The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary (Im Sorry I Havent a Clue)
Author: Graeme Garden; Tim Brooke-Taylor; Barry Cryer; Jon Naismith
Date: 2016-11-09 23:00:00+00:00
Publisher: Random House
Rights: All rights reserved

Contents

About the Book

Title Page

Introduction

Aa

Bb

Cc

Dd

Ee

Ff

Gg

Hh

Ii

Ji

Kk

Ll

Mm

Nn

Oo

Pp

Qq

Rr

Ss

Tt

Uu Vv

Ww

Xx Yy Zz

Foreign Words & Phrases

Abbreviations

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Book

Do words fail you? Never again, once you’ve become the proud owner of The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary.

Every word has a meaning, but over the years those meanings change. Dip into these helpfully illustrated pages and you’ll find many of the words you use every day without ever realising that their up-to-date definition is something entirely different.

Words like Bunny (rather like a bun), or Cherish (rather like a chair), Cardiology (the study of knitwear) or Buggery (the study of insects), Venezuela (a gondola with a harpoon) or Norway (a Geordie exclamation of surprise), Ivy (the Roman for ‘four’) or Faculty (cockney for ‘there’s no more PG Tips’).

Thanks to The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary you can now use familiar, everyday words in total confidence, fully appraised of their latest meanings. Happy wording!

Introduction

Whenever we come across an unfamiliar word, or whenever we need to check the true meaning or correct speling of a familiar word, where do we turn? We turn to the left. At least I do, because that’s where my bookshelf is to be found. And on my bookshelf, nestling between Adventures in Trigonometry and the I-Spy Book of Fruit Trees, there sits my copy of this very book, The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary.

The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary (or CUED for short) is the jewel in the crown of the Uxbridge University Press (or UUP for short). The UUP (Uxbridge University Press) first produced the CUED (Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary) in the year 1834, and it has remained on the best-selling Dictionary list every year since that date until 1835.

When sales of The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary (CUED) began to falter, the UUP (Uxbridge University Press) found itself under threat. However in 1836 it was rescued by the intervention of none other than Charles Dickens, the novelist. At that time the Dictionary (D) contained no less than 250 different words, and Dickens purchased all 250 of them for his own exclusive use, on condition that they were not to appear in any subsequent edition. Among the words he bought were ‘pickwick’ (a fussy or inquisitive person), ‘dorrit’ (a patch or shred of blanket) and ‘scrooge’ (to kiss with an excess of saliva).

Josiah Font loads ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ into the Uxbridge University Press (UUP)

With the money from the sale of words to Dickens, the Uxbridge University Press (UUP) could afford to employ a full-time lexicographer to expand and improve the CUED (Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary) and in the hands of Josiah Font it blossomed into the volume that you hold in your hands today.

Now, thanks to The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary (CUED) you no longer need to appear to be a chuzzlewit.

N.V.Q. de Ploma

Dean, Vice-Chancellor, Remedial Embroidery

fig.1 Archive

A4

A road made of paper

Abacus

Swedish swear word

Abatement

Downstairs storage area used by man with sinus trouble

Abattoir

Three-in-a-bed in a monastery

fig.2 Abattoir

Aberdare

To challenge Benny, Björn, Agnetha and Anni-Frid

Aberystwyth

A little me time while listening to ‘Dancing Queen’

Abigail

A large wind

Abort

Sea-faring vessel from the Midlands

Abscond

To steal someone’s cream tea

fig.3 Abscond

Academic

An outbreak of clarinet playing

Academy

School for complete bastards

Acapulco

Unaccompanied Mexican singing

Accomplish

A drunken sidekick

Acne

Borough in East London

Acolyte

Easy-listening clarinet music

Acoustic

A Scottish cattle prod

fig.4 Acoustic

Acropolis

Italian for ‘short back and sides if you’d be so kind’

Acupuncture

Very deliberate tyre slashing

Adamant

The very first male ant

fig.5 Adamant

Adder

Tasteless boast

Admission

Yet another sequel for Tom Cruise

Aerobic

Chocolate biro

Aerofoil

Chocolate wrapper

Aerospace

Room for more chocolate

Aetiology

The study of food

Affiliation

Affair with a horse

fig.6 Affiliation

Aficionados

Charity home for orphan fish

Aggregate

Farming scandal

Agog

A half-finished Jewish temple

fig.7 Agog

Albino

Spanish kids’ comic

Alcopops

Alcoholic dads

Alfalfa

A dominant male with a stammer

Algebra

A brassiere made out of kelp

fig.8 Algebra

Algorithm

Former Vice President on drums

Alimony

With lemon

Alkaline

A queue at Alcoholics Anonymous

Alligator

Someone who accuses you of things

fig.9 Alligator

Allocate

How you greet the Duchess of Cambridge

Alone and forlorn

A borrowed mowing machine

Alpaca

What Italians say when they go on holiday

Alpenhorn

Muesli with dirty bits

Already

Suffering from sunburn

Altercation

1. To change holiday plans

2. Holiday for a vicar

Aluminium

A religious chorus for metal workers

Ambulate

A hearse

fig.10 Ambulate

Amish

Rather like an arm

Amstrad

Amateur violinist

Analogy

Something that makes you itchy and sneezy

Analyse

To examine someone’s backside

fig.11 Analyse

Angiogram

Irish folk singer

Animate

To grow too fond of your pets

Annex

Captain Mark Phillips

Announce

28 grams

Annunciate

To take holy orders loudly and clearly

Antelope

To run off with your mother’s sister

Anticlimax

Excited female relative

Antiquarian

A very old fish tank

Antique

The shrill cry of the ant

Aperitif

Cockney dentures

fig.12 Aperitif

Apex

Gorilla’s wristwatch

Apocalypse

Disastrous collagen injection

fig.13 Apocalypse

Apollo

Roman god of chickens

Apology

The study of iPad applications

Appendectomy

What Ant shouts when he wants a biro

Appetite

Cheerfully drunk

fig.14 Appetite

Approximate

A mistress

Arboretum

A dockside restaurant

Arcade

Noah’s charity

Arcane

Liverpudlian bamboo

Archery

Lying under oath and at all other times

Archive

Where Noah kept his bees

Argy-bargy

Owner of a narrow boat in Buenos Aires

Arizona

The person that Arry belongs to

Armature

An old pirate

Aromatic

A handy gadget used by Robin Hood

Arrest

That long stick thing they use in snooker

Arresting

Jamaican bed

Arsehole

Cry of delight on hearing Marvin Gaye

Arsenal

The whole body

fig.15 Arsenal

Arsenic

Result of sitting on a razor blade

fig.16 Arsenic

Arson

Seated

Artefact

Pretentious statistic

Artery

Shooting arrows at paintings

fig.17 Artery

Artichoke

To suppress a cough while
at the theatre

Article

To tease a pirate

Artistry

History of art

Asbestos

Greek Anti-Social Behaviour Order

fig.18 Asbestos

ASBO

Is courting

Asperger’s syndrome

A tendency to overuse laxatives

Aspersion

Iranian donkey

Asphalt

Constipation

Aspic

Don’t do that

Aspire

The pointy bit on a church

Assailant

A cut-price insect

fig.19 Assailant

Assassination

An arrangement to meet a donkey

Assert

A sure winner

Asshole

Suddenly remembering the capital of South Korea

Assimilate

To pretend to be a donkey

Asterisk

The chances of being hit by an asteroid

Asthmatic

Electric bidet

fig.20 Asthmatic

Asymmetry

Place where you bury stiffs

Atomiser

Someone who hoards his molecules

Atrophy

Something you win at sport

fig.21 Atrophy

Audi A4

What you say when you drop a heavy ream of paper on your foot

fig.22 Audi A4

Autobiography

A car service book

Autocue

Traffic jam

Automat

October headwear

Avocado

To do one’s supermarket shopping online

Avoidable

What a cow with a headache does

AWOL

A dyslexic owl

fig.23 Bauhaus

B&B

A hive with a population of two

Bacchanalian

To bet on a Martian

fig.24 Bacchanalian

Bacteria

Returning more upset than when you left

Badminton

Dodgy English porcelain

Baguette

A little bag

fig.25 Baguette

Bakery

Rather like a baker

Balalaika

A fan of Swan Lake

Balderdash

A rapidly receding hairline

fig.26 Balderdash

Ball-bearing

The side a gentleman dresses

Balloon

An inflatable Belgian

Baltic

Involuntary testicular spasm

Baltimore

To ask for seconds in an Indian restaurant

Bandaging

Rolling Stones

Banquette

A tiny shag

Banshee

Gentlemen’s club

Baptise

Neckwear made of bread rolls

fig.27 Baptise

Baptist

A junior hamburger chef

Barbecue

Long wait for a haircut

fig.28 Barbecue

Barcode

A poem by a dog

Barman

1. A superhero who takes a very long time to notice anybody

2. A sheep impressionist

Barney

Rather like a barn

Barometric

Euro gardening aid

Barrel-organ

Brewer’s droop

Barrier

Even more like Barry than Barry is

Bathos

The anticlimactic musketeer

fig.29 Bathos

Battery

Where you leave your bat when you go on holiday

Battleaxe

A boon for constipated bats

Bauhaus

1. Buckingham Palace

2. Dog kennel

Bazaar

Barry the pirate

Bear-baiting

Nude fishing

Bearings

Yogi’s jewellery

fig.30 Bearings

Beaten

A posh school for bees

Beatitude

Stroppy mood common in teenage insects

Bedlam

A very special sheep

Beehive

What Australian teachers tell you to do

Beetroot

Scottish term for a second class trout

Beforehand

Insect tennis stroke

fig.31 Beforehand

Befuddle

A tight group of cattle

Begat

What you wear on a big ’ed

fig.32 Begat

Beginnings

A century at Lords

Beguile

A very broad church

Behemoth

An insect that makes holes in your jumpers and then fills them with honey

Beholder

To sing with ‘Slade’

Benign

What it’ll be after eight

fig.33 Benign

Bequest

A bee hunt

Bespoke

How baby bees are made

Beware

Clothing for bees

fig.34 Beware

Biased

Having four buttocks

Biceps

Sexually ambivalent mushrooms

Bicker

Like a ballpoint only more so

Bicycle

1. A double-headed corn-cutter

2. An icicle that swings both ways

fig.35 Bicycle

Bidet

Two days before D-Day

Bigamist

A larger than usual fog

Bigamy

That shows magnanimity on my part

Bigotry

A lumberjack’s boast

Bijoux

Source of kosher honey

fig.36 Bijoux

Bile

Australian bundle of hay

Binmen

People who were male but are now female

fig.37 Binmen

Biology

The science of why women shop

Biopsy

An organic gypsy

Biosphere

To purchase a ball

Bipolar

A bear; one day he’s grizzly, the next
day he’s all white

Birkenhead

Merseyside body snatchers

Biro

To purchase fish eggs

Bishopric

Unpopular member of the clergy

Bison

What Hollywood stars go to Africa for

Bizarre

Ruler of the Russian bees

Blame

Walking with a blimp

fig.38 Blame

Blatter

Someone who very nearly gets away with it

Bleach

A hole in the Great Wall of China

Blemish

The official language of Belgium

Blistered

A very satisfying bowel movement

fig.39 Blistered

Blistering

Someone you enjoy calling on the phone

Bloating

Jamaican whistle

Blogger

Computer-literate lumberjack

Bloodshed

A cheap place to get a transfusion

Boa constrictor

South African truss

Boing

A manufacturer of rubber aircraft

fig.40 Boing

Bollocks

Unsuccessful botox

Bombardier

An overly aggressive form of culling

fig.41 Bombardier

Bonus

What bankers get when they handle money

Boomerang

Show displeasure to a pudding

Bordeaux

To weary a deer

Bordello

Blasé greeting

Botham

Where Gatman lives

Botox

A seafaring bullock

fig.42 Botox

Bouffant

To heckle a typeface

Boulangerie

To heckle underwear

Boundary

Ungentlemanly behaviour

Boutique

To heckle wood

fig.43 Boutique

Brandish

What Sean Connery has for a nightcap

fig.44 Brandish

Brandy

Having a high sex drive and bow legs

Bratwürst

Dennis the Menace

Brexit

Breakfast cereal laxative

Briar patch

Something to help you overcome your craving for thickets

Bridget

A small bridge

Brisket

A fast moving old man

fig.45 Brisket

Britanny

A bit like Britain

Broadband

1. No fatties please

2. Fat musicians, e.g. The Obesity Rollers

Brocade

Medical assistance
for badgers

fig.46 Brocade

Bronchodilator

A very old horse

Brouhaha

A cup of tea that tastes funny

Buccaneer

What American pirates pay for piercing

Buffalo

Popular greeting at a nudist camp

Buggery

The study of insects

fig.47 Buggery

Bulletin

I’ve been shot

Bullfrog

Frenchman who talks rubbish

Bumblebee

Reserve Beadle

Bumbling

Jewellery for the buttocks

Bumpkin

A serviette used in the lavatory

Bumpy

A very loose bowel movement

Bungalow

Small building used for Berlusconi parties

Bungee

The one after bun ‘F’

