stahlman emerges from the drill head.

Sue: There’s your proof! He’s a fucking werewolf!

The Doctor stops the drill from penetrating the Earth’s crust with 35 seconds left to spare.

Sue: I thought they’d take that down to the wire. It’s more realistic this way, I suppose, but they could have squeezed even more tension out of that scene.

The banter between the Brigadier and the Doctor, which wraps up this story, makes Sue laugh, and as the credits roll, she turns to me and smiles.

Sue: That was a great episode. Lovely.

THE SCORE

Sue: It was too long. Again. I didn’t like the werewolves or the zombies, either. The story didn’t need them. It could have been four or five parts without them. But the premise was very good, the acting was great, and the alternate reality was fascinating. I liked Liz, as well. She’s becoming one of my favourite companions. And there was plenty of Brigadier action, too, which was nice. I’ll give it:

8/10

COMMENT: “Please, no more Gary. Ever.” – Rollocks

NOTES: Sue really is an expert on boreholes. She even subscribed to The Borehole Water Journal for a while and, thanks to her, if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse, our independent water supply should give us just the edge we need to survive.

Yes, Gary could be a pain in the neck, but every time he turned up to scoff, Sue would end up passionately defending Doctor Who against accusations of cheapness and ineptitude, which meant his occasional presence throughout this experiment was irresistible to me. So there.

SEASON EIGHT

WHEN DOES THE TIME WAR START?

This illustration funded by Dave Sanders (above, right)

TERROR OF THE AUTONS

BLOGGED: 26 November 2011

EPISODE ONE

Sue: I like the Autons, but I can’t remember whether I like Robert Holmes or not.
Me: It’s complicated.

The story begins at a circus.

Sue: An old-fashioned 1970s circus. This brings back memories.
Me: Yeah, this was when you could torture lions to death in the name of entertainment.
Sue: I feel sad now. This story has lost a mark already.

A wheezing, groaning sound fills the air.

Sue: The TARDIS sounds a bit funny. Hang on a minute...

Yes, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Sue: Is it the Master?
Me: No.
Sue: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Is it the Mad Monk, then?
Me: I’m just kidding. It is the Master!
Sue: Yay!

We do our Master dance. It’s exhausting.

Sue: Now that’s what I call a TARDIS! It blends into its surroundings, for a start. And I bet the Master can park it on a sixpence, too. And I bet it’s really comfortable inside.

Back at UNIT HQ, the Doctor is introduced to Josephine Grant.

Sue: She’s new, but I know she’s a companion. I just know, for some reason. So where the hell is Liz? Does the Doctor have two female assistants, now?

Meanwhile at a space radio telescope...

Sue: That’s not a bad attempt at chroma, I suppose. There’s some blue fringing around the edges, but I’ve seen worse. You should see some of BBC’s weather reports – they make this look like Avatar.

The Master interrupts a scientist as he takes his lunch break.

Sue: I remember those thermos flasks. The slightest knock would shatter them. Still, they were better than all that modern double-wrapped plastic rubbish you get nowadays. I’m sure mine was tartan.

Something else she recognises is the sphere the Master has hooked up to the telescope’s transmitter.

Sue: I recognise that thing.
Me: You should, it’s the Nestene meteorite from Spearhead from Space. Do keep up, love.
Sue: Good grief, it’s like we’re watching Lost. Should I be taking notes?

The Brigadier informs the Doctor that the Nestene meteorite has been stolen.

Sue: Ah, now that’s the uniform I remember the Brig wearing. This looks strangely familiar. And at least they mentioned Liz. Hang on, does that mean Liz never got to travel in the TARDIS? That isn’t fair. I’m not happy about that at all. She was the best companion since Barbara. She deserved a lot more than that.

While the Doctor investigates the radio telescope, another Time Lord pops in for a chat.

Sue: What the hell?

The Time Lord warns the Doctor that his arch-enemy, the Master, is in town.

Sue: Hang on, when did the Doctor last meet the Master? Have we skipped an episode? Isn’t this the first time they’ve met? I’m really confused now. And who’s this bloke? And why doesn’t he need a TARDIS to get around? What the fuck is going on, Neil? And while we’re at it, when does the Time War start? How long do I have to wait before that happens?
Me: A little while yet, love.

The Doctor defuses a bomb left by the Master.

Sue: Bomb my arse. It’s a bloody thermostat!

When the Doctor opens the scientist’s lunchbox, he recoils in horror.

Sue: Maybe the Doctor hates egg and cress?... Oh... Wait... Didn’t the Master do something similar to David Tennant once? Didn’t he shrink him to the size of a canary or something? That’s one hell of a power he’s got there.

The Doctor takes the bomb back to UNIT HQ.

Sue: Jo has this rock chick thing going on, I like that. She reminds me of Suzi Quatro a bit. And why is the Doctor wearing gloves that wouldn’t look out of place on a member of Slade?

Jo sneaks off to investigate a nearby plastics factory and is immediately apprehended by the Master.

Sue: Is Jo this ditzy every week? She’d better not be.

Jo is taken inside the factory.

Sue: It sounds like there’s a swarm of bees in this office. Why is Doctor Who always so bloody noisy?

Jo is hypnotised by the Master.

Sue: Not mind control again! Bloody hell. Get a new gimmick! Having said that, the Master’s eyes are very piercing. It’s good casting, this. Is the character based on Omar Sharif?

The episode concludes with a brainwashed Jo trying to set off a bomb at UNIT HQ.

Sue: She’s not having a great first day at work.

EPISODE TWO

Sue: Jo just punched that soldier in the balls! You go, girl!

Luckily, Jo is overpowered and the bomb is chucked out of the window (“Nice explosion”), and then we return to the plastics factory where Colonel Masters (“Couldn’t he come up with a better pseudonym? Does he want to get caught?”) is demonstrating a new line of products.

Sue: I thought inflatable chairs were all the rage in the 1970s, but this bloke looks like he’s never seen one before. Did Doctor Who invent inflatable chairs? Is that one of its claims to fame?

But this chair is special. This chair can kill.

Sue: Isn’t it a bit dodgy to use a household object as a murder weapon? Watchdog would have had a field day.

There’s one man the Time Lord can’t influence – the factory’s retired founder, John Farrel. So the Master gives him an ugly doll instead.

Sue: That doll definitely rings a bell. Have you shown this to me before, Neil?

Either it’s a childhood memory or she’s dredging up the time I made her watch 30 Years in the TARDIS (18 years ago, practically to the day – now that’s scary). Anyway, the Doctor decides to investigate the circus.

Me: The Doctor seems to like the tortured elephants. In fact, he’s positively charmed by them.
Sue: That’s another mark off this story.

And then...

Sue: The Doctor is very tanned in these scenes. Has he been on holiday? Because he’s practically orange. Did David Dickinson model himself on Jon Pertwee’s Doctor?

The Doctor is apprehended by Tony the Strongman.

Sue: Isn’t that whatshisname from the racist Cybermen story?
Me: Yes it is. Which is a good job too otherwise people would have accused you of racism.
Sue: The only racist thing in this room is your Doctor Who DVD collection, Neil.

Meanwhile a plastic doll is about to commit murder.

Sue: What the fuck? Why would you chroma key a bloody kitchen? Are they trying to push the envelope here, or are they just being lazy? It’s hard to tell.

Then it’s Jo’s turn to investigate the circus. Unfortunately, we never learn what she thinks about tortured elephants.

Sue: I haven’t seen this many caravans since My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Jo rescues the Doctor, however their escape is hindered by a gang of angry circus performers. The police arrive to break up the fight, but as our heroes are escorted away, the Doctor’s suspicions are aroused...

Sue: So the police are the bad guys now? That’s a bit strong for a children’s television programme, isn’t it?
Me: Questions were raised in the House of Commons.
Sue: I’m not surprised. That was irresponsible. Good though.

EPISODE THREE

Sue: Why are UNIT driving around in an Austin Maxi? Shouldn’t they have a jeep or something?

When Yates realises that bullets can’t stop the Autons, he runs one over the edge of a cliff instead.

Sue: That’s a dummy... Oh wait... Bloody hell, it wasn’t a dummy! That was an incredible stunt! That was brilliant. I love how it got straight back up as soon as it hit the bottom. That was very scary.

The Doctor is unhappy with UNIT’s palpable lack of progress.

Sue: This Doctor can be an arsey bastard when he wants to. He’s very aloof and unapproachable in this one.

At least he managed to nick the Master’s dematerialisation circuit.

Sue: So he’s trapped a megalomaniac on Earth? Er... Thanks for that.

As the Doctor chuckles over this hilarious turn of events, the Autons make their move.

Sue: I’m sure I’ve seen this before.
Me: It’s not something you’d forget in a hurry.
Sue: Are you sure you haven’t shown this to me before?
Me: No, I didn’t own the VHS, it went out of print really quickly and became ridiculously expensive, and it’s only just been released on DVD.
Sue: Then I must have seen this when I was nine.

When a civil servant tries to stick his oar in, the Doctor goes full-blown Tory.

Sue: I told you this Doctor was aloof and unapproachable. He’s such a pompous Tory. I bet he hangs around gentlemen’s clubs, drinking brandy and being a twat.
Me: Unless he’s acting, of course.
Sue: If this was Patrick Troughton, maybe. But look at Pertwee – he always dresses like he’s on his way to a Masonic Lodge. I’m going right off him.

A telephone engineer has arrived at UNIT HQ to install a new phone.

Sue: “Why such a long flex?” asks Yates, as he checks out the telephone engineer. Is the actor who plays Yates somebody’s son?
Me: Yes, I’m sure he’s somebody’s son.
Sue: No, what I mean is, is he the son of somebody who works for the production team? Is that why he got the part?

Jo makes a telephone call. On the new phone. You know, just so we remember it’s there.

Sue: Did Jo just call somebody a dolly scouts man? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

The Doctor performs an autopsy on the plastic doll.

Sue: Is that doll the Autons’ version of a Cybermat? And is it just me, or is the Brigadier a bit thick this week?

The Doctor takes his frustration out on his friends.

Sue: The Doctor is a bit of a cock in this story. I don’t like him. He just told his friends to fuck off and leave him alone. What a cunt.

And then the telephone rings – yes, the new one – but when the Doctor answers the Master’s call, its inordinately large flex comes to life and tries to kill him.

Sue: If he wanted to be really evil, the Master should have reversed the charges.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: Didn’t the actress who plays Jo marry Tony Blackburn?
Me: No, that’s Tessa Wyatt.
Sue: They could be sisters.

Meanwhile on the Autons’ publicity coach tour of death...

Sue: Would it have killed them to shoot this outside? They shot everything else outside so why revert to chroma key now? It doesn’t make any sense.

The Doctor wants to know what turns the Autons on.

Sue: Do hot beverages set the Autons off? Yates was making cocoa, and the old woman was making tea in her chroma kitchen. Maybe that’s the connection.

The Master and the Doctor finally meet face to face.

Sue: That’s a very big cigar.

They immediately rub each other up the wrong way.

Sue: That was great. It was almost worth the wait.

As the Nestene Consciousness materialises above the telescope (“It looks like a giant hand”), the Master has a sudden change of heart.

Sue: Are they really saying that the Master’s only just realised his plan is rubbish? That really undermines him as a villain, you know.

As soon as the Nestene are repelled, the Master surrenders. But then he goes for his gun, and Yates has to shoot him.

Sue: Is the Master really dead? Doesn’t he regenerate into another actor?

But it isn’t the Master, it’s poor Rex Farrel in disguise.

Sue: Why did the Doctor smile when the Master escaped? Is he a masochist or something?

The Doctor knows that we haven’t seen the last of his arch nemesis.

Sue: Does the Master come back every year, then?

THE SCORE

Sue: What did the circus have to do with anything? It was pointless, and so were the scenes of animal cruelty, so marks off for that. And marks off for the Doctor turning into a pompous Tory. But apart from that, it was very good indeed. Short. Colour. Nice. The direction was okay, and the stunts were amazing. The chroma key was over-used, but at least they were trying. I’ll give it:

8/10

COMMENT: “I don’t think it’s political on Sue’s part but rather an outlet for her frustrated social ambitions at finding herself married to a man who spends his cash on Doctor Who DVDs instead of silk antimacassars and mother-of-pearl bathroom fittings, and who takes her on holidays to geeky conventions instead of Sun City. Sue, your bourgeois ambitions are SO transparent.” – Dr Whom

NOTES: Sue teaches Television Studio Operations for a living, hence her familiarity with the pros and cons of chroma key. Anyway, this story must have had an impact on her because shortly after we watched it she used it as a teaching aid in one of her classes. Whether she used it as an example of how technology can enable programmes with low budgets to make ground-breaking advancements in storytelling, or as a template for making exceptionally bad television, I’ll let you decide.

Questions weren’t raised about Terror of the Autons in parliament, and if you don’t believe me, I’ve got 37 emails here that prove it. They’ll be saying Kate Bush didn’t write Kinda, next.

Sue’s comments about the Third Doctor’s politics reignited a fiery debate concerning Paul Cornell’s controversial review of Terror of the Autons for a 1993 issue of DWB. If only we knew what Paul Cornell thought about this story today...

THE MIND OF EVIL

BLOGGED: 30 November 2011

EPISODE ONE

Sue: Is there any particular reason why this is in black and white?
Me: Yes, it was specifically done to annoy you.
Sue: Can’t they colour it in or something?
Me: That would be ridiculous, and almost certainly impossible. Anyway, this story looks better in black and white.
Sue: So why is the Doctor’s license plate ‘WHO 1’? Surely it should be ‘WHO 3’.
Me: Or ‘WHO TORY’. Your observations on the Third Doctor’s politics have caused quite a stir. You’re the new Paul Cornell.
Sue: Who?

The Doctor and Jo arrive at Stangmoor Prison.

Sue: Is this going to be Porridge meets Doctor Who?

Stangmoor’s prisoners are in a very rowdy mood.

Sue: Great. Another ridiculously loud location. I have a headache already. Are we actually supposed to hear the dialogue in this scene, Neil? Because I can’t.

We are introduced to a hardened criminal called Barnham.

Sue: It’s Vinnie Jones meets Marty Feldman.

The Doctor and Jo take their seats for a scientific demonstration.

Sue: Was the Doctor supposed to flap his coat into that extra’s face just then? Is it because the Doctor is an arrogant, pompous twat these days?

As Professor Kettering explains the Keller Process to the assembled onlookers, the Doctor chips in with some awfully snide remarks.

Sue: There’s nothing worse than giving a lecture when there’s a smart arse in the audience who’s interrupting you.
Me: That’s just an average Thursday for me.

The Keller machine can extract evil thoughts from a person.

Sue: Does it blow-dry their hair at the same time?

As Barnham is attached to the machine, Sue doesn’t have a problem with the concept.

Sue: It sounds alright to me. If it works, of course. I’m guessing that it won’t, though.
Me: There would be five extraordinarily dull episodes left if it did work.
Sue: As opposed to five ordinarily dull episodes, you mean?
Me: Oh look, it’s Mr Bronson...
Sue: Who?

I sigh.

Sue: He’s well after my time, love. I was busy getting married while you were sat at home watching Grange Hill.

Meanwhile UNIT are planning to throw a nuclear weapon into the sea.

Sue: Oh no, not Mike Yates again!

And then, a little later...

Sue: Oh no, not mind control again! Surely they could come up with something new? Just for one week?

The Doctor is so infuriated by the authorities’ reluctance to destroy the Keller machine, he lets his age slip out.

Sue: So is the Doctor several thousand years old or what? He didn’t look like he was lying when he said it, he looked like he said it by mistake. Oh, I don’t care. Life’s too short as it is. Forget I even asked.

The Doctor sends everyone away so he can examine the machine.

Me: What would the machine make you see, Sue? What scares you?
Sue: I’m not scared of anything.
Me: There must be something that terrifies you.
Sue: Bad carpentry.
Me: Killed by splinters, eh? Nasty.

The machine turns itself on.

Sue: Will the Doctor see the Master?

The Doctor is engulfed by flames.

Sue: Oh, that makes sense. He saw a planet burn a couple of weeks ago.
Me: So what do you think of it so far?
Sue: I’ve seen worse.

EPISODE TWO

Sue: You never see the Doctor scared like this. It’s unsettling.

Jo enters the room and the Keller machine deactivates itself.

Sue: That’s the second time Jo’s saved the Doctor’s life. Not that I’m keeping score or anything.

The Doctor is visibly shaken by the experience.

Sue: He’s actually mentioning that story from the other week, now. I’m glad because it proves that he feels bad about leaving all those people to die.

The Doctor is convinced that the authorities will have to destroy the Keller machine.

Sue: Why doesn’t he just push the machine over? You know, accidentally on purpose. He could pretend to stumble into it and put his foot through the damn thing at the same time. If it’s that bad, what’s he waiting for?

Meanwhile a telephone engineer is acting suspiciously outside the peace conference.

Sue: Is this guy hacking into the phones? Is he a journalist?

His work done, the telephone engineer retires to his shelter.

Sue: Whatever happened to those stripy tents? You never see them by the side of the road any more.
Me: Ditto for white dog poo.
Sue: (Pointing) Oh, it’s the Master! So soon? I wasn’t expecting that. Is the Master obsessed with telephones? Do all his plans involve telephones? Didn’t John Simm do something with the telephones?

The Master ends up in a limousine, puffing on a fat cigar.

Sue: He looks like a right banker. And this is the Doctor’s fault, yes? The only reason the Master is dicking around on Earth is because the Doctor trapped him here. He’d probably be off annoying the Daleks or the Cybermen if it wasn’t for the Doctor’s meddling.

When the Doctor is introduced to the Chinese delegate, he claims to be a friend of Mao Zedong.

Sue: This Doctor is such a name-dropping luvvie.
Me: He’ll be claiming he was Stalin’s golf partner next.

The Master hypnotises Chin Lee into carrying out his nefarious plans.

Sue: The Master is basically Derren Brown, but with more hair. I like him.

She’s also a big fan of Mailer.

Sue: It’s like we’re watching The Sweeney when he struts about the place. Can’t he be the Master’s regular companion? The sets are top-notch in this story, too. It looks like a real prison. In fact, the only reason I know it isn’t a real prison is because they’re shooting this on videotape.

The episode concludes with the American delegate believing that Chin Lee has transformed into a red dragon. Well, we assume it’s red. It could be pink for all we know.

Sue: They’ve just turned up the racism to 11.

EPISODE THREE

Sue: It’s a very dodgy monster – on lots of levels. And that was the worst pretend-faint I’ve ever seen. Pathetic!

Meanwhile Benton and Yates are parading around in front of a blow-up photograph of a missile.

Sue: The chroma is atrocious. It looks cheap. And I bet it looked even worse in colour.

Sue begins to question the wisdom of hosting a peace conference when you’re trying to dispose of a top-secret nuclear weapon at the same time.

Sue: The Brigadier is completely shagged out this week. He needs a lie-down. I’m worried about him.

Mailer begins to throw his weight around Stangmoor.

Sue: This bloke is rough. It’s as if he’s walked into the wrong programme or something.

But Mailer isn’t so tough; Jo manages to disarm him and a riot breaks out.

Sue: You go, girl! Jo isn’t as stupid as she looks. She has this tomboy thing going on, as well. Plus I really like her cords.

Meanwhile the Master is enjoying some exceptionally odd music in his car.

Sue: Is he listening to Dudley Simpson FM?

The Master strolls into the prison under the guise of Professor Keller, and it doesn’t take him long to take over the place with the help of Mailer.

Sue: I told you he was rough! He just shot that guy in the back!

The Doctor is taken to see the Master, but when the Time Lord's chair spins around to face him, Sue sighs with disappointment.

Sue: He really needs a cat.

The Master hooks the Doctor up to the Keller machine, and I have to rewind the episode several times so Sue can spot all the monsters.

Sue: Daleks... Cybermen... Ice Warriors...
Me: And?
Sue: I don’t recognise the rest.
Me: Try again.
Sue: A grasshopper? No, wait – is that a Zarbi? A Zarbi?! Why is he frightened of the fucking Zarbi?!
Me: And?
Sue: It looks like a flying box. I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue.
Me: It’s a War Machine.
Sue: A War Machine? Fuck off!

EPISODE FOUR

The Master rescues the Doctor from the Keller machine.

Sue: Has the Master changed his mind again? He never thinks it through, does he? That’s a bit crap.

And then Sue makes a very pertinent point.

Sue: Where did the Master get this alien machine thing from in the first place? If he’s stuck on Earth, where did he find it? Did he buy it on an intergalactic version of eBay?

Sue deduces that the Doctor is the Master’s greatest fear just before it happens.

Sue: It was either the Doctor or the Autons. It wasn’t that hard to guess.

The Master struggles to withstand the machine’s power.

Sue: Why doesn’t he just pull the bloody plug out?

The Doctor is in a bad way. One of his hearts has given out and he’s drifting in and out of consciousness.

Sue: The Third Doctor likes his comas, doesn’t he? He’s a very sickly Doctor so far.
Me: If this was made in the Troughton era, he’d probably go on holiday for a week.
Sue: That was a nice dissolve between the Doctor’s face and the Master’s. I can see what they’re trying to do there. Nice.

The Master plans to steal the Thunderbolt missile with an army of escaped convicts.

Sue: The extras are reacting to the news that they’re going to steal a nuclear weapon like they’ve just been told that they’re spending the day at Alton Towers.

Having said that, when the Thunderbolt’s convoy is eventually ambushed by the villains, Sue is seriously impressed.

Sue: The stunts are great. Hang on, here comes Mike Yates to spoil it. Oh dear.
Me: I like the way his feet skid when he comes to an abrupt halt. That warrants a comedy cartoon sound effect.
Sue: Yates always takes the grit out of a scene. I’m not sure if he’s a comment on how upper-class twits are completely useless but still manage to rise to the top, or it’s just bad casting.

Yates miraculously avoids being shot in the head, which means he’s able to give chase on his motorcycle.

Sue: He’s not exactly Steve McQueen. In fact, he’s more like Frank Spencer in Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em.

Benton tells the Brigadier that the bad guys are driving a Black Maria.

Sue: (Wistfully) You never see Black Marias any more.
Me: They’ve gone the same way as stripy tents and white dog poo.
Sue: Is the Keller Machine a mini-TARDIS? It definitely sounds like one, only it looks like a policeman’s helmet instead of a police telephone box. And now it’s taking off! See, it is a TARDIS! I was right!

And then the Keller machine attacks the Doctor. Again.

Sue: I’m not sure how I feel about this story. Some of it’s very good, and some of it’s utter shit.

EPISODE FIVE

Sue: The more I look at it, the more convinced I am that this was a terrible idea for a monster. A box with a helmet stuck on a tube? Terrifying.

The Brigadier prepares to lead an assault on the prison.

Sue: Aww, God bless Benton for discharging himself from hospital. He’s so keen. I’m really warming to Benton. He’s so much better than Yates.

The Master realises that his machine is completely out of control. In fact, things are so bad he turns to the Doctor for help.

Sue: The Master is a rubbish villain. He’s supposed to be the Doctor’s arch-enemy and yet he talks to him like he’s an old pal. And it’s pathetic when he has to ask for help when his evil schemes go pear shaped. He’s rubbish.

As the Doctor tries to pacify the alien machine, he’s attacked by his greatest fears once again.

Sue: And now he’s afraid of Silurians. I thought he was friends with the Silurians?

Later, as he recovers from another psychic assault, the Doctor regales Jo with a tale about Sir Walter Raleigh and a potato (or in other words, utter bollocks).

Sue: He’s name-dropping again. The padding in this story is shameless.

Meanwhile the Brigadier passes himself off as a working class oik so he can gain access to the prison.

Sue: Cor blimey, guv’nor! I must say, though, this is a lovely prison. The foliage is very pretty. I could definitely live in a place like this.

UNIT go on the attack.

Sue: At last – there’s our obligatory shot of a stuntman falling off a tall ledge. I was beginning to worry.

UNIT aren’t taking any prisoners. Literally.

Sue: UNIT are pretty vicious when they want to be. They definitely have a shoot-to-kill policy.

The death toll is mounting.

Sue: When does Doctor Who become a children’s television show again? This is more like Straw Dogs.

Mailer pulls a gun on the Doctor... Bang! Cue credits.

Sue: The Brigadier shot the bad guy. I bet you any money.

EPISODE SIX

Sue: They’re so pleased with last week’s stunts, they’re showing them again this week. Not that you can blame them.

The Brigadier shoots Mailer in the nick of time.

Me: You were right, love.
Sue: Great cut, though. Very nicely done.

The Brigadier believes that he’s sown everything up, so a dressing down from the Doctor is the last thing he expects.

Sue: The Doctor is such an ungrateful dick. The Brig just saved your life, you git!

It’s at this point Barnham decides to wander back into the plot.

Sue: I know where I recognise him from now. He’s Jaws in the James Bond films, right?

Jo is very protective of Barnham so she rushes off to find him some food.

Sue: I hope Jo doesn’t give him some porridge, because that would be heartless.

The Keller machine breaks free of its electronic lasso.

Sue: This scene is making me seasick.

And it isn’t long before the machine is on the rampage again, but when Barnham enters the room it powers down.

Sue: I’ve got it! Just think about nice things! Think about fluffy kittens and you’ll be fine!

Her theory is backed up by the Doctor.

Sue: This means the Doctor and Jo must have had evil thoughts. I can believe that of the Doctor, but not Jo. And the machine seemed to be feasting on the Doctor’s evil thoughts, which is quite interesting too.

The Master telephones the Doctor so he can gloat about his plan to trigger World War III.

Sue: The Master’s plan is crap! He’s insane!

The Doctor sets out to stop his arch-nemesis with some good old-fashioned Venusian karate.

Sue: I bet he wears Hai Karate aftershave, as well.

The Master’s plan is foiled, but Barnham is killed in the process. Jo is devastated.

Sue: Poor Jo.
Me: Wait until she finds out Barnham was a convicted paedophile.

The Doctor tells Jo to stop feeling sorry for herself. In fact, he tells her she should be feeling sorry for him instead!

Sue: Good grief!

The story concludes with the Master threatening the Doctor over the telephone.

Sue: I’m sure the Master will be back next season. And I don’t know why the Doctor is so worried – his arch-enemy is bloody useless.

THE SCORE

Sue: I didn’t like that one very much. The monster was rubbish. The Master was rubbish. The Doctor was a git. It was two episodes too long, and it was black and white. It’s definitely not in my top 10, Neil.

5/10

Me: That was our last black and white episode. Thanks to 2Entertain’s DVD release schedule, everything’s in colour from now on.
Sue: That’s definitely worth a dance.

COMMENT: “I’m not sure why Sue regarded the dragon as racist. It’s somewhat stereotypical, sure, but if Sue thinks that’s racist, I dread to think what her reaction to Talons is going to be.” – John G

NOTES: Sue greeted the news that The Mind of Evil had been recolourised exactly the same way I did. With complete indifference.

THE CLAWS OF AXOS

BLOGGED: 3 December 2011

EPISODE ONE

Sue: Is this one definitely in colour?
Me: Oh yes, this is definitely in colour.

A mysterious object is hurtling through space.

Sue: It’s a bowling pin with a mushroom on top.

The camera moves behind the spacecraft.

Sue: Actually, it doesn’t look that bad from this angle. It’s very organic, like Kosh’s ship in Babylon 5.

But something extremely odd is travelling on this ship.

Sue: What’s with all the meatballs?

Meanwhile, on Earth...

Sue: Is that Ronnie Barker?
Me: No, that’s Mr Chinn.
Sue: Mr Double-Chin, surely!

As the Tory MP blusters around UNIT HQ like a demented pit bull terrier, Sue tunes out and concentrates on Jo Grant’s outfit instead.

Sue: She looks very prim and proper this week. She may even be wearing a bra. Her skirt is ridiculously short, but I love her pink boots.
Me: If you keep your eyes open, you’ll get see her knickers later.
Sue: Trust you to notice something like that.

Oh, look – it’s Pigbin Josh.

Sue: It’s Kenny Bottles!
Me: Who the hell is Kenny Bottles?
Sue: When I was a kid, probably when this first went out, Kenny Bottles would come down our street every Friday to collect everyone’s empty pop bottles so he could get the deposit money back from the local shop. And he was the spitting double of this bloke, here. He had a bike, as well. I would tease my younger brother, Kenny, by calling him Kenny Bottles. It used to make him cry.
Me: Ooh arrr!

As the Axon ship heads towards Earth, the military try to shoot it out of the sky.

Sue: I’m on the Doctor’s side this week. I’d be a pompous git as well if I was surrounded by these idiots.

And then Sue’s mood becomes quite pensive.

Sue: Has this story got a good reputation with the fans?
Me: Stop asking me that. Make up your own mind. I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of leading you.
Sue: I’d like to see you try.

An American agent named Bill Filer is searching for the Master.

Sue: Is he supposed to be the American Gene Hunt?
Me: I like to think of him as the 1970s Jack Bauer.
Nicol: I wouldn’t want to watch 24 hours of this!
Me: Oh hello, Nicol. Actually, you should probably stick around for this story – it features a particle accelerator.

Nicol is just in time to witness the Doctor patronising Jo.

Sue: So when does feminism turn up in Doctor Who? Jo has saved the Doctor’s life several times now. He should be begging her to come with him instead of being such a sexist pig. And just as I was starting to like him.

The Axon ship has buried itself deep within the Earth, and when its sphincter-like doors are opened, Sue raises a quizzical eyebrow.

Sue: The alien ship is basically a cross between a giant penis and a giant arsehole. Freud would have had a field day with this.

But if the exterior of the ship is a bit weird, that’s nothing compared to what’s waiting inside.

Sue: Well, they’re trying, I’ll give them that. It reminds me of the textile aisle in Ikea. It’s probably the curtains that do it.

And then Sue is reunited with an old friend.

Sue: Not the bloody Master again!
Nicol: The gold people look like they should be standing around Covent Garden or Piccadilly Circus. They’d make a fortune.
Me: Don’t worry, a particle accelerator will be along shortly.

The Axons have arrived on Earth bearing the gift of Axonite, a mineral that can supposedly eradicate famine forever, a claim they back up by growing an enormous frog.

Me: The French would bloody love that.
Sue: That’s a bit racist.

When the Axons’ true form is finally revealed (if you can ignore the first few seconds of the episode, that is), Sue isn’t impressed.

Sue: It looks like an explosion in a spaghetti factory.

EPISODE TWO

Nicol: So where’s this particle accelerator?
Me: Stick with it, Nicol.

The Master and Filer agree to join forces so they can escape from the Axon ship.

Sue: It looks like they’re trapped in the world’s strangest brothel.

Chinn orders the British Army to place UNIT under arrest so he can secure exclusive distribution rights for the Axonite.

Sue: You can’t arrest the Brig! What’s he playing at? And why is this location full of ticking clocks?

We discover that the Master was working with the Axons before they double-crossed him.

Sue: The Master is making a habit of this. He’s very naive, isn’t he? I almost feel sorry for the daft arse.

Nicol howls with laughter when she finally claps eyes on the cyclotron (“It’s a shower cubicle!”), and the meter that measures the speed of light is hilarious, apparently.

Nicol: To be fair, this is years ahead of its time. This sort of science is still cutting edge today.

The power complex’s head of research demands to know when the Doctor was last published.

Me: Typical academic. I’ve been to conferences like this.

The Doctor wants to take a look at the Axonite, just in case he can use it to fix his TARDIS.

Sue: This Doctor never does owt for nowt. There always has to be something in it for him.

Filer is gripped by the cuddly claws of Axos.

Sue: Did Filer just fart, or is Dudley Simpson resting on his keyboard again?

And then, because this isn’t weird enough already, the eye of Axos puts in an appearance.

Sue: That doesn’t look anything like a giant penis. No, not at all.

The Master begs the Axons to let him have his gun back.

Sue: The Master has a laser gun! He’ll be asking the Axons for his ball back next.

The Master sneaks away with all the finesse of a cat armed with a laser gun.

Sue: The Master is much more exciting to watch than the Doctor. He’s having his own little adventure this week. It’s certainly more engaging than the Doctor bickering with a bloody academic.

The Master hypnotises a young UNIT soldier.

Sue: Mind control: check. Okay, so when does someone fling themselves off a high wall?

The Doctor places some Axonite in the cyclotron. The needle on the speed of light meter begins to rise.

Nicol: The Doctor has just created a tachyon.
Me: That’s my favourite theoretical particle.
Sue: It’s a very wobbly set. That was pretty bad, actually. That’s shoddy workmanship, that is.

As the Axonite overloads the cyclotron, Winser hurls insults at the Doctor.

Sue: What did he just call him?
Me: A stupid quack.
Nicol: I thought he called him a stupid quark.
Sue: I thought he called him a stupid twat.

Our heroes are surrounded by spaghetti-Axons.

Sue: I really like this story, but the production values are letting it down. I bet this would be really good if they made it today. Properly, I mean.

EPISODE THREE

The reprise from last week just gives Sue another opportunity to criticise the proto-Axon crawling across the floor.

Sue: You can tell it’s some poor sod with a blanket over him.
Me: As opposed to the BBC employing a real alien, you mean?

A cushion sails over my head. Her aim is almost as bad as Benton’s.

Sue: The monsters are rubbish, but at least their weapons are effective. I’ll give them that.

Sue nods appreciatively as Chinn is bollocked by his superiors.

Sue: I know I’ve been banging on about the Doctor being a bit of a Tory, but this story is definitely anti-establishment. The British government (who are clearly Tories) are obviously the bad guys, and incompetent bad guys at that. It’s swings and roundabouts, I suppose, but I definitely prefer the Doctor in this story. Having said that, his hair is very bouffant this week. He’s obviously just had a shampoo and set.

The Master infiltrates the Nunton Complex disguised as an army general.

Sue: Oh, that’s rubbish. His mask looks exactly like him, so why even bother? I bet he isn’t called the Master because he’s a master of disguise, that’s for sure.

When the Doctor refuses to cooperate with the Axons, they retaliate by aging Jo Grant to death.

Sue: The Doctor is terrified that he’ll end up with an old woman for a companion. He’s ageist as well as sexist.

UNIT try to disable a spaghetti-Axon – and fail miserably.

Sue: The Axons look ridiculous, but they don’t half kick arse.

The Brigadier and the Master are forced into an uneasy alliance.

Sue: I think I’d prefer to see the Master working with UNIT than the Doctor. They should swap roles. I’m always disappointed when we cut back to Pertwee gurning in a chair.
Me: Look! It’s Jo Grant’s purple knickers!

A cushion hits me square in the jaw. And then the Master tries to blow up the Axons’ ship, even though the Doctor and Jo are still inside.

Me: You didn’t have a lot to say about that episode.
Sue: That’s because I liked it.
Me: Well, in that case we’ll be lucky if we get a couple of sentences out of you when we reach Tom Baker.
Sue: I wouldn’t count on it, love.

EPISODE FOUR

Me: The Doctor just slapped Jo across the face. Don’t you want to say anything about that?
Sue: I missed it. All I can see are BAFTA trophies floating across the screen. I bet this would be great if you were on drugs.

The eye of Axos methodically spells out the plot.

Sue: The best thing about this story is the lead Axon’s voice. I can actually understand it, instead of it being some electronic nonsense I can barely make out. This is much more scary. It’s so calm.

As the particle accelerator threatens to overload, the head of the power complex bravely prepares to enter the chamber.

Sue: He’s going to need more than a pair of oven gloves to deal with that.
Me: It Ain’t Half Radioactive, Mum.

The Doctor makes a deal with the Master.

Sue: The Doctor must be pulling the Master’s leg. Because he won’t run away and leave everyone to die, will he? Actually, he’s done it before...

Yates and Benton are attacked by the Axons as they hurtle down a country road in a Jeep.

Sue: The Axons are a big fat mess. Run them over!

Benton sacrifices the Jeep by tossing a grenade into the back seat.

Sue: What a waste of a good Jeep. I’d love a Jeep like that. In fact, what I’d really like is a Land Rover Defender.
Me: Put one on your Amazon wish list.
Sue: Dudley Simpson should put some music lessons on his Amazon wish list. It sounds like a small child has been let loose on a Bontempi organ.

Sue is so gripped by the story’s climax, she stops talking for several minutes, and it’s only when she notices that the TARDIS has suddenly started doing what the Doctor tells it to that she finally breaks her silence.

Sue: Has the Master fixed the Doctor’s TARDIS for him? That definitely shows the Doctor up.

The Nunton Power Complex explodes and both Jo and the Brigadier are mightily relieved when the TARDIS rematerialises again.

Sue: Does that mean the Doctor can fly his TARDIS properly now? He can go wherever he wants? It’s about time!

Sadly, the Doctor is now some sort of galactic yo-yo.

Sue: Bugger.

THE SCORE

Sue: I enjoyed that. The plot was interesting – it would definitely work again today – and the direction was pretty good, as well. The special effects let it down a bit, but at least they were trying something different for a change. I didn’t mind that one at all, mainly because it didn’t outstay its welcome. I’ll give it:

7/10

COMMENT: “Nicol is like the Brigadier: a semi-regular who pops in to destroy something in the episode before disappearing again without mention.” – Huw Davies

NOTES: Nicol was studying for a Masters degree in Applied Mathematics during this phase of the blog, which may explain why she keeps popping up as our unofficial scientific adviser. Anything was preferable to exam revision, apparently.

COLONY IN SPACE

BLOGGED: 10 December 2011

EPISODE ONE

This episode begins with a massive spoiler.

Sue: So the Master’s in this one as well?

We both sigh.

Sue: Oh, it’s the Time Lords! Have they decided to end the Doctor’s exile? That was quick. I don’t think he’s learned a damn thing.

The Doctor, who’s completely oblivious to all this, is tinkering with his faulty dematerialisation circuit.

Sue: Why is he playing with a skateboard wheel? And what does Jo actually do between alien invasions, apart from answer the phone?

The Doctor leads Jo into the TARDIS for a quick tour, but the ship suddenly dematerialises without the Doctor’s consent. Seconds later, a perplexed Brigadier walks into the now-empty room.

Me: Do you wish the Brigadier had gone with them?
Sue: Not really. Somebody has to stay behind and look after the Earth.

Nicol joins us as a mining robot traverses a bleak alien landscape.

Nicol: It’s basically Wall-E, but not as cute.

And then the TARDIS arrives.

Me: Did you notice that the TARDIS materialises slightly differently in this story? It just pops into the frame.
Sue: I can’t say I’m bothered, really. I suppose the fans get worked up about that, do they? Don’t tell me – they blame it on the Time Lords because they’re controlling the Doctor’s TARDIS. Am I right?

Waiting outside the TARDIS doors is an alien world.

Sue: What happened to the Doctor’s little porch? I liked his little porch. That little porch explained a lot.

Jo starts freaking out.

Sue: It’s an interesting reaction. It’s very realistic, and I like that. I’d feel the same way if I suddenly found myself on an alien planet. Actually, this is how I felt when I arrived at that Doctor Who convention in Newcastle the other week.
Nicol: I don’t like Jo’s belt. She looks like she’s wearing a seatbelt that she’s stolen from a plane.
Sue: Yes, it is very Wonder Woman.
Me: Oh look, it’s Penny’s dad from Just Good Friends.
Sue: He’s in Doctor Who quite a lot. He can’t get enough of it. I bet he always auditioned for the part of the Doctor when it came up.

The colonists can’t stop banging on about crop rotations and mineral rights.

Sue: So this is basically the same plot as Avatar, yes? Does Jo fall in love with one of the green blokes?

And then the colonists are attacked by a giant lizard.

Sue: Quick! We’re surrounded by back projection! Run! Hey, hang on a minute... How did that giant lizard get through the bloody door?

The Doctor makes the same observation.

Me: You are just as clever as the Doctor, love. Well done.

As Sue pats herself on the back, the Doctor is attacked by an IMC robot.

Sue: That isn’t even remotely scary.
Nicol: It looks like a surprised kitten.

EPISODE TWO

The Doctor’s new mode of transportation leaves a lot to be desired.

Sue: Didn’t the Banana Splits ride around in buggies like that?
Me: (Pointing at Morgan) Who’s that, Sue?
Sue: I have no idea.
Me: Come on, love. You’ll let me down if you don’t recognise him.
Sue: Is it Downtown Abbey Man?
Me: Downtown Abbey Man would have been eight years old when this was made.
Nicol: Oh, mother!
Me: And to think I actually sell this blog on your ability to recognise actors who have appeared in EastEnders.

Five minutes later, the penny drops.

Sue: Oh, it’s Barry’s dad!
Me: Yes, it’s Barry’s dad. Aka Roy Evans, or Tony Caunter to his friends.
Sue: Is the Doctor drinking Ribena?
Nicol: No, it’s blood. I told you he was dressed as Dracula. At least the other characters refer to the fact that the Doctor is wearing fancy dress, although it’s a bit rich coming from someone dressed in a tabard.
Sue: This spaceship looks like your average Travelodge. It just needs a little coffee maker. It’s even got cable TV – look!

Nicol sniggers at the Doctor’s combat moves when he’s ambushed by green-skinned natives, but Sue is distracted by something else.

Sue: Oi! Roy Evans! How about getting out of the car and giving the Doctor a hand? You coward!

Sue thinks she’s identified a subtle in-joke.

Sue: Gail Tilsley just laughed when she mentioned Jim’ll Fix It.
Me: It isn’t a reference to Jim’ll Fix It, because that doesn’t start for another four years.
Sue: Really? So why did she laugh like that? It’s as if she knew.
Me: Either Helen Worth is a time traveller with incredibly low aspirations or it’s just a coincidence. Take your pick.

When Morgan and the Doctor reach the dome, Nicol points excitedly at the screen.

Nicol: It’s the Crystal Dome from The Crystal Maze! Is it full of shiny bits of paper?
Sue: It’s a mini-Epcot. I’d love to live in a dome like that. That design is particularly good against wind.

The Doctor is attacked by a robot with monster claws for hands.

Sue: That is ridiculous.
Nicol: They should have stuck some cat paws on it.
Sue: When does the Master turn up?

EPISODE THREE

Sue: The colonists’ hair is very shiny, especially when you consider that they live in a dust bowl. They don’t have any food but they’ve got plenty of conditioner.

As Caldwell ruminates on the colonists’ predicament, Sue comes up with a theory.

Sue: This guy reminds me of the Brigadier. He’ll come good in the end. You can tell because he has a moustache. Only the bad don’t have moustaches, apart from the Doctor and Jo, of course. Oh, and the bad guy who’s pretending to be a good guy and has a beard. It’s fairly easy to work out.

Nicol: The costumes are all over the place – it’s a cross between Tron and Game of Thrones.

Winton is machine-gunned off-screen by Caldwell.

Sue: How grim is this? Oh, wait, he’s got a moustache so he’s only pretending to be bad.

The colonists and IMC continue to argue over the rights to the planet Uxarieus.

Sue: Why are the colonists so determined to stay on this shit hole? It’s not exactly Barbados, is it? Or that lovely planet in Avatar. They can’t even get their crops to grow there. I’d have left this dump ages ago.

The episode concludes with Jo being shoved into a hole in a wall.

Sue: I’m enjoying this. I think I like it because it isn’t about the Doctor for a change. I enjoy learning about the other characters and their predicaments. It’s very involving. Yeah, I like this a lot.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: So it really was back projection all along!
Me: And they would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky colonists. Yes, this is basically a politically-charged version of Scooby-Doo.

And then the Master turns up to muddy the waters even further.

Sue: Ooh! It’s the Master!
Me: You knew he was coming. They gave it away in the very first sentence of the story!
Sue: I knew he was coming, but I’m still surprised to see him. Does that make any sense?
Me: No, it bloody doesn’t.
Sue: It throws my facial hair theory out of the window, though. Which is a shame.

The primitives’ leader doesn’t have a moustache, either.

Sue: It’s a baby with a walnut for a head! That is very disturbing. Anything that looks like a baby but talks like an adult is wrong. It’s starting to freak me out.

The episode concludes with the Master threatening to shoot the Doctor and Jo.

Sue: You know, this isn’t bad at all. If this were four episodes, it would be perfect.
Me: There are still two left.
Sue: I know.

EPISODE FIVE

It’s another one of those episodes where Sue doesn’t comment much; a combination of her being genuinely involved in the story and running out of things to say about moustaches.

Sue: I really like the Master. He’s always fun to watch. He’s charming and you can’t help but root for him.

The Doctor and Jo break into the Master’s TARDIS.

Sue: It looks exactly like the Doctor’s. Do they make TARDISes out of Gallifreyan flatpacks?

But the Master’s TARDIS possesses something that the Doctor’s doesn’t: an anti-theft device.

Sue: Why doesn’t the Doctor have a security feature like that? The Master always shows him up, doesn’t he? And he doesn’t have a little porch either. That’s odd. It’s as if they’re filming this in the Doctor’s TARDIS...
Me: Don’t be absurd, woman!
Sue: And now the music sounds like something from The Clangers.
Me: The Clangers in Doctor Who? Don’t be ridiculous!

Jo trips the Master’s alarm (“You dozy mare!”) and gas starts pouring into the console room.

Sue: Stick your cloak in the pipe!

The colonists are told that not only will they have to leave the planet, they can’t take more than seven kilos of luggage with them.

Sue: That’s even worse than Ryanair!

And then the Master threatens to kill Jo with a Bakewell tart.

Sue: I’m still enjoying this... Please stop looking at me like that, Neil.

EPISODE SIX

The Master and the Doctor are taken to the lumber-room.

Sue: What the hell is a lumber-room? Where are all the planks of wood? You can’t tease me with carpentry and then fail to deliver like that.

The Master shows off Uxarieus’ Doomsday weapon.

Sue: The Doctor and the Master always end up working together at the end. The Master is crying out for some sort of relationship with his so-called nemesis. He must be really lonely. I think the Master needs to get himself a companion.

And then, for no readily apparent reason, Winton wrestles an IMC guard in the mud.

Sue: This isn’t turning me on, you know. I just want to be clear about that. Ouch! I think he really just punched him in the face!

The colonists’ ship takes off. And then immediately explodes.

Sue: No way! That’s fucking grim! They must have snuck out when no one was looking. They’ll be fine... It’s fine... It had better be fine, Neil!

As the Master tempts the Doctor with universal domination, Sue thinks she’s about to witness the start of the Time War.

Sue: Does the Doctor blow up Gallifrey with this super-weapon? Is that what happens?

But the Master’s plans are interrupted by the high priest in a high chair.

Sue: Uh oh, here comes Yoda again.

The Doctor sets the Doomsday weapon to self-destruct.

Sue: Why didn’t they do that earlier? Is it because the walnut baby couldn’t reach the lever with his tiny arms?

The Master evacuates the city.

Sue: The Master runs like a girl!

The Doctor and Jo escape as the city explodes behind them.

Sue: Why kill all the natives like that? It wasn’t their fault! That was a bit extreme.

The Master escapes in his TARDIS.

Sue: The Master’s TARDIS just popped out of shot, and he isn’t controlled by the Time Lords, so that blows that theory out of the water. All you’re left with now is an incompetent director.

Meanwhile back at UNIT HQ...

Sue: Yay! The Brig! I’ve missed him.

The Brigadier isn’t impressed by the Doctor’s little jaunt.

Sue: So they’ve only been gone a few seconds. That’s clever.
Me: It didn’t feel like a few seconds to me.
Sue: Oh, do shut up, Neil.

THE SCORE

Sue: The final episode was very weak. The first four episodes were great – it was actually heading for top marks at one point – but the alien creatures let it down. And even though I like the Master, was he really necessary? His inclusion felt like a contractual obligation. In fact, the plot was pretty good until it went a bit mad towards the end. The acting was quite good, too. It’s a tough one. I’ve seen a lot worse. Yeah, I think I’ll give it a respectable:

6/10

Me: Phew. Anything higher than a six and I would have divorced you.
Sue: I don’t see what your problem is. Can I mark it up to an eight, just to annoy you?
Me: I’ll grow a moustache if you do.

COMMENT: “The relentless, merciless brownness of it all...” – Matt Sharp

NOTES: I’m not sure if it comes across in the blog, but I can’t fucking stand Colony in Space. In fact, I’m pretty sure this was the first – and only – time I ever sat through the whole thing. So thanks for that, Sue.

THE DæMONS

BLOGGED: 14 December 2011

EPISODE ONE

A man is walking his dog in a raging thunderstorm when his pet is suddenly killed off-screen by some unseen, malevolent force.

Sue: Right! That’s a mark off straightaway. There was no need for that.

She doesn’t care about the dog’s owner of course, even when he meets the same horrible fate.

And then the action shifts to the Doctor tinkering with Bessie in his garage. As Jo starts bleating on about the Age of Aquarius, the Doctor berates her silly, superstitious ways, exclaiming that he’ll never make a real scientist out of her.

Sue: How is getting her to answer the phones all day supposed to turn her into a scientist? The Doctor can be so patronising, sometimes. He’s definitely got out on the wrong side of the bed again this week.

The Doctor proves that magic doesn’t exist by having Bessie drive around all by itself. It even honks its horn via remote control.

Sue: It’s not exactly KITT, is it? I mean, it isn’t even Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.

Meanwhile a reporter for BBC3 is recording a piece to camera from Devil’s Hump, a Bronze Age burial mound that’s about to be excavated later that night.

Sue: It’s Most Haunted meets Time Team meets Nationwide.

Sue likes the way the media are on hand to deliver the story’s background exposition, and she hopes Alistair Fergus and his crew become integral to the plot.

Sue: This is great. It feels really fresh. I love it.

And then the Master turns up.

Sue: Oh no! Not again! Seriously, this is getting silly now. Is the Master in every Jon Pertwee story?
Me: No.
Sue: Good, I don’t think I could carry on with this if he was. Don’t get me wrong, I like the character, I just can’t buy into the idea that he’s responsible for absolutely everything. It’s just a contractual thing, isn’t it? Does he actually play an important role in this story? He better bloody had.

The Master is embroiled in an animated discussion about the human soul with the local White Witch, Miss Hawthorne.

Sue: Is this the first children’s television programme to feature a psychopathic vicar using the word “existentialism”? I want to be sure.

The Doctor and Jo race to Devil’s End in Bessie, but when an ill wind sends them in the wrong direction, the Doctor blames Jo’s map reading skills for the unwanted detour.

Sue: I hate it when the Doctor isn’t pleasant to Jo. There’s no need for it. Incidentally, I had a purple hat like Jo’s when I was growing up. I called it my Donny Osmond hat. I bloody loved that hat.

Deep in some catacombs, the Master prepares to unleash hell.

Sue: Why is that gargoyle smoking a cigarette?
Me: That’s his tongue, Sue.
Sue: Fuck off, Neil, that’s a Woodbine!

When the tomb is opened, the Doctor is knocked unconscious by an icy blast, although this detail is completely wasted on Sue.

Sue: The quality of this print is horrendous, Neil.
Me: I’m sorry but this is the only copy I have. It’s a digital rip of a VHS. It’s the best I can do.
Sue: It looks like we’re watching a snuff film.

EPISODE TWO

Benton and Yates tune into BBC3 just in time to see Jo cooing over a prostrate Doctor. And then the channel cuts the live transmission.

Me: "In place of our advertised programme, here’s an episode of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps."
Sue: Or My Fat Dog Smells Like Cheese.

The Doctor has been frozen solid.

Sue: It’s not exactly Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back, but it’s close.
Me: I know.
Sue: How long has the Master been living in this village? Weeks? Months? Did he have to give weekly sermons in order to blend in with the local community? Did he open many fetes? Christen any children? Did he marry anyone? Would it still count if he did? Is there any fan-fiction written about this period in the Master’s life?
Me: That’s niche, even for Doctor Who fans.

Yates can’t reach the Brigadier because he left the opera and went on somewhere else without leaving a contact number. I casually suggest that Alistair is conducting an extramarital affair.

Sue: He had better not be!
Me: He is. With a nice woman named Doris.
Sue: I don’t believe you.

Benton and Yates decide to fly to the village by helicopter. Probably because it’s cooler than driving there in a battered Austin Maxi.

Sue: There’s a lot of padding in this story.
Me: Yes, and that’s just Mike’s jacket.
Sue: It’s got a decent enough budget, though. UNIT really like their helicopters, don’t they?

When they reach their destination, Mike decides to change into something more comfortable.

Sue: One minute he looks like Action Man, the next minute he looks like an Open University lecturer.

Things are so bad, the Brigadier has to be woken up.

Sue: Is he in bed with his fancy woman?
Me: No, he’s sneaked back to his poor wife.
Sue: You’re winding me up. The Brig is a good man. He’d never cheat on his wife like that. He’s the Brig!

The Master learns that the Doctor has been poking his enormous nose into his affairs.

Sue: Why is the Master so surprised? The Doctor always stumbles across his stupid plans. Wait, don’t tell me: the Devil will betray the Master and he’ll have to ask the Doctor for help, just so he can get out of this stupid mess he’s made. And then he’ll run away. I could write this, you know.

The episode concludes with a gargoyle threatening the Doctor and Jo.

Sue: There’s something very Weeping Angel about this monster. Although the Weeping Angels looked great, and this looks stupid.

EPISODE THREE

The Doctor keeps Bok at bay with a Venusian lullaby.

Sue: Look at the Master’s face when the gargoyle runs away – because it’s scared of a trowel, I might add. It’s the look of a man who’s used to disappointment.

The Doctor gets his slide projector out and begins lecturing everybody about the plot.

Sue: How does Jo know where the planet Dæmos is? Does the Doctor give her private lectures in the evenings, after she’s finished answering the phones all day?

The Brigadier threatens to call in an airstrike; the Doctor calls the Brigadier an idiot; the Brigadier relents; Jo says the Brig was stupid to call in an airstrike; the Doctor bites Jo’s head off.

Sue: What a hypocrite! He’s called the Brigadier a lot worse than that, and now he decides to humiliate Jo while she’s defending him! What a pompous, unlikable cunt! Pertwee makes William Hartnell look like Patrick Troughton!

The Doctor explains that the Dæmon is small enough to be practically invisible.

Sue: If this Dæmon is so tiny, why don’t they just stamp on it? Just jump up and down on the floor – you might get lucky.

The Master calls a meeting of the villagers so he can scare the living crap out of them.

Me: It’s one of those rare meetings where something actually got done.

As the Doctor races to the heat barrier in Bessie (so he can be rude to a technician in person), the helicopter, which has been commandeered by one of the Master’s followers, swoops in to pester him.

Sue: This is completely unnecessary. Exciting but unnecessary. And badly directed, too. What is the helicopter trying to do, exactly? Besides annoy the hell out of the Doctor? And Yates is effing useless!

The helicopter flies into the heat barrier and explodes.

Sue: Listen to that wind! And yet Pertwee’s bouffant hasn’t moved an inch. Now that’s what I call magic.
Me: That sound isn’t the wind – it’s the heat barrier.
Sue: They should have used a nice low hum instead. This is bloody torture.

The episode ends with the Master cowering in fear before the mighty Azal.

Sue: He definitely hasn’t thought this through. Again.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: I bet it was a pain in the arse to put the ‘a’ and the ‘e’ together on a 1970s title generator...

We get our first good look at Azal’s feet.

Sue: Oh look, the devil wears stockings. And Jimmy Choo shoes, too!

Azal bosses the Master around.

Sue: This has turned into Monty Python, now. The devil will ask the Master to bring him a shrubbery, next.

When Mike realises that Jo has sneaked away, he calls her a “little idiot”.

Sue: Is it ‘Be A Total Bastard to Jo Day’, today, or what?

But at least the village of Aldbourne looks nice.

Sue: It’s beautiful. I’d love to live there. Well, once they get things back to normal again. Do they run Doctor Who tours around the village? I’d probably reconsider if they do.

When the Doctor finishes patronising the UNIT technician, he gets on a motorcycle and races back to the village.

Sue: Meanwhile on Top Gear... Look, it’s no good. I can’t get into this story. There’s something about it that just isn’t working for me.
Me: Is it anything in particular?
Sue: I’m bored of the Master. Even the actor who plays him is bored. It’s as if he isn’t taking it seriously any more. And the story doesn’t know what it wants to be, either. Is it a comedy? Is it supposed to be scary? Is it James Bond? What the hell is it? Oh, and now it’s turned into The Wicker Man.

The Doctor is assaulted by Morris dancers.

Sue: Why haven’t you got any Morris dancers in your Doctor Who doll collection? They’re a lot scarier than the Ice Warriors.

The Master prepares to summon Azal once again, but when the Time Lord reaches for a ritual sacrifice – in this case a big fat hen –Jo breaks cover to stop him.

Sue: Jo must really love those chickens. Bless her.

Azal is revealed in all his majesty.

Sue: Does that mean the Master killed that chicken? Marks off!

As Azal’s features fill the screen, Sue sighs.

Sue: That’s a bit clichéd.
Me: I know! That’s the whole bloody point!
Sue: Shouting at me won’t make it any better, love.

EPISODE FIVE

My copy of this episode is so atrocious, the first few minutes are practically unwatchable. It’s pixelated, it’s smeared with artefacts, and the bloody sound sync is miles out. I’ve scoured torrent sites, newsgroups and other reliable sources for an alternative, but it’s always the same problem. Annoyingly, the original VHS tape is sitting in my attic, but I don’t have a VCR to play it on.

Despite this, Sue battles bravely on as Bok blocks the entrance to the church by defiantly folding his arms.

Sue: If your name isn’t on the list, you’re not coming in.

As UNIT prepare to punch a hole in the heat barrier, Sue decides it’s time to name her Man of the Match.

Sue: That poor technician with the glasses is the best character in this story. He’s brave and resourceful, and he’s put up with loads of shit. Does he become a regular character? What’s his name?
Me: I have no idea.
Sue: Well, I guess that answers that question, then.

The Brigadier delivers one of his most famous lines – “Chap with the wings, there. Five rounds rapid!” – but Sue couldn’t care less.

Sue: Benton and Yates should have been given their own spin-off series. It would have been like The Professionals, but with more sexual tension. Actually, that reminds me: where are Torchwood when all this is going on? You’d have thought this would have been right up their street.

The Doctor fights back with sarcasm.

Sue: The Doctor just referred to Hitler as a bounder. That’s almost as bad as calling the 911 terrorists “folks”.

But Azal isn’t having any of it.

Sue: Could someone please give Azal a tissue? He’s dribbling all over himself.

UNIT try – and fail – to take out Bok (“Just imagine how rubbish they’d be against a Weeping Angel...”), so Benton brings out the heavy artillery.

Sue: Benton’s smirking at Yates because he’s got the bigger gun.

Azal assaults the Doctor, but Jo throws herself in front of the psychic bullet. Azal takes this very badly indeed.

Sue: I’m sorry, but I can’t understand a word he’s saying.

When the Doctor explains that Azal was killed thanks to Jo’s irrational behaviour, Sue ignores the sexist undercurrent and decides to focus on the positive instead.

Sue: So Jo saved the entire world yet again, then? If the Doctor is nasty to her ever again, I’m going to stop watching this rubbish.

Benton apprehends the Master on the village green.

Sue: Just shoot him in the head! No, wait, don’t! Lock him up and don’t let him out for several episodes. Oh wait, he’s going to escape! Benton, you are pathetic!

Thankfully, the Master is stopped by Bessie (“Does Bessie count as a companion?”) and the story – and the season – concludes with Yates asking the Brigadier for a dance.

Sue: See! I told you!

Although the Brigadier would rather go for a pint.

Sue: I bet that’s code.

THE SCORE

Sue: That was definitely the worst Jon Pertwee story so far. It just didn’t do anything for me. It didn’t know what it wanted to be. And the Master is beyond a joke now. Although he did come quite close to pulling off his evil plan this week, so he’s getting better, I suppose. Just give him a rest. And is it just me or is the music actually getting worse?

4/10

COMMENT: “Oh, there’s definitely fan fiction about the Master’s period as a vicar in Devil’s End: http://churchontime.livejournal.com/6598.html” – Matthew Kilburn

NOTES: Sue’s Man of the Match was Sergeant Tom Osgood, whose daughter will eventually be murdered by a female incarnation of the Master in an episode that features a cameo by the Brigadier, who is both dead and a Cyberman. Unless Osgood is still alive and her Zygon duplicate was killed instead. Who knows?

And if you’d told me that in 2011, I would have laughed in your face.

SEASON NINE

SIMMER DOWN, SUE

This illustration funded by David H Adler

DAY OF THE DALEKS

BLOGGED: 16 December 2011

EPISODE ONE

Me: I’m sorry, but I need you to close your eyes during this title sequence.
Sue: Why?
Me: Because the title of this story is a massive spoiler.
Sue: Wait, don’t tell me... Is it The Return of the Master?
Me: No.
Sue: Is it The Return of the Cybermen?
Me: Look...
Sue: The Return of the Daleks?
Me: Stop it!
Sue: It had better not be The Return of the Toymaker.
Me: Just close your eyes.
Sue: Okay... Can I look now?
Me: Hang on... Wait... Okay, you can open them now.
Sue: This had better be worth it, Neil.

The story begins when Sir Reginald Styles, organiser of the Second World Peace Conference, narrowly survives an assassination attempt by a guerrilla who vanishes into thin air. UNIT are called in to investigate.

Sue: Do UNIT change their base of operations every week? Do they ever appear in the same location twice?

The Doctor is playing with his faulty dematerialisation circuit.

Sue: He still can’t get his skateboard working properly. And my, doesn’t Jo look pretty today. That’s a very good look for Jo.

The Doctor and Jo are visited by projections of their future selves.

Sue: You know, I’m sure they’ve done this gag before.

Meanwhile the guerrilla who failed to kill Styles is desperately trying to run away from something.

Sue: He looks like Tom Petty.

Suddenly, two hulking, ape-like Ogrons appear from nowhere and shoot him dead.

Sue: Are they Klingons? Is it called Doctor Who and the Klingons?

The Ogrons report to their Controller.

Sue: This guy looks like David Cameron.

One of the Ogrons matter-of-factly boasts that there were no complications.

Sue: He’s having a laugh! Did he think he was still in rehearsals? Why didn’t the director demand another take? Was he sacked? Has anyone ever tracked him down and interviewed him for a DVD extra? I think he should explain himself.

And then, thanks to me, Sue enjoys a nice surprise.

Sue: Ooh! It’s a Dalek! Right, okay, I understand now. I bet the kids were made up when they saw that. Brilliant.

The Doctor takes the place of Sir Reginald, and as he waits for the guerrillas to return, he passes the time eating cheese and drinking wine.

Sue: He really is a pompous twat, isn’t he?

Jo wants to feed Benton some strong cheese, but Yates wants the Sergeant to check on the UNIT patrols instead.

Sue: How is Yates superior to Benton in rank, exactly? How is that even possible?

The episode concludes with three – count ’em – Daleks announcing to the world that they’re back and ready to kick ass.

Sue: It’s nice to see the Daleks again. It’s not really Doctor Who without them.
Me: Do you notice anything different about them?
Sue: They’re in colour?
Me: Well, yes, obviously. Anything else?
Sue: They sound different?
Me: I know! Isn’t it terrible?
Sue: I like the new voices. I can actually understand them.

EPISODE TWO

Sue: What the hell? Is there something wrong with our DVD?

She’s referring to the opening recap, which also includes the music sting from last week’s cliffhanger. It’s very jarring and Sue’s convinced that the director, Paul Bernard, couldn’t give a shit. He hasn’t thought through the doors in this futuristic city, for a start.

Sue: You wouldn’t catch me standing under a door like that, it could snap back and slap you in the face.

Meanwhile the Brigadier, surrounded by a pool of clattering typists, is on the phone to the Ministry.

Sue: It’s like Dickie Davies on World of Sport... The Brig is always on the phone, isn’t he? He’s always juggling some balls in the air.
Me: Maybe that’s how he keeps his affair with Doris a secret.

Time-travelling guerrillas capture the Doctor and Jo, but when she complains about this development, the Doctor gives her a good dressing down.

Sue: Does Jon Pertwee ever mellow out, like William Hartnell did? Jo’s saved the Doctor’s life several times now, and yet he still talks to her like she’s shit on his shoe. And at the same time he wants her to treat the people who have tied her up with compassion and respect! It’s totally inconsistent.

It suddenly becomes apparent that time-travel assassination paradoxes are going to play a big part in Day of the Daleks.

Sue: It’s The Terminator. Years before The Terminator, mind. I’m impressed. Seriously, I am.

Yes, The Outer Limits did something vaguely similar even earlier than Doctor Who (badly, I might add), but I can’t be arsed to get into that now. Sue’s impressed, let’s just leave it at that.

Sue: It’s impossible not to love Jo, but she isn’t written very well. She’s written with mild contempt, actually. Annette (she means Anat) is a strong female character, which proves that it can be done, so why is Jo written so badly?

At least she likes the Ogrons.

Sue: They’re proper scary. They remind me of the Orcs from the Lord of the Rings films.
Me: Well, Peter Jackson is a massive Doctor Who fan...
Sue: Yeah, I bet when they were making Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson put this story in his DVD player and said, “I want the Orcs to look exactly like that!” I bet that’s exactly how it happened.

I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not. Anyway, Sue is fascinated by the Controller’s make-up.

Sue: He looks plastic. He’s not an Auton, is he? Or is that silver paint on his face? It’s very New Romantic, whatever it is.

The Controller asks Jo for the date where she comes from, but – and this is crucial – he doesn’t ask her for the year.

Me: Damn it.
Sue: What’s wrong?

I pause the DVD and explain the basics of the UNIT dating controversy to Sue. She can’t be arsed, frankly, although she does point out that BBC3 doesn’t come along for several decades yet, so either the Pertwee era is set in the 2000s or “It’s probably just 1972″. So that’s another controversy cleared up by Sue.

Sue: These Daleks sound okay to me. Obviously they sound better nowadays when Briggsy (sic) does them, but I don’t have a problem with them. As long as I can understand them, I’m happy.

The Doctor picks up a gun.

Sue: You don’t see that every day... Bloody hell! He just killed an Orc! And he didn’t show any remorse! What’s he doing?

She’s so convinced that the Doctor couldn’t possibly have shot an Ogron in cold blood like that, she makes me rewind the DVD.

Sue: Oh dear. That can’t be right...

The episode climaxes as the Doctor runs into the Daleks.

Sue: I’m surprised he didn’t start shooting at them.

EPISODE THREE

In a moment of madness, I convinced myself that switching to the Special Edition of this story mid-stream, without telling Sue first, would be a good idea. Mainly because I wanted to see how long it would take her to realise that she was watching Day of the Daleks with 21st century special effects...

Sue: The Brig should be a lot stricter with the Doctor. He lets the Doctor walk all over him. He needs to toughen up a bit. Hang on a minute, that wasn’t like that before, was it? Eh? What?

The next thing that throws her are the Dalek voices, which are now provided by “Briggsy”.

Sue: Have they changed the Dalek voices? They sound different all of a sudden. Did they change the settings between episodes? Or are there two different timelines with two sets of Daleks? I’m really confused now...

The Daleks practically wet themselves when they realise who they’re up against.

Sue: I love how the Daleks freak out whenever they hear the Doctor’s name. They do that in the new series as well.

And then we’re treated to a glorious CGI landscape.

Sue: That’s nice. There are some lovely visual touches in this story.

Seriously, I am not making this up. I only wish I were.

Sue: You know, these Daleks sound great. I don’t know why people don’t like the Dalek voices in this story.

When the Controller begins talking to a female technician, Sue has an issue with the actress’ eye-line.

Sue: Is that woman blind? Did she just hand him something written in Braille? It might be a dictatorship but at least they’ve got an equal opportunities policy in the admin depart. Oh, maybe not... She’s looking straight at him, now. Well, that was very odd.

But not as odd as...

Sue: It’s Rob Shearman!

She’s pointing at the Senior Guard, who a) Deserves a much better credit, and b) Looks a bit like Rob Shearman if you squint really hard and watch this episode in the wrong aspect ratio.

Sue: It’s difficult to argue with someone while you’re lying on the floor, but Jon Pertwee is doing a pretty good job of it here. And when the bad guy says his family has ruled this sector for three generations, it means he’s definitely related to David Cameron.

As the Controller defends the status quo, the Doctor becomes more and more angry.

Sue: That’s the best the Doctor’s been in ages. That’s how the Doctor should act all the time.

The Doctor and Jo escape from an Ogron guard by smashing a bottle of wine over its head. The Doctor makes a joke about the wine’s vintage.

Sue: Leave the James Bond stuff to James Bond, thanks. That’s exactly how the Doctor shouldn’t behave.

Jo and the Doctor escape on a trike.

Sue: Is there anything this Doctor won’t drive?

A trike that isn’t exactly turbo-charged.

Sue: James Bond never would have lowered himself to this level. He’d have walked instead.

And then Sue notices something odd about the Ogron’s weapons.

Sue: There are green rays coming out of their guns, now. They didn’t have that before. This looks like Star Wars.

Pause.

Sue: Hang on a minute!

Yes, it took her all of 19 minutes to figure it out. I’m not making this up.

Sue: I thought it looked too good.
Me: I can’t believe you didn’t work it out sooner.
Sue: People will think I’m really thick, now. I knew something was up, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Thanks for that, Neil.

As the Doctor is subjected to the Dalek’s mind analysis machine, his past incarnations flash before his eyes.

Me: Does it give you a thrill to see all the old Doctors like this?
Sue: No, not even remotely. Sorry.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: Can we watch the Special Edition version, please?
Me: The blog’s readers will hit the roof.
Sue: Pretty please?
Me: Okay, but only if I can show you the original climax as well.
Sue: Two climaxes in one night. You really know how to spoil a girl.

Sue wants to know more about the Special Edition.

Sue: So what else do they change? Is it just the effects?
Me: Well, they take out, "No complications", for a start.
Sue: You can’t blame them for that. I would have done the same thing. And at least you can watch the original version if you feel the need, Neil. It’s not as if the BBC have done a George Lucas on you or anything.

Sue adores Aubrey Woods.

Sue: He’s very good. It’s a subtle and believable performance. The Master would have been chewing the scenery by now.

When Jo suddenly jumps to her feet, Sue gets an eye-full.

Sue: Jo is wearing red knickers this week.
Me: Damn it. I missed that.
Sue: Yeah, of course you did, Neil.

The Brigadier’s in a bit of a flap over the amount of security required for the peace conference at Auderly House.

Sue: The Brig is having a nightmare this week.
Me: He’s appearing in his own personal sitcom. An unwanted vicar will drop in on him any moment now.

The guerrillas want the Doctor to travel back in time and kill Sir Reginald, but the Doctor doesn’t want anything to do with cold-blooded murder.

Sue: You just killed an Orc! You didn’t have a problem with that!

The Doctor describes Styles as, “Vain to the point of arrogance, a trifle obstinate, perhaps, but basically a good man.”

Sue: Pot. Kettle. Black.

And then the Doctor tells the guerrillas that the future – the future they are so desperately trying to avoid – was created by their own, frankly stupid, actions.

Sue: Oooh. That’s clever. I didn’t see that coming. And Jon Pertwee is really going for it this week. This is very good. And it has nothing to do with the new special effects, either.

The Controller could stop the Doctor and Jo before they escape back to their own time, but he decides to let them go instead.

Sue: I knew he’d come good in the end. He can’t be related to David Cameron, after all. Oh no! Rob Shearman knows!

The Senior Guard grasses the Controller up to the Daleks. It’s as if he knows that a vacancy will open up as soon as his boss is exterminated.

Sue: Rob Shearman’s been promoted, and he’s chuffed to bits!

Meanwhile the media are out in force at Auderly House.

Sue: I like it when the programme uses the media to tell the story. They should do this every week. It feels really modern.

The Doctor tries to evacuate the building, but Styles won’t listen to reason.

Sue: Is the Doctor going to make sure that the Dalek timeline doesn’t happen, yes?
Me: Yes.
Sue: I thought the Time Lords exiled the Doctor to Earth so he wouldn’t interfere with stuff like this? It’s not really working, is it?

And then we enjoy the spectacle of UNIT battling Daleks and Ogrons. It really doesn’t get any better than this.

Sue: This is very exciting. Sure, the new effects definitely help, but the plot has an urgency to it. It’s a great way to start a new season.

The Daleks are blown up and the timeline returns to normal (we think).

THE SCORE

Sue: I enjoyed that one a lot. It had a great plot, a great script, some really nice performances and an excellent twist. The direction was all over the place – excellent one minute and appalling the next – but it had plenty of pace, and there were some outstanding moments. Plus it was only four episodes, which is the ideal length for a Doctor Who story. What’s not to like?

9/10

Me: We have to watch the original version now.
Sue: Do we have to? I think I can imagine what it looked like, thanks.

But a deal’s a deal...

Sue: (Irritated) There aren’t enough Daleks. There. What else do you want me to say? It looks crap. Oh dear, that Dalek can’t get through that door. Look, just switch it off, Neil. I’ve seen enough.
Me: Do you want to change your score?
Sue: Not really. I’m much more interested in the script and the characters. And it was a bloody good story.

COMMENT: “I hope you know that should you and Sue ever divorce, many of us would line up to marry her.” – Derrick

THE CURSE OF PELADON

BLOGGED: 23 December 2011

EPISODE ONE

Sue: So what’s Peladon, then? Is it a person or a place? Or an oil painting? Is it a cursed oil painting? Am I close?

She’s pointing at the model shot, which begins this story before the image eventually dissolves to...

Sue: And these are the corridors we’ll be running down later. I’ve seen better.

In Peladon’s throne room, the king is moderating an argument between two royal advisers.

Me: (Pointing at the king) Does this guy ring any bells?
Sue: Er... Roger Daltrey?

And then the TARDIS arrives.

Sue: So the Doctor’s allowed to pop off for a quick adventure, but he has to return to Earth when it’s over. What’s so terrible about that? Ian and Barbara would have loved that. He’s basically on parole, I guess.

Oh look, it’s Alpha Centauri.

Sue: Oh, purlease! What’s that supposed to be?

She’s struck dumb while her mind attempts to process the image. But she gets there in the end.

Sue: It’s a giant penis. No, wait. It’s a giant penis in a shower curtain.
Me: Just be thankful Alpha Centuari wasn’t pink. And imagine what it must have looked like without the shower curtain. That almost happened, believe it or not.
Sue: Please, Neil, don’t. Just don’t.
Me: At least the production team are trying to create something truly alien, and they aren’t just sticking bits of plastic on somebody’s forehead.

Sue perks up as soon as we go ‘outside’.

Sue: You’d never believe this was filmed in a TV studio. At first, I thought they’d gone to Mount Snowdon, or somewhere like that. I wish they’d filmed all the studio scenes like this. Film makes all the difference. And the sound effects are amazing, too.

The Doctor’s new outfit is subjected to Sue’s critical gaze.

Sue: The Doctor is beginning to remind me of John McCririck, and that can’t be a good thing. At least his cloak could double as a picnic blanket if he ever lands on a planet with some decent weather.

As the political situation on Peladon becomes clearer, Sue spots a parallel with events closer to home.

Sue: This is basically a story about the European Union.
Me: It would have been a big talking point in the early 1970s when this was broadcast.
Sue: I’m not talking about the 1970s, silly. I’m talking about right now. Peladon’s basically Greece.

The Doctor and Jo are drawn to a statue of Aggedor.

Sue: What’s that supposed to represent? A giant pig?
Me: A giant boar.
Sue: How appropriate.

But Sue, on the other hand, is drawn to the Pel’s costumes.

Sue: A purple skirt and thigh-length boots. Is he appearing in a pantomime later?
Me: Oh no he isn’t.
Sue: I like Jo’s dress, though. It’s a lot more modest than we’re used to, so we won’t be seeing her knickers this week.
Me: Although we might get to see the King’s, if we’re lucky.

And then the Ice Warriors turn up.

Sue: It’s all go this week! All these aliens squabbling among themselves reminds me of Babylon 5. Yes, it’s basically Babylon 5 meets Game of Thrones. But with less incest.

The episode concludes as Aggedor’s statue topples towards the Doctor.

Sue: That wasn’t a great cliffhanger. I can’t say I’m very impressed with this story so far.

EPISODE TWO

The delegates are arguing about the pros and cons of Peladon joining the Federation.

Sue: I hope the Federation have brought the gift of trousers to Peladon.

At one point, the king declares: “There is no plot!”

Sue: I wouldn’t brag about that if I were you.

When he isn’t running down the script, King Peladon is flirting outrageously with Jo.

Sue: She could do a lot worse. She’s supposed to be on a date with Mike Yates right now, and that obviously isn’t going to go anywhere, so why not? Is this Jo’s last story? Does she marry the king and stay on Peladon? I’m not sure how I feel about that.

But there is an upside:

Sue: The Doctor is a lot nicer to Jo this week. I can’t believe it’s taken him this long to thaw. Maybe he’s jealous?

Who tried to assassinate Arcturus? If only the delegates knew for sure...

Sue: Just ask the head in a box!

So they do. Repeatedly.

Sue: Arcturus reminds me of Davros. He even sounds like Davros. Is this where they got the idea from? And why are all the aliens green? Are they supposed to be colour coordinated? Or has the BBC bought a job lot of green paint?
Me: Like I said, just be thankful Alpha Centauri wasn’t pink.
Sue: At least Jo has plenty to do this week. It’s her last chance to shine, I suppose. I’m not convinced she’s actually doing this stunt, though. Her ankles are very fat in this close-up.

As Aggedor pursues Jo through Peladon’s catacombs, a trailing leg makes contact with the set and a ‘stone’ wall slides across the floor. Sue makes me rewind the DVD so she can watch it again.

Sue: It’s a bloody good job that wasn’t a supporting wall. They’d be dead if it was.

The Doctor assumes the Ice Warriors must be the bad guys, and when it turns out they aren’t, Sue isn’t very happy to put it mildly.

Sue: That makes the Doctor a little bit racist, doesn’t it? I expect a lot more from him, frankly. It should be him convincing everyone else that they’re prejudiced, not the other way round. That’s not good at all.
Me: I don’t care what you say, this episode is still very important to me. This is the episode that was playing on UK Gold the night you brought me home to meet Nicol. It was Tuesday April 13th 1993.
Sue: What was she wearing?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sue: What was Nicol wearing?
Me: I have no idea.
Sue: So you can remember which episode of Doctor Who was on telly that night, but you can’t remember what Nicol was wearing when you met her. Why am I not surprised?