fig.48 Bungee

Bunny

Rather like a bun

Buoyant

Adam Ant’s son

Burnish

A bit like a burn

Bustard

A very rude omnibus driver

Buttercup

Face down

fig.49 Buttercup

Butternut

Heads or tails

Buttonhole

One of the more uncomfortable body waxes

Buttresses

Especially lustrous bottom hair

Buzzard

Energetic panel game

fig.50 Childhood

Cabaret

A wide range of available taxis

Cabbage

The opinions of taxi drivers

Cabin

The taxi’s arrived

Cabriolet

A popular brand of milk chocolate

Cacti

Rubbish neckwear

fig.51 Cacti

Caddy

Rather like a cad

Cadillac

Having to carry your own golf clubs

Caesarean section

Part of a salad

Cage fighter

Angry hamster

Campervan

Van with more sequins than most

Canapé

Scottish inability to settle bills

Canary

Extremely hirsute

fig.52 Canary

Candid

Past tense of ‘can do’

Cannelloni

Scots refusal to give one an overdraft

Cannibal

Shrewd Aberdeen Angus

Cannibalistic

A Geordie missile

fig.53 Cannibalistic

Canoodle

To fondle in a small boat

Canopy

Scots complaint

Cantaloupe

Unable to run off and get married

Cantankerous

Chain of shops that sell tanks

fig.54 Cantankerous

Canteen

One who has reached the age of consent

Canticle

The only skill listed on Mr Tickle’s CV

Cantilever

The switch on an electric horse

Capable

Two things you need to be a matador

Capsule

Better than Christmas

Caramel

Toffee with one hump

fig.55 Caramel

Cardamom

Mother’s Day card

Cardiac

Somebody who knows a hell of a lot about cardigans

Cardiology

The study of knitwear

Carmelite

Entry-level Buddhism

Carpentry

A ‘way in’ for ornamental fish

fig.56 Carpentry

Carping

Imitating a fish

fig.57 Carping

Cashew

A nut that makes you sneeze

Castanets

What Italian fishermen do

Castigate

To have a nasty accident climbing into a field

Catacomb

Feline grooming service

Catalyst

A three-legged moggie

fig.58 Catalyst

Catastrophe

1. Feline punctuation

2. Feline Rear of the Year Award

fig.59 Catastrophe

Catatonic

Medicine for your pussy

Catchphrase

Howzat!

Catharsis

Bums on seats at mass

Cathartic

When the bag freezes

Caustic

Good heavens, a twig!

Celery

A bit like a cellar

Celtic

A prison for fleas

fig.60 Celtic

Cemented

The world’s least popular cuddly toy

Cenotaph

A Welsh laxative

Cesspit

Brad’s unsavoury brother

Chagrin

To smile broadly during intercourse

Chairs

A toast by the Queen

Chaise longue

That woman’s very tall

fig.61 Chaise longue

Chameleon

Half camel, half lion

Champagne

To pretend to be hurt

Charabancs

The cleaning lady’s a goer

Charlady

Joan of Arc

Chary

Rather like a chair

Chatanooga

Talk about confectionery

Château

Cat’s piss

Chatelaine

Couldn’t get home in time

fig.62 Chatelaine

Chauffeur

What can happen when you exit your car without knickers

Cheapskate

A fish that does budgie impressions

fig.63 Cheapskate

Chepstow

A digit at the end of a
gentleman’s foot

Cherish

Rather like a chair

Childhood

Very young gangster

Chinchilla

An air-conditioned beard

fig.64 Chinchilla

Chipmunk

A friar

fig.65 Chipmunk

Chiropractice

Getting ready to go to Egypt

fig.66 Chiropractice

Choosy

A bit like toffee

Chutney

No man’s land between Chiswick and Putney

Chutzpah

A character in Shakespeare’s Henry V

Ciabatta

The wookie in Star Wars

Circular

Performing vampire

fig.67 Circular

Circumflex

To cut the end off a piece of wire

Circumnavigation

Jewish ritual on a cruise liner

Circumspect

The point of view of a rabbi

Cistern

A toilet painted by Michelangelo

fig.68 Cistern

Claimant

An insect that’s had an accident at work

Clamour

Mallet for opening clams

Clamp

To applaud while wearing gloves

Claptrap

A condom

Clarify

To refine the Grundys

Clarity

A bit like red wine

Claustrophobia

Irrational fear of being stuck in a lift with Father Christmas

fig.69 Claustrophobia

Clematis

Not quite what you’re trying to find

Climate

First instruction at mountaineering school

Cloister

A pretentious clam

Co-opt

Brainwashed by a leading supermarket chain

Cockaleekie

Prostate problem

Cocker spaniel

At your peril

Cockney

Damage to the patella from a long penis

Cockroach

Particularly nasty personal infestation

Cocoa bean

An ex-clown

fig.70 Cocoa bean

Coconut

Chocoholic

Codicil

1. This fish is unwell

2. Buffalo Bill’s window box

fig.71 Codicil

Coffee

A person who is coughed upon

Cogitate

Art gallery for the elderly

Cognac

To deceive a long-haired cow

Coiffeur

A pretentious drinker

Coincidental

Having matching teeth

Coitus interruptus

Deck games on the Titanic

fig.72 Coitus interruptus

Colander

Mr and Mrs Sell

Colgate

Scandal involving our pianist

Collier

Like a collie but even more so

Colliery

Sort of like a collie but even more so

Collusion

A well-planned collision

Collywobbles

A three-legged
sheepdog

Colonnade

A fizzy enema

Colony

Like him on the piano

Comatose

1. Foot’s gone dead

2. What a beautician does to a lady with a lot of unwanted hair

fig.73 Comatose

Combat

An aggressive marsupial

Comforting

Jamaican lost property

Commonplace

Essex

Conceited

A prisoner on a chair

Conclude

An obscenely shaped nose

fig.74 Conclude

Concourse

Lessons in swindling

Concubine

A porcupine with a big nose

Concurrent

An object that looks like a raisin, but isn’t

Condense

To fool the stupid

Condescending

A prisoner in a lift

Condescension

Patronising droplets on a window

Condom

Tory tax exile

Condominium

A birth control device made from metal

fig.75 Condominium

Confirm

An aroused prisoner

Congo

Constipation

Consent

Fake perfume

Context

A prison library book

Contextualise

To send fraudulent text messages

Contraband

US-backed counter-revolutionary orchestra

Contradiction

How Nicaraguan rebels speak

Conurbation

What convicts do alone in their cells late at night

Coolant

An ant wearing sunglasses

fig.76 Coolant

Copper

More like a policeman

Copulate

The time it takes the police to show up in an emergency

Coquette

A tiny little penis

fig.77 Coquette

Cormorant

An ant who likes a mild curry

Cormorants

Good heavens, extra insects!

fig.78 Cormorants

Cornucopia

Coming to terms with your foot ailment

Correspondent

Sent into depression by Coronation Street

Corridor

Entrance to the Rover’s Return

Corrode

Good heavens, a lyric poem!

Corsage

Blimey, it’s a copper!

Cortisone

What the solitary angler did

Counterpane

Someone working in the Post Office

Countryside

To kill Piers Morgan

County Down

A Chinese space launch

Coupé

A wig for a car

fig.79 Coupé

Courgette

Look, an aeroplane!

Courtesy

Dog to visit

Coypu

What is done behind a bush at a picnic

Crab-apple

An apple that falls sideways from a tree

Crackerjack

A device for raising biscuits

fig.80 Crackerjack

Cranium

Gymnasium for cranes

Crèche

A car accident in Woking

Credit crunch

The world’s worst-selling breakfast cereal

Crème brûlée

The crematorium’s on fire

Crepuscular

A pancake that’s spent too long in the gym

Crescendo

Termination of child care

Crocus

A foul-mouthed bird

fig.81 Crocus

Croquette

A tiny little crocodile

Cross-country

Iran

fig.82 Cross-country

Crucifix

Religious adhesive

Crudity

A sea shanty

Cruise control

Scientology

Crumpet

Small animal made of dough

Crystalline

Go too far in New Zealand

Crystallise

A retirement gift for Lord Nelson

Cubic

A biro that you can play snooker with

fig.83 Cubic

Cubicle

A square bicycle

Cuckold

So chilly you stutter

Culotte

Post Office

Curate

A doctor

fig.84 Curate

Curator

Someone who assesses snooker equipment

Curlicue

Welsh dog

Cursory

Where small children learn to swear

Custard

To swear after stepping in something

Cuticle

1. Sexual harassment at the Post Office

2. A rather nice testicle

Cyanide

To exhale noisily then conceal oneself

Cyrillic

Similar to Cyril

fig.85 Domineering

Dace

What the Queen uses to play board games

Daewoo

Host of Supermarket Sweep

Damnation

Holland

fig.86 Damnation

Dandelion

A big camp cat

fig.87 Dandelion

Dashboard

Selectors for the 100 metres

Database

Place where Lonely Hearts hang out

Daunting

Sunrise in Jamaica

Dayglo

Shiny Spaniard

Debasement

De room under de ground floor

Debrief

Remove underwear

fig.88 Debrief

Decade

Ant

Decadence

Ten times as stupid

Decaff

Where you get de coffee

Decant

All-purpose TV presenter

Debating

Where ships anchor in Jamaica

Decanter

What Jack does before
he breaks into a gallop

Decease

To stop stopping

Decentralise

Jack, the cyclops

Decrease

Do the ironing

fig.89 Decrease

Decreased

Jack in hysterics

Deduce

What you get when you squeeze de lemon

Defamatory

Hard of hearing but still frisky

fig.90 Defamatory

Defeat

Jack’s party trick

Defective

Policeman with a speech impediment

Defibrillate

To interpret the meaning of Jeffrey Archer

Definite

Street slang for ‘hard of hearing’

Deft

Absolutely mad

Defunct

To have had one’s sense of rhythm removed

Defuse

De circuit breaker in de plug

Dehydrate

De cost of skinning an animal

Delaware

To have seen Only Fools And Horses

Delegate

Scandal involving a food shop

Deliberate

To lock up

Delicate

A self-assembly food shop

Delighted

Extinguished

fig.91 Delighted

Delivery

De outfits of de palace staff

Demand

Recently widowed

Demister

Castration device

Demistifier

Retired magician

fig.92 Demistifier

Demonic

Her Majesty de Queen

Dentist

Someone who repairs car bodywork

Dependable

A confident swimmer

Dependent

De hole made by de biro

Depressant

The ant who works for the Daily Mail

Derelict

Pleasant experience in Ireland

Descant

An ant with an office job

fig.93 Descant

Descent

To remove the smell

Deserted

The pudding’s done a runner

fig.94 Deserted

Detonation

A country that owes a lot of money

Diabetes

To drop dead while making eyes at an insect

fig.95 Diabetes

Diabolical

A Welsh make of wine

Diagnose

A proboscis which starts on the top right of the face and finishes on the bottom left