EPISODE THREE

Sue still can’t get her head around the Pel’s costumes.

Sue: I can imagine Eddie Izzard walking around in the king’s outfit. Or maybe Pat Butcher. It’s a difficult look to pull off.
Me: This story is very Christmassy, don’t you think? All those reds, greens and purples...
Sue: Well, it’s a pantomime, I suppose.
Me: Oh no it isn’t.
Sue: Why is the guard who can’t talk called Grunt? Isn’t that a bit insensitive?
Me: He’s called Grun.
Sue: Oh, well, then. That’s much better.

It’s Aggedor’s turn to take the stage.

Sue: They were getting away with it when it was hidden in the shadows, but now that it's out in the open... Oh dear. It’s too fluffy, like a huge teddy bear. They should have roughed it up a bit. It should be caked in shit. It shouldn’t look like it’s just been blow-dried.

The Doctor advances on Aggedor, armed with a spinning mirror and a Venusian lullaby.

Sue: Just stick your fingers on its chest! Hang on, is the Doctor singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen?
Me: I told you this was Christmassy. I’ve been planning this for months.
Sue: Have you really?
Me: No.

Aggedor falls under the Doctor’s spell.

Sue: He’s cute. Is he housetrained?

The Doctor is sentenced to trial by combat, and King Peladon isn’t swayed by Jo pleas for clemency.

Sue: She’s never going to sleep with him now. He’s blown it.

The Doctor is lowered into a pit to face the mighty Grun.

Sue: Is that Jon Pertwee? I don’t think it is, you know. His hair looks even more fake than usual.

Grun and the Doctor fight to the death.

Sue: Just stick your finger on his fucking chest!

The episode concludes with Arcturus and the Ice Warriors simultaneously drawing their weapons and firing.

Sue: That was a very confusing cliffhanger. What the hell?

EPISODE FOUR

Immediately prior to watching this episode, we appeared on Bob Fischer’s radio show on BBC Tees to talk about our increasingly ridiculous quest to watch every episode of Doctor Who together. Here's how we prepared for that encounter…

Sue: What do you think Bob will ask me?
Me: Well, he’ll probably ask you about the episode you’ve just seen.
Sue: I didn’t know I’d have to revise for this. I’ve been busy.
Me: We only saw it last night! Come on, Sue – The Curse of...?
Sue: Peladon. Yes, that’s right. Anything else?
Me: It would be great if you could slip the words ‘hermaphrodite hexapod’ into the conversation. That might get a laugh.
Sue: And how am I supposed to do that, exactly?
Me: Alpha Centauri, remember?
Sue: That’s a planet, isn’t it?
Me: It’s a giant penis!
Sue: Oh yes, the penis in the shower curtain. Okay, I’ll try.

Two hours later...

Me: I told you to drop ‘hermaphrodite hexapod’ into the conversation, not ‘penis in a shower curtain’!
Sue: Sorry, I was confused!

And then we drove home in silence to watch the final episode of The Curse of Peladon.

Sue: Nice rugs.

At first I think she's referring to the Pels’ wigs, but no, it’s the fabric on the citadel’s walls that’s grabbed her attention. She’s also noticed the sets have become very smoky indeed, and when I tell her the production team got a bollocking for bringing burning torches into the studio, and the cameras had to be stripped down later so all the soot could be removed, she still thinks it was a price worth paying.

Sue: It’s the only realistic thing about this story.

Grun slips into the tunnels to attack Hepesh for betraying his people, but the old man manages to overpower him.

Sue: How did Hepesh pick up that boulder? That’s ridiculous. Jon Pertwee struggled to pick a rock that was less than half that size. Do the people of Peladon have superhuman strength? Have I missed something important?

The Ice Warriors, Jo and Alpha Centauri take a vote on whether to side with King Peladon or not. Alpha Centauri prevaricates (“Just poke her in her eye!”), but the others finally persuade it to raise its hand(s) in agreement.

Sue: Does that count as one vote or three?

Civil war breaks out on Peladon, but even scantily clad men fighting each other to the death can’t stir Sue.

Sue: This isn’t exactly 300. In fact, it’s probably closer to 30.

King Peladon is heartbroken when Aggedor kills Hepesh in a fit of pique.

Sue: Where’s the music gone? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really miss the music when it isn’t there. It doesn’t feel right. Is Dudley on a three-day week or something?

And then the real delegates from Earth turn up.

Sue: Good. I was beginning to worry about them. I thought they’d been smashed to pieces on the side of the mountain... Ooh, nice use of the ‘Doctor who?’ joke, there. It takes a lot of skill to do that without it sounding shit.

The Doctor believes the Time Lords were behind his trip to Peladon.

Sue: A likely bloody story. They’re just trying to make this seem more important than it really was.
Me: How do you feel about Jo not staying behind with the king?
Sue: I’m relieved. He was a bit wet. And who’d want to live on a shit hole like Peladon?

THE SCORE

Sue: That was definitely below average. The production values weren’t very good – some of it was very cheap, actually. Except for that bit on the mountain. They should have filmed the whole thing like that. Some of the alien costumes were a joke, the direction was flat, and the plot didn’t excite me. The only good thing I can say about the story is that at least Jo had something to do for a change. And it was only four parts; I can’t imagine what it would have been like if they’d dragged it out to six.

4/10

COMMENT: “Better not let Sue on the radio after she’s seen the Vervoids.” – Richard Lyth

NOTES: You can listen to our appearance on Bob’s radio show here: https://soundcloud.com/wifeinspace/the-wife-in-space-on-bbc-tees – but here are some edited highlights if you can’t be arsed:

Bob: How far have you got? Which episode are you up to?
Me: Go on, Sue...
Sue: Well, I don’t know what number it is, but we’re on The Curse of Peladon.
Bob: About halfway through the Jon Pertwee years.
Me: It’s our 300th episode tonight.
Bob: Congratulations! So you’re going to go back after this and watch The Curse of Peladon Episode Four?
Sue: Apparently so. I had other things planned, but if that’s what Neil wants to do...
Bob: You’re a long-term fan, Neil. Has it been refreshing to hear the opinions of someone who isn’t a fan, and who comes to the stories with no preconceptions whatsoever?
Me: It’s exciting for me when I know something particularly good is coming up, or when something particularly bad is coming up – I get a bit of a thrill. For example, when Alpha Centuari turns up, I’m excited to see what Sue’s going to make of...
Bob: A kind of squeaky character from The Curse of Peladon.
Sue: Am I allowed to say this word? Giant penis in a shower curtain. Am I allowed to say that?
Me: You’ve already said it.
Bob: I’m going to clip that sentence and I’ll use it on the programme again and again. I might just play it off the back of trails and records without explanation.

THE SEA DEVILS

BLOGGED: 5 January 2012

EPISODE ONE

We don’t have very long to wait before Sue passes judgement on Malcolm Clarke’s avant-garde soundtrack.

Sue: I really like the music.

Well, I certainly didn’t expect that.

Sue: It’s nice and bassy. This isn’t Dudley, is it?

The next thing that elicits a response from Sue is the transportation that picks the Doctor and Jo up from the dock.

Sue: What the hell is that supposed to be?
Me: They did that on purpose, to make the cars seem more futuristic.
Sue: Futuristic! It looks like it’s had its doors nicked! The security at this place must be atrocious.

When Sue discovers the Doctor and Jo are visiting the Master in prison, she isn’t even remotely interested. In fact, she’s much more interested in Katy Manning’s current state of mind.

Sue: Jo looks knackered. Did she have a late night last night? Was she sick on the boat?

The Doctor and Jo are taken to the Master’s cell.

Sue: The Master has his own gym! I have to pay a small fortune to use a gym. That doesn’t seem fair. He’s killed loads of people, hasn’t he? Shouldn’t he be strapped to a table or something?

The Doctor treats the Master like an old friend, instead of a mass-murdering fiend.

Sue: This is very pleasant, but it’s blatantly obvious to me that the Master hasn’t changed one bit. I bet the governor’s been hypnotised by him. The Doctor can be such an idiot, sometimes.

The Master is watching television in his cell.

Me: The Clangers in Doctor Who. Who’d have thunk it, eh?

The Master seems to think that the knitted puppets really are alien life forms, but Sue knows exactly what he’s doing.

Sue: He’s taking the piss!
Me: Some fans don’t like that scene because they think it undermines the Master.
Sue: But he rolled his eyes when he said it! He’s joking! Do they need a diagram? It’s a funny scene.

Our attention turns to an old sea fort whose skeleton crew includes a man with a face only a mother could love.

Sue: He’s been smashed in the face by an ugly stick. Everyone has a right to be ugly, but he’s abusing it.

She is, however, very complementary when it comes to Michael Briant’s direction.

Sue: It’s good. There are some nice angles, and the lighting is very atmospheric. They’re just showing enough of the monster to get away with it. I’m pretty sure this would have scared the kids.

When ‘Jo’ climbs the ladder to the fort, her bum gives the game away.

Sue: That isn’t Jo. She’s moving up that ladder like a constipated Donkey Kong.

And then we get our first good look at a Sea Devil.

Sue: Is that a giant pig? What is it with this show and giant pigs all of a sudden?

A figure in the shadows advances menacingly towards the Doctor and Jo.

Sue: That was an odd cliffhanger. Why bother hiding the monster like that? We only saw it a few minutes ago. That was strange. Still, that wasn’t a bad start. Let’s crack on.

EPISODE TWO

It turns out the shambling monster in the corridor was actually an ugly chap in an Aran sweater.

Sue: Just as scary, though.

But not as disturbing as the Sea Devil’s attire.

Sue: Is it wearing a string vest? Seriously? A string vest?
Me: It’s a net. Like a fishing net, I suppose. They looked a bit rude without any clothes on, apparently.
Sue: I’m surprised they didn’t put it in a shower curtain. Was the person who designed Doctor Who’s monsters a sex maniac?
Me: Does this Sea Devil ring any bells?
Sue: No.
Me: There’s a six-inch Sea Devil action figure on the bookshelf behind you. It’s been there for about three years, I think.
Sue: Really? That’s a bit sad.
Me: I have very vivid memories of watching The Sea Devils. I distinctly remember pretending to be one in the school playground.
Sue: How did you pretend to be a Sea Devil? Did you walk around in your vest?
Me: No, they hold their weapons in a very specific way, so it’s very easy to mimic them. I would demonstrate it with my action figure, but one of our cats ate his gun.
Sue: Hang on, when did this story go out?
Me: Early 1972.
Sue: But that means you would have been too young to remember it.
Me: There was an omnibus repeat a couple of years later. It replaced a cricket match that was rained-off.
Sue: Omnibus?
Me: They edited the story down to 90 minutes.
Sue: So why aren’t we watching that instead? We’d be halfway through this by now, you idiot!

The Doctor tells Jo the Sea Devils are related to the Silurians.

Sue: That’s one hell of a leap. They don’t look anything like them.

He also explains the term Silurian is actually a misnomer, and the Sea Devils’ reptilian cousins should have been called Eocenes instead.

Sue: Eh? So what do we call the Silurians now? This is very confusing. I’m sure they’re still called Silurians in the new series. And why didn’t anyone check the bloody name before they made the first one? This never would have happened if Wikipedia had been around in 1972.

The Doctor radios for help.

Sue: The Doctor always puts on a posh voice when he’s on the phone. It’s quite funny.

The person who answers the Doctor’s distress call sounds even posher.

Sue: Were only the landed gentry allowed to use CB radios in 1972?

The Master has been spotted on the naval base, so the Doctor returns to the prison to check that his arch-enemy is still under lock and key. Cue epic sword fight.

Sue: What are swords doing in a fucking prison? That’s ridiculous!

It doesn’t matter how well the fight is choreographed, Sue can’t forgive this contrivance. Even worse, when the Doctor gains the upper hand in the duel (he even has enough time to stuff his face with a sandwich), he gives the Master his sword back so the fight doesn’t have to stop.

Sue: What the hell is he doing?

The Master throws a knife at the Doctor’s back. Cue credits.

Sue: That was a pretty good cliffhanger, but the set-up was unforgivable. Swords? In a prison? Eh?

EPISODE THREE

Sue: Do we have to watch the sword fight again?
Me: Yes. I’m sorry.
Sue: Well in that case, I’m going to make a cup of tea.

She makes it back just in time to see the Master throw a knife at the Doctor’s back at point-blank range, again. He misses, of course.

Sue: There are lots of ugly people in this story. The governor looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Yeah, ugly people with moustaches basically sums up The Sea Devils so far.

The Doctor doesn’t like the fact the Master treats the prison as a hotel.

Sue: You shouldn’t have given him his fucking sword back then, should you? You fucking idiot.

As Jo tiptoes around the grounds, Malcolm Clarke finally decides to let rip.

Sue: Okay, the music is just fucking weird now. Please get Dudley on the phone.

The Master unveils his latest plan for world domination.

Sue: Don’t tell me: the Sea Devils will betray him five minutes before the end of Episode Six. He never learns.

Jo sneaks back into the prison via an open window. It’s an awfully tight squeeze and it results in an extended close-up of Katy Manning’s derriere.

Sue: That was definitely for the dads, wasn’t it?

As Jo frees the Doctor from his bonds, Sue sighs.

Sue: Three episodes in and we aren’t exactly being overrun by Sea Devils, are we? And the score is just taking the piss. I can’t tell what’s supposed to be music and what’s supposed to be a sound effect any more. It’s driving our cats up the wall, as well. You do know I’ll have to knock some marks off for this, don’t you?

The worst culprit by far is the Master’s machine.

Sue: It’s a cross between a hair dryer and a Singer sewing machine. I like his tiny radar dish, though. It’s cute.

Meanwhile on a nuclear submarine...

Sue: It’s the most spacious submarine I’ve ever seen. You could play table tennis in it! I thought submarines were supposed to be cramped? The model shots are great, though.

The submarine’s captain is played by Donald Sumpter.

Sue: I love his nervous twitch. It’s a nice touch. Unless the actor really does have a nervous twitch, in which case I’m sorry I brought it up.

The Doctor and Jo make it to the beach as one of the titular monsters rises from the sea.

Sue: Finally! Some Sea Devil action! It doesn’t look that bad, actually. For a monster in a dress.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: Oh dear. There’s a boom in shot.

That’s right. She’s far more interested in spotting production errors than she is in the Doctor flinging himself over some barbed wire.

Sue: Why didn’t he blow up the mines with his sonic screwdriver before he went into the minefield?
Me: It’s a good job he didn’t or they’d both be dead now.
Sue: True. Sometimes the Doctor’s stupidity comes in handy, I suppose.
Me: This is a very iconic scene. Isn’t it doing anything for you?
Sue: Not really. That Sea Devil over there looks ridiculous in his little blue dress. Who in their right mind goes swimming in a dress?

Donald Sumpter’s eye twitches as the Sea Devils prepare to invade his submarine.

Sue: He’ll be giving Hitler salutes like Robert Lindsay in GBH, next.

And then, back at the naval base, the Doctor does something horrid. Forget blowing up Gallifrey, this is much, much worse. Yes, the Doctor steals some sandwiches from a clearly famished Jo.

Sue: What a cunt! He had a sandwich in the last episode!

I’ve never seen Sue so het up about Doctor Who before.

Sue: That’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen the Doctor do.
Me: Calm down. It’s just some harmless comedy.
Sue: There’s nothing even remotely funny about it. Poor Jo. Why does she put up with it? She’s like an abused wife who keeps coming back for more. It’s terribly sad.

Sue doesn’t understand why the Royal Navy are helping the BBC make Doctor Who.

Sue: What’s in it for them?
Me: It’s good PR. They probably thought it would help them with recruitment, especially if any impressionable teenagers were watching.
Sue: Gary joined the Navy in 1972.
Me: What? You don’t think? Do you?... Nah, surely not.
Sue: He only lasted six weeks.

The Doctor volunteers to investigate the fate of the stricken submarine in a diving bell.

Sue: Nice anorak. So do Doctor Who fans pretend to be Jon Pertwee in The Sea Devils when they turn up to conventions dressed in an anorak? Is that how it works?

As the Doctor begins his perilous journey, Jo can’t stop worrying about him.

Sue: Why is she so upset? He stole her fucking sandwich!

The diving bell reaches the seabed and a Sea Devil peers through its porthole. Then, when the bell is winched back to the surface and Jo peers inside, she looks to the heavens with terror in her eyes.

Sue: Is the Doctor splattered all over the ceiling or something?

EPISODE FIVE

Sue: I had a polo neck like Jo’s, although mine was lime green.

While we are left to ponder the ramifications of that particular revelation, the Doctor is taken inside the Sea Devils’ base.

Sue: So this is basically exactly the same story as last time, yes? I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it last time, so do I have to see it again?
Me: Do the Sea Devils’ voices remind you of something? Another children’s television character, perhaps?
Sue: The Mysterons?
Me: Not Larry the Lamb?
Sue: Never heard of him. I’ve heard of Larry Lamb, though, if that helps.

Thanks to the Doctor’s diplomacy, the Sea Devils agree to share the planet with the rest of humanity.

Sue: The Earth is two-thirds water so they’re getting a pretty good deal.

However, just when it looks as if the Doctor has brokered a peace deal, the Sea Devils’ base is pounded by explosions.

Sue: The Master just broke the fourth wall!

Then, as bits of the first, second and third wall collapse under the impact of the Navy’s attack, the Doctor somehow manages to escape. But the respite is short-lived and the episode concludes with the Sea Devils invading the naval base.

Sue: That was the best episode so far. The performances were very good, and the dialogue was great. This story is finishing strongly.

EPISODE SIX

Sue: Guns or music? Music or guns? I can’t tell any more. Just make it stop, Neil. Please!

The Sea Devils lock Captain Hart, Walker and Jo in a store room but they don’t take into account the ventilation shafts. Unfortunately, Captain Hart decides that the hole is too tight for him, so Jo has to volunteer instead.

Sue: It’s a bloody loft hatch! Does he make his wife go in the attic for the Christmas decorations? I don’t think so! And Jo can’t do this – she’ll get her white trouser suit dirty.

One of the Sea Devils is a little on the short side.

Sue: Aww, it’s a baby Sea Devil. That’s so sweet. Oh, he just killed a soldier. That wasn’t so sweet.

UNIT retaliate and the baby Sea Devil dies with an impressive forward flip.

Sue: He’s the little fella from Diversity.
Me: It’s a stuntman called Stuart Fell.
Sue: What a great name for a stuntman. Stuart Fell very well.

Captain Hart pummels the Sea Devils into next week with an exceptionally large gun.

Sue: I feel sorry for the Sea Devils. This isn’t really their fault, is it?

The Doctor hands the Master over to a Chief Petty Officer.

Sue: Don’t leave him there! He’ll hypnotise the guard! There! See! He’s hypnotising the guard! The Doctor is an idiot!

The Master absconds with a machine that will reawaken every Sea Devil across the globe. Sue tries to look on the bright side.

Sue: At least the Sea Devils haven’t betrayed the Master yet.

The Doctor follows the Master to the beach.

Sue: What a handy pair of jet-skis. I’m surprised they don’t have ‘The Doctor’ and ‘The Master’ stencilled on the back. And while that’s definitely Jon Pertwee on his jet-ski – he’s such a petrol head – that isn’t the Master. I don’t think the stuntman even has a beard! It’s no good hiding your face, mate, it’s too late now.

The Doctor and the Master return to the Sea Devils’ base, but as soon as the Master activates his machine, they turn on him.

Sue: Oh look, the Sea Devils have betrayed the Master. Oh well, at least this show is consistent. Maybe next time he’ll take over the planet without any help. That way, he’ll only have himself to blame when he inevitably fucks it up.

Thanks to the Doctor reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, the Sea Devils’ base is destroyed instead. The Time Lords escape from the blast just in time, and a Navy hovercraft is sent to pick them up.

Sue: A lot of this is just an advert for the Royal Navy. It’s basically a corporate video, but with added sea monsters. You know, there’s a massive gap between documentary realism and some of the more bizarre stuff we’ve seen, and putting them both together like this is quite jarring. But I appreciate what they’re attempting to do. It’s trying to be epic and it’s almost succeeding.

The Master uses an innocent man as a decoy in order to facilitate his escape. The Doctor is bloody furious.

Sue: So the Master just happened to be carrying a mask of himself in his back pocket. I’m not sure if I buy that. Oh well, it’s too late now, he’s off again...

THE SCORE

Sue: That wasn’t bad at all. It was two episodes too long (but that’s nothing new) and the music (if you can call it music) was a bit iffy. But the direction was very good, the performances were very good and the plot was, well, the plot was the same as the last time they did that story. But I enjoyed it. I bet the omnibus repeat was great.

7/10

COMMENT: “My brother joined the navy because of this.” – Kevin Merchant

THE MUTANTS

BLOGGED: 10 January 2012

EPISODE ONE

Sue: Hey, it’s... Monty Python man! Write that down, Neil. That’s a good one. Has anyone ever made that connection before?

We are introduced to Christopher Coll as Stubbs (who looks like Peter Purves and sounds like Ernie Wise, apparently) and Rick James as Cotton.

Sue: Bloody hell, a black character in Doctor Who. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Does he have a decent role in this?
Me: Yes, heaven help us.
Sue: Neil! You can’t say that!

Meanwhile a mysterious package has arrived for the Doctor at UNIT HQ.

Sue: A squashed football? What’s that all about?

The Time Lords have decided to send the Doctor on another secret mission.

Sue: So he’s a Time Lord hitman, now?
Me: He’s like a Time Lord postman, I think.

Jo is delighted when she finds herself on a ship that’s flying through space. So the Doctor punctures her joy with a pedantic lecture about geostationary orbits and space stations.

Sue: What a complete arse.

When two groups of opposing characters converge in a corridor to spout exposition about the current socio-political situation on Solos at each other, Sue tunes out.

Sue: I’m lost already. I like the costumes, though. You can’t go wrong with silver and black.
Me: The costume designer, James Acheson, will go on win to several Oscars.
Sue: I’m not surprised. The costumes are the most interesting thing about this story so far.

As Cotton and Stubbs pass the time playing chess, Sue thinks she’s spotted a gap in the market.

Sue: I could make a chess set like that for you, if you like. I’ve got some metal piping lying around somewhere. We could sell them online.
Me: I don’t think there’s any demand for replica chess sets based on The Mutants, but I’ll check, just in case.
Sue: I see what you mean about the black character, now. He can’t act for toffee. Is it too late to black somebody up? I’m joking! Do not put that on the blog, Neil.
Me: Okay. I won’t.
Sue: Moving swiftly on, let’s see if I’ve got my head around the plot yet. Okay, so the men who are dressed in the fetching black and silver uniforms are rounding up the mutants, yes?
Me: Yes.
Sue: So it’s a bit like the X-Men?
Me: Yes, it’s exactly like the X-Men.
Sue: Oh, look! (Suddenly singing) "Love is like a butterfly, as soft and gentle as a sigh. Something something la-la-la something satin wings..."
Me: Yes, very good, it’s Geoffrey Palmer. Well done.
Sue: You’re very tetchy tonight.
Me: I’m sorry. Just ignore me. It’s nothing.

Who am I kidding? Of course it’s something. I’m watching The fucking Mutants! But I don’t want to prejudice her, so I blame post-Christmas ennui instead.

Sue: Why does this bloke have the number 58 sewn into his uniform? Is that his age?

When the Doctor and Jo gaze upon the planet Solos, Sue is reminded of something vitally important.

Sue: We have to eat that lemon meringue pie in the fridge tomorrow, or it will go off.

The Doctor doesn’t know who to deliver his package to.

Sue: Why didn’t the Time Lords put a name and an address on the football? Are they trying to be awkward on purpose?

An Earth Administrator tells his militaristic Marshal that the planet has decided to pull out of Solos, and the Solonians will be granted their independence. The Marshal doesn’t take this news very well.

Sue: This is pretty heavy for the kids. The politics, I mean. I can see the parallels with apartheid, and the end of the British Empire, but would children be interested in that? I don’t think so. The themes are very adult. It’s good, though.

When the Administrator makes a keynote speech to an audience comprised entirely of Solonians, a young upstart named Ky decides to talk over him. When this tactic fails, Ky leaps to his feet to demand independence from the evil alien Overlords.

Sue: If you just sit down and shut the fuck up, he’ll give it to you! This Ky guy is really getting on my nerves.

However, before he can deliver the good news, the Administrator is assassinated by a Solonian. The room is thrown into chaos and Ky runs away. He bumps into the Doctor on his way out and the mysterious football begins to open.

Sue: That wasn’t bad at all. Having said that, I always tend to like the first episode because everything is new and interesting. Let’s see how I feel when we reach Episode Five.

EPISODE TWO

Ky tells Jo his people will be worried about him because he’s very, very important.

Sue: This Ky guy’s ego is out of control. But he is very easy on the eye, so I’ll give him a break. Jo will set him straight, just you wait and see. I’m not mad about what Jo is wearing this week, though. It’s too butch. She does, however, have lovely eyelashes. It must have taken her ages to do those.

As Stubbs and Cotton pursue Ky and Jo across the desolate plains of Solos, Sue spots a flaw with the Overlords’ communications system.

Sue: Was it really such a good idea to have these characters speaking to each other with masks on? I can’t understand a single word they’re saying.
Me: It’s as if we’re watching a Christopher Nolan film.

Cotton removes his mask so he can talk more clearly.

Sue: Actually, could he put the mask back on, please? He sounds better with his mask on.

The Marshal takes command of the Skybase and kills the Solonian assassin. But when he turns his gun on Varan, the Marshal misses and Varan escapes to the Skybase’s herbarium.

Sue: Are they growing marijuana in there? That would explain why the guards are so laid back in this story.

A scientist who’s trying to alter Solos’ atmosphere with “a giant cocktail shaker”, and who dismisses the genocide of an entire species as a side effect of his experiments, gets to feel the Doctor’s wrath.

Sue: I like it when Jon Pertwee gets angry. He’s a pretty good actor when he’s enraged.

The Doctor and Stubbs end up in the herbarium with Varan.

Sue: Oh dear, there’s another boom in shot. That’s two stories in a row. Somebody needs to have a quiet word. I’ll be looking for microphones all the time now.

The episode concludes with Varan attacking the Doctor as he tries to make his way off the Skybase.

Sue: You know, this isn’t bad at all. I’ve seen a lot worse. Why are you looking at me like that, Neil?

EPISODE THREE

The Doctor subdues Varan with the old finger-on-the-chest trick.

Sue: He should do that every time. It never fails. Why doesn’t Matt Smith use his finger like that? It’s definitely the way to go.

Ky and Jo are resting in some caves. Sue anticipates a snog but gets some colourful lights instead.

Sue: A firework display? Actually, I’ve just realised they’re filming this scene in a real cave. They usually do this sort of thing in the studio, don’t they? This is much more impressive.

And then we get our first glimpse of a Mutt.

Sue: It’s a giant cockroach. I like its tail.

When Jo makes a run for it, she finds herself in a cave awash with psychedelic colours.

Sue: Have you put some acid in my tea, Neil? You know I hate it when you do that.

Jo witnesses a mysterious apparition in a silver suit.

Sue: The LSD is really starting to kick in now.

The Doctor finally delivers the Time Lords’ football to Ky.

Sue: Will Ky have to sign for it? And can the Doctor leave as soon as he gets Ky’s signature? Job’s a good ‘un. Three episodes. Over.

We are told that the seasons on Solos can last for centuries.

Sue: It’s like Game of Thrones but...
Me: But with less incest. Yes, we know.
Sue: Tetchy, tetchy.

The Doctor, Varan and Ky argue about the best way to stop the Marshal.

Sue: Varan looks like he should be fronting a heavy metal band.

The Marshal decides to shut everyone up – including Stubbs and Cotton – by gassing them to death.

Sue: What a git! But I do like how he’s ready for some impromptu karaoke with that portable microphone holder of his.

The Marshal’s explosions have sealed the caves and the gas is closing in...

Sue: That still wasn’t bad. There’s some dodgy acting, but the script is sound enough. Why are you looking at me like that, Neil?

EPISODE FOUR

Our heroes are approached by a humanoid figure in a silver suit. But who – or what – can it be? Nobody knows!

Sue: It’s a man in a radiation suit. Any fool can see that.

The mysterious figure leads our heroes to safety and removes his helmet.

Sue: It’s Duncan Goodhew.
Me: Is it still 1980 where you live, Sue?

When Professor Sondergaard explains what he’s been doing in his secret laboratory, Sue can barely understand him.

Sue: Is there a competition for the weirdest accent in this story? It’s very close if there is.

The Doctor and Sondergaard analyse the stone tablets they extracted from the Time Lord’s football.

Sue: Would it have killed the Time Lords to have included some instructions? This is worse than 3-2-1. Are they watching this back on Gallifrey? Are they having a good laugh at the Doctor’s expense?

Even though the roof is starting to cave in, the Doctor continues to decipher the tablets with Sondergaard.

Sue: Why doesn’t he put the tablets somewhere safe? Just stick them in your pocket and leave! Why are they putting themselves in unnecessary danger? It’s just an excuse to split the characters up again, isn’t it?

The Doctor deduces that the tablets refer to a radiation chamber, so Sondergaard leads him to a cave bathed in Quality Street lighting.

Sue: Fringe.
Me: This is nothing like Fringe.
Sue: I’m talking about the fringing around Jon Pertwee’s cloak. I’m sorry, Neil, but it’s terrible.

The Doctor retrieves a gem from the arms of a glowing statue.

Sue: It’s Raiders of the Lost Ark on really powerful hallucinogenic drugs. I’m starting to lose the plot. What the hell is going on?

The Marshal is livid when he learns that an Earth Investigator wants to poke his nose into his affairs.

Sue: Is it the Master? He’s cutting it a bit fine if it is.

The Marshal corners Varan and shoots him. The gunfire breaches Skybase’s hull and Varan is sucked into the vacuum of space.

Sue: They’re trying. They’re trying really hard.

EPISODE FIVE

Jo, Ky, Stubbs and Cotton escape from the rapidly depressurising chamber.

Sue: Is that even possible? Wouldn’t they be dead by now? Wouldn’t they freeze to death? This scene borders on insanity. I’m not talking about scientific accuracy, either. I’m talking about the ambition required to even attempt a scene like that in 1972. It’s madness.

The Marshal ramps up his mania to 11.

Sue: Ah, it doesn’t say 58 on his uniform, after all. It’s the letters SB. Now I know what it stands for: Stupid Buffoon.

With events rapidly spiralling out of control, Ky uses the opportunity to make another ill-timed speech about Solonian independence.

Sue: It’s turned into Malcolm X-Men, now.

The Doctor and Sondergaard don’t understand the significance of the green gem, so the Doctor returns to Skybase to analyse its properties.

Sue: The direction is very flat in the dialogue scenes, but now that we’re outside again, it’s not so bad. This scene with the Doctor being chased through the fog is pretty good. I don’t understand your problem with this story. It isn’t that bad. The monsters look okay, the plot is interesting, the sets are nice – I would have preferred some proper carpentry, but you can’t have everything – and the Doctor isn’t offending me too much. This is easily as good as The Sea Devils.
Me: You what?
Sue: If they’d repeated this story instead of The Sea Devils when that cricket match was rained off, you would have pretended to be a mutant cockroach in the school playground. It’s because you never saw this when you were a little boy that you’re dismissing it now. Well, that’s my theory, anyway.
Me: Whatever.

Stubbs is killed in a fire fight, which, even I have to admit, looked pretty cool.

Sue: Noooo! Not Stubbsy! Anyone but Stubbsy!
Me: Even I’m choked up by that.

Jo, Ky and Cotton are locked in a thaesium storage chamber. Cotton tries to explain the ramifications of standing next to that much radiation. In short: they’re all going to die.

Sue: This is impossible to watch. I don’t think I’ve seen acting this bad since Nicol’s nativity play in 1997.
Me: She’s never forgiven you for brutally panning her performance. She’ll be in therapy for years.
Sue: Nicol was brilliant. She was the best actor in the whole thing. It was the shepherds who were the problem. Look, will somebody please stop Cotton talking!

EPISODE SIX

Earth launches an enquiry into the Solos affair.

Sue: What are the investigators wearing on their heads? That’s a terrible look. No one is going to win an Oscar for that.

The Doctor describes the Marshal and Jaeger as two of the most heinous villains he’s ever encountered.

Sue: Worse than the Daleks and the Cybermen? Really? The Marshal is a decent bad guy, but I can’t see him invading London.

A Mutt rushes into the room and all hell breaks loose. The Marshal uses the opportunity to murder the poor thing at point-blank range.

Sue: There was no need for that! SB equals Sadistic Bastard.

Ky transforms into the next stage of Solonian evolution.

Sue: It’s Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Or as Cotton so eloquently puts it: “Great, innit?”

Sue: They killed Stubbsy but they let Cotton live. What were they thinking?

Super-Ky floats down a corridor like an ethereal Christmas tree decoration.

Sue: Is Ky Kosh now?
Me: If you like.

Super-Ky murders the Marshal for being a massive twat, and everybody lives happily ever after. But what will Cotton do now?

Sue: Go to drama school, I hope.

Incredibly, Cotton is put in charge of the Skybase.

Sue: God help them all.

The episode concludes with another outing for the increasingly wearisome “Doctor who?” joke.

Sue: But people would say that, wouldn’t they? It’s only funny in a universe, which has a television show called Doctor Who in it. In this universe it’s a perfectly reasonable question. Oh, it’s finished.

THE SCORE

Sue: I enjoyed that. Yeah, it wasn’t bad at all. The plot was interesting, the designs were very good, and some of the performances were excellent. The bloke playing Cotton was appalling, but I can look beyond that. It’s two episodes too long, obviously, but it was definitely above average.

7/10

COMMENT: “It seems the fan consensus is that the fan consensus is wrong, which is something of a paradox.” – Iain Coleman

THE TIME MONSTER

BLOGGED: 13 January 2012

EPISODE ONE

Sue: A Time Monster, eh? I bet the Master’s in this story. He’s a monster and he knows about time.

It just so happens the Doctor is having a vivid nightmare about his arch-nemesis.

Sue: She shoots, she scores!

The Doctor is woken by Jo, but the dream continues to disturb him.

Sue: Did Jo drop some acid in the Doctor’s tea? There’s a lot of that going around lately.

Meanwhile the Master is posing as a Greek scientist at a research institute at Cambridge University.

Sue: Is the Master working at a university, now? God help them. And him.

Two research scientists are bickering in a lab. To summarise: Stuart is a bit cocky and Ruth is the proud owner of a fire-damaged bra.

Sue: Is this the first feminist episode of Doctor Who?
Me: I wouldn’t get your hopes up, love.

The Master is using a crystal from Atlantis in order to tinker with time.

Sue: Haven’t we been to Atlantis before? Isn’t that where the Fish People live?
Me: Oh, don’t start.

The Doctor wants to know the Master’s whereabouts, so he instructs the Brigadier to issue a World Wide Warning.

Sue: The Doctor is still waiting for the World Wide Web to be invented, bless him.

When the Master arrives at the research institute, Sue notes the time on the clock tower.

Sue: Why was the Doctor having a kip at 9:40 in the morning? The slacker. And why is Jo posing for the cover of Vogue? I love her boots, by the way. Oh, and TOMTIT is a stupid name. Which idiot came up with that?

Why, the Master, of course.

Sue: If the Master is the most wanted man on the planet, how did he walk into a university job with military connections? He didn’t even bother to shave his beard off, and that’s his most distinguishing feature!
Me: He’s putting on a Greek accent.
Sue: Is he? I thought he had a cold.
Me: Maybe the research institute wanted to bolster its RAE score and they recruited the Master in a hurry. You know what it’s like.
Sue: "You will obey me. You will give me that sabbatical. You will give me unlimited access to your research beacon funding stream."

Ruth launches into another feminist rant about how shit men are. Stuart protests, but Ruth reassures him he needn’t worry because he doesn’t count.

Sue: Stuart doesn’t count because Stuart is obviously gay.

Meanwhile a window cleaner is preparing to give the institute’s windows a nice polish.

Sue: The angle on that ladder is too shallow. He’ll definitely fall with an angle like that. Are you sure he’s a real window cleaner? A real window cleaner wouldn’t have a ladder angle as shallow as that. Maybe he’s a spy? Or an undercover inspector from HEFCE?

Back inside the lab, Stuart and Ruth are conducting a TOMTIT trial.

Sue: The door that’s supposed to protect everyone from radiation is just an ordinary door with a keyhole and shuttered windows, which might even be open. How is that going to stop radiation from leaking out? This episode is a Health and Safety nightmare.

The first thing the Brigadier sees when he arrives at the institute is a window cleaner sprawled out on the tarmac.

Sue: Told you. That fall had nothing to do with the Master’s time experiment. It was the bad ladder angle that did him in.

The Doctor and Jo take Bessie out for a spin, and when the Doctor engages the car’s Super Drive, it races off at incredible speed.

Sue: This is what I remember about Doctor Who when I was growing up: that stupid yellow car. Actually, I think I may have seen this episode. This silly Benny Hill Show-style driving is very familiar.

The Doctor tracks down the Master’s time meddling with the help of a portable time sensor.

Sue: Couldn’t the Doctor have designed a device that was a little less phallic? It looks like Jo is reading those numbers off a testicle. Ruth is going to love that.

The Brigadier and Benton have also arrived for the TOMTIT demonstration, but the Master manages to conceal his identity under a bulky radiation suit.

Sue: Stuart’s thinking, “Why haven’t I got a suit as good as that? My radiation suit is shit compared to his!”

As the power level rises, the Master beckons for Kronos to come.

Sue: What the fuck is a Kronos when it’s at home?

And then the credits come crashing in.

Sue: That was pretty good. We’re definitely on a roll at the moment.

EPISODE TWO

Sue: What did the Master just say?
Me: He said, “Muwhahaha mawawawa muwhahaha.”
Sue: That’s what I thought he said. He should probably take that suit off before he opens his mouth again.

The Doctor bursts in and he orders someone – anyone! – to reverse the polarity.

Sue: That’s his answer to everything, isn’t it? I can just imagine the Doctor running an IT helpline: “Have you tried reversing the polarity yet?”

The Doctor assures Jo they haven’t arrived too late.

Sue: You’re about 80 years too late as far as Stuart is concerned!

Benton is told to guard the lab, just in case the Master comes back.

Sue: Aww, poor Benton. I bet he had a hot date lined up before the Brigadier dragged his sorry arse over there. No wonder he feels lonely. Somebody leave him a magazine or something.

The Doctor tries to explain Chronovores to Jo.

Sue: They sound impressive. Powerful beings that can eat time? I have to admit, that’s pretty scary.

The Doctor locates the Master’s TARDIS.

Sue: So the Master’s TARDIS looks like a computer bank? That’s nice.
Me: You can buy a toy version of the Master’s computer bank TARDIS, you know.
Sue: Not while you’re married to me, you can’t.
Me: You’re probably right. The cats would eat the Kronos crystal.
Sue: You didn’t tell me it came with its own Kronos crystal.