Diagnostic

Welshman unsure if God exists

Dialogue

An awful piece of wood

Diamante

Way to start letter to wartime Field Marshal

Diarrhoea

Ugly bum

Diary

Disappointing ecstasy tablet

Dichotomy

Surgical procedure for the removal of an unwanted Welshman

Dictaphone

Someone you don’t like calling

Dictating

To leak milk from an unusual place

Dictator

An amusingly shaped root vegetable

fig.96 Dictator

Dictionary

The rude version of Pictionary

Diffident

Novelty toothpaste

Digest

Welsh clown

fig.97 Digest

Digression

Welsh fighting talk

Diktat

Shoddy condom

Dilate

To live long

Dilatory

Conservative sex aid

Dildo

Pickled pastry

Dilute

Welsh musical instrument

Diphthong

Underwear fondue

Direct

Ruined by a Welshman

Direction

An aroused Welshman

Disability

To criticise ability

Disappear

To insult a lord

Disconsolate

A particular embassy

Discount

To make clear which member of the nobility
you are talking about

fig.98 Discount

Discover

Jamaican for duvet

Disdain

To be rude to someone from Denmark

Disgruntled

A pig with laryngitis

fig.99 Disgruntled

Disgusted

The wind has dropped

Disillusion

To slag off the work of David Copperfield

Dismiss

To be rude to teacher

fig.100 Dismiss

Dispersal

To slag off a washing powder

Dissuade

To insult Hush Puppies

Ditto

The Marx Brother who got fired because he was too samey

Diverging

Unsuccessful Welsh lothario

Docile

Where they keep the medications in a supermarket

Doctrine

Your GP has arrived

Dodo

A repeat of The Simpsons

Dog pound

Seventh of a human pound

Dogma

A bitch

fig.101 Dogma

Dogmatic

A dog without a clutch

Doldrums

Percussion for the unemployed

Domineering

An earring shaped like a domino

Dominion

A baker’s assistant

fig.102 Dominion

Doodah

A cool pirate

Dossier

A terribly posh tramp

Doughnut

Eccentric millionaire

Download

Aftermath of a heavy Indian meal

Downsize

Unit of feather measurement

fig.103 Downsize

Dreadlocks

Fear of canals

Dressage

A cross-dressing police officer

Dubai

Debbie from Birmingham

Dukedom

Aristocratic birth control aid

Dullard

A boring duck

fig.104 Dullard

Dumbstruck

A white van

Dumpling

A small dump

Dunderhead

Exclamation by a sculptor after he has finished
the top part of a bust

Dunstable

To have shaved

Dynamite

To take a flea out for lunch

fig.105 Dynamite

Dyspepsia

The inability to distinguish between different
brands of cola

fig.106 Enrage

Earache

Yorkshire expression of surprise at seeing
garden implement

Early

Rather like an earl

Earwig

A present for someone who’s got everything

fig.107 Earwig

Easily

Like an easel

Eastertide

What goes in and out on the Yorkshire coast

Ebola

Yorkshire ’at

Eclipse

Devices for holding electronic documents together

Economist

Cheap fog

Ecstatic

Now moving

fig.108 Ecstatic

Eczema

No longer your mother

Edam

Mild Yorkshire expletive

Eerie

A bit like an ear

Eeyore

A prostitute who advertises on the internet

Effigy

Colin’s musical range

Egalitarian

One who only eats birds of prey

Egocentric

The yolk

Egregious

King of the eggs

fig.109 Egregious

Egret

An apology sent by computer

Eiderdown

A sad duck

Ejaculate

Yorkshire greeting to husband on
delayed return from t’mill

Elate

A Spanish rowing crew

Elegy

An inflammatory reaction
to poetry

Elemental

Spanish village idiot

fig.110 Elemental

Elevenses

A Welsh bullfighting family

Elfish

Spanish seafood

Eliminate

Yorkshire exclamation on seeing a fizzy drink

Email

Yorkshire for ‘the postman’s arrived’

Emboss

To promote to the top

Emeralds

Green piles

Emotions

Virtual dumps

Enamour

What you use to bang nails in

fig.111 Enamour

Encounter

Where they sell chicken in the supermarket

Encyclopaedia

To be sexually attracted to small bikes

Endorse

Loser in the Grand National

fig.112 Endorse

Engineer

A parking space next to your house

Enquire

A group of singing chickens from the East End

Enrage

A row about poultry in the East End

Entente cordiale

A happy French camper

Entities

An indeterminate number of breasts

Entrechat

A bisexual cat

Enunciate

To take holy orders loudly and clearly

Epilogue

A cheerful piece of wood

fig.113 Epilogue

Equidistant

An ant who’s been slagged off by a horse

Equip

Internet witticism

Erectile

Where they keep the Viagra in the supermarket

Ersatz

Somerset milliner

fig.114 Ersatz

Esplanade

To attempt an explanation while drunk

Ethics

The place where girls with white stilettos live

Etiquette

What you get for a parking offence
in South Africa

Eureka

BO

fig.115 Eureka

Euthanasia

Young people in China

Evacuate

What you say to a Yorkshireman who’s just swallowed a hoover

Evanescence

A Welshman who glows in the dark

Evil

The opposite of ‘evon’t’

Excalibur

Former drinker of non-alcoholic beer

Exceed

A plant

fig.116 Exceed

Exchequer

Someone who counts the kisses on an email

Exclaim

Alimony

Excommunication

Drunk texts from an old girlfriend

Excrete

Formerly resident on a Greek island

Expert

Former Page 3 girl

Expense

Old money

fig.117 Expense

Expensive

No longer thoughtful

Explain

Concorde

Extemporary

Permanent

Extension

Bumping into an old flame with your current partner

Extort

Having left school

Extractor fan

Former lover of agricultural equipment

Eye-glass

A goblet made by Apple

fig.118 Eye-glass

Eyebrow

Digital forehead

Eyeliner

A big ship made by Apple

Eyeopener

Batsman made by Apple

Eyesore

A carpentry tool made by Apple

fig.119 Eyesore

fig.120 Flatulence

Faculty

Cockney for ‘there’s no more PG Tips’

Faint

Vulgar version of ‘fisn’t’

Fajitas

What they use gas for in Newcastle

Fallacy

Amusingly shaped

Falsetto

Fake ice cream

Farage

A garage that won’t accept Volkswagens

Farcical

A bike that makes you look stupid

fig.121 Farcical

Farting

Something a long way from an Irishman

Fastidious

A very ugly sprinter

fig.122 Fastidious

Faux pas

He’s not your dad

Feckless

An Irish virgin

Fecund

The one before ‘fird’

Fedex

Blimey, you got fat since we broke up

Felching

A successful insurance claim after tripping on the pavement

fig.123 Felching

Felony

Stumbled and landed on leg joint

Female

Chemical name for Iron Man

Fervent

A device required when tumble-drying cats

fig.124 Fervent

Fiasco

Unsuccessful wall painting

Fibre-optics

1. The healthy alternative to eye candy

2. Bartenders’ measures for muesli

fig.125 Fibre-optics

Fibreboard

Fed up with a healthy diet

Fibula

A small lie

Fiddledeedee

Jack’s violin

Fielding

To find a bell in the dark

Figurine

Butter substitute made from figs

Filibuster

Clumsy vet

fig.126 Filibuster

Filipino

Brian’s lesser known brother

Fillip

A great boost for the Queen

Filofax

Pastry so thin you can send it by telephone

Finalise

A better class of untruths

Finesse

A lady from Finland

First

The one before ‘fecund’

Fish

A bit like an F

Fishiest

Someone who doesn’t believe in cod

fig.127 Fishiest

Five-aside

To kill a boy band

Fixate

To sabotage a rowing crew

Flabbergasted

Appalled at your weight gain

Flagrant

A tramp with a whip

fig.128 Flagrant

Flashpoint

Hampstead Heath

Flatterer

A rolling pin

Flattery

Where you leave your flat when you go on holiday

Flatulence

An emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steam roller

Flaubert

Andy Capp’s stash of Polaroids of the wife

Flemish

Prone to spitting

Flippant

An insect that maximises its expense claims by re-designating its second home

Flippertygibbet

Dolphin gallows

fig.129 Flippertygibbet

Flirt

A vehicle driven by a Geordie milkman

Floral

Foreplay on the carpet

Florida

More red in the face

Flotilla

An amphibious ape

fig.130 Flotilla

Fly tipping

Giving gratuities to insects

Foaming

Dodgy Chinese porcelain

Foible

Something coughed up by a New York cat

Follicle

A tiny little ruin built on a small hill

Fondue

An affectionate sheep

fig.131 Fondue

Foodstuff

The meat is hard to cut

Footstool

What you get when you step in dog poo

Forbearing

A group of pregnant women

fig.132 Forbearing

Forebear

Look out, there’s a bear on the golf course!

Forebears

A really terrible night for Goldilocks

Forecast

To have cutlery protruding from your posterior

fig.133 Forecast

Foreskin

To compel a relative

Fornication

Communication between golfers

Forswear

Army uniform

Fossilise

When it’s too late for glasses

Founder member

Result of rummaging in your Y-fronts

Foxglove

Basil Brush

Foxtrots

Bowel disorder brought on by hunting

Francophile

Spanish dictator’s medical records

Frankincense

To annoy Frank

Freebie

An unattached insect

fig.134 Freebie

Freemasonry

To liberate concrete

Frigate

A ship that nobody cares about

Frogmarch

Third month in the French calendar

Frog-spawn

Blue movies for the French

Frowning

Herr Ning’s wife

Frugal

A search engine for fruit

Fulfil

To fill full

Fundamentalist

To give money to David Icke

Funding

A humorous door chime

Fungal

Good female company

fig.135 Fungal

Fungi

Good male company

Furnish

A bit like a fern

Fuselage

Not many that big

fig.136 Guacamole

Gandhi

A bow-legged ventriloquist

Gangster

A criminal pasty

Gap

In which a ventriloquist serves his burger

Garden hose

Graeme’s lady friends

Gargoyle

An olive-flavoured mouthwash

fig.137 Gargoyle

Gasket

Where a ventriloquist puts his shopping

Gastric

Lighting a fart

Gastric band

A wind ensemble

Gastronome

A diminutive foodie

Gastronomy

The study of Michelin stars

Gateau

A French ventriloquist’s boat

Gaucho

Argentinian Marx brother

Gazette

A baby antelope

Gear

What ventriloquists drink in pubs

Gearstick

Glue for clothes

Geiger counter

Where to buy geigers in a
department store

Gelatine

A device for cutting the heads off Jelly Babies

fig.138 Gelatine

Genealogy

What makes Aladdin sneeze

fig.139 Genealogy

Genteel

Chivalrous fish

fig.140 Genteel

Gentile

Where they keep the men’s
products in a supermarket

Geranium

The cry of the Parachute Regiment’s flower arranging display team

fig.141 Geranium

Geriatric

Three goals scored by Germans

Germanic

Mad virus

Germinate

Klaus is full

Germination

A very unhealthy country

Ghost

Expression of astonishment in an Indian restaurant

Ghoulish

Hungarian stew that comes back to haunt you

Giblets

Tiny little scaffolds

fig.142 Giblets

Giggle

Very small music event

Gigolo

Jennifer Lopez running

Gingivitis

Compulsive dancing in red-heads

Glade

A ventriloquist’s knife

Gladiator

Unrepentant cannibal

Glamorgan

Male version of the vajazzle

Gloating

Jamaican lightbulb

Global

Male bovine near Sellafield

Globular

An overweight vampire

fig.143 Globular

Gnu

Opposite of g-old

Goatherd

Exclamation while flushing

Goblet

A small mouth

fig.144 Goblet

Gondolier

Something you catch from a boatman

Gonorrhea

Behind with the rent

Gooseberry

A big duck’s hat

fig.145 Gooseberry

Granary

An old folk’s home

Grandee

Jack’s grandmother

Grandiloquent

Naughty old lady

Grandstand

Granny’s been to the solarium

Granite

Game of tag played in an old folk’s home

Granule

Father Christmas’s mother

Grasshopper

Useless lawn mower

Grating

Jamaican elephant

Grave digger

Serious enthusiast

Gravy

Close to death

fig.146 Gravy

Gregorian

Either of the Chappell brothers

Gringo

Mexican traffic lights

Gripe

What Australians make wine from

fig.147 Gripe

Groin

The ‘go’ light in Birmingham

Grumbling appendix

The space at the back of a book for complaints

Guacamole

A Mexican visitor to Toad Hall

Guitar

A grumpy old pirate

Gurgle

To steal a ventriloquist’s dummy

Gyroscope

A device for locating dole money

fig.148 Hobgoblin

Hacksaw

A tabloid report

Haddock

An enclosure for sea horses

fig.149 Haddock

Haemorrhage

A line of piles

Hagiology

The study of old bags

Haiku

Pigeon on helium

Hailstone

Formal greeting to Sir Mick Jagger

Hairspray

Incontinent German

Hairy

A bit like a German

Halitosis

Smelly comet

fig.150 Halitosis

Hamas

What Geordies use to bang nails in

Hammer

Vincent Price

Hamstring

Sexy underwear for a pig

Haphazard

Mind the hap!

fig.151 Haphazard

Harlequin

One of a set of five motor-bikes

Harlot

A pirate

Harmony

Cash paid to comedians

Harpist

Fairly drunk

fig.152 Harpist

Harpoon

Scottish bragging

Harvest

What you wear under a harshirt

Hat-trick

A pile of freshly mown hats

fig.153 Hat-trick

Haute cuisine

Porridge

Haywain

Essex greeting

Headwind

A burp

Heathrow

What a baggage handler does

Heave ho

Laughing till you’re sick

Hebrew

Jewish teabag

Hedgerow

Hedgehog eggs

Hee-haw

A male prostitute

Henceforward

Poultry advancing

fig.154 Henceforward

Henna

Like a hen but even more so

Herbicide

The murder of a Volkswagen Beetle

fig.155 Herbicide

Heresy

A Vatican pop group

Herpes

What my wife wins prizes for at the local flower show

Hiding

A bell you can’t reach

fig.156 Hiding

Himalaya

Hermaphrodite chicken

fig.157 Himalaya

Hindsight

Builder’s cleavage

Hippocampus

Large African mammals at Butlins

Hirsute

Ladies’ clothing

fig.158 Hirsute

Hispanic

Fear of snakes

Hither

A snake with a hair lip

Hittite

What Princess Anne will do if you get her riled

Hoarding

A prostitute’s microwave

Hobgoblin

1. Eating stoves

2.Antony Worrall Thompson

Hobnob

Cooking accident

fig.159 Hobnob

Hobnobbing

Casual sex with a goblin

Hoedown

Agricultural strike

Hogmanay

Someone who may be considered to have too large a collection of a particular impressionist painter

Hollyhock

Cheap Christmas wine

Hologram

Disappointing birthday stripper

Homophobe

Somebody who doesn’t like
The Simpsons

Homophobic

Allergic to Greek epic poetry

fig.160 Homophobic

Homophone

Gay chat line

Homosexual

Randy Simpsons fan

Honolulu

To give an MBE to a Scottish singer

Hootenanny

A goat with a big nose

Hopscotch

One-legged Glaswegian

fig.161 Hopscotch

Hormone

Professional fake orgasm

Hornby

A sexy bee

Horology

The study of prostitutes

Horseshoe

Cross between a stallion and a sheep

Horticulture

Grand opera

Hosanna

A loose girl’s name

Hosepipe

A dance by sailors wearing tights

Hospice

Equestrian discharge

Hospital

Prostitute’s lubricant

Hotpot

Stolen drugs

Huggermugger

One step up from Hug a Hoodie

Hullabaloo

How to greet a bear

fig.162 Hullabaloo

Humanitarian

Someone who only eats people

Humbug

Musical insect

fig.163 Humbug

Humdinger

A fly swat

Humphrey

A good sound system

Humpty Dumpty

One who is humped and dumped

Hundred

Fear of Germans

Hunky-dory

A butch fish

fig.164 Hunky-dory

Hurdy gurdy

Opposite of ‘his digurdy’

Hurricane

A riding crop

Hutzpa

Character in Shakespeare’s Henry V

Hyacinth

Elevated keyboard

Hydrangea

Warning from Tonto

Hydrant

An ant with three heads

fig.165 Hydrant

Hydraulics

To conceal the things that you rest your oars in

Hypocrite

Hippopotamus review

Hypotenuse

The upstairs lavatory’s engaged

Hysteria

Climbing plant that makes you laugh

fig.166 Iconoclastic

I Claudius

Digital emperor

Icelander

To tell lies about Apple

Icicle

A small bike made by Apple

fig.167 Icicle

Icicles

What an Eskimo has between his legs

Icon

Optical illusion

Iconoclastic

A rubber band for securing religious paintings

Iconography

Filthy Byzantine pictures

Idiomatic

Foolproof dish washer

Igloo

Digital adhesive

Ignoramus

Someone who is both stupid and an arse

Iguana

Inuit dwelling made of bird poo

Imitate

Pretend to be an art gallery

fig.168 Imitate

Impact

Pixie stand-up

Impair

The stuff that gets cut at a pixie barber’s

Impart

Pixie painting

Impeccable

Bird proof

fig.169 Impeccable

Impending

Death of a pixie

fig.170 Impending

Implication

An ointment for little pixies

Implode

Heavy luggage carried by a pixie

Imply

Untruth told by a pixie

Impolite

A pixie on fire

Import

What posh pixies drink after dinner

Important

The immigrant ant that the depressant doesn’t like

Importune

Jeremy Hardy

In denial

Where some Egyptians wash their clothes

Inadvertent

Sponsored camping

Incarnation

Immersed in condensed milk

fig.171 Incarnation

Incessant

An ant that’s sleeping with its sister

Incidental

False teeth overboard!

Income

Entrance

Increment

The opposite of excrement

Incumbent

MPs’ expenses

Indelible

A bull in Delhi

fig.172 Indelible

Indict

When the Queen is unsure about something

Indiscernible

We preferred Eric

Indulgence

At a boring urinal

Industrialize

To write the words ‘clean me’ on the back of someone’s van

Ineffable

Something you can’t swear about

Infantile

Where they keep the children’s products in a supermarket

Infantry

A baby oak

fig.173 Infantry

Inferno

Don’t wear mink

Inflate

Her Majesty’s plane has taken off

Inhabit

Dressed as a monk

fig.174 Inhabit

Injury

Late singer of The Blockheads

Innuendo

An Italian suppository

Insane

Where some Parisians wash their clothes

Insolent

Having fallen off the Isle of Wight ferry

Institute

A freeze-dried hooker

Insurance

To take out a policy on your ant farm

Insurgent

A washing powder for terrorists

Integrate

Answer to the question ‘where’s t’ coal?’

Integrates

A fireplace enthusiast

fig.175 Integrates

Intelligence

Urinal with a micro-processor

Intense

Camping

Intent

Determination to go camping

Intercede

Keen gardener

Intercontinental

A person who has wet himself all over the world

Interface

A sad expression put on at burials

fig.176 Interface

Interfere

Lover of horror movies

Interflora

Excited about margarine

Interlude

A mucky person

Intermittent

Where I go when camping

Internet

Where England footballers fail to put the ball

Interred

The position Prime Ministers often finds themselves in

Intifada

A chain of West Bank florists

Intimate

Tim dined at home

Intrude

Yorkshire for polite

Inverse

Rhyming

Invest

Bruce Willis

Investigate

Pensions scandal

Investment

Thermal underwear for bankers

Inviolate

Dressed in purple
iPod

Optical aid using peas

fig.177 iPod

Ipswich

What you turn your hip on with

fig.178 Ipswich

Iris

Short Dubliner

Isometric

I so absolutely don’t deal in yards, feet and inches

Isthmus

Yuletide in the years BC

Itching

Ancient Chinese book of dermatology

Ivy

Roman for ‘four’

fig.179 Ivy

fig.180 Judicious

Jacobites

Michael Jackson’s range of snacks

Jacuzzi

French for ‘I know who did that in the bath’

fig.181 Jacuzzi

Jasmine

Kenny Ball’s band

Jigsaw

Chaffing that affects the cast of Riverdance

Jihad

The cry of the fundamentalist cowboy

Jocular

Scots vampire

fig.182 Jocular

Judgemental

Two weeks community service for armed robbery

Judicious

Hebrew crockery

Judo

Kosher plasticine

Jugular

A busty vampire

Jukebox

What Philip wears for cricket

fig.183 Jukebox

Juniper

Did you bite that woman?

fig.184 Kirby grip

Ketchup

To draw level

Khaki

A device for starting an automobile

Killjoy

Gloomy East Anglian antiques dealer

Kilocycle

A bike with no saddle

fig.185 Kilocycle

Kimono

Yoko’s sister

Kindle

A state-of-the-art book that burns itself

King’s Cross Station

A royal lobster

fig.186 King’s Cross Station

Kinship

A ship you’re angry with

Kirby grip

North Yorkshire handshake

Kit-Kat

Self-assembly feline

Kittiwake

Vigil for a dead cat

Knacker’s yard

Enormous underpants

fig.187 Knacker’s yard

Knapsack

A sleeping bag

Knapweed

A damp sheet

Knee pads

Scottish turnip commercials

Knick-knack

An ability to steal

Knock-kneed

There’s no doorbell

Kookaburra

Stove-on-Trent

fig.188 Lactose

Laburnum

A French barbecue

fig.189 Laburnum

Laceration

Young woman’s speech

Lackadaisical

Bicycle made for one

Lacklustre

The French bunch

Lactic

A stopped clock

Lactose

1. A pobble

2. Frostbite

Ladder

Like a lad, but even more so

Laggard

A prison warder

Lamb shank

Sean Connery’s sheep has drowned

Lambada

A sheep with no legs

fig.190 Lambada

Lambasted

Illegitimate sheep

Lamentable

Yorkshire for ‘the Sunday roast is ready’

Laminated

Pregnant sheep

Lamination

New Zealand

fig.191 Lamination

Lampoon

A device for whaling at night

Lancelot

A doctor during a boil epidemic

Languid

Laid-back Welsh village

Laplander

A clumsy private dancer

Larder

Chubbier than most

Largesse

A large ‘S’

fig.192 Largesse

Lassitude

Bitten by a collie

Latest

An entrance exam for prostitutes

Latex

The French CID

Laundress

Grass skirt

fig.193 Laundress

Lavish

A bit like a toilet

Legal

A sixteen-year-old bird of prey

Leicestershire

Why shearers like small sheep

Leotard

An idiot in lycra

fig.194 Leotard

Leprechaun

A variety of wheat whose ears fall off

Liability

Political skill

Libel

Australian price tag

Lieutenant

Person renting your toilet

fig.195 Lieutenant

Lightsabre

An old fluorescent tube

Likeness

Highlands enthusiast

fig.196 Likeness

Limpet

A little limp

Lip-sync

A lady’s intimate wash basin

Liquorice

A bit like alcohol

Listless

Upright

Literally

To drop rubbish in a narrow passage

Liveable

Where Scousers come from

Livelihood

An exuberant gangster

fig.197 Livelihood

Liverpool

Organ sharing scheme

Livery

Rather like liver

Loafer

An idle baker

Loathing

An object on the bottom shelf

Lobster

A tennis player who favours high, deep shots

Lockjaw

The correct emergency procedure for disabling
Brian Blessed

Locomotion

A barely audible riot

Logarithm

Lumberjack on drums

fig.198 Logarithm

Loggerheads

Lumberjack fanatics

Logical

A very small masonic meeting house

Loiter

Device used by smokers in the West Country

Londonderry air

Pippa Middleton

Longitude

He should have cut it up smaller

Loofah

An outdoor toilet

Looming

An antique porcelain lavatory

fig.199 Looming

Loophole

A very long lavatory brush

fig.200 Loophole

Lovelorn

To be very, very fond of grass

Ludo

Filthy version of Cluedo

Lupine

An air freshener

Lymph

To walk with a lisp

fig.201 Lymph

Lyricist

A complaint suffered by songwriters

fig.202 Melancholy

Macadam

A Scottish brothel-keeper

Macarena

Scottish stadium

Macaroni

Inventor of the pasta wireless

Macaroon

To leave a Scotsman on a desert island

fig.203 Macaroon

Mace

What the Queen puts traps down for

Macho

Inflammable stick used by smokers in Spain

Magenta

Here comes the Queen

Maisonette

A tiny freemason

fig.204 Maisonette

Majestic

A sceptre

Making

Husband of May queen

Maladjusted

Lazy duck

Malady

A bit like a duck

Malcontent

Someone who’s perfectly happy with Malcolm

fig.205 Malcontent

Malfunction

A party in a shopping centre

Malleable

Suitable for matrimony in China

Malteser

Coming soon: a shopping centre!