Stuart looks in a mirror and cries.

Sue: That’s me every single morning; I know exactly how he feels.

The Doctor persuades Stuart to tell him about his nightmare. “Come on, old chap,” he says.

Sue: “Old chap”? Is he taking the piss?

Meanwhile Benton is extremely suspicious when he’s instructed to leave the premises by Dr Percival (who is under the thrall of the Master).

Sue: Just you stay there, Benton. Don’t you fucking move, son!

Benton telephones the Brigadier on an internal line.

Sue: Don’t UNIT have fucking radios?

The Master answers Benton’s call with the Brigadier’s voice.

Sue: So the Master is basically Derren Brown and Jon Culshaw all rolled into one? He could have had his own show on BBC1 if he’d given up all this taking over the universe nonsense.

Benton is still suspicions, so he stakes out the lab, just in case.

Sue: Benton isn’t just a pretty face, you know.

Sadly, just when it appears Benton has the upper hand, the Master makes him fall for the oldest trick in the book.

Sue: Oh, Benton! And you were doing so well!

The Master plans to team-up with Kronos so they can rule the universe together.

Sue: Yeah, there’s no way Kronos will turn on you later. Not a chance. You go ahead and team-up with another alien superpower. It’ll be perfectly fine. You knock yourself out.

And then, to top it all, an Atlantean priest suddenly materialises in the lab.

Sue: Okay, who ordered the palm reader? Actually, that was another good episode. I’m really enjoying this.

EPISODE THREE

Sue: Poor Stuart, although I have every faith the Doctor will fix him in the end. Does Stuart become a companion? He’d be great.

The Master summons Kronos.

Sue: It’s a giant cockerel. It’s a giant cockerel that can eat time. Well, it’s unique; I’ll give ’em that.
Me: It’s awful! Kronos makes the Fish People look like the fucking Xenomorph from Alien!

And then Sue drops a bombshell.

Sue: My CB handle was Atomic Rooster.

I pause the DVD.

Me: You never told me you had a CB radio.
Sue: CB radio was all the rage before the internet was invented.
Me: How did you come up with a handle like Atomic Rooster? Are you sure you weren’t a fan of early 1970s Doctor Who? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sue: We used to call our cousin Tommy ‘Tom Tit’ when we were young. Maybe I was influenced by this story, after all.

The Master uses Kronos to slow down time.

Sue: I’m used to that. Especially with these six-parters.

The Doctor explains what’s going on, but the Brigadier doesn’t buy it.

Sue: Why doesn’t the Brigadier believe the Doctor after everything they’ve been through together? It’s absurd. I don’t like it when they write the Brigadier as an ignorant buffoon. It doesn’t suit him.

The Doctor cobbles together a machine that will disrupt the Master’s time experiments from an empty wine bottle, some cutlery and a dirty mug.

Sue: That’s a bit daft.

A UNIT convoy has been tasked with transporting the Doctor’s TARDIS to the institute, and the Master monitors its progress on his futuristic wristwatch.

Sue: That’s way ahead of its time. You know, the Master could make a killing if he just invested all his time and energy into personal computers. He’d be better off working with Steve Jobs than a giant chicken that can eat time. It’s just a thought.

The convoy is suddenly attacked by a knight on horseback.

Sue: This is the sort of stupid thing the Mad Monk would do. Excellent stunt horse, though. Is the horse a full-time member of HAVOC?

Yates has some terrible news for the Brigadier: the convoy is stuck in the mud.

Sue: It’s a Land Rover Defender! You can’t get a Defender stuck in the fucking mud! It’s a Land Rover Defender! Do me a favour!

When Yates evacuates the vehicle, which is currently resting on a gentle slope, Sue is apoplectic.

Sue: I turned my Freelander on its side in a ditch in Kielder once, and I still got it out in less than 10 minutes. So that is ridiculous. Yates cannot be stuck in that mud! Court martial the fucking idiot!
Me: Simmer down, Sue.

As the Doctor and Jo set out for the stricken convoy, the Brigadier suggests a quick race.

Sue: That’s a red rag to a bull, you nit. Geddit? U-NIT? Oh, please yourself.

As the Doctor roars away in Bessie, Sue hums The Benny Hill Show theme under her breath. And then the Master stalls UNIT with some time-scooped Roundheads, or as he likes to call them "17th-century poltroons".

Sue: (Laughing) The Master gets all the best lines. It looks like he’s really enjoying himself.

The Master snatches a Doodlebug from World War II and drops it on the UNIT convoy. The explosion is massive.

Sue: Was that Yates I just saw flying though the air?

EPISODE FOUR

Stuart isn’t pleased when Ruth and Jo suggest they head back to the lab to nobble the Master.

Sue: He was 88 years-old not that long ago, so you can’t blame him for not wanting to get involved. I bet he just wants to chill out with some Pink Floyd and a spliff. I like Stuart.

The Master takes Krasis inside his TARDIS.

Sue: The Master’s TARDIS is nice and clean. It’s almost sparkling. It’s a lot neater than the Doctor’s. But why is half a washing-up bowl missing from the bottom left-hand corner of his wall? That’s very odd.

The Doctor and Jo rush inside their TARDIS.

Sue: The Doctor and the Master must have redecorated their TARDISes at exactly the same time and in exactly the same way. I mean, what are the chances of that? And why have they both got half a washing-up bowl missing from the bottom left-hand corner of their walls? That’s a bit of a coincidence, too.
Me: Perhaps they filmed both TARDIS scenes on the same set?
Sue: (Throwing a cushion) Do you reckon?

The Doctor materialises his TARDIS around the Master’s TARDIS, but when he walks into the Master’s TARDIS, his own TARDIS is already waiting for him.

Sue: That’s brilliant. Yeah, I liked that a lot. That was really imaginative.

The strain on the Doctor’s TARDIS causes Jo to fall on her coccyx. It’s definitely her coccyx because the word is bandied around the TARDIS like it’s about to go out of fashion.

Sue: Coccyx... Giant cockerel. Is that a clue?

Back at the lab, Ruth and Stuart are trying to free the Brigadier, who’s been frozen in time. Unfortunately, their tinkering turns Benton into an infant child.

Sue: Aww, baby Benton. How cute.

And then, after a quick gloat, the Master unleashes Kronos.

Sue: Yep, it’s definitely a giant, glowing cock.

The Doctor and Kronos disappear.

Sue: Why wasn’t that the cliffhanger? That would have been a great cliffhanger.

Instead the Master explains to Jo, in mind-numbing detail, exactly what happened. And then he bids Jo farewell as his TARDIS detaches itself from hers.

Sue: That cliffhanger wasn’t half as good as Kronos eating the Doctor. Still, this is a very good story so far. I’m definitely not bored by it.

EPISODE FIVE

Me: There’s a famous actress coming up soon.
Sue: This is me we’re talking about, remember.
Me: Okay, there’s a vaguely familiar face coming up soon. (Pointing at Ingrid Pitt) There she is, over there.
Sue: Is that Rula Lenska?

An Atlantean named Hippias (“That name has to be a joke”) criticises Kronos for being such a terrible god.

Sue: The Atlanteans remind me of the Dothraki from Game of Thrones crossed with the band KISS. (Pointing at some wicker furniture) Do you remember those chairs?
Me: Yes, it’s an Emmanuelle chair.
Sue: Trust you to think of that. My best friend at school had a chair like that. We used to fight over who got to sit in it.
Me: Do you recognise the person sitting in it yet? I’ll give you a clue: she’s in one of my favourite films.
Sue: Emmanuelle?
Me: The Wicker Man.
Sue: That’s never Susan George!
Me: That’s Straw Dogs, you idiot.
Sue: It’s not Britt Ekland...
Me: No, it’s Ingrid Pitt.
Sue: I’ve never heard of her.
Me: She’s best known for her horror movies.
Sue: She isn’t the greatest actress in the world, I can tell you that much. Although I can see why you might like her. Enough said.

I’m never going to win this argument in a million years, so I back away slowly.

Sue: Even the Master is checking her out! Look at him gawping at her breasts. Admittedly, it’s difficult not to gawp at her breasts, but even so.
Me: If this were a Hammer film, she would have got them out by now.

King Dalios doesn’t believe the Master is a god.

Sue: There are some great jokes in this story, and this bloke’s performance as the king is fantastic. The script is very, very funny.

The Doctor and Jo arrive on Atlantis in pursuit of the Master.

Me: You wait ages for a god to come along and then two turn up at once.
Sue: Quick question: do Ingrid Pitt’s breasts get their own credit?

When Jo discovers that the Master and Galleia are meeting in secret, she decides to spy on them.

Sue: Don’t go in there, Jo! You really don’t want to see the Master shagging the queen – it could mentally scar you for life. I must say, though, the sets are great. They’ve definitely pushed the boat out for the last two episodes. The BBC are great at this sort of thing.

The episode concludes with Jo being thrown to a Minotaur.

Sue: That cliffhanger was a mess. What the hell happened? The direction is the only thing that’s letting this story down.

EPISODE SIX

Jo is harassed by a Minotaur.

Me: That’s David Prowse.
Sue: Darth Vader? Really?
Me: Yes. I’m surprised you knew who I was talking about.
Sue: David Prowse is our Lou Ferrigno, isn’t he? Hang on a minute... Is he wearing carpet slippers?

As the Minotaur pursues Jo, it almost brings the set down.

Sue: (Pointing excitedly) Wobbly set! They must have told him not to touch those pillars, but he just couldn’t help himself.

The Doctor tells Jo a story about a hermit he used to know when he was young.

Sue: What a wonderful scene. Jon Pertwee has never been better. He really went for that.
Me: The ‘daisiest daisy’ line eerily prefigures Dennis Potter’s last television interview, where he refers to the ‘blossomest blossom’.
Sue: If you are going to steal, steal from the best.
Me: But The Time Monster was broadcast years before Dennis Potter’s last interview.
Sue: I know.

I can’t tell if she’s joking or not.

Sue: The direction is pretty bad, though. One of the extras is blocking Jon Pertwee, now. Where the hell has he gone?

The climatic scenes on Atlantis, where Kronos flaps his wings and the city falls to pieces, are very exciting, although Sue has to spoil it by lowering the tone.

Me: The Kronos crystal looks like something Ann Summers came up with for a laugh.

The Doctor threatens to time ram the Master’s TARDIS, even though it means certain death.

Sue: Jo’s very brave. She might be the bravest companion of them all.
Me: I know. And now she’s dead. Stuart and Ruth are the new companions.
Sue: I don’t believe you. I stopped believing you ages ago.

Jo and the Doctor appear to be in some kind of limbo.

Sue: The person in charge of the chroma this week should be shot. Did they run out of time? There’s a ‘that’ll do’ feel about it.

Not only does Jo believe she’s dead, she thinks it’s “groovy”.

Sue: She’s tripping her bloody tits off.

A woman’s face appears out of nowhere.

Sue: Is that River Song?

No, it’s Kronos. And now that Kronos is free, she grants the Doctor a single wish.

Sue: (As the Doctor) "Can I have a TARDIS that works properly, please?"

The Master begs for mercy.

Sue: That was a bit weird. I don’t buy that at all. Oh, what a surprise, he’s legged it.

Meanwhile in Cambridge...

Me: Ruth and Stuart end up adopting baby Benton.
Sue: (Horrified) No they don’t.

Luckily for John Levene, the squabbling scientists reverse the polarity and Benton returns to adulthood. In his birthday suit.

Me: John Levene was stark bollock naked when they filmed that scene. He said he wanted to play it truthfully. Well, that was his excuse, anyway.

Sue throws another cushion at me.

Sue: Benton had the last line in season nine. That’s nice.

THE SCORE

Sue: I enjoyed that.
Me: Amazingly, so did I.
Sue: You have to come to these things with an open mind, Neil. It was the perfect end to the season. It was very exciting in places, it had a good script, and there were some very inventive ideas. It was too long, of course, and the direction occasionally let it down, but I really like how Jo and the Doctor are a proper team now. Yeah, it was pretty good, that.

8/10

COMMENT: “It’s interesting to note that some members of Atomic Rooster broke away to form the band Daemon.” – Frankymole

NOTES: It was around this time we visited the Doctor Who Experience:

Sue: It was better than I expected. You could tell that a lot of thought went into it, although I do have an issue with the shop. Where were the women’s t-shirts? I couldn’t find a single t-shirt that fit me, and I had my eye on a nice Bessie shirt, as well. I’m joking, of course, but the option would have been nice. Some of the exhibits were falling apart, too. Captain Jack’s coat was full of holes, and I don’t think anyone’s ever dusted Kylie Minogue’s dress. It was filthy. I also felt sorry for the kids not being allowed to touch the exhibits. Like the TARDIS consoles, for example.
Me: You’re only saying that because they told you off for touching the exhibits on three separate occasions. I thought they were going to throw you out when you tried to dry hump that Cyberman. I can’t take you anywhere.
Sue: I barely touched him.

Dragging Sue to the Doctor Who Experience when we hadn’t even reached Tom Baker yet was a stupid idea in retrospect. The place was packed with spoilers: Special Weapon Daleks, crap 1980s Cybermen, the Melkur, the Giant Robot (or Experimental Prototype Robot K1 if you want to be pedantic about it) – the list was endless. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

You may remember, way back in Volume 2, that an editor had contacted me to discuss the idea of turning our blog into a book. A proper book, mind. I couldn’t just copy the blog into a Word document and hope for the best. I mean, who’d buy a book like that? No, this would be a proper book with proper writing and everything.

Anyway, this editor (who is also an author in his own right and whose name is Andy Miller if the tension was becoming unbearable) arranged to meet us both at the Doctor Who Experience in London. Not only was it neutral territory, it was also the perfect place for Andy to test my Whovian credentials. Who knows? Perhaps if I hadn’t referred to Professor Kettlewell’s creation as the Experimental Prototype K1 Robot, Andy would have washed his hands of me and that would have been that.

Andy also met Sue (he even explained Zygons to her, the swine) and then he agreed to help me put a book proposal together. And I needed plenty of help. He also suggested I put my foot down when it came to the blog, because in the unlikely event that a publisher was interested in Doctor Who’s impact on our marriage, I’d have to finish everything pretty sharpish if the book stood any chance of being published in time for the 50th anniversary. Because there wouldn’t be enough books about Doctor Who out in November 2013.

We’ll resume this story in a future volume when Andy Miller writes the foreword.

SEASON TEN

HE ALWAYS REVERSES THE BLOODY POLARITY

This illustration funded by Robert Crowder

THE THREE DOCTORS

BLOGGED: 19 January 2012

This story was chosen by the blog’s readers to be the subject of our third video commentary. It makes a lot more sense if you watch it online here: http://wifeinspace.com/the-three-doctors/ (there’s a memorable moment involving the word 'TORY' that has to be seen to be appreciated), but if you can’t be bothered, or you don’t have access to the internet right now, here are some barely comprehensible highlights.

EPISODE ONE

Me: I need you both to close your eyes.
Sue: Why?
Me: I don’t want you to know the title of the story.
Sue: But that’s stupid!
Me: It’s a spoiler, and it’ll be a big surprise if you don’t know. Actually, let’s try a different experiment. Gary – you can look at the title, just don’t tell Sue what it is.

A few seconds later...

Me: Okay, you can look now. Good title, eh, Gary?
Gary: Very good.
Sue: Why have we chosen this story to do a commentary on?
Me: Because it’s the 10th anniversary.
Sue: The 10th anniversary of what?
Me: Of Doctor Who!
Sue: Oh. So what year would this have gone out?
Me: Well, it’s the 10th anniversary... What year did Doctor Who start, Sue?
Sue: Sixty... three?
Me: So what year is this?
Gary: 1973.
Me: No, it’s 1972.

It’s business as usual at UNIT HQ.

Sue: Jo’s bra isn’t doing her any favours this week. She needs to ask the person who does Ingrid Pitt’s wardrobe for advice. You know, I wish I knew what the title of this story was...
Me: You can’t. But Gary’s excited, aren’t you, Gary?
Gary: Can I give her a clue?
Sue: It’s got to have either Cybermen or Daleks in it.
Me: (Laughing) No!
Sue: It hasn’t got Yetis in it, has it?

I ask Gary what he thinks of Bessie.

Gary: It looks like they’ve nicked it off Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Sue: The Doctor needs to be back in his TARDIS having adventures again.
Me: That would be good, wouldn’t it?
Sue: He should ditch the four wheels and get in the TARDIS. It’s a no-brainer.

UNIT’s lawn is suddenly peppered with Gel Guards.

Sue: WHAT?
Gary: Even in 1973, they could have done it better than that.
Sue: Could they have done better?
Gary: Well, if you watch Lost in Space, you’ll see the difference. They were well ahead.
Me: That reminds me: haven’t you got a Lost in Space commentary to go to?
Sue: They can’t be the real monsters, otherwise you’d have let me see the title. If it had said Return of the Gel Guards...
Me: But it wouldn’t say that, would it? They haven’t been in it before.

The Doctor seems to be out of his depth this week.

Me: The Doctor’s called for help.
Sue: Who’s he calling for help?
Me: Who do you think?
Sue: Not the Master?
Me: No.
Sue: Time Lords! He’s called the Time Lords for help? It must be serious, then. It must be the Daleks...

The situation is so grave, it will take more than one Doctor to fix it.

Sue: So he’s going to meet himself?
Me: Looks like it. Is that an exciting prospect?
Sue: Yes. But he’s not allowed to do that, is he?
Me: Only during dire emergencies and anniversary celebrations.

The Second Doctor suddenly appears in the Third Doctor’s TARDIS.

Sue: So they physically brought him back, they haven’t just...
Me: Yes, it’s really him.
Sue: I thought they were being clever, and...
Me: (Laughing) No, he isn’t a special effect! It’s exciting, isn’t it? Two Doctors in the same room.
Sue: Yeah, it is. So was William Hartnell dead at this point?
Me: No.
Sue: So why not have three?
Me: Because that would be insane.

EPISODE TWO

The Time Lords are shitting themselves because they’ve detected a black hole that leads to a universe of anti-matter.

Me: We’ll have to get Nicol down later to explain the science to us.
Sue: Yeah, she can tell us what the hell is going on.

The Time Lords have pinned all their hopes on the Doctor.

Gary: They should send Doctor Smith.
Sue: Doctor Smith?
Gary: From Lost in Space.
Me: What’s so good about Lost in Space, Gary?
Gary: It was just... happy. With happy families.
Sue: If you hadn’t liked Lost in Space, Gary, I might have watched Doctor Who as a kid. So it’s your fault. You always got your way.

The Second Doctor realises their opponent is much cleverer than they are.

Me: Who do you think that might be, Sue?
Sue: I think it could be... the Master. Is it the Master?
Me: (Laughing) Do you honestly think the Master’s cleverer than them? Seriously? After everything you’ve seen?
Sue: Yeah, but he’s the Master. He’s the Doctor’s arch-enemy. If anyone could do it, it should be him.
Me: Well, it is the anniversary special...
Sue: So it’s got to be the Master, hasn’t it?

The anti-matter planet is rocked by some very impressive explosions.

Me: That was better than Lost in Space, Gary.
Gary: It was, yeah.
Me: Really?
Gary: Yes, it was.
Me: Excellent. More wine?

Omega’s palace reminds Gary of something else.

Gary: It looks like Santa’s grotto.
Me: It reminds me of Farscape.
Sue: (Laughing) You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? Get off!
Me: But it looks like Moya’s interior, that was organic, wasn’t it?
Sue: It looks nothing like Farscape. Farscape had fabulous production values for its budget.
Me: Sorry, I just really like talking about Farscape.

EPISODE THREE

After being sidetracked by a quick game of Snog, Marry, Kill (Sue would snog Pertwee, marry Troughton and kill Hartnell, whereas Gary would kill all three) we are finally introduced to the villain.

Sue: (Confused) He’s the villain? But he’s not the Master...

No, it’s Omega.

Sue: So that’s the main villain? That’s it?
Me: Yes.
Sue: He’s not that scary. Look at him. The Doctor could put his two fingers on him and sort him out.
Me: Wait and see.
Sue: (Pointing at Omega’s mask) The Master’s in there, isn’t he?

Meanwhile the Brigadier thinks he’s in Cromer...

Sue: That’s quite post-modern. “I’m sure that’s chroma...”
Me: Yeah, I know. It works on two levels, because Cromer is a real seaside town and chroma is also chroma key...
Sue: I didn’t even know there was a seaside town called Cromer.

Gary wants to know if Omega’s anti-matter universe is the same place where they used to film It’s A Knockout!

Me: You could imagine them dressing as Gel Guards on It’s A Knockout! You could imagine the Italian Gel Guard falling over.
Sue: The guy who used to laugh all the time. What did they call him?
Gary: Stuart Hall.
Me: Yeah, he was very cheerful for an academic.

After this obscure sociology joke, plus a reference to a convicted sex offender (it was a much more innocent time in 2012), we are side-tracked by a debate about famous cameo roles in Doctor Who.

Me: The Beatles were in Doctor Who. I bet Lost in Space never had The Beatles.
Gary: No, they had The Monkees.
Me: (Laughing) They had a monkey, Gary. People still say Paul ‘The Chase’ McCartney...

The Second and Third Doctors reach Omega’s Singularity Chamber.

Me: I’ve got a question here from Glen Allen. Is Jon Pertwee rubbish compared to Patrick Troughton?
Sue: He certainly is.
Gary: He should be exterminated.
Sue: Actually, I wouldn’t say rubbish...
Me: You’ve given him some very high scores.
Sue: Yes, because I’ve enjoyed it. But in terms of a Doctor, I just like Troughton. I like the way he moves. But Pertwee’s got better and I’m definitely warming to him.

Sue and Gary are both convinced they’ve seen Omega and the Doctor fight to the death before. Perhaps Lost in Space wasn’t on television that week...

Me: Here’s a question from Robert Dick: should any of the old companions have come back? For example, should Patrick Troughton have brought a companion with him, and if so, who?
Sue: Anyone but Jamie. They should have brought Barbara back for sure.
Me: But Barbara would have been stuck with William Hartnell in his little box.
Sue: Maybe she could have found a way to get in, ’cos she’s clever. She could have done what he would have done as the Doctor. She could have been his sub.

The episode concludes with the Third Doctor engaging in some slow-motion mental jousting.

Sue: Who’s he fighting?
Me: The dark side of Omega’s mind.
Sue: It’s quite deep, then...

EPISODE FOUR

We cajole Nicol into watching this episode in the vain hope she’ll be able to explain the science to us. The first thing she wants to know is why there are two Doctors on screen at the same time.

Me: It’s because Omega’s got this anti-matter universe, and he’s going to destroy our universe, so they’ve had to send two… Actually, they tried to send three, but one got stuck...
Sue: How did he get stuck, again?
Me: He got stuck in a time eddy.
Nicol: A time eddy? A turbulent eddy?
Sue: What’s a time eddy?
Nicol: A spinny thing, Mam.
Sue: She sounds like Matt Smith.
Nicol: Yeah, a time-wimey spinny thing.

My wife is still convinced the Master is hiding behind Omega’s “hat”, and then we wonder who could possibly play the insane Time Lord if he ever returned to the new series.

Me: Which actors are around now who can shout as loud as Stephen Thorne? I can’t think of any, can you?
Sue: Yeah, him that does... Oh, what’s he called?
Me: The X-Factor? “OLLY MURS!” Yeah, he’d be good.
Sue: It depends on whether he takes his mask off or not. A good actor would be wasted. Anyone could do the voiceover.
Gary: Him who does the darts. “IN ONE!”
Sue: That’s Bullseye, Gary.

There’s a lot for Nicol to take in.

Sue: (Pointing at the Gel Guards) What do you think of them, Nic?
Nicol: They look like giant toffee apples.
Gary: Pomegranates.
Nicol: So do they actually refer to it as an anti-matter universe? I’m not entirely happy with that term.

The First Doctor appears on the TARDIS scanner one last time.

Nicol: Oh, so there’s three of them now?
Sue: Yes, it’s the three Doctors.
Gary: The three degrees.
Nicol: I’m still not happy with the term anti-matter universe. That term is not correct. And if they’re combining their universe with an anti-matter universe...
Me: I know. Shouldn’t it explode?
Nicol: It would annihilate it, yeah. And if there are three Doctors, are there not three different universes?
Me: I think...
Nicol: (Exasperated) I missed the first three episodes so I don’t quite know what’s going on.
Sue: Don’t worry, love. You haven’t missed much.

I think it’s fair to say that Sue has completely lost the plot.

Sue: Have Jo and Benton got something going on?
Me: It’s supposed to be Yates and Jo who’ve got something going on.
Sue: Where is Yates?
Me: He isn’t in this one.
Sue: Why?
Me: I don’t know.
Sue: Hang on, what do you mean, you don’t know? You know everything else, so why don’t you know that?
Me: He’s on leave.
Sue: But they’ve got the three Doctors, he can’t go on leave!
Me: It was a special treat for the audience.

Omega is defeated, the Second Doctor returns to his own timeline, and the Third Doctor is reunited with his dematerialisation circuit.

Sue: Has (the Second Doctor) fixed the TARDIS for him? He has, bless him!
Me: The Time Lords did it. They’ve let him off. That’s it, we’re off Earth. His exile is over.
Sue: He’s paid his dues.
Me: He’s got a fully-working TARDIS now.
Sue: Hallelujah! Can he steer it?
Me: Erm...

Cue credits.

THE SCORE

Me: What did you think, Gary? I can tell that you enjoyed it.
Gary: I did. I was engrossed.
Me: Mark out of 10?
Gary: Two.
Me: Oh, come on!
Gary: I did enjoy it, actually.
Me: That’s good. I’m pleased.
Gary: I sat through two hours of that, although the wine helped.
Me: You don’t really want to give it a mark, do you, Sue?
Sue: I’m not that impressed, really. I’m going to give it:

5/10

Sue: Other than having three Doctors on screen at the same time, I wasn’t that keen.
Me: Do you think they should have had Daleks or Cybermen in it?
Sue: Yes, definitely.

COMMENT: “I like Gary. He’s the blog’s very own Master. Or possibly the Meddling Monk.” – Rob Shearman

NOTES: I always paused the episodes if our discussions threatened to hamper Sue’s ability to follow – or enjoy – the plot. However, it was a luxury I couldn’t afford when we recorded the video commentaries, especially if I hoped to edit the video and audio together later without losing the will to live. I offer this as a possible explanation for Sue’s below-average score. Or maybe The Three Doctors isn’t very good. Either way, I can’t shake the feeling that choosing this story for a video commentary was a silly idea in retrospect, although one good thing did come out it, because when people heard Gary’s sardonic love for Lost in Space, instead of reading about it second-hand, he became a lot more agreeable and a lot less killable. Which was nice.

As Graham was editing this book, he challenged me to address my “egregious mispronunciation” of ‘Gel Guards’ in the commentaries. To which I replied: “Who says it’s egregious? Prove it”.

CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS

BLOGGED: 21 January 2012

While Sue is busy elsewhere, I cue up the alternative version of Episode Two. You know, the one with the Delaware theme music.

Sue: I’m looking forward to this. Now that the Doctor’s got a fully-working TARDIS again, it should be a completely different show. Were they given a bigger budget for this season, Neil?

I press ‘play’.

Sue: They’ve changed the music... They’ve changed the music and it’s fucking terrible! Oh no! What have they done?
Me: Don’t worry. love. They were going to change the music, but when Barry Letts heard this, he had exactly the same reaction as you. Unfortunately, episodes with this arrangement were sent to Australia by mistake.
Sue: Those poor bastards. It was horrendous. Like a bad cover version. And why bother when there’s nothing wrong with the original?

EPISODE ONE

Normal service is resumed.

Sue: Ah, that’s better. Ooh... Robert Holmes. We like Robert Holmes. This should be a good one.
Me: This is a very important story for me. Not only was it my first exposure to Doctor Who, it also forms part of my earliest – and most vivid – childhood memory. I can remember one scene in particular...
Sue: Wait, don’t tell me. Let’s see if I can spot it. Hang on a minute – Ingrid Pitt isn’t in this one, is she?

The story begins at a spaceport on Inter Minor.

Sue: It’s the conveyor belt from The Generation Game.
Me: It’s supposed to be a baggage carousel.
Sue: Is it Christmas, then? Because everyone’s luggage is wrapped like a present.

Grey functionaries are beavering around the baggage area.

Sue: I love their costumes. Their leggings are really nice, too.
Me: But their masks... Don’t you think their masks look terrible?
Sue: Of course their masks look terrible. That goes without saying.

The TARDIS materialises in a cargo ship’s hold.

Sue: Good. I’m guaranteed some decent carpentry, at last.

Unfortunately, before she can check out the quality of SS Bernice’s timber, we return to Inter Minor, just in time to see Shirna climb out of her spacesuit.

Sue: Is this your earliest childhood memory, Neil?
Me: Hardly. I was only three.
Sue: Lady Ga-Ga would kill for a look like hers. She’s years ahead of her time.

The Doctor is convinced that he’s arrived in the Acteon galaxy.

Sue: There’s a crate over there with the word ‘Bombay’ stamped all over it.

But instead of using his eyes, the Doctor decides to converse with some chickens instead.

Sue: For pity’s sake, just look at the fucking crate!

Jo finally cottons on.

Sue: At last! The Doctor isn’t exactly Sherlock Holmes, is he?

Sue and Jo are convinced the Doctor is lost.

Sue: Does his bloody TARDIS work or not? What was the point of giving it back to him if it doesn’t work?

And that’s when Nicol walked in.

Nicol: The Doctor doesn’t steer the TARDIS, the TARDIS steers the Doctor, remember? Matt Smith? Female TARDIS? Neil crying?
Sue: Oh, yeah. Good point. I’d forgotten about that.
Me: You’re not supposed to know that yet! Oh, I give up.

Sue and Nicol discuss Jo Grant’s latest outfit. They adore her jacket and top, but they aren’t too sure about her trousers. Plus, they can’t tell whether she’s wearing her socks pulled-up over her boots or not, which drives them crazy. And then Nicol leaves, to swot up on anti-matter universes, I expect.

Sue: I can hear someone typing...
Me: That’s Dudley Simpson’s music, love.

The Doctor and Jo take cover behind some furniture to avoid being discovered by the ship’s passengers. And then, when Major Daly falls asleep, they emerge from their hiding place to discuss their predicament.

Sue: Why are they having this conversation next to a sleeping man? Go somewhere else!

And then a plesiosaur attacks the ship!

Sue: Ooh, is that the Loch Ness Monster?

The Doctor and Jo are imprisoned as stowaways. Luckily, Jo is packing some skeleton keys and they escape. However, as they make their way back through the ship, they notice the passengers and crew are repeating their actions on a loop.

Sue: It’s Groundhog Day. Or Dinosaur Day. I knew something funny was going on.
Me: No you didn’t! You thought the Doctor was being a prat.
Sue: So is this dinosaur your first childhood memory?
Me: God, no.

An enormous hand reaches down and picks the TARDIS up.

Sue: I used to love Land of the Giants. Was the giant hand your first childhood memory?
Me: No. Look, I’ll let you when we get there. You’re driving me insane, love.
Sue: I bet it’s something really obscure, like a close-up of a ladder, or something stupid like that.

As the credits roll, Sue takes stock.

Sue: It’s an interesting set-up. I’m definitely intrigued.

EPISODE TWO

Sue loves it when the stories begin to intertwine.

Sue: Oh, I see. It’s like Big Brother. But in a box.

The miniscope’s owner, Vorg, agitates his specimens, which results in Andrews challenging the Doctor to a boxing match, although it ends rather quickly.

Sue: I bet the Doctor cheated. I bet he stuck his finger on the other guy’s chest when no one was looking.

The Doctor and Jo are trapped inside a miniscope.

Sue: This feels like a big change in style to me. The colours. The location. The ideas. It just feels different. It’s as if Jon Pertwee is finally getting to be the Doctor he’s always wanted to be. He’s quite good this week, although I still hate him when he patronises Jo.

Thankfully, those moments – and there are quite a few of them – are offset by the comedic banter which fizzes between Pletrac, Kalik and Orum.

Sue: The script is very funny. Robert Holmes is in a different league to everybody else. I really love these characters.
Me: That’s Packer over there.
Sue: Is it really? Oh, yes, so it is. I love Packer. The direction is really good. Who is it?
Me: It’s Barry Letts.
Sue: Is it, really? I didn’t know Barry could direct as well.
Me: He was a writer, a director, a producer, and even an actor at one stage. There was no end to Barry’s talents.
Sue: (Impersonating Terrance Dicks, extremely badly) Bwarry said to me...
Me: Stop that. You don’t even know who you’re impersonating.
Sue: Yes, I do. It’s Ian Levine, isn’t it?

Vorg checks on his miniscope, and as he turns a knob, we are presented with a very familiar face...

Sue: It’s the Cybermen! I knew they were behind this.
Me: No you didn’t.
Sue: They haven’t been in it for ages. And you can’t be a proper Doctor if you haven’t faced the Cybermen. It’s probably a law or something.

The Doctor says, “All these shafts look the same.”

Sue: It’s the 1960s all over again. Yeah, he’s definitely the Doctor now. The only thing I can’t stand about this story is the way Robert Holmes has written Jo. She’s too dizzy and ditzy. I mean, she isn’t that thick. She’s acting like a 12 year-old child.

And then we reach a very special moment. Well, for me, at least.

Me: This is it.
Sue: Is this the bit where they reveal all the Cybermen?
Me: No. This is my earliest childhood memory.
Sue: But it’s just a swamp...

And then a Drashig rears its ugly head.

Sue: Oh, okay... Well, that wasn’t very phallic, was it?
Me: And that was it. I was hooked on Doctor Who from that point. I can remember practically every story from here.
Sue: You’re probably just remembering all the other times you’ve seen them. You know, as repeats, or on video.
Me: It isn’t just the plots I can remember. It’s feelings, and places. Smells, even. It’s usually a snapshot image of a time and place, all brought into sharp focus by a scene from the show. In this instance, my auntie is with me, she must have been babysitting because I was only three years old. Anyway, the chair I’m sitting on has black and white stripes running over it, there’s a gas fire to the left of me, and I’m drinking something orange. I think I’m eating a Farley’s rusk, too. I can bore you with more of these memories when we... Sue? Wake up, Sue.

EPISODE THREE

Sue: Jon Pertwee looks defeated.
Me: What do you think the Drashigs?
Sue: They look great. Very scary. Like giant evil caterpillars. Oh look, two of them are having a snog...

As our heroes run away from the monsters, Jo gets stuck in the mud.

Sue: Now we know why she’s wearing boots. Handy, that. It’s is a great scene, though. The direction is especially good. I love it when we go outside. Even if it is a bleak shit hole in the middle of nowhere.

Vorg protests his innocence to the Inter Minor authorities as hell breaks loose inside his machine.

Sue: You can see how this character would have been a big influence on the likes of Timmy Mallet. He would have been a good Doctor, actually. He’d have to change his costume, though.

The Inter Minor officials continue to bicker and point-score.

Sue: (Laughing) It’s Yes, Minister in space. It’s very funny, and they’ve got three excellent actors to play these parts. I could watch this all day.

The Doctor explains the miniscope’s chequered history to Jo.

Sue: Jo needs to calm down. Take a deep breath, love. And why is she playing it so young this week? She’s never usually like this.

I ask her what she thinks of the actor who’s playing Andrews.

Sue: He’s okay, I guess. Nothing special. He looks like Michael Schumacher. Will that do?

A Drashig attacks the SS Bernice.

Sue: The special effects are great. The chroma is working really well for Barry this week. Didn’t you tell me that Barry pioneered this technique? I bet he would have loved CGI.

The episode concludes as the Doctor escapes from the infernal machine.

Sue: He could have waited for Jo.

EPISODE FOUR

The Doctor returns to his normal size, which inspires Pletrac to embark on yet another rant about immigrants.

Sue: It’s Planet of the Daily Mail Readers.

The Doctor volunteers to save Vorg’s collection.

Sue: Does that mean he’ll have to rescue the Cyberman we saw earlier? That could be interesting.

And then Sue stops talking again.

Me: You’re not saying very much, love.
Sue: Shut up. I’m trying to listen to this. We don’t usually get dialogue as good as this – I don’t want to miss anything.

The Doctor is worried about Jo’s safety.

Sue: Why doesn’t he stick his hand into the machine and pick Jo up by her collar? It’s big enough.
Me: He’ll be bitten by the Drashigs.
Sue: But they’re tiny! Put a pair of gloves on, you wimp.

Everyone is worried the Drashigs will escape from the miniscope and wreak havoc on the city.

Sue: Just stamp on them when they come out of the machine. They’re tiny! It’ll be the same as standing on a normal caterpillar. You honestly don’t need a giant laser gun for that.

The Doctor returns to the miniscope’s interior and rescues Jo, but when they return to the exit, they are overcome by heat exhaustion and the Doctor faints.

Sue: Ouch! Jon Pertwee landed on his nose. That must have hurt.

The Doctor saves the day, the only way he knows how.

Sue: He’s reversed something again. It’s the only trick he has. Oh, look, that lid is made from cardboard. The money must have run out.

And then, as the credits rolled...

Me: I’ve just remembered something. Not only was Carnival of Monsters the first Doctor Who story I ever saw, it was the first story that inspired me to post something on the internet. Hang on a minute...

After a quick search of Usenet’s rec.arts.drwho archive:

Me: Here it is: March 31st 1995. I would have posted it from the university’s language lab. Yeah, I remember now... I was hanging out in a Telnet chatroom when I accidentally confused the philosopher Jeremy Bentham with the Jeremy Bentham who used to run the Doctor Who Appreciation Society. I was told to visit a newsgroup called rec.arts.drwho if I wanted to talk about Doctor Who. It was so embarrassing. I felt like a right tit.
Sue: Okay, you’ve lost me now.
Me: Anyway, my first post on rec.arts.drwho was about Carnival of Monsters.
Sue: What did you say?
Me: Here are some edited highlights: “Is it just me or are the Functionaries from Carnival of Monsters the worst example of make-up in the entire history of the series?”
Sue: That’s a nice, positive start.
Me: “I nearly fell off my chair in shock when they shambled onto the set. Bits of latex flapping around like no one’s business. And it wasn’t just one of them – all of them were flapping about! It was unbelievable!”
Sue: I thought you were supposed to be a fan, Neil?
Me: It gets worse: “Did Angela Seyfang (the make-up artist, and I use the term loosely) ever work again?”
Sue: That’s a bit harsh.
Me: “And as for Jon Pertwee: does anyone know how many times in the series he rubbed the back of his neck and looked baffled?”
Sue: How many replies did you get?
Me: None.
Sue: I can’t say I’m surprised. You sound like a troll.

THE SCORE

Sue: That was very good indeed. It just proves what you can do in four parts with a good writer, a good director and a good cast. That isn’t too much to ask for, is it? The only negative thing I have to say about it is that Jo was written like a child. She needs to toughen up a bit. Some of the make-up was a bit dodgy, too – although I wouldn’t go on the internet to complain about it.

9/10

COMMENT: “I have no recollection of that r.a.d.w post from March 1995. I’m surprised I didn’t leap in so I could explain how much I hated this story.” – Jason Miller

FRONTIER IN SPACE

BLOGGED: 31 January 2012

It’s been a whole year since we started watching Doctor Who together.

Sue: It’s flown by.
Me: Really? I thought you’d be fed up with it by now.
Sue: Not at all. In fact, I think it’s probably brought us closer together.
Nicol: I think I’m going to be sick.
Me: Go away, Nicol.

EPISODE ONE

A bombastic fanfare heralds the arrival of model spaceship.

Sue: This sounds like Dudley.
Me: Oh yes, this is definitely Dudley. This is basically what Doctor Who sounds like for the next seven years.
Sue: I can live with that.

The camera sweeps through the spaceship’s cockpit.

Sue: I like the direction straight away. That was a lovely tracking shot. And that pilot is very easy on the eye, too.
Me: I am still here, you know.
Sue: Yeah, this is a nice, pacey start. I hope they keep it up.

The TARDIS avoids colliding with the spaceship by materialising inside it.

Sue: This place reminds me of the Doctor Who Experience. Did they model the railings after this episode? I bet they did.

A high-pitched whine convinces Jo that she’s being attacked by a Drashig.

Sue: Not the bloody Drashigs again! How’s that going to work, exactly?

But before we can get into that, Sue is distracted by a picture that’s been chosen to decorate the ship’s cockpit.

Sue: (Pointing) There’s a woman with a laser coming out of her nipple. Look at it, Neil! I can’t believe they put porn on the wall in a children’s TV show. That’s shocking.

At least she’s impressed by the Draconians.

Sue: Their masks are great. They look like the Klingons. Who came first, Neil? This lot or the Klingons?
Me: The Klingons did, but they didn’t look like this then. They look more like this eventually, but many years from now. Does that make any sense?
Sue: Actually, forget the Klingons, this reminds me of Babylon 5.

The Doctor tells Earth’s authorities that victims of space piracy have been forced to witness their deepest fears, thanks to a post-hypnotic command.

Sue: Is it the Master? This has the Master written all over it.

The Doctor unlocks the door to his cell, but he’s spotted as soon as he tries to leave. So he apologises and steps back inside again.

Sue: That was funny. That was padding with a punchline.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that the scene is essentially a metaphor for the whole story. And then some Ogrons turn up.

Sue: It’s the Orcs again! Are the Daleks in this? Are the Master and the Daleks in this one? Is that even allowed?
Me: No.
Sue: It’s nice to see a woman in charge. This was well ahead of its time. I hope she doesn’t turn out to be useless. That would be a bit of a blow for feminism.

The Ogrons have stolen the TARDIS.

Sue: How did they get the TARDIS through that tiny door? That’s impossible!

A security team from Earth turn up to investigate. One of them wants to know if the Doctor is on his way to a fancy dress party.

Sue: He’s a fine one to talk. Has he looked in a mirror recently? He looks like he’s late for an American football practice. Look at his headgear! If you lit him from behind, he’d look like Mickey Mouse.

The Doctor and Jo are accused of being Draconian spies. Cue titles.

Sue: This isn’t too bad, you know. It’s quite epic for a Doctor Who.

EPISODE TWO

Sue can’t stop looking at the picture of the woman with a laser for a nipple.

Sue: It’s realistic. It’s just the sort of thing a bloke would Blu-Tack to the wall. But did we really need to see it? A female president implies that we’ve gone beyond all that nonsense in the future.

Luckily, I have the perfect distraction:

Me: We could play the Frontier in Space drinking game, if you like.

Sue reluctantly agrees and Jack Daniels makes a welcome return to the experiment. We will take a shot every time the Doctor or Jo are incarcerated. Warning: this is a very dangerous game indeed.

Sue: If you lit that pilot from behind, he’d look like Mickey Mouse.
Me: You said that yesterday.
Sue: Trust me, it’s worth repeating.

General Williams (aka Eric Cantona) wants to use a mind probe on the Doctor.

Me: (Screaming) No! Not the mind probe!

I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Sue: Is the mind probe really that bad?
Me: You have absolutely no idea. Actually, we could push the boat out and play two Frontier in Space drinking games at the same time, if you can handle it: we have to take a shot every time someone mentions a mind probe, as well.

The Doctor tells Jo about the time he once met a purple horse with yellow spots.

Sue: Now that’s an episode I’d like to see.

The Doctor says he’s never been employed by anyone in his life.

Sue: What is he talking about? Isn’t he technically working for UNIT this very second? And then there’s the Time Lords. He’s always doing odd jobs for them. What a liar.

Sue believes that General Williams is “definitely in on it” (whatever it is), and she thinks the actor who plays him (Michael Hawkins) exudes enough menace to be the big man himself.

Sue: Is this bloke the Master? Is this a new Master who’s regenerated between stories? Or maybe an old Master? They could do that if they wanted to, couldn’t they? That would be a shock. Instead of The Three Doctors you could have The Two Masters. Am I close?

The action shifts to the Draconian embassy on Earth.

Sue: I love the Draconians’ flat; they have great interior designers. It’s bright and airy. Maybe Habitat make a comeback in the future? It’s possible. Actually, I bet this looks more believable now than it did back in the 1970s. This reeks of the 1970s.

A strange whining sound is piped into the prison.

Sue: It’s driven our dog out of the room. I’ll have to deduct a mark for that. And it was doing so well, too.

The episode climaxes with an Ogron platoon storming the prison.

Sue: I may have to give a mark back for this, because this is very exciting. These Orcs don’t piss about, do they? Yeah, this is pretty good, actually.
Me: You’re drunk.

EPISODE THREE

Sue: It’s a hard life being President of Earth. Actually, I don’t like this scene. It implies that she cares more about her nails than she does the Draconian threat.

She is of course referring to the scene where the President is pampered on the brink of war.

Sue: I love her shoes, though. Her shoes are very trendy right now.

After what feels like weeks of build-up, the Doctor is finally subjected to the mind probe.

Sue: Is that it? It’s a sink drainer! Actually, this is what they do to people who go on Jeremy Kyle. “Have you ever had sexual contact with a Draconian?” And why does every woman in this society looks like she’s about to go to a cocktail party? That’s a bit silly.

The Doctor mocks the mind probe’s ineffectiveness (a word Jon Pertwee couldn’t possibly say in real life).

Sue: Shoot him in the kneecaps – that will wipe the smug grin off his face. Or threaten him with a DNA paternity test.

The authorities pack him off to a penal colony on the Moon instead.

Sue: Is it Guantanamo Bay in space? We’re going to need a very large drink when he gets banged-up there.
Me: Are we still playing the Frontier in Space drinking game? I’m still recovering from yesterday’s hangover.
Sue: You wimp.

Back on Earth, the Ambassador for Sirius IV demands custody of the Doctor and Jo. There’s just one tiny problem: the Ambassador is none other than...

Sue: Oh no. It’s him again.
Me: I love how the Master doesn’t even warrant a cliffhanger any more. He just waltzes into the scene in a wide shot.
Sue: I quite like that. It’s subtle.
Me: But do we want the programme to be subtle at this point?
Sue: To be honest, I’m less interested in this story now that the Master’s turned up. It felt quite fresh up until then. Now I’m just waiting for him to fuck it up. I wonder who he’s working with this time... It can’t be the Daleks, surely? Even the Master isn’t that stupid.

The Doctor joins the penal colony’s escape committee.

Sue: The Doctor’s been reduced to drinking out of a cup that’s been designed for a toddler. In a pair of blue pyjamas. Yeah, this isn’t one of his better days.

The episode ends with a botched escape attempt that leaves the Doctor trapped in a room with no oxygen.

Sue: The story is beginning to lose momentum, but I’ve seen worse. The drinking definitely helps.

EPISODE FOUR

Sue: It’s Battle of the Beards!

The prison governor and the Master are fighting for custody of the Doctor.

Sue: The governor can’t stop fondling his whiskers. I think he might have goatee envy, because the Master definitely wins this round.

Meanwhile in another cell...

Sue: This is the best cell we’ve seen so far, and I’m becoming quite the expert. You can actually film around this one. I’m guessing that we’ll be spending a fair amount of time in this particular cell.

The Doctor wonders who the Master is working with this time.

Sue: Yeah, who’s the Master going to be betrayed by this time? Is it the Cybermen? Or the Yeti? They’re hyping it up, whoever it is.

The cell that the Doctor and Jo now find themselves in comes equipped with a state of the art CCTV camera.

Sue: So no knocking one out before you go to sleep!

The Master decides to eavesdrop on his captives.

Sue: I notice that the Master doesn’t have any porn on his dashboard. He’s a class act.

The Doctor pretends to talk to Jo as he surreptitiously breaks out of his cell at the same time.

Sue: There is a lot of continuity in this story.
Me: Yeah, there’s a surprising amount of references to old stories. Maybe it’s because this is the 10th anniversary year.
Sue: I like it.
Me: You like a bit of fanwank then, do you?
Sue: I beg your pardon!

By the time I’ve explained this concept to her, Jo is still banging on about UNIT’s past glories.

Sue: They should talk about all the times the Master has fucked it up. That would wipe the smug grin from his face. And why doesn’t he just pay an Ogron to watch over them? I bet they’re cheap.

As the Doctor slips out of the cell, Jo tries to keep the fake conversation going.

Me: For the love of God, somebody give her a Target novel to read!

The Doctor makes it outside the spaceship.

Sue: I can see the strings. But they’re trying, bless them.

Sue gasps when the Doctor suddenly hurtles, out of control, into the inky blackness of space.

Sue: What a great cliffhanger.
Me: There’s still another 10 minutes left to go.
Sue: Fuck.

The Master grows tired of Jo’s never-ending monologue, and he doesn’t believe her when she insists that the Doctor is fast asleep.

Sue: She bored him to sleep.
Me: She was halfway through The Mutants at the time.
Sue: Hey, I liked The Mutants!

The Doctor clambers towards the airlock on the other side of the ship.

Sue: Oh dear, he’s caught his leg in the strings.

The Master isn’t fooled by Jo’s antics and he taunts her for being such a terrible actress.

Sue: He’s funny, I’ll give him that. The Master definitely livens things up, I suppose. I just can’t take him seriously any more. He smells of failure. And what does the Master want the Doctor for, anyway? You’d think he’d keep as far away from his arch-nemesis as possible, especially with his track record.

A Draconian landing party boards the ship and the Master and the Doctor are immediately overpowered.

Sue: Just use your fingers!

The Master, the Doctor and Jo are thrown into a cell together.

Sue: Do we have to take three shots of Jack Daniels when all three of them are locked up? Is that how it works?
Me: If you like. Any excuse will do.

The Master activates a device that he’d secreted in his pocket.

Sue: Why didn’t they search him? That’s the first thing you do when you throw somebody in a cell. Even I know that!

The episode concludes with an Ogron flying a spaceship.

Sue: What a rubbish cliffhanger.
Me: And no Ogron porn, either.

EPISODE FIVE

The Doctor, Jo and the Master are granted an audience with the Draconian Emperor.

Me: This is the scene I remember from my childhood. I’m in my nana’s house, there’s a white rug on floor, and pikelets are definitely involved...
Sue: (Ignoring me) The Draconians are great. At last, an alien you can shoot in a close-up without being embarrassed about it. Their masks are that good. Why haven’t they turned up in the new series yet? I assume they must turn up in the old series quite a lot – you don’t create something that good and not use it again. It’s a bit like the Orcs, they were too good not to use again, too.

A Draconian is assigned to partner the Doctor in his quest to avert interplanetary war.

Sue: I hope they become firm friends. The Doctor should have an alien companion. It would make him appear less racist.

And then we’re treated to a dogfight in space – Doctor Who style.

Sue: Say what you like, the director is doing his best with what he’s been given. He wouldn’t know a cliffhanger if it bit him on the arse, but he can handle the action scenes pretty well. This isn’t bad, all things considered.

The Doctor suggests the crew arm themselves against the Ogron boarding party.

Sue: The Doctor loves shooting Orcs. I’m beginning to think he’s got something against them.

General Williams recounts the events which led to the first Earth-Draconian war.

Sue: Hang on a minute. This is Babylon 5! It isn’t just similar to Babylon 5 – it is Babylon 5!

You have to admit, it is uncanny.

Sue: I’m glad Eric Cantona came good in the end. Just like the real Eric Cantona did.

The Master hypnotises Jo into doing his bidding.

Sue: If Jo falls for this, I’ll be very disappointed. She should have been trained to... Oh right, she has been trained. Thank God for that. Jo’s back to being her brave self again this week. I love how she takes on the Master and wins. You go, girl!

The episode ends with the Master reverting to his tried and tested fear-ray instead.

Sue: Another sloppy cliffhanger. They should have ended the episode with a monster. That’s just basic, that is.

EPISODE SIX

Sue: Why is Jo frightened of that?
Me: The Mutant?
Sue: Yeah, I thought they were supposed to be the good guys. She almost slept with one once, didn’t she? Oh look, another cell...

Jo digs her way out of the cell with a wooden spoon.

Sue: Use the bowl, love. Otherwise you’ll be there forever.
Me: When she gets out, she can give the Master his just desserts.

Sue reaches for a cushion, but I manage to talk her down.

Sue: What’s that picture on the wall supposed to represent?
Me: Ogron porn?
Sue: It does look a bit testicular...

As the episode builds towards a crescendo, our cat, Captain Jack, can’t take his eyes off the Ogrons.

Sue: Jack loves this episode.
Me: Yes, but he’s smashed off his face on drugs.

And then the Doctor finds himself outside the spaceship once again.

Sue: This is the last episode, so it should be pulling its finger out. I mean, didn’t we do this last week?

On the fabled Ogron planet (“What a dump”), the Ogrons are terrified by something hideous/ridiculous.

Sue: It’s Jabba the Hut.
Me: Jabba the Hoover Bag, surely?
Sue: I’m surprised you know what a hoover bag looks like, Neil.

And then the Master’s allies appear...

Sue: I knew it! I said it was the Daleks. They’re extremely late. It must have been exciting for the kids until they realised they’d only get to see them for 10 minutes. Oh dear, they sound terrible. Is there a special edition where Briggsy does the voices?

Not only has the Doctor been thrown into another prison cell, we’ve run out of Jack Daniels too.

Sue: The Doctor will escape by reversing the polarity. He always reverses the bloody polarity.

The episode concludes with the Doctor positively shitting himself.

Sue: I can’t believe this isn’t over yet. How many episodes is this really, Neil? Be honest.
Me: Well, technically it’s 12.

A cushion hits me between the eyes.

Sue: So I don’t have to mark it?
Me: No, you still have to mark it.
Sue: Is the next episode called Frontier in Space Episode Seven?
Me: No.
Sue: So, is this 12-parts or not?
Me: It’s two six-parters which dovetail nicely into each other.
Sue: Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t.

THE SCORE

Sue: These stories are too long, And it isn’t even over yet, which doesn’t exactly help. If they’d compressed that into four episodes, it would have scored a seven, or maybe even an eight. But they blew it.

6/10

Sue: I can’t believe it isn’t over yet. Having said that, watching the Master working with the Daleks should be fun.

COMMENT: “Men still put up porn on the walls when Thatcher was PM.” – Korv

NOTES: Captain Jack was off his face on drugs because he picked up a life-threatening urinary tract infection between Episodes Four and Five (please see the next entry for more cat-related bladder nonsense).

PLANET OF THE DALEKS

BLOGGED: 13 February 2012

EPISODE ONE

Sue: We used to have a wardrobe like that. Actually, everyone had a wardrobe like that in 1973. And why have we never seen this wardrobe before? Have the Time Lords sent the Doctor some furniture in his hour of need? Is it a magic cupboard of some sort? What the fuck is going on?

She’s referring to the IKEA-style flat pack wardrobe-bed-combo unit that’s suddenly an integral part of the TARDIS set.

Sue: Why is the Doctor sleeping in the control room? I thought the TARDIS was supposed to be massive? And where does Jo sleep? Does she curl up in a chest of drawers?

The Doctor slips into a coma.

Sue: What’s wrong with the Doctor, anyway? Was he shot in the head by the Master?
Me: I think so. It isn’t clear.
Sue: He looks fine to me. He’s probably come down with a bad case of man flu. He’s even worse than you, Neil.

Jo checks the Doctor’s hearts.

Sue: She’s listening to his tummy. She can’t tell if he’s alive or not, but she knows what he had for breakfast.

Before we know it, the Doctor is covered in white powder.

Sue: That’s the worst case of dandruff I’ve ever seen. The Doctor’s goggle-eyed stare is a bit Worzel Gummidge, as well. Is he going to grow a new head, like David Tennant grew a new hand?

Jo operates the TARDIS scanner.

Sue: Can’t they afford a colour television in the TARDIS? That’s a bit cheap.

As Jo surveys their surroundings, a mysterious substance is squirted at the scanner screen.

Sue: They’ve landed in the middle of a paintball tournament. Jo will need to find some protective goggles if she’s seriously thinking about going outside. Not that she should, of course. I mean, why would you?

Jo puts on a raincoat and leaves the safety of the TARDIS.

Sue: Look at the size of that collar. If there’s a strong gust of wind, she’ll take off. Actually, I had a raincoat like that, once. But it was the 1970s and practically everyone had a raincoat like that. I’m sure my collars were smaller than hers though. It’s windy up north.

As Jo explores the jungle, Sue doesn’t know what the poor girl hopes to achieve.

Sue: What does she expect to find? A chemist? And is Jon Pertwee doing a William Hartnell this week? Has he got the week off? The lucky bastard...

As she says this, the Doctor wakes up alone in his ship.

Sue: If only Jo had waited two more minutes, everything would have been fine. That’s just typical.

Jo stumbles across a crashed spaceship in a clearing and takes a look inside. Unfortunately, when its occupants turn up, it doesn’t take them very long to discover her pathetic excuse for a hiding place.

Sue: Has she been rescued by ABBA?

The Doctor learns that the TARDIS is rapidly running out of oxygen.

Sue: I bet he wishes he could crack open one of the police box’s windows. I could make a list of TARDIS design flaws, you know.

The Doctor is rescued by the astronauts who saved Jo.

Sue: Oh yes, I remember the Thals. They’re completely useless, aren’t they?

The Doctor tells the Thals that he encountered their kind on Skaro long ago, when he was travelling with Ian, Susan and Barbara.

Sue: Barbara! Oh, how I miss Barbara. Can you imagine Barbara and Jo joining forces for a story? That would be great, wouldn’t it? You wouldn’t need the Doctor at all.

The theme music kicks in as a horrified Doctor discovers the presence of an invisible Dalek.

Sue: Nice cliffhanger.
Me: Aren’t you bothered that the Doctor is surprised to see that Dalek, even though he saw them last week, and he’s specifically come to this planet to stop them?
Sue: He isn’t surprised to see a Dalek, stupid. He’s surprised to see an invisible Dalek. Do try to keep up, love.

EPISODE TWO

As luck would have it, Sue misses Terry Nation’s name during the opening credits again. The fact that I distracted her with a jelly baby is neither here nor there. And no, we don’t eat jelly babies while we watch the episodes. Just some of them.

Sue: I’m sure I’ve seen this actor in something else...

She’s referring to Prentis Hancock, who’s playing the Thal named Vaber.

Me: We’ll be here all day listing everything Prentis Hancock has been in. Do you remember Space 1999?
Sue: No, I don’t. He’s very intense. Is he always this intense?
Me: I won’t hear a bad word said against Prentis. He’s my favourite bad actor of all time.
Sue: You know, Jon Pertwee looks more and more like my mam as the series goes on. It’s his grey bouffant. The resemblance is uncanny from a certain angle.

With invisible Daleks roaming the surface, our heroes are saved by the planet’s early warning system, otherwise known as the eye-plants.

Sue: Just make up a joke about Steve Jobs, love. I’m too tired to think of one.
Me: Okay. And don’t worry, I’m sure Captain Jack will be fine. Stop worrying about him and start worrying about Jo Grant. It’ll take your mind off things.

The Doctor sets off to look for Jo, but the Daleks spoil his plans when they shoot him in the knees. And then, adding insult to injury, they make him walk back to the city doubled-up in agony.

Me: Ironically, this is how Jon Pertwee ends his days.
Sue: Are the Daleks going to take him to the Master? He’s been keeping a very low profile so far.

The Doctor ends up sharing a cell with a Thal named Codal, and it doesn’t take very long for the two men to bond.

Sue: That was a nice scene. I like this bloke, he has a Paul McGann thing going on.

The Doctor wants to escape, so the men turn out their pockets to see if they’re carrying anything that can help them.

Sue: So, the Daleks put the Doctor in a cell without emptying his pockets first? The Daleks deserve everything they get. Although, having said that, it’s probably hard for them to search anyone with arms like theirs. Oh, they’ve left him with his sonic screwdriver. There’s simply no excuse for that.

Meanwhile Jo has been rescued by an invisible Spiridon named Wester.

Me: I have a vivid memory of watching this particular scene when I was three years old. All I know for sure is that I was ill at the time. Stomach-ache, I think. It’s a very sketchy image, but I’m definitely lying on the settee with a hot water bottle on my tummy. I can remember it like it was yesterday. But I don’t remember the Daleks at all. Funny, that.
Sue: Either the invisible man is making hot chocolate or he’s draining Jo’s blood. I can’t really tell.

Wester pours the contents of the bowl over Jo’s arm.

Sue: Chocolate sauce and cabbage. Not a good look for Jo.

As the Daleks glide around the city, Sue admires their new look.

Sue: I like the Daleks’ paint job. Battleship grey makes them look like they mean business. The Daleks are less scary when they’re bright and multicoloured. These Daleks would be quite threatening in the dark.

Codal and the Doctor make a break for freedom.

Sue: Don’t tell me. The Doctor reverses the polarity of something?

Of course he does.

Sue: I could write this, you know.

The episode concludes with another Thal spacecraft crashing into Spiridon.

Sue: The Thals may have invented space flight, but they haven’t invented space landing yet.

EPISODE THREE

Me: The most interesting thing about this episode is that it was only available in black and white until very recently.
Sue: Interesting use of the word ‘interesting’, there.

When Terry’s name appears in the title sequence, I turn to Sue so I can gauge her reaction.

But there’s no response. Nothing at all.

Me: You’re thinking about Captain Jack again. I can tell.

I don’t blame her. Our cat, Captain Jack, has taken over our lives. He came down with a urinary tract infection two weeks ago which resulted in various complications, the biggest being that if he doesn’t empty his bladder every 48 hours, he’ll die.

I could write a book about feline lower urinary tract disease (FLUTD) after what we’ve been though. Last Sunday, we had to drive the little fella to a specialist at four o’clock in the morning – in the snow – because the Valium he’d been prescribed was making him hallucinate and he was trying to eat lumps of coal.

One of the vets told us that Jack would have to be put down, while another (much more expensive) is determined to give him as many chances as possible. Which means we have to stay alert for any signs of Jack doing his business. If we can’t be certain that he’s peed, then a cry at 6am could mean his bladder is going to explode, instead of, “I want some ham”. It’s a nightmare.

I’m doing the night shift right now – it’s 5:30am as I write this – and he’s slept through the night. I just hope he’s okay. If the problem persists, the only alternative is a very complicated operation. And we’d have to call him Captain Jackie, too.

Anyway, back on Planet of the Daleks, Jo is spying on some Spiridon collaborators dressed in purple furs. They’re supposed to keep out the cold, but I reckon it’s to stop them bumping into each other.

Sue: If the natives are completely naked when they’re invisible, where is this one holding its stick?
Me: Sue!

The Thals enter a tunnel carved out of ice.

Sue: That’s pretty good. Actually, the direction isn’t too bad. I haven’t noticed anything terrible yet.
Me: It helps that these scenes were shot on film.
Sue: I wish they’d shot the whole thing on film. Even the crap bits look better on film.

Codal and the Doctor manhandle a Dalek in order to screw with its central impulses.

Sue: This reminds me of the first Dalek story we saw. It feels very old-fashioned.
Me: It’s funny you should say that.
Sue: Why is that funny?
Me: You’ll work it out eventually.

As Sue ponders this – and I feel increasingly guilty about the lack of foot rubbing – a Thal named Marat sacrifices himself so his colleagues can escape. Which makes me feel even more guilty about not rubbing her feet.

Sue: That would have been a noble death if he’d actually helped them get away. But he didn’t. So it wasn’t.

A Dalek with a laminated map stuck to its plunger tells his colleagues that he found it on Marat’s corpse.

Sue: I want to see the scene where the Dalek searched the body. What a farce that would have been. No wonder they need henchmen. Actually, where is the Master? We’re nearly halfway through the story and there’s still no sign of him.

I can’t do it any more, so I tell her what happened to Roger Delgado.

Sue: That’s really sad. So did they write him out of the story at the last-minute?
Me: No, the Master was never going to be in this story.
Sue: What? But that makes no sense at all. They promised us Dalek/Master action the other week. That doesn’t seem fair.

The Doctor and the Thals escape thanks to a lot of hot air.

Sue: That was okay, I guess. Although it isn’t quite the same when Captain Jack isn’t here to watch it with us.

EPISODE FOUR

Jack’s back home again, off his whiskers on the cat version of Ecstasy.

Sue: Terry Nation! I should have bloody guessed.
Me: I owe you a foot rub, love. Fair’s fair.
Sue: I can’t move my feet when Jack’s on my knee. Look at him. How could I possibly move him?
Me: Just don’t say I didn’t offer.
Sue: I don’t care. All I want right now is Jack on my knee. I’ll punish you later.

As the Doctor and his Thal companions rise up the shaft in their hot air balloon, the Daleks follow them on an anti-gravity disc.

Sue: If this was the new series, the Daleks would just fly after them. Maybe it was this encounter with the Doctor that forced them to sort that out.

The Daleks call a meeting so they can discuss their plans for galactic domination.

Sue: The one with the drooping eyestalk looks like he might be asleep. I hope he isn’t supposed to be taking the minutes.

When the Doctor and Jo are reunited, Jo excitedly exclaims, “And then I was rescued by a bowl!”

Sue: What a great line. Only on Doctor Who.

Taron tells Rebec that he loves her, and that her presence on this mission will be the reason they’ll fail. In short, he’ll be too busy focusing on her tits to concentrate.

Sue: What a dick! He may as well have told her to stay in the kitchen on Skaro.

As our heroes head for the Plain of Stones, Vaber starts to freak out again.

Sue: He should be shot for mutiny. He’s pulled a gun on his commander twice now! How many verbal warnings do you give a man before he blows your fucking head off?

Vaber runs into the jungle with the Thals’ remaining explosives. Unfortunately for him, he’s captured by some Spiridon collaborators, one of whom sounds suspiciously like Wester.

Sue: Hang on, is the invisible man who saved Jo a double agent? Or do all the Spiridons sound the same? And does this guy’s safety really deserve a cliffhanger?

EPISODE FIVE

Sue: They should have called this one Planet of the Tinsel. I’m sorry, but that’s the best I can do. I can’t really concentrate on this when I’m straining to hear the cat.
Me: I think...
Sue: Shhh. Can you hear him crying?
Me: No, that’s the sound of a bird cawing on the soundtrack to this episode. It’s been cawing throughout the entire story. In fact, he caws in every jungle-based Doctor Who story. He’s in The Daleks’ Master Plan for a start.

When Wester arrives at the Plain of Stones, the Doctor tries to brain him with a stick. Thankfully, Jo intervenes.

Sue: How can she know which invisible alien is which? Is it because of the unique stains on his rug?

The purple rugs remain a source of fascination for Sue.

Sue: Jack would love a rug like that.

And later...

Sue: I don’t know why they don’t just throw the purple rugs over the Daleks. They’re the perfect weapon.

And then, approximately 12 minutes into Episode Five, we reach an important milestone.

Sue: We should do a dance or something, but I’m not in the mood right now. I just want Captain Jack to have a wee.
Me: Give me a kiss instead. I’m really proud of you for making it this far.
Sue: Halfway, eh?
Me: Yeah, it’s all downhill from here.
Sue: I suppose it’s appropriate that the halfway point reminds me of the first episodes you made me watch. If you turned down the colour, you’d think you were watching a 1960s story, what with all these Daleks having long, boring conversations with each other in metal rooms. Terry fucking Nation.

As if to prove her point, a Dalek runs into some polystyrene rocks.

Sue: It was never going to make it through that gap. That was asking for trouble.

Sue perks up when the Thals take her advice and throw the Spiridons’ rugs over the Daleks’ heads.

Sue: The entrance to the city looks like the entrance to the tube.
Me: The London Underground?
Sue: No, Channel 4’s The Tube.
Me: Oh yeah. So it does.

The Daleks hope to unleash a deadly plague on the galaxy (“Terry Nation doesn’t half love a good plague”), so Wester sacrifices himself to stop them. And when he dies, his true features are revealed to us.

Sue: With a face like that, you can see why they want to be invisible.

EPISODE SIX

Jack is curled up on Sue’s knee, off his tits on diazepam, the lucky bastard.

Sue: The Daleks are pushovers, aren’t they? You just have to get behind them and hang on a bit. No wonder they’re so desperate to become invisible. It would stop people laughing at them.

The Dalek Supreme’s ship arrives on Spiridon.

Sue: That’s a great design for a spaceship.
Me: It was designed by a 10-year old child. I’m not joking, either.
Sue: It’s great. It references the original Dalek design and there’s a nice simplicity to it. Can you buy this ship as a toy?
Me: Give it time. Give it time.

The Dalek Supreme emerges from his ship.

Sue: Bling!

Meanwhile Jo is chatted up by a Thal named Latep.

Sue: Jo could do a lot better than him. Even Mike Yates would be a better catch than him. He looks all right, I suppose – he’s a bit Keith Chegwin for my taste.

It turns out that the Dalek Supreme isn’t quite as fancy as he first appeared.

Sue: It’s got an Everready torch for an eye! They haven’t even bothered to hide it. Did a 10-year old design this as well?

The Dalek Supreme is unhappy with a progress report he receives from one of his subordinates, so he exterminates him.

Sue: He’s the Daleks’ Darth Vader.

Jo and Latep abseil into the Dalek city, and Latep is extremely eager when it comes to helping Jo down.

Sue: Watch your hands, sunshine. You ain’t married yet.

Believe it or not, Sue liked the Dalek’s frozen army at first.

Sue: That doesn’t look too bad.
Me: Are you serious? Are you actually looking at it?
Sue: I don’t see the problem. Oh, hang on, I see what you mean. They don’t look right, do they? They’re too pointy at the front.
Me: They’re toys!
Sue: Well, what else were they going to do? They weren’t going to build 10,000 Daleks, were they? At least they aren’t using cardboard cut-outs this time.

The episode concludes with a lacklustre explosion and some lukewarm jeopardy. And then, when the dust settles, the Doctor warns the Thals not to glamourise their exploits when they return to Skaro.

Sue: That was profound.
Me: Yeah, it’s just a shame the Doctor’s dialogue is drowned out by what sounds like a very randy elephant.
Sue: I like the message, though: don’t turn this story into a movie. I can go along with that.

Latep (or Lametep, if you’re Sue) asks Jo to return to Skaro with him.

Sue: Oh no, she’s actually going to leave with him, isn’t she? Why would she want to live on a planet crawling with Daleks? Hasn’t the Doctor told her that Skaro is a dump? And I bet they won’t be able to land the ship properly, so she’ll probably die before she even sees the shit hole she would have ended up living on. It’s Susan all over again! Jo deserves a lot more than this.

But no! Jo Grant blows him out. Phew.

Sue: It’s going to be a long journey home for Cheggers.

And then, just when we think it’s all over, the Dalek Supreme emerges from the jungle for one last – and thoroughly fruitless – throw of the dice.

Me: Sorry, love, this story is actually 18 episodes long. Ouch!

One of the few cushions I actually deserved, I’m sure you’ll agree.

THE SCORE

Sue: That went exactly how I expected. The only surprise was that the Master wasn’t in it – and that wasn’t even a nice surprise. Some of the performances were okay, and the direction was fine, especially considering the ridiculously over-optimistic script, but it didn’t do anything for me. It could be that I’ve got other things on my mind right now, but I’ve forgotten it already. And I can’t say I’m overjoyed to see Terry fucking Nation back again. I didn’t even get a foot rub out of it. Please tell me he isn’t back for good, Neil.

5/10

COMMENT: “Good luck with Captain Jack. Such a cool idea to name a cat after a pirate.” – Newbunkle

NOTES: As I edit this book, I still can’t buy a replica Dalek Supreme spaceship. What are you waiting for, Character Options? Oh, and I’d also like a Quark, a Taran wood beast and the Whomobile while you’re at it, thanks.

THE GREEN DEATH

BLOGGED: 17 February 2012

EPISODE ONE

Sue: I like this one already. We’re on location and it’s got a Land Rover in it.

The Green Death takes place at a colliery in South Wales, and there’s definitely trouble at t'pit.

Sue: I feel like we’ve stumbled into a Ken Loach drama by mistake.

As Stevens, the director of Global Chemicals, perfects his Neville Chamberlain impersonation, a miner emerges from the pit. Not only is he dead, he’s very, very green.

Nicol: That miner looks like he’s been to a Klaxons gig.
Me: If you say so, Nicol. I don’t know what that means. Oh, and you’re late, as usual.

Meanwhile Jo Grant is threatening to run away to Wales so she can help someone called Professor Jones.

Sue: Jo is going to leave, isn’t she? She’s going to leave the series in the first episode.
Nicol: Mother! She’s just going to have her own adventure. She isn’t going to leave the series.
Sue: It feels like she’s getting ready to leave.

Nicol sighs. I say nothing.

While Jo and the Brigadier head for Llanfairfach, the Doctor buggers off to Metebelis 3. And that’s when Sue jumps out of her skin. I think it’s the first time the classic series has ever given her a genuine fright. And all it took was a rubber tentacle.

Sue: What the hell was that?

When Jo arrives at the Wholeweal community (affectionately known as the Nuthutch), she embarrasses herself in front of the professor she wanted to impress.

Nicol: How can she not know what the professor looks like? I thought she said she was a big fan of his? And she was only reading a newspaper story about him five minutes ago. That’s a bit silly.
Sue: Funny, though.

Meanwhile the Doctor is having a torrid time of it on Metebelis 3.

Sue: Why did the Doctor want to come here in the first place? It’s a nightmare! Maybe he’s landed on Metebelis 2 by mistake? You know what he’s like.

The Doctor is attacked by some giant chicken legs.

Nicol: It’s turned into Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Back on Earth, Professor Jones is talking about alternative energy sources, wind turbines, heat-pumps and sustainability. In short, this is right up Sue and Nicol’s street.

Sue: This is years ahead of its time. A lot of the technology he’s talking about here is still cutting-edge today.
Nicol: Is this why you wanted me to watch this episode?
Me: Yes, you’re our renewable energy adviser this week.

Nicol is currently working for a company that specialises in green energy, and I thought she could bring her professional perspective to the table.

Nicol: He’s a hypocrite, this professor. He says he wants to save the planet, but the lights are still on in the hall when no one’s using it. He’s decorated the place with carnival lights, too, which can’t be very energy efficient.
Sue: He left a record player on when no one was listening to it, too.

The Doctor finally escapes from the living hell that is Metebelis 3, and returns to UNIT HQ just in time to answer the phone. “I’ll speak to anyone!” he cries.

Sue: (Laughing) He won’t be going back there in a hurry!

Meanwhile Stevens is conferring with a mysterious off-screen voice.

Sue: Is it a new Master?
Me: What?
Sue: Do we get a new Master? Have they recast the part?

Stevens places some expensive-looking headphones over his ears.

Nicol: That’s a nice pair of Dr Dre Monster Beats he’s got there.

Meanwhile a miner named Dai is about to live up to his name.

Sue: This is vaguely familiar. Then again, everything nasty or bad in science fiction tends to be green, so I can’t be 100 per cent sure.

Jo teams up with a miner named Burt, however, thanks to a saboteur, they’re sent hurtling to their deaths as Talfryn Thomas looks on.

Sue: That was pretty good. Let’s watch another one.
Me: It’s Valentine’s Day. Wouldn’t you prefer a romantic comedy instead?
Sue: Sod that. Put some Doctor Who on.

EPISODE TWO

The Doctor arrives at the mine just in time to discover Jo’s plight.

Sue: Reverse the lift’s polarity!

The Doctor jams a metal bar into its workings instead.

Sue: That would have taken his arm off in real life.

As Global Chemicals’ PR man becomes increasingly suspicious of the company he keeps, the penny finally drops for Sue too.

Sue: Crossroads!
Me: Finally! I was beginning to worry that you weren’t going to recognise him. It’s Tony Adams. He played Adam Chance.
Sue: He was a smooth fucker, wasn’t he?
Me: That reminds me – do you have anything to say about Professor Jones? Is he dishy or not?
Sue: Dishy. Definitely dishy. He has a David Cassidy thing going on. But isn’t he a bit young to be a professor?
Me: Brian Cox is a professor, and he’s pretty young.
Nicol: He’s quite old, actually. He’s in his early 40s.
Me: Thanks for that, Nicol.

As the voice of Stevens’ boss continues to make its presence felt, Sue thinks she’s watching a sequel to The Invasion.

Sue: Is it the guy who ordered Packer around in that Patrick Troughton story?
Me: No, it isn’t him.
Sue: Is it the Master, then?
Me: You’re doing that on purpose now, aren’t you?

Stevens and the Brigadier argue the toss over who has the most jurisdiction when it comes to Global Chemicals.

Sue: You could easily remake this story today. You wouldn’t have to change the script very much, either. It’s perfect for our time: government corruption, backhanders, pollution. It’s like Edge of Darkness or something.

The Doctor and Professor Jones decide their only chance of rescuing Jo lies with Global Chemicals agreeing to loan them their equipment. So when the company gives them the cold shoulder, the scientists take matters into their own hands and Professor Jones turns up at the gates with a marching band in tow. The security forces are immediately scrambled.

Sue: They’re over-reacting a bit. They’re only street performers. They’d probably get on your tits after a while, but they aren’t exactly al-Qaeda.

The Doctor uses the distraction to sneak into Global Chemicals, although it isn’t long before he’s up to his neck in security guards.

Nicol: That isn’t Jon Pertwee.
Me: Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, Nic. I may be in my early 40s but I can still see, you know.
Sue: Use your finger! You wouldn’t need a stuntman if you used your finger.

As Jo and Burt make their way through the mine, Burt is stupid enough to touch the green slime that’s oozing out of the walls.

Sue: Is there a subtitle track we could use? I didn’t understand a single word Burt just said.
Me: I can’t believe he actually finished a sentence without saying ‘boyo’ at the end of it.

And then we enter a short spell where Sue becomes totally engrossed in the story. Nails are bitten and everything.

Sue: This is quite good, isn’t it?
Me: This story had a massive impact on me when I was a boy. It was the concept of contamination that really freaked me out – the fact you could catch the green death by touching someone – I still feel a bit funny when I think about it now.

When Jo encounters a hoard of maggots covered in green slime, Sue thinks she’s seen it all before.

Sue: It’s a challenge on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Are they witchetty grubs?

I’m too busy hiding behind a cushion to correct her.

Sue: Great stuff.