Manchester

A specialist in cosmetic surgery for ladyboys

Mange tout

Seconds please

Mangoes

He leaves

Manifesto

Jewish conjuror

Manifold

Origami

fig.206 Manifold

Manoeuvre

Unused vacuum cleaner

Margate

The mother of all scandals

Mariachi

What you do when you’ve been engaged to Archie

Marigold

Get rich quick

Marinade

A soft drink for weddings

Marionette

What you do when you’ve been engaged to Annette

Maritime

When the wedding starts

fig.207 Maritime

Marmalade

The cry of a new-born chick

Marmite

An insect found on mothers

fig.208 Marmite

Marooned

The state you’re in after falling into a vat of plums

Martini

A very small supermarket

Mascot

Somewhere to sleep during a church service

Massachusetts

A large collection of dentures

Masseuse

A roomful of stutterers

Masticate

To enjoy yourself with a set of dentures

Mastication

Sealant abuse

Mastiff

1. A row during a church service

2. Boys at a Britney Spears concert

fig.209 Mastiff

Matador

Preparing the front of your house for muddy shoes

Maternity

Yorkshire for ‘it’s my go at golf’

Matricide

The danger of smoking in bed

Mattress

A female mat

Mayfly

A Virgin plane

Maypole

Possibly Polish

Meander

She and I

fig.210 Meander

Measles

What artists use for self-portraits

fig.211 Measles

Media

Tasting more strongly of mead

Megahertz

Extremely painful

Megawatt

PARDON!?

Melancholy

Funny-shaped dog

Membership

Amusingly-shaped boat

Memory stick

Amnesia

Memsahib

The same Swedish car

Menacing

A male voice choir

Mendacity

Urban renewal programme

Mendips

Cannibal buffet

fig.212 Mendips

Menstrual

Medieval musician who performs once a month

Merciful

Liverpool’s flooded

Merseyside

Killing of Scousers

Metaphorical

Encountered a lady for a short time

Metatarsals

Got together at Jeffrey Archer’s

Methane

How Macbeth introduces himself

fig.213 Methane

Metronome

A dwarf on the Paris underground

Miasma

The reason I have an inhaler

Mice

What the Queen says when she means one mouse

Microbe

A tiny little dressing gown

Microbiology

The study of shopping cheaply

Microfiche

Sardines

fig.214 Microfiche

Midwifery

Part-way through breaking wind

fig.215 Midwifery

Migraine

That corn doesn’t belong to you

Militate

A tiny little art gallery

Mingling

A junior minger

Minimal

Small shopping centre

Minion

A tiny shallot

Ministrate

Junior magistrate

Minsk

Camp Russian walk

fig.216 Minsk

Minuscule

Toddlers’ playgroup in Liverpool

Mirth

A French moth

Mischief

Head girl

Miscomprehension

Winner of the English Grammar Beauty Contest

Misfit

A great-looking teacher

Mishmash

What Sean Connery will do if he doesn’t get to church on Sunday

Misplace

Seafood beauty contest winner

Misprint

To run in the wrong direction

fig.217 Misprint

Missile

1. An air stewardess

2. Where they keep the feminine products in a supermarket

fig.218 Missile

Missing

A lady who is obsessed with gerunds

Mississippi

Wife of Mister Ippi

Missive

South African for ‘very big’

Mistake

Winner of a butcher’s beauty contest

fig.219 Mistake

Misty

To forgo the 4pm meal

Mitigate

A fantasy scandal

Mitosis

What’s on the end of my feetsis

Mobster

An aggressive crustacean

Module

Christmas with The Who

Mogadon

My cat’s a professor

fig.220 Mogadon

Molten lava

Maggot shedding its winter coat

Monkey

Rather like a monk

Monochrome

A bath with only one tap

Monogamy

Celebrating New Year in Scotland by yourself

Moonlit

Collective term for fashionable novels about the moon

Morass

Having put on weight

Morbid

Unhealthily addicted to auctions

Moreover

An overweight dog

fig.221 Moreover

Morrissey

A bit like a Morris Dancer

Mortar

The difference between Marlboro Reds and Marlboro Lights

Mosquito

A tiny place of Muslim worship

Motorist

A painful condition affecting drivers

Motorway

Device for removing those ditches around castles

Mountaineer

Task for a very specialized taxidermist

fig.222 Mountaineer

Mountebank

Careless driving

Moustache

Got to run

Mucus

A foul-mouthed cat

fig.223 Mucus

Multiple

To heat wine

Mumble

Unwanted mother you take to a secondhand shop

Mumps

Heaps of unwanted mothers

Muscatel

Smelly guest house

Mushrooms

What Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen does

Mutant

Cross between a cat and an insect

fig.224 Mutant

Mutate

An art gallery for cats

Mutineer

Deaf mystic

Myspace

A hole in the skirting board

Mystery

A bit like a man

Mystical

The daughter of Mr Tickle

Myth

A female moth

fig.225 Myth

fig.226 Negligent

Nanometer

A device for counting grannies

Nanotechnology

The wife of Grandad o’Technology

Natterjack

A telephone socket

fig.227 Natterjack

Navigate

Scandal concerning road diggers

Navigator

A crocodile that knows where it’s going

Neath

Things found in the middle of your legth

Nectarine

1. To swallow a huge bowl of soup in one go

2. Giraffe pâté

Negligent

Man who wears lingerie

Neighbourhood

The gangster next door

Nematode

An avenging frog

fig.228 Nematode

Neologism

Prehistoric ejaculate

Nescafé

A loch-side diner

Netherlands

Falls on her bottom

fig.229 Netherlands

Neutered

I’ve just been to the lavatory

New Delhi

Eleanor gets her kit off

Newcastle

To drop a hydrogen bomb on Piers Morgan

Nicaragua

Underwear for big cats

Niceties

Pleasant sofas

Nicorette

Skimpy briefs

Nicotine

To arrest a youth

fig.230 Nicotine

Nobleman

Eunuch

Noblesse

Somebody who didn’t meet the Pope on his recent visit

Noblesse oblige

Someone who’s quite happy that they didn’t meet the Pope on his recent visit

Nodule

Pistols at dawn is cancelled

Noisette

A small noise

Nomination

A country where they love their food

Non dom

A defective contraceptive

fig.231 Non dom

Nonchalant

Double booked at Butlins

Norfolk

Disappointing night out in Yorkshire

Norway

A Geordie expression
of surprise

Nosedive

Bad plastic surgery

fig.232 Nosedive

Notable

You’ll have to have your dinner on the floor

fig.233 Notable

Nurture

A Chas ‘n’ Dave song

Nutcase

A hat

Nutcrackers

Tight Y-fronts

Nutmeg

To assault the star of When Harry Met Sally

fig.234 Osmosis

O’clock

An Irish clock

Oatmeal

Three courses of haute cuisine

Obeisance

Irish washbowls

Obesity

Dallas

Obituary

Irish spitefulness

Oblique

Irish for desolate

Oboe

1. American tramp

2. Irish device for shooting arrows

Obscenity

VD tips

Occupants

Underwear for squatters

fig.235 Occupants

Odin

Irish noise

Offence

Irish railing

Offend

To circumcise

Officious

Irish cod

Offset

The regulatory body that inspects badgers

fig.236 Offset

Omelette

A small Buddhist

fig.237 Omelette

Omit

An Irish glove

Onesie

What the Queen calls a selfie

Online

Traditional method of drying washing

Onomatopoeia

The first sign of a weak bladder

Onus

A very round bottom

fig.238 Onus

Opening

Irish writing

Optical

To giggle during surgery

Optimist

The view through a cataract

Orchestral

Alternative bird of prey

Orchid

The son of a Brummie

Organ donor

A sub-standard kebab

Organism

An irrational prejudice against Wurlitzers

Orienteering

Court case in Japan

Orinoco

A citrus fruit flavoured chocolate beverage

Orthodontist

Those very devout dentists with the beards and the hats

fig.239 Orthodontist

Oscillate

Dame Edna hasn’t turned up

Osmosis

Early Australian prophet

Ostracise

About as big as an ostrich

fig.240 Ostracise

Otter

Nice weather in Yorkshire

Outrank

To be smellier than

Ovaltine

A fat adolescent

Overabundance

To waltz round a small bread roll on the ground

Overrate

Nine

Overture

Bridge on Yorkshire river

Ovulation

When the audience stand and throw eggs

Oxymoron

Stupid cow

Oyster

Someone who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

fig.241 Pandemonium

Paddy field

Irish cricketer

Padlocks

An Irish wig

Painful

Complete with windows

Paint

Vulgar version of ‘pisn’t’

Paintings

Jamaican paracetamol

Palaver

Complicated knitting pattern

Palisade

What the Queen drinks

fig.242 Palisade

Palmistry

Not knowing who your dad is

Palpitation

Indian preacher

Paltry

A skinny chicken

Pancreas

A gland located next to King’s Cross

Pandemonium

A black and white musical instrument that won’t breed in captivity

Pantaloon

Underwear fetishist

Panting

Jamaican cooking receptacle

Pantomime

Underwear for the hard of hearing

Pantry

What pants grow on

fig.243 Pantry

Papal

The Vatican system for donating online

Paper cut

Payment system for barbers

Parabolic

The effect of a too-tight parachute harness

Parachute

Exit for troopers leaving the barracks

Paradox

Flying doctors

fig.244 Paradox

Paraffin

Flying fish

fig.245 Paraffin

Parallax

Laxative for a parrot

Paramount

An over-attentive soldier

Paranoia

1. A fear of people dropping out of the sky

2. Dad gets on your nerves

Paranoid

An angry person who jumps out
of aeroplanes

Parapet

An airborne cat

fig.246 Parapet

Paraquat

A species of parrot that nobody likes

Parasites

Views from the Eiffel Tower

Parental

Dads for hire

fig.247 Parental

Parenthood

Split condom

Parkour

Prostitute who hangs round municipal gardens

Parsimonious

Indian singer

Parsley

A bit like a parcel

Parsnip

Dad’s vasectomy

fig.248 Parsnip

Participation

When your dad joins in

Particles

Ma’s taken her feather duster to him again

Particular

Fun-loving vampire

fig.249 Particular

Passport

Father’s race

Pasta

Italian priest

Pasteurize

Right inside your head

Pastiche

What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall

fig.250 Pastiche

Pastoral

Too old for foreplay

fig.251 Pastoral

Pastrami

The art of meat folding

Paterfamilias

Well-known comedy routine

Peanuts

Far worse than kidney stones

Pear tree

What posh poets like to write

Peccadillo

An armour-plated condom

fig.252 Peccadillo

Peckish

Rather like Gregory Peck

Pedicure

Medicine for children

Peewit

A funny piss artist

Peking duck

Evasive action taken by voyeur when fearing detection

Pending

The noise a novelty writing instrument makes

fig.253 Pending

Pendulous

When you can put a pen under it and it stays there

Pendulum

Storage room for biros

Penitent

Canvas condom

Pensive

Something you can write with
while draining the potatoes

Pentagram

Occult stripper

fig.254 Pentagram

Pentecost

The price of posh ladies’ knickers

Peperami

What Sergeant Pepper served in

Pepper pot

A pot belonging to one who stutters

Percussion

How Scottish soft furnishers are paid

Perfect

The cat’s pregnant

fig.255 Perfect

Perforce

Cat’s army

Peripatetic

A disappointing chilli sauce

Permeate

A curly-haired rowing crew

Permit

Cat skin glove

fig.256 Permit

Permutation

The theory of how hairdos evolved

Perpetuate

How Korean restaurants get paid

Persecute

Dandy dick

Persist

Rate set by doctors for removing growths

fig.257 Persist

Perspire

How a steeplejack gets paid

Perth

Where Chris Eubank keeps his cash

Pervade

Financial help for deviants

Perverse

How poets get paid

Perversion

The cat’s side of the story

Pesto

Athlete’s foot

Petal

Newcastle gasoline

Petulance

A vehicle that takes dogs and cats to hospital

fig.258 Petulance

Petulant

The ant who sang ‘Downtown’