EPISODE THREE

Just as we settled down to watch this episode, Captain Jack startled us with an unearthly howl. And then, as he staggered around the living room with a look on his face that said, “Fix me, you idiots”, we knew we’d have to postpone our scheduled visit to Llanfairfach for a trip to the emergency vets instead.

The good news: Jack’s bladder wasn’t full. The bad news: he could be addicted to Diamazepan.

Anyway, the next evening, with Jack fast asleep on Sue’s lap (thanks to a ridiculously expensive cocktail of drugs), we began the episode again, and this time, when the Doctor and Jo find themselves surrounded by maggots, the Doctor offers some very sound advice.

Sue: “Nil desperandum”? Isn’t that Sunderland’s official motto?
Me: Yes. I can’t imagine why.

The Doctor and Jo climb into a mine cart and row their way to safety.

Sue: Hmm... This isn’t the special effects department’s finest hour.
Me: It was bloody terrifying in the novelisation. I didn’t sleep for weeks.
Sue: I know, all your tossing and turning kept me awake all night.
Me: Oh, very funny.

Sue loves Jerome Willis.

Sue: He’s a very good actor. I like it when the villains are down-to-earth and believable. This is much more interesting than alien jungles and invisible Daleks. It’s weird seeing the Brigadier out of uniform, though. He looks like a used car salesmen.

When Stevens’ Monster Beat headphones are wheeled out again, Sue becomes even more convinced she’s watching a sequel to The Invasion.

Sue: Are the Cybermen involved in this? Those headphones look very Cybermany to me.
Me: No.
Sue: Good.

When another Global Chemicals employee tries to resist his conditioning, he’s programmed for self-destruction instead.

Sue: Suicide on children’s television. Nice.
Me: This is so grim, even the villain isn’t sure about what he’s just done.
Sue: The birdsong makes it even worse.

Back at the Nuthutch, a dinner party is in full swing. No, not that kind of swing. But it’s close. Professor Jones tells his guests about a fungus from South America and Jo becomes very excited indeed.

Me: Yeah, I bet he’d like to take her up the Amazon.

And then, in the midst of all this frivolity, we learn that Burt the miner is dead. Boyo.

Sue: This is very bleak all of a sudden.

But the bad news doesn’t dampen Jo’s desire to go hunting for mushrooms (we’ve all been there), and the Doctor looks like he’s been fatally wounded when he walks in on his companion just as she’s preparing to snog the Professor’s face off.

Sue: He is so jealous.

The Doctor tries to impress Jo with the blue crystal he stole from Metebelis 3.

Sue: He’s trying to compete, but it isn’t working. He’s gutted. It isn’t sexual jealousy, though. He wants to protect her. He doesn’t want to shag her, but he doesn’t want anybody else to shag her, either.

The Doctor proves this by gently leading Cliff away, which leaves Jo at the mercy of a giant maggot.

Sue: A feminist film theorist would have a field day with this.

EPISODE FOUR

Nicol: It looks like a Slinky. Just throw it down some stairs.

Yes, Nicol’s back for more, and she isn’t a fan of the maggots. So I remind her what happened to Gary and she gives it a rest.

Sue: Benton!

Yes, UNIT have been tasked with keeping the locals away from the mine. And then, completely out of the blue, there’s a reference to a cat knocking on death’s door.

Sue: (Gobsmacked) Unbelievable.
Me: You’re seeing patterns in things that aren’t there, love. Don’t worry.
Sue: Oh no. Not Mike Yates!

Yates is pretending to be a government minister, but instead of preventing the mine from being blown up, he allows the demolition to go ahead instead.

Sue: Right, so Yates has infiltrated the bad guys so successfully, he’s become a bad guy himself. Excellent work, Yates. Having said that, this scene where the Doctor and Yates stare each other out is brilliant.

Stevens is bollocked by his invisible boss.

Me: It’s not every day you hear a reference to Nietzsche on children’s television.
Sue: I’m just happy the Brig is back in uniform. I feel safer already.

As Jo assists Professor Jones’ experiments to find a cure for the green death, Sue can see the writing on the wall.

Sue: Jo isn’t going to make it out of this story. They are setting it up for her to leave with this guy. This is definitely her last story.

When a cleaner at Global Chemicals stumbles across a tank full of slime and maggots, she runs away screaming.

Sue: (As the cleaner) I’m not mopping that up!

Our heroes don’t seem to know what these giant maggots will eventually turn into.

Sue: They’ll turn into giant flies, you idiots! I thought they were supposed to be the clever ones?

As the maggots dig their way to the surface, Sue couldn’t care less how Jon Pertwee pronounces the word chitinous. In fact, I haven’t seen her enjoy Doctor Who this much in ages.

Sue: Even Yates is good in this.

The Doctor breaks into Global Chemicals again.

Sue: What’s the big deal with the replacement milkman? Am I missing something?
Me: Only that the milkman is Jon fucking Pertwee!
Sue: Is it really? I’m impressed.

As the Doctor infiltrates Global Chemicals (and is attacked by his own fake moustache in the process), Jo continues to assist Professor Jones in his search for a cure. But instead of expressing gratitude, the professor is rude, nasty, and a little bit threatening.

Sue: Right, back away slowly, Jo. He’s just shown you his true colours. You’ll be an abused spouse before you know it. Get out of there while you still can.

Global Chemicals have found a replacement cleaner.

Me: That’s Jon Pertwee, love.
Sue: Are you sure? She looks like my mam.
Me: And?

I’m acutely embarrassed by this scene, but Sue and Nicol are lapping it up.

Nicol: It’s turned into The League of Gentlemen.
Me: Yes, Mrs Levinson.

Jo leaves the professor to his casual sexism, and she takes it upon herself to secure a live specimen for him to play with, even if it means charming her way through a UNIT cordon.

Sue: Is she flirting with Benton now?
Me: She’s looking for a giant maggot.
Sue: Is that what they’re calling it now?

As Jo blithely stumbles into danger, Professor Jones finds the cure he’s been searching for.

Sue: Jo’s cursed. If only she’d stand still for two minutes, everything would turn out fine.

The Brigadier has ordered an RAF bombing run and Jo is in the firing line.

Me: I love the smell of fried maggots in the morning.

When the Doctor reaches Global Chemicals’ control centre, he’s taunted by the booming voice of BOSS.

Sue: Is it the Master?

No, it’s a sentient computer.

Sue: Oh. That’s a bit disappointing.

Jack’s just had a very big wee. I just wanted to share that with you. With any luck, this will be the last time I’ll ever have to give you an update on the toilet habits of our cats. But don’t bank on it.

EPISODE FIVE

Sue: UNIT really love their helicopters, don’t they?

UNIT’s bombs rain down on Wales.

Sue: Why are they filming these scenes with chroma? Why didn’t they shoot them at the same time as all the others?

For the next 10 minutes or so, Sue watches the episode in silence. She seems to be enjoying herself. And she isn’t the only one.

Sue: Pertwee’s having fun this week. I bet this was one of his favourite stories.

The Doctor escapes in a milk float (“The fastest in the West”) and then it’s back to the Brigadier standing in front of more CSO.

Sue: They must have screwed up on location – it’s the only thing that makes any sense. Either that or the plot wasn’t making any sense and they had to film some extra bits. Either way, it’s a shame. The direction was great up to now.

Benton rescues Jo while the Doctor keeps the maggots at bay with his sonic screwdriver.

Sue: They’re a bit lame if you can jump over them.
Me: Yes, but the maggots aren’t the real threat. Just you wait until they start flying. You won’t be able to jump over them, then.
Sue: Good point.

Yates is brainwashed by BOSS into assassinating the Doctor but the Time Lord breaks his conditioning with the blue crystal he found on Metebelis 3. He also manages to accidentally hypnotise the Brigadier, which Sue finds amusing, if thoroughly pointless.

Sue: Everyone’s having a jolly good time, but that was a filler episode. They just didn’t need it. That was a classic Episode Five.

EPISODE SIX

A maggot consumes some of Nancy’s homemade fungus cake and promptly drops down dead.

Sue: (Singing) “Love is like a butterfly...”
Me: Yes, a giant evil butterfly.
Sue: It looks like a giant prawn, actually.
Me: Now that would be silly.

BOSS threatens to turn Yates into one of his slave elite.

Sue: It’s the first time Yates has been an elite anything.

Meanwhile Benton and the Doctor feed Nancy’s poisonous cooking to the maggots.

Sue: Run them over! It would be more fun. A nice steam-roller would do the trick.

And then the moment I’ve been waiting for arrives: my one and only surviving memory of watching this story at the tender age of three and a half.

Sue: Oh dear. That isn’t great.
Me: The giant fly was perfectly fine when I was three. In fact, I think it traumatised me.

Yates escapes from Global Chemicals through an open window.

Sue: Imagine casting Frank Spencer as James Bond. It’s hard to take Yates seriously as an action hero.

The Doctor and Benton are attacked by the giant fly.

Sue: Oh dear. This isn’t very good. There’s nothing wrong with the idea, but they should have known they wouldn’t be able to execute it. And why don’t they just drive away? Why are they sitting there waiting for it to attack them? Jesus Christ, Benton!

Having said that, she’s impressed when the Doctor brings down the insect with his cape (thanks to some clever editing and a very gruesome sound effect).

Me: If only Jo knew what serendipity meant, we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble.
Sue: Would you have known what serendipity meant, clever clogs?
Me: Of course I would. I read the novelisation. Several times, in fact.

Nancy volunteers to cure the professor while the Doctor deals with the BOSS.

Sue: I bet this isn’t the first time Cher’s extracted something ‘medicinal’ from a mushroom.

As BOSS sings Beethoven’s Fifth, Sue can’t praise John Dearth highly enough.

Sue: It’s a fabulous performance. I like the way the computer has a personality. This must have played into people’s fears about technology at the time. This could have been really boring, but it isn’t.

Just when it looks as if BOSS will become the boss of everything, Stevens has a sudden change of heart.

Sue: It reminds me of the bit where they turn HAL off in 2001.

Stevens sacrifices himself, but not before a single tear rolls down his cheek as he considers what he’s done.

Sue: That was an excellent performance.
Me: Quite brilliant.

After a extremely satisfying explosion, we return to the Nuthutch where Professor Jones proposes to Jo in a manner so cack-handed, it makes my marriage proposal to Sue look like something out of Romeo and Juliet. (If you must know, mine went something like this: “If the world is going to end, Sue, we may as well get married.”)

Sue: I don’t like his attitude. There’s a dark side to Cliff. He’s cocky and impatient. Maybe Jo will knock that out of him. I hope she does. And if it doesn’t work out, it’s not as if she’s stuck on an alien planet or anything. She’ll be fine.

An impromptu party is arranged to celebrate the happy news.

Me: Look at Yates. He’s gutted.
Sue: Yeah. I didn’t know he had the hots for Cliff.

But Yates is positively ecstatic compared to the Doctor.

Sue: This is very sad. It was obvious that she was going to leave in the first episode, but I like the way they set it up. She’s all grown up now. It’s time for her to leave the nest.

My notes become illegible at this point; the ink has been smudged with tiny droplets of water. I can’t imagine how that happened. Anyway, the Doctor decides to leave the party early.

Sue: Come on, Doctor, smile.

But he doesn’t. Not quite.

Sue: Oh dear.

THE SCORE

Sue: That was great. It was an episode too long, and some of the effects were a bit of a joke, but apart from that I enjoyed it. It was very adult in places. I can’t imagine what the programme will be like without Jo, though. How do you follow that?

9/10

COMMENT: “Sue is the Bill Hicks for Nerds.” – Nev Fountain

NOTES: Enough with the fucking cats, already!

SEASON ELEVEN

I CAN’T SAY I’M DISAPPOINTED TO SEE HIM GO

This illustration funded by Joe McIntyre

THE TIME WARRIOR

BLOGGED: 22 February 2012

PART ONE

I can’t wait to show Sue the new title sequence. The diamond logo! The space-time vortex! Jon Pertwee’s legs!

Sue: They’ve changed the titles... And they’ve missed a bit.
Me: What?
Sue: The bottom left-hand corner. They’ve missed a bit. There’s a hole in the titles. I like the new theme music, though.
Me: They haven’t changed the theme music!
Sue: Calm down! Okay, it’s very clever, especially when you consider that they didn’t have any CGI back then. You can also see the influence on the new series’ titles. Oh, The Time Warrior... Is it the...
Me: No!
Sue: Oh look, it’s Robert Holmes. I like Robert Holmes. A nice four-part Robert Holmes. This is a winner already.

The episode begins...

Sue: It’s Game of Thrones but with...
Me: Less incest. Yes, we know.
Sue: I like the historicals. They take me right back.
Me: Very funny.
Sue: No, I mean they take me back to the old William Hartnell stories. I liked the comedy historicals. Is this a comedy?
Me: Wait and see.

Two men named Irongron and Bloodaxe are startled when an illuminated tennis ball hurtles past a medieval castle.

Sue: It’s a mini-Epcot.

She’s referring to the Sontaran ship that’s crash landed outside Irongron’s castle. And then, as Linx exits his spacecraft...

Sue: Oh, it’s the Sontarans! Are you impressed that I know that, Neil?
Me: Not really. You can’t move for Sontarans in the new series.
Sue: They’re the good guys, aren’t they?
Me: No, they are not the good guys!

Meanwhile, in contemporary England, we are introduced to Sarah Jane Smith. Sue takes to her like a duck to water. But of course she does.

Sue: She’s beautiful. And nothing like Jo. She isn’t girly at all. She’s resourceful and ballsy. I just hope she stays like this.

And then she notices that the partitions, which have been erected to house the scientists who have been assembled to work under UNIT’s protection, aren’t what they’re cracked up to be.

Sue: They’re having a laugh! There are no ceilings on those things, but the Doctor believes Sarah Jane can’t hear him because she shut the door. The scientists are basically sleeping in toilet cubicles made from cardboard. That’s shoddy design work, that is.

She’s also noticed that June Brown is playing Lady Eleanor (she keeps expecting her to stick a cigarette in her gob), and I think it’s fair to say she’s really enjoying this episode. In fact, when we reach the cliffhanger, and Linx removes his helmet, she’s completely sold.

Sue: The Sontarans aren’t as scary as this in the new series.

PART TWO

Me: I vividly remember watching this episode. It was Christmas 1973, and I was four years old. What I remember the most about it is I saw it in London, in my grandparents’ house in Stratford. My dad must have been visiting them during the holidays. Anyway, I’m sitting in front of an open coal fire... And that’s about it.
Sue: Fascinating. Do the fans think the Sontarans look like potatoes?
Me: Yes.
Sue: What about giant poos?
Me: Not so much.
Sue: The make-up is amazing. You can see why the Sontarans became so popular. It’s a brilliant design.

While we can both agree on that, we can’t agree on Sarah’s reaction to her predicament. Is she thick or pragmatic? I’m going with thick.

Sue: It makes sense for Sarah Jane to believe that she’s just walked into a Medieval pageant...
Me: Via a police telephone box? That’s bigger on the inside?
Sue: She probably thinks the Doctor has drugged her or something.
Me: Right, so the Doctor date-raped her and then he took her to a Medieval banquet. Yeah, that makes sense.
Sue: All I know for sure is Jo would have screamed her head off.

When Linx strokes Sarah’s thorax, and she barely flinches, I concede that Sue has a point. And then we are introduced to Linx’s robot knight.

Sue: That’s pretty scary. Anything that moves but doesn’t have a face terrifies me.

It’s bloody rubbish when it comes to fighting, though.

Sue: You could just run behind it and push it over. It looks like it’s about to fall over in that skirt.

The knight is repeatedly shot by Hal the Archer, aka Boba Fett (a fact that fails to impress Sue once again – see Volume 1), but even when its head falls off, it won’t give up.

Sue: Ah, so that’s why it has a top-heavy body. It’s so the stuntman can hide in the torso. That makes sense.

The damaged knight is carted away for Linx to fix.

Sue: I hope it’s still under warranty.

Sue can’t believe the Sontaran has not only successfully kidnapped scientists from the future, he’s got them to work for him as well. And who can blame her?

Sue: There’s too much hypnotism in Doctor Who. Every story features a character under the influence of mind control. It’s a bit lazy, don’t you think?

And then the Doctor says the word ‘Gallifrey’ for the very first time.

Me: It’s only taken 10 years, but we finally have a name for the Doctor’s home planet.
Sue: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Sue: No, I mean are you sure they haven’t mentioned it before and we didn’t notice?
Me: (Sternly) Quite sure, Sue.
Sue: This isn’t bad at all. It’s zipping by. I was going to watch an episode of Jersey Shore, but I’m happy to keep going if you are.
Me: Wow. High praise indeed.

PART THREE

Sue: Was Robin Hood on television around this time?
Me: Has there ever been a time when Robin Hood wasn’t on television?

Sarah suspects that the evil wizard who everyone keeps talking about is probably the Doctor.

Sue: I like the way Sarah Jane distrusts the Doctor and doesn’t fall in love with him straight away. It makes sense for her to suspect him, especially given that he’s responsible for dragging her here. It’s clever, and it stops her looking stupid, even when she’s wrong.

Sue loves it when Irongron describes the Doctor as the “long shanked rascal with the mighty nose”.

Sue: I bet Robert Holmes couldn’t write a rubbish insult if he tried.

She likes the castle set, too. Which is a relief because Sue once met the episode’s designer, Keith Cheetham.

Sue: Didn’t I get him to talk to my university students?
Me: Yeah, in the late 1990s. When we took him out for lunch, I couldn’t stop asking him about the Sontaran spaceship.
Sue: What was I doing?
Me: Yawning, mostly.
Sue: He was a very nice man. And the carpentry in this scene is very nice, too. I can even forgive him for the toilet cubicles.

The Doctor lobs stink bombs at the enemy, although one of the explosions is a bit too close for comfort.

Sue: That bloke genuinely shat himself just then.

The Doctor offers to help Linx if he promises to stop interfering with time. But the Sontaran isn’t interested, and he shoots the Time Lord in the head instead.

Sue: I’m sorry if I’m not saying very much. I’m enjoying this too much.

PART FOUR

Sue: I had a leather jacket exactly the same shade of green as Jon Pertwee’s velvet coat. I loved that jacket.

And that's all I get out of Sue until Sarah Jane incites a rebellion in the kitchen.

Me: Are you pleased feminism has finally make an appearance in Doctor Who?
Sue: Of course I am. What kind of stupid question is that?

Rubeish brings the kidnapped scientists out of their hypnotic trances.

Sue: They’re taking this very calmly. Why aren’t they freaking out? Or at least taking notes?

Rubeish knocks Linx unconscious with a smack on his probic vent.

Sue: They should have rear view mirrors on their armour. That way they’d tell if an enemy was coming up behind them or not.

Irongron uses the Time Lord as target practice, but luckily for the Doctor, his men are terrible shots.

Sue: This lot are almost as bad as UNIT!

The Doctor retrieves some metallic strips from his TARDIS.

Sue: It’s a giant feeler gauge.
Me: If you say so, love.

As the Doctor dukes it out with Linx, Sue offers some advice from the sidelines:

Sue: Just stick your finger in his vent!

Linx tries to leg it but Hal shoots him where it counts.

Sue: What a shot!

Linx’s ship explodes with such force, it has to be realised with bad stock footage. Incidentally, when we were skimming through the obligatory documentary on the DVD later (mainly so Sue could see what Keith Cheetham looked like), we accidentally watched this scene again with ‘new and improved’ CGI effects. And it actually looked worse.

Sue: I know students who could do better than that.

Sue wants Hal to join the Doctor and Sarah Jane on their travels, and she feels sorry for the poor sod when he’s left behind.

Sue: That’s a shame. UNIT could do with a good shot.

THE SCORE

Sue: It fell apart at the end. It started well but it ended up as a bit of a farce. Sarah Jane was great, and the Sontaran looked good, but the plot was a bit silly. I think Robert Holmes was bored – or rushed.

7/10

COMMENT: “I’m getting the impression that Sue has graduated from a ‘not-we’ to an ‘almost-we’.” – Jez Noir

INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS

BLOGGED: 27 February 2012

PART ONE

Me: Right, we have two choices. We can watch a recently recolourised version of the first episode which is a bit ropey around the edges, or we can watch a black white copy instead. It’s entirely up to you.
Sue: Wow, I’m spoilt for choice. What do you recommend?
Me: I’d go with the black and white version if I were you. It looks better. Plus it’ll be our very last black and white episode. You, know, for old time’s sake.
Sue: Oh go on then.

Sue is captivated by the opening scenes.

Sue: How on earth did they do this? Did they get up really early one morning? It’s really creepy, like 28 Days Later. I’m hooked already. Didn’t they do this with the Daleks, once? Is it the Daleks?

As the Doctor and Sarah explore a deserted London, the only sound they hear is exceedingly loud birdsong.

Sue: Has Earth been invaded by giant birds? Is this an homage to Hitchcock?

Aside from the endless chirping, I can tell that Sue is enjoying this.

Sue: It’s very atmospheric. We should watch all the episodes in black and white.

The Doctor and Sarah stumble across a dead man in the street. It looks as if something very large has stomped on his head.

Sue: That was horrific! How did they get away with that?

UNIT are struggling to deal with the situation.

Sue: I like the idea of the Doctor turning up late. The TARDIS must be having another off-day.

In a deserted lock-up, the Doctor and Sarah are suddenly attacked by a prehistoric creature.

Sue: What the hell is that supposed to be? Are you sure the planet hasn’t been invaded by birds?
Me: It’s a pterodactyl. In fact, it’s Torchwood’s pterodactyl.
Sue: Is it really?
Me: Yes, it ends up working for Torchwood when this story ends. They call him Terry.
Sue: Really?

I’m trying to distract her. I really am. But as Terry attacks the Doctor, Sue isn’t buying it for a second.

Sue: Has the planet been invaded by Rod Hull?

Sarah and the Doctor are arrested for looting.

Sue: The Doctor really likes Sarah. He’s taken to her quicker than Jo. He treated Jo like shit for months.

Meanwhile the army are up to their necks in dinosaurs.

Sue: Right, so dinosaurs have invaded London?
Me: In a nutshell, yes.
Sue: So, it’s a 1970s version of Primeval?
Me: Yes. And that means 1970s special effects, I’m afraid.
Sue: It looks pretty bad. I bet it looked even worse in colour.

As the dinosaur (I hesitate to call it a T-Rex because it doesn’t look like any T-Rex I’ve ever seen) shambles down the street, Sue sighs.

Sue: So do you have any childhood memories you’d like to share?
Me: I’m not really sure. I usually get this story and the Chewits advert mixed-up in my head. However, I can say, with some degree of certainty, that this episode was playing on UK Gold when I moved in with you on Monday 5th July 1993.
Sue: What did I think of it?
Me: Oh, you’d gone to bed by then. It went out pretty late.
Sue: Okay, let me get this straight: we didn’t go to bed together on the night you moved in with me because Doctor Who was on? Is that what you’re saying?
Me: You fell asleep on the couch. Nicol must have worn you out. You never stayed up later than 11pm when I first met you.

The Doctor and Sarah are being transported to a prison when they’re intercepted by a dinosaur.

Sue: What were they thinking? How did they ever think they could pull this off? It’s a shame. The set-up was great, but this is terrible.

PART TWO

Me: Did you notice they removed any reference to dinosaurs from the title of the first episode?
Sue: I have other things to worry about, love.
Me: Right. Well, it was called Invasion. They removed ...of the Dinosaurs to keep the audience guessing.
Sue: That was a good idea.
Me: Well, it would have been if the Radio Times hadn’t ruined the surprise. But worse than that, the writer, Malcolm Hulke, went mental. He fell out with Terrance Dicks and he never wrote for the series again.
Sue: He was that annoyed?
Me: Yes. And you shouldn’t make Malcolm Hulke angry, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Meanwhile in Invasion of the Dinosaurs...

Sue: I was right, it does look worse in colour. And what is that soldier firing at? It looks like he’s shooting at a tree.

As the soldiers calmly amble back to their jeep, as if shooting dinosaurs in the head is part of their regular job, Sue is fascinated by an object they pass in the street.

Sue: You don’t see dustcarts like that any more.
Me: It was probably picking up white dog poo.

Sarah wants to know what she’s just encountered.

Sue: She’s a journalist, she should know what a T-Rex looks like.
Me: Yes. If it looked like a T-Rex.

And then a medieval peasant turns up.

Sue: Is Bill Oddie late for The Time Warrior?

Back at UNIT’s makeshift HQ (it takes Sue a while to realise they’ve taken over a school, and UNIT’s personnel aren’t hanging their kid’s paintings on the walls), the Doctor declares that he needs to capture a live dinosaur, because a dead one is no good to him.

Sue: What’s he going to do? Interrogate it?

The intended victim is a Stegosaurus, who’s minding its own business outside a branch of Woolworths.

Sue: It doesn’t look that bad. The dinosaurs are okay in very small doses.

When Martin Jarvis is introduced as Butler, Sue points excitedly at the screen.

Sue: I definitely recognise that actor. What have I seen him in before?
Me: The Web Planet.

Funnily enough, Sue can’t place him. And then the episode concludes with Sarah threatening to flirt with Yates, until something even worse happens.

Sue: Oh no! Yates has turned to the Dark Side!

PART THREE

Sue can’t stop tutting at the dinosaur, although she is impressed when it eventually faints and falls over.

Sue: It looks quite good when it doesn’t have to move.

The Doctor pieces the puzzle together.

Sue: This is just like Fringe.
Me: I know, the CSO is pretty bad, but we’ve used that joke before.
Sue: No, I mean it really is like Fringe. Missing scientists dabbling in time travel and strange goings on. You could imagine Walter Bishop being responsible for this.

As Yates struggles with his conscience, Sue appreciates the twist.

Sue: It’s brave of them to turn Yates into a bad guy. I didn’t think Doctor Who did things like that.
Me: Would it have been better if Benton had been the turncoat?
Sue: I know what you mean, but no. I wouldn’t want Benton to be bad. Benton’s incapable of being bad. I love Benton.

When Sir Charles Grover, the ecologist MP responsible for overseeing the emergency, turns up for a progress report, Sue is immediately suspicious.

Sue: I smell a rat. There’s definitely a hint of government corruption in this.

And she doesn’t trust General Finch either.

Sue: He’s in on it. He looks evil and I trust him as far as I could throw him. Does he take his mask off in a minute? Is it...?
Me: No.

The Doctor commandeers a jeep.

Sue: Where’s Bessie this week? Was she in for a service?

Sarah investigates the rumour that a nuclear generator has been hidden in the city.

Sue: I like how Sarah Jane is a journalist. It’s a good occupation for a companion to have. She can be inquisitive and proactive without it looking like she’s aimlessly wandering into trouble all the time. She’s great.

Sarah shares her suspicions with Grover and he offers to check the government’s files for her.

Sue: He’s definitely in on it. No one in government is that helpful.

She’s right, of course.

Sue: You can’t trust anybody in this story.

When Sarah is assaulted by some flashing blue lights, Sue slumps into her chair in sympathy.

Sue: Not hypnotism again! It’s getting beyond a joke now.

Sarah discovers she’s been asleep on a spaceship for the last three months.

Sue: Well, I didn’t see that coming. That was great. I’m definitely hooked now. This plot is quite heavy.

PART FOUR

Sue: So has Mike Yates been hypnotised as well?
Me: No, he really is a traitor. This was his own decision.
Sue: That’s a bit grim.

The Doctor unveils his new mode of transportation.

Sue: What the hell is that?
Me: That’s the Whomobile.
Sue: Stop taking the piss.
Me: I’m serious.
Sue: For fuck’s sake.

I tell her that Jon Pertwee designed the futuristic car and presented it to Barry Letts as a fait accompli.

Sue: It’s mental! How can you drive around in that and expect to blend in? It’s “Look at me! Look at me! I’m the Doctor! I’m mad, me!” I like the leather work on the seats, though, and I’m surprised you haven’t got a toy version of the Whomobile yet.
Me: They never made any.
Sue: What? They would make perfect toys. Why didn’t they merchandise it?
Me: I have no idea.
Sue: Maybe we should buy the rights and sell the toys ourselves. Who owns the design?
Me: I have no idea. Sean Pertwee could have inherited it for all I know.
Sue: We should look into it. We could make full-scale road-worthy replicas! We could retire on Whomobile profits!
Me: I doubt it. We can’t even get people to buy a bloody mug.

Sarah is introduced to the Elders.

Sue: She’s famous. Is it Googie Withers?

Sue isn’t fooled by the Elders’ story.

Sue: The cut on Sarah Jane’s head hasn’t healed. She can’t have been there for months.

The Doctor investigates the secret underground base (“It’s basically Edge of Darkness with dinosaurs”), and when a door shuts, the rest of the set wobbles in sympathy.

Sue: This place wouldn’t stand up to a strong gust of wind, let alone a nuclear explosion. I like Dudley’s music in this story, though. He’s settled down a lot. Some of his early stuff was mad, but this is quite tense.

Whittaker kidnaps another pterodactyl so he can unleash it on the Doctor.

Sue: This is cruel. Just imagine the shock the dinosaurs must have felt when they were suddenly transported from a jungle to the middle of Oxford Circus. No wonder they’re angry.

As the Doctor defends himself against a thoroughly pissed-off pterodactyl, Nicol breezes through the living room.

Nicol: He needs a fez to go with that mop.

As the bad guys finalise the last stages of their utterly bonkers plan, Sue struggles to piece it all together.

Sue: Are they aliens who are pretending to be human? I don’t get it. What are they trying to achieve? Are they the good guys? How does the spaceship fit into this? What the hell is going on?

Whittaker ambushes the Doctor with a stegosaurus.

Sue: Why have they sent a veggie to kill him? That’s a bit daft.

PART FIVE

As Mark convinces Sarah she’s about to settle down with him, Sue has other things on her mind.

Sue: Denim was very popular in 1974. I think all the men looked like this back then.

The villains’ plans are made a little clearer (but no less insane).

Sue: It’s as if some Scientologists have joined forces with Greenpeace.

When Benton disobeys General Finch’s orders, Sue nods in approval.

Sue: Good old Benton. You can always rely on Benton. I bloody love Benton.

The Doctor disables the UNIT regular, to make it look like a genuine escape attempt and the sergeant falls head-first to the floor.

Sue: He could have helped him down a bit! He’s probably broken his nose!

Sarah reveals the truth about the spaceship to Mark.

Sue: It’s just like that show Channel 4 did a few years back, when they tried to convince some gullible fools they were on a space shuttle. It’s exactly the same idea. I bet the producer was a Doctor Who fan.
Me: It is hard to believe anyone would go along with this plan and actually believe it.
Sue: Well, they went to all the meetings, so they want to believe it.

As Jon Pertwee races around a forest in a jeep (“He didn’t want to get the Whomobile dirty”), Sue admires his driving skills.

Sue: Jon Pertwee would have been brilliant on Top Gear. He would have kicked Jamiroquai’s arse.
Me: It’s funny you should say that: Matt Smith was the ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’ tonight.
Sue: How did he do?
Me: I don’t know, it was on Top Gear.

As the Doctor eludes some soldiers in a forest, Sue sighs.

Sue: This is classic Episode Five padding, isn’t it? We’re treading water at this point.

Private Bryson tells Sarah the Doctor is a wanted fugitive.

Sue: Who’s this guy? Do they drag him in when Benton and Yates call in sick? He looks like Simon Pegg’s dad.

The episode concludes with the Doctor running into a T-Rex.

Sue: (Bored) Oh no, not him again.

PART SIX

We break the golden rule which stops us from watching more than two episodes a night because Sue can’t wait to see how this pans out, and who am I to deny her? Sadly, any enthusiasm she may have built up for this story rapidly disappears when a T-Rex and a Brontosaurus end up having a fight. Well, I say fight...

Sue: Aww, they’re snuggling each other. That’s cute.

As the dinosaurs become more and more intimate, Sue’s patience with the special effects finally runs out.

Sue: Not only did they just break the 180-degree rule there, the colour of the dinosaurs changed between shots, as well. This is not good, Neil.

Sue thinks Operation Golden Age is a little bit extreme.

Sue: Are all the survivors on this fake spaceship British?
Me: I think so.
Sue: So the bad guys are genocidal racists who want to live with dinosaurs? That’s odd, even for this show.

As our heroes consider the best way to thwart these lunatics, Yates turns to the dark side.

Sue: It’s like Bodie pulling a gun on Doyle. It’s just wrong.

Benton comes to the rescue, which results in one of the campest fight scenes ever to grace British television.

Sue: Yates should have died sacrificing himself – that way he could have redeemed himself. That was lame.

Sue keeps repeating the same refrain:

Sue: The plot is great, but every so often a dinosaur turns up to ruin it. Why don’t they go back and re-do this story with new special effects? It would be worth it, you know.

As the villains politely rationalise their insane plan, Sue wonders how they ended up here in the first place.

Sue: How did they come up with this mad scheme? Can you imagine the first meeting where somebody first said, “I know, let’s bring some dinosaurs back from the past so we can wipe everything out and start again”? I’d love to see the minutes for that meeting.

The Doctor blows up a triceratops, and Sue shakes her head.

Sue: Poor thing. It’s not his fault. He was quite happy chewing on some grass in a valley somewhere, and the next thing you know, he’s got his arse stuck in Moorgate Station. Bless him.

Benton punches General Finch’s lights out, and then the Doctor sneaks into the secret bunker, taking Butler down in the process.

Sue: That was a textbook example of how to put someone down with a finger on the chest. So why doesn’t he do that all the time?

The Doctor reaches the control room just in time to avert disaster.

Sue: He’s reversed the reversal.

As Whittaker reverses the reversal of the Doctor’s reversal, Grover tries to stop him and they both vanish.

Sue: Eh? What happened there?

But before Sue can get to grips with the story’s conclusion, it’s back to UNIT HQ for some cheerful banter.

Sue: The Doctor has a crush on Sarah Jane. Look at him charming her into that box of his. She should stay at home and bring down the government with her scoop of the century. Bloody government.

THE SCORE

Sue: I loved the plot. The dinosaurs were unnecessary, and it was two episodes too long, but it was quite edgy. I liked the idea more than I did the execution, but there were some great performances and it kept me guessing to the very end. Yeah, it wasn’t bad at all.

8/10

COMMENT: “I’m glad I’m not the only one who has fond memories of Barrow-in-Furness bus station when I watch this story.” – Fuschia Begonia

NOTES: Sue’s love for Sergeant Benton knew no bounds in early 2012. We’ll see how that pans out in a future volume...

DEATH TO THE DALEKS

BLOGGED: 1 March 2012

PART ONE

Me: I’d like you to close your eyes during the title sequence...
Sue: Is it called Something of the Daleks?
Me: Fuck it. Yes, the Daleks are in the fucking title. There, you’ve ruined the surprise.
Sue: What surprise? It’s the bloody title, Neil!
Me: I thought it’d be more interesting if you didn’t know the Daleks were in it. Oh, sod it. It’s called Death to the Daleks. Happy now?
Sue: Ecstatic.

The episode begins...

Sue: So that’s why you wanted me to close my eyes. Terry fucking Nation!

After an interesting opening scene, which features somebody dying from an arrow to the stomach, drowning and acute boredom – all at the same time – we join the Doctor and Sarah as they prepare for a much-needed holiday to Florana.

Sue: Is Sarah Jane going to wear that swimsuit for the whole story? It’s definitely one for the dads, this.

The TARDIS suffers a massive power failure.

Sue: It’s the 1970s. Everyone had to put up with power cuts in 1970s. It’s very topical, this.

The Doctor and Sarah are plunged into darkness. Sort of.

Sue: There shouldn’t be any light in this scene at all, but if they did that, they’d spend the entire episode bumping into each other, so I forgive them.

After manually cranking open the TARDIS doors, Sarah decides to change into something more comfortable, but not before she makes the Doctor promise that he won’t leave her.

And then, as soon as Sarah’s back is turned, he leaves her.

Sue: What an absolute cunt!

Oh dear.

Sue: He’s evil! It’s Jo’s sandwich all over again! Why is he doing this?

The Doctor walks further and further away from the TARDIS.

Sue: I never liked Jon Pertwee.

When Sarah eventually leaves the TARDIS, she’s dressed much more conservatively.

Sue: She’s gone from beautiful beach babe to Miss Jean Brodie. I bet all the dads switched off at this point.

Of course the Doctor is nowhere to be seen.

Sue: Fuck him! Go back inside the TARDIS, crank the door shut and leave him to it. I can’t get over the fact he lied to her like that. Seriously, why did he do that, Neil?

Sarah has been abandoned in a landscape of smoke and fog that looks genuinely dangerous and alien. She eventually decides to return to the TARDIS, but an Exxilon follows her. It gains entry to the ship and promptly assaults her.

Sue: This is very disturbing, all of a sudden. It’s turned into a stalk-and-slash film. These POV shots are very graphic. It’s very adult. Too adult, probably.

The Exxilons keep their large bulbous eyes trained on The Doctor as he traverses a narrow ravine.

Sue: Are they like the Sand Men in Star Wars? This looks very much like Star Wars, actually. Those funny little creatures with the glowing eyes will probably jump out and kidnap him.
Me: Utini!

A hidden tripwire causes a large boulder to come crashing down.

Sue: It’s turned into 127 Hours now.
Me: No, it just feels like 127 hours.
Sue: The direction is great, though. It’s different to what we usually get. It’s very creative.

The Doctor encounters a Marine Space Corps expedition who are searching for a rare mineral called parrinium.

Sue: It’s Avatar. Again. Doctor Who should probably sue James Cameron, you know.

They need the parrinium to cure a space plague that’s ravaging the outer worlds.

Sue: Terry loves a good space disease, doesn’t he?

Just as any hope of rescue looks increasingly unlikely, a spaceship enters the planet’s atmosphere.

Sue: Oh dear, this isn’t good. Two characters are looking in completely opposite directions at the same thing. Oh, and now another actor (Julian Fox) is looking directly at the camera. I think he’s expecting – or hoping – the director will say, “Cut”.

The Space Marines rush off to meet the approaching ship.

Me: Do you have any idea who might be on that spaceship, Sue?
Sue: Is it the Master? I’m joking!

When Sarah investigates a high-tech city, she’s apprehended by some Exxilons.

Sue: Are they in a leper colony?

Sarah is sentenced to death for daring to enter the Exxilons’ holy city.

Sue: They should have had better signage. How was she supposed to know it was forbidden?

Meanwhile the spaceship has landed and – surprise, surprise – some Daleks come trundling out of it.

Sue: The Doctor actually looks a bit scared here.

The Daleks’ arrival is accompanied by some of the most inappropriate theme music ever devised for a television show.

Sue: It’s fucking awful! This cannot be Dudley Simpson!
Me: You’re right, it’s Carey Blyton.
Sue: Are you impressed that I knew it wasn’t Dudley?
Me: No. I am a little scared, though.
Sue: At least somebody is. That cliffhanger was pants.

PART TWO

The Daleks are completely harmless.

Sue: Now it’s the Daleks’ turn to be scared. That’s clever. However, I’d like to know where the power is coming from to make their little lights flash on and off when they talk.

The Doctor tells the Daleks, “We are all in this together”.

Sue: I told you he was a Tory.

Four Daleks convene to discuss the Doctor’s suggestion they form an alliance. Three of the Daleks become incredibly animated during this discussion, but as for the fourth...

Sue: Did one of the Dalek operators call in sick? And what the fuck is this music supposed to be? Are these Daleks supposed to be French?

The Exxilons beat the living shit out of a Dalek, before setting fire to it and dancing around its remains.

Sue: The lack of music during this scene makes it look like a snuff film or a video nasty. This is very disturbing.

An Exxilon shows up who can actually shoot straight, and he kills John Abineri. Which is a shame because Sue never got a chance to warm to him like she usually does.

Sue: The guy playing Peter just looked straight down the camera again!

She’s right. And once you become aware of this, you can’t stop noticing that Julian Fox is constantly checking that the camera is still rolling. It would make for one hell of a drinking game.

Sue: This is the strangest episode of Doctor Who I’ve seen so far. It’s completely mental. I’ve never seen anything like it.

But she hasn’t seen anything yet, because now the Daleks are using a tiny model TARDIS for target practice.

Sue: Hang on a minute. Where did they get the little police box from? Have they been round our house when I wasn’t looking?

The Daleks arm themselves with machine guns and take great pleasure in massacring the Exxilons.

Sue: It’s turned into a zombie film. The faces on these aliens are very disturbing. You must remember seeing this one when you were a boy, Neil.
Me: Actually, I don’t. I have no memories of this story at all. Although I do vividly remember a clip turning up on an edition of Ask Aspel. Please don’t ask me why I remember that, I just do.

Deep in some underground caverns, the Doctor comes face-to-face with a metallic snake.

Sue: It’s a torch strapped to a hoover attachment. Another ridiculous cliffhanger to add to the collection.

PART THREE

Sue: I take it all back. It’s a torch strapped to a hoover attachment crossed with that flower from the Pink Floyd film.
Me: It looks like Gypsy from Mystery Science Theater 3000, if you ask me.

Thankfully, Sue is much more forgiving of Bellal.

Sue: The make-up in this story is pretty good. They’re a believable alien race. I like the little guy. He’s basically a nice Gollum.

The Daleks keep their side of the bargain by helping the humans mine the parrinium with their technological prowess. They do this by using the Exxilons as slave labour, which doesn’t sound very technologically advanced to us. It also makes the Doctor’s proposed alliance with them even more baffling.

Sue: How do they expect to mine enough stuff to saves millions of lives with a workforce of six?

A snake-like creature emerges from the lake to attack the Exxilons.

Sue: That was amazing!
Me: What? Really?
Sue: Yes, Peter didn’t look at the camera once!

The Doctor strokes Sarah’s face as he orders her back to the parrinium mine.

Sue: This is a bit full-on, isn’t it? He’s known her for, what? A week? He’s overstepping the mark, if you ask me.

As the Doctor and Bellal enter the city, I’m rocked by a wave of nostalgia.

Me: This is the bit they showed on Ask Aspel. I just thought you should know.

The Doctor is confronted by a simple maze on a wall.

Sue: It’s basically an episode of The Cube. Phillip Schofield is on the other side of that door.

The Doctor traces his finger through the maze with ease.

Sue: That didn’t look very difficult to me. Why did the other contestants die? How many goes did they need before they all died of starvation? They must have been really thick.

And then the episode concludes with...

Sue: The worst cliffhanger EVER!
Me: I thought you’d like some nice tiling.
Sue: Not for the fucking cliffhanger! Jesus!

PART FOUR

Sue: Is Bellal the new companion? He’d be great. The Doctor should have a companion who doesn’t look human. It would help him look a little less xenophobic.

The Doctor navigates the Tile of Doom with his sonic screwdriver.

Sue: The Doctor’s cheating. He isn’t demonstrating his intelligence at all. He just owns some clever technology. Any idiot can use a screwdriver. Well, except you, maybe.

The Daleks are right behind them.

Sue: I want to see the Daleks navigate that maze on the wall with their plungers. I demand to see that scene!

Bellal crosses the floor, as the Doctor implores him to avoid the red bits.

Sue: He’s touching a red bit already! Look!

As the Doctor and Bellal make their way through the city, Sue can sense a pattern emerging. And no, that isn’t the next riddle, by the way.

Sue: Is this episode supposed to be one big quiz show?
Me: You haven’t said anything about Jill yet.
Sue: What is there to say? She’s pretty, but that’s about it. What has she done, exactly? The characters are very two-dimensional. I don’t care about any of them.

Bellal is forced to threaten the Doctor against his will, which is when a cushion suddenly hits me in the face.

Me: Ouch! What was that for?
Sue: Hypnotism. You’ll get a cushion in the face every time somebody is hypnotised in this show from now on.
Me: Oh crap...

The Doctor thinks the final test will be an assault on their sanity.

Sue: How did he jump to that incredibly specific conclusion?

Right on cue, the Doctor is menaced by some coloured lights.

Sue: This is more like a test of someone’s patience than an assault on their sanity. And you definitely wouldn’t get away with this today. Epileptics would have a fit.

As the Doctor recovers from this terrifying ordeal, his hair looks especially defeated.

Sue: This is the least bouffanty I’ve ever seen this Doctor. It suits him.

When the Doctor and Bellal reach the city’s control room, Sue can appreciate the scale of their achievement.

Sue: It’s a bit like trying to find the exit in Ikea.

The Doctor looks for a way to switch off the city’s brain.

Sue: I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Doctor will reverse the polarity of something or other.

The city deals with the threat by growing some antibodies.

Sue: Are those Cybermen I can see in the background?
Me: I wish!

When a Dalek discovers that Jill has escaped, it self-destructs out of shame.

Sue: What the hell? Do the Daleks always do that when they fuck up? The galaxy must be littered with Daleks that fucked up.

The Daleks follow the Doctor to the control room, but the antibodies intercept them. “Evacuate! Evacuate!” scream the Daleks, as the antibodies beat the shit out of them.

Me: They’re evacuating their bowels by the sound of it.

Julian Fox stares at us one more time, for luck.

As the Daleks’ ship takes off, the Doctor ushers everyone away from the exhaust blast.

Sue: What exhaust blast? It didn’t even ripple his hair!

But all is not lost. Galloway, who Sue liked the most on account of him having something roughly approximating a personality, elects to become a suicide bomber. It’s a moving moment and Sue is on the edge of her seat when the Dalek’s ship explodes.

Sue: Whatever you do, Peter, DON’T LOOK AT THE CAMERA!

The special effects department pour acetone all over their model city.

Sue: They shouldn’t have done that. It makes it obvious the city was made from polystyrene. They should have blown the bastard up instead.

THE SCORE

Sue: It started well. The direction was especially good in the first couple of episodes; some of the shots were really innovative, and I thought I was in for a good one. But the plot was horrendous. And the music killed it for me. What were they thinking? It was short, though. Short and silly.

5/10

COMMENT: “Is this the most swearing so far?” – Josiah Rowe

THE MONSTER OF PELADON

BLOGGED: 5 March 2012

PART ONE

Sue: Peladon... Peladon. The name rings a bell...

I sigh. For lots of different reasons.

Sue: Oh yeah, Peladon. I remember now. So what have we come back here for? Peladon is a shit hole.

Things immediately get off to a ropey start.

Sue: It’s Mad Max with badgers.

Peladon’s miners are terrified of the almighty Aggedor.

Sue: Oh yes, Aggedor. It’s all coming back to me now. It was a giant boar, wasn’t it?

Sometimes this blog writes itself.

Sue: I wasn’t impressed the first time we visited Peladon, so why have we come back? I hope there’s a good reason for it.

In the citadel’s throne room, Sue only has eyes for one character. And no, it isn’t the queen you’re thinking of.

Sue: How S&M is this guy? How did they get away with that? Wow.

The TARDIS arrives on Peladon, off-course and about 50 years too late.

Sue: I thought the Doctor’s TARDIS was supposed to work these days? Make your bloody mind up. Does it work or doesn’t it?

As Peladon’s miners lament their terrible working conditions, Sue is much more interested in their uniforms.

Sue: You know, this is just like Game of Thrones but...
Me: But with less incest. You really have to stop using that joke.
Sue: No! With more incest! That’s why they all have the same hairstyle. They must be inbred. Unless Peladon has a branch of hairdressers that specialises in Badger Set and Blow Drys?
Me: It looks like someone’s thrown a bottle of Tipp-Ex over Kevin Keegan.
Sue: At least it keeps their ears warm in the winter, so it’s not all bad news. And they can form a Mungo Jerry tribute band when they lose their jobs.

The miners’ hair will become an endless source of fascination for Sue, which is more than you can say for the plot. But the thing that really annoys her is the constant switching between film and video.

Sue: It’s very jarring. Why can’t they just chose a style and stick to it? It’s especially noticeable when they switch from film to video in the same scene. Why did they do that? And what the hell is actually going, on by the way? I’m lost already.

Sue can’t concentrate on politics when men are parading around in skirts that short.

Sue: Is this about the miners’ strikes in the 1970s? Is the queen supposed to represent Margaret Thatcher?
Me: Thatcher doesn’t come to power for years yet.
Sue: Maybe Thatcher is the strange woman in the purple dress who stands at the back doing nothing.
Me: It’s either that or a subtle crossover with Sapphire and Steel.
Sue: So is the queen supposed to be Ted Heath? She’s prettier than Ted Heath.
Me: She is a little easier on the eye, yes. Although that streak of grey hair is very Ted Heath.

A terrible war is raging between the Federation and Galaxy 5.

Sue: Who are Galaxy 5 when they’re at home? Why does that ring a bell? Should I know what that means?
Me: You’re thinking of Galaxy 4. Galaxy 5 are from the galaxy next door.
Sue: They sound like a boy band. Or a local radio station.

A mining expert named Eckersley also rings a bell.

Sue: He’s definitely been in Doctor Who before.
Me: I’m impressed. It’s Donald Gee from The Space Pirates.
Sue: The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Jasper Carrott, and I remember somebody looking like Jasper Carrott before. So it had to be him.

Peladon’s miners are a miserable lot, it has to be said.

Sue: Maybe their hair is extra-bouncy so the rocks don’t hurt them when they fall on their heads? Perhaps it’s an evolutionary thing?

Sarah is introduced to Alpha Centauri, and almost has a heart attack in the process.

Sue: (As Alpha Centauri) Yeah, it’s not my fault I look like a giant dick. Do you know how many times I’ve had to go through the “I’m sorry I look like a giant dick” conversation? It’s depressing.

And then, a little later…

Sue: If Steven Moffat brought back Alpha Centauri in the new series, do you think the BBC would tell him off?

The Doctor is haunted by Aggedor.

Sue: Crash-zooming like that doesn’t make it better, you know.
Me: I vividly remember seeing this cliffhanger when I was four years old. It terrified me. In fact, I wouldn’t visit my great-aunt when my mother told me she had a new Labrador. I thought she said Aggedor. I remember being horrified that a member of my own family would have access to a monster from Doctor Who. I was an easily confused child.
Sue: You’re an easily confused adult, Neil.

PART TWO

Sue: The giant dick is reflecting a lot of light. It’s too shiny. Did they polish its helmet before they started filming?

An electronic voice excitedly exclaims there’s been an unauthorised explosion in the mine.

Sue: Have they got a Dalek working the switchboard?

The Doctor returned to Peladon because he has a special interest in the planet.

Sue: Since when? What is there to be interested in? It’s a boring shithole! Does the Doctor pop back to all the planets he’s saved to check up on them? And if he does, how does he ever get there?

As Sarah investigates Peladon’s refinery, something mysterious lurks behind a window.

Sue: Am I supposed to know what that is?
Me: You could make an educated guess.
Sue: Is it the Daleks? Is that why we heard one earlier?
Me: No.
Sue: Is it...
Me: Don’t even joke about it.
Sue: ...the Yeti?

The studio lighting still annoys Sue.

Sue: It’s too brightly lit for that giant penis. They should have stuck that penis in the mine so you couldn’t see it properly.

When a miner named Ettis attacks Alpha Centauri with a sword, Sue is appalled.

Sue: He’s going to castrate him!

The Doctor and Sarah are arrested for blasphemy, although the religious gobbledygook flies over Sue’s head because she’s too busy checking out Aggedor’s statue.

Sue: Aggedor could do with losing a little weight. Have you seen the size of his sagging belly? He’s almost as fat as our cats.

The Doctor and Sarah are thrown into a deep, dark pit for their crime.

Sue: That won’t be very good for Jon Pertwee’s knees.

The Doctor and Sarah can hear a large animal approaching in the darkness...

Sue: We’ve seen this cliffhanger before. It’s exactly the same cliffhanger as the first story! Why do they feel the need to repeat themselves? Why don’t they write something new? Why?

This seems like as good a time as any to introduce Sue to Doctor Who’s production codes, and how this story sports the most appropriate code of all: YYY.

Sue: Hang on a minute, how bad is the next story going to be?

PART THREE

As Aggedor charges towards the Doctor, Sue has a suggestion.

Sue: Hypnotise him!
Me: Don’t you start!
Sue: It’s what he did the last time he was in this situation. You have to sing Christmas carols to it.

And that’s exactly what the Doctor does.

Sue: We’ve seen this before. It’s boring!

Eckersley convinces Alpha Centauri to send for Federation reinforcements.

Sue: I don’t trust Eckersley. He’s a shit stirrer.

Sarah gives Queen Thalira a quick lesson in Women’s Lib (Sue loves it when she tells her “There’s nothing ‘only’ about being a girl”), and as the mystery surrounding the inhabitant of the locked refinery mounts, Sue decides to take part in the investigation.

Sue: Should I know who it is?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Is it an Ice Warrior?
Me: What? Sorry, I mean yes! Wow. You actually got there in the end.
Sue: Once I thought about it, and stopped being flippant, it was pretty obvious, really.

And then Sue hits the proverbial nail on the head.

Sue: There’s too much talking in this story. Is it just me or is it really boring? I’m running out of things to say about it.
Me: No, it isn’t just you. In fact, I think it was John Williams who once said that the only extra feature this story needs is a wrap of speed.

As Gebek maintains order, Sue is drawn to his northernness.

Sue: He’s like Arthur Scargill. But with better hair. I’m surprised he doesn’t call Eckersley, Eckerslike.

When the Federation’s reinforcements radio in, they sound suspiciously like the Ice Warriors.

Sue: It’s definitely the Ice Warriors.

And then the episode concludes with – yes, you guessed it – an Ice Warrior!

Sue: Told you.

PART FOUR

The Ice Warriors declare martial law.

Sue: Martian law?
Me: Close enough.
Sue: Did they make this story again because all the sets and costumes were sitting in storage? That’s the real reason, isn’t it? I mean, who was crying out for a sequel to the other one set on Peladon? It doesn’t make any sense.

The Ice Lord Azaxyr concisely summarises the plot so far.

Sue: That was helpful. Thanks. He should turn up at the beginning of every episode to explain the bits I’ve missed. And how come he can talk reasonably okay, while all the other Ice Warriors sound asthmatic? That doesn’t seem fair.

The Doctor asks Sarah if the Ice Warrior silhouette she saw through the refinery’s window matches that of Sskel, the Ice Warrior who’s guarding them.

Sue: How can she tell? They all look the same to me.
Me: Racist.

She decides to change the subject.

Sue: I had a jacket like Sarah Jane’s when I was 12.
Me: You dressed like Sarah Jane?
Sue: What can I say? We were both very trendy. I’m not convinced by her Christmas jumper, though. I wouldn’t have been seen dead in a jumper like that.

As Ettis riles the miners, Sue spots a familiar face.

Sue: It’s Burt the miner! From the one with the giant maggots. Is he the go-to guy when the BBC need a pretend-miner?

The Doctor persuades the miners to return to work.

Sue: THE END!

Sadly, we’re only halfway through this story, which is a truly harrowing thought, actually.

Sue: I like the way the Doctor is wearing green in this story. It’s almost as if he knew the Ice Warriors were going to show up and he didn’t want to clash with them.

The Doctor turns up the heat, which results in the Ice Warriors feeling groggier and groggier.

Sue: I know exactly how they feel.

The Doctor rushes off to stop Ettis, who is currently pointing a sonic lance at the citadel. But before he goes, Gebek hands him a sword.

Sue: Why did the Doctor accept that weapon? That wasn’t a very Doctorish thing to do. Then again, he does like a good swashbuckle.

And that’s exactly what he gets, because Ettis – who literally is as mad as a badger – wants to kill everyone.

Sue: (Pointing at Terry Walsh) Who the hell is that? Did Jon Pertwee regenerate in the middle of a fight scene?

After head-butting the Doctor in the balls, Ettis activates the sonic lance. But Azaxyr has booby-trapped it and the machine blows up in the mad miner’s face.

Sue: Do you think Jon Pertwee was far enough away from that explosion?
Me: Yeah, I bet he was in the BBC canteen by that point.

PART FIVE

Sue: I knew Eckerslike was in on it. Pfft.

PART SIX

After a slow, and frankly tedious, Part Five (although Sue did enjoy the cliffhanger), we rouse ourselves for one last trip to Peladon.

Sue: Eckerslike’s hands are always in his pockets. Never a trust a man who doesn’t take his hands out of his pockets.

The Doctor uncovers Eckersley’s weaponised Aggedor statue, which he then teleports to some miners in order to gain their trust.

Sue: Wouldn’t it be funny if the Doctor’s elbow accidentally landed on the big red button and he killed them all?

It would, if only the Doctor didn’t spend several minutes murdering Ice Warriors.

Sue: This Doctor doesn’t give a hoot for the sanctity of life. He’d kill anything given the chance.

Eckersley ends the Doctor’s killing spree with a sonic security system that reminds Sue of a mobile disco.

Sue: It looks like the Doctor’s going to regenerate. Actually, when does this Doctor regenerate? It can’t be long now.

I glance at my watch.

Me: In just under three minutes.
Sue: What? He regenerates in this episode? Why didn’t you say so?
Me: I wanted it to be a surprise.
Sue: Oh, I’m excited now. It’s not a great story to go out on, though. Regenerating in front of a giant cock can’t be good.

Sarah rushes off to tend to the Doctor’s corpse.

Sue: So was Eckerslike a last-minute replacement for the Master? Was it supposed to be his arch-enemy who killed him, but they had to change it? That would make a lot of sense.
Me: That’s right. Eckersley is the Doctor’s arch-nemesis from this point.

Sue is bludgeoned into submission by the scene’s emotional heft.

Sue: He died for some stupid badgers. This is quite sad, actually.

The Doctor sits bolt upright in his chair (the cushion in the face was worth it), and then Queen Thalira is harassed by some Ice Warriors.

Sue: She never varies her performance. She looks nice, but that’s about it.

Eckersley kidnaps Queen Thalira and the Doctor sends the real Aggedor after him. The poor thing is promptly shot in the head, but not before it mauls the mad mineralogist to death.

Queen Thalira thanks the Doctor for his actions. “We are forever in your debt,” she tells him.

Sue: You’ve saved them a small fortune in vet bills.

The episode concludes with the Doctor scolding Sarah as he drags her into the TARDIS by her ear. Sarah giggles like a naughty schoolgirl.

Sue: What a fantastic role model for feminism. Good grief.

THE SCORE

2/10

Sue: That was tedious. I mean, what was the point? We’ve seen it all before. And it was shorter last time, as well! I despair.

COMMENT: “I’m afraid I can see precious little similarity between Her Majesty Queen Thalira and the late Mr Edward Heath. The notion that he might have sat on a fun fur surrounded by hulking, muscular fellows in leather is frankly absurd.” – Auntie Celia

NOTES: I did consider offering an Episode Five Redux blog as a stretch goal for the Kickstarter campaign that funded this book, but since we were nowhere near £250,000, I didn’t bother.

PLANET OF THE SPIDERS

BLOGGED: 9 March 2012

PART ONE

Me: Right, this is it.
Sue: This is what?
Me: Jon Pertwee’s last story. Six more episodes and it’s over.
Sue: Really? Why are you telling me this now? Are you winding me up again?
Me: I was going to keep it a surprise, but this story works better if you know it’s the Third Doctor’s swan song. It would have been common knowledge at the time, too. The reason I know this for a fact is because my mother sat me down and explained to me what was going to happen in advance; she probably did it to stop me freaking out when Pertwee was replaced by another actor. Oh, and you’d have to be an idiot not to see it coming a mile off, so I’ve decided to put you out of your misery now.

When the story’s title appears, Sue turns to me and laughs.

Sue: Spiders, eh? You must really hate this story. Don’t worry, you can hold my hand if you get scared. I’ll protect you.

Yes, I suffer from arachnophobia. I also live in the countryside, which means I spend a great deal of my time screaming for Sue to come and rescue me from the eight-legged fuckers.

Me: This story had a profound effect on me. You could say it made me the person I am today.
Sue: Afraid of spiders?
Me: No, afraid of Buddhists.
Sue: I beg your pardon?
Me: You’ll see.

A lonely-looking man is walking down a country lane...

Me: Do you recognise him?
Sue: Is it the actor who plays Yates? Is he playing a different part?
Me: No! That’s Yates!
Sue: But I thought he was persona non grata?

Meanwhile the Doctor and the Brigadier are painting the town red.

Sue: Is this what they get up to on their days off? What the hell is going on? Why isn’t the Doctor off exploring the universe or something?

A torturous comedy routine is followed by a Turkish belly dancer named Sherezadi.

Sue: They’ve come to a working men’s club to see a STRIPPER??!

Lethbridge-Stewart’s eyes almost pop out of his head.

Sue: Brigadier! I am very disappointed in you.

Yates breaks into a large country house and makes for the cellar, where a group of middle-aged men are meditating over a Roger Dean album cover.

Me: I told you Buddhists were bloody terrifying.
Sue: They look more like bank managers than Buddhists.
Me: It is possible to be both. Have I told you that Barry Letts was a Buddhist?
Sue: So does Doctor Who have a Buddhist agenda, then? We’ve seen Buddhists in the show before, haven’t we?
Me: I grew up associating Buddhism with monsters and alien invasions, which I’m fairly sure wasn’t Barry’s intention.

Professor Clegg (the clairvoyant act at last night’s sordid cabaret) is summoned to UNIT HQ to speak with the Doctor.

Sue: It’s a bit like MI5 bringing Derren Brown in for questioning. You can tell he’s got mind control powers because of his beard.

The Doctor wants Clegg to help him with his research into ESP.

Sue: Is he going to form an alliance with Clegg? Can you see what I did there? It’s because the Doctor is a...
Me: Yes, very good, Sue.
Sue: Why is the Doctor fixated on this particular subject all of a sudden? Is he sick of all the mind control, as well? I still don’t understand why he isn’t off having an adventure on some alien planet somewhere. This is out of character. He couldn’t wait to leave, but now he’s hanging around UNIT like a spare part.

Yates meets Sarah Jane at a remote train station in his sports car.

Sue: He’s starting his midlife crisis early. And his MG needs a service, too. Listen to it squeaking! That would turn Sarah right off.

Yates has an exclusive scoop for Sarah’s magazine.

Sue: So is Sarah Jane a journalist again? Has she left the Doctor? Why does she trust Yates again? And in which magazine did she publish her story about the giant penis in a cape?

Yates wants Sarah to investigate the suspicious meditation centre.

Sue: Yates has the look of a young Mick Jagger. I think the long hair suits him. I’m glad they brought him back to finish off his story. Not that I was expecting any kind of resolution.

The Buddhists are led by a grumpy fellow named Lupton.

Sue: He looks familiar.
Me: Where in Doctor Who have you encountered this actor before?
Sue: Wasn’t he in On the Buses?

The Doctor hooks Clegg up to a machine that Sue recognises as a salon-style hair dryer.

Sue: Those are the same headphones from the story with the giant maggots. He’s nicked them from the giant computer that was brainwashing everyone.

Clegg’s mental powers reveal that the Brigadier has enjoyed extra-marital relations with a young lady named Doris.

Me: I told you he was having an affair.

Sue half-laughs and half-tuts. And then UNIT’s monitor screen is filled with Drashigs as Clegg probes the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver with his mind.

Sue: I suppose the Doctor should count himself lucky it isn’t showing images of the giant cock in a shower curtain. How would he explain that to the Brigadier?

When Benton walks into the lab, he dismisses the Doctor’s contraption as an overblown hair dryer as well.

Sue: Me and Benton would get on like a house on fire. We think the same way. Is the actor who plays Benton still alive?
Me: Yes! You passed him in a corridor about three months ago. You were invited to see some of his stand-up comedy, but you were too busy hiding in the hotel’s restaurant to bother, which was probably for the best.
Sue: That was never Benton! Never in a million years! I thought I passed Ian Levine in that corridor.

Back at the meditation centre, Sarah interviews a Tibetan monk named Cho-Je about his beliefs. At one point Cho-Je says, “The old man must die and the new man will discover to his inexpressible joy that he has never existed”.

Sue: In other words, don’t worry, Tom Baker will be along shortly. There’s a lot of foreshadowing going on in this episode. I like it.

Jo Grant has sent the Doctor a package from the Amazon. The Doctor asks Clegg to identify its contents before he opens it.

Sue: Is it a DVD boxset? That’s what you usually get from Amazon.
Me: Very funny.
Sue: Is it the blue crystal from the one with...
Me: The giant maggots? Yes. Yes, it is.
Sue: I know it’s called The Green Death, by the way. I just like winding you up.

Their interview concluded, Mike and Sarah pretend to leave the meditation centre, only to double back again.

Sue: There are lots of references to the past in this episode. And Sarah Jane is flirting with Mike Yates now. They set that up weeks ago. It’s a bit like Lost, this.

Professor Clegg’s mind makes contact with the Metebelis crystal.

Sue: The Doctor’s only gone and killed him! While he was in his care! That’s a health and safety nightmare. UNIT will be up to their necks in litigation for months. Unless they cover it up, of course.

The episode concludes as something materialises in the meditation centre’s cellar...

Sue: So Buddhists are making giant spiders appear out of thin air.
Me: Yes.
Sue: Erm... Why?

PART TWO

Sue: Only five more Jon Pertwee episodes to go. I can’t believe it. I bet Part Five will still be rubbish, though. And I bet you remember this from when you were young, Neil. Or were you too scared to watch it?
Me: My strongest memory about this story concerns the edited omnibus repeat that aired over Christmas in 1974. I’m standing in Coventry’s Pool Meadow Bus Station, waiting for a Number 7 with my mother, and I’m screaming the place down because we’ve missed both the bus and the omnibus. I know it was the Christmas repeat because my mother tried to pacify me with a gingerbread snowman.
Sue: Omnibus edition?
Me: Don’t even go there. I raised the possibility that we might watch the omnibus edition instead, but our readers on Twitter and Facebook nearly tore my head off.
Sue: Would you jump off a cliff if they told you to?
Me: I don’t know. What would it do to our stats?

A giant spider is about to make its move.

Sue: Does the spider jump onto his back? Oh look, it has... And now it’s invisible. Yes, I’ve definitely seen this before. I’m sure of it. It definitely jumps onto a woman’s back later.
Me: Did the woman in question look like Catherine Tate by any chance?
Sue: Yes!
Me: I thought so.

When the Doctor hooks the Metebelis crystal up to his machine, he sees spiders writhing around on a monitor. I turn away, repulsed.

Sue: So did Doctor Who make you afraid of spiders, Neil? Is it Doctor Who’s fault that I have to keep rescuing you when you take a bath?
Me: I don’t think so. It probably reinforced my fear of them, though. I still have problems watching this story today.
Sue: So is Lupton Spider-Man, now? Can he climb walls and swing around on webs and stuff? He might want to think about a costume of some sort. That brown roll neck jumper isn’t going to cut it.

The Doctor admits he is responsible for Clegg’s death, and Sue doesn’t understand why he hasn’t turned himself in to the police.

Sue: At least he cares that he’s accidentally killed Derren Brown, I suppose. And doesn’t Jon Pertwee look tired all of a sudden?

Sue is enjoying this episode (she adores Sarah’s hat and coat ensemble), and she can’t believe her eyes when she spies the Whomobile and Bessie in the same car park.

Sue: This really is a greatest hits package, isn’t it?

Lupton barges into UNIT HQ, and when Benton tries to intervene, Lupton electrocutes him.

Sue: Have they killed Benton? Is this Benton’s last story, as well? Does UNIT get killed off? I’m a bit worried now.

Lupton steals the Metebelis crystal, and the Brigadier tries to stop him with deadly – but incredibly inaccurate – force.

Sue: The Brig ought to be a better shot than that! Is it any wonder UNIT can’t hit a barn door at 20 paces if he’s the one training them? Good grief.

The chase begins.

Sue: Is this one of those special Top Gear challenges where they have to get from one end of the country to the other in different vehicles?
Me: It’s more like Wacky Races.

It isn’t long before this high-speed pursuit attracts the attention of the police.

Sue: It’s Mel Smith in a panda car!

Sue begins to suspect this scene is nothing more than padding.

Sue: That’s the same fork in the road. They’re going round and round in circles. I’m guessing that none of this is in the omnibus? They must have cut this out.
Me: You’d have thought so, wouldn’t you? But they didn’t.

Sue gives me a funny look. And the chase goes on.

Sue: I’ve never seen a car chase where the participants actually get out and swap vehicles. You wouldn’t catch Bullitt doing that.

With Lupton now in a gyrocopter, Sue thinks she’s spotted a fatal flaw.

Sue: I can’t wait to see Tom Baker driving around in the Whomobile... Hang on a minute, what happened to the spider? Why hasn’t Lupton splattered it all over the upholstery?

And then, to Sarah’s horror (and Sue’s delight), the Whomobile takes to the skies.

Sue: It’s turned into Grease.

The Doctor follows Lupton’s gyrocopter to the coast.

Sue: Not boats as well! What comes after the boats? Trains? Buses? Space Hoppers?

Lupton steals a motorboat from Terry Walsh.

Sue: He’s familiar.
Me: He should be, he played the Doctor last week.

And the chase goes on.

Sue: There’s more driving in this episode than there is in the film Drive!
Me: Ah, a comedy tramp. It really is a Now That’s What I Call A Jon Pertwee Episode, now.
Sue: It reminds me of Live and Let Die. It’s as long as Live and Let Die.

The Doctor finally catches up with Lupton’s boat, but when he boards the vessel, his quarry is nowhere to be found.

Sue: Why didn’t Lupton do that 10 minutes ago?!

PART THREE

Back at the meditation centre, a young man with learning difficulties is drawn to the Metebelis crystal.

Sue: He looks like a young Colin Montgomerie.

Lupton confers with one of his Buddhist colleagues about what happened in the cellar earlier with the giant spider.

Sue: He looks familiar.
Me: Bizarrely, and I’m not making this up, Barnes looks like someone who teaches Buddhism at our university. I think he specialises in distance learning. You know, because he astrally projects to his lectures... Oh, suit yourself.

Lupton is unhappy about losing his job as a sales director, and he’s decided to channel his energies into achieving world domination instead.

Sue: From redundancy to world domination – that’s quite a career move. I hope you don’t do something stupid like this when you take your severance this summer, Neil.

Barnes leaves Lupton to his own devices.

Sue: (As Lupton) Make sure you don’t step on the giant spider on your way out.

Lupton heads for the cellar to meditate, but when Sarah follows him, she’s accidentally transported to Metebelis 3.

Sue: Metebelis 3 looks quite nice. Are you sure this is the same place as before? It was a shit hole when the Doctor last visited the place.

The Doctor follows Sarah in his TARDIS.

Sue: Why doesn’t he use the mat? It would be a lot quicker. And more reliable.

Sarah is introduced to Metebelis 3’s human inhabitants.

Sue: He’s definitely familiar... Is he a 1970s porn star?
Me: I don’t know. How many 1970s porn stars are you familiar with?
Sue: It’s not Jason King, is it?

I eventually jog her memory thanks to the internationally-recognised hand gesture for Gareth Hunt.

Sue: Is he, really? That isn’t very nice.
Me: Oh, for God’s sake, it’s Gareth Hunt!
Sue: Who?
Me: The New Avengers.
Sue: The what?
Me: The Nescafe adverts.
Sue: Oh, him!

And then...

Sue: Oh. My. God.
Me: Sue, I’d like you to meet Jenny Laird.

She’s gobsmacked by Jenny’s performance (if performance is the right word).

Me: Believe it or not, RADA named an acting prize after Jenny Laird.
Sue: Was it the booby prize for the most stilted performance of the year? Maybe Barry Letts hired the wrong Jenny Laird by mistake? This woman can’t act. I could do a better job than her and I’m shit!

Despite Jenny’s best efforts, Sue is quite taken with Metebelis 3, especially its Butlins-style chalets and “lovely cobbled floors”. And when the TARDIS arrives, she’s even more impressed.

Sue: The TARDIS is having a good day. Look at that. Inches away from where the Doctor needs to be. For a single episode, Jon Pertwee’s TARDIS acts like Matt Smith’s.

But before the Doctor can rescue Sarah, a giant spider decides to spoil things.

Sue: Just step on it!

The Doctor is zapped by the spider’s guards and he stumbles to the floor unconscious.

Sue: Is this it, then? Is he going to regenerate?

PART FOUR

Sue: So when is he going to regenerate? It must be a long regeneration if there are still three episodes left. And I thought David Tennant’s regeneration was drawn out. Or does Tom Baker turn up in the middle of the story and sort everything out?

Sue is convinced she’s spotted a famous extra lurking in Jenny Laird’s shadow.

Sue: It’s Meryl Streep.
Me: Don’t be silly. They couldn’t afford Meryl Streep and Jenny Laird.

Meanwhile at the meditation centre...

Sue: These men look – and act – like a paedophile ring.

Tommy begins to read from a children’s book.

Sue: I had that book when I was at school! I remember the pictures and everything!

I’ve never ever seen Sue this excited in the middle of an episode of Doctor Who before. Anyway, the crystal clears Tommy’s mind and he discovers, to his astonishment, that he can suddenly read fluently for the first time.

Sue: What a brilliant idea. And they did it really well, too. It’s a great performance from Colin Montgomerie.

Back on Metebelis 3, the Doctor is barely conscious.

Sue: Don’t just lie there! Regenerate!

The Doctor gives Sarah the key to the TARDIS so she can fetch a machine that might save his life.

Sue: That’s weird. I thought the TARDIS used a Yale key.

The colonists on Metebelis 3 debate their next move.

Sue: They’d be better off staging a production of Hair.

The Doctor activates the life-saving machine and... BOOM!

Sue: Where’s Tom Baker? Oh, this is getting silly, now. It’s still Jon Pertwee.

Yates stumbles across the local paedo ring and is tied-up for his troubles.

Sue: Yates is wearing a brand new pair of shoes. Look at his sole. It hasn’t got a mark on it.
Me: That’s very deep, Sue.

The Doctor enters the spiders’ city.

Sue: It looks like spun.
Me: A spun web? Yes, it does.
Sue: No, spun. Tuff spun to be precise. It’s a material they used to diffuse studio lighting. Don’t you know anything?

The episode concludes with the Doctor failing to rescue his companion. The look on Sarah’s (and Sue’s) face says it all, really.

Sue: How disappointing.

PART FIVE

The spiders really want their crystal back.

Sue: You can’t blame the spiders for being annoyed. If a spider stole the Star of India from us, we’d be pissed off as well.

Sue feels sorry for the actors who have to interact with Jenny Laird.

Sue: She’s certainly not helping Gareth Hunt. He goes as stiff as a board as soon as she comes near him.

A spider strikes a deal with Sarah: the crystal in exchange for peace, love and harmony.

Sue: I’d want to see something on paper first. Although I bet you wouldn’t be able to read their handwriting.

If there’s one thing that disappoints Sue, it’s the spiders’ habitat.

Sue: Their lair isn’t what I expected at all. I thought it would be a dark cave covered in cobwebs, but it looks like a car showroom.

And she can’t work out which spider is which.

Sue: They all look and sound the same to me. How do they seriously expect me to keep up with this?
Me: Racist.
Sue: Speaking of which, couldn’t they have hired a real Tibetan to play the monk instead of yellowing somebody up? Oh, and Cho-Je is definitely in on it. Whatever it is.

The Great One taunts the Doctor.

Sue: The Doctor is genuinely scared. Either that or it’s indigestion.

The Great One forces the Doctor to march around in a circle.

Sue: This is very disturbing. I don’t know what to make of this.

Cho-Je is electrocuted by a spider. And then Yates is struck down as well.

Sue: It’s turning into a blood bath. Just so long as they don’t harm Tommy...

As Tommy leads the Doctor and Sarah to safety, Sarah remarks on the fact that he suddenly appears “normal”.

Sue: That was a very poor choice of words. I can’t say I’m very happy about that.

Tommy sincerely hopes that he isn’t “normal”.

Sue: That salvaged it. That was a great line, so I apologise for jumping the gun. Although I’m warning you now, Neil, if Tommy dies, this story will get zero out of 10 I don’t care if it’s Pertwee’s last or not.

The Doctor meets the abbot, K’Anpo Rinpoche.

Sue: Is it the Master?
Me: I’ll let you have that one. I can actually see where you’re coming from for a change. But no, it isn’t the Master. Sorry.

The episode concludes as Tommy is attacked by brainwashed Buddhists who are backed-up (quite literally) by spiders.

Sue: That was a great cliffhanger. A character in danger that I actually care about for a change. They’d better not kill him, though. I’m serious, Neil.

PART SIX

Sue: They never did fix the titles, did they? That’s a shame. Not that I’ll miss these titles. The bit where the Doctor’s legs turn into a tunnel never really worked for me.

Confusion quickly sets in.

Sue: This is a long recap. The episode will be over by the time it finishes.

And then the recap is interrupted by scenes we’ve never witnessed before.

Sue: What happened to Tommy? Is he dead? What’s going on?

And then the original cliffhanger suddenly picks up where it left off.

Sue: I think that worked. Just about. I don’t think you could get away with it every week, though. It doesn’t help that we watched two episodes back to back, either. It’s like Barry wanted another go at the cliffhanger.

Sarah, now under the thrall of the spiders, zaps the Doctor.

Sue: Does Sarah make the Doctor regenerate? Does she have to live with the guilt?

Sue reaches for a cushion and then thinks better of it.

Sue: This is technically hypnotism-stroke-mind-control. I should be smashing you in the face right now, but I’m enjoying it for a change, so I’ll let you off.

After freeing Sarah from the spider, the Doctor admits he’s at fault, and he shouldn’t have stolen the crystal in the first place.

Sue: That was a powerful message. I’m glad they’re addressing the Doctor’s flaws. It’s almost as if I was supposed to think he was a pompous cunt all along. And doesn’t David Tennant’s regeneration echo these sentiments a bit? It’s a nice twist and not what I was expecting at all.

Sadly, K’Anpo’s claim that Cho-Je was a projection of his future self goes down like a lead balloon.

Sue: Eh?
Me: Try to imagine that William Hartnell could project Patrick Troughton. It’s a bit like that.
Sue: That doesn’t help, Neil.

The Doctor realises he will have to face his greatest fear.

Sue: Is he frightened of spiders, or is he frightened of being made to walk around in circle? Which one is it?

As brainwashed Buddhists converge on Tommy, Yates redeems himself by taking a psychic bullet, an act Sue welcomes with open arms (she’s disappointed when it turns out that his “compassion” saved him). And then K’Anpo regenerates into Cho-Je.