Pharmacist

Old Macdonald had a boil

Pheromones

Tutankhamun’s complaints

Philander

The Duke of Edinburgh and the Queen

Philanthropist

A kindly drunk

Philharmonic

To feed the Queen

Phlegmatic

Battery-powered handkerchief

fig.259 Phlegmatic

Physiology

The study of lemonade

fig.260 Physiology

Physique

A Perrier enema

Piano

A musical shipping line

Picador

Find your own way out

Piccaninny

An election

Pie crust

What you get if you don’t polish your pike

Piece-meal

Dinner after a row

Pigsticking

Clockwork pork

fig.261 Pigsticking

Pile

Australian bucket

fig.262 Pile

Pilgrim

Depressive drug

Pillage

A pharmaceutically dependent village

Pillock

A small stupid hill

Pillory

Chemist

Pillow

Suppository too big?

Pinafore

A system of signalling at sea with aprons

fig.263 Pinafore

Pinnacle

The humane slaughter of kitchen aprons

Pinprick

Not well endowed

Piper

What Australians write on

Pistachio

Facial hair grown while drunk

Pistol

Entry fee for coin-operated public toilet

Piston

Taken advantage of

Pith helmet

Thorry, it wath an emergenthy

fig.264 Pith helmet

Pitter-patter

Someone who slaps Greek bread

Pity

A bit like a pit

Pixelate

An over-due elf

Placate

To calm an actress by offering her
a role in a Winslet biopic

Placebo

The Marx Brother who was fired because people only thought he was good

Placenta

Spanish kindergarten

Plainsong

‘Y Viva España’ on landing

Plaintiff

A row with a stewardess

Plantation

Bad police practice

Platitude

1. So hungry he ate the plate

2. The opposite of ‘plongitude’

fig.265 Platitude

Platypus

To give your cat pigtails

fig.266 Platypus

Plebiscite

Web page for common people

Plinth

Artist formerly known as having two speech defects

Plonker

Drinker of cheap wine

Plutocrat

Someone who votes for a Disney character

PMT

Afternoon refreshment

fig.267 PMT

Podcast

To fish with peas

Pointless

To reduce the amount of times you gesture with your finger

Pokemon

Jamaican proctologist

Polaroids

Inflammation caused by sitting on icebergs

Poldark

To canvass someone during a power cut

Police

Chamber pot rental

Polish

What not to call the police after a few
drinks as you get into your car

Politician

A parrot named after a painter

Poltroon

Parrot from Scotland

fig.268 Poltroon

Polygamist

Two-timing parrot

Polygamy

The ancient art of wife-folding

Polymath

Numerate parrot

Polynesia

Forgetting lots of things

Polypropylene

That parrot’s terribly thin

Polyunsaturated

A dry parrot

Pomegranate

Australian expression used to describe English stone

Pom-pom

Australian word for English twins

fig.269 Pom-pom

Ponderous

Shop that sells ponds

fig.270 Ponderous

Pontefract

To theorise about Yorkshire

Pontificate

A lecture on French bridges

fig.271 Pontificate

Poplar

A tree everybody likes

Poppadom

A contraceptive made from bubble wrap

Poppycock

A streaker on November 11th

fig.272 Poppycock

Porcupine

A reluctant vegetarian

Porpoise

Dolphin on a mission

Porsche

Really, really posh

Portal

To offer Mr Capone an
after-dinner drink

Portent

A leaky marquee

Portly

Shaped like a harbour

Post modern

Emails

Posterity

Inherited bottom size

Posthumous

The act of delivering Greek food by mail

Postmistress

Sex by correspondence course

Postulate

New name for Royal Mail

fig.273 Postulate

Potent

A camping convenience

Potpourri

Aroma of dried Telly Tubby

fig.274 Potpourri

Poultry

A small amount of chickens

Preach

Soft fruit with a speech defect

Preamble

To get ready for a walk

Precipice

Push-button toilet

Precipitate

An art gallery on a cliff

fig.275 Precipitate

Precursor

One who swears in advance

Prehensile

An island formerly occupied by chickens

Pre-Raphaelite

One who leaves before the raffle

Pretence

The days before camping

Pretext

Letters and phone calls

Primark

A first coat of paint applied by Noah

Primula

A rather prudish vampire

fig.276 Primula

Privilege

An outdoor loo on the tenth floor

Problematic

Dodgy loft conversion

Proboscis

Against the workers

Prodigal

To poke a seabird

fig.277 Prodigal

Produce

In favour of squash

Proficiency

In favour of salt-water wildlife

Profiteering

Controversial item of jewellery in the shape of Mohammed

Profundity

In favour of a comic song

Programme

I so absolutely don’t do stones, pounds and ounces

Prolapse

In favour of having your dinner in front of the telly

Proletarian

Someone who only eats common people

Propaganda

A good look

fig.278 Propaganda

Propagate

Rather respectable scandal

Propane

People who are into S&M

Property

A decent cuppa

fig.279 Property

Prophylactic

Holder of the Chair in milk

Prosaic

Written by someone on antidepressants

Prosthetic

Not a very good call girl

Protests

Call-girl exams

Psychedelia

Mental cook

Psychiatric

Guessing right three times in a row

Psychological

Something that makes sense on a bike

fig.280 Psychological

Psychopath

Crazy paving

Pubescent

Intimate deodorant

Pulpit

1. Warren Beatty’s bed

2. What to do with a Jeffrey Archer novel

Pumpkin

Have sex with relatives

Punish

Rather like a pun

Punjab

To hit someone for a play on words

Punnet

A net for catching puns

Punster

What you must do to the mixture to get a nice light currant pun

Puppetry

Little dogs’ toilet

fig.281 Puppetry

Purgatory

To slip Ex-lax into Michael Gove’s coffee

Purlieu

Cross between an oyster and a sheep

fig.282 Purlieu

Push

What Sean Connery calls his cat

Pustule

Festive boil

Putin

Inexpensive bed pan

Pyrenees

Halfway up the pyralegs

fig.283 Pyrenees

Pyromaniac

One who collects glass baking dishes

fig.284 Quaker

Quadrant

Four people shouting

fig.285 Quadrant

Quaint

Vulgar version of ‘quisn’t’

Quaker

Posh duck

Quartermaster

25% schoolteacher

fig.286 Quartermaster

Quash

Quince cordial

Quatracento

Person who has seen Suzi Quatro a hundred times

Quest

The Jonathan Ross family coat of arms

Queue

An unencumbered cucumber

Quick

Noise made by a New Zealand duck

Quicksilver

A pirate on a motorbike

fig.287 Quicksilver

Quietude

Ate one’s food with one’s mouth shut

Quince

Not quite a coincidence

Quisling

Underdeveloped question and answer

fig.288 Rugged

Rabid

A bunny with a cold

Racism

Irrational hatred of a breakdown recovery service

Radar

An attack by pirates

Raffia

Craft fair organised crime syndicate

Ram raider

Dodgy vet

Rambling

Jewellery for sheep

fig.289 Rambling

Rampart

Essential element in sheep breeding

fig.290 Rampart

Ramsgate

Farming scandal

Ramshackle

Male chastity belt

Randomize

A squint

fig.291 Randomize

Ransack

The act of making someone redundant in a hurry

Ransom

Half-hearted jog

Rapscallion

Funky spring onion

Ratatouille

The sound made by a machine-gun ricochet

Ratchet

Rodent droppings

Razor

A lift

Reading

To ring a bell again

Realist

Catalogue of bottoms

fig.292 Realist

Rebut

To have one’s bottom lifted

fig.293 Rebut

Rebuttal

A bottom transplant

Receipt

To sit down again

Receptacle

Playful welcome from the lady at the front desk

Recommend

To destroy it or fix it?

Recordable

Sash windows you can fix

Rectitude

The angle at which a thermometer should be inserted

fig.294 Rectitude

Rectum

Indigestion

Recursive

Continually swearing

Referendum

Suppository for match officials

Regarding

Replacement security staff

Reiki

A bit like a rake

Reincarnation

Born again as a tin of condensed milk

fig.295 Reincarnation

Reindeer

Polite weather forecast

Relenting

Giving up trying to give up Lent

Relief

What trees do in Spring

Remember

To join an organisation you left some time ago

Renegade

Device for blowing up anagram enthusiasts

Renewed

Undressed again

Renovate

To restore a French car

fig.296 Renovate

Repartee

To go out two nights in a row

Repercussion

Concerning that drummer

Replica

Someone who sucks up to the woman from Thomas Cook

Repository

Warehouse with delivery at the back

Reproach

To harvest fish

fig.297 Reproach

Republican

To get a new inn-keeper

Resource

To get more ketchup

Resuscitation

That monkey’s from the Far East

Retail

Yorkshire bitter

Retard

Very difficult in Yorkshire

Retirement

Replacing the wheels on a car

Retread

Very red in Yorkshire

Rev counter

Survey of vicars

fig.298 Rev counter

Rev limiter

A bouncer at the local church

Revelation

Joy experienced when the car starts

Revenue

A vicar I once had the acquaintance of

Reversal

Dry run for a church service

Reverse

To rewrite part of a poem

Revolt

To charge a battery

Rheumatic

A loft conversion

fig.299 Rheumatic

Rind

What the Queen buys in a pub

Robot

An occupational disease of oarsmen

Robust

A broken oar

Roman nose

What Caesar used to wash his chariot

fig.300 Roman nose

Rotterdam

Construction to prevent the flow of Terry Thomas

Roulette

1. A queen

2. A tiny law

Routine

An adolescent kangaroo

Rubicon

Imitation gemstone

Rugged

Wearing a wig

Rugger

A wig-maker

fig.301 Rugger

Rumania

A worrying over-fondness for kangaroos

Rum baba

A very strange sheep

Rumination

Under-populated country

Rusk

World domination board game for babies

fig.302 Sealant

Saab

Indian for ‘Nice car, sir’

Sacrilegious

Bag worship

fig.303 Sacrilegious

Sago

A good way to start a race

Samovar

Term describing how many and whose planes are missing

Sanctity

1. Drooping bosom

2. Multiple-breasted Frenchwoman

Sandy

That’s convenient

Satellite

Burning behind

Satire

Seated in a more elevated position

fig.304 Satire

Satsuma

Japanese wrestling while sitting down

Saucier

Pain and redness in the eye

Saveloy

Hotel for sausages

Saxophone

Hotline to a salt supplier

Scampi

Fraudulent urine sample

Scandals

Sandals with socks

fig.305 Scandals

Scar tissue

Problem attaching a DVD player to the television

Scarf

To eat in Knightsbridge

Scarface

An accomplished knitter

fig.306 Scarface

Scatological

An intelligent jazz riff

Scintillate

To commit adultery till breakfast

Scooby Doo

A responsible dog owner

Scrap

It’s rubbish

Scrapyard

I want metre

Scrumpy

To relieve oneself during the rugby

Scruple

Cross between a screw top and a ring pull

Scrutineer

What MFI tells you to do

Scum

It has arrived

Scurrilous

A mouse with no legs

fig.307 Scurrilous

Sea lion

An implement for pressing seals

fig.308 Sea lion

Sealant

Amphibious insect

Sea-legs

The eggs of the seal

fig.309 Sea-legs

Secretariat

Headwear for typists

Secular

How the Queen describes her wheels

Sedate

Meant nine

Seesaw

What Moses might have used to part the Red Sea

fig.310 Seesaw

Selfish

What a fishmonger does

Semolina

A system of signalling with puddings

fig.311 Semolina

Senile

What to do in Egypt

Sentiment

The perfume he intended to buy

Sequencer

A sparkly knight

fig.312 Sequencer

Serial killer

Combine harvester

fig.313 Serial killer

Serviette

A bloke from communist Russia

Servile

A nasty knight

Sewage

Legal work

Sex

What the Queen keeps her coal in

Shack

What Sean Connery keeps his coal in

Shagpile

An experience both painful and pleasant

Shallot

No more onions

Shakespeare

Arab-owned seaside amusement arcade

Shambles

Imitation brambles

Shambling

Fake jewellery

Shambolic

False testicle

Shambolical

Padded Y-fronts

fig.314 Shambolical

Shampoo

Fake dog turd

Shamrock

1. Polystyrene boulder

2. Tribute band

Shavings

What Sean Connery keeps in his bank account

Sheep dip

Unpopular buffet item

Sheepish

Scottish for ‘that girl is urinating’

Shellacking

Slug-like

Shellfish

A bit like a shelf

Shingle

Sean Connery’s definition of a bachelor

Shinto

Leg diagram

fig.315 Shinto

Shire

Downpour in Gerrards Cross

Shit

What Sean Connery says to his dog

Shi-tzu

Disappointing animal park

Shoddy

Big Ears’ unkempt friend

Shoehorn

A fetish

Shoot-out

Someone selling shoes at above their market value

Shrink wrap

A rubbish psychiatrist

Shrubbery

What Sean Connery says when he sends his
chicken back in a restaurant

Shuttlecock

A space chicken

fig.316 Shuttlecock

Sidekick

A cowboy’s friend who can tell the future

Signature

Baby swan droppings

Silicon

Stupid Tory

Silicone

Madonna’s bra

fig.317 Silicone

Silicone hydrate

The percentage of actresses pretending they haven’t had boob jobs

Singapore

Jeremy Hardy

Ski lift

The elation you feel after eating a yoghurt

Skid

A baby goat on ice

fig.318 Skid

Skidoo

To slip on dog poo

fig.319 Skidoo

Slapdash

Hit and run

Slight

It is dawn

Slippery

A bit like a slipper

Smelting

Jamaican for nose

Smirks

Geordie cigarettes

Snappy

What a baby crocodile wears

Snickers

Spanties

Snowball

Utterance from an umpire

Snowflakes

We’ve run out of cereal

Snuff box

Coffin

fig.320 Snuff box

Soaring

That curry was too hot

Sociopath

Serial killer who does wonders for your back pain

Solar

Precedes ‘tee’

Solder

Military man with an eye missing

Somersault

Substance for de-icing the roads in July

Sometime

Maths lesson

Sorcerer

Even more of a saucer

fig.321 Sorcerer

Sorcery

A bit like a saucer

Sorting

A Jamaican rash

Sou’wester

A pig with enormous teeth

fig.322 Sou’wester

Soulmate

Korean bride

Sounding-board

Yawning

Soupçon

Dinner’s nearly ready

Soya milk

Looked in your fridge

Spain

What you experience when you’ve been spunched

Spatula

A single spat

Spatulate

An argument about punctuality

Specimen

Italian astronauts

Speckle

To spit at a stand-up comic

Spectacular

Short-sighted vampire

fig.323 Spectacular

Spectate

A tiny little art gallery

fig.324 Spectate

Spectator

A short-sighted potato

Speculate

24-hour opticians

Sperm donor

Worst kebab ever

Spermicide

The half of the bed you’d rather not sleep on

Spinach

Skin irritation caused by sitting too close to
Alastair Campbell

Splint

To run very fast with a broken leg

fig.325 Splint

Splinter

Chinese 100-metre runner

Spokesman

A hippy admires a bike

Spokesperson

Cyclist

Spoof

Person who is only pretending to be gay

fig.326 Spoof

Sporran

What Scottish frogs do in ponds

Sprouts

The opposite of sprints

Squeamish

A bit like a squeam

Stagnation

Scotland

fig.327 Stagnation

Stalagmite

A tiny little prisoner of war

Star-struck

Nicole Kidman’s lorry

Statuette

What was it that you had for dinner?

Stencil

A very still pencil

Stereo

A long look from a Greek man

Stifle

A home for a pig designed along the lines of a Paris landmark

Stifling

A Scottish dance for pigs

fig.328 Stifling

Stipend

Pig house with a fence round it

Stockade

A charity for Oxo addicts

Stopcock

1. A condom

2. To become a lesbian

Stopgap

To campaign against competitively-priced denim

Stratosphere

Aftershave phobia

Strawberry

Grass hat

fig.329 Strawberry

Stucco

Hitherto unknown Marx Brother

Stylist

Pig directory

fig.330 Stylist

Stymie

A Jewish pig

Subdued

A less than cool person

Sublime

Underperforming citrus fruit

Subordination

Installing a priest underwater

Substantial

Not as good as the old Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band

Substitute

An underwater hooker

Subtext

To use a mobile under water

fig.331 Subtext

Suffix

Next to Kent

Suffocate

East Anglian postcode

Suffocation

A weekend in Lowestoft

Suffragette

Ryanair

Suggestive

A sexy biscuit

Suitable

A cow

Superficial

Steward in charge of the broth

Superglue

A really lovely Eskimo’s house

Supine

To take a tree to court

fig.332 Supine

Suppository

Someone you’ve always suspected votes Conservative

Surcharge

What you pay for a knighthood

Surrogate

Stand-in Yorkshire spa town

Sweepstake

What Sooty cooks for dinner

Sycamore

Not as well as I used to be

Sycophants

When an anteater loses his appetite

fig.333 Sycophants

Syllabus

Liverpool coach

Symbolic

My mobile phone’s on the blink

Symbols

Prosthetic testicles

Symmetry

A very neatly laid out graveyard

Syrupy

It might be a wig

fig.334 Syrupy

Systematic

A robot nun

fig.335 Trigonometry

Tabby

A big church in Yorkshire

Tadpole

Ever so slightly Polish

Taffeta

1. A Welsh goat’s cheese

2. A cannibal with a preference for Welsh people

3. Diolch yn fawr

Tailback

Post-operative Manx cat

fig.336 Tailback

Tall

What’s near the front door in Yorkshire

Tally-ho

A loose woman who keeps count

fig.337 Tally-ho

Tamper

What you take on a Yorkshire picnic

Tangent

Dale Winton

Tanker

What you use to moor a boat in Yorkshire

Tannoy

To irritate loudly

fig.338 Tannoy

Tantamount

To ride a French aunt

Tanzanite

What a beautician does to Sir Bob Geldof in Essex

Tap

Yorkshire-based software for t’iPhone

Tapas

To gently touch someone’s bottom

Tape

Yorkshire monkey

fig.339 Tape

Tapestry

Ornamental plumbing

Tapioca

A disappointingly average dance routine

Tardis

Request to council for repair of pothole

Tarmac

Scottish gratitude

Tart

What you’ll see in a Yorkshire gallery

Tartar

Opposite of ‘hello sailor’

Tatters

Where you buy hats in Yorkshire

Tax

Yorkshire hatchet

Teabag

Cha lady

Teetotal

Two on humans, four on cows

Telecommunication

Talking to the TV set

Telepathy

When you can’t be bothered to turn over the TV

Template

The secretary hasn’t turned up

fig.340 Template

Tena lady

Cheap date

Tendentious

Five pairs of false teeth

fig.341 Tendentious

Tentacles

1. Eyewear for campers

2. Prehensile genitalia

fig.342 Tentacles

Tentative

Not sure about camping

Tenure

How they describe a decade in the West Country

Tepee

Small tent outside a wigwam

fig.343 Tepee

Terminology

The study of Yorkshire fur

Terpsichorean

Kim Jong-un’s paintbrush cleaner

Terrain

Yorkshire bad weather

Terrapin

Scary brooch

Terrorist

A Yorkshireman prone to making mistakes

Terse

What you see at a Yorkshire funeral

Testicle

A humorous question in an exam

Testicles

Experimental icicles

Testicular

A vampire who talks bollocks

Testimony

A lot of bollocks

Testosterone

Macho Italian soup

Tête-à-tête

To walk from one end of an art gallery to another

Tetracycline

Four on a bike

fig.344 Tetracycline

Teutonic

What you order with ‘teugin’

Thatcher

Used to be married to that Sonny Bono

The Italian job

Taken short in Rome

Theatre Royal

Lubricant for auditoria

Thermidor

A Spanish lobster fighter

fig.345 Thermidor

Thermos

The Greek god of picnics

Thermostat

Body decoration showing the image of a flask

Thesaurus

Condition caused by eating the hot curry

Thespian

A woman who only sleeps with actresses

Thinking

A young Elvis

Thirst

The one before thecund

Threefold

This horse has had triplets

Throng

A three-piece thong

Tickertape

Temporary watch strap

fig.346 Tickertape

Tiddlywinks

A nap after a good drink

fig.347 Tiddlywinks

Tie-dye

A neat Brummie

Timbre

The cry of the French lumberjack

Tinker

An Irish philosopher

fig.348 Tinker

Tinsel

Gretel’s more flamboyant other brother

Tint

Yorkshire word of disagreement

Tirade

A puncture call-out service

Tissues

Matters of importance in Yorkshire

Tit for tat

A French charity shop

Titillate

Delayed puberty

Titular

A vampire who no one thinks much of

Toadstool

Porn version of The Wind in the Willows

Toga

A dyslexic goat

Toil

What they use in Yorkshire to fry chips

Toilet

To rent out the children’s playthings

Toils

What Brummies have on their roofs

Toll

What you try to put the ball in on a Yorkshire golf course

fig.349 Toll

Tomahawk

A vegetable of prey

fig.350 Tomahawk

Tombola

Man who throws cats

Toothsome

To bite, but not everybody

Topical

Branston’s finest

Toronto

Expression used by the Lone Ranger when drunkenly addressing his companion

Torpedo

A Glastonbury-based nonce

Torpid

Unfinished torpedo

fig.351 Torpid

Torquay

Geordie Christmas dinner

Torrid

Something horrible in Yorkshire

Torture

Rather like a torch but even more so

Toucans

A couple of tins

Towel rail

Where Yorkshire people keep their owls

fig.352 Towel rail

Tracheotomy

The surgical removal of a shellsuit

Trail mix

To stalk Irishmen

Trainee

A bit like a train

Tram

Male sheep in Yorkshire

Trampette

A lady tramp

Trampoline

Cleansing fluid for tramps

Transcendental

1. Cross-dressing dentist (see also ‘tooth fairy’)

2. To receive false teeth through the post from a drag act

Transgression

When female impersonators get cross

Transistor

A nun with surprisingly large hands

fig.353 Transistor

Translator

One who disparages cross-dressers

Transport

Cross-dressing athletes

Trapezoid

A circus robot

fig.354 Trapezoid

Trash

Yorkshire measles

Traumatize

Troubled neckware

Trench

Yorkshire spanner

Triangular

To test Mrs Merkel’s patience

Tricycle

An even shorter trice

Trifle

1. Three-barrelled shot-gun

2. Yorkshire gun

fig.355 Trifle

Trifling

To attempt Scottish dancing

Trigonometry

A cowboy’s mathematical method for locating his horse

Trilby

A bee that rings

fig.356 Trilby

Trinidad

Reply to the question: ‘which of those two fashion experts do you fancy, son?’