Sue: He makes it look so easy. And it prepares the children for the upcoming regeneration, too. Easily confused children like you, Neil. Your mother needn’t have warned you, after all.

The Doctor enters the cave of crystals to face the Great One.

Sue: The Great One actually lives up to her name. All the spiders look pretty good, actually. I’m impressed.

The crystal transforms the Great One’s thoughts into a deadly feedback loop, and the Doctor has to rush back to his TARDIS as the mountain explodes around him.

Sue: So it didn’t kill the Doctor, after all. He’s fine. So what kills him, then?

Weeks pass and the Doctor is nowhere to be seen.

Sue: Does he regenerate in an unseen adventure? That would be disappointing.

The TARDIS returns to UNIT HQ.

Sue: Does Tom Baker walk out?

The Doctor, damaged and dying, stumbles into Sarah’s arms. He tells her that the TARDIS brought him home.

Sue: So is UNIT his home now? Not Gallifrey? That’s interesting.

When the Doctor dies, Sue doesn’t say a word. And I can’t say anything either because I’m too choked up, and if I look at her she might see just how choked up I am, so I honestly don’t know how she’s reacting right now. And then she breaks her silence...

Sue: Yeah, that was a good scene. Nicely played. I can’t say I’m disappointed to see Jon Pertwee go, but yeah, that was nicely done.

Just when all hope seems lost, a projection of Cho-Je ushers in a new era.

Sue: Why does the Doctor need someone to kick-start his regeneration for him? The next time he regenerates, won’t people wonder where the little genie is?
Me: Who says he won’t be around next time?
Sue: Okay, fair enough.

And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives...

Sue: It’s Tom Jones!

THE SCORE

Sue: I’m still not entirely clear why – or how – the Doctor died. In fact, the plot didn’t make a lot of sense to me. But the regeneration was effective, and some of the performances were excellent. I wish you’d let me see the omnibus edit. I bet it would have flown by.

7/10

COMMENT: “I wouldn’t have told her the regeneration was coming up. And I would have told her Tommy wrote Terry and June.” – Steve O’Brien

NOTES: Steve’s right, of course. What the hell was I thinking? Leaving out the Terry and June fact was bad enough, but spoiling the regeneration like that was unforgivable. If it’s any consolation, I’d completely forgotten about it when I came to edit this book, and I hated myself when I read this entry. I mean, what a dick.

THE PERTWEE YEARS

BLOGGED: 17 March 2012

We didn’t publish a Q&A when we reached the end of the Pertwee era because we recorded a podcast instead. You can listen to it here: https://soundcloud.com/wifeinspace/adventures-with-the-wife-in, and between the zany songs, Paul Darrow jingles, and Terrance Dicks impersonations, there was a attempt – of sorts – to quiz Sue about Jon Pertwee’s reign as the Doctor:

Simon Harries: From everything we’ve learned about the Jon Pertwee era from your comments, the incident with Jo and the sandwich has to be the defining moment. So I’m curious to know if you have a favourite type of sandwich, and if so, what is it?
Sue: BLT... Are all the questions going to be like this, Neil?
Bob Fischer: If you could have any of the first three Doctors as a house guest for a week, which one would you choose and why? And what would you make them for dinner on the first night?
Sue: Definitely Pat Troughton. Because he’d be low maintenance; he’s scruffy so you wouldn’t have to tidy up that much.
Me: What would you cook for him?
Sue: I dunno... Probably a BLT.
Dave Sanders: What vehicle would you design for Jon Pertwee?
Sue: It would look a bit like a police box. A police box that got you where you wanted to go – to the right co-ordinates and the right time. What more could you want?
Rita from Oregon: How has watching lots of Doctor Who together affected your relationship with Neil?
Sue: Well, the sex is better for one thing.
John Williams: As you pointed out, Sue, the Third Doctor is a difficult Doctor to get along with. He could behave monstrously. So my question is: who would be the perfect companion for him?
Sue: Benton. Why are you laughing, Neil? Why not Benton? I think he would have appreciated it.
Fred from Kansas: I notice that you gave The Daleks three out of 10 and Death to the Daleks five out of 10. Now, you liked the first half of The Daleks, and you didn’t like anything about Death to the Daleks, which is one of the few things we agree on. So my question to you is: why the change? Are you warming up to Doctor Who?
Sue: I’ll sum it up like this: The Daleks was black and white, seven episodes long, with an unlikable Doctor. Whereas Death to the Daleks was four episodes long, in colour, with an unlikable Doctor.
Huw Davies: If you could destroy one episode from the Pertwee era so you could watch it again as a recon, which one would it be?
Sue: What a ridiculous question. That is preposterous...
Ben from Sheffield: My question is for Neil. It seems to me that Sue is very fortunate to be coming to these stories free from fan prejudices, and she takes each story on its own merits. You, however, seem to come more and more with a sort of... woe. A malaise covers you from the moment you sit down, and so many of these stories seem to be your least favourite, and when that is the case, they never seem to cheer or surprise you. Is it possible Sue is enjoying this experiment far more than you are, even when she isn’t enjoying it very much? Indeed, do you enjoy the stories more when you are watching them with Sue, or when you are engaging in your illicit solo-viewing experiences?
Sue: What does he mean by ‘solo explicit-viewing’?
Me: (Laughing) He didn’t say that! He said illicit.
Sue: So what does he mean by ‘solo illicit-viewing’?
Me: Well, I occasionally sneak downstairs at night and watch some Peter Davison without you.
Sue: Oh.
Me: Does that upset you?
Sue: (On the verge of tears) Yeah, it does a little bit.
Me: Anyway, thanks for the question, Ben. I just want to say that I did enjoy The Time Monster, and I’ve got Sue to thank for that.
Liam from Newcastle: Would you say that Doctor Who is the best thing British television has ever created?
Sue: Listen... I, Claudius, Edge of Darkness, The Singing Detective, GBH, Gangsters, Only Fools and Horses. Look, Doctor Who’s good, but it’s not that good.
Jeremy Philips: Who gives the worst performance in the Jon Pertwee stories, and which actor would you cast in their place?
Sue: It’s a toss up between Jenny Laird and Mike Yates.
Me: Who would you get to play Mike Yates?
Sue: David Essex or Peter Gordeno.
Me: What about Jenny Laird?
Sue: I don’t know... Beryl Reid or...
Me: Beryl Reid in Doctor Who? Are you insane?
Emmet from Canada: Now that you’ve seen more episodes (certainly more recons) than many people who call themselves fans, do think you’ve become more of Doctor Who fan yourself now, or do you still feel like an outsider?
Sue: I guess it depends on what you define as a fan, really. I’ve certainly got a lot more appreciation for the show, but it wouldn’t be part of my normal evening viewing if it wasn’t for this experiment. I don’t want to watch more and more and more, so I can’t be a fan. I’m doing it because I have to, although I’m enjoying it at the same time.
Matthew Clarke: If you worked for UNIT, what would you be doing?
Sue: I’d do the carpentry. I’d go around fixing all the broken chair legs, because they’d been smashed around Benton’s head.
John Smith: Will you be doing the full run of Big Finish audios, novels, comic strips, short stories and Sky Ray ice lolly cards?
Sue: No.
Robert Dick: Can you appreciate why this programme means so much to Neil?
Sue: Yes, I can see why it means so much to him. I think he can plot his childhood through every Doctor, and every series, and every episode, and every monster. So yeah, I can see why it means a lot to Neil.

EXTRAS

IS SHE THE MASTER?

WORZEL GUMMIDGE

BLOGGED: 17 July 2015

This blog originally appeared in the Kickstarter-exclusive ebook, The Wife Versus Everything Else Volume 1, and was commissioned by Bradley Forssman...

Sue: Worzel-fucking-Gummidge? For fuck’s sake, Neil. What’s next? Bagpuss?
Me: I always feel uncomfortable when I watch Worzel Gummidge.
Sue: Does it remind you of your unhappy childhood?
Me: No, it reminds me that I used to be a massive twat.
Sue: Used to be?

Once upon a time, I betrayed a Worzel Gummidge fan.

It was the late-1990s and I was into Babylon 5. And because I couldn’t wait for the episodes to show up on Channel 4, or for Bit Torrent to be invented, I had no choice but to befriend an American Worzel Gummidge fan on the internet in order to get my fix.

Actually, he was interested in the spin-off series, Worzel Gummidge Down Under, but that isn’t important right now. What is important is episodes of Worzel Gummidge were extremely hard to come by if you happened to live in Florida in 1998.

Anyway, as luck would have it, the episodes he so badly needed were about to be broadcast on UK Gold every Sunday at 9am. So we formed a symbiotic relationship and both of us were very happy.

The only problem was I didn’t trust the timer on the NTSC VCR I’d imported to play my Babylon 5 episodes on, which meant I had to wake up ridiculously early every Sunday morning and record the programme manually. And on those rare occasions where I actually managed to stay awake, I edited out the adverts for him too.
And then Babylon 5 finished. But that was okay because there was only one episode of Worzel Gummidge Down Under left to record – the season finale! – and then my American friend would have the complete set.
However, that particular Sunday morning I was hungover (I was drinking to forget the last episode of Babylon 5), so when my alarm went off, I muttered a half-remembered, “Fuck it” and went back to sleep.

Sue: I don’t know how you can live with yourself!
Me: When I told you about this at the time, you thought it was hilarious.
Sue: Has he got the episodes now?
Me: I expect so. They’re probably on YouTube. But that isn’t the point. I still feel terrible about it. Especially when, 10 years later, I almost bumped into him at a Doctor Who convention in Los Angeles. And by that I mean I spotted him in a crowd and ran in the opposite direction. I’m a such coward. Anyway, I’m not the one on trial today.

I press ‘play’.

THE TRIAL OF WORZEL GUMMIDGE

Me: So, what do you know about Worzel Gummidge, Sue?
Sue: It was shown on Sunday afternoons, and my younger brother, Kenny, was terrified of it. Me and Gary used to make fun of him because he’d hide behind the sofa when it was on. It didn’t help that our mam looked a bit like Worzel Gummidge when she was drunk, mind.

Worzel winks at the audience.

Me: Yeah, that is pretty scary, I suppose.
Sue: I felt sorry for him. Worzel, I mean. Not our Kenny. He’s got a shit job, freezing his balls off in a field like that. Who’d want a job like that?

If that wasn’t bad enough, Worzel is perpetually at war with the crows.

Sue: Is that Jon Pertwee’s real voice?
Me: No, he didn’t speak like that all the time.
Sue: No, silly. I mean is doing that voice himself, or is it done later in post-production?
Me: No, Jon’s doing it all himself.
Sue: There was a canister of helium, just off-camera?
Me: No.
Sue: Wow. He’s even more talented than I thought.

Worzel uses a giant slingshot to launch potatoes at the crows.

Sue: He’s basically invented Angry Birds 30 years too early.

While Worzel gets up to mischief, a man dressed in black looks on in despair.

Sue: Is that the Crowmaster?
Me: Close enough.
Sue: He looks like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Crowman takes Worzel to a cow shed. Worzel’s friends, Sue and John, decide to investigate.

Me: Do you recognise her?
Sue: No. Should I?

I tell her that her namesake is played by Charlotte Coleman; she remembers her from Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.

Me: She died from an asthma attack at a ridiculously young age.
Sue: Well, that was cheerful. Thanks for that, Neil. I’ll think about that during the funny bits.

The Crowman has summoned all the local scarecrows to a secret meeting.

Sue: They’re fucking zombies. Look at them! It’s Dawn of the Living Scarecrows! Now I know why Kenny used to shit himself.

As the scarecrows lumber eerily across the countryside, Aunt Sally arrives at the shed on the back of a cart.

Sue: Aunt Sally used to scare Kenny the most. Gary would sneak up behind him and scream, “Aunt Sally’s going to get you! Aunt Sally’s going to get you!” He was traumatised, poor kid.
Me: So why are you laughing?

As soon as his peers finish assembling in the shed, Worzel is accused of crimes against scarecrowing.

Sue: The crows must be having a field day while this is going on.

Sergeant Beetroot brings order to the court.

Sue: This is the second time you’ve made me watch a man pretend to be a beetroot.
Me: He was a lettuce.
Sue: Whatever. Either way, there are a lot of vegetables in our next book.
Me: Do you recognise the actor who’s playing the beetroot?
Sue: It’s not Arthur Mullard, is it?
Me: God no! It’s Bill Maynard. You know. Selwyn Froggitt.
Sue: Sorry, you’ve lost me now.

She doesn’t even recognise Catweazle.

Sue: He reminds me of William Hartnell. If William Hartnell let himself go or fell into a haystack, that is.
Me: Geoffrey Bayldon was offered the role of the Doctor, but he turned it down. More than once, I believe.
Sue: Good! He’s bloody terrifying!

Aunt Sally takes to the stand.

Sue: Didn’t you tell me once that Una Stubbs...
Me: Ssh... You’re missing the best bit. Aunt Sally has just admitted that she’s shagged a beetroot.
Sue: Wow. That’s even worse!

And then Sue asks an important question:

Sue: Why are they alive?
Me: Fuck knows.
Sue: Well, there must be a good reason. What would be the point, otherwise? Why would you bring something to life that’s going to be strapped to a pole in the ground? It’s insane.

Aunt Sally testifies against Worzel.

Sue: Remind me why he fancies her again. Because she’s fucking horrible!
Me: What do you think of Jon Pertwee’s performance?
Sue: Oh, he’s brilliant. This can’t have been easy.
Me: Do you prefer Jon Pertwee as Worzel or the Doctor?
Sue: Oh Worzel, easy. He’s more down to earth in this. And he looks like Rod Stewart, too.

Aunt Sally cross-examines herself.

Sue: That was excellent. The script is very funny. There are definitely plenty of jokes for the adults.

Worzel hopes to escape to Bulgaria.

Sue: Bulgaria? Whoever wrote this is a genius.

Worzel is found guilty, and Sue and John are forced to intervene.

Sue: The scarecrows will have to kill them now. They can’t leave any witnesses.
Me: Is this the sort of thing you used to tell Kenny?

When it comes to defending poor Worzel, the children are literally lost for words.

Sue: This is very funny. I bet Nicol would have enjoyed this when she was six years old.
Me: She would have been too busy watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Worzel’s sentence (the compost heap) is suddenly rescinded when he admits he’s been sheltering some baby birds in his chest cavity. Like that explains everything.

Sue: Wouldn’t it be funny if they turned out to be crows and he had to kill them with a potato in the next episode?

Worzel returns to his field with a spring in his step.

Sue: I don’t know why he’s so happy. It’s a shit job. And why is he alive in the first place? It’s so cruel.

THE SCORE

Me: So what are you giving that?
Sue: I don’t know. I definitely enjoyed it, although I’m sure I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I’d watched it with my imaginary grandchildren, instead of on a Friday night with my stupid husband, but you can’t have everything.
Me: But apart from that you enjoyed it?
Sue: It was all right, I suppose. The script was quite funny. Bizarre, but funny. Jon Pertwee was surprisingly good. Oh, and it was definitely for kids, so:

7/10

WHODUNNIT?

BLOGGED: 22 November 2015

This blog was commissioned by Paul Morris. Probably because Worzel Gummidge was already taken.

Me: Before Jon Pertwee was a scarecrow, he hosted an ITV game show.
Sue: Is it because the word ‘Who’ is in the title? Is that how he got the job?
Me: It used to be hosted by Edward Woodward.
Sue: Now you’re just taking the piss.
Me: And this is the Christmas special from Boxing Day 1974.
Sue: I got a Raleigh Chopper that year.
Me: Do you remember Whodunnit?
Sue: Funnily enough, I don’t. I was too busy riding around on my Chopper. What about you?
Me: I loved it. I definitely saw some of the later episodes, because, you know, Jon Pertwee was in it. It was the closest you could get to Doctor Who on a weeknight.
Sue: If Jon Pertwee had hosted Songs of Praise, would you have watched that?
Me: Yeah, probably.

A PIECE OF CAKE

Sue’s job includes teaching television formats to undergraduate students, so I’ve asked her to treat this episode as a pilot. In other words, does she think the basic idea – celebrity panellists solve fictional murder – would work today? Otherwise she’ll spend the next 40 minutes trying to deduce who the killer is, and that would result in a very tedious blog indeed.

Sue: Ah yes, I remember this now. The format is based on Cluedo.
Me: No, it isn’t. Besides, Tom Baker was in Cluedo.
Sue: I can’t tell whether you’re joking or not.

It’s 1928 and a family are celebrating Christmas at the Trocadero in London.

Sue: This reminds me of that fancy dress thing we went to in Guernsey. The one where you had to give an after-dinner speech about Doctor Who and...
Me: Please don’t mention the G-word.
Sue: And I went as a 1920s flapper.
Me: So it isn’t because this guy is going to die horribly in the middle of his speech, then?

Right on cue, Captain Alexander Anderson drops down dead.

Sue: I like how he didn’t land on the cake when his face hit the table.
Me: I think he missed the cake by accident.
Sue: Don’t be daft. What if they had to do another take? They’d have been fucked if he’d landed on it. Don’t you know anything?

Both of us fail to notice that William Russell is playing the victim. Maybe it’s because he’s wearing an eyepatch. Or maybe it’s because he’s sporting an enormous moustache. Or maybe we were thrown by his accent, which is so posh, he makes the Third Doctor sound like Dick Van Dyke. And speaking of the Third Doctor...

Sue: Jon Pertwee looks really healthy in this. Younger, somehow.
Me: I love how he’s decided to host the show dressed as the Doctor. No wonder I was so keen to watch Whodunnit? when I was growing up. You could imagine him interrupting the programme to tackle some Daleks.
Sue: In your dreams.

Jon introduces the panelists: Patrick “The Dean Wicks of his day” Mower, Wendy “Love is like a butterfly” Craig, Derek “Priest-guy” Nimmo, and Leslie “Crackerjack!” Crowther.

Me: I don’t remember Leslie Crowther on Crackerjack!
Sue: Crackerjack!
Me: He’ll always be the face of Stork SB Margarine to me.
Sue: He was Phil Lynott’s father-in-law.

Leslie smokes like a chimney throughout the show. Which is annoying because we’ve recently given up (Sue’s on her seventh week without tabs, and I’m on my sixth). So this is tough. And Leslie isn’t the only one. Pertwee’s desk is home to a family-sized box of Swan Vestas and a pack of Silk Cut. The bastard.

Sue: Jon Pertwee’s lapel mic is massive. They may as well have tied a boom to his jacket.

Jon introduces four members of the public, who have been chosen to identify the murderer.

Me: None of them are under the age of 70.
Sue: They’ve been rounded up from the bingo hall next door.

And then we return to 1928 so we can witness the fallout from Captain Anderson’s death.

Sue: You want to know whether this format could make a comeback or not? Well the answer’s no.
Me: Oh.
Sue: And I’ll tell you why: it’s because the acting would be terrible. You’d never be able to afford decent actors to do these bits. Could you imagine Christopher Eccleston doing this? It’s hard enough getting decent drama on the telly without relying on inserts in a game show. People want good drama or they want a good game show. They don’t want both at the same time.
Me: This series ran for six years, Sue.
Sue: It was the 1970s, Neil. Audiences put up with a lot of shit in the 1970s.

One of the suspects claims the Christmas cake smells of snake venom.

Sue: This guy should have his own spin-off series. The detective who solves crimes with his nose.
Me: Sniffing out crime.
Sue: His name could be Detective Inspector Parker, and you’d call it Nosey Parker. Quick, Neil, give me your pen...

Things become complicated when a flashback appears in the middle of a flashback.

Sue: Inception was easier to follow than this. And Jon Pertwee isn’t in this very much, considering that we’re watching this for a book about him.
Me: Who cares? I can’t take my eyes off the dancers.
Sue: There are more extras in this scene than there are in a whole series of Doctor Who. ITV must have had money to burn. And is Paul Kaye’s dad conducting the orchestra?
Me: No, it’s Lance Percival, but I can see where you’re coming from.

But if she thought that was confusing, she ain’t seen nothing yet.

Sue: What the fuck?

In a nutshell, a drunken Eamonn Andrews has pissed off Hughie Green.

Sue: Does this suddenly turn into This Is Your Life with Jon Pertwee? Is that why we’re watching this?
Me: No. I think it’s because this is a Christmas Special and they’re trying to push the boat out.
Sue: A boat with no life jackets.

As we hurtle towards the commercial break, I ask Sue to lay her cards on the table.

Me: Okay, who do you think killed him? I think it was the wife. She murdered him with a poisoned watchstrap. It’s obvious.
Sue: I think it was Hughie Green. He was a cunt in real life.

The panel are asked to choose some clips they’d like to see again.

Sue: I don’t think I can sit through that a second time.

While the VT operator fires up the U-Matic, the panellists quiz the suspects in the flesh.

Sue: They don’t seem particularly phased that they’ve travelled 50 years into the future to answer for their crimes.

The actors have to stay in character while Patrick Mower grills them about their fictional movements.

Sue: I really like this part of the show. It’s basically Call My Bluff meets 3-2-1. I bet the actors were shitting themselves. If they adlibbed the wrong thing, it could throw the whole programme into chaos. This is quite exciting, all of a sudden.
Me: It was definitely the wife who did it.

Derek Nimmo doesn’t know if the waiter is guilty of murder because the vintages don’t match the bottle’s labels, or if the props department have fucked up. It’s hilarious.

Sue: I can’t believe how seriously they’re taking this, especially Patrick Mower. Derek’s taking the piss a bit, but Patrick really wants to get it right. I think he’d torture the suspects if he could.

Jon Pertwee hovers over the panel as they write the murderer’s name down on a postcard.

Me: (As Jon Pertwee) Oh Derek, you’ve drawn a giant penis again.

A member of the public identified the correct suspect, and the camera zooms in on her surprised delight.

Me: Not only was it the most exciting moment of her life, it was the last moment of her life.

Wendy Craig is convinced the murderer gave herself away because her Christmas cake recipe was wrong.

Sue: What the fuck does she know about cooking?

And the killer is...

Me: The wife. Definitely.
Sue: The sister. Probably.

...the doctor. No, not that one. The other one.

Me: Fuck’s sake.

Derek Nimmo is the winner, but because it’s Christmas, Jon Pertwee wants all the panellists to win.

Sue: Yeah, hang all the suspects. It’s Christmas.

However, Wendy Craig was so off-beam, she has to settle for a cheap bottle of bubbly instead of a £50 cheque to her charity.

Sue: Sod the charity. Go and get pissed, pet.

Jon wraps things up, but only after he’s told us the doctor murdered the captain with a poisoned needle hidden in his ring.

Sue: And I thought Hughie Green was the biggest prick in this episode.

THE SCORE

Me: How would you score that format if a student came up with it?
Sue: I’d be impressed if any of my students came up with something as sophisticated as that, even if it didn’t stand a chance of working. It was strangely ambitious, and I enjoyed the second-half quite a lot. I suppose there’s an element of interactivity you could exploit with social media, as long as the programme was live, which you’d never do in a million years. So yes, you could make it again today. But you wouldn’t.

6/10

Me: What did you think of Jon Pertwee?
Sue: He was okay, I guess. It’s a step down from Doctor Who, though. It was beneath him. You couldn’t imagine David Tennant hosting The Chase, could you? It’s a bit sad, really.

DEATH OF THE DOCTOR

BLOGGED: 23 November 2015

“Watching Death of the Doctor was bloody hard work, mainly because I spent large portions of it shovelling backstory to my long-suffering wife.”

That’s how I began the review I wrote for this story back in May 2010, several months before the Wife in Space project began. Maybe this is what broke the camel’s back and convinced me to subject Sue to every episode of Doctor Who, just so the odd Sarah Jane Adventure would make sense. Hey, it’s as good a reason as any...

PART ONE

Mr Smith informs Sarah Jane UNIT troops are converging on her house.

Me: Do you recognise the computer’s voice?
Sue: Yeah, it definitely rings a bell.
Me: Pointless.
Sue: No it isn’t. Give me a second and I’ll get there in the end.
Me: No, I mean it’s Alexander Armstrong from Pointless.
Sue: Oh yes. So it is.

UNIT descend on Bannerman Road like a SWAT team (which is a bit odd when you stop to think about it).

Sue: Now that’s a Land Rover Defender.

If you’re new to the blog, you’ll have to wait for the next volume for that comment to make any sense. Anyway, to cut a long story short: the Doctor is dead and Sarah has been invited to his funeral.

Sue: Oh, it’s that evil bastard from EastEnders. I don’t like him.
Me: Rani’s dad?
Sue: The Rani? Is she in this as well?
Me: Bloody hell, Sue. This is even worse than the first time I made you watch this.
Sue: It could be her. Half the baddies in Doctor Who are goodies now, so you can’t blame me for thinking it.

Sarah’s gang are taken to UNIT’s base in Mount Snowden (which can’t be top secret because it’s fucking massive).

Sue: I bet Torchwood were jealous. It’s right on their doorstep, too.

Colonel Karim is in charge of the Doctor’s funeral.

Sue: Is Carol Vorderman UNIT’s scientific advisor, now?

Attendance at the Doctor’s funeral is quite low: Tegan’s too busy, the Brigadier is stuck in Peru, And Liz Shaw is stranded on UNIT’s Moonbase. Clyde can’t believe his ears. A Moonbase!

Me: If you think that’s amazing, wait until you find out it’s sitting on an egg, mate! It’s a fucking Eggbase!
Sue: Are you still going on about that? Give it a rest, Neil.

An enormous rocket will launch the Doctor’s body into space.

Sue: How much is this costing the tax payer, exactly? The Doctor wouldn’t want this. Just stick him in his TARDIS and fly it into the sun or something. This is too tacky for him.

The undertakers are a race of vulture-like aliens called the Sansheeth.

Sue: They remind me of something... You know, from that other sci-fi show we used to watch.
Me: Farscape?
Sue: No, the other one. Babylon 5.
Me: You’ve lost me, love.
Sue: You know, whathisface... Kosh. That’s who they remind me of – the Vorlons!

She’s right. It’s their massive shoulders that do it.

Sue: I trust them about as far as I could throw them.

The remembrance service begins. Sarah closes her eyes and thinks about the Doctor. All three of them.

Sue: Oh no. Not fucking hypnotism again... Ooh look, it’s my Third husband! Excellent.

And then the tranquil atmosphere is interrupted once again, only this time it isn’t my wife who’s responsible.

Sue: It’s Jo!

And even more amazing than that…

Sue: Jo Grant is going out with Harry Styles! I knew he had a thing for older women, but this is ridiculous.

He’s actually Jo’s grandson, Santiago, and to get here he had to hike from Tierra del Fuego to Buenos Aires before catching a boat to Las Malvinas and then a cargo plane across the Atlantic.

Sue: That’s one hell of a carbon footprint, pet.

Jo and Sarah reminisce about old times.

Sue: This feels really genuine. I bet this is what it’s like when they meet each other at conventions. It’s really sweet.

Jo and Sarah remember Peladon.

Sue: I remember Peladon, too! Hey, do you remember the giant penis in the shower curtain? What the fuck was that all about, eh?

Jo and Sarah don’t believe the Doctor is dead.

Sue: Of course he isn’t dead. This is a trap. You’d think UNIT would know better.

Sarah and Jo are carried away on a wave of nostalgia as they remember all the foes they faced: Drashigs, Axons, Ogrons, the Daleks, Cybermen, Zygons...

Sue: I can’t believe Jo didn’t mention the Master. He was in her life every other week!

And then Clyde is suddenly – and inexplicably – replaced by…

Sue: The Pipsqueak!

And even though Sue worships the ground Peter Capaldi walks on, I think it’s fair to say she’s missed Matt Smith.

Sue: He was definitely one of my favourites. He doesn’t even have to say anything. Just look at his cute little face.

Jo can’t believe the Doctor is so young. In fact, it’s only when he’s an objectionable arse to her she finally accepts the truth.

Sue: “It’s like someone baked you!” I know I shouldn’t laugh, but that was brilliant. And that’s exactly what her Doctor would do. He was bloody awful to her.

The episode climaxes with the Sansheeth gunning down the Doctor.

Sue: That was brilliant. And it was only 10 minutes long. Quick, put the next one on.

PART TWO

The Sansheeth chase our heroes down a corridor.

Sue: I keep expecting Rod Hull’s face to appear over their shoulders.

The Sansheeth have stolen the Doctor’s TARDIS.

Sue: Although how they hope to get their massive shoulders through its doors is anybody’s guess.

Jo is upset she never saw the Doctor again after she ran away with a Welshman.

Sue: (As the Doctor) Yeah, I was a pompous cunt back then. Sorry about that. I’m lovely now, though!

But the Doctor knows everything there is to know about Jo Jones.

Sue: He hasn’t been following her around. He just hacked into her Facebook account.

In fact, David Tennant’s Doctor visited all of his companions when he was holding back his regeneration like a fatal fart.

Sue: This is really sweet. I feel like crying.
Me: I wonder if he popped in on Adric before he killed the dinosaurs. I doubt it somehow.
Sue: Shut up, Neil. This is lovely.

Oh, and Colonel Karim is a right cow.

Sue: Is she the Master? She could be, you know.
Me: I think she’s supposed to be Mike Yates. You know, the UNIT member gone bad.
Sue: That makes sense. I bet the fans loved this.
Me: Like you’re loving it, you mean?

The Doctor tells Clyde that he can regenerate 507 times.

Sue: Well that isn’t right. I bet that caused some controversy.
Me: It did, but then Steven Moffat started messing with the numbers, so who knows any more? 507 sounds about right to me.

The Sansheeth want to steal Sarah and Jo’s memories so they can replicate the TARDIS key with them. Look, you just have to go with it, okay?

Sue: That’s one hell of a 3D printer they’ve got there.

Still, any excuse for a memory montage...

Sue: I can’t believe all these images are in my head too.

The Doctor urges his companions to remember all of their adventures. Even the really boring ones.

Sue: Get Jo to remember the sandwich he stole from her. That’ll make their stupid machine explode.

And maybe that’s what happens, because a few seconds later, the Sansheeth’s machine does indeed explode. Luckily, Sarah and Jo escape the blast by jumping into the Doctor’s lead-lined coffin. Colonel Karim, on the other hand, isn’t so lucky.

Sue: Don’t step on any severed human limbs, kids.

The crisis averted, it’s time for the Doctor to move on once again.

Sue: I miss Matt Smith. I’d almost forgotten how good he was.

When the TARDIS returns to Bannerman Road, Mr Smith announces its arrival to an empty room.

Sue: It’s as if we’re listening to audio for the visually impaired.

Jo Jones bids Sarah Jane Smith farewell, and the huge grin on Sue’s face says it all, really.

Sue: Harry Styles should stay. He should leave One Direction and join the Scooby Gang. He knows it makes sense.

It turns out Sarah Jane has been Googling the Doctor’s companions in her spare time.

Sue: Ian and Barbara!
Me: They never aged.
Sue: And they never will. Not when you lot keep watching them.

Cue credits.

Sue: Oh by the way, what a waste of a good rocket.

THE SCORE

Sue: It doesn’t get any better than that. That was proper Doctor Who. No, wait... That was proper Doctor Who for kids, which is even better. I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much, I almost want to cry.

10/10

Sue: Sarah Jane was such a great role model. It’s such a shame it had to end so suddenly. In an ideal world, that show would still be running today.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SUE

CONDUCTED: 23 November 2015

I’d like to thank all the Kickstarter backers who submitted a question for this interview. I wish I could have asked Sue everything, but one of the questions would have resulted in me spending the night on the couch, three of them would have ended in expensive lawsuits, and half a dozen of them were so obscure, even I couldn’t answer them. In the end, I whittled over 200 questions down to 20 and hoped for the best. And so, without any further ado:

Colin Davidson: How much of Jon Pertwee’s era do you actually remember at this point?
Sue: Quite a lot, actually.
Me: Go on, then.
Sue: Well, there’s Jo’s sandwich, for a start.
Me: Anything else? Go on, give me a list of things that sum up the Jon Pertwee era to you.
Sue: His stupid yellow car, Betsy.
Me: Betsy?
Sue: Yeah. And Jo. I liked Jo.
Me: Anything else?
Sue: Well, there was the Brigadier, and Benton. Oh, and the other guy who betrayed everyone.
Me: Yates.
Sue: Yes, him. And then there was the Master – he was in it all the time. And the Doctor wasn’t very pleasant. He killed the aliens quite a lot, and he could be really selfish when he wanted to be. And that’s about it. Can I go now?
Me: Do you remember any of the plots?
Sue: No. Do you?
Me: Moving swiftly on...
Richard Bairwell: If Jon Pertwee had been on HMS Hood when it was destroyed by the Bismarck, who would you have cast instead?
Sue: I have no idea. I didn’t watch that much television in the 1970s, so I have no idea who was around. Couldn’t they have asked Tom Baker to do it a bit earlier?
Andrew T Smith: Would Jon Pertwee have made a better James Bond than Roger Moore would have made a Doctor?
Sue: Ooh, that’s an interesting question, although I don’t think it would work either way. I don’t think you could cast Roger Moore as an asexual character, in the same way you couldn’t cast Jon Pertwee as a sexual one. I couldn’t see him bedding loads of women, basically. It would have been fascinating, though.
Steve Trimingham: The Third Doctor – sexist establishment ass, or old-school rebel anarchist?
Sue: (Without hesitation) The first one.
John Williams: Do you think more children's programmes should involve explorations of the male menopause and Buddhism?
Sue: No. One was more than enough.
Tony Stevens: Would you like to see Sean Pertwee cameo as the Third Doctor in New Doctor Who?
Sue: Yes, definitely.
Me: Don’t you think it would be a bit weird?
Sue: I think he wants to do it. Doesn’t he keep dressing up as his dad and posting images of himself online? I think he’d love to do it. It would be a lovely way to honour his dad.
Joanne Golding: If Neil was a character from the Pertwee era, who would he be?
Sue: Benton.
Me: (Appalled) Benton?
Sue: Yeah. Sorry.
Me: But... I... But...
Sue: Don’t dwell on it too much.
Josiah Rowe: Jo Grant – loveable ditz or ham-fisted bun vendor?
Sue: Aww, lovable ditz, definitely. Jo was lovely. I won’t hear a bad word said against her.
Earl Ecklund III: Will you ever forgive the Doctor for eating Jo's sandwich?
Sue: No. Never.
Barry Jobson: If they released an Alpha Centauri collector's figure/doll, would you let Neil display it in your house?
Sue: Only in our bedroom.
Tracy Lister: Recalling comments about Jon Pertwee's uncanny resemblance to your mum, which enemy would she have handled better than Jon Pertwee's Doctor, and how?
Sue: All of them.
Me: Any specific examples?
Sue: My mam was tough. She didn’t mess about. She would have sprinkled salt on the maggots and stepped on the spiders. There. Sorted.
Dafydd Morris: What did you think of Jon’s 1972 pop single?
Sue: I don’t think I’ve ever heard it. And if I have, I don’t remember it.
Me: I can fix that.

Three minutes later...

Sue: Did it chart?
Me: No.
Sue: I can’t say I’m surprised.
Me: And?
Sue: He sounds like Toyah crossed with Eminem. The music was all right, I suppose. It sounded like an 1970s version of Orbital.
JB Anderton: What do you think of Peter Capaldi's appropriation of Jon Pertwee's look?
Sue: I think he looks great.
Me: Could you imagine Peter Capaldi in a tartan cape?
Sue: Yes.
Me: And a frilly shirt?
Sue: Absolutely.
Me: Peter Capaldi could wear Colin Baker’s costume and you’d still love him to bits, wouldn’t you?
Sue: (Blushing) Pretty much.
Verity Bainbridge: Would any episode scores have increased if Paul Darrow had played Benton?
Sue: Not really, because I loved John Levene as Benton. I really did. I think Paul Darrow would have been a better Yates because you’d believe it when he turned bad. Do you know what I mean?
Stewart Smith: Do you think the Master is only doing it to get the Doctor's attention?
Sue: Yes, but not in a sexual way. He’s lonely. He wants the Doctor to be his friend.
Me: What about the suggestion they could be brothers?
Sue: Or sisters. Yeah, I could buy that, although you’d have to wonder why they’d never mentioned it before. They could be second-cousins, I suppose.
Nick Mays: Did your rather chippy, northern, left-wing leanings prejudice you against the Third Doctor?
Sue: No.
Me: Not even a little bit?
Sue: No.
Ian Smith: What position would this pompous Tory have in Cameron's cabinet?
Sue: Oh that’s easy. He’d be the Minister for Transport. He’d abolish the speed limit and put a hovercraft lane on the motorway. Probably.
Mark Masterson: Doctor Who was a completely different beast in the 1970s. The change to colour, the flamboyant actor, the Earthbound stories, the Master, etc. Given all these factors, and taking into account the aging of the show's original fan base, is it ever acceptable to carpet a bathroom?
Sue: (Laughing) Absolutely not!
Rachael Kedge: Does it surprise you that the Third Doctor’s stories have the highest average score in the experiment?
Sue: Not really. While it’s true I didn’t like Jon Pertwee’s Doctor very much – and that’s because of the writing, by way, not Jon Pertwee – the stories were really good. I remember them being quite adult and easy to relate to. I think it’s because he was stuck on Earth, which made it more scary and believable.
Paul Rhodes: Has anything funny or embarrassing ever happened to you in connection with the Jon Pertwee era?
Sue: No. Nothing at all.
Me: And finally, 16 people wanted to know this: is it the Master?
Sue: God, I hope not.

SUE’S SCORES

Spearhead from Space: Wonderful. 10/10

Doctor Who and the Silurians: Proper telly. 9/10

The Ambassadors of Death: Too long. 6/10

Inferno: The alternate reality was fascinating. 8/10

Terror of the Autons: Short. Colour. Nice. 8/10

The Mind of Evil: The Doctor was a git. 5/10

The Claws of Axos: It didn’t outstay its welcome. 7/10

Colony in Space: The alien creatures let it down. 6/10

The Dæmons: It didn’t do anything for me. 4/10

Day of the Daleks: What’s not to like? 9/10

The Curse of Peladon: Below average. 4/10

The Sea Devils: The music was a bit iffy. 7/10

The Mutants: I enjoyed that. 7/10

The Time Monster: The perfect end to the season. 8/10

The Three Doctors: I wasn’t that keen. 5/10

Carnival of Monsters: Very good indeed. 9/10

Frontier in Space: I can’t believe it isn’t over yet. 6/10

Planet of the Daleks: I’ve forgotten it already. 5/10

The Green Death: How do you follow that? 9/10

The Time Warrior: Stick your finger in his vent! 7/10

Invasion of the Dinosaurs: Edgy. 8/10

Death to the Daleks: The plot was horrendous. 5/10

The Monster of Peladon: I despair. 2/10

Planet of the Spiders: It didn’t make a lot of sense. 7/10

NEXT TIME

DAVROS

ZYGONS

A GIANT PRAWN

and THE WRONG LAND ROVER

in

THE MAD ONE:
THE WIFE IN SPACE VOLUME 4

Robot to The Invasion of Time

Foreword by David Quantick

June 2016

www.suemebooks.com
www.wifeinspace.com

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