Tripod

1. A carrier for tripe

2. To prosecute peas

fig.357 Tripod

Trouble

Yorkshire building waste

Truculent

Your kind loan of a Transit

Trump

1. Favourite Yorkshire steak

2. Noxious blast of hot air from an arse

Trust

Iron erosion in Yorkshire

Tuba

Someone who makes tubes

Tumbling

A belly-button ring

Turbine

Windy headgear

fig.358 Turbine

Turd

Yorkshire cattle

Turkey

A bit like a Turk

Turmoil

Lubricant for use in school

Turpentine

A Geordie highwayman

Twee

What Yorkshire tea turns into

Tweet

Yorkshire grain

Twerk

What they do in Yorkshire between 9 and 5

Twiddle

Yorkshire term
cf. see here

Twig

Yorkshire toupée

fig.359 Twig

Twiglets

Mr & Mrs Pinocchio’s two
children, born at the same time

Twinkle

A Yorkshire penis

Twirled

Yorkshire

Twist

Yorkshire card game

Twofold

Beginners’ origami class

fig.360 Twofold

Typhoon

Tea that gives you wind

Tyrannosaurus

A dictator with tender buttocks

Tyrant

1. An ant that works for Kwik Fit

2. Angry reaction to being told you have to wear a tie

fig.361 Venezuela

U-bend

What you do for the Queen

fig.362 U-bend

Über

A very camp exclamation of how cold it is

Uganda

Go and have a look

Umbrage

1. Angry clash between umbrella users

2. Card game for the hesitant

Umlaut

Yob who can’t make his mind up

Uncoil

A French contraceptive

Undertaker

1. A half-hearted shoplifter

2. Someone who nicks your pants

Undeterred

A skidmark

Unfettered

Without Greek cheese

Ungrateful

A blazing fire in France

Unification

A dodgy French holiday

Uniform

Having the shape of a female sheep

fig.363 Uniform

Unilever

A stick for getting students out of bed

Unisex

What students have when they’re up at university

United

‘Arise, Sir Lancelot!’

Unkempt

The process by which Spandau Ballet split up

Unscrew

French prison warder

fig.364 Unscrew

Untidy

Let Jack loose

Upsadaisy

Flower fetishist

Urdu

What you get in a Liverpool branch of Toni & Guy

Urethra

A soul singer who takes the piss

Urinate

You’re not a size seven

fig.365 Urinate

Usury

Japanese for ‘usually’

Vaccinate

To administer drugs with a hoover

Vacillate

A tardy lubricant

Vanilla

A large white ape

fig.366 Vanilla

Vanish

Rather like a van

Variation

Extremely Indian

Varicose

Nearby

Varnish

To disappear in Surrey

Vegetarian

Bad hunter

Vegetate

Art gallery for greengrocers

Veneer

Flemish painter of floorboards

fig.367 Veneer

Venezuela

A gondola with a harpoon

Verbatim

A word to Tim

Veritude

Well munched

Vespa

Evensong on a scooter

Victory

A Conservative MP you can rub on your chest

Vigilant

An insect that stays up all night

fig.368 Vigilant

Vigilante

An old relative who stays up all night

Violin

Nasty pub

fig.369 Violin

Virgin broadband

A chaste female musical group

Virgin olive oil

Popeye’s fiancé

Vocation

Giving your voice a rest

fig.370 Wallaby

Wagtail

Colleen Rooney’s biography

Waif

Spouse cf. ‘you’ll have met the waif?’

Walkie-talkie

A flightless parrot

Wallaby

Someone aspiring to be a kangaroo

Wallet

A lady wall

Walnut

An obsessive bricklayer

Walrus

Last exclamation of Russell’s driving instructor

Warbling

Geordie jewellery

Warehouse

A person who turns into a house at the full moon

fig.371 Warehouse

Warming

Geordie porcelain

Warthogs

Geordie clothing

Washington

A substantial amount of laundry

fig.372 Washington

Wassail

What Nelson said when he put the telescope to his blind eye

Wastrel

A very idle bird of prey

fig.373 Wastrel

Waxwork

Slogan for the Society for the Restoration of Corporal Punishment

WC2

Downstairs cloakroom

Website

The distance between a web and the ground

Weeding

The sound made by a very small Scottish handbell

fig.374 Weeding

Weight-machine

A Southern Rail train

Welfare

Blonde, innit

Wench

A spanner belonging to Jonathan Ross

Whiff

Noise made by a posh dog

Whimsical

A harvesting tool to be used when the mood takes you

Whipper-snapper

A photographer for an S&M magazine

Whisky

A bit like a whisk

Wholefood

A doughnut

fig.375 Wholefood

Wholesaler

Moby Dick’s lunch

fig.376 Wholesaler

Why-aye

Geordie broadband

Wicked

Evil cricket equipment

Wickerwork

Overseas TV journalism

Widdicombe

A brush to make your hair look like a wig

Wide-eyed

Coroner’s report

Wifi

The eye of a wife

Wikileaks

What happens when you use a basket as a urinal

fig.377 Wikileaks

Willie-nillie

Cycling accident

Windbreak

Backward fart

Windscreen

Underpants

Winnebago

A horse with a bad back

fig.378 Winnebago

Winsome

Partial success

Wisp

A really pathetic wasp

fig.379 Wisp

Wisteria

A nostalgic form of panic

Witchcraft

Consumer magazine for boat owners

Wolverine

A product for cleaning wolves

Wonder

The period before Tudor

Woodpecker

Low-cost penis replacement

fig.380 Woodpecker

Working

A Geordie’s monarch

Wormcast

A downloadable worm

Worsted

Unpopular bear

fig.381 Worsted

Wristwatch

All-night vigil in a very strict monastery

fig.382 Zebra

Xenophobia

Fear of Buddhists

fig.383 Xenophobia

Xerox

Jeffrey Archer’s typewriter

X-rated

No longer appreciated

X-ray

Former fish

Xylophone

The Greek goddess of Scrabble

Yacht

A negative yes

Yankee

One who is yanked

Yard

Used to do pirate impressions

Yardage

Three feet old

Yarmouth

A flavoured wine from Norfolk

Yeoman

Presidential greeting

Yo!

A yoyo that only goes one way

fig.384 Yo!

Yodelling

Trainee Jedi knight

Yonder

One who yonds

Yule log

Mr Brynner has left without flushing

Zebra

The largest size of support garment

Zinc

To zubmerge beneath the zea

fig.385 Zinc

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah

What to do before leaving the gents

Zither

Yorkshire for ‘look here’

Zucchini

Animal park enthusiast

fig.386 Zucchini

fig.387 Trompe l’oeil

A cappella

The band hasn’t turned up

Ad hoc

Liven up your rice pudding with a little German wine

Ad nauseam

Latest Go Compare campaign

À la carte

A Muslim wheelbarrow

fig.388 À la carte

Alter ego

A priest who’s full of himself

Annus horribilis

Do you mind if I don’t sit down?

Après midi d’une faune

You’ve been on the phone since lunch

Après nous le deluge

The lavatory’s blocked

Après ski

I’ve finished the yoghurt

Au clair de la lune

Claire’s a bit of a nutter

Avant garde

Next to last coach on the train

Avez-vous faim?

Would you like my sister?

fig.389 Avez-vous faim?

Beaujolais nouveau

Unsuitable for drinking

Belle époque

A cheap cut of pig meat

Bona fide

That’s a genuine dog

Bureau de change

Superman’s telephone box

Cannelloni al forno

Al’s fallen in the canal

Carpe diem

Fish of the day

fig.390 Carpe diem

C’est la guerre

Nautical outfits

fig.391 C’est la guerre

Chacun à son goût

Oh you like Pot Noodle do you?

Con allegro

A second-hand car salesman

Corps anglais

French blokes lusting after English women

Cul de sac

My bag is in the refrigerator

Dieu et mon droit

Margaret Thatcher’s family motto: ‘God and me are right’

Dim sum

Turn the lights down a bit

Donna è mobile

A portable kebab stand

Donner und blitzen

The after-effects of a kebab

Droit de seigneur

The gents is on the right

Et in arcadia ego

I had an omelette down the shopping precinct

Et tu Brute

Blimey you’ve splashed it on all over and no mistake

Fiat lux

Car wash

fig.392 Fiat lux

Film noir

Oh damn! The holiday photos haven’t come out

Fin de siècle

Bicycle lover

Grand prix

Donald Trump

Haiku

A greeting among pigeons

Hände hoch!

The white wine is at your elbow!

Hara-kiri

An opera singer educated at public school

Hors d’oeuvre

Ladies who hang around diesel pumps

fig.393 Hors d’oeuvre

Ich bin ein Berliner

I am a bin liner

Ich dien

I am Jayne Torvill’s dancing partner

Ich liebe dich

I’m very fond of Richard

Infra dig

I’m an archaeologist

fig.394 Infra dig

In loco parentis

Dad’s an engine driver

La belle dame sans merci

The operator never says thank you

La vie en rose

A pink toilet

Laissez faire

To use your discount travel card in Paris

Magnum opus

Tom Selleck’s Irish cat

Mens sana in corpore sano

Corporal punishment is available in the men’s sauna

Mi casa tu casa

My house has two lavatories

fig.395 Mi casa tu casa

Moi aussi

I am an Australian

Non compos mentis

I don’t think that’s meant to be fertiliser

Petite chose

Your flies are undone

Pince nez

Not wearing underwear

Prima donna

Guy Ritchie’s bachelor days

Requiescat in pacem

Our cat was totally ruined in the park

Sang froid

‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’

Sic transit gloria mundi

Gloria was sick in the van but she’ll be in on Monday

Sole mio

That’s my fish

fig.396 Sole mio

Spaghetti carbonara

My dinner’s on fire

fig.397 Spaghetti carbonara

Steak tartare

The meat’s off

Sub judice

The Israeli underground system

Tant pis, tant mieux

Auntie’s been to the bathroom and she’s feeling much better now

Trompe l’oeil

Ooh, that one made my eyes water

Tutti frutti

Baked beans

Veni, vidi, vici

I came to see Vicky; unfortunately she was suffering from a social disease

Vin ordinaire

Ford Transit

fig.398 Vin ordinaire

fig.399 NFMPS

AAAA

The Society For The Deaf

AABM

The Association for the Abolition of Barry Manilow

CIEC

Campaign for the Impregnation of Edwina Curry

COPEC

Colin On Piano Empties Concert halls

CSK

Keep Spelling Correct

CSRHH

The Conservative Sisterhood for the Re-election of Herr Hitler

EU

Yorkshire expression of admiration

MSUL

Marks & Spencer’s Underwear Leaks

NFMPS

National Front Medieval Poetry Society

RFCMC

Radio Four Can Murder Comedy

USB

North American Insect

fig.400 USB

USWD

Unbearably Sexy Winter Drawers

Acknowledgements

THE COMPLETE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIONARY is indebted to Jack Dee, Jeremy Hardy, Rob Brydon, Sandi Toksvig, Bill Bailey, Stephen Fry, Andy Hamilton, Tony Hawks, Harry Hill, Ross Noble, Rory Bremner, Miles Jupp, Fred Macaulay, David Mitchell, Linda Smith and Victoria Wood for their outstanding contributions to this book, to Megan Landon for the research that made it possible, and to Neal Townsend, Mark Oxenham and Graeme Garden for their excellent illustrations.

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Epub ISBN: 9781473539723
Version 1.0

Published by Preface 2016

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Copyright © Graeme Garden and Jon Naismith 2016

Graeme Garden and Jon Naismith have asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the authors of this work.

First published in Great Britain in 2016 by Preface

Preface
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www.penguin.co.uk

Preface is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781848094